See, What Had Happened Was…

Those of you wondering how Hooty Hugh Hewitt, who approximately a year and a half ago anointed Mitt Romney the NEXT PRESIDENT OF THESE UNITED STATES, would spin the Iowa caucus victory of Mike Huckabee — well, here’s Hewitt flunky/Bush 2004 web nerd Patrick Ruffini to explain it all to you.

delicious puppies
Above: ‘You see, the American voter is weak and soft, like this adorable puppy…boy, I sure am hungry all of a sudden.’

The problem is that Iowa voters are like a giggling, hysterical woman, or a pretty pink flower: they used their useless, fragile emotions to decide who to vote for instead of the cold, precise Vulcan logic that has held sway in all previous presidential elections.

Count on voters to decide with their hearts, not with their heads. 2004 was all about momentum vs. organization. 2008 was about candidates of the heart vs. the head.

Hardly 12 hours have passed since they called the vote, and Patrick’s already got his storyline. Well done! But wait, wasn’t 2004 all about values? Ahhh, screw it, history is increasingly written not by the winners but by the whiners.

Clinton and Romney had well-reasoned closing arguments centering around their fitness for the office, which should be the bottom line in any normal election. But in Iowa, the pull of identity, of gut decisions, and of emotion, won the day.

I’m going to go ahead and assume that since Patrick claims that fitness for office and well-reasoned closing arguments are the bottom line in any normal election, we have never, ever had a normal election in this country, and we never will. I mean, I hate to make my jokes too obvious here, but this is a guy who was a central component of Bush/Cheney ’04, here, arguing that in a normal election, fitness for office and well-reasoned debate should carry the day.

This was a vote about identity, about people voting for someone like them, not about issues.

Well, sure! That certainly explains Obama’s win, right? Because who is a state like Iowa, with its rural, Christian, 94.6% white population, going to identify with more than a black man from the third-largest city in America who was educated in Indonesia? Clearly, identity politics carried the day.

Of course, I can’t really blame the GOP establishment for being freaked out at Huckabee’s success. I’m highly amused at the possibility of massive seizures amongst the Republican elite if he actually snags the endorsement, but if he somehow manages to win, well, that will pretty much mean that America would rather elect a mop with a bucket for a head than a Democrat.

the esteemed representative of Bucketania
Above: Clearly not descended from a monkey


Comments: 40


Personally, I can’t wait for the moment when, several months into the general with Huckabee down 34 points in the polls, Chuck Norris mysteriously disappears from view and we read all these gossipy stories in rags like Politico about how Huckabee’s new advisors “don’t believe he plays well to a national audience.” Good times.


Bucketmop for a head? I thought that was Thompson…

…oh wait, that’s both Thompson and Huckabee. Romney’s the slick used car salesman.


Actually, on second thought, Thompson’s a mannequin: dressed up nicely, but just sits there.


Anyone else noticed how a lot of the rightwing bloggers have now resorted to calling voters stupid?


If only our government were run like a business instead of this stupid voting and other impulsive whatnot, but not one of these liberal fascist Christian socialist businesses which want to be around for, like, a whole 10 years or more, but more like an awesome business like a combination of Enron and Blackwater, so that the whole country could be fixed up real right-like in maybe 2 or 3 years.


You’re just opposed to Governor Buckethead because you hate Jesus.


Foo, that woulda been really, really funny if I’d only gotten Gov. Bucketmop’s name right.


This was a vote about identity, about people voting for someone like them, not about issues.

WTF? Even Hugh Hewitt’s readers are smart enough to notice that Obama is one of them scary brown people.

…they are smart enough to notice that, right?


I can’t say anything too bad about Hugh Hewitt. He was the first to spin a Dr BLTune on a nationally-syndicated radio broadcast and he played it 4 times in one day.

But I will say that I was glad Romney had to eat crow last night. I’m predicting defeat for Romney in this new song:

The White House is not for Sale

(neither is this song, BTW, for those about to quite aptly label me a song pimp).




President Bucketmop Will Finally Clean Up Washington!!!

Worst. President. Ever.

Well, I’ll say one thing for Huckabee.

When he debated the other candidates, he didn’t wear a little black box on his back connected to an earpiece so somebody could tell him what to say.

I don’t know if that makes him a candidate of the head or of the heart.

Arky - Fascitanata

Shorter Ruffini: People should only vote with their hearts when their hearts tell them to vote for my pick!

And now, the 1812 Overture featuring the assplodin’ wingy heads…


I love it when fucktards from other place interpret how and why us Iowans behave.

The Dem caucus I attended was animated and full of well thought out opinions, even if I thought some of them were wrong.

The repubs got what they deserve.


I’m ready to vote for a buckmop, that brushcutter just didn’t work out.


Hmm, buckmop…that was either a fruedian slip or not enough coffee.


Governor Bucketmop has carefully avoided the many allegations of long periods spent in the closet. Nor has he clarified on his many reversals between wet or dust. Flip! Flop! Mip! Mop!


I heard Bucketmop is avoiding the debates because they’d wipe the floor with him.

That said, if he runs Mr. Clean as his VP, he’s gonna be tough to beat in N.H.


That said, if he runs Mr. Clean as his VP, he’s gonna be tough to beat in N.H.

And Mr. Clean’s sparkling presence is somehow supposed to make us forget all the time Bucketmop has spent mucking around in the dirtiest, bottom of the floor, dusty corner campaigns?


Bucketmop has been wrung out too many times.


Here’s to Willard M. staying in the race long enough for MA voters to get another crack at him.


You liberals think it’s possible to fight against the dark and dirty forces infesting our homes and shops without getting yourself stained in the process, but only Bucketmop has the hard-wrought experience to continue to fight in the trenches and in the hallways and in the corridors and the other spaces we forget.


Bucketmop has nothing on the dark and dirty force busting of Commander SwifferJet.

And you don’t get dirty in the process.


“the GOP establishment” must have a pretty low bar to entry if this chucklemonkey is part of it…


I’m very glad that the annoying-as-fuck BLT has discovered delicious pie.


I love the smell of democracy in the morning, smells like..

Digby got a funny bit of Clinton-spam, written in the style of Swank on crank. Highlights include It is the torture which is self-explanatory in the contents of my information provided to you as the voter. It speaks for itself. So there’s that.

And in the Telegraph, best photo caption of the day, Be afraid: Women or gay men could be behind the wheel of any car. Also possible Huckabee voters. Drive defensively.


that guy looks like a ‘mo, and I know cause I’m a ‘mo

why are there so many pathetic ‘mos working for the thugs?


“I’m very glad that the annoying-as-fuck BLT has discovered delicious pie.”

I accept all compliments, even back-handed ones. Have a second helping of “delicious pie” if you wish. I don’t mind being experienced as annoying. It sure beats being ignored.


Scott: “Buckethead” works too. I laughed.


1. Swank on Crank – by “Doctah” Seuss.

2. Do not, under any circumstances, fail to click Humor Me’s link to this missive on Digby. Do not read it while ingesting solids or liquids. Tip: Keep Kleenex (TM) handy for the tears of mirth that will course down your leathery cheeks.

Gen. Broom (ret.)

I served with “Commander” SwifferJet, he fights dirty and those wounds were self-inflicted.


Hey! I don’t think that puppy was really sitting there on that table. Something looks fishy. He does look a lot like his owner though.

And since that guy says he’s hungry, he looks like he’s expecting someone to nestle a big submarine sandwich right down into his hands.


Ahhh, screw it, history is increasingly written not by the winners but by the whiners.


History in this country has been written not by the winners but by the whiners ever since the losers in the Civil War managed to get the Union’s efforts at building a first-world society from the ashes of their feudalist culture portrayed as teh evil reconstruction (and these same people were blind-sided by how Iraqis would take our ‘liberation’ and ‘reconstruction’ their country? WTF?).


I would just like to point out that I am not Dr BLT. I do enjoy pie, but in the normal sort of way.


Have a second helping of “delicious pie” if you wish. I don’t mind being experienced as annoying. It sure beats being ignored.

You don’t get the joke.


The good doctor doesn’t get any jokes that were not written by Mallard Fillmore.


Blue Buddha, Thompson is Senator Spongemop.


As the line in this song goes…

Future 2 Behold

Some things are better left unsaid,
and I would add…
Some jokes are better left un-got 🙂

You’ll have to excuse me, I’ve never claimed to be the sharpest tool in the shed, only the second or third sharpest.


Ah, yes, the truth comes out. You just cannot trust the voters. That’s why you need people like Kathleen Harris and Kenneth Blackwell.

The Dark Avenger

Why does this guy remind me of Jeff Corwin?


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