The Beast is Red, Chapter 11: Pestilence Goes For The Big Laff
It’s become very fashionable lately to avoid any mention of Ann Coulter. Like the slow-wit down at the package liquor store who hoists it out of his trousers if you pitch him a quarter, attention only rewards her, this argument goes. Without our rage and affront to feed upon, it’s supposed that she will just dry up and blow away, a forever-forgotten well-born aberration, and not at all a ghost of our time.
Watching the lines of bad haircuts and suits filled with gangly limbs stretching halfway down Calvert Street, I’m not so sure. Ann Coulter is an entertainer the same way a schoolyard punchout is an entertainment, but she’s unbelievably popular. Every book she writes is a best-seller, every TV talk show appearance is must-see TV, and her popularity suggest not the depths to which people will sink to get attention, but the significant size of that portion of the vox pop that really is longing for a Jester of the Apocalypse, someone to keep ’em laughing while the bombs fall and the oil runs out. She’s the Joey Bishop of genocide, and while we might just live long enough to find her a quaint and possibly baffling relic of the past, for the time being, her Rat Pack runs the country. Right into the dirt.
Ann’s intemperate punch lines got her disinvited from CPAC’s official schedule this year, or so the story goes. The whole thing smacks of a publicity stunt, given that she’s right here, hagged out and surrounded by adoring hate-groupies as always, broadcasting on a Town Hall feed from hotel premises instead of via jerry-rigged webcam from a burnt-out gas station in Southeast somewhere. Her introduction glows like a freshly scrubbed toilet, calling her a woman of “unbelievable courage” who “doesn’t let left-wing pseudo-intellectuals push her around”. Never has one New Canaanite braved so much as does the supernaturally pampered Ann Coulter; courage has been redefined many times at this conference — always to describe people who have never had to suffer through war or horror, and often to specifically exclude one particular candidate who has — but the word is stretched as far as the language can bear to accommodate her bony frame, which won’t pick up a cup of coffee that an immigrant touched.
Showing her keen grasp of the fundamentals of comedy, Coulter starts her performance with a call-back to an earlier episode: Hillary’s campaign can’t use “I Am Woman” as its theme song, because it’s already taken by John Edwards. This is the point at which I’d normally say “Why doesn’t she just come right out and call John Edwards a faggot?”, but goddamned if she’s not ahead of the curve on that one. She does prove me wrong by not calling Barack Obama (or, as she puts it, “B. Hussein Obama”) a nigger, but she does say that his greatest accomplishment was being born half-black, and if he wasn’t, he wouldn’t be where he is today. This gets big cheers, being a familiar argument to anyone born after the passage of the Civil Rights Act: no darky can accomplish anything on his own. Darky do well, darky owes it all to massa. Massa feel guilty, yes sah, else ways darky ain’t do shit. B. Hussein, in Ann’s thoroughly-modern-Millie p.o.v., simply does not know his place. (The racial sensitivity doesn’t end there: later in the act, Ann says she could help Hillary Clinton with her fake accent, because “I actually know some black people.” No doubt: there’s the boy who parks her car, the boy who opens the door to her building, the boy who hands her a towel down at the health club…)
Before she launches into her half-hour invective against John McCain — who is apparently slightly to the left of Ward Churchill — she gets off a couple of pieces of vintage Ann Coulter shock-out-with-your-cock-out: her reaction to simultaneous terror attacks on two cities would depend on which two cities. Liberals hounded poor Rudy Giuliani because he supported “dripping water down their noses”. Comparing Hillary to Stalin is an insult to Stalin. It’s all very funny, and the YIFfies laugh clubbily except for a few awkward silences when they don’t get the joke because it has a sub-clause in it. Still, the funniest moment from where I’m sitting (hunched over between two nearly-abandoned booths in the Exhibit Hall) is her delivery of a line she apparently meant to be serious: speaking of the Republican Party, she says, “Conniving is not our strong point. Honor is our strong point.”
