A Pastor Swank Holiday Moment Of Faith
God-evolution debate won’t quit
[…]
It takes a lot of faith to believe that I came from an amoeba. A lot of faith!
Faith bolstered. Tune in next time for another affirming message from our Wordsworth of Windham, as he… Oh wait, there’s more:
It’s a crazy world we live in. Crazier every day. But one of the craziest notions that ever came down the pike is evolution. Who in his right mind would ever believe that the complicated homo sapien derived from a speck? That’s getting the larger from the smaller.
Much like that crazy notion about sperm and egg cells supposedly growing into babies, and then into full-sized people.
When I was in school, we were taught that one of the fundamental postulates is that one cannot get the greater from the smaller. Yet that is what evolution is all about — greater from the smaller. Now that’s a crock.
Hmmm:
Above: Norman Podhoretz, Midge Decter, John “Bonfire of the Manatees” Podhoretz
Granted, this evolutionary progression violates several rules of nature. Then again, we’re not sure the Laws of Thermodynamics are literally among them.
Also, it depends on what sense of the word ‘greater’ you mean.
Evolution is furthermore an insult to the intelligent brain.
As opposed to the Banana Theory:
That’s why the world is crazy when the so-called intelligentsia defend this notion called “evolution.” The PhDs do that. The professors do that. The textbook writers and so forth do that. They all get in their clique and stroke one another
Why does every single Swank column have a line like this? Um, as soon as we get a certain Cole Porter song out of our heads, I suppose we must once again invoke the Banana Theory.
with this Alice from Wonderland fancy that we all came from a speck.
Then they throw in the Big Bang Whatever. This complicated universe and planet Earth just blew into place. There’s another nuthouse one for you.
A nuthouse one — like the Peanut Butter Theory?
Yes, the world is crazy. And getting crazier still.
On this we can rely.
You can’t fool Pastor Swank! People are born fully formed and fully grown! From cabbage leaves, the way God intended!
Don’t try to confuse me with the facts! My mind’s made up!
Are the two YouTube videos showing up on the page, btw?
You know what else?
Teh Stork!
Explain that one? If sex leads to babies, EXPLAIN THE STORK!!!1!
you’ve been pnwed!!!
Now they are.
Yes, Descartes used that old “Greater cannot come from the lesser” to PROOVE God’s existence. I said to the teacher “That would mean (in his view) that women (the lesser) cannot give birth to the greater (men). He told me i was Sophomoric and to sit down.
Now The Swankster is at it. “I think, therefore God created me.’ Huh.
It’s cabbage leaves, and you know it! Storks are heresy!
(I don’t like storks. They wet their nests.)
Jesus puts babies under cabbage leaves. You think he’d entrust them to an untrustworthy and gay-friendly bird like a stork?! HAW HAW HAW, Michael Moore is fat!
The fact is, you liberals are just hurling insults instead of using logic and facts and reasoned discourse because you have pwned. You believe in silly things that do not exist. We believe in God, and there is lots of proof He exists. So there.
The fact is, Michael Moore IS fat. This invalidates anything he says.
It takes a lot of faith to believe the stuff in the bible, starting at page 1. Why is it so hard to have faith in evolution, which is backed up by a lot of evidence, where the bible isn’t?
If you didn’t know how cakes were made, you might scoff when told a bowl of batter would , in a few hours time, be a yummy treat. But if you stuck around and observed, you’d be convinced. No faith needed at all! Just like Evolution. (More sophomoric observations- boy that still smarts after 25 years)
The PhDs do that. The professors do that. The textbook writers and so forth do that. They all get in their clique and stroke one another with this Alice from Wonderland fancy…
Now I understand why the competition for academic jobs is so fierce. Everybody wants to get in the clique and get stroked.
The PhDs do that. The professors do that. The textbook writers and so forth do that. They all get in their clique and stroke one another with this Alice from Wonderland fancy…
—
The fact is, liberals are not fond of reality. The more educated you are, the more out of touch you are. Here in the heartland, we look at hard work and loyalty to your family and country as more important than book learning. Most of “education” today is merely liberal indoctrination and I am sick of having to pay for it with my taxes.
It takes a lot of faith to believe that I came from an amoeba.
I have no trouble believing it at all — not about Swank, anyway! In fact, I’m pretty sure he came from it just last week.
