The Wingnuts Need Our Help

Gavin’s discovery that there is a person who calls himself the ‘Purple Avenger’ has left me wistful for those heady days of the first Bush term, when every other day a new warblogger with an appallingly stupid nom de blog would appear on the scene.

Back then, we had the good fortune to be regularly introduced to a brand new Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiller or Lt. Smash, to marvel at the misfiring synapses of anyone who would voluntarily refer to themselves as Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant, Sgt. Stryker or Steven den Beste. We scarcely knew how good we had it back then. These days, the fresh crop of wingnuts is far more likely to just use their real name to blog, and while ‘Don Surber’ may be sort of silly-sounding, it just can’t hold a candle to the various ‘Morgoth the Moonbat-Slayers’ of our not-so-distant past.

So when a Purple Avenger comes along, it’s worth a few chuckles but at a considerable price. You see, when the laughter subsides, we’re left with the depressing realization that it could be months before someone as ridiculous brightens our day again, and that the comedic oil boom of 2001-2004 may never come again.

I miss those days, I really do, and all this got me to thinking that it may just be that wingnut bloggers, never terribly imaginative to begin with, have simply run out of ideas for silly, cartoonishly violent pen names. Which is sad, but which also presents us with an opportunity. Maybe all that’s needed is for us to give the current batch of rightwing bloggers a wee nudge in the proper direction, to re-attach the training wheels on their propensity for the broadest possible self-aggrandizement.

I hereby propose we offer the wingnutosphere, free of charge, the finest, silliest, violentist and most egregiously phallic-sounding noms de blog the nimble readers of this blog can dream up. A few to get us started:

– Crimson Vindicator
– Rear Admiral
– Archduke Von Armchair, Battle Orderist
– Viscount Longrod McFuckrapekill
– Plumpcheeks Bill, Libtard’s Bane
– Flextor Warpling’s Liege
– Murdertron IV: The Reckoning
– Cap’n Nanopundit
– Corporal TacNukeSysConDef (r’tired)
– Dick ‘Cock’ Dickcockdickfuck

Have at it!


Comments: 186


Nothing involving ‘Herr’ or ‘Doktor’, please.


Manny McDickslap
Purple Nurple Avengerer
Overcompensatus Maximus


Heterosexual McButtsecks




Superman Q. Batman


Dark Paladin Leonidas Rambo The Murdermaster, Worlds Deadliest Man (with a +20 soul devouring enchanted Claymore)


CRAFR EAHOU of the planet xanax!

(OK, back to the drawing board. Can I use Bimler, SC?)


Assman Smothers

Tudball Von Hugenstein

Jack Assblaster


Libertarius ShadowLord von BloodNGuts™


Studs McManly. No, wait, Herr Doktor Studs McManly…


It all kinda went downhill after “Hindrocket”, didn’t it?


Sgt. Poopindirt.

“There I was. KNEE deep in grenade pins. Had fifty caliber brass piled up around my thighs. And still the kept coming. At one point we had sappers in the wire. I picked up three claymores in each hand and triggered ’em with my feet like shotguns.

I couldn’t get good comms with TacAir, so when the F16s made their low nape run I jumped up on the wing and hollered into the cockpit. I guided the pilot on a half dozen bombing and strafing runs against the troops massed on the southwest wall.

Then I led a night sapper team of our own out to take out Col. Asahi and his Silver Soldiers, an al-Quaeda special ops unit. I’ll tell ya, it was a near run thing. But in the end, we killed eleven hundred of their best fighters and got two pretty bad owies ourselves…”



Ace of Sporks

Majestic Mr. Moneyshot

Blogger Gerald, Whose Girlfriend Is Totally Hot But is in Canada Right Now

Jacoby Ellsbury

The Wankeress


It all kinda went downhill after “Hindrocket”, didn’t it?

Yes, and I was really surprised there was any downhill to go to from there.


The Eradicator!


Col. Wetsuit Von Dildoinrectum, Defender of Family Values and Slayer of Libtards


It’s like City of Heroes.

Sgt. Mac Fists (and his Shrieking Guerrillas)

The Mighty Dan

Punchford McJesus

Captain America Times A Million

Rock Hardbuttock

Slab Bulkhead

Fridge Largemeat

Dick Hardpec

Buff Drinklots

Big McLargeHuge

Bob Johnson

or, Sir Nigel Fuck.