At one point, Ann confuses the crowd by busting out the word “contumacious”, and her blackleg dad smiles from the great beyond knowing all that tuition money for Cornell wasn’t wasted. But right up until the end of her performance, she tips the game: when she hits a particularly thorny passage, when she’s about to say or has just said something that would make any decent member of society upend a gallon of paint over her head, the person who laughs loudest at her joke is Ann Coulter. That’ll be the way for her until no one’s laughing anymore.
(A few more photos under the cut.)
The “Hugo Chavez Democrats” panel: look at all those empty seats. Maybe we really have silenced the right!
Andrew Breitbart: “And I am here to tell you that STEPHEN BALDWIN was that anonymous patriot who donated an entire bag of Rolos to the local veteran’s hospital!”
David Horowitz: “Oh, nothing. What are you doing?”
Kirby Wilbur: If the Hillarycrats reinstate the Fairness Doctrine, this man will only be able to afford one Bloomin’ Onion per meal.
Joseph Farah: No witch can defeat the power of his moustache.
Passages: American Milk Solids Council inks exclusive advertising deal with WorldNet Daily.
And you are still lucid.
Nerves of steel, man, nerves of steel…
How dyed is Joseph Farah’s mustache? Can he not see the rest of his head?
Not only lucid but also ludic. Carry on, LP, and DON’T GET CAUGHT!
Someone should tell him that Grecian Formula is for more than facial hair.
Love your suit!
Joseph Farah looks exactly like Sy Tolliver in that pic.
(meaning the top pic. didn’t recognize him in the lower one. still love your suit.)
Darky do well, darky owes it all to massa.
It’s way past that, MLP. From my observations around here (OH), wingnuts feel that they are victims of reverse discrimation.
The victimhood is strong with this one!
Farah, he cock-suckah!
John O, you might not be the only one, but that’s information I could do without.
It would be nice if there could finally be at least one white business executive or major investor or media personality or military leader or political leader. We are so oppressed.
[…] to accommodate her bony frame, which won’t pick up a cup of coffee that an immigrant touched. Sadly, No! » The Beast is Red, Chapter 11: Pestilence Goes For The Big Laff « These people are repulsive, but I had to chuckle at the sight of homophobic […]
I’ve actually wondered about this. Where can she go to get a cup of coffee, or to get her roots touched up at the salon, etc., without getting spat on?
I dunno.
I mean sure. It’s good. You do good work.
A nation’s thanks fit neatly in your pocket.
But there’s a burnout threshold, and it’s starting to take hold.
No, Derek, not around the writing. Around the subject.
The hatred, the subtext, the violence, the divisiveness. How can it be?
What can it contribute. What do they REALLY want?
I just guess I don’t want to live in a world with people like this.
I want people to try to find a way to live together, not find a reason to hate or kill one another.
What contribution comes with the dogwhistle? The code word.
What is it that unites us as Americans?
What is it that’s worth fighting for?
Lessons. Guess there’s some kind of serious learning left to do…
mikey
That suit… OMFG.
You are a greater man than I, Leonard Pierce.
I mean, Gunga Din’s loincloth would be an improvement. How you suffer for your art!
Bravo, Leonard! From Kefir to Milk Solids, you have truly arrived. May Jehovallah protect your halfbreed soul on your journey in and out the Underworld. If you see Munkar and Nakir, you went too far.
-Rev.
A brave reporter, and true, MLP. Get home safely, OK?
Christ, Pyle, you got that close to Joseph Farah and didn’t cap his ass? What would the crack cocaine spider have to say about that, beeyotch?
Interesting. Your take on Coulter is similar to mine. She’s not stupid, she’s not crazy. She is a talented comedian and effective emotional bully who quite honestly would like to see much of the population in concentration camps. She’s still dangerous.
I actually take heart that the only thing the wingnuts can come up with to attack Obama is his name*, and that he’s not white. That’s the best they got. He must scare the piss out out of them, maybe even more then the wogs (with their numerous WMDs) do.
*Did you know that it reminiscent of Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden?! Isn’t that CRAZY?!? I sure hope he’s not actually a terrorist in disguise! But with a name that’s so similar, one can’t help but wonder…
Like any good comedian, Ann Coulter appreciates a nice pie in the face.
