The Beast is Red, Chapter 7 (Interlude): Holding A Shard of Mirror Up To Nature’s Throat
I have learned so much at CPAC already, I feel as if I am a new person. Like my namesake in Full Metal Jacket, I am born again hard. I know now that there is no excuse, ever, for not cutting taxes. I know that the easiest way to depress a Republican is to take his Mitt away, but I also know that a lot of liberals are soiling themselves with glee at this allegedly fatal divisiveness in the Big Tent, just as if every last stinking one of these banditos isn’t going to line up and press (R) come Election Day.
I know that Mark Noonan is very short and wears loud mist-green shirts. I know that eleven bucks is too much for a martini, even if it is a very good martini. I know that there is nothing funny about taking drugs, and that I must start listening to Green Day so I can stop listening to Green Day. I know that Kathryn Jean Lopez is inconsolable, and now that I think of it, I know that “Kathryn Jean Lopez is Inconsolable” is a pretty good title for a moody short story. (Or perhaps even a Moody short story.)
I know that Mitt Romney doesn’t like to lose, which is pretty funny considering that he’s a big fat loser. I know that David Horowitz is all over me like a cheap suit, and that a cheap suit is all over him like David Horowitz. I know that you can’t go swimming in a baseball pool. I know that according to WorldNet Daily head nincompoop in charge Joseph Farah, one of the biggest problems facing America today is witches. (No, really.) I have learned that 14-year-old pundit Kyle Williams is probably going to be savagely beaten many times when he reaches the age of majority.
I have learned that if you want to write a serious and important book, it should begin with the word ‘Yo’. (Let us no one forget that the original title of Jean-Paul Sartre’s masterwork was Yo! Being and Nothingness, Or What?.) I have learned that the words “American Milk Solids Council” are a magic key into the mind of man: every time I am speaking to someone and I utter those words, a little light goes out in their eyes and I can ask them anything I want. And I have learned that Iranians are super-scary and can shoot atomic bombs out of their eyeballs.
But mostly I have learned that a picture is worth a thousand words (or, adjusted against current exchange rates, 690 Euro-words or 1,008 Canadian words or “wordies”.) Let’s take a look, shall we?
Dick Cheney: When I lower my hand, one of you will die.
Dick Cheney: Big Brother addresses the Junior Anti-Sex League.
Dick Cheney: See you in Hell, suckers!
Bill Bennett: Five large on 27 black, cowboy. And I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough.
Michelle Malkin and Bryan Preston: they eat your flesh, they drink your blood.
Cap’n Ed: Why won’t anyone sit next to me? Do I smell? Okay, well, besides that, why not?
Niger Innis: In an image that will enrage Brian McLaughlin, CORE draws a huge crowd.
The Women of CPAC: Every one of them was required to have this exact same haircut.
Pamela Oshry: Am I pretty? Make it look like I’m working!
Elaine Chao: In the Bush tradition of a UN rep who hates the UN, a Labor Secretary who hates labor.
The Regency Ballroom: LOOK AT ALL OF OUR FLAGS! TOP THAT, MOTHERFUCKER, YOU CAN’T!
Kathryn Jean Lopez: “And I begged and begged but he still said he was going to quit the race! Hey, has anyone got a sandwich?”
Mary Katherine Ham: All these jokes about John Edwards’ hair and nowhere to go.
At the Washington Times booth: the true spirit of CPAC.
Bob Novak: Do you have something you’d like to share with the rest of the class?
Mark Steyn: “And demographic research reveals that the most dangerous place in America is between me and a camera.”
Town Hall: The World’s Shittiest Website is now a magazine!
Richard Viguerie: There is literally nothing this man cannot ruin.
Ben Shapiro: It’s your world! Blog it! Podcast it! Change it! Do not have sex with it!
Maybe someone would sit next to Cap’n Ed if he’d button up his freakin’ shirt.
[shudder]
I know that “Kathryn Jean Lopez is Inconsolable” is a pretty good title for a moody short story.
Rap song, Mr. Pierce!
Hanx for the photos, and rock on.
Heh. Indoodie.
