In a comment posted on our Reagan dime post below, Michael suggested we do the following:

Go to thomas.loc.gov and type “dime” in the search box to see the lame text in the Reagan bill … But, make sure you read the Reagan text on an empty stomach…

Well, we did. And we’re gonna need a new bucket. Listed below are the accomplishments included in H. R. 3633. We’ve added some comments, because that’s the kind of blog we run here:

This Act may be cited as the ‘Ronald Reagan Dime Act’.

Does it have to though? We much prefer the Ronald Reagan Arms for Hostages Celebration Act. But on with the show:

In 1981, when Ronald Reagan was inaugurated President, he inherited a disillusioned nation wracked by rampant inflation and high unemployment.

How terrible, that poor man! In January 1981 unemployment in the United States of America was 7.5%. It would take Ronald Reagan’s economic miracle producing machine barely two years to increase it to 10.8% in December 1982. It then took another brisk 17 months before the rate went below its January 1981 level: 7.4% in May 1984.

Total time needed to achieve a 0.1% reduction in the unemployment rate? Three years and four months. Booyah!

We’re only getting started — click on “continue reading…” to see the rest!

The policies of President Reagan brought about the beginnings of an economic boom that lasted almost unimpeded through the end of the 20th century.

Almost — that is, as long as you forget about that whole recession which contributed to Bush I’s loss in 1992, and if you assume that although Clinton raised taxes and undid many of the policies of Reagan, growth in 1993-2001 can be credited, magic-like, to Reagan. Other than all that and assuming those assumptions aren’t a gigantic pile of nonsense, then yes Reagan managed to eliminate the business cycle all on his own! And he still found time for daily naps! When Clinton took office in 1993, the unemployment rate was 7.3%. Total time needed by the Reagan/Bush wizardry machine to achieve a 0.2% reduction in unemployment: 12 years. Whazzup?!?

President Reagan was victorious in 49 of the 50 states in the 1984 general election, a record unsurpassed in the history of United States presidential elections.

Let’s just put Walter Mondale on the penny for that one, ok?

President Reagan, through his simple republican dignity and sense of personal responsibility to the United States of America, brought pride and honor to the Office of the President.

“We did not trade arms for hostages.” –Ronald Reagan, addressing the nation on the old television device. Wouldn’t it have rocked if somehow he had said “We did not trade arms for hostages, with that country, Iran” instead? Yeah.

President Reagan worked in a bipartisan manner to enact his agenda of restoring accountability and common sense to government, which led to an unprecedented economic expansion and opportunity for millions of Americans.

Accountability and Common sense: $1.4 trillion in new debt.

(8) I know my calculus (8)
(8) It says tax cuts + spending increases = deficits ‘r us (8)

President Reagan’s commitment to an active social policy agenda for the nation’s children helped lower crime in our neighborhoods.

In 1981, the FBI’s crime index rate (CIR) per 100,000 inhabitants was 5,858.2. In 1989 it reached the amazingly low level of 5,741, from which it increased to 5,897.8 in 1991. Violent crime per 100,000 inhabitants was higher when Reagan left office than in 1981. (As were rates of aggravated assaults, forcible rape, larceny theft, and motor vehicle theft.)

During Clinton’s two terms, the CIR went from 5,487.1 to 4,162.6. It was under 5,000 for his last five years in office. It never went under 5,000 with either Reagan or Bush I in the White House.

President Reagan led a national crusade against illegal narcotics, which resulted in a substantial decline in illegal drug use in the United States during his eight years in office.

And then a little known radio personality by the name of Rush Limbaugh hit the airwaves…

President Reagan wrote ‘Abortion and the Conscience of a Nation’ for the 10th Anniversary of Roe v. Wade, which stated “Abraham Lincoln recognized that we could not survive as a free land when some men could decide that others were not fit to be free and should therefore be slaves. Likewise, we cannot survive as a free nation when some men decide that others are not fit to live and should be abandoned to abortion or infanticide . . . there is no cause more important for preserving that freedom than affirming the transcendent right to life of all human beings, the right without which no other rights have any meaning.”

Let’s put Lincoln on the dime then!

President Reagan’s unshakeable commitment to freedom strengthened America’s mission to proclaim liberty throughout the world and led to the collapse of global Communism, the fall of the Iron Curtain, and the toppling of the Berlin Wall, giving millions of people across the globe formerly shackled by the Soviets opportunity to live in peace and freedom.

Meanwhile in Afghanistan, a small group of happy go lucky rebels led by Osama bin Muhammad bin Awad bin Laden was plotting its next move. In Iraq, Saddam Hussein enjoyed US support while he filled mass graves with children clutching teddy bears or while exchanging pleasantries with Donald Rumsfeld. In South Africa, the apartheid regime found it neato to have the support of the Reagan administration. The people of Central and South America were also gay to no end about Reagan’s commitment to freedom.

The other achievements are variations on the theme of the fall of the Soviet Union and communism. But we can’t take anymore.

Notes: FBI Crime data, Bureau of Economic Advisors GDP data, Bureau of Labor Statistics Unemployment data.

Update: Blair sends us this link to a PDF file of the proposed bill. We’d say thanks but we’re not sure what to think.