(The asset has been activated.)
except for a few awkward silences when they don’t get the joke because it has a sub-clause in it.
See, this is why I’ve kept reading this series. While I don’t agree with that one dude who says it’s not funny, I will say that you have to dig sometimes for the nut. But it’s always worth it.
She is a talented comedian
I wouldn’t call her a talented comedian. She gets laughs from borderline psychotics — that doesn’t mean she’s actually funny. But she does indeed have a peculiar talent for effectively entertaining psychos.
Some of the wealthiest neighborhoods in the US have all-white staff. Trust me.
My wife used to work with one
assholewho lived in a neighborhood where all the garbagemen were white in starch white uniforms that drove around in golf carts on the side streets, and taking them to the dump truck on the main street (because I guess a dump truck would be unsightly going next to your house). They would even go into your garage to take the cans, so you don’t have to hurt your precious hands hauling them to the curb. I swear, there wasn’t a person of color in that neighborhood. Most surreal fucking thing ever.Holy crap, I just looked at the schedule. CPAC it goes on for yet another full day! Doug Giles AND Dr. Mike Adams, followed by the Newtster and Phyllis Schlafly. Please lay off the vicodin and vodka and get your hands on some Naked smoothies, fresh fruit and whole grain bread. Strengthen yourself, man. A third day slogging through that Bataan Death March of an absurdist nightmare would push any decent person past the edge.
It would be irresponsible not to speculate…
shock-out-with-your-cock-out:
or borax-from-your (massive)-Thorax.
After reading her eulogy for her dad, she no longer puzzles me. Her Electra complex swallows galaxies. Whatever cruel thing can bring a smile to Daddy-the-labor-hating-lawyer’s face is what she’s going to say. I mean, the ONLY words she quotes him saying to her were that she wasn’t fully dressed– her miniskirt, she is bragging to us, aroused her father. Her “real man” desired her, you understand.
But she will never quite get the reassurance she needs, so she will keep up with the insane remarks to get noticed by the distant, gruff dad up in heaven (where all the Pinkerton guards and corporate lawyers laugh about the strikers’ skulls they cracked). All of her “greatest hits” make perfect sense once you realize they are desperate attempts at seduction, not political persuasion.
Nice suit. Who shines it for you?
I keep thinking Leonard going to start talking about his cough, his conversations with Herr Settembrini, and how he needs to say with the CPAC folks just a little longer.
Caitlyn Sith said,
February 9, 2008 at 6:04
WIN.
Add in the fact that the likes of Ace, etc. are dreaming of being seduced, 9-11.
I mean, 24-7. Add in the fact that the Play-Doh and Bacon Strips (that skimpy, they must be the 99 cent value version) aren’t really going to meet the road, so to speak, and she’s a wingnut fantasy cum true.
But there’s a burnout threshold, and it’s starting to take hold….Around the subject. The hatred, the subtext, the violence, the divisiveness. How can it be?
I was just thinking about this when I was driving home, and there was a story on the radio about Mukasey and the waterboarding.
I flashed to the funny ha-ha waterboarding CIA Swim Team T-shirts Leonard said the CPAC kiddies were selling.
And I thought – what is it about these people that makes them turn death, fear, pain, torture, into a big goddam joke?
And I thought, is there an equivalent on the other side? Something where my ideology, in my opposition to a position to someone else, would make me laugh or joke or minimize some horror.
Funny T-shirts about almost drowning people? Remember the Purple Heart band-aids? Think of all the partying Frat Boys who whoop and drink and holler outside prisons on the eve of someone’s execution.
If the planets were aligned differently, and it was the Left that opposed abortion, and the Right that was Pro-Choice, you would see young conservatives selling novelty Barbeque aprons that had printed upon them the legend “Fetus! It’s the other White Meat!”
But with a name that’s so similar, one can’t help but wonder…
Yes, like
Richard
RamirezViguerieJohn
Wayne GacyBohnerTed
BundyOlsonDavid
BerkowitzHorowitzWhile this has been another edition of What Mikey Said, I’d like to add my voice to the chorus admiring our intrepid correspondent. How he can stand that gang-assault on human decency, even with the aid of a truly impressive pharmacopia, escapes my imagination.