Tee hee! Indeed!
I know that Mark Noonan is very short and wears loud mist-green shirts.
Did you touch his eyebrows? Were they moving independently?
HAHAHAHAHAHAH! INDEED, BAY-BEE!!!!!!!!
Heh. Ind…’oh!
Sing to me Muse! What’s that? Heh! Indeed!
All those cold, soulless eyes. Brrrrr . . . I need to put on another sweater just looking at them. Thanks for the photo essay, but now I’m going to have nightmares.
Ugh. Man. Indeed.
Heh. In…bleaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh
Heh. Heh. Heh! Heh! HEH! HEH! HEHHHHH! HEHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Ahh.
Indeed.
Bob Novak: Do you have something you’d like to share with the rest of the class?
I gots a picture, too!
Heh. Indeeeeeeeeeeeeed, man.
What’s with all the Starbuck’s drinking going on there?
Is that Glen Reynolds talking to K-Lo? And what’s his hand doing in his pocket?
Virgin!Ben reminds me of Ted Bundy.
Gellar appears to have a 5:00 shadow.
Bryan Preston looks high. (He also liked Serenity). He must be a RINO.
Bill Bennett, the man who will lecture you on discipline while obsessively eating and gambling.
May I?
hee hee, snort, bwahaha-stifle, oh fuck it, hahahahahahahahahaha …KJ-Lo don’t miss her sammiches at all.
I found this photo of ol’ Lopie …
http://www.dogbitelaw.com/graphics/Crying-woman-small.jpg
Wow. I mean . . . wow. So many thoughts pop into my head as I look at those pictures, so many conflicting impulses all whooshing about – simultaneous desires to close the window, laugh, puke, hop a plane and fly there myself. perhaps even an urge to poke out my eyes.
But the question which takes a wide stance at the forefront of my thoughts is:
WTF is Cap’n Ed drinking? It looks like sloe gin with a coffee chaser. Dear God, have the wingnuts no decency?
As for Teh Capn’s lonesomeness – he should hook up with K-Lo.
Goddam, those assclowns are weak.
Two NVA sappers on a weekend Rice Wine bender could clear that banquet room and still be looking around for the defensive perimeter.
Christ. This is what stands between our society and ruin?
Shiiiiiit…..
mikey
To be fair, I believe that Jake and Elwood would cut taxes and then take favours from the defense industry in exchange for Latin American hookers. And go to jail for it.
If you do go swimming in that baseball pool, mr lp, be sure to take the milk solids out of your pocket first.
Better K Lo caption: All your sammiches are belong to us.
is it just me or does Cap’n Ed look more like a decidedly lunchy pr0n producer than a conservative pundit? And where is Big Brain Brian’s other hand?
You’re a brave man, Mister Pierce.
And who the fuck is the “Sam Adams Alliance”?
Are they drinking beer before noon?
I’m guessing from the first photo that the ventriloquist forgot President Mortimer Snerd was absent for the day.
Pam actually looks pretty good and non-crazy. Kudos, Pam, take care of yourself- perhaps the decays is like a cavity, on the inside.
Why does Bryan Preston always have dark circles around his eyes? It’s like he was up all night trying to give Malkin a Dirty Sanchez and she wouldn’t let him do it because it “sounds too Mexican.”
Bryan Preston looks high.
And increasingly chunky.
God, do you think there’s any way those two are fucking? An explosive, marriage-destroying scandal might be the only thing that would make those two people interesting.
“On Super Tuesday, I called a number of knowledgeable Republicans, Democrats and neutral observers to check their appraisals of McCain as a general-election candidate. I found him consolidating support in his own party and being treated with great respect by Democrats.”
On Mardi Gras, I called a number of people. These knowledgeable Americans guessed that Dave Broder wants to have Saint John McCain’s illegitimate baby.
Out of wedlock, they added.
~
Wow, if they were wrapped in the flag any tighter, they’d asphyxiate.
Excellent work, MLP.
If Rush makes an appearance, you might want to drop a few OxyContin in his pocket.
Oopsies. The WaPo does not have preview comment, so I was using S!N’s.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© Incorporated regrets the error.
Since livers are intrinsically fascist, maybe you can hook some of those fuckers up with a few bottles of Maximum Strength Tylenol and some high-proof grain alcohol.
Is attending the conference is like roller-skating in a buffalo herd? Where is the photo of the Depends booth? I hear their booth-babe is awesome!
“I have learned that 14-year-old pundit Kyle Williams ”
Hey, leave the kid alone. You know he went off the reservation and got uninvited at WND years ago? He had his own blog for awhile where recanted on much of the insanity, but people hounded him until it disappeared.
Somebody should make a movie about that kid.
Did you bump into Gary or Saul by chance?
Why does Bryan Preston look like he’s wearing a sleeping bag under his clothes?
Nice Congress of Racial Equality booth. Very informative just the way it is. I’ll bet the ‘Let’s Read The Constitution’ booth looked about the same.
I am proud to be one of the biggest problems facing Joseph Farah today. I gotta call the coven and tell ’em the ol’ pins-in-the-poppet bit is working just fine.
Ahh. Yep. Fourteen. I thought that the world was the way it appeared to be when I was fourteen.
I went to the beach. I drank booze, I did drugs, I surfed. I was fourteen.
Then, through no fault of my own, I was sixteen. I had decisions to make. There was a war, and there was college, and there was me.
I needed to run to canada, but I didn’t know how to initiate that action. So I chose Cavalry. Air crew, right? Fuck you, boy. We need bodies. Go in, and get some.
It’s a fucked up rigged game, and anybody that thinks they can play is just getting played. You’re going to learn about dead people, dead animals, dead futures, dead hopes, dead death having dead shit.
You can kill it. They’ll like you if you kill it. You can not kill it. Your shit is NOT strack. Fucker. Get rounds on target.
Kill it. Burn it. Drink it. Play along, do your deal, kill the people who are the wrong color, and keep putting rounds downrange.
Know what? Fuck you..
mikey
No Whey!
Dairy products gone bad!
Well I checked out your Corsi Atomic Iran link. The cover looks like a picture of a guy in full Muslim lady headgear. Which is probably integral to the John Kerry connection as they bribed him with Islamohomofascistmexialodocious sexual things.
Remember, in the men’s room, the tap-code is “one if by land, two if by sea”, if you take my meaning.
Also, watch out for that sleazy fucker Horowitz … it takes a fraud to know a fraud.
What better way to relaunch the conservative movement than with a reference to a movie that was released in 1980?
A Blues Brothers poster, in 2008, that isn’t advertising Legends in Concert at Harrah’s. I’m really hung up on that – they went to some Kinkos to make that damn poster and they thought it was so fresh that they brought it with them across the country and put it center stage in their convention booth, showcasing it as their most dynamic image. My God – have none of these capitalists ever worked in sales?
I realize you may have captioned the poster board as “Richard Viguerie”, but in case anyone mistakes the mild old guy pictured for Richard Viguerie, he most assuredly is not!
Richard Viguerie is short and bald and wirey, with a boulder-like head, and can kick this whole site’s ass!
The Women of CPAC: Every one of them was required to have this exact same haircut.
Call them conk-cons.
Check it out, Derek. Pictures. Lots of them! Happy now?
I’ve actually been thinking that since the beginning of Hot Air. The signs are all there, I says.
You know, the Blues Brothers aren’t such outlandish ambassadors for conservatism if you think of America as the Dixie Square Mall in Chicago.
Just so there’s no confusion, that’s conk in this sense:
From Pierce’s Chapter 3.
Blues Brothers: One of them is dead and the other got fat! That’s a conservative for you.
Leonard, before your one-on-one encounters I never quite believed any of these wingnut celebrities (in their own minds) actually existed. The photos are most amusing, a real gift! Keep snappin’.
Virgin!Ben reminds me of Ted Bundy.
or a composite of all the guys in the band Fountains of Wayne.
Except they’re probably not virgins any more. Big difference.
The Blues Brothers? No! No! No! The conservative kulturkampf will not claim a bad yet hilarious and blues-infused movie with Dan Akroyd and John Belushi without going through my dead body first!
Blues Brothers? Fucking BLUES BROTHERS?! Jesus. Wow. Okay, you know? Whatever. Just because that movie is about delinquent failures who drink heavily, enjoy recreational drugs and womanizing, that doesn’t mean it’s not a good catch phrase. Besides, the poster mentions God!
that guy standing next to Malkin looks like he’s about to collapse into a slithering mass on the floor, like some evil boneless jello creature out of the X-files.
WTF is the deal with the Nixon head? That’s just scary. If these people dislike McCain, they would’ve hated Nixon.
His only redeeming feature for the CPACers must be his ratfucking and paranoia. Right up their alley.
I don’t know why but the way those flags are draped they remind me of KKK head gear. Maybe it’s the company they’re keeping.
I feel dirty just having looked at these pictures.
Pam actually looks pretty good and non-crazy. Kudos, Pam, take care of yourself- perhaps the decays is like a cavity, on the inside.
Um, no, she doesn’t. What I’m wondering is whether she used Scotch tape to pull her eyebrows back, or whether she went straight for the safety pins.
That’s a good candidate for an American version of the British expression “Coals to Newcastle.”
All that matters is that Derrick Brown tipped in a Drew Lavender miss in Saint Louis. I hate to beat Coach Majerus….but, thank you Jesus horses.
Sinfonian should know. He’s from America’s Wang™ (my birthplace, he typed proudly).
The Horror-witz! The Horror-witz!
The pictures are awesome. Thank you so much MLP ! Even if you get “popped” tomorrow, it will all have been worth it.
So when did “Joni Mitchell hair” become a conservative female identifier ?
K-Lo could be Mama Cass !
Also, who got Cap’n Ed to wear the puffy shirt ?
What’s with all the Starbuck’s drinking going on there?
It’s latte.
I hate conservative lattes (floors it)
Then you can have your whey with them!
“The tradition of moral internationalism — which reaches back to Roosevelt, Kennedy and Reagan — is more necessary than ever. And it is durable enough to survive some serious, early mistakes in Iraq. ”
One of these things is not like the other, Mr. Faux Christian Gerson.
P.S. The tradition of whoring for oil companies and raining death, pestilence, and despair on whomever is unfortunate enough to live in the path of the Rumsfeld/Cheney/Exxon/KBR complex?
FAIL.
Wave proudly, and take a bow.
Who Would Jesus Waterboard, Pious Michael?
~
Five words to send him running away: “Your gaydar is amazing, David.”
Blues Brothers references lost their impact twenty years ago. Fun movie, but…………………………………………………………..
Thanks for sharing.
I said, “Thanks for sharing”, bob.
Did they really take a Blues Brothers poster, scratch out and overwrite a word to make it their own?
Conservatives are certainly creative.
I just finished reading all the entries — great work. Looking forward to more pictures.
What’s the opposite of a latte liberal? A cappucino conservative?
whether she used Scotch tape to pull her eyebrows back, or whether she went straight for the safety pin
Neither. She’s had (botched) surgery. I caught the scar on her hairline in one of her fifty godzillion pictures of herself on her shitty site. Amazing she didn’t have one of her sycophants photoshop it out, but then she thinks she’s goahgeous so it was probably not a priority.
You’ve got to see the video of that cupid stunt introducing Steyn.
Kathryn Lopez is a miserable twat, almost as bad as Malkin.
when i read “kathryn jean lopez is inconsolable,” my mind automatically substituted “timothy mcsweeney.”
OMG, a photo of Malkin!
Doesn’t she tend to freak out when non-Bushites take her picture?
Twenty four flags?
What does that represent?
What cracks me up is the group “Young America‘s Foundation” implying it is the property of or related to “Young America”. Shouldn’t it be Young Americans Foundation or the Foundation of Young Americans?
Who is this “Young America?” Is it a person? Is it a personification or reincarnation of Franklin and Jefferson-era America? Wingnut grammar creeps me out.
What’s even creepier is this link on their website DEFENDING a supposed “liberal attack” on military recruiters and calling for help in allowing student to GET recruited. Save the fucking bandwidth and just sign up yourselves, YAFfers! Damn, already…
Oh and I forgot the creepy coda to the above: the YAF guy organizing the “defend the recruiters right to recruit” is literally named Flagg Youngblood.
(shivers)
Virgin Ben, I have your personalized action center right here …
Pammykins has to stop eating 10,000 bags of carrots a day.
the YAF guy organizing the “defend the recruiters right to recruit” is literally named Flagg Youngblood.
Didn’t he star in Run It Up the Pole III?
Bryan Preston has a spleen goiter or is trying to smuggle in a blue Hubbard squash.
Bill Bennett’s got that mischievous “pull my finger” look …
An improvement. Not sure why you mentioned that minor Sartre work. Scholars prefer his classic “Holla! Wuzzup with the Exit?”
Did they really take a Blues Brothers poster, scratch out and overwrite a word to make it their own?
Not exactly.
Man, seeing the well attended CORE table reminds me why one does NOT mention CORE in front of my older relatives and their friends. I grew up thinking Roy Innis was a cross between Satan and the Thing Under the Bed.
Spoiler Alert: If by chance you haven’t seen The Blues Brothers, that big bright light in the sky is The SUN and skip this part.
I cannot think of the movie without recalling of the scene where the two white supremacists know they’re about to die and one turns to the other and says “I’ve always loved you.”
I didn’t quite get it at the time (thought it was kind of sad) but mom laughed like a maniac if you ever heard my mom laugh, you’d have to laugh too.
Anyways, it is a perfect analogy for the Kurrent Konservative Korps.
And speaking of things that need to be dug out of the mothballs, I’m going to take a gallon of hot wax, two yards of waxing strips and some weed killer to help Bun Shapiro with those scalps above his eyes. Who’s with me?
Your attention please. Any similarity between Flagg Youngblood’s name and monikers adopted by porn stars is a complete and total coincidence. Who’s laughing? Are you laughing? Shame on you. It isn’t his fault his parents gave him a name that makes your filthy mind think Young Flagpole. Stop it. Stop it this instant!
But speaking of recruiters recruiting, I note there seem to be more than a few semi-able bodied folks of the right age group in the crowd. I wonder why they haven’t supported their local recruiter by signing up. Could it be they’re big cowardly hypocrites?
Nah. They just have other priorities.
I don’t think there’s anything funny about that name.
Neither do I.
Nor do I.
Mark Steyn: “And demographic research reveals that the most dangerous place in America is between me and a camera.”
Wasn’t that Bob Dole’s line about Chuck Schumer?
I kinda miss Bob.
Batterload, your name is ridiculous.
I can’t help it — every time I see a picture of K-Lo, that old Steve Martin routine plays out in my head. The one with the final line:
“… and when we walk into the room, every head will turn … except for hers. Because she has no neck!”
If I believed in hell, that one might just get me a ticket in.
Man, I’m glad I didn’t read this last night before bed. At least I got a good nights sleep before those pictures up there ruined my breakfast.
Oh, well, I could stand to lose a couple pounds.
That’s what I’m wondering. Also, Pam is either a small woman or those Starbucks cups are half gallon sized.
Oh c’mon, Choad… Batterload is a fine family of philanthropists. You never heard of the Batterload Foundation?
BEST BLOG EVER!
I followed the link to WorldNet Daily and found this juxtaposition of befuddlement:
I think it explains itself.
And this was the funniest and bestest post on the intertubes ever!
Malkin and Preston’s body language pretty much answers the question about their “closeness”,IMO.
I thought Jesse was some sort of conservative super policy wonk brainiac. Why is it we’ve never seen any pics of him after college? There’s nothing recent that I can find,unless I’ve missed something.
I’ve travelled around the internets and I can’t find much about him at all really. That’s sort of odd,you’d think if he had actual conservative cred he’d at least have something recent attached to his name.
I have a theory,purely speculation,call it woman’s intuition if you want to:
Jesse is very sick emotionally/mentally or physically and the burden of his care is on Michelle(which would explain alot about her overall psychology,in addition to her being a conservative nitwit). Or he left her and the kids awhile ago and she’s trying to keep up the facade to save face.
I have been very busy the last couple of days, so I would appreciate all of you doing all this over again for my benefit.
K. Lo : Romney :: Mel : Flight of the Conchords
Some see photos from CPAC and ask, “Why”?
Others see photos from CPAC and ask, “Why not Photoshop?”
Cool shirt, Cap’n Ed.
Can you talk like a pirate too?
Best bloggy series EVAH.
Pam is definitely a FILF
Pam actually looks pretty good and non-crazy. Kudos, Pam, take care of yourself- perhaps the decays is like a cavity, on the inside.
You haven’t seen the portrait she keeps in the attic room…
And weren’t the Blues Brothers thieving con-men who felt the end they wanted justified any means because God wanted it, too? And didn’t they end up in prison?
your a very brave man Leonard Pierce, cause those photos are incredibly scary
seems to me this CPAC is just an excuse for the bonkers right wing to push their shitty books
Incredible work. I look forward to many Photoshops.
My take on Michelle Malkin and Bryan Preston?
He adores her. He longs for the day she can be his. Her? She doesn’t know the fire that burns deep in his heart for her.
I see one pic that just SCREAMS for a sammiching…
It’s CPAC 08 haiku time!
Pleated khakis and
a venti latte — all the
hallmarks of a YAF.
Will this be an upcoming special on the Discovery Channel?
Why do so many Madly Nosers have such stupid names?
OK..who is that with Viguerie? Or not-Viguerie? Anyway, she’s kinda cute…
Great work.
A pictorial review of the death of conservatism, nice.
Just curious – they’ve had 7 years of their own in the White House, and 6 years of their own in Congress. And Conservatism is so dead it needs re-birth because….why?
Why do so many Madly Nosers have such stupid names?
Don’t pick on Derek.
?Because they are sore
whinerswinners.The sexual repression in that room must have been flammable. Good thing you didn’t light a match.
Jesse is very sick emotionally/mentally or physically and the burden of his care is on Michelle(which would explain alot about her overall psychology,in addition to her being a conservative nitwit). Or he left her and the kids awhile ago and she’s trying to keep up the facade to save face.
Gav reported something like that a few months ago. I discounted it as I would think it impossible to keep such a thing secret in this day and age.
There is indeed something odd about Preston’s pose: hips facing mostly forward, right shoulder twisted back to acknowledge and accommodate the Michelle’s presence in a strange manner – like he is a buddy at the shoulder level but ignoring her at the hips… There does seem to be some sort of denial going on there.
Why so many freakin’ flags? Were they afraid that one or two flags might get lonely?
The re-birth at the hands of Shapiro, Pam, Ham, Captain Disco Pirate, Clown Hall, Etc. should be entertaining – although I have no idea what’s left for them to fuck up – or why they want to blame God for it.
I have a theory,purely speculation,call it woman’s intuition if you want to
I’ve wondered the same thing. My speculation is that he’s chained up in the basement. And they have no safe word.
“g said,
February 8, 2008 at 17:20
Just curious – they’ve had 7 years of their own in the White House, and 6 years of their own in Congress. And Conservatism is so dead it needs re-birth because….why?”
I think you answered your own question in the first sentence.
But I don’t get it. All those conservative bloggers, and no cheetos in sight?
Are you sure this is not a framed setup?
As for criticizing people based on looks, I’d remind everyone that we are not exactly Brad Pitts ourselves either.
Then few questions for mister Pierce:
Is it possible to get them to fight, if you try asking who they think is the best conservative blogger among them(preferrably so there are many of them around). Pictures of the following “debate” would be good.
Also, use your pseudo identity and drop some fake tips. Since you trade in Africa,naturally a soldier of a small african counry told you how he saw with his own eyes Iraqi trucks driving away fully loaded from local Uranium mine, etc. See how long it takes for this stuff to start circulate in the blogs.
I counted two dozen (24) of them. Maybe there was a bulk discount at the local flag shop.
I’m going to be all looksist and sexist and thinking with my penis-ist here, but Pam is actually an attractive woman. If she was sane, hence on our side… you know what? I’m not even going to finish that sentence.
Oooo… I like that idea.
Also–great Milk Solids Council pic. Little Miss Muffet can be your spokeswoman. (I’m not sure if that site is work safe.)
Not cool, dude. Not cool.
I’d remind everyone that we are not exactly Brad Pitts ourselves either.
Speak for yourself!
If Rush Limbaugh is there, you need to slip a few Oxycontin FROM his pocketses….
Yeah, I was going to suggest bonding with Rush over prescription drugs to improve Mr. Pierce’s cover.
Also, use your pseudo identity and drop some fake tips. Since you trade in Africa,naturally a soldier of a small african counry told you how he saw with his own eyes Iraqi trucks driving away fully loaded from local Uranium mine, etc. See how long it takes for this stuff to start circulate in the blogs.
Rubs hands together in evil glee!
Why am I not surprised that is from a Halloween costume outlet?
I’d remind everyone that we are not exactly Brad Pitts ourselves either.
Oh… well, not exactly
FILF
Tom:
A “Fiend I’d Like to Fuck”?
Because before it is re-born it is a womb baby and so anyone who tries to impede its development is a islahomoboritionist and can be shot on sight!!
About those flags (not Flaggs), anyone want to bet they were made in China?
What was Truman Capote doing the….?…oh, sorry, that was Cap’n Ed.
My bad.
FILF?
I don’t know why, but that reminds me of a band that used to play around these parts in the early 90s. They sucked to the breadth and depth of suckitude, but they had one of the best band names evah: Filthy Wilma
/OT
WHY IS THAT WOMAN ORANGE, DAMMIT!?
Sorry, Arky, but I’ll disagree. This place has a pretty decent lock on American patriotic regalia.
On the other hand, it’s been know for years that the “American” Milk Solids Council is a front organization for the Chinese dairy industry.
This is some of the greatest, most sublime blogging I’ve ever read. Gonzo journalism at it’s finest, even if it is all a lark.
So many people try to capture the HST style and fail. This, however, made me feel like I was reading something out of the Great White Shark Hunt, but for our new and terrible millenium. You should win a goddamn Pulitzer or something.
Fake tan in a bottle, perhaps. It’s big in northern Jersey and Long Island.
It’s been a long, rocky road for the American Milk Solids Council. From their humble beginnings as a loose organization created to lobby for the milk by-products industry, they have grown to an organization with international influence. Along the way they have helped write laws protecting honest, patriotic, straight American cows and the men who serve them by serving them, preferably in sterile plastic packages. The scandals in the 1980s would have crushed any other organization, but the American Milk Council has risen above them to take their place in Dairy™ history.
Orange, bronze, cocoa…I’d still fuck the shit out of her.
Tim (the other one) said,
K-Lo could be Mama Cass !
Ummmmm …. no. Cass had a heart, a soul, talent, a firm command of the English language, and a sex life.
What really puts me over the edge is how the American Milk Solids Council is trying to cover this up:
The sphincter muscles of the yak’s teats are strong and hard squeezing is needed to extract milk. The teats are normally squeezed between the fingers. Especially among Alpine-type yak, some one third of the females are found to have particularly “tense” teats.
Tense teats sink ships!
Hmm. Needs more cowbell. How about:
Tense teats in topless bar!
American Milk Solids
Stay away from me,
American Milk Solids
Leonard, let me be
Don’t come curdling round my door
I don’t wanna see your byproducts no more
I got more important lobbyists to bilk
Than spend my time reconstitutin’ milk
American Milk Solids, I said stay a whey (geddit?)
American Milk Solids, listen what I say.
(Etc, etc for about three hundred verses.)
Behold Bryan Preston, auteur of the sublime “cheerleader” clip, cinematographer who crafted the legendary “Democrat potty-mouth” bit, guy who took 5 minutes away from masturbating furiously over the cheerleader and potty mouth clips to slap “STILL STANDING!” in grunge font over the bombed-out mosque. Is it possible to look more like a douchebag? Did he crawl out from under a pile of spent porn DVDs and pizza boxes 5 minutes before this picture was taken? I mean what the fuck.
I’m still surprised that no one’s said that it’s my whey or the highway….
sweet Bloggy Jesus.
Hey, leave the kid alone. You know he went off the reservation and got uninvited at WND years ago? He had his own blog for awhile where recanted on much of the insanity, but people hounded him until it disappeared.
Wow, I had no idea about that. I almost feel sorry for the kid. Almost.
Also: Best. Blog series. Ever.
Is “YAF” anything like “yiff”? I mean, besides their both being kinda creepy.
I heard that “Flagg Youngblood” was born František Zden?k Bohumil Janá?ek, but he changed his name after the poor sales of his first DVD*.
* “The Czech’s in Your Mouth (I won’t come in the mail)”.
Dick Cheney: When I lower my hand, one of you will die.
DIBS ON NOVAK!
get a flash…
[…] has gone all Maxwell Smart and infiltrated the ongoing CPAC convention, and he’s issuing numerous reports. (More than those links, just keep scrolling down.) Thus far, this is the most […]
Bryan Preston looks like he ate a poodle for lunch.
Dick Cheney: When I lower my hand, one of you will die.
Alternative caption: Seig….Heil!
BTW, Mr. Pierce, but imdb has your namesake as Leonard Pratt. Unless you mean someone else.
Actually, I just meant that his name was also Leonard, but IMDB’s wrong about his name: Private Pyle was named Leonard Lawrence, not Leonard Pratt. (“I don’t like the name Lawrence! Only faggots and sailors are named Lawrence!”)
Why would anyone assume that a man at the ConservativeHQ.com booth was Richard Viguerie?
Do you think that anyone at the Americans for Tax Reform booth would be Grover Norquist? Or anyone at the Leadership Institute booth would be Morton Blackwell? Or anyone at any of the 150 booths would always be the head of that particular organization?
So, instead of guessing wrong on the Internet for the world to see, perhaps the name ConservativeHQ.com might give someone a clue. When you do that, and scroll down a little, there is a picture of Richard Viguerie on the left of the screen at http://www.conservativehq.com/
Shouldn’t persons who post pictures and captions on the Internet know just a little bit about what they are writing?
Or is it impossible to know what you are doing and be a liberal at the same time?
Okay, Art, let’s just calm down here. First of all, the guy at the booth was passing out copies of Richard Viguerie’s book, at Richard Viguerie’s booth, at a conference Richard Viguerie was attending, and in fact, there have been plenty of times that the heads of their organizations were manning their booths — in fact, I saw Morton Blackwell at the Leadership Institute booth several times; a number of Town Hall writers were at the Town Hall booth; Niger Innis was (despite my photo above) at the CORE booth a few times; Michelle Bernard was at the IWF booth; and Joseph Farah was constantly at the WorldNet Daily booth. Having seen Viguerie only a few times in photos, I wasn’t entirely sure what he looked like , and frankly, whoever that guy is, I don’t think he looks entirely unlike Richard Vigurerie, so I just assumed it was him.
If it’s not, fine, I’m sorry, and I apologize for mistaking an innocent man for a total douchebag like Viguerie. My overall point is still valid, though, which is that Viguerie, who undoubtedly approved the image I was mocking, is a dick. The fact that I mistook some other guy for Viguerie is of marginal import, and you’re acting like it’s the fucking Piltdown Man.
Hey, Leonard, I’d like to recommend that you learn to express yourself without using vulgar words of a sexual and excretory nature, especially in public forums and blogs on the Internet.
In regard to the ConservativeHQ.com booth at CPAC, you could have introduced yourself and asked the names of the several people at that booth before incorrectly guessing.
There’s a right way and a wrong way to do everything.
Really strange. Hard core conservatives applauding the biggest spending, least conservative big-government Republican ever. Hard core conservatives at CPAC should have been booing Bush and Cheney, if they had sense and guts. Strange days, indeed…..
Actually, I just meant that his name was also Leonard, but IMDB’s wrong about his name:
Hanx for the clarification. Carry on.
It must suck to win in every government branch and still be bitter angry people. 🙂