Shorter John Hinderaker
Above: Liveblogging the Bush Revolution
- Despite appearances, nearly everything that George W. Bush has done has been a resounding success. This we learn from a thoughtful unsigned editorial in the right-wing Investors Business Daily.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.
Bonus Shorter: The actual tagline from IBD‘s latest heartbreaking work of staggering genius:
Bashers Beware
By INVESTOR’S BUSINESS DAILY | Posted Monday, May 19, 2008 4:20 PM PTIt takes little courage — or brains — to join the mob vilifying President Bush. But the Democrats (and Republicans, too) depicting him as villain will one day regret it.
The ensuing column is enough to make parody hide behind the water heater cutting her arms with a sharpened Glassjaw CD:
There has not been a single terrorist attack on the homeland, and we have instead foiled multiple terrorist plots to kill innocent Americans. America has succeeded in foiling these plots because Bush gave the National Security Agency the authority to monitor any and all communications of suspected terrorists, by telephone, e-mail or other means.
The president also gave authorization for the CIA to employ tough interrogation methods on terrorists in custody, to the extent of transporting those detainees to secret locations abroad.
As we have prevented the terrorists from taking their jihad to the U.S., we have taken the global war on terror to the terrorists’ home soil. We have given Muslims in the Middle East the opportunity for freedom in Iraq, proving that we are willing to spill our blood and expend our own resources to defend our interests as we promote their liberty.
Truly, the most believable thing in the column might be the time stamp. Carry on, Hinderaker!
Clif adds: Since Gavin beat me to this post, I might as well share the photo that I’d been planning to use for my take on Hinderaker’s dispatch from the alternate universe where George Bush is a great man, where Ramiele Mulabay is voted the new American Idol, and where Don Surber wins a Pulitzer Prize.
Even I am dumbfounded.
There have been a few mistakes, but how could anyone know Iraq wouldn’t be a cakewalk?
Bush, Cheney and the others had some bad intelligence, but they went in with the best intentions. The main reason Iraq and the economy seem a little bogged down is because of Nancy Pelosi and her San Francisco values. But you don’t see the Liberal Media reporting on that.
Liberals. Hmf.
Is he the “extraordinary vision approaching to genius” guy? I lost my Wingnut Lucky Number Program.
Off topic- Any interest in a drinking sadlyly this weekend, fri or sat? I’m gonna be up in the general vicinity, might as well see what’s what with y’all. I emailed (the official) brad, but can’t find yer addy.
On topic.
except, of course, when they did beat him.
George W. Bush had a mandate even when Al Gore had more votes. That’s what a great leader George W. Bush is.
Liberals. Hmf.
I was very happy to see this commentary by Mr. Rocket Rear, because I had been worried about some stuff and now I am not.
Which took place during Clinton’s time in office, if I remember correctly.
Yeah, I read Assrocket’s piece because I found it hard to believe that he’s still that far out on the fringe.
It failed to stand up to the Democrats and business-as-usual Republicans on spending…
What color is the sky on his planet?
RandomObserver said,
May 21, 2008 at 6:28
But the country is safer than anyone expected after 9/11.
Which took place during Clinton’s time in office, if I remember correctly.
No attacks on American soil after 9/11!one1!!
AKA: The soft bigotry of low expectations.
Yeppers, George Washington Bush has been such a success that the country is 100% behind him. Well, except for the 82% who think we’re on the wrong track. And the 28% who actually approve of him.
But other than that, everyone agrees he’s doing a great job!!
El Cid:
You said it, el Cid. I’m relieved that conservatives are betting it all on the Bush administration’s incredible success at preventing another 9/11. That means they have nothing to gain by failing to prevent one during the run-up to the election. Temptation is a good thing not to have to face when you are dim-witted, short-sighted and without ethical standards.
#1- 9/11 happened pn BUSH’S WATCH!!!!
Read the whole thing and think that the uncredited guy(gal? nah!) really, really wants to gargle with shrub juice!!
The Saudis report that Mr. Bush’s colon was remarkably clean and flexible after their most recent examination last week.
These idiots will never admit they are dead wrong and have been for years.
Mama told me there’d be people like this. I still can’t get used to the idea but I guess I’m just going to have to accept it.
Rocket Rear = Explosive Bottom ?
The fact is, though, that the administration’s record is a good one.
Gary Ruppert works for Powerline!
Black NASCAR Star said,
May 21, 2008 at 7:07
The Saudis report that Mr. Bush’s colon was remarkably clean and flexible after their most recent examination last week.