Baron von Cock n Balls

Staff Seargent Hemroid

Ricky Muscles

Homo Eroticus

and of course

Bigus Dickus and his wife Incontenentia Buttocks


Freedom Freedom Freedom Victoriator SupportTheTroops Traitorhater


The Public Bathroom Cassanova




Buttocks Unremarkable

Michelle Malkin


Pasty White Defender


Juan Hugh Jorgan


Pessimus Prime, Realitor
Liege Lord Lief N. Lawnbags
The Triumphette
Lord Excellento, He of the Magnus Terribilis
His Supremacy Hi N. Mightee Nee El Fancee-Pantz
Teh Devastatrix
Milton Friedman’s Sister
Angus McLibslayer, Dread Scot


to marvel at the misfiring synapses of anyone who would voluntarily refer to themselves as Lord Spatula I

Lord Spatula! I remember listening to his music when I was younger.

“Play dat ting mon!”


Lance Porkmaster
The Wrath of Lubbock
Captain Tightsphincter
Waldo Conelrad
Flint Redblood
Timmy Godzilla
The Gnarled Fist of Doom
Alfred Krupp
Cal Egula
Lord Manwad
Fuckyou F. Fuckyou
Eater of Poodles
Percy ‘Mad Dog’ Plumflute


Stabby McSlash?

That was my Paladin’s name from Daiblo II. I’m almost emabrassed at how much it sounds like a wingnut’s screen name.


Christian Fuckmuslims

Johnny Michelle’sDestiny


Can I use Bimler, SC?
Only if you want to create the impression of pedantic, pretentious wankery.

The Eradicator!
If that’s a doppelbock, I so want a bottle.


Skullfuck O’Property

Principal Blackman

Little Lord Fondleroy

Manifest Nexttome

Screaming Lord Putz


For the female wingnuts: Skanenstein.

Freudian Buttsexisbad?


Shit. SkanKenstein.


Gen. Buck Turgidson (with apologies to Kubrick, but it’s the perfect wingnut name)
Mort Darthur
The Executionizer
Professore Enormo Genitalia
The Tangerine Wet Dream


Vinnie Testosteroni
The Righteous Flaming Turgid Penis of God Almighty
Projectile Vomit
Liberty’s Bulging Codpiece
Tank McBlast
Santanica Pandemonium
Rory Wusspeen
Leopold the Magnificent
Sven Nukeson
The Paisley Sword of Vengeance
El Supremo Grande
Stubby Cheesewang, Lord of the Steppes


God damn, this is funny shit.


Tinky Winky




Johnny Codpiece, Patriot.


“foehammers anvil”

oh wait, that’s TOO silly, it would never go.


Ludwig von Missiles




K Y Patriot.

Blood The Hardon.


Large Hardon Collider.

(Maybe not anti-intellectual enough?)


Dolorous Weedeater.


Loved that one, RB.

In honor of Ann Coulter: Reluctant McCainacunt.


Charles Krathammer


Lord Belchenbarf


Money is God.


Apocalypse Now.


Maybe better: Apocalypse(k)now(s).


Fleck Spittle
Hank Husselhoff, Satan’s CPA
Shriek Psychowhack
Eric Bloodaxe, Foe of Poopheads
Ivan the Unmedicated
The Raging Hurricane of Enraged Rage
The Flying Loogie
Freedom’s Orgasm
Chomp Turdbiter
Eagle Fury
Rip Velcro, Nemesis of Evil
The Mighty DryHeave


The fact is, Lord Knobrammer.


Admiral Foreskin





*it’s a play on “pacifist,” STUPID LIBWADS


Dr. Richard Stiff.


Miles Long.

Hetero Erectus.


Libwadian Nation.


Peace hates Jesus.


Captain Jack Splatterfist, American Ninja.

Colonel Colt Browning, Homeland Protector.

Major Damage, Counter Jihadist.

Sgt. Johnny Youngblood, Patriot.




Suggestion for an intern at Powerline:


Why is it that we never read about “peak wingnut”?

How did we miss it?


Ooh, Jennifer, how about Admiral Foeskin?








Ragevein Throbshaft.


Heywood Janotblowme, Esq.



Baron McCock

(get it? get it?)


Throbbing Member of the GOP.


Hughes Manhands

Jack Chick Hawke

Richard Perle Necklace


Yes, I did, SJohn, and I’m still laughing about it.


Ferdinand of Fucking Aragon Taking Back Granada You Filthy God-Damned Muslim Cocksuckers.


Thanks John. BTW, I’d say “K Y Patriot” is definitely a keeper, although I’m also disturbingly fond of “FistingForSatan”.

Mmm, fisting for Satan!