Happy Holidays to everyone at Sadly, No! I just love you guys, love hangin’ out here and pretending like I’m part of the cool kidz gang. Thanks for bein’ you!
Oh — and Merry Christmas!
Yeah, I said it! I said it and I meant it!
The Bible doesn’t have to be backed up by evidence. The Bible IS evidence.
I don’t know why you liberals get all het up by the Bible because you have your own Holy Book, the Darwin book.
But as it says in the good book:
Atheist Liberals. Hmf.
When I was in school, we were taught that one of the fundamental postulates is that one cannot get the greater from the smaller.
Shorter Swank: “Judaism? Never heard of it.”
Could we please lay off on the Heartland stuff until we find a troll who acts like he knows something about it? Saul and Gary are just lame, and very insulting to actual Heartland people.
People from the Heartland – like me – can speak for themselves.
Please stop acting like people from the Heartland are stupid. (This goes for Mike Huckabee as well.)
But one of the craziest notions that ever came down the pike is evolution.
But believing bats are birds or that stepping over a stick changes goat genes? Not crazy!
Exactly. And if babies come from sperm, why is there still sperm?
Actually I’m not 100% sure there’s still sperm. Let me go check and make sure.
When I was in school, we were taught that one of the fundamental postulates is that one cannot get the greater from the smaller.
Which is why the mighty oaks from small acorns do not grow.
there are intelligent persons who know that Charles Darwin’s theory is full of holes. Large holes. Extra large holes.
Darwin never anticipated the evolution of wingnuts.
Jeez, Norm and Midge are a great looking couple….
AAAAIAIIAEEEEEE !
“Why does every single Swank column have a line like this?”
The Right opposes pedophilia, straight group sex, rubber fetishes, bathroom homos, illegitimate children, and lying about adultery. (Just ask them.) One must know thine enemies, which is why they spend every hour of every day thinking about nothing else.
If the earth and sun formed from gas and dust, why does the solar system still contain gas and dust? If the Iron Age ended, why do we still use iron? And, to cross-polinate, if we defeated liberal fascism in the Second World War, how could anyone write a book about liberal fascists?
If Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers came from Gainesville, why is there still Gainesville?
Actually, there’s a great deal of quality scholarship that argues that Descartes was being ironic in his proof of God, and in fact wanted to demonstrate that reason cannot justify faith.
In fact, in the intro to the text containing the proof, D mentions that circular proofs aren’t acceptable. Then, he uses one.
Swank id not smert,
Nor am I, using commas and repeating in fact in consecutive sentences.
In my defense, I’m typing one handed, with a half asleep kitten pawing at my neck.
I know the first refers to kosher laws, but what this about goat genes?
If “you and I” had conducted all these peanut butter experiments for, say, 30 years, it might not be conclusive. But we’ve been doing it for almost ONE HUNDRED YEARS. We know this is true because the man said it is.
What more proof do you need? Life cannot emerge from a jar of peanut butter. Period. And when Darwin said that it did, he was being a liberal fascist, and fat.
QED
If the US evolved from England, why is there still an England?
Yes, the world is crazy. And getting crazier still.
Slightly above and to the right of this statement is “I want you to help build a border fence.”
Yes, it’s me, Dr BLT, not a poser like Troll, the Ancient Yuletide Carol 🙂 Last year you posted You’re not the Kinda Ho that Santa Left Behind, and this year, others, like this site:
http://berkeleyplace.wordpress.com/2007/12/22/the-three-days-of-christmas-day-one/#comment-16183
Is following in your wake, putting the song on the verge of becoming an underground Christmas classic. So this year, I’ve come bearing gifts. Here is a sneak preview of the rap version:
http://www.drblt.net/music/HoRapDemo2.mp3
Love this post!
MERRY CHRISTMAS! HO! HO! HO!
That rules out the possibility of boners.
If you didn’t know how cakes were made, you might scoff when told a bowl of batter would , in a few hours time, be a yummy treat.
I am, in fact, going to test that hypothesis overnight tonight. In an office raffle, I won what I am told by mouth-witnesses to be a pan of the authentic heartland’s finest homemade cinammon rolls. I received them frozen and I have to set them out to rise tonight. I hope that Swank is way wrong (although Swank is right in regard to my own homemade cookies).
I cannot get past the 20 second mark of that second video. I don’t care if it’s funny. It’s like the Ghost of Christmas Present pulling back his robe (no Swank, not so he and Scrooge can stroke one another) to reveal ignorance and want. Beware them both.