Don’t know if I can believe that. You’re saying, for at least a moment, GWB was not full of shit. Nah-not a chance.
Gary Ruppert works for Powerline!
I find this entirely plausible.
No attacks on American soil after 9/11!one1!!
4000 Americans killed by “terrorists” since then.
Define the terms and your terms may define you.
That means they have nothing to gain by failing to prevent one during the run-up to the election.
Oh, I’m sure they’ll find a way to blame it all on Bill Clinton’s administration and the Congress Democrats.
Never underestimate the capacity for them to think America’s only safe because of George Bush, while living under an existential threat that not even Bush can oppose.
WP ate. Retry Post.
Well, since you brought it up, the BBC is actually doing a movie on the legacy of George W. Bush and all his stunning victories and successes. It looks pretty good. I hear they got some of the more prominent right wing bloggers to write in their anecdotes and stories about him for the film.
Investor’s Business Daily? You mean a website for people who still have so much money that they can afford to spend great wads of money in order to make more money? No wonder they still like Bush. He cut their taxes so much they’d blow him, given the chance.
Also, I’d like to point out this here cartoon on IBD: http://ibdeditorials.com/IMAGES/cartoons/toon052108.gif
No Americans were killed on U.S. soil during the Korean War.
Go Douglas MacArthur !!!!!!!
Fuck the Yalu up the Wazoo !!!
As we have prevented the terrorists from taking their jihad to the U.S., we have taken the global war on terror to the terrorists’ home soil.
In fact, we’ve gone one step better — we have given the terrorists a home soil to which we could then take the global war!
In fact, we’ve gone one step better — we have given the terrorists a home soil to which we could then take the global war!
—
Lend-Lease !!!
It’s FDR’s fault !!!
That is something to be damn proud of. Even though Bush hasn’t come close to achieving the level of tough interrogation greatness of someone like Pol Pot, he’s still done a hell of a lot better than all those previous candy-ass presidents who actually observed laws and stuff.
Anthrax.
Seriously, why does everyone forget about the damn anthrax attacks?!
[Updated a bit, btw. Goodnight, all!]
Because domestic terrorism doesn’t count towards the total.
When Obama wins, that’ll probably be the justification for when the first right-winger goes off the deep end and blows up a federal building.
Again.
“There has not been a single terrorist attack on the homeland, and we have instead foiled multiple terrorist plots to kill innocent Americans. And the 4000 dead Americans and tens of thousands wounded while NOT on US soil can suck my cock. Pussies.”
Fixed.
“As we have prevented the terrorists from taking their jihad to the U.S., we have taken the global war on terror to the terrorists’ home soil.”
And they couldn’t be happier about it. See aforementioned dead/wounded. I’m going to go ahead and guess that more Americans have been killed/injured fighting terrorism then have ever been victims of it. So the terrorists get to have a fantastic shooting duck gallery of White Devils, and they save a fortune on travel costs.
Oh yay, my previous post showed up.
Gary Ruppert writes for the IBD?
Are American civilians more likely to be killed by Iraqis?
Or are Iraqi civilians more likely to killed by Americans?
The number of American civilians killed by Iraqis is, uh, zero.
The other number is a bit higher.
So, uh, wow, it’s a good thing other Muslim countries can’t wage pre-emptive war on the U.S. Because using conservative logic, it would be a lot more justifiable than anything the Bush administration has done.
I wasn’t aware of the existence of Investor’s Business Daily, but their op-ed page is a gold mine of wingnuttery. Just a few recent editorials:
Obama: Stealth Socialist?
John Bolton: Bomb, Bomb Iran (“…they’ll eventually come after us even if we don’t.”)
We’re (Still) No. 1 (“We are still Reagan’s shining city on a hill.”)
…and so much more.
“America has succeeded in foiling these plots because Bush gave the National Security Agency the authority to monitor any and all communications of suspected terrorists, by telephone, e-mail or other means.”
It was especially impressive to see Bush transform himself into a Circuit City employee to rescue us all from a dozen morons. And DHS only costs $45 billion!
My favorite part is that the party line on the pants-shittingly horrible economy is ‘The economy is fine, except that the guys who got paid $50 million to fuck up Bear Stearns are still being taxed.’
Really, how can you get any more perfectly self-deluded on what the public wants than that? The Republicans have always been too fucking greedy; they get the Presidency and they assume a mandate, they get a majority and they start rewriting the Constitution. The American people have been punting them solidly in the nuts about their stupid, destructive economic policies for the last decade, and people like this idiot are given a salary in the 80th+ percentile to pretend that this means the public really wants federally subsidized coke mules for corporate fuckups.
