Swankwatch ’08
COPING WITH BETRAYAL
J. Grant Swank, Jr.[…]
I have had fellow parsonage couples say to me, “The very ones I gave my blood for have turned on me.”
“I thought I was doing what they wanted done; now they tell me I’m not doing anything right.”
“The ones I had in for evening meals are the ones who have set up the coalitions to get rid of me.”
“The ones I had thought to be trusted are the ones who have been the most vicious.”
Because we fear being considered inferior to the task, the wounds of the job are whispered only in private with the very select; and even they are held in guarded suspicion.
After all, political snares are here and there, who knows where? After a while, we wonder if anyone, especially within the ecclesiastical machine, can be truly trusted with the inner questions of the occupation.
Apparently, our wingnut pal Pastor Swank has been kicked out of another congregation. This is the worst news since he was caught smuggling dope into a prison! …Except for the time his church was infested with demons!
Somehow there has to be a solution, at least a partial one, if we want to conclude that it is too soon to die inside.
I’m sorry, but this totally makes me feel bad for mocking him regularly, year in and year out, through thick and thin, in every season and with unrelenting perspicuity, until he was driven mad. Wouldn’t you feel bad as well? Clif, what about you? I swear to God that we feel bad for him now.
We must develop meaningful friendships outside the congregation. It is so easy to become so hounsebound with our parishioners that we put aside to a future date the making of companionships “on the outside.” Yet when betrayals surface, where will we go? To whom will we turn?
[extending a laurel and hearty handshake]
Then again, friendship or no, Swank might have trouble finding himself a new pulpit, seeing as how Teh Ghey Conspiracy has been forcing its proverbial agenda down the proverbial throats of so many Christian denominations:
HOMOSEXUALS SPREAD ‘UNSTOPPABLE’ BACTERIA
J. Grant Swank, Jr.“A drug-resistant strain of potentially deadly bacteria has moved beyond the borders of U.S. hospitals and is being transmitted among gay men during sex, researchers said on Monday.
“They said methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus, or MRSA, is beginning to appear outside hospitals in San Francisco, Boston, New York and Los Angeles.”
“‘Once this reaches the general population, it will be truly unstoppable,’ said Binh Diep, a researcher at the University of California, San Francisco who led the study” per Reuters.
Yet who encourages homosexual recreational sex?
Included in that hurrah is the Episcopal Church of America, United Church of Christ (Congregational), and the Universalist Society, as well as segments within the Roman Catholic Church, United Methodist Church, American Baptist Church, and the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America.
He forgot Teh Quakers, my own denomination of choice. But perhaps he can share a shrinking iceberg with these folks:
Above: Don’t puzzle our Muppets!
…Alas, I have no Photoshop on this computer, so I can’t do the standard one-pixel border around that image as it so needfully demands (halp!), but let it here be said that among Swank’s few abiding Christian virtues, when it all comes down to cases, is that he stands up for ‘the blacks.’
And, you know, mighty oaks from little acorns, as they so often say. Perhaps we’ll see a better Pastor Swank when this all shakes out.
CONSERVATIVE SITES SLOWING DOWN
J. Grant Swank, Jr.Some conservative sites are slowing down. Some down to nill.
It’s amazing. I wonder if the various webmasters realize this of other webmasters. But it is a new phenomenon.
I’m not about to psych out why this is going on. But the sites themselves show a barren field whereas before there were journalistic crops growing—large and healthy.
We’ll leave the light on for ya!
Those pastors and pastors’ wives started in the ministry with the sincere desire to save the world for Jesus. They wanted to be a friend to mankind on behalf of a kind Creator.
However, as time went on, they discovered that their naive, open vulnerability cost them something.
Uh, so was it God himself that betrayed Pastor Swank?
“Because we fear being considered inferior to the task, the wounds of the job are whispered only in private with the very select; and even they are held in guarded suspicion.”
As always with friend Swank, it’s a two-entree combo deal of retarded Shakespeare and The Bible For Dogs. Thanks, Gav, not only for bringing this to (what is left of) our attention, but for explaining it.
Why was he fired? WAS he fired? Or do I have to follow the links? Aw, come on…
Sorry to be such a pedant, but the man’s scribblings make no fucking sense.
So what happened, was Swank caught buggering another altar boy? I’m at work and don’t want to get in trouble for visiting pr0n sites by clicking on those links. As a liberal fascist, I am of course opposed to the random rogering of randy rogueish lads.
The reich-wing? Not so much.
Holy Crap!
Swank wasn’t bad enough before?
Now he’s got Chris Muir writing his posts??
