The Beast is Red, Chapter 8: Twice Presented Him a Kingly Crown
George W. Bush, when you get right down to it, is a fucker. That’s why I don’t like him. He’s a fucker who does fucked-up things. He’s a privileged little shit who doesn’t give a damp hell for the opinions of the people he was elected to govern. He buys into the toxic economic theories of unreconstructed capitalism, despite never having had to earn an honest living in his life, and he supports a worldview that cuts out anyone who hasn’t had his good fortune — the worldview of a murderous plutocracy stained with swaths of luck and cruelty where first is first and second is nobody. He’s stupid in the truest sense of the word: willfully ignorant and determined to surround himself with people who keep him that way, not only resistant to different ideas but actively hostile towards them. He is neurologically incapable of thinking ahead and he consigns the consequences of his actions to the status of dreams. And he forced his country into a pointless, unnecessary, unconscionably wasteful war that will poison every aspect of American life for generations.
Worst of all, though, the son of a bitch made me get up at two o’clock in the morning to go to his fucking speech at CPAC.
Now, I’m no stranger to sleeplessness. Ever since I started dating my girlfriend, Insomnia, I’ve been quite used to the experience of going hours, and even days, without shuteye. But people started lining up just after midnight to hear that limp-dicked fathead give his final CPAC speech as Asshole-In-Chief. It would have been easy enough to just throw back a final martini and hit the sheets, leave him to history and Captain Ed. Fuck him and his stupid self-flattering speechifying. But no: you don’t go to Rome and not see the Colosseum. You don’t come this far and then puss out. Besides, who knows what that bastard would do without me keeping an eye on him? They hired me to keep him honest, and while I’ll admit to not having done much of a job so far, being busy with my comic book collection and my heavy metal records, there’s no better time than right now to pick up the slack. I (information redacted to protect the aesthetic sensitivities of certain readers) and head back down to the catacombs of the Regency Ballroom, where human decency goes to die.
It’s a long, long wait. If I hadn’t (information redacted to preserve the well-known and much-beloved Sadly, No! house style), I’d probably be bored off of my spinal column. I’m surrounded by some of the most uptight, entitled white people in the world, and every time I try to strike up a conversation with someone, I have to lead off with my job as a lobbyist for the American Milk Solids Council, and then no one wants to talk to me anymore. Stuck-up Beltway shits! No concern for the working dairy conglomerate and its desire to ship low-cost, institutional-grade cheese powders to Southeast Asia without a lot of meddlesome bureaucratic interference. That’s compassionate conservatism for you. Also, by now, after approximately zero hours of sleep in the last fifty hours, my hair (which I have had neither the time nor the opportunity to have cut) is starting to look pretty raggedy. I decide that if anyone asks, I will claim that I am following the example of baseball teams in the playoffs: I will not cut my hair until the election, and if America does not have the good sense to elect a Republican, I will spend the subsequent four years growing white-guy dreadlocks.
Even at the late hour, security is sickening. Perhaps not surprisingly for a man whose support rating is hovering around 25%, the President is absolutely petrified at the prospect of buying the Big Ticket, even now when he’s surrounded by legions of the only people in the free world who think he’s still doing a bang-up job. But then again, Bush has always been a chickenshit: back in 2000, when Al Gore was running for the presidency, he acted as Grand Marshal of the Chicago St. Patrick’s Day parade. He was nervous – and why not? The streets were lined with drunks, criminals, psychos and disenfranchised Republicans. But he walked it all the way, gladhanding with ruffians like myself who were, after all, going to put him in the White House. When Bush acted as Grand Marshal of the same parade a few years later, having somehow achieved the office of the Presidency through nefarious means, he spent the whole route waving irritably from the back of an armored SUV.
Finally, at around 7:20 AM – after five hours of being patted down by earpieced hulks, surfing YouPorn, and trying to get a card game up with some of the sad sacks from the ACLU who have been forced to work this gig – Mr. President Man finally took the stage. In person, he looks a little haggard and tired: no legacy to speak of, no friends overseas (whither Pooty-Poot? a nation turns its starving eyes to you), and another fucking boatload of corpses to go and frown at later today. He won’t last as long as his old man once he’s out of office: with no one to stand in the way of, with no one to infuriate, with no press hanging over his shoulder for him to mutter “fuck off” at, he’ll wither away and disappear, just another burnout boomer with prostate cancer and no hobbies. The chant begins before he even hits the walkway: “FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MORE YEARS!” I look around for a copy of the Constitution, but no one seems to have brought one.