Perhaps the Wingnut Welfare Wurlitzer can splurge the last of its cash, send a whole bunch of us to the next event, and secretly record us there. Goldberg’s liberal fascist fantasy could get a boost from our mutterings. After all, no matter how liberal we are, eventually we’ll crack. Once we spend several whole days hearing acres of drooping, pasty flesh joyfully gang-rape all meaning from noble words like “dignity”, “honor”, “courage”, “sacrifice”, “patriotism”, “bravery”, “morality”, &c., some of us will start audibly fantasizing about mass murder.
Before I read the caption on the last one, I thought the one guy from the Barenaked Ladies was a conservative and was going to have to rethink my addiction to their music.
So, then I read and see it’s the author. ‘One Week’ now back on my iPod.
That first comment is something of a komedy killer.
Farah’s mustache is real — it’s the rest of him that’s fake.
Sorry, RB.
Every now and then, I’ve had enough. Like most of the second term of Bush the Lesser.
Is it just me, or does St. McCain of Media Mountain actually have a 50-50 shot?
I think he does.
John O, I, too, have had enough–but I really don’t want anyone to be raped. It’s wrong. Under all circumstances. And there are way, way, way too many women in the blogosphere who, when they dare to have an opinioin, get trolls who threaten them wtih, or suggest they should be, rape(d). Even AC’s calls for violence don’t justify it: if such calls for violence are wrong, then they’re wrong.
And, yes, let me reiterate, I despise AC and her ilk.
Is it just me, or does St. McCain of Media Mountain actually have a 50-50 shot?
Of course he does. And not just because the American people have shown they will let someone like the leaping gnome who currently holds the White House get anywhere close to the presidency.
There are more than enough confused, uninformed voters out there who will pull the lever for McCain because he was a war hero, or is old, or is slightly more pro-environment than the typical Republican, for him to think he has a puncher’s chance.
she does say that his greatest accomplishment was being born half-black, and if he wasn’t, he wouldn’t be where he is today.
I wonder, wonder, wonder why more black people don’t vote Republican? What a puzzler.
And, John O, I meant to add: peace.
Caitlyn Sith said,
I keep thinking Leonard going to start talking about his cough, his conversations with Herr Settembrini,
That made my day.
I get it! “An insult to Stalin”! It’s because the conventional thinking would tell you Stalin is easily a much worse person than Clinton, but Coulter thinks Clinton is worse. That totally came out of nowhere!
I should use a joke like that sometime. I can only hope nobody would figure out that I got the idea from her.
The KPOJ website will have the MLP segment this hour (10pm-11pm PST.)
KPOJ Listen Live
“Please lay off the vicodin and vodka and get your hands on some Naked smoothies, fresh fruit and whole grain bread. Strengthen yourself, man”
And two nights ago, I was accused of being Nancy Reagan for suggesting the same thing.
Damn you all to HELL !!
Don’t let the Philistines get you down, that’s one awesome suit. Besides being stylish, with the big blacks and whites it even supports the Milk Solids Council dairy cow-ish theme.
The only thing better is this series. Godspeed brave lad, come back alive.
In fairness to John O, Coulter has repeatedly raped the concepts of decency, civility, and good taste in public and on a daily basis for 10 years or more. So in the more perfect world Coulter herself claims she longs for, i.e. an eye for an eye, this punishment would in fact fit her many crimes against humanity.
get your hands on some Naked smoothies
Always good advice.
Pürty Vacant.
You’ll always find me out to lunch.
Only now I got to enjoy all the reporting from the week.
As someone said before on the thread, lucid!
They let Coulter in after all, huh? There will be a lot of YAF tube socks that need cleaning tonight. If those little weasels start crowding you out tomorrow, invite the Marines down to set up a recruitment booth. That should clear it out.
Jesus Murphy, Leonard, that suit jacket is over the top. Next stop: Nashville’s Grand Ole Opry.