(ps: the home computer is taking 20 minutes to boot up but may make it thru the rest of the year. I just finished backing up my pics and letters so I’ll just drive it til the hard drive whacks itself to death).
“How could someone say the universe just came into being? It had to come from somewhere: God!”
“Then where did God come from?”
“Uh, he just, uh, came into being!”
I got to strike a blow in the war on Christmas today! It left me in a warm fuzzy mood.
I was at my grocery store, a locally owned grocery store in the midst of my quite liberal neighborhood, the last place I was really prepared for a Christofascist assault. i was in line to check out, my fifteen year old son in tow, and the checker – who I happen to know is a college Republican wannabe, if you can imagine something so sad – says, right after he asked if I wanted paper or plastic, “Do you celebrate Christmas?”
“What?” I asked, uncertain that I’d hear aright.
“Do you celebrate Christmas?’ repeated the smarmy dork.
“No, I don’t. I’m an atheist,” I replied clearly, and I’m afraid rather loudly. “And really happy about it,” I added, observing the harrassed facial expressions of shoppers and employees alike.
I wish I had a camera phone, and could have snapped a picture of his face. It was precious. He looked like he’d been slapped right in the old kisser. He pursed up his lips like a puckered anus and didn’t speak any more than was necessary for the rest of the transaction.
I must admit, my response wasn’t entirely true. I do celebrate the holiday, in a purely secular fashion. But I just knew he was going for the, “They don’t want me to say Merry Christmas because I might offend some godless sinner so I’m asking everybody blah blah blah.” Aaaah, holiday cheer.
I’m afraid Pastor Swank wouldn’t dig me at all.
I have no trouble believing it at all — not about Swank, anyway! In fact, I’m pretty sure he came from it just last week.
I’m more inclined to go with the Turnip Truck theory with Swank, and given that he doesn’t believe in deep cosmic history, he’d probably be the first to admit that he fell of fairly recently.
Um, serious philosophical question-type dealie. Does this make sense on any level?
I was wondering when you guys would jump on this. It’s nice that Pastor swank thinks of us enough to leave this present.
“one cannot get the greater from the smaller.”
Pastor Swank spooge –> .
The three spooges –> …
Ebeneezer Spooge –> .
“Then where did God come from?”
“What you have told us is rubbish. The world is really a flat plate supported on the back of a giant tortoise.” The scientist gave a superior smile before replying, “What is the tortoise standing on?” “You’re very clever, young man, very clever,” said the old lady. “But it’s turtles all the way down!”[1]
Merry Christmas, everyone.
Man is the animal who laughs.
And thanks to snorhagen for the boner joke, as it proves precisely everything I know about the Universe. Ya drew snot. Fabulous.
I also have to admit I found this, well, priceless:
The more educated you are, the more out of touch you are. Here in the heartland, we look at hard work and loyalty to your family and country as more important than book learning. Most of “education” today is merely liberal indoctrination and I am sick of having to pay for it with my taxes. So epic in its stupidity I can only assume you have a professional hired troll on hand to offer the sin of temptation.
I’m from the Heartland. And everyone I know is pretty fond of book learnin’.
*scratching Heartland nuts*
FlipYrWhig said:
“Um, serious philosophical question-type dealie. Does this make sense on any level?”
No, none what so ever. Pastor Swank is deeply confused and thinks the metaphysical statement that “One cannot derive the greater from the lesser” is referring to size. He is a very stupid man who can barely even write but manages to be employed teaching English somewhere (I think).
No.
My guess is that Swank is throwing out a really badly garbled version of the second law of thermodynamics, but it’s hard to be sure what he’s talking about.
I can’t get my drunk from the eggnog.
“Above: Norman Podhoretz, Midge Decter, John “Bonfire of the Manatees” Podhoretz”
Ya know, Midge sure looks an awful lot like Norman in drag. Have they ever been seen together? I’m just sayin’.
dBa, add more rum. That’s the ticket.
I despise eggnog, it’s like drinking pancake batter.
Sorry, Snorghagen, for giving you credit for a great joke and getting your handle wrong.
Not enough book learnin’, I reckon’. I hope you, God, and Pastor Skank will forgive me.
Great thanks and appreciation to all of you, for occupying and enriching the funniest place on the internet tubes. I’m sincere about my Christmas wishes, but in a most secular way.