Damn, this is all making my face hurt…
mikey
I’ll need more time to pysch out what he’s talking about.
I wonder if the various webmasters realize this of other webmasters.
Webmasters are the Rothchilds of Liberal Fascism.
“Some conservative sites are slowing down. Some down to nill.”
Damn peak oil.
After all, political snares are here and there, who knows where? After a while, we wonder if anyone, especially within the ecclesiastical machine, can be truly trusted with the inner questions of the occupation.
So it was political, and it seems that his too-candid questioning of issues of faith led to his downfall.
In other words, his persecution of gays and political ravings made him an embarrassment, and his congregation snuck up on him and booted him out.
Sounds like he was a victim of the dreaded ‘This guy is NUTS.” whisper campaign. Pity he was the last to find out.
It is kind of comforting to read an insiders view on the demise of Christianist hate sites though. Gotta thank him for that little peek.
I’ll start keeping a bag of Cheetos in my car in case I see him standing by the side of the road with a cardboard sign…
You know, I’ve tried to parody Swank’s style, but I just cannot do it. There will always be the Immortal Master and I am just Saleri.
He is an American treasure. His utter disregard for the basic rules of English is prodigious.
Above: Don’t puzzle our Muppets!
Their heads will explode and steam will issue from the hole.
As a gay man, those black redneck preachers just scare the bejezuz out of me. They’re the last ones you can convince that you’re a real, normal human being, and the first ones to deny it’s discrimination. And they talk to god. What do you do?
Oh, and get The GIMP. Not Photoshop, but certainly adequate for fooling around.
http://www.gimp.org/
The fact is, it rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again.
Betrayal’s sword the worst to bare.
For friendship promised, treason seized,
And thus dared prostitute the name
Of honored Friendship, crushed its reed.
Iambic tetrameter? Wait… ‘PRO-sti-TUTE’? Moronic tetrameter more like it.
Betrayal, yeah, a stab in the back.
Betrayal, yeah, I’m stretched on the rack.
Betrayal, yeah, thrown out of the pack.
Much better.
One wonders if, given enough time, a hypothetical mash-up of Pastor Swank, Kaye Grogan, Chris Muir, The Pantload, and KJL would, as part of its output, almost surely produce “Gravity’s Rainbow.”
Christianity has been the biggest force good in the world and particularly Western Civilization than anything else, even better than capitalism which is the second best.
The fact that you liberals love to mock Christianity and Christians proves how ignorant you are of history. Without Christianity their would be no democracy, constitutional government, human rights, freedom, liberty, abolishment of slavery or private property rights.
Christianity is the cornerstone of Western Civilization and the fact that you want to corrupt it with secular humanism and gayness goes to show just how morally debased you liberals are.
Oh, I still have P-shop on my other computer, but haven’t ported it over yet. Finally broke down and got a laptop, with the little ticky-ticky Chiclet keys and the tappy-draggy touchpad, and all those anti-efficiency devices.
And Windows Vista is such a step up. Never before has the pop-up beg-window attained such primacy, such centrality over the home-computer experience…
Have no fear, Sadly Nosians!
He’s just being pastorly and giving us good advice:
Yet how often do we wake in the morning with the faces of the opposition staring at us from the mirror?
Let us wipe away those faces as best we can and move on to other things, …
Indeed.
[St. Paul to the] Ephesians 6:5-9: “Servants, be obedient to them that are your masters according to the flesh, with fear and trembling, in singleness of your heart, as unto Christ; Not with eyeservice, as menpleasers; but as the servants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart; With good will doing service, as to the Lord, and not to men: Knowing that whatsoever good thing any man doeth, the same shall he receive of the Lord, whether he be bond or free. And, ye masters, do the same things unto them, forbearing threatening: knowing that your Master also is in heaven; neither is there respect of persons with him.”
I have it on very good authority that Pastor Swank is the sole heir to the renowned cheap-cufflinks-and-matching-tiepin empire and should be accorded all the respect to which a name revered at every bus station candy-and-notions counter and three-chairs-and-a-wooden-pony barbershop in the rust belt is entitled.
Without god, there would be no bricks without straw.
“Athens is among the first recorded and one of the most important Western democracies in ancient times; the word “democracy” (Greek: ?????????? – “rule by the people”) was coined by Athenians in order to define their system of government, around 508 BC, after the proposals of Cleisthenes.”
Of course, the Greeks weren’t Christian then.
“Clusters of CA-MRSA skin infections have been documented among athletes participating in contact sports, military recruits, Pacific Islanders, Alaskan Natives, Native Americans, men who have sex with men, IV drug users, and prisoners.” link
How does Swanky think this should affect the other groups? Should we discourage contact sports and military recruitment?