He starts out a little bleary – I can dig it, man – but on an oddly touching human moment, talking about his daughter’s upcoming marriage. But just in case we might get the mistaken impression that he has a functioning human brain that works in a normal fashion, he goes on to say that “Dick Cheney is the greatest vice-president in the history of the United States”. Then again, maybe he’s got some chip implanted in his incisor that makes him say that whenever Cheney’s name gets mentioned, like when someone asked Frank Sinatra about Raymond Shaw. His administration “didn’t seek the approval of editorialists” before deciding what to do – take that, Matt Taibbi! – and “we darned sure didn’t seen permission from groups like Code Pink and MoveOn before taking action”. Take that, mothers of dead soldiers! But what’s with this ‘darned’ shit? Even Cheney said ‘damn’. Act like he’s afraid to say the motherfuckin’ F-word.
“Since I took office,” says the former cocaine addict, “the overall use of drugs by young people has dropped off by 24%.” Hey, he brought it up, not me. This gets a lot more applause than his next bit, where he spiels about fiscal discipline and everyone wonders who the fuck he thinks he’s talking to. Next, though, is the hottest little button of all, when he says that “human life is precious, and deserves to be protected”, as long as we aren’t talking about the life of towelheads or criminals or people who are dumb enough to live in a place that flood occasionally. The war spiel comes next, because even this dumb bastard knows that no one’s going to offer up any catcalls about the jackass war. “Afghanistan will never again be a safe haven for terrorists who wish to do us harm,” he claims, using a strange interpretation of “never again” which apparently means “at some point in the future”, since the last I heard the heirs to the Taliban were pretty much running roughshod over the joint. He offers up a little bit that’s calculated to make my blood pressure shoot up to Throbsville: he intends to sign an executive order that will force the President to explain wasteful and unaccountable spending. How fortunate that this doesn’t apply to him, and the vast financial sinkhole that Iraq has become. No fear, though: “When the history of this period is written,” says Mr. I Can Has Legacy?, “it will show that we were right.”
As of today, says the worst president in American history, “25 million Iraqis are free”. A million more are beyond freedom, knowing what the dead know. At the final moment, he does what we all knew he would do: he gives John McCain the most tepid, most damaging endorsement imaginable, saying only that he hopes the crowd will support the Republican nominee for President. I’m tired and sick and burned, and I need to eat and I need to get away from all the choking self-satisfaction in the room. The whole place rises as one, roaring and chanting, calling for a repeal to the Constitution so this luckless bastard, so desperate to get the hell out of a job he never wanted to begin with and only took out of spite; and Bush stands there, holding a dripping knife – the only tool he’s ever used – just another misbegotten Mark Antony, waiting for the cheers of the crowd to die…
A lovely argument, this: History will say that I am right.
Why? Well, that’s for future history books; think none of it now.
Lovely, as in I want to claw my eyes out upon hearing it.
I simply cannot imagine not choking the life out of half of those smug, self-centered SOB’s you had to spend time with MLP. You are a pillar of strength.
I bow before you, sir.
I’m still hoping I’ll wake up to discover that the last seven years were just a nightmare induced by consuming a large garlic-and-angel-dust pizza too close to bedtime.
“When the history of this period is written,” says Mr. I Can Has Legacy?, “it will show that we were right.”
You Can Has Legacy, fucktard. Like everything else in your God-Forsaken 7 plus years in office, even your last sentence at CPAC in which you stated that “we were right” was, of course, once again wrong.
I can’t even stand to hear his voice on the radio when I’m alone in the car, or in the living room with acid commentary from one of the other Bush-haters in the household. I can’t imagine listening to it while surrounded by people who applaud him.
I hope your redacted activities gave you enough soul protection to prevent it from being burned to a crisp.
As of today, says the worst president in American history, “25 million Iraqis are free”.
Freedom™ means different things to different people. And for different people.
Rock on, Mister Pierce.
That’s what I anticipate, too. And I can’t see the wingnuts deifying him like they have Reagan – Bush’s shabbiness is just too flagrant. I expect they’ll just let him silently drop into the memory hole.