Am I the only one for whom the Republicans have made hope like all get out that there IS a God?
Because Jesus would that be funny.
ghost points a bony finger at the state of education as it has become near the end of Huckabee’s second term in office. Swank peers in and says “So what’s wrong with that?” hereby sealing his fate of an eternity dragging the biggest baddest most ponderous chain of stupid that the afterworld has ever seen. finis.
That’s better…
also, wondering if Swank has ever done addition.
” . . . one cannot get the greater from the smaller.”
I’m pretty sure this one came from missus Swanksta.
John O –
If you mean do I wish folks like Richard “the Dick” Cheney would get the express trip to hell, courtesy of a vengeful god, then yes . . . yes I do.
Just one of his many sins that should get him a roasting.
There is no way that great gifts of snark-fodder like Swank and Pantload can arise through a purposeless soulless process from puny specks of humanity. They must represent the divine machinations of an intelligent designer!
Exactly, Candy.
No way does Cheney, or Rove, or any number of GOP God-thumpers actually believe. Bush it too stupid to know to question. Plus he came to Jesus in a hilarious way: His wife told him, “the bottle or me.”
I’m sort a “near-atheist,” since I consider any declarations about such shit to be the ravings of arrogance. If I had to bet the farm and the kids and the lungs and kidneys, my money would be on, “light’s out.”
But if there’s one thing I DO know, from my limited view of history, it’s that we don’t know shit about these things, and pretending otherwise is folly.
So, I retain hope, as I’ve done my best to be a good person, a giving person, and a kind person. Rove and Cheney and the Gang will hopefully rot in Hell.
Sadly, I doubt it.
Yeah, that’s why you have to add massive quantities of rum.
Have you ever noticed that while you add rum in large quantities, your glass never overflows?
dBa, you may have hit on a point that proves God exists! ZOMG! Alert Pastor Swank!
I’m a rum guy exclusively, demonically so.
But as a health nut, I use Diet Coke.
Eggnog is too much like having a bad cold to me. Never touched the stuff.
I assume santa’s not anywhere near the antipodes yet, and at best Bimler’s just had his coffee, but I’m well into teh scotch, yee hah
mikey
I’m into the codeine cough syrup this Xmas Eve, mikey, and it ain’t bad a’tall. I will need to be nodding soon. (Er, nodding, sleeping, tomayto tomahto.) My cough and chest pain have faded to a distant memory, and I feel pretty . . . cheerful.
Enjoy your scotch, rum & diet coke, eggnog, or whatever libation you’re imbibing, Sadlynaughts. We fought a brave war on Xmas, but it came anyway. So drink to whatever, and have a happy, peaceful time.
Slainte.
I base all my statements on Rush Limbaughs First and Second laws of Thermodynamics as well as some home experimentation.
In effect, you “can’t create something from nothing” (Law 1) and all that is created is “running down and wearing out” (Law 2), and if you follow that up with Swanks Postulate that “x + y is less than or equal to x + y”…
I think it’s say to say that you can’t in fact get drunk on Rum and pancake batter.
*safe to say…
And here’s even more proof… the guy in the first video is the resurrected Sonny Bono, sent back from Zion to reveal God’s banana handiwork to us all.
“When I was in school*, we were taught that one of the fundamental postulates is that one cannot get the greater from the smaller.”
*PS420, Ancient Greece. He had Mr. Plato for homeroom and Mr. Socrates for gym, and it really fucked him up.
It’s all family, all the time for me tomorrow, and I could’ve done it tonight but decided to stay at home and be a nerd, but I have a big, typically dysfunctional family save for one way: We enjoy each other’s company, a lot, and are able to make fun of the dysfunction. Laughter and good cheer and crazed toddlers abound.
It’s a Wonderful Life. (Yeah, I’m watching that, too. Can’t help it, at least once a season.)
Candy said,
“Yeah, that’s why you have to add massive quantities of rum.”
I don’t drink but if I did it would make no sense to me to ruin a good rum by putting it in some eggnog. When I did drink I usually preferred a good dry wine. Red or white didn’t matter much. Whiskey sour if we went that route.
My ex drank tequila + mountain dew which is every bit as nasty as it sounds.
And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: “How could it be so?
It came without ribbons! It came without tags!
“It came without packages, boxes or bags!”
