So if we moved the troops to someplace with a better climate like, oh I don’t know, lets just say Italy, we could be fighting the terrorist there instead of here.

That should clear things up for the 28% of America who are still confused.

Oddly, this won’t affect the huge numbers of people who have been convinced by Faux News that Iraq was responsible for the WTC attack.

She’s brilliant. Next up: It’s not a war on poverty. It’s a war on the poverty stricken.

Let us hope she isn’t catering her own wedding.

Or planning her own wedding. She’s not to big on being specific, or giving examples.

You left out the best part!

The people in the media are exactly like the people in the media in the comic series Spider-man: they hate and villanize heroes. In the comic strip, it is Spiderman, but in real life it is men and women fighting for our very right to exist.

Plus, they all sport bizarre two-tone buzz-cuts and Tom Selleck mustaches.

I say it’s a War OF Iraq, which we are helping to peacify amongst.

Let us hope she isn’t catering her own wedding.

No cake, but the happy couple will feed each other bites of mayonnaise casserole.

The people in the media are exactly like the people in the media in the comic series Spider-man

Isn’t Spiderman in the media in Spiderman?

Amber Pawlik was one of the early experimental prototypes of the Megan McArdle blogbot, right? The one that went horribly awry, destroying the lab and escaping into the sewers, leaving a trail of slime and mayonnaise?

“Let’s make something clear: we are NOT at war with Iraq. The war with Iraq ended FOUR years ago. Baghdad was toppled within weeks of invading Iraq. Hussein is dead. We aren’t at war with Iraq. We are at war IN Iraq and the enemies are Islamic terrorists.”

Well THAT makes all the difference! I am now fully convinced that we are indeed winning.

It sounds like one of those exercises we did in seventh grade when learning the list of prepositions.

We’re not IN, we’re ABOUT! ABOVE! ABOARD! war with Iraq.

Sayeth Amber: The people in the media are exactly like the people in the media in the comic series Spider-man: they hate and villanize heroes.

The people on the right are exactly like the people in the comic series Spiderman: they hate and villanize whole populations.

You all are slipping. It’s sad that SN! didn’t even make the enemies or foes list in the “About Me” section of her blog. Who has an “enemies” list now anyway? That is so early 1970’s.

correction:

the people on the right hate and villanize whole populations, so STFU Amber.

I love the people who want to kill us, but I’m just not in love with the people who want to kill us.

Y’know, we just haven’t heard enough lately from/about/with/on Bananafish Sand Boners, who has this to say about Amber: “Myself and other Iranian political activists would like to congradulate you on your insight, interest and depth of perspicacity when it comes to the idiot Mullahs . . . “ (From Amber’s blog’s “about me” section.)

Ah, the recipes. Thanks, Clif. With ingredients like these, perhaps we can all become impressive cookers like Amber:

a bag of hashbrowns (Oneida or whatever they sell at the store, they only come in one size)

1 thing of cookie dough from the store

Of course, not all of these ingredients are in the same recipe. But the remarkable thing about Amber’s recipes is that they could be.

Hash browns with Italian seasoning and cookie dough? Mmmmmmm . . .

My Wedding Plans, by Amber Pawlik

1) In a church or someplace like that

2) We say some things to each other

3) music or something plays

4) drink a thing of champagne

5) have stuff to eat

6) Go on honeymoon somewhere

Y’know, since the Poor Man seems to be down for the count, maybe S, N! could host some variant of the Golden Winger awards?

Dunno why, this post made me think of it for some reason.

What IS Italian seasoning?

Uncle Mike said,

January 3, 2008 at 1:00

My Wedding Plans, by Amber Pawlik

1) In a church or someplace like that

2) We say some things to each other

3) music or something plays

4) drink a thing of champagne

5) have stuff to eat

6) Go on honeymoon somewhere

Invite some people. Send out invitations on some paper. Wedding will be held on some weekend. Eh, whatever.

Fozzetti said,

January 3, 2008 at 1:08

What IS Italian seasoning?

It’s got stuff… y’know, green stuff that smells nice.

Oh sorry, was still channeling Amber.

Italian seasoning is a generic blend of different spices, usually basil, oregano, sage and rosemary. Could vary on who makes it.