From insignificance he arose and to insignificance he shall return.
Great series. CPAC sounds every bit as frigging creepy as thought it would be.
No fear, though: “When the history of this period is written,” says Mr. I Can Has Legacy?, “it will show that we were right.”
I thought Iraq was a comma. Which one is it? Hopefully Derek, Sadly, No!’s Resident Manual of Style, will be along shortly to resolve this.
I can’t even stand to hear his voice on the radio when I’m alone in the car, or in the living room with acid commentary from one of the other Bush-haters in the household. I can’t imagine listening to it while surrounded by people who applaud him.
I can just barely tolerate reading his speeches. I haven’t been able to listen to him for years.
I’m not asking for much. No fancy hearings or expensive investigations. Just prosecute Bush for the crimes he’s already openly admitted. Okay? Please?
Shorter Bush — “Fuck the American people. At some indeterminate point in the future, a hack like Jonah Goldberg will write a book proving that “we” were right all along!”
You are too kind comparing him to Marc Anthony, who was vicious and unprincipled, but at the same time demonstrated courage and a muscular bravery that Shrub can only dream of
“When the history of this period is written,” says Mr. I Can Has Legacy?, “it will show that we were right.”
Maybe he has some secret plan to ensure that “history” is written by the corporate oligopolies he’s so successfully whored for his entire life and written exclusively by them until there is no more history. Which would then, of course, come much, much sooner.
Oh, fuck. Now I’ve given meself the willies again.
I can hz end of histrie?
-lolbush
G.W. Bush is not a fucker. He’s a cnut.
Freedom isn’t free, traitors!
Bush speeches are part of the cost of freedom!
Liberals. Hmf.
Jeez, after this installment I’m hoping there’s enough money in the Sadly, No! coffers for a week’s recovery in a sauna, sanitarium and/or monastic retreat.
Do they honestly think he would win? Boundless is their delusion.
Do they honestly think he would win? Boundless is their delusion.
He didn’t win in 2000, and yet here we are. We need some liberals on the Supreme Court. Damn it.
Legacy and legacy. What is legacy?
The little psychotic has his legacy. Fifty years from now we’ll still be trying to recover from his legacy.
He said the same thing in the mid-90s, when he owned the Houston Astros and was the only team owner to vote down the wildcard rule for MLB.
Bush has absolutely no legacy to speak of… nothing he did has ever worked or had a somewhat positive impact on the US. People still think of Nixon in a negative light, and the very least that Nixon did was found the EPA.
Damn, Peaches.
That was some pretty.
That’s what I anticipate, too. And I can’t see the wingnuts deifying him like they have Reagan – Bush’s shabbiness is just too flagrant. I expect they’ll just let him silently drop into the memory hole.
It’s already happened. With the leader of their party sitting in the White House, every single contender for the GOP nomination over the course of the entire primary season relentlessly slurped the corpse of a dead guy who left office 20 years go. Nary a mention of Dear Leader to be found, except in rare cases where he was referred to as “the President,” as though his name is too terrible to speak. And let’s not forget the constant calls for “change” and a “return to conservative principles.”
Chimpy’s already been thrown under the bus, which is why he gave such an intentionally lame “endorsement” of “the Republican nominee.” Nice symmetry, I guess, given that none of the candidates would say his name either.
Fact is, as far as this group is concerned, the strikes against the established Taliban in Afghanistan will be a success even if second-generation descendants double or even triple the population, and do so every subsequent generation thereof. A Taliban one billion strong – providing that all the ones with the direct-from-the-US CIA training, who experienced the handshake deals and dinner meetings with official US government representatives, and who received the quiet and plausibly deniable endorsement of the good ol’ Commie-kickin’ US of A have done us the one small neighborly favor of ending up dead on the tip of a sidewinder missile some years back – is no damn sweat to these folks.
Bush is the son of spook, his handlers run with a spook crew, and you can bet they’ll consider any war which bleaches their fingerprints right off that miserably effed-up region to be a successful war …
He won’t last as long as his old man once he’s out of office: with no one to stand in the way of, with no one to infuriate, with no press hanging over his shoulder for him to mutter “fuck off” at, he’ll wither away and disappear, just another burnout boomer with prostate cancer and no hobbies.