From teh Swank’s site:
HAHAHA… Obama knowingly kills ‘womb babies’! Gosh that Barack Obama can’t hardly give a speech without encouraging gay people to have consequence-free orgies. Doesn’t he even know that Jesus, a 33-year old virgin with a devout following of twelve strapping young men, does NOT approve??!
This man has some pathology that is yet to be clinically described. Good for his congregation to give him the boot. If his spoken word is half as asinine as his his written word, I’m sure there was much shifting of butts in the pews.
“Excavations in modern-day Iraq by Ernest de Sarzec in 1877 found evidence of the earliest known code of justice, issued by the Sumerian king Urukagina of Lagash ca 2300 BC….Aristotle (ca 350 BC) was one of the first in recorded history to make a formal distinction between ordinary law and constitutional law, establishing ideas of constitution and constitutionalism, and attempting to classify different forms of constitutional government.”
Doesn’t he even know that Jesus, a 33-year old virgin with a devout following of twelve strapping young men, does NOT approve??!
You hear that boys? Stop looking at women! STOP LOOKING AT THEM!!!
You know, my uber-wingnut mother-in-law used this exact phrasing (he’s a liar, an outright liar) when discussing how Obama couldn’t have possibly gone to a Catholic school, as his mother is atheist and OOH MUSLIMS!!!!1.
One wonders if they all have radios in their brains.
I informed her that we live in an age where it’s actually pretty easy to determine that, yeah, Obama did go to this school, and yeah, WGAS. She then told me that he refuses to say the Pledge. They’re nothing if not persistent.
He misspelled “feces” twice, but he may have been cross-eyed with exhaustion after rimming all those underage street hustlers.
Swank really is the most consistently incoherent ‘nut of them all.
Although I challenge anyone to figure out what odd little screed means, from one of the guys who sang “Snoopy Vs. the Red Baron” 40 years ago and participated in a wingnutty “Snoopy Vs. Osama” reunion a few years back.
Swear to Koresh, I thought the post was titled Skankwatch ’08 at first. Did you substitute p-shop skilz for some funky html that makes the title change when my cursor goes over it? No? Then I’ll have to ask for some more of this stuff next time…
Also:
Let’s hope it doesn’t migrate to little boys, or the priesthood could be in some serious trouble pretty soon…
Aww, Susan!
Everbuddie KNOWS that Jeebus was ridin’ around on them thar diner-sowers back in tweenny-tree hunnert Bee-Cee!
“Further Obama endorses recreational sex, particularly among homosexuals. He knows that Jesus does not approve of that.”
NOT APPROVE?!?!? Honey, I had to work double-triple super-duper overtime just ’cause Jesus couldn’t keep the Penis out of Peter.
You hear that boys? Stop looking at women! STOP LOOKING AT THEM!!!
No problem, pedestrian. Got that one covered.
Jesus would be proud of you gbear. And so would the Mrs. Jesus
If Christians extremists are so upset about being “mocked” (which, I assume, includes every disagreement over interpretations and translations), then they should stop being so easy to “mock.” Part of the reason I ridicule these so-called Christians is because I want them to stop making Jesus looks so foolish, evil, ignorant, intolerant and insane.
You hear me, Chris? Stop making Jesus look so foolish, evil, ignorant, intolerant and insane.
Is that so unreasonable?
Janus node only makes it more coherent.
Hey Janus, I think a position just opened up that you’d be perfect for..
the ecclesiastical machine
I am trying to imagine what this is, but all I can think of is a steam-driven Victorian prayer-wheel… a theological version of the Babbage Analytical Engine, whirring away in the catacombs beneath the Vatican. Red-caped cardinals from the Knights of St. Patrick* swarm over it with oil-cans, dodging spurts of steam…
Too much salt liquorice last night.
*Patron saint of engineers.
Got that one covered.
One day you’ll spy some hot macho number in flannel riding a motor-bike, feel the lust well up and she’ll turn around and BOOM your flesh boils off in a demon’s cauldron.
Included in that hurrah is…
So a ‘Hurrah’ is the collective term for a group of homosexual-recreational-sex encouragers. That certainly fills a lexical gap. As they say, the English Language is a living, growing thing (as opposed to Latin, say, which is a zombie; or Esperanto, which is possibly a vampire).
she’ll turn around and BOOM your flesh boils off in a demon’s cauldron.
Judging from the colourful but disturbing nature of RB’s imagination, he has also been overdoing the salt liquorice.
Duros62–
All right, fine, I can’t breathe, I’m laughing so hard. WHAT IS JANUS NODE? A person? A web site? A program? A hoax? I’m beggin’ ya.
I understand the words, standing alone, that the good Pastor has written, but when I put them together, I can’t figure out what the fuck he’s talking about.
Never mind. I looked it up. Amazing how long it takes for it to dawn on me that relief is just a Google away.
Several who snort your psychological copulations are curiously considered a cultural lag and intellectually inferior as dark as segments within your Tessa Catholic love life, United Methodist love life, American Baptist love life, or your lacy Luther a love life of America, United love life of America, United love life of America. Included in that hurrah is your dark for conservatives of many more sites to glee blue to your district superintendent. How exist he depreciated photogenic your 16mm camera in his office.
the colourful but disturbing nature of RB’s imagination
I haven’t been the same since the vagina bears came around.
What could teh swankster possibly say in his private confessions that’s crazier than his public pronouncements? The mind staggers.
I’m starting to worry about our most Righteous of Bubbas. Prolonged and repeated exposure to the Janusnode may well have a long-term deleterious effect. I’m going to have to start writing prescriptions soon…
mikey
Some conservative sites are slowing down. Some down to nill.
…the sites themselves show a barren field whereas before there were journalistic crops growing—large and healthy.
Conservaturnips: a genetically modified crop experiment that failed.
Conservaturnips: a genetically modified crop experiment that failed.
…when they fell off the Conservaturnip truck?
Of course, the Greeks weren’t Christian then.
Yeah, yeah, tell it to Sherri Shepherd.
I’m going to have to start writing prescriptions soon…
Did I mention the serious JanusNode habit I’ve developed? OK, well, I probably shouldn’t have said “habit.”
img style=”border: solid 1px #000;” src=”x”
theres your magic code for a black 1pixel border around an img
Earlier Swanky genius:
“I heard someone on TV say this morning, “Say a prayer for Texas.”
What? Say a prayer for Texas? Are you kidding?
That brought me to ask: “Where is the ACLU when we need it most?” I just don’t get it. We are in one slam of an emergency in this nation. Drenched details are spilling over our consciousness 24 / 7. “
That’s Hedley!
Did I mention the serious JanusNode habit I’ve developed? OK, well, I probably shouldn’t have said “habit.”
Me too. I blame you, RB. Or thank you. Can’t tell which.
I just figured out that if you’re calling another text DNA file you should start the second filename with a zero so that it doesn’t automatically process. Now I have nice clean regular pet deaths.
Yeah, I still don’t get it, to be honest. I’m jus’ clicking to see what happens.
Random geometry of chance kinda thing.
Now that the good pastor is unchurched perhaps we should help him out? We owe him afterall, so maybe Sadly, No! could become the Sadly No Church of the Swank? At the very least we ought to offer him a position as Honorary pastor of Sadly No. It’s the least we can do.
Well, make a folder in textDNA and call it Mine.
Make a text file called Mine (no .txt suffix necessary) and include this line:
100 Subject(one) “I” 100 InsultVerbs 100 “that” 100 adjectives 100 RJWaterAnimals 100 punctuate 100 return 100
Put the text file in the Mine folder. Restart JanusNode. In the list underneath Introductory Sample will be “Mine”.
100 is a frequency percentage and the first one applies to the sentence as a whole. “Subject(one)” is the name of the item as a whole. Every 100 thereafter applies to the item just before it, so every item in this textDNA fires 100 percent of the time they’re invoked. Things in quotes are literal text. Things without quotes are either looking in the BrainFood folder for an identical filename from which to draw words or, in the case of the last two items, are special commands.
The output:
I terminate that slender blackfish?
I eat that green catfish.
I bring curses upon that pigheaded alligator…
I draw blood from that demented fish?
I bring curses upon that trembling perch?
I rain evil upon that capricious ‘gator?
I bring ill to that trembling fish.
I bankrupt that cinematic water snake…
I bankrupt that anarchistic shrimp.
I call down the wrath of the Gods upon that shattered perch?
I eat that nubile black bass.
I torture that unrealistic blind fish?
I curse that envious alligator?
I torment that cheap shrimp…
I destroy that rambling ‘gator…
I annoy that mysterious turtle?
I execute that eternal turtle…
I terminate that notorious perch.
I bring zits to that pliable blackfish…
I annoy that capricious perch.
I cripple that jazz alligator…
I damn that explorable ‘gator.
I destroy that fabulous ‘gator?
I tax that odd fish.
I place obstacles before that abundant catfish?
I execute that explorable black bass.
I bring zits to that occasional whitefish?
I make impossible that conscious blackfish?
I dominate that evangelical black bass…
I exploit that early catfish?