Ludwig von Missiles

Waaaaaahahahahaa! I was trying to think of some way of capturing the glibertarian laissez-faire and war fetish and you nailed it, nailed it, nailed it. Bravo!


It’s a goddamn funny thread. I’m overly multitasking, trying to stop laughing, keep reading, and watch “There Will Be Blood” on the Great Tube of Learning.

I think I’m going to have to watch it again.

This is frankly more fun.


Jesus Kalashnikov
Oleg the Fierce, Protector of Woodlawn Heights
Harry Chestmuscle
Pious Jackboot
Wank Anger
Genghis Blutarsky
Phallus Impudicas
Servile Henchman
Slash Smashknuckle
Little Bennie Mussolini
Der Uber-Pube
Rigidly Upstanding Citizen
Empowered Dumbfuck


Stag Held’s Truncheon
[Thread needs more Iron Dream references]


Just for the record, SJohn, IMO PhistingforSatan woulda been funnier.


Or Ty Karate…


Wigginz the Ender Packer.




The fact is, Miss Maglawang.


some way of capturing the glibertarian laissez-faire and war fetish

It’s no Ludwig von Missles, but how about…

Murder Rothbard


Republicans for Malkin Hate.


An obvious one: Rich Whitey Is Better.


Glenn Reynolds Beckrocket


and, one more:

Werner von weiß


Rich Whitey is my name, bitches?


The Rabid Pug of Retribution
Global Thermonuclear Toughguy
Unhinged and Proud of It
Patriotic Zombie
Freedom’s Shit-Flinger
Groveling Loser for Bush
Crush the Weak
Mark Noonan Is My Lord
The Apostle of Fear
The Barking Earthworm
Manly Sniveler


Pol Pot-Head.

No, wait, that would be a murderous hippy.


I just thought I’d take this moment to fess up to having used the names:

Flint Ironstag
Slate Slabrock
Dirk Hardpecs
Big McLargehuge
Stud Beefpile
Doctorb Science
on this blog.


Ragevein Throbshaft



Oh hey, Nimrod. I should also fess up that those are all from MST3K, for those who don’t know. Which I guess means that some of them were probably personally thought up by an actual right-winger.

Except “Doctorb Science”, which is just the guy from “Ask Dr. Science” combined with Dr Nick Riviera’s phone number (the “b” stands for “bargain”).

I need a new name.


Bear Hunter



monkey knife fight

Here are many great names to choose from:


Something really phallic and violent like “Dick Armey” or even “Dick Lugar” might be hilarious.

Huh? They’re what?!?!?




The Odour of the Garter
Lord Poodle of Pudly
Gattling Gunns & Roses
Poop by Proxy
Torturous Logic
The War Monger
One Hand Clapping
Oath to Jonah
God’s Mighty Wanker

I’m way too tired to be attempting creativity, even of this limited sort.


Rear Admiral Cock Punch


Destroyer of Dhummicraps
Reagan R. McReagan
Obligate Carnivore
Darth Steyn
Achilles’ BFF Patroclus, Who Is Totally Hetero and Has, Like, Ten Girlfriends
(no wait, twenty)
Rod of Lordly Might
Charlemagne Krauthammer
Zorgonoxx the Night-Reaver (of Doom)
Lee Greenwood’s Boot
+5 Holy Avenger (Double Damage vs Liberals)
Strikebreaker Pinkerton Jr
Superbus Q. Classicus
I Didn’t Fight The Japs In Dubya-Dubya-Eye-Eye So a Bunch of Pansies Could Parade Around In Cutoffs And Aviator Sunglasses And Get the Hell Off My Lawn
Manley M. Mantooth
Rabbi Saul Reaganovitch
Sausage Lover’s Buffet
Real War Vet Who Was a Sniper in the Navy S.E.A.L.S And Shot, Like, A Hundred Dudes in the Face, Honest
Armchair Meatrammer
Foe-Crusher, Scourge of the Saracens
Blackwater Crusader
Michelle Malkin’s Army
Firm Truncheon of Justice
and my fave:

William B. Fuckley


William F. Buckskin


I swear I didn’t see yours Doctorb!


Operation Hindcrime


Penetrationist 1st Class


Thermonuclear Buttplug
Smegmatic Sock-Puppet

If it’s true-confessions time, I’ve been Abdul al-Hazmat once or twice.


I may use The Raging Hurricane of Enraged Rage.


Maple Surple Avenger


Killing Is My Business Interest

The Dark Avenger

Prick O’Banion, which I stole from a Ron Goulart novel.