Does alcoholism count as a hobby?
Granted, I don’t think it’ll help his longevity.
McCain sucked up to the shrub, Jake H.
And he rolled over on torture for preznit AWOL, in spite of having been smeared in S.C. by the bushlicans over his adopted child.
Well, yeah. See, the problem with “history will prove me right!” is that the bastions of wingnuttery spend about 20% of their time completely rewriting it- from the Crusades to WWII, from Lincoln to FDR to Reagan, from fascism to the KKK, from the Founding Fathers to Jesus…it’s all sliced, diced, rearranged Chicken McNugget style, and served up with a side of absolute BS to the indiscriminate reader. So yeah, history might and probably will prove that the Iraq war was a strategic disaster and George W. was a patently lousy president, but that won’t stop Jonah Goldberg Jr. from slobbering all over it nonetheless.
So, Shorter D.N. Nation:
“Bush’s argument is that HIS SUPPORTERS will prove him right. Which is totes bogus, man.”
Mr. Pierce, you have outdone yourself.
he consigns the consequences of his actions to the status of dreams.
I’m gonna have to pick up the MLP lifestyle again if I’m going to be forced to endure another 346 days of breathless narrative about every one of GW’s last whatevers. I can only hope that a relentless wave of harsh criticism will crash over his vain attempts to construct a fantastical version of the last 7 years, and that every time GW makes a speech MLP’s phrase will be included in the reviews.
The problem with electing young presidents is that they become young ex-presidents. While this may be a good thing for those convicted to serving time doing hard labor for war crimes, I fear that GW will become some vague media has-been. He’ll become That One Guy From That Show.
Do they still have prisoners making gravel at Leavenworth?
McCain sucked up to the shrub, Jake H.
And he rolled over on torture for preznit AWOL, in spite of having been smeared in S.C. by the bushlicans over his adopted child.
We’ve all seen the picture, but someone who just crawled out of a hole and watched TV coverage of the Republican primary would think Reagan was the Republican president in office. Not only has no one talked about carrying on Bush’s legacy or traditions, they’ve essentially said they need to clean up after him.
That was a great posting, Mr. Pierce. I want to put the whole thing on a bumper sticker.
Adding, I’m just talking about statements here, not policy. Of course every one of these idiots dreams of nothing but a continuation of the cronyism, corruption, greed, arrogance, aggression, cruelty, etc. that marked Chimpy’s reign. It’s just the dope himself they’re trying to distance themselves from.
By the way, Pinko Punko…Delicious or Disgusting?
What’s with this redacted shit, Leo?
Where do you think this is, Firedoglake?
Say, anyone besides me notice that Chris St. BoogerSaul never came back after he said he was going to look for Mr. Pierce in the bar?
Stop gazing at me. You’ll regret it.
t4toby: “What’s with this redacted shit, Leo?”
The comments to the prior Chapters reveal all. Takes awhile to get through them, but well worth the effort.
“When the history of this period is written,” says Mr. I Can Has Legacy?, “it will show that we were right.”
Right about what?
I know I’d need some ssstrong opiates to attend that conference, let alone watch B&C speechify. Well Done Indeed!
PS: If the spam-catcher codes get any more complicated, we’re going to loose our precious trolls!
I want to put the whole thing on a bumper sticker.
and then I want to go park my truck on a neocon.
the whole series is astounding. Bravo, sir.
George W. Bush, when you get right down to it, is a fucker
Yep. The God’s honest truth. More like this.
I’m surprised that several convention-goers, upon seeing King Bush the Great, didn’t stop what they were doing and (information redacted to protect the aesthetic sensitivities of certain readers).
I wish this was lighter on the self-centered commentary and Leonard would muster the courage to do more than ask for an autograph and then walk away giddily, or passively watch a speech. There’s potential for real LOL’s here, but I’ll stop mentioning that now, as requested.
…hopefully Max Blumenthal is there, so the opportunity isn’t lost. There’s always next year.
I agree with ShrubBuster. History will prove them Right. 110% Right. Which we all know means wrong about everything.
Oh, Derek. You make me cry real tears. What can I do to satisfy you, who have been a loyal reader all these years? I am making it the focus of my remaining years to please you and only you.