Don’t cry, emo parody…Daryl Palumbo doesn’t like Hinderaker, either.
Oh, yeah, and that ‘rescued us from terrorism’ thing is wonderful too. That JFK Airport thing is a lovely little epigram on the whole Bush experience: some idiots makes up a completely retarded plot to destroy JFK Airport on a lark (‘like killing Kennedy again’) – a plot that anyone who had even begun to take seriously would realize to be infeasible – and by dumb luck, the DHS blunders into them, locks them up in prison forever, and then claims this to be a grand victory in our generational war on terror comparable to our forefathers’ brave stand against the Judaeobolshevoislamofascists in Operation Barbarossa. Uh, I mean, the Germanoislamofascists in Operation Torch – yeah, that one.
Right-wingers have always been big on barking and shouting about how rough and tough they are. Give them a chance to apply it, and they usually piss themselves and hide – and then try to pretend they were pissing at the threat later on. The modern American conservative may just be the first group in American history to constitute a fifth column by stupidity instead of malice.
#
Black NASCAR Star said,
May 21, 2008 at 7:34
No Americans were killed on U.S. soil during the Korean War.
Go Douglas MacArthur !!!!!!!
Fuck the Yalu up the Wazoo !!!
I’d like to point out that I think this comment is funny.
#
themann1086 said,
May 21, 2008 at 8:19
Anthrax.
Seriously, why does everyone forget about the damn anthrax attacks?!
They stopped being important when we realized they were being committed by right-wing fanatics bent on killing liberals and spreading fear of Muslims.
Al Qaeda’s hypothetical biological terrorism: deadly threat. Freepers’ all too real biological terrorism: no big deal.
Speaking of which, I wonder if Michelle Malkin has posted any more addresses of children she dislikes lately?
denouement
HR 2419
Discuss.
Look, repeating yourself over and over isn’t good trolling. It just makes you look like an idiot, and that – surprisingly – is the opposite of the idea.
Learn to play, novice. Fuck off until you do.
Ah yes, the “Scripture of George”,
In about a year they will become the “Prophecies of George”
In 10 years he’ll have his own sect…
Just like Ronnie.
No attacks on American soil after 9/11!one1!!
Anthrax guy anyone?
oops someone already covered that
After Katrina the US was not further decimated by later equally incompetent disaster management. Another win for Bush!
First thing the next President should do is bomb California. Then they can spend the entire rest of their term crowing about how things are so much better than they used to be.
What about that “Ishmael Axe” guy? He was an ebil Muslim terrist according to some right-wingers.
The Islamofascists are killing thousands of Murkans here. They disguise the deaths as “highway accidents.” Wake up people! You could be next.
alec said,
Look, repeating yourself over and over isn’t good trolling. It just makes you look like an idiot, and that – surprisingly – is the opposite of the idea.
Learn to play, novice. Fuck off until you do.
Sigh. Where’s that Retardo or Html or whatever he’s calling himself nowadays?
Surely he read the bill and lives on a farm and could rant in endless paragraphs and then maybe you all would pay attention?
Or maybe not.
There’s not much difference between “chickenhawks” who won’t get off the sofa to go to war and whatever the fuck it is you all are doing, sitting in the den eating tofu hitting the paypal button for Myanamar.
Current delegate standings
Obama: 2034
Clinton: 2027
Edwards: 32
And Clinton currently leads by around 350K right now.
We’re going to Denver, may the best person win, whoever she may be.
Also, i’d imagine Clinton gets a few more delegates for the total pounding she laid on Obama in East Kentucky.
The fact is that 51% of Americans have had 0% of the Presidents and that has to change.
There’s not much difference between “chickenhawks” who won’t get off the sofa to go to war and whatever the fuck it is you all are doing, sitting in the den eating tofu hitting the paypal button for Myanamar.
Sorry. edit Myanamar for Haiti.
Of course the reason Haiti is starving is US rice subsidies, furthered by and supported by the recent Farm Bill that no one wants to talk about. I think that is fucking sad.
Ahch nevermind, i got a ramen/tofu bowl here, whoops dribbled some soy sauce on my chin.
Hey, American Idol is on TV!
That homeland shit kind of gives me the creeps.
Every time I hear some jackoff use the term “homeland,” I get the reflexive urge to kick somebody in the nuts. I realize this is an atavistic impulse, so I strive to suppress it and feel sympathy for the speaker. Anybody who uses “homeland” without irony has probably been pissing themselves every day since 9/11, and deserves my sympathy.