Also, you should know that Purple is from the side of the Avenger family where the children ride the short yellow bus……………..

Crispy Ambulance song titles

Death from Above
Bardo Plane
Plateau Phase


Ivan the Unmedicated

I am SO stealing this one…


The Velociraptor Fucker


Best fucking thread ever.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

"Oh Stewardess, I Speak 'Nut"


What? Damn! OK, then, how about “DEFCON Cheeto”


I thought mine was pretty witty, but I agree with Plutocrat:

Ragevein Throbshaft

has already won the internets.


H. R. Hacknslash

And I’m still convinced that Ross Douthat is a shout-out to Dudley Dooright.


And I’m still convinced that Ross Douthat is a shout-out to Dudley Dooright.

No, no, no, no, not Dudley Do-Right.

Dudley Laywicker

Dudley Laywicker: Tubby, doughy, wimpy, four-eyed, nerdy, asthmatic, virginal Momma’s boy in a high school band uniform.



The above description is perfect for Jonah Goldberg too. Or Steven den Beste. Or Ace of Spades. Or…can you see a pattern developing here?


I appreciate the appreciation. Unless it’s from liberal fascists. In which case I vow to defy you until the last cheese-enhanced corn-based snack.


Post-partum Abortifacient
Property Rights Trump Brown People’s Lives
Democrat Contingrat Slaughtercrat

Azzkicke Musclethorpe

Stabmaster arson

You killed more but mine are the deadest

Ass of Spades


Smith & Malthus, Fully Loaded


J– : Well played.


Thanks, El Cid. Malthus has been on my mind of late because I just finished reading his Essay. I was familiar with gist of his argument about demographics, but what I didn’t know, and learned from the essay, was what a jerk he was about poor relief policy.


J— : I think one important thing to take away from “Malthus”, once you depersonalize it from the man & his arguments to the use of “Malthus” today, is that we largely have learned the opposite. In fact, the better off you make the poor, and particularly the more you ’empower’ (educate, give job access & small business support, provide health care & birth control) poor people and especially women, the more birth rate declines.

You’d think we’d learn something from this demographic transition, but we don’t.

a concerned citizen

Ludwig von Misery
Bloodfist Hellsbane
Taupe Brawnson
Grimhelion’s Rapier
Fisticuffs McDougal
Hubert Stabbington, DDS
Torpedo Rider
Professor Pain
Rev. Jack Cox
Lord Thundercock
Dr. Killgood
Shiv Mohammed
Jesus’ Knuckleduster
Commodore Cockpunch
Hairy Reed

not even an mba

Well, I’m giving away the original of my handle but how about:
Jane Galt

not even an mba

The Blogger Formerly Known as Machiavelli’s Prince

not even an mba



I promise not sue over “Wank in London”!


The prototypical Warblogger…I especially dig how his band uniform would have been a nice Generalissimo of Teh Grand Warblogger Army Steven den Beste outfit.

“My puffer! My puffer!” Classic!

We surmise that was a typical Jonah Pantload asthmatic reaction to queries about why he wouldn’t enlist.


Retribution’s Registrar

The Scimitar of Truth

The Snowshovel of Bullshit

Lace Doilies

Wait…scratch that last one.


Generalissimo Spongebob
Second Horseman of the Apoopalypse
Lord HissyFit
The Cringing Paranoid
Flaming Marshmallow
Macho Flab
Power Groupie
Hyperventilate for Jesus
Napoleon Invertebrate
Buster Bloodvessel (with thanks to Ragevein Throbshaft)
Third-string Fascist
American Babbler
Proud to be Loud


Killfuck Soulshitter.


Ayn Rand’s poop shooter



i’m -a-libertarian-except-on-issues-of-personal-liberty and-i’ll-always-vote-for-a-republican-even-though-i-allege that i’m-not-a-doctrinaire-right-wing-tool-heh-indeedy.


Blood Equity.


Aint Not No Queer


The Iron Diaper

Be Still, Liberals

The Manufactured Outrage Clearinghouse


Little Green Snotballs

Spars and Swipes Forever

Tree Shrugger

Peed Republic

and finally, my favorite:

Bloody Bleeding Brainless Filthy Foul-smelling Rightwing Bastards


Oh, and I agree with plutocrat: Ragevein Throbshaft is brill.


Aw, maaaaaaan. I missed this? This game was such a blast when we did it in the Poorman’s comments.

I’ll leave you with aNaL qUaKe, Stryker Mancrush, and Lord Teabag Ballsonface.