I have already stopped with the drug talk but I see it is not enough. I shall also endeavor to watch speeches actively rather than passively, although I am not an educated man and any advice from you as to how this might be accomplished would be greatly appreciated. Maybe you’d like for me to angrily confront some of the right-wing bloggers or speakers, thus getting myself thrown out or at least assuring that no one will ever talk to me again? That sounds productive.
I can see how you prefer Max Blumenthal possibly being here and not writing about it to me actually being here and writing about it, but there’s not much I can do about that, so instead I ask: how can I provide you with the “real LOLs” or “lulz” that you have so often noted as being absent from my posts? I notice that you ripped off one of my jokes yesterday, so you must like some of them; how about I do more like that?
Remember, Derek, I am here for you, and only for you. Don’t listen to all the people who like this series, and who are apparently telling you not to post anymore. I can only assume that you, like many of the other posters here, actually contributed to my trip here, so you have certainly earned the right to vaguely complain every time I post something. PLEASE, Derek. PLEASE. HELP ME BE MORE FUNNY FOR YOU.
Jesus Derek, get lost. Go away. Die.
“Four more years” is not the cry of people unfamiliar with the Constitutional. No, it was people familiar with the federal sentencing guidelines.
Bashin’ Bush is so Last Year
Dr BLT
copyright 2008 Right-wing Records
http://www.drblt.net/music/BushBashDemo.mp3
Derek is like any critic who incessantly whines, regardless of what is being criticized, that “I could do it better” but actually is unwilling and unable to actually, you know, DO IT.
It’s easy to criticize from back here in the cheap seats, but MLP is the one who is actually writing.
And if you can do better, there’s a whole wide internet out there. These things called Blogs are supposedly even FREE. Look into them.
@Leonard: zing! Very nice, both the original material and the longing posts to Our Hero Derek.
yawn. Blog n Roll is so last year
Mr. Leonard Pierce, if you’re ever in Athens, look me up and we’ll get baked. I mean, real gone stoned, and goddamn anyone who gets sniffy at us. Figure it’s the least I can do and I know a guy who’s always got some good stuff.
Hey Blue Buddha, Shrub was part owner of the Texas Rangers. Check the roster during those years and think of steriods and bad trades. They did get a nice new ball park though…
Hi–Long time listener, first time caller.
Leonard Pierce–you are my motherfucking hero.
Seriously.
“yawn. Blog n Roll is so last year”
The Knack is so several decades ago.
Introducing
My Sharona
by Polysics
I am making it the focus of my remaining years to please you and only you.
Oh, sure, go ahead and devote yourself to pleasing your detractors. Just like a liberal!
Seriously, Mr. Pierce, you are advancing the cause of Freedom. The world will little note nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what you have done here. The left blogosphere thanks you for all the sacrifices and hardships you have endured at the soul-sucking wankfest that is CPAC.
I continue to admire and be amazed. Awesome
You say this up top:
(information redacted to protect the aesthetic sensitivities of certain readers)
But you give it away in the last paragraph:
choking self-satisfaction in the room
Excellent coverage. T-Rex linked to this and I’m hooked. Keep it coming.
I have already stopped with the drug talk
That’s okay. You can put it back in, and more, when the article and/or book comes out. Vive le drugs!
Oh, and if some would-be Steadman wants to step in, some acid-tinged drawings of Horowitz as Wile E. Coyote and MLP as the Road Runner might work.
[…] gone all Maxwell Smart and infiltrated the ongoing CPAC convention, and he’s issuing numerous reports. (More than those links, just keep scrolling down.) Thus far, this is the most stomach-turning: […]
Jesus Derek, just stop reading and stfu.
Derek just wants LOLcons. That’s all.
so clearing brush and torturing small animals and masturbating to CIA snuff flicks don’t qualify as hobbies?
Yeah, too much garlic is never good before bedtime.
Leonard, thanks for your quick response. As requested, I quickly skipped all posts below yours, which I assume to be hostile. You do have some good jokes in there. The main problem is them being diluted by the self-righteous, self-centered screeds filling the rest of the passage, as I’ve already described. If you wait a year to read these back to yourself, I think you’ll see exactly what I mean. Anyways, you’re still doing a great thing, even if I’m not happy with the end result. If you’re ever in North Carolina, drop me a line and I’ll buy you a beer. I stopped doing drugs since my probation officer started testing me though.