12% of Americans also have had 0% of the Presidents (and some of them are part of your 51%) plus they got to enjoy the first 16 of them while living in pens, Winslow Counts Too.
Didn’t all three Presidential hopefuls either vote for or voted absent for your precious bill, spam troll? What the fuck is your point?
I’d like to find the person who decided that “Backspace” should equal, “Go Back to Last Webpage” and punch them in the face with a kitten.
“The fact is that 51% of Americans have had 0% of the Presidents and that has to change.”
The fact is, you’re a boring troll, and that is never going to change. Eat pie, and enjoy voting for McCain in November.
Heh, indeed.
Some Guy said,
May 21, 2008 at 10:56
12% of Americans also have had 0% of the Presidents (and some of them are part of your 51%) plus they got to enjoy the first 16 of them while living in pens, Winslow Counts Too.
Whoa, calm down there Chester. 0% of me not understanding wahtever it is you are on about.
Didn’t all three Presidential hopefuls either vote for or voted absent for your precious bill, spam troll? What the fuck is your point?
Well you got me there. Can’t get a point by you.
I’d like to find the person who decided that “Backspace” should equal, “Go Back to Last Webpage” and punch them in the face with a kitten.
Lotta pie out today
No one tell Hindsniffer that the Beltway Snipers were tried and convicted as terrorists, it might ruin his day.
I hope so. I hope those lazy fuckers regret depicting him as a villain when they should have been treating him like a villain by shipping his ass off to the Hague.
I like Winslow’s quirky lower-case ‘t’ followed by the cap ‘W’. It’s quirky.
In fact, I think I’m gonna use it. From now on I shall refer to all obnoxious one-trick trolls as ‘tWats’.
I’d like to point out that despite the constant battles being waged by Dero and Tero, no Agarthan scorpion-men riding cybernetic dinosaurs have broken free from the Hollow Earth and laid waste to any cities, let alone American ones. Clearly this show how great a presidency this is and that the US is well suited to being the World’s Policeman (in charge of the Agarthan scorpion-men beat).
In the category of stink, t Winslow Bonehead cleans my clock.
The “t” is silent.
enough to make parody hide behind the water heater cutting her arms with a sharpened Glassjaw CD
This is why I love Gavin.
Wow, if “no further attacks on US soil” is the measure of greatness, then surely the wingnuts will admit that Bill Clinton was the greatest! After all, there were no further attacks on US soil after the first bombings of the World Trade Center, at least until that unfortunate Bush fellow took office. QED: wingnuts agree, Bill Clinton is the most successful President ever!
IBD once editorialized on their front page that the MSM was washed up because Rush Limbaugh’s TV show was getting higher ratings than Dan Rather in Yuba City. Limbaugh’s show was canceled soon thereafter and Rather continued on CBS for over a decade.
After all, there were no further attacks on US soil after the first bombings of the World Trade Center, at least until that unfortunate Bush fellow took office.
I’m sure that if there were a major terrorist attack nine months after Obama takes office, conservatives would be happy to heap the responsibility on George W. Bush.
Ah, Ms. Mulabay. One can dream, can’t he?
You libs will see. Some day they will be comparing me to that John Q. Polk guy who saved America from the Mexican menace and made Texas safe for slaves or Teddy Roosevelt who saved us from the Japanese. I’ll be up on that list with the great presidents right next to Jefferson Davis. Then you libs will be laughing out of the other end of your colon.
There has not been a single terrorist attack on the homeland, ???
so what exactly happened on September 11, 2001 ???
aws that not a single act of terrorism ???
and wasn’t bush the presnit ???
and wasn’t bush warned on August 6, 2001 ???
so that’s a LIE
I’d better clean my glasses; I read that last word as “degenerates.”
Then again, maybe I was just thinking of WordPress.
The fact is that 51% of Americans have had 0% of the Presidents and that has to change.
So will all of y’all who intend to vote only on the basis of XX chromosomes be out there campaigning for the GOP if they run Liddy Dole or some other prominent Republican woman for president next time around?
themann1086 hit the anthrax; arky the Beltway Snipers. There were also a coupla eco guys in the NW who torched a few SUVs who were then convicted as — you guessed it — terrorists; eco-terrorists, but terrorists nonetheless unther the Patriot Act. And there’s some guy in ?Texas? who set of a bomb in front of a courthouse a few years back who’s being prosecuted as a terrorist. It seems I remember one more incident, but details escape me.
But, y’know, none of those were moosloomofascist terrorist attacks, so they don’t count, right? Right!?!?!