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before!
“Maybe Christmas,” he thought, “doesn’t come from a store.
“Maybe Christmas…perhaps…means a little bit more!”
Maybe??
My puzzler is sore.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night…
mikey
bah humbug.
Merry Christmas to you, too, mikey.
I know instinctively those I want in the foxhole next to me, should I sadly ever be in one. Congratulations.
For me, it ain’t the solstice holiday without the movie Scrooge with the great Alastair Sim. I’ll fess up to liking It’s a Wonderful Life as well, although I really adored World ‘O Crap’s delicious takedown of the movie last year. I’m a sucker for holiday schmaltz. I even like Rudolph. (ducks)
HAHAHAHAHA!
I’m a rum guy exclusively, demonically so.
But as a health nut, I use Diet Coke.
I always laugh when I see people order that.
Once upon a time, I was taking a PepsiCo guy out for drinks because we were trying to talk to him into donating summer concert money to bring a band in for my college and I started to order a drink and I said “Give me a rum and” then I got this look and I said “pepsi”.
The guy about broke himself laughing, and he wound up giving us twice what we were asking for.
Candy, can I tell you a secret about that movie? It’s kind of a mood spoiler but it’s pretty funny.
Please do.
I’m a ridiculously sentimental ol’ sap, and I want to hear it too.
My next-door neighbor at work, a trained, professional opera singer, has an original movie poster signed by Zuzu.
Maybe it’s been fixed somehow in modern copies of Scrooge, but I have an old VHS copy.
I won’t tell you what to look for, but when Scrooge is full of joy and looking at himself in the mirror on Christmas morning, look at what else is in the mirror’s reflection. If you don’t see anything odd, it’s probably been cleaned up. If you do see something odd, you won’t thank me for pointing it out, lol.
I’ve never really paid attention, but I will next time. My version is, alas, the Ted Turner colorized version (but my mom, who’s gone now, recorded it for me in ’89, off WGN, with all the commercials intact, so it’s sentimentally and historically precious to me, what with the news announcement of Noriega seeking sanctuary in the Vatican and George HW doing a public service announcement). The fact that my partner, an occasional actor and full-time nitpicker, hasn’t noticed it leads me to believe that it’s been cleaned up.
Uh, did I lose which movie we were talking about?
Not that I don’t enjoy every version of Christmas Carol I’ve ever seen, even Bill Murray’s, but, huh?
If it is cleaned up, honor dictates you tell us what you saw.
The muppet version of “A Christmas Carol” is best. Followed by the George C. Scott 80s version. Call me an apostate, I don’t care.
The blooper that’s on my VHS version of Scrooge (Alastair Sim’s version) is that there is a studio tech with a crewcut and white business shirt who can’t quite get out of the reflection in the mirror. The scene goes to the mirror twice and he gets caught in the reflection both times. It kind of takes some of the wind out of the sails of the victorian setting.
cleter, you heretic. Scrooge is the only version. Prepare to face the wrath of the One True Carol!
Seriously, I love George C. Scott’s version too. Sadly, I have to say, I’m not a big muppet fan. In my defense, I’ll say it’s probably because I used to do costumed baloon delivery for a theatrical shop, and wearing the big bird costume in 100 degree Iowa heat and humidity made me despise muppets. We are, after all, shaped by our experiences.
We are, after all, shaped by our experiences.
Indeed we are.
And from a certain perspective, there just isn’t all the much else to it.
Thanks Ed! There he is at 1:14 at the lower left corner of the mirror. Looks like they cleaned it up a little but you can still see the tech’s reflection in the first visit to the mirror. Didn’t see him on the second visit.
On the other hand, the belly dancer and playboy bunny costumes were cool and comfy, but I never became a belly dancing or playboy bunny enthusiast.
I am going to the land of sugar plums and weird codeine dreams now, so I will wish you all a Merry Merry and a Happy Happy. Sweet dreams.
and a Happy Merry Merry to you too, Candy.
For what it’s worth, via the comments, the stage hand didn’t get fixed, he got colored in with the turner version.
Ed, he’s really very visible in the cheapy version that I’ve got. It’s not surprising at all that he got shaded out when the technology improved. It’s quite a shock to see the modern guy in the movie after getting so engrossed in the victorian setting.