Lastly. I hestitate to mention this, but as a sign of goodwill: Leonard, I trust that you have the ability to figure out who I am, and you can easily find at least some of my published writing. If you do though, I ask you to please refrain from publicly ridiculing me about it. I really want to remain anonymous.
Of course you’re free to ridicule me for anything I write in these comments, and in private or in an email to me you’re more than welcome to ridicule me there. But please don’t out me. Thanks! Kindest regards.
Leonard, I trust that you have the ability to figure out who I am, and you can easily find at least some of my published writing. If you do though, I ask you to please refrain from publicly ridiculing me about it. I really want to remain anonymous.
If you’re seriously concerned about this, then you’re not as familiar with Sadly, No!’s established style, tone, and aesthetic as you claim.
I hate to mention this, but as a sign of illwill; get stuffed you presumptuous twat. What an assbiter you are.
Ha ha, YOU MEAN LIKE EXACTLY WHAT YOU JUST DID TO ME? Finding something you wrote online and then mocking you about how bad it sucks? Don’t worry, I would never do a thing like that, son, it ain’t gentlemanly. But I’ll say this for you, man: I know who you are, and you got stones the size of coconuts to pull this kind of bullshit. Enjoy the show, man, and hope to your life that you never run into anyone less polite than I am.
Leonard, yeah, I do a lot of stupid stuff (obviously). But well — ridiculing someone under a false name (are you using a real name? I have no idea) and ridiculing someone with ramifications for real life are obviously different. I’d never do anything that may actually hurt you, aside from feelings and all. Don’t have a thin skin.
Don’t have a thin skin.
Oh god that’s funny. Six year olds have a saying for this-you can dish it out but you can’t take it.
Drek.
Fuck! You could not be a bigger wussy, shit head! You, Sir Derek, are a coward.
You know, I don’t think I’ve seen a blog commenter as vain, irritating and stupid as Derek since we lost Lee Siegel.
This is a great series, MLP. Thank you!
Mister Leonard Pierce – I haven’t been this entertained in a long time. Thanks.
You know, I don’t think I’ve seen a blog commenter as vain, irritating and stupid as Derek since we lost Lee Siegel
BLT is as vain as Derek. I’d bet money that they’re the same hand.
[…] Part 8. […]
You know, I don’t think I’ve seen a blog commenter as vain, irritating and stupid as Derek since we lost Lee Siegel.
I’m taking that as a challenge.
Yay! Rah! Rah! Go! Smut! Go!
I’m taking that as a challenge.
O noes!!1! Teh Smutmeister haz fownd me!!
Hee. You know you always make me laugh, Clyde.
This is the fucking bomb.
You are a myrmidon, Mr. Pierce.
Have I met you in Chicago?
Anyhow, hope you can survive the rest of it.
I summon Terpsibore, the muse of humourless pedantry…
A gathering of pedants, here tonight? I’m in!
MLP, I’m lovin’ the posts, including the drug references. To Drek and W, I say, “Burp.”
BLT: Introducing: ‘My Sharona’ by Polysics
Yea, super incredible cutting edge stuff if you ignore the Devo and Talking Heads references. No one has EVER combined all those old cliche’s in quite that manner before. If I ever see them I’ll have to muster up the courage to ask them for an autograph.
What Michael Berube said. Seriously, Leonard, I hope you can manage at least a spa visit or something after this, to steam the stink of these “people” out of your pores.
Can I help you?
People still think of Nixon in a negative light, and the very least that Nixon did was found the EPA.
And opened relations with China. Let’s not forget that one.
Bush won’t even make for a good character to make impressions of in an animated prime-time program about the future.
Also, BLT, stay away from Polysics, assbag. I like that band, and I’m not letting you taint it with your stupidity.
People still think of Nixon in a negative light, and the very least that Nixon did was found the EPA.
*sigh* I miss him.
Whoa, did I say that out loud?
I’m so glad I donated, and am a patron to this literary lodestone.
He’s nowhere near as smart as Mark Antony. Or J-Lo’s husband, eiher. But that first paragraph is a gem.
[…] if Bush takes the stage at the Republican National Convention and the crowd starts chanting, “FOUR MORE YEARS!” like they did at CPAC earlier this year? Would that pretty much be game, set, match for […]