Well, it?s my final day as guest host here at Sadly, No! and as I sat down to write these last blog entries, I started to wonder what the future would hold. Would Wilson Lucom ever call me to talk about his former career? Would John LeBoutillier finally raise enough money to open his Counter Clinton Library? Would Seb kill me for letting Amber Pawlik out of her cage? Would Alan Keyes win the Illinois Senate race?

As these thoughts raced through my tired brain, I decided I needed answers. After giving the matter a bit of thought, I remembered that we have a true prophet of God in this country who knows how to predict the future…Pat Robertson. You may remember Pat from such famous predictions as this one (revealed by God earlier this year):

“I think George Bush is going to win in a walk,” Robertson said on his “700 Club” program on the Virginia Beach-based Christian Broadcasting Network, which he founded. “I really believe I’m hearing from the Lord it’s going to be like a blowout election in 2004. It’s shaping up that way.”

Right.

Thinking he might be able to help me, I wandered over to Pat’s website (the Christian Broadcasting Network) and immediately discerned that they have an article up about using our dreams to predict the future.

Since everybody’s been so nice to me here the past several days, I figured I should share this wisdom with all of you. So without further ado…Here?s your future!

Dreams are one of the most overlooked forms of communication used by God. The Word of God consistently reveals God as speaking to people through this universally experienced and mysterious phenomenon.

Overlooked no more, my friend.

The Lord uses dreams for a variety of purposes:

– to warn global leaders of future events. (Gen. 41:1-8)

It’s true. It’s all in how you interpret them. When God told our Fearless Leader that there’d be an emergency as he read My Pet Goat, he took it as a sign to use the bathroom before the class started. On the bright side, at least there were no uncomfortable “accidents” to make us look weak in front of the terrorists.

– to warn us against certain decisions. (Matt. 27:17-19)

I wish I?d read this before looking into Seb?s closet.

– to reveal His divine destiny for our lives. (Gen. 37:5-8)

Relegation to obscurity. Already know it.

– to answer our recent petitions and prayers. (I Kings 3:5-15)

Awww, yeah! Hello Olson twins! (Okay, maybe not the skinny one)

When to know a dream is from God, i.e. a “spiritual dream,” and when it’s just a natural dream can sometimes be hard to discern. No doubt it’s a very subjective experience but most of us have had the feeling that some dreams are not like the rest.

Like that one where Mr. T and I sang karaoke on the cruise ship. I knew that one was special as soon as it was over. I woke up thinking it must be some kind of message and, well, I guess it was.

The images linger, the emotions are strongly affected, and we get this feeling that what we just experienced is a message from above; a message that needs explanation.

Yes, yes. I pity the foo with no explanation.

When we do receive a spiritual dream they are usually one of three types.

I like how Wing Nuts always have such a precise ability to quantify things. Kind of like Rainman.

1. Warning Dream – This type is meant to warn us about some future attack from the enemy or some difficult time ahead.

You know, I?m beginning to wonder if God really does speak to the Bushman.

2. Confirmation Dream – This dream simply confirms that what you believe to be true about a person or situation is in fact true.

Ah, so Seb really is gay.

3. Prophetic Dream – A dream which reveals the future concerning yourself, another individual, a nation, etc.

Aha! Now we’re getting somewhere! Know the future now! So I’ll just…uh…wait, where are the rest of the instructions? The article seems to end right there. Damn.

I guess that means we’re just going to have to interpret our dreams for ourselves. Well, okay. Given that, here are my predictions based on some recent dreams:

(1) Seb will never allow me to guest blog again.

(2) Tom DeLay, eating at McDonald’s, will choke on a french fry and die in the little hallway leading back to the bathroom. Other Wing Nuts will mistake the two crumpled french fries he still holds in his hand for a reference to the Twin Towers and he will always be remembered as a Blame-America-Firster.

(3) In an attempt to appease the rabid Right after the DeLay scandal, McDonald’s will replace Grimace with Wilson Lucom. Children will be too terrified to eat Happy Meals with his picture on them and America will be blessed with a whole new generation of healthy kids.

(4) Amber Pawlik will get bored with her newfound liberty and secretly sneak back into Seb’s closet. I suspect we’ll all be reading about her here again soon.

Only time will tell if I’ve used Pat’s gifts correctly. But if you think I’ve heard God wrong, then ask Him yourself. Well, unless you’re a Wing Nut. Then you’d better just ask Pat.