Ann Coulter will eventually end up like Henny Youngman, wearing a rumpy skirt with its sequins falling off, slathered in pancake makeup and playing in front of the new crop of young republicans in a half empty college gym somewhere in Nebraska.
Coulter at a health club.
That’s a laff-riot.
I can’t believe I hadn’t seen this one until the other day: Henry Rollins’ love letter to Ann Coulter.
Thanks, Jennifer. Yes, Narya, rape is always bad.
And I’m NOT a violent person at all, but I am a bit combative.
AC deserves nothing but scorn. And she has publicly raped every concept of decency and morality for a long time.
I was having an angry night. Sometimes it helps to pour some of it out through the keyboard.
The repetition of “Barack Hussein Obama” by assorted wingnuts has had, I think, the unintended effect of weakening whatever shock factor the man’s middle name might have had, rather than strengthening it. Saddam’s dead, and he has been for a while now; bin Laden has carefully been pushed to the back burner by the Administration. The more the Right repeats the “B. Hussein Obama/Osama” bushwah, the more remote the connection to The Bad Guys becomes.
Go for it, wingnuts! Pay no attention to the law of unintended consequences!
MLP,
Because of that suit (well, and your writing), I am in awe of you. Milk solid on, dude! You rock!
Just because I’m curious, did a comment get axed?
You don’t look like you.
I always pictured you as Don Quixote with a pince-nez. Now it turns out you look like a nightclub owner. Weird. Incidentally, I think you are the first S,N! writer to unmask here.
Caitlyn Sith:
That’s the best sketch of Coulter’s psyche I’ve ever seen.
Kudos to our intrepid correspondent for
daring to wear that suitthe coverage. The horror…the horror…[…] Ann’s intemperate punch lines got her disinvited from CPAC’s official schedule this year, or so the story goes. The whole thing smacks of a publicity stunt, given that she’s right here, hagged out and surrounded by adoring hate-groupies as always, broadcasting on a Town Hall feed from hotel premises instead of via jerry-rigged webcam from a burnt-out gas station in Southeast somewhere. Her introduction glows like a freshly scrubbed toilet, calling her a woman of “unbelievable courage” who “doesn’t let left-wing pseudo-intellectuals push her around”. Never has one New Canaanite braved so much as does the supernaturally pampered Ann Coulter; courage has been redefined many times at this conference — always to describe people who have never had to suffer through war or horror, and often to specifically exclude one particular candidate who has — but the word is stretched as far as the language can bear to accommodate her bony frame, which won’t pick up a cup of coffee that an immigrant touched.(more… from Sadly No) […]
Incidentally, I think you are the first S,N! writer to unmask here.
Oh, Andrew… you haven’t clicked on the “about” tab, have you?
Yeah, what Caitlin said.
Originally, on the first comment, John O described how he would have his way with Ann Coulter, violently. Frankly, I’m happy the comment was deleted.
Most entertaining, sir, I commend you and admire your courage to walk amongst the bizarros. I find it ironic to realize the last time I was in the Omni Shoreham was in ’85 for a World Convention of Narcotics Anonymous. I also realize that, although I have recovered to a great degree, I do not fear prison (again). Accounts like yours force me to ponder of the rationalizations that the abortion doctor killers must use to justify their murderous activities, and how this sort of rationalization of rational thought permeates the neocon hater brigade (aka “The Courageous Visionaries”). That is why I didn’t drive down to the Omni and observe the Carnival of the Courageous up close and personal- I just might relapse on my sociopathic addiction- again. I don’t want to make the front page of the newspaper- again. Love ya, man, keep comin’ back, as I tell my friends. Oh yeah, about the dope and booze, you seem normal- this appears to be a temporary medical necessity- to cope with a severe and transient psychological trauma- see, I knew that there could be better living through chemistry! Oh, and another thing, heroin IS the strongest thing you can buy without a prescription. Just be careful, ok?
Is that the Walmart suit? It is SOLID. Farah’s mustachios pale in comparison.
That’s what you look like???
I imagined . . . well, something different, I guess.
Tigrismus — nah, man, I gave up on the Wal-Mart suits after Day 2. That there is an ostrich-leather number I picked up in Mexico a while back.
Spencer — sorry to disappoint.
Mr. Wu — HANG DAI!
Mr. Pierce, you are brave and sane, so your ears aren’t equipped to hear the dog whistle: ZOMG! Brown men having their way with the fair flower of white womanhood!!! Bark bark bark snap growl yip!!!!
That one deserved to be axed.
I’m sorry, everyone. It was a moment of rage.
Still, she’s a very bad example of a human being.
Are all of you morons or something?
How many times are you going to fall for the radical right’s rope a dope crap?
This is WAAAAAYYYY too organized, from the top to the bottom, and doesn’t match up with the voting patterns.
This is talking points.
This is strategy.
This is simply the same old Fred Phelps strategy on a larger scale.
For those not in the know, if you are a radical right winger, like Fallwell (may he rot in Hell), or even Huckabee now (the other day), you simply call old Freddie and cut a deal for him to come protest you, in order to make you look a bit more mainstream.
Same old tricks. This is just on a larger scale. The radical right has been pushing the idea of McCain for the past decade and a half, and yet now, they all abandon him? I for one don’t buy this, and am chalking it up as a strategic move to make his candidacy look more mainstream, BECAUSE AMERICA IS SICK AND FUCKING TIRED OF RADICAL JIHADIST CHRISTIAN ASSHOLES WHO WANT TO START ARMAGEDDON, even though the entire Republican Party is composed of such people from the top to the bottom.
Don’t fall for the rope-a-dope. Just like Ali kicked Foreman’s ass in Zaire, the RADICAL JIHADIST CHRISTIAN ASSHOLES WHO WANT TO START ARMAGEDDON also can still kick our ass if we fall for their bullshit pretending not to support the man promising to give them ARMAGEDDON.
I might add, that this is the same man who sold America down the drain in Hanoi, and became Ho Chi Minh’s go-to guy whenever he needed a happy faced POW to put in front of the foreign media and whom would gladly badmouth America to the enemy. McCain is a TRAITOR! McCain was Ho Chi Minh’s sock puppet! Uncle Ho would shove his arm up McCain’s ass, and McCain would sing any song they wanted him to sing to the foreign press!
Anyhow, don’t let the Traitorous Christians who want to replace America with a Christo-Fascist Iran-like government fool you one bit. THESE PEOPLE LOVE MCCAIN BECAUSE HE’LL GIVE THEM ARMAGEDDON!
And ARMAGEDDON means the end of the United States Government, and the beginning of Christo-Fascist Theocracy!
Well…uh…yes, I believe that to be the case, EnderW…but jeez and all.
I thought MY (deleted) post was mad.
Interesting, no, the line that divides OK from unacceptable? Think Shuster and Matthews.
Personally, I don’t think I’m a moron. I do think I vote with about 50,000,000 of them, though.
I hope Saul Booger Ruppert studies Ender W’s spiel. That is what a real troll looks like.
Bravo, deranged dickface* flaming pile of shit type person!
AtB
*No offense to dicks.
That one deserved to be axed.
I’m sorry, everyone. It was a moment of rage.
It’s OK. I have moments of white hot rage as well. But the women reading the thread don’t deserve to feel the brunt.
It’s OK. I have moments of white hot rage as well
It’s convenient if you live near a women’s clinic that’s being picketed by Anti-Choice Theocrat thugs. When the rage hits you hard, you can just drop a taped-up roll of nickels in your jacket pocket and go down there and have a “discussion” with them.
That, or just beat the hell out of the mailbox again with a baseball bat…
mikey
Ann Coulter is Famine, not Pestilence….
Ann Coulter is the voice of reason.
You are the voice of Death.
It’s convenient if you live near a women’s clinic that’s being picketed by Anti-Choice Theocrat thugs. When the rage hits you hard, you can just drop a taped-up roll of nickels in your jacket pocket and go down there and have a “discussion” with them.
That’s a good idea, but I am not tough. So unfortunately when I get rage, it just looks ridiculous. I don’t know, maybe I will find a good use for it like that someday.
Boy that fat guy was really fat.