And how about:


The Caped AWOLer

Flaccid Not Placid

I Support Our Droops

Shriveled Drivel

Peers For Fears

Bill of Reichs

This Glans is Our Glans


Miss Shinna Komplished



"Oh Stewardess, I Speak 'Nut"

Major Kong’s Wild Ride


Major Scrotum

Carbide-tipped Nutgrinder

Hugh Joel Testes


ARRRRGH! I’m so damn pissed you went and did this post on my ONE day away from the computer, so I missed all this and now have to scroll down pages of this while trying not to piss my pants and all the good names are taken…oh, just Damn You All To HELL!!1!

…so, is Kernal Heartland taken?


islamic stalin

not even an mba

The Two Wang Clan


The Road to Smurfdom

not even an mba

One-eyed Willie


The Sycophant’s Tusk


I’m with OTB…this is great stuff.

How about:

McDonna Douglass
Lieutenant JG America (demoted from Captain after that unfortunate “tailhook” incident)
Bourboun Thrustmaster
Manful F. Whiskey

Nope, just can’t come up with anything even approaching the bulging awsomeosity that is Ragevein Throbshaft. That’s priceless.



Buster Bloodvessel (with thanks to Ragevein Throbshaft)
That calls for some linky goodness.

[Buster’s] stage name was taken from the bus conductor played by Ivor Cutler in The Beatles’ 1967 film Magical Mystery Tour.
…Buster once owned a hotel in Margate called Fatty Towers, which specifically catered to larger customers, with features such as extra large beds and baths, as well as fatty meals.

I didnot know that. Did you know that?


Girth Lengthy


Those were an absolute riot- sadly I think many would be chosen by rightards, irony notwithstanding…thanks people!


Hans von Spakovsky.

(Aww, damn, it’s taken.)

not even an mba

Charles Johnson and his Little Green Balls
and Pantload himself, Boner Goldjerk

not even an mba

(it’s a dick)

not even an mba

Charles Johnson and his Little Green Balls
The Cornhole
And Pantload himself, Boner Goldjerk

not even an mba



What about Capt. Trollypants?


Saddam bin Hitler Stephanopoulus


(The name Buster Bloodvessel) was taken from the bus conductor played by Ivor Cutler in The Beatles’ 1967 film Magical Mystery Tour.
I didnot know that. Did you know that?

Yes, I did know that. I remembered the name from the Magical Mystery Tour movie, and flagrantly stole it. I have no shame.

Actually, that’s almost the only thing I do remember from that film.


The Fartin’ Spartan

Death By CtrlAltFuckYou

Hoagie van der Chexmix

Basement Crusader

Buttless Chaps of Death

Vein-laden Meatpipe of Democracy

Primatene the Eternally Winded

Heavin’ den Basted

Gonad Boldglurg, Lord of Snackbane

Melons of Doom (can’t overlook Boobarella bloggers like Atlas Juggs; they’d have to jerk off to Frank Frazetta illustrations without them)

Attila the Disgruntled Insurance Claims Adjuster

Douche Bigalow, Wizard of SOCOM

Cerberus von Cockslap

The Ambiguously Gay Islamohomofighter (+2½ codpiece)

Dafydd ap Mmm Floor-pie

Max Powder, General of the Gold Bond Brigade (The Swivel Chair of Doom causes much chafing in the heat of battle.)


Attila the Disgruntled Insurance Claims Adjuster

Attila the Stockbroker already exists (but you probably knew that).

In the 1990s, he toured with John Otway […] and together they wrote a surreal rock opera called Cheryl. It was an everyday tale of Satanism, trainspotting, drug abuse and unrequited love. …
He has been [Brighton & Hove Albion F.C.]’s poet in residence since 2000

He also does a great cover version of Ace of Spades, sung in an outrageous French accent, on the argument that the lyrics are quintessentially Existential.


Is The Blue Rajah taken?


Torquemada Was Right

Fuckwitius Superbus

The Non-Appeasing Anti-Appeasinator

Valor Minus Discretion

Chief of Defence Staff Sir Jock Stirrup

Neoconan The BombIranian

Apocalypse Faster, Please

The Fountainhead of Righteous Asskicking

Midshipman Hard

Cheeto Delenda Est

not even an mba

Neoconan The BombIranian



I can’t think of any stupid phallic-related names.


[…] ‘hawkeye54′ (whose moniker, incidentally, gives us hope) in comments on the See-Dubya thread informs us: And as [‘sideline Protestant’] congregations seem […]


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