What IS Italian seasoning?

It comes in a jar. Duh. I have a whole thing of it.

Invite some people. Send out invitations on some paper.

I can’t remember exactly what we decided the pieces of paper would say but everyone tells me that they’ll be sweet and funny and just the best ever and once you’ve read them you’ll never be able to read another one in the same way.

/Amber

You guys are no Former Reagan Friend and Advisor, who knows what an Amber Pawlink is good for.

Check out Amber’s cheesy hash browns. (Is there nothing these people can’t find a way to cheeto up?)

Get a bag of hashbrowns (Oneida or whatever they sell at the store, they only come in one size) and put the hashbrowns in a casserole dish. Slice up 16 oz. of velveeta cheese in relatively small chunks. Put in 2 cups of mayo. Mix it around. Bake at 350 degrees for an hour, stirring every 15 minutes. If you cut the cheese up really really small and stir frequently, you might be able to make it in 45 minutes. Just look at it, if it looks like the cheese is melted, it is done.

mayo and velveeta mixed around! BLAAAAAAAAAAAACH. This is a recipe a bulimic might go for because you’d surely want to vomit afterward.

Amber’s Recipe for Postnuptial Child:

1 thing of Daddy juice
1 Mommy egg
1 CD of soft rock classics

All you do is have the newly-minted groom gyrate with the lovely bride to the CD. By the time Richard Marx is singing “Right Here Waiting”, the Daddy juice will be incorporated with the Mommy egg. In roughly nine months, you will have one thing of baby.

Amber Pawlik writes like this woman talks.

Huh, my comment about Utah’s pride – Funeral Potatoes – seems to have been et. Much like said potatoes at Utahn funerals.

Ver’ weird state I come from, so it is.

One last try – the Hash Brown recipe reminds me of a cherished bit of Utah cuisine: Funeral Potatoes.

http://saltlakecity.about.com/od/regionalfood/r/funeralpotatoes.htm

Linking to that with an actual link seems to make my comments disappear – so maybe soon there’ll be three comments about them here.

So yeah – polygamy, magic undies, and funeral potatoes. The Three Pillars of Utah culture. (There’s a fourth – Green Jello with carrot shavings – but you really only need three, really).

From Amber Pawlik’s insightful analysis of the mortgage crisis:

…let me throw in my voice before insanity runs amok.

Well, you’re too late. Insanity is already running amuck. It’s supposed to run amuck. I mean, what the hell good would insanity be if it just sat around picking its nose all day ?

“Let me throw in my voice” almost makes sense. If she’s at a Ventrilquists’ convention. Do they have Ventrilquists’ conventions? I’d like to go, if they do.

I’m sure this news is a huge fucking relief to the Iraqis. “Don’t worry honey, they’re not shooting at us, they’re – [bang!] aaaah!!”

All I know is that this Ka-razy Kat Lady is advocating mixing ranch dressing mix with mayonaise as a pizza sauce?

I just puked a little in my mouth.

I read the “recipies” and have come to the conclusion that Amber is actually Rachel Ray. Also I’d probably NOT hit her boyfriend.

What IS Italian seasoning?

Dried, finely ground Italians . . .

I just love the all-brand-name recipe thing. It must take a lifetime of concentration to reach that sub-basement level of vapid where you think it actually fucking matters whether your pasteurized processed shredded cheese food product is made by Sargento or not. And then, for the piece de resistance, you get one of the brand names wrong (yes, let’s use tater-tots made by a famous silverware manufacturer, that’ll be yummy).

Hash browns with Italian seasoning and cookie dough? Mmmmmmm . . .

Wrong kind of “hash”, you dirty hippie!

Brown hash?

Do you suppose her boyfriend has a thing of cookie dough?

Heh heh heh.

/butthead….

mikey

Also I’d probably NOT hit her boyfriend.

If I had a hammer…

You mean to tell me someone is going to marry a woman who cooks like that?

I want to scratch from my brain what I imagined her Stuffed Shells taste like. Not to mention the Veggie Pizza. (Crescent rolls, miracle whip, cream cheese and ranch dressing?? WTF?? Has this woman even tasted pizza before?)

And then, for the piece de resistance, you get one of the brand names wrong (yes, let’s use tater-tots made by a famous silverware manufacturer, that’ll be yummy).