I wouldn’t have touched that with a ten-foot poll in an editing room. I’d have walked out. To me it would be something akin to reworking the Frances and the Fairies. Actually that example is really close to what Lucas did with the original Star Wars and that certainly happened, but to me it is bordering on sacrilige.
Hysterical Woman – Genesis 37-42 “But Jacob got fresh branches from poplar, almond, and plane trees and peeled the bark, leaving white stripes on them. He stuck the peeled branches in front of the watering troughs where the flocks came to drink. When the flocks were in heat, they came to drink and mated in front of the streaked branches. Then they gave birth to young that were streaked or spotted or speckled.”
Ed, Are you talking about colorization in general or fixing bloopers after the fact?
gbear-I have it on DVD, and it’s still visible. Good for a laugh every year, at least after the eggnog’s been properly “thinned”…
Wow, good question.
I’d see the colorization as the lesser of two evils.
I feel the same way about ‘remastered’ records. Sometimes it makes things clearer, but the remastering often includes remixing that wrecks or at least changes the atmosphere of the original version. ‘Satisfaction’ by the Stones comes to mind.
May you all have good fortune, accept those fortunes that aren’t so great, and keep laughing. The Universe is unfolding as it will.
I’m out. Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year to all.
Y’all give me hope. Thank you, for that and the most precious human gift of all, laughs.
Since it’s seasonal, though somewhat dated….
“The Gingrich that Stole Christmas”
(With apologies to Dr. Seuss)
Every Rep down in Congress liked Clinton somewhat,
Except for the Gingrich, who simply did NOT!
He hated Bill Clinton! He hated his wife!
He vowed to torment them the rest of his life!
The Ging hated anyone left of the Huns,
He hated the wusses who didn’t like guns.
He hated the teachers who wouldn’t lead prayers,
He hated the people who’d tax millionaires!
He hated “McGoverniks” whining ’bout rights,
Like equal protection for gays and non-whites.
He hated the folks who said “Nicotine kills”
And vowed he would pass more pro-nicotine bills.
He hated the folks who said “Women need choice”
And vowed to give middle-aged males more voice.
But he hated the people on welfare much more;
He hated the way they were POOR POOR POOR!
He hated the way they had no jobs at all! And while she was whimpering he said, “By the way,
I’m leaving for somebody younger – hooray!!”
The Gingrich’s heart shrank two sizes that night.
And that could be what makes him so Christian Right.
Now, the night before Congress the Ging hatched his plans:
From now on he’d speak for, quote, “Normal Americans.”
Tax-slashers! That’s what those “Normal” folks lov!
He’d take to the skies and dismantle the gov!
He jumped out of bed and he summoned his pet:
A Doberman Pinscher who once killed a vet.
George was his name (as in Wallace, not Bush);
“Boy!” said the Gingrich, “We’re gonna whip tush!”
They flew to a soup kitchen, filled with sad “bums,”
Snatched up the kettle and stole all the crumbs.
They flew to a basketball game late at night
And shooed the kids out, to the dealers’ delight.
They unplugged mass transit and cried “Buy a car!”
Then chopped down a forest and chomped a cigar.
What bliss! What fun! What downright glee!
What joy! What yuks! What great TV!
The next day the Gingrich sat high above view
And looked down on Congress (as many folks do).
He wanted to relish the joy and the cheer
Of folks waking up to their first tax-free year.
He waited and waited and waited some more;
He waited to hear them cry “Newt! Take the floor!”
He waited for kudos and champagne free-flowing,
He waited for trumpets on high to start blowing.
But instead of rejoicing and hoopla, etc.,
He heard a strange rumble that made his palms sweat.
The people weren’t happy, not happy at all!
They ringed ’round the Statehouse! They filled up the hall!
They groused and they grumbled and cried, “We’re real mad!
We want all those costly old programs we had!
Give back our givebacks! Give back our pork!
Give back the stuff you walked off with, you dork!”
And the Gingrich sat simply quite stunned at the sight
Of Normal Americans, not left and not right.
They wanted clean air and they wanted green trees,
They wanted full coverage for medical fees,
They wanted nice schools and streets safe to play,
They wanted it all – they just didn’t want to pay!
And when the truth hit him, the Ging grinned a grin,
He laughed and he laughed till the tears ran down his chin.
The Clintons climbed up to the Dome, laughing too.
“Hee hee hee,” Bill and Hill laughed, “Hoo hoo hoo!”
They laughed with the cheