This is the first time since the Casa Biscuitbarrel’s PC soundboard went out that I’ve been happy to miss Internets audio.

The graphics at the link were scary enough!

Are you not enraged by this travesty? How DARE he.

I’m still not quite sure what he meant with his whole “constipated” analogy. He should really continue to explain that for another 10 minutes or so.

*gently clubs Koolidge and slips him back into his box*

Well, I listened to it.

And I don’t have titanium testicles.

I need new pants.

It appears to me you’ve been challenged in a rap battle, Brad. You know what you have to do.

Pinko, you know how sometimes when you go to the zoo there is that one stupid little asshole monkey who sits there and makes faces at you and you’re like, shit, that little fucker is mocking me! Then he flings feces at you and laughs and runs away. It’s like that.

Sure you want to choke the stupid little monkey, but its not his fault really that his masters put him in a little cage and didn’t give him anyone to fornicate with. Forget the monkey. Let’s go look at the sea lions. Hoooray, sea lions!

Don’t listen to this song unless you have titanium testicles.

Those are heavy and bruise your thighs when you run. I recommend carbon fibre reinforced plastic.

a cashewy nutlog of no consequence
your stupid blog doesn’t even have a conference

You got surrrrved! Did you see how he turned cashew into an adjective? Woot!

I must disagree, pedestrian. Capt. Trollypants has challenged Sadly, No! and others in a blog rap battle. A failure to respond will damage this blog’s rep and undermine its cred. Sadly, No! knows what it has to do if it wants to stay in the game.

Agreed. SadlyNo! best rap back or I don’t think I can continue supporting it.

J-

I’d prefer to meet the challenge in haiku:

Rapper Trollypants
His Fecal Fetishes Shine
Unfortunate Rap

I see. So we got served, as it were?

GET A BRAINS AT THE BRAINS STORE MORANS AND TRY TO LISTEN TO THIS BEFORE YOU TRY TO AND FAIL TO READ BECAUSE YOU DON:T KNOW HOW

Dude spells moron with an ‘A’, can’t figure out his plurals from his singles, then accuses me of not knowing how to read? WIngnutia becomes more like a parody every day.

wtf was THAT?

Is that serious? cus it had me laughing so i hard i nearly shit myself.

Oh dear.

His keyboard skills are as bad as his vocal defecations.
“CAPTAIN TROLLYPANTS DEFECNDS JONAG GOLDBERG”

‘Defecunds’ ? Defecunding the fevered feces flowing from frothy fascists founts would, in my humble opinion, be a good thing.

Did he in fact mean ‘Jonah’? Could there be a “Jonag Goldberg”? Why, there is and it’s Doughy Pantload himself!

… AND THERE STuPID BATTLE RAPS
“There” meaning on that page, I guess.

Chip shot but wtf, I’m tired.

I’ll see your wtf and raise you a huuuuuuuuh?

Moonbat. *head shake*

Someone mentor this young disciple!

I never thought I would see the day where Capt. Trollypants out bravadoed and outwitted the commenters at S,N! INC.

WE MUST DEFEND

Lemme try that again Doughy Pantload himself.

HEY SADLY NO CHUMPS

YOU THINK YOU CAN MOCK MY TYPING AND SPELLING

HOW ABOUT SACKING UP AND MASTERING ME IN A WORD BATTLE

THIS BLOG IS SAD.

THIS BLOG DON’T GET MUCH HITS

ABOUT AS MANY AS MY DAILY SHITS

AND I’M CONSTIPATED

W00T!!!!!

YOU THINK YOU CAN MOCK MY TYPING AND SPELLING

HOW ABOUT SACKING UP AND MASTERING ME IN A WORD BATTLE[?]

Well now. Iam confused. This . . . this, noise was intended as a deadly insult? And we’re supposed to respond in kind?

Damn! Never a five-year-old around when you really need one.

Trolly

I have to bow to your mad rapper skillz (I think that’s how you gangstas spell skills. And gangster). Alas, as a 46 year-old graphic designer, my word battle is a little on the rusty side. Apparently I’m more regular than you – perhaps more fiber in the dietz…

Just when I thought Irony might not really be dead.

The scariest thing about this?

That someone would expend this much energy defending Jonah Goldberg.

Pathetic. Sad, Disturbing.

Creepy.

Seriously creepy.

I bet he was rooting for Kurt Russell in “Death Proof.”

Constipated? I’ve heard that having your head up your ass is a common contributing factor.

Trollypants? Hah. Lil Frenchy Le Jardin Gnomeypants is more like it. THAT’S RIGHT I WENT THERE.

HOW ABOUT SACKING UP AND MASTERING ME IN A WORD BATTLE

Challenge accepted! As soon as I figure out what the fuck that “sentence” means. I mean, I’m already in bed.

WIngnutia becomes more like a parody every day.

Let’s rearrange the furniture a bit here….

“A parody becomes more like WIngnutia every day.”

Ahh, that’s more like it.

“Sack up” you say? Well, I’m flattered but i’m not really into white guys. But since you’re obviously a bottom…

I think the merits of J. Goldberg’s Liberal Fascism are better judged over a game of Guitar Hero.

Guh?

Well, no studio time for me today. That fucking thing just sucked out of my head all the talent that I had for the day.

you fuckers.

you warned me, I didn’t listen. but I listened, and now I’m going to die.

I think a handful of xanax and a six pack of Killian’s Red should do the trick.

If you can stomach another visit to Trollypantsload’s bullshit song again, I defy you to tell me that the rapper in the, how should I put this, shitpile that is that song is not the bastard child of Mike Tyson and Miss Swan from MadTV.

…this is impressive. I’ve heard some bad shit, this isn’t the worst politlcal song I’ve ever heard — it’s not even the stupidest, that would be The Ronald Reagan Song by Edward C Hayes — but it is just about the most pointless.

Capt. Trollypants is a hack and a hater, but it would be a mistake to dismiss him offhand. After all, if he’s getting so much flak, he must be circling over the target, no? His charges must be countered forcibly!

Just when I thought Irony might not really be dead.

It is clear from the comments here that irony is, in fact, dead.

It is clear from the comments here that irony is, in fact, dead.

Isn’t it ironic? Don’t you think?

Somebody said the blogosphere had the memory of a trout when they forgot who the Editors were after like, two months away from the scene. What has a worse memory than a trout? A scoop of pea gravel?

I will answer Trollypants. I think I have his number. I got some skills of my own. Lest on forget, Trollypants was answering US, as Jonah ducked the beef.

Naturally.

Trolly had the guts to bring it, childish as it may seem, but I think he scored some points. I have heard NOTHING from Sifu Tweety yet.

I am not only dead, I have been smashed to flinders.

Ok, I don’t know crap from Rap, and no way did I actually check out the song.

I did visit Three Bulls, but as usual that merely resulted in greater confusion.

But since I’m genuinely fond of Pinko Punko, I took a swing at a rappin response.

If any of you kids would like to get off my lawn long enough to record it, please feel free…

Hey cap’n? Ain’t gonna listen to yer rap
Hope you understand that that’s a slap
But I ain’t inflictin my ears wit all dat crap
Think instead I’ll take a nap

Now Trolly knows what Trolly thinks
And Sadly knows that Trolly stinks
We can live with this crap thanks to the drinks
But some of us know better than to click the links

So take your rap back down the road
Back to the bulls, you freakin Choad
Your whole story is a steaming load
I just started rhymin and the words just flowed

mikey

Dumbest thing since “The Right Brothers.”

Bush was right!

Bush was right!

Bush was right!
.

Mikey you are awesome-

Those lyrics are going in the response-

Mikey brings it, as usual.

I honor you!

WHATEVER GRAND MOFF

YOU ATE IT

That beat ain’t half bad, actually.

But you know what those crazy hip hop kids are always saying.

“MCs without a voice should write a book”

Rap Beef, Nyucka!

Mikey’s down! (um, not in the same way that a soldier or cop or a chopper would be down).

Mikeylicious and the Furious Fourscores.

Back in the early eighties I was a songwriter for “Dick Hung and the Oral Six”.

Kinda sharpened up my mad skillz…

mikey

#

Irony said,

February 7, 2008 at 21:38

I am not only dead, I have been smashed to flinders.

Well! Small world! I’ve been smashed, too! Made it as far as Poughkeepsie once, but never all the way to Flinders.

I’m glad the people commenting on the internet aren’t just reactionaries who’s opinions aren’t easily shaped like warm clay. Are aren’t they? How many nots is that? I confused myself.

Hey, it’s that commenter who gets shot with cannonballs. HE’S cool.

It is clear from the comments here that irony is, in fact, dead.

Isn’t it ironic? Don’t you think?

It’s like rain on your wedding day, or good advice you just can’t take.

Wow… that was like early-80’s Yello, but much, much, much worse.

If in fact irony is just a bummer then I insist that killing irony only makes it stronger.

So wait–wasn’t this supposed to be about Aravosis? How’d it morph into more free publicity for Goldberg?

I might’ve missed something–went through the 3B! archives best I could, which did not serve to clarify matters, as my native tongue is English–but I’m pretty sure the ball got dropped somewhere along the line.

Anyway, if somebody still plans to bring the pain to its original target, here’s a tip, gratis: “-osis” is a suffix commonly found in the world of medical maladies. Some fun to be had along those lines, yes? YOU’RE WELCOME.

Bill Maher on the Rev. Ted Haggard
(Closeted Conservative Cock-nibbler Hall of Famer)

Irony, historical memory, perspicacity. The blogosphere has no patience for such quaint oddities.

Borehole,

We already hammered Aravosis. You missed out that we also hammered Jonah, but Trollypants decided to pick up Jonah’s beef for him, because he was just playing with us!!!!!

I’ve been asked to get involved. Reluctantly, I agreed:

“It appears to me you’ve been challenged in a rap battle, Brad. You know what you have to do.”

I don’t know if Brad, being a presumed pacifist, would accept this strategy, but I’d highly recommend to either Brad, or the rappin’ insurgents, in this case, the Dr BLT solution:

Let’s End the War (By Winning It)
Dr BLT copyright 2008 Right-wing Records
http://www.drblt.net/music/LetsWIN2C.mp3

Then again, maybe they were right in the 60s when they said, “Make Love, Not War.” Right now, I’m torn, as is reflected in my latest, a cover of the Who’s

Squeezebox
Dr BLT
featuring not Christina Aguilera
http://www.drblt.net/music/SqueezeBoxDemo2.mp3

Peace…out!

Thanks, P-Punk. Dunno how I missed that. Won’t get a chance to check it out until later tonight (no sound card? For shame, bossman), but a gentleman always assumes defness until wackassedness is proven, and in that spirit, I give it four and a half kangols out a possible five.

(spoken)
oh my god pam, look at that BLOG
it is so wingnutty! it looks like one of those…retarded kids’ blogs
they only post there because it, like, totally hates brown people!
it’s just so retarded! and what’s with the creative spelling?

(rap)
i like wingnuts and i cannot lie
you other bloggers can’t deny
that when a page loads up with a twin towers gif
and some talking points in your face
you get sprung
wanna post some lies
while you stuff yo face with fries
confederate yankee’s grill is needy
assrocket says “heh, indeedy!”
oh baby, wanna post some hate
but comments is blocked at redstate
sadly no homeboys tried to warn me
but the implants pam’s got make ME SO HORNY
i’m tired of these moderates
sayin’ no to my muslim hate
take the average wingnut and ask him that
“gotta take this country back!”

blogger’s
a
HACK

(doot doot de doo doot doot)

(note from the author: i shot myself after hitting ‘Submit’)

mercifully anonymous said…

hahah! Dingdingdingding! We have a winner.

(rap)
i like wingnuts and i cannot lie
you other bloggers can’t deny

AWESOME

I PREFER FLIES IN MY CHARDONNAY

Ya mama look like she’s been in the dryer with some rocks
With the big bust nose sucking dirt out of socks
Held up the ice cream truck with a slingshot
She grabbed a bag of Cheetos and a soda pop

Pharcyde lyrics changed for added wingnutiness.

Hm, who could’ve “asked” BLT to “get involved”? What a brain-teaser.

Hey BLT, love your alternative “street” persona. Helps you get your message across to Da Kidz, kno’m’say’n? You wanker.

If you’re trying to pick a fight with me, kiki, it won’t work. I’ve returned to my Mennonites roots and I’ve become a pacifist. I will tell you this: It takes a lot less energy to love me than to hate me.

I won’t speak for kiki, but dood, I’ve got ALL KINDS of energy…

mikey

“Who is to say, Winston, that hate is less energising than love?” (Probably misquoted)

You know what us Orwellian liberal fascists are like. Our hate is love.

I clicked.

I listened.

I do have titanium testicles.

I just crushed them in a hydraulic press to make the pain stop.

“Our hate is love.”

Now that’s what I call progress. I don’t want to celebrate prematurely, but something tells me you’re actually warming up to me :).

Pinko beat me to it, mikey.

I was working on a happenin rhythm track that would have worked for your rhymes.

But I’ll let P-Punk take it from here, cuz frankly, I’m a little afraid of where it’s going.

So I’m just gonna chill with a bottle of wine and see how this works out….

Righteous Bubba said,
[titanium testicles] are heavy and bruise your thighs when you run. I recommend carbon fibre reinforced plastic.

Would it make me a humourless concern troll if I reminded RB that titanium is a light metal? (only half again as dense as aluminium).
Yes, I wrote ‘aluminium’ and not ‘aluminum’, because that’s how we roll in New Zealand.
My own prosthetic testicle is a hollow shell of beryllium alloy, machined in a hexagonal mesh, so in emergencies it can be used as the neutron initiator in an implosion-style warhead.

My own prosthetic testicle is a hollow shell of beryllium alloy, machined in a hexagonal mesh, so in emergencies it can be used as the neutron initiator in an implosion-style warhead.

Ahhh, goddam jeezus buggeryfuck.

I’ve got nothing like this.

I’ve got a skeletonized HK91 with some fancy-ass shit, I’ve got a righeous Ingram .45, I’ve got a K13 Combat masterpiece with Tritium sights, I’ve got a Mossberg Mariner Stainless extended mag combat 12 with folding stocks.

I do NOT have a neutron initiator or an implosion-style warhead.

Dammit…

mikey

Would it make me a humourless concern troll if I reminded RB that titanium is a light metal?

Yes. Yes it would.

I don’t understand what was so painful about that Trollypants smackdown. If you can’t take the battle rap heat, get out of the kitchen!!!!!!

Also, major props etc. to the genius of Mr. Leonard Pierce, carrying the day as the boat takes him upriver.

I don’t understand what was so painful about that Trollypants smackdown.

It was the crushing truthfulness demolishing the differently-flow-enabled.

Word. Although I’m worried that people might somehow think that I’m associated with CT, I mean, yikes. I hope The Editors doesn’t crater us when he puts on the dinosaur suit. Because I GUARANTEE that will be longer than 6:19. You will beg him to read the phone book.

[…] Capt. T finally did it. He peed into the wind while spitting and poking a turd and disturbing a hornet’s nest. The nest of a single, but very large hornet. A hornet that is […]

I think it was teh awsum! Like the second coming of Wesley Willis (God rest his soul).

Create a random, vaguely rap soundtrack. For 5 minutes jabber some non sensical scatological vaguely political lyrics. Post your creation to your blog and then troll every site that you mention in your “song”. Challenge them to reply in kind. Bask in the glow of the triumph of your ideology over your rivals. Ignore the fact that everyone thinks your a moronic low life troll with nothing better to do with your life. Retreat back into the basement of your parents house to plot your next great gesture in the culture war.

winterbear,

I applaud your ability to think outside the box and recognize quality as you see it. Stand strong, friend, in the face of the poo-poo head menace. Certainly the darkness of our enemy reveals itself in crap raps about blogging.

SHUT IT PINKO!!!!

DEVO IS NEITHER RANDOM NOR VAGUE NOR RAPLIKE

WHAT DOES A WINTERBEAR DO IN THE WOODS? NOT POOP BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE WRONG

Sometimes I fear for the very sanity of our beloved Pinko.

But the rest of the time I just shrug in a vaguely gaulish manner, for it is clearly far too late….

mikey

mikey, mikey, mikey,

you know you have nothing but love in your heart

i chirp up in your grill motherfucka
you ain’t keepin it real motherfucka

[…] CONSTANT CHIRP OF CRICKETS THAT I HEAR IN MY EAR REGARDING THEIR NON-RESPONSE TO MY BATTLE RAPPING THEIR ASSES BACK TO THE STONED […]