I think, although I’m only guessing, that she uses STAINLESS tater-tots. Sterling is beyond her reach.

Does she have a brussels sprouts recipe?

P.S.

Lesley said,

Amber Pawlik writes like this woman talks.

Oh, Lesley...

The MOAD:

MOAD – Mother of All Desserts.
I didn’t have a name for this dessert, so my boyfriend’s friend named it the Mother of All Desserts. It is. Make sure to get a big glass of milk.

Forgive me, but I don’t have exact measurements for this recipe. Get a circle baking pan. Cook the cookie dough as a layer, for the amount of time the wrapper says to cook for large cookies. Mix the cream cheese (let it sit out for a little for ease) and sugar. I usually make the mistake of not putting enough sugar in. There probably is an exact amount you should put in, but I don’t know it. Keep stirring until saturation is my recommendation. Then, make the chocolate pudding with half and half instead of milk. I don’t know the exact size of the half n’ half. Get the size that the box would ordinarily call for if you were using milk. When the cookie dough comes out, spread the cream cheese mix over it. Then pour the pudding on top. LET REFRIGERATE FOR A LITTLE BIT. It really is better when cool. Cool it for about 2 hours, should be good.

OhMyGawd!!!!

Then we have Miracle Whip and ranch dressign galore…

You know, this might be a Good Thing…. They’ll all keel over from diabetes and heart disease, and hopefully not have time to spawn….

Cheers,

“Of course, nothing ever completely disappears from Teh Intertubes, does it?”

Yes, it would be easy to believe that TBogg accidentally misplaced the very last response to his posting about the Muslim shrine conspiracy. The response that reveals all in the final chapter. That it was Colonel Mustard in the kitchen with the candlestick.

But, since nothing ever completely disappears, the only realistic conclusion we can arrive at is that TBogg is intentionally concealing that response in order to drive the conspiracy theorists insane. How sadistic is that?

Blaargh. That isn’t cooking, that’s anarchy in the kitchen.

I wonder if she knows her bf calls it the Mother of all Desserts because every time he sees her lugging a “thing of cookie dough from the store” (as opposed to the morgue) he thinks “Mother fucker, not that shit again.”

I would make a joke, but this being my first visit to the online SPAM museum, I had no idea what an absolutely hallucinatory experience it was.

From a SPAM Fan poem:

Hungry Loins

Liz Johnson

Smooth, cool, packaged meat.Pass thy shape between these lips.Ecstasy has come.

Should read as:

—————————————-
Hungry Loins
Liz Johnson

Smooth, cool, packaged meat.

Pass thy shape between these lips.

Ecstasy has come.
—————————————-

You mean to tell me someone is going to marry a woman who cooks like that?

I’m kind of betting that proposed hubby to be hasn’t tasted her kitchen delights yet, thats only going to happen a couple of years down the road.

I’m always intrigued by folks that put there musical choices up on teh intertubes and what it says about them, our Amber’s favorites are; “Shania Twain, The Eagles, Santana”. Twain figures; vapid, tuneless rock for mindless fools. But the Eagles and Santana, has she listened to the lyrics, or does she just like playing air guitar in her nighty?

Arne Langsetmo said,

January 3, 2008 at 4:02

The MOAD:

MOAD – Mother of All Desserts.

…etc…

I like the “precision” of her ingredients: 1 thingy of cookie dough, I dunno how much sugar, and I dunno how much milk. There’s probably some exact amount… but who cares?

It’s funny how someone so opinionated about everything is completely vague when it comes to something practical. These two things seem to be related to each other.

It’s funny how someone so opinionated about everything is completely vague when it comes to something practical. These two things seem to be related to each other.

Why, it calls to mind a Rumsfeld!

Lordy be praised….

mikey

You make dessert with the ingredients you have, not the ingredients you wish you had.

This woman’s reicpes reminds me of my last morning in the Bonin Islands. We woke up to discover one of our roommates got hammered and felt the need to cook every noodle in the room: Spaghetti, udon, and soba. Three whole packages. And he emptied a bottle of soy sauce into the wok (he cooked it all in a wok as opposed to a pot). Apparently, that much soy sauce is dangerous (some Japanese have committed suicide by drinking bottles of soy sauce). Thank god he didn’t actually eat anything. He woke up and barely remembered doing it.

I had Nachos in a Sports Bar in Portland once – it had chili sauce on it.. I lapsed into my southern accent and asked them if they had heard of Tabasco, Dave’s or even if they just had a jalapeno pepper rolling around on the floor.

Is this a regular occurance in Portland, chili sauce on Nachos? The McTarnahans was good, but come on.

To neatly wrap up this…she put ranch seasoning in her hamburger meat.

Too much work, Amber.
Lasagna: buy a thing of lasagna. Voila!

Jesus Crap!! Compare her recipes (& this may be why they’re no longer available on her site) to this statement from her site:

To live a life as a producer, you must have a fit and healthy body. Not being physically fit or having various injuries will obviously detract from your productivity. Here is a section of my website dedicated to the proper nutrition, maintenance and fitness of the human body.

A lrttle hard to reconcile w/ “pour a lotta junk you bought at the supermaket into a bowl & cook it for a while.” Of course anyone who wants to live life as a producer is an idiot to begin w/. And just how productive is “an Operations Research Analyst?” Sounds more like an informant/rat/squealer/fink/stoolie/corporate suck-up to me.

Or just the cut-rate version of M. McArdle. (And it’s hard to discount her!)

Why, what’s this here on the floor? Oh, it’s just a split hair.

At least the Randbot girl I dated could cook. OMG, what a moron.

I’m always intrigued by folks that put there musical choices up on teh intertubes and what it says about them, our Amber’s favorites are; “Shania Twain, The Eagles, Santana”. Twain figures; vapid, tuneless rock for mindless fools. But the Eagles and Santana, has she listened to the lyrics, or does she just like playing air guitar in her nighty?

Yeah, ’cause the fucking Eagles are so fucking highbrow. Fucking country-western Monkees. And fuck, Santana has written like two songs in his whole goddamn life.

cuisine du parc du trailer

Way to make fighting the cultural fetishes of flyover country reaction into class warfare, fuckballs. >8E

To clear up my inscrutable ejaculation – the thing is that inedible, inexplicable food like the kind described here is a factor of economic necessity a lot of the time. Defiantly sticking to it is basically pretending that class doesn’t exist, constructing an ethnicity out of regional deprivation, and so on. And, of course, there are the cases like this one where you kind of have to wonder if it’s a case of sticking to trailer-park authenticity or just aping it, like so many day-tripper leftists do with the precious little starving African peoples.

In short, the extent to which what this woman does is cuisine au parc des trailers is that she’s pretending to be a real authentic midwesterner. It’d be like Oshry drinking herself into a stupor with Mad Dog — no, pardon me, that’s for negroes Islamofascists, the sworn enemy of any good Jew — drinking herself into a stupor with Steel Reserve or Pabst or some other shit beer and then you joining her in pretending she was some kind of jes-folks little-American.

The problem with W isn’t that he clears brush on his ranch like a stupid cowboy. The problem with W is that he’s a wealthy frat-boy whose patronizing burlesque of the workaday life of an economically marginal group gets passed along as Authentic. If W were a stupid cowboy he’d never be President — hell, he wouldn’t even have had a chance at having a cocaine problem. Just meth.

And, statistically speaking, he’d be dead by now.

USA! USA! USA!

I see she’s an Industrial Engineer (IE) ~ a field devoted “to make processes more efficient, to make products more manufacturable and consistent in their quality, and to increase productivity.” (cribbed by this lazy civil engineer from Wiki). At school, we called them Imaginary Engineers because they didn’t do any actual engineering.

Seeing her lazy & hideous recipes convinces me that we were right about IE’s. They are the education majors of the technical realms.

Those recipes aren’t trailer trash so much as lazy college student. No trailer trash would buy Sargento cheese. It’s got a filthy I-talian name.

Seanly said,

January 3, 2008 at 16:24

I see she’s an Industrial Engineer (IE) ~ a field devoted “to make processes more efficient, to make products more manufacturable and consistent in their quality, and to increase productivity.” (cribbed by this lazy civil engineer from Wiki). At school, we called them Imaginary Engineers because they didn’t do any actual engineering.

Seeing her lazy & hideous recipes convinces me that we were right about IE’s. They are the education majors of the technical realms.

Sort of like architects are to civil engineers (I have a degree in CE as well 😉 ). Sure, it’s good to make buildings look aesthetically pleasing, because otherwise everything would be gray boxes. But when an architect’s ideas are so out there that they severely sacrifice functionality (Frank Lloyd Wright’s buildings often fell apart) or context (ie: anything built by Frank Gehry), you have to question the ability of that person.

At school, we called them Imaginary Engineers because they didn’t do any actual engineering…They are the education majors of the technical realms.

Ouch. I’d never heard of Industrial Engineers before, having been on the software side all these years and not paying much attention to anything outside my immediate surroundings.

“to make processes more efficient, to make products more manufacturable and consistent in their quality, and to increase productivity.”

So… they recommend layoffs, outsourcing, and lobbying for deregulation of product safety standards?

Sort of like architects are to civil engineers …

My sister in law is a CE and her opinion of architects is identical to yours. Seems like every (real) engineering job has some kind of foil like that – I guess mine would be the marketing people who promise a bunch of features to customers and then come back and tell the programming team about them, usually by saying “Ah, would it be any trouble to add feature X?”

Wait a minute. This woman has a recipe for “VEGGIE PIZZA”! Does this not make her part of the international liberal fascist conspiracy to force sovereign Americans to eat good like the communist Europeans, what with their good health, relative happiness, and ample vactation time? Of course, this is central to my point.

This is awesome too:

“I have a good [recipe] for meatball subs, too, but I never actually made them yet to be able to type it out.”

The fuck does that mean?

I ain’t the only liberal CE? Praise Jeebus!

About those recipes: she must know something if she eats that much mayo/miracle whip & is still able to ambulate.

Sam ~ yes, IE’s do truly exist. They aren’t so much into the human end of ‘efficiency’ (like the Bobs in Office Space) more on the layout of machinery, distance from one machine to another.

I am actually a structural engineer who design bridges. Since the roadway engineers are fellow CE’s it’s pretty hard to hate on them, misguided though they may be. My foil tends to be the contractors who can’t read a drawing or specs to save their life.

“This woman has a recipe for “VEGGIE PIZZA”!”

Yeah, veggie pizza with fucking Miracle Whip in it. Not to mention cream cheese and ranch dressing. This does sound like drunk college-kid food. “Dude, I was so stoned and fucked up, I just poured everything in the fridge into a pan, baked it until it was hot and ate it!”

No wonder she removed these from her site. Beyond revolting.

Re, industrial engineers:

As a grad student, it was recommended (quite a good recommendation too) I take a course in combinatorial optimization / network flows. The course I took was also a course that IE grad students could take to fulfill one of their requirements, so, even though it was a Computer Sci. course, about half the class were IE students.

The IE students were almost all (if you’ll pardon my sexism) petite, lithe women who seemed to be entering the field because their main desire in life was to boss around big burly assembly line workers.

They aren’t so much into the human end of ‘efficiency’ (like the Bobs in Office Space) more on the layout of machinery, distance from one machine to another.

Oh, ok. From the sound of it, that’s interesting and necessary sort of stuff, though it surprises me that there’s an entire engineering discipline built around it (though if the IE folks are all that fluffy, that would explain just how deep a discipline it is). Lately I tend to hear “productivity” as a code word for “fire lots of people and force those remaining to work unpaid overtime”.

I was suddenly reminded of Dan Quayle’s recipe for the Indiana Whiz Baloney sandwich, as printed in the National Lampoon. It sounded right up Amber’s alley.

Unfortunately, when I went looking for the recipe to share, I found this, and realized that the magazine that printed that column is now “one of the leading brands in comedy for over 35 years” with stock market ticker NLN, and gears its product to Amber, and those just like her.

National Lampoon was pretty much angling for that from the get-go. It’s just that, like SNL, they used to actually give a shit about what they did.

It used to be you actually had to provide a worthwhile service to be a corporate juggernaut, see.

Mmm. I sure love me some Coke Classic Zero.

“[IEs] aren’t so much into the human end of ‘efficiency’ (like the Bobs in Office Space) more on the layout of machinery, distance from one machine to another.”

No one would let a chick that stupid near machinery with moving conveyor belts, because she’s invariably an OSHA disaster waiting to happen. So we’re basically talking about interior design with stuff like Hobarts (Dishwashers) and commercial stoves, or cubicle arrangements? Give me a break. Most office managers worth their salt can figure that stuff out.

So we’re basically talking about interior design with stuff like Hobarts (Dishwashers) and commercial stoves, or cubicle arrangements? Give me a break. Most office managers worth their salt can figure that stuff out.

Having worked in offices, I strongly disagree.

Did you see that her nachos recipe comes with a WARNING?!

WARNING: You will never be able to order nachos at a restaurant or bar ever again, as they simply won’t measure up to the ones you can make at home.

The other recipes do not carry warnings. Perhaps that’s why she took the recipe page down?

I’m surprised no one has mentioned the great Jean Teasdale. She and Amber must have been separated at birth. Actually, Jean is the more accomplished prose stylist, er, I mean, thingy with making words go together good.

http://www.theonion.com/content/columnists/view/teasdale

As evidence, here’s an excerpt from Jean’s latest:

“Finally, after weeks and weeks of wishing and hoping and planning and dreaming, Jeansperience ’07 is happening this Saturday! Needless to say, I’m soooo excited to meet some of my biggest fans and give them a first-ever opportunity to experience the places in my life as well as get to know me personally! And if you’re still kicking yourself for not signing up by the Aug. 30 deadline, take heart (and tie a pillow around your sore rear!)—there’s still several seats available in the van I’ve chartered! And I’m still not sure whether Bobbi, Mr. Benedict, and this friend of my buddy Fulgencio who likes to wear eyeliner have entirely committed.”

Now compare that to the real Amber:
“The problem with nutrition today, the reason why most Americans are clueless about what is healthy or is not healthy, is every single new fad diet that comes out and every single new piece of conflicting information about what is healthy or not healthy, which creates confusion over what is food is healthy. The illusion is that there is no right or wrong way to eat; that what is healthy today won’t be healthy tomorrow; that nutrition is a mysterious, mystical world. For some people, this irrationality brings confusion and frustration. For others, it provides an excuse. This article sets out to bring rationality to the world of nutrition. Indeed, I remember when I was a teenager, I read that Cindy Crawford said part of her diet was to eliminate bread. This baffled and confused me because I thought that bread was a good food, as opposed to candy, cake, etc. I gave up learning about diet from then no. I have now returned to it.”

I rest my case.

WARNING: You will never be able to order nachos at a restaurant or bar ever again, as you will tear your tounge out and beat it with a rock if you eat mine.

HVK, I am soo disturbed that I instantly recognized “Jean’s” name.

Must. Get. Life.

I read the “recipies” and have come to the conclusion that Amber is actually Rachel Ray.

I think you mean Sandra “Why yes, Corn Nuts ARE a cake topping!” Lee.

Blaargh. That isn’t cooking, that’s anarchy in the kitchen.

Not even. It’s vandalism.

I spent many years as an IE, though I think it’s important to note that my degree is in Mechanical Engineering, so I am capable of real engineering work. My IE work consisted mostly of firing people…sorry, “optimizing resources”. Still, it was better than my stint designing air navigation systems for F-18s so they could more accurately kill brown people on the other side of the planet.

I ended up leaving engineering entirely (though I keep my license up to date), and going to art school instead. I make less money, but sleep easier at night.

Hell, I’ve never thought of the occupation of Iraq as a war either, a war is when two armies are fighting.

Hey, Amber, I know you’re reading this— why didn’t you ever go sign up for the war you helped monger? You said you were going to enlist.

Could it be just because you’re just another GOP chickenshit like THESE PEOPLE?

Military Service Eligible Children of George W. Bush

Jenna Bush
Barbara Bush

Military Service Eligible Children of Jeb Bush

George P. Bush
Noelle Bush
John Ellis Bush Jr.

Military Service Eligible Children of Neil Bush

Lauren Bush
Pierce Bush

Military Service Eligible Children of Marvin Bush

Marshall Bush

Military Service Eligible Children of Dorothy Bush Koch

Samuel LeBlond
Ellie LeBlond