Huston, He Has A Problem
…with SEEEEXXXXXXXXXX:
It looks like a wayward hippie from Haight-Ashbury circa 1967 found himself a time machine and came forward to 2008 and barricaded himself in the editorial room of the Chicago Tribune, today. To celebrate this magical feat, the Trib has gathered together all their best thinkers and, guided by their time leaping hippie, they’ve decided to advocate a little tonic for the New Year: Have more sex in 2008. But, man, let’s not bring us all down with talk of marriage, commitment, and morality, shall we? No, cast off that morality talk. Have sex because it “makes you younger.”
Uh-oh. Is Warner trying to tell us something about himself? Because for a very long time, Warner looked like…
But then he looked like…
To be sure, there’s no doubt that sex is fun and can certainly be beneficial
Thus Warner, an expert now that he’s had a sexual encounter with a female other than Rosie Palm, offers his considered opinion.
but the notion that sex is nothing but fun is a step in the direction of immoral choices, choices that cause more harm than good.
Sour grapes? Guilt? That trip to the brothel! Was it really worth losing the Rasputin-crossed-with-Billy-Gibbons look Warner had so long cultivated? All those years he’d spent in trying to pass for an inbred and Amish version of Stonewall Jackson: ruined!!!
I’d also like to point out that the claim that sex burns four calories a minute is a rather specious argument to make as a benefit for sexual activity. If burning calories is the goal, many more can be burned off with real exercise. Few people are able to sustain enough sexual activity to make any difference in burning calories.
Translation: It’ll shave ten years off your face, but the wing-gut remains. So while the new look no doubt forced Warner to abandon the Plowboy Frazier-style Tuff-Nut over-alls in favor of elastic-band Dockers, any hope that sex would repair the inevitable result of Cheetos addiction was dashed.
But, have more sex, man. It’s, like, free ya know? Make love not… a stable society. (Mark Steyn, you are being paged)
Why is Mark Steyn being paged? Wait — I don’t think I want to know.
Thanks Chicago Tribune (and Newsweek, too) for this wonderful prescription for 2008. Now, I wonder if this section came with a free condom, a few adult beverages, a fake phone number scribbled on cocktail napkin, and a load of regret in the morning?
Yeah, Tribune and Newsweek, thanks for encouraging the sluts! Now some other wingnut virgin’s Talibeard will fall out, and it’ll be all your fault!
“Few people are able to sustain enough sexual activity to make any difference in burning calories.”
I think this is more of a tacit admission to being a two pump chump. And even if it isn’t, how are you resisting the temptation to make fun of him for it?
But, man, let’s not bring us all down with talk of marriage, commitment, and morality, shall we?
Gosh, the article just talks about the physical benefits of sex. Why does he jump to the conclusion that sex has to take place outside of the bonds of marriage, commitment, and morality? Unless……
Because I didn’t want to think that graphically about Huston having sex. Thanks a lot.
Sex is only OK when it’s between a Republican senator and his male pages, but only if he doesn’t want to marry them!
Liberals. Hmf.
That’s an odd non sequitur. (Warner Huston, you are being stupid)
and a load of regret in the morning
It’s always like this for Warner. No matter what he tries. Always, the crushing sense of failure and regret in the morning.
The fact is, liberals, that no matter who Warner Huston wakes up next to in the morning, he is still Warner Huston.
Warner Huston is a lot of ladies’ big regrets come morning.
And by a lot, I mean probably under five.
And by under five, I’m guess under three.
The fact is, liberals, that no matter who Warner Huston wakes up next to in the morning, he is still Warner Huston.
Except that one day when Warner woke up one day and was shocked to discover he had been transformed into the form of a giant cockroach.
Man, that was trippy.
The fact is, liberals, that no matter who Warner Huston wakes up next to in the morning, he is still Warner Huston.
Yes. And that is the tragedy of it, isn’t it?
You liberals go have your homo sex now why don’t ya.
a load of regret in the morning
I guess one disappointing load deserves another.
hooray for immoral choices!
Just a quick note to say that am really happy to see HTML Mecken posting again, his post as always have been fabulous.
Miguel
(Mark
SteynFoley, you are being paged)Fixted!
You liberals go have your homo sex now why don’t ya.
Okay. I personally am not gay, but I can think of worse ways to spend a Wednesday.
If he wants to page *ahem – legally, you freaks* somebody, may I suggest Mistress Matisse?
It could only help.
And as for liberals and gay sex? Who is it that wants to be utterly dominated by a large, bearded man; to give themselves over, completely and utterly, to his every command?
With apologies to Stephen Colbert, God is a Bear.
I’d also like to point out that the claim that sex burns four calories a minute is a rather specious argument to make as a benefit for sexual activity.
I’m sure there are people out there who are engaging in sex reluctantly, under the misguided impression that it is a form of aerobic exercise, much in the same way as they’d approach the treadmill or a new Nautilus machine at the gym.
At least people like that are kept away from immoral choices.
Never met anyone like that, though.
I heard of a review (probably apocryphal) of a Whitney Houston album that read simply, “Houston, you have a problem.”
Surely a close second to “Shit sandwich”.
Ring names
Uncle Elmer
Plowboy Frazier
Big Tex
Ed Younger
The Convict
Tiny Frazier
Pascagoula Plowboy
The Giant Rebel
Kamala II
Giant Hillbilly
Thank the FSM for wikipedia!
You know, I didn’t read the article he’s talking about, but I’m going to go ahead and guess that no one said sex is “nothing but fun.”
Shorter Warner: Have more sex? Give me some advice I can actually use!
Why do teh wingnuts make it sooooo impossible NOT to make fun of them?
I believe that I saw that same beard in one of the drawings on the Wooly Willy game.
“Few people are able to sustain enough sexual activity to make any difference in burning calories.”
Speaking for yourself, eh speedy?
I am proud to be one of the “few”, but then I am a liberal fascist. TICTMP!
Smells like Banjo Spirit.
Methinks the man no longer approves of being fisted outside of marriage.
“a few adult beverages, a fake phone number scribbled on cocktail napkin”
Not to bore us with personal details or anything…
“I’d also like to point out that the claim that sex burns four calories a minute is a rather specious argument ”
Um, you’re not supposed to do it alone…let’s face it, a 4-calorie burn per month isn’t going to help you much, Schmoo…and it isn’t an ‘argument’…and…oh, forget it.
g said,
January 10, 2008 at 7:40
But, man, let’s not bring us all down with talk of marriage, commitment, and morality, shall we?
Gosh, the article just talks about the physical benefits of sex. Why does he jump to the conclusion that sex has to take place outside of the bonds of marriage, commitment, and morality? Unless……
Telling, isn’t it, g? A normal person with a normal sex life would not make that leap.
And can I say the new shit-troll suxxors!!!1!
As someone who has long hair, smokes copious amounts of weed, digs the whole idea of peace & love, and actually likes the Grateful Dead (up until Pigpen died, anyway), I gotta ask three things:
Numero uno, why do wingnuts think hippies have any influence over anyone apart from, perhaps, other hippies? Seriously. It’s like they think there’s some all-powerful, be-Birkenstocked horde of hairy legged stoners out making the big decisions in government and media. You really think the guy who runs the Tribune listens to a guy like me as opposed to a rich white man in a suit? Seriously?
Numero two-o, and I really wanna know this, why do wingnuts hate sex so much? It’s like they just cannot grasp the idea of spending all day giving the person you love – or the person you really like and who just happens to be around – fair-to-middlin to mind-blowing orgasms and it not be to make more babies for the Fatherland. They keep saying it’s because the fuckin’ is destroying society, but it always comes across as just hatred of hot monkey lovin’. Don’t get that.
Numero three-o,…uhhh, damn. Totally slipped my mind, don’t know what could’ve caused that.
why do wingnuts think hippies have any influence over anyone apart from, perhaps, other hippies? Seriously. It’s like they think there’s some all-powerful, be-Birkenstocked horde of hairy legged stoners out making the big decisions in government and media.
Thank you for throwing them off our track. The dashikis, three inch disco heels and The Bump had failed to convince them we were Teh Blacks and we were running out of ideas to get them off our 8-track.
Now we can return our attention to eliminating nuclear weapons before somebody starts handing them out to other religious extremists besides the Baptists. Word has it their are some bad mofos searching the blackmarket yellowcake and they might be Mormons!
Four calories a minute?
That’s gotta be wrong. It burns at least 50 calories just getting on the trapeze.
sxwarren,
That’s only in Philadelphia :>)
“the claim that sex burns four calories a minute is a rather specious argument ”
Newsflash – it isn’t a spectator sport.
So I just had to look it up, a completely sedentary person burns 800 to 1500 calories per day. Calculating it out, sitting on your ass and breathing is good for circa 0.5 to 1 calorie per minute.
Four calories per minute? (n < 3, so no standard deviation is reported)
Warner Todd Huston, the four calorie per minute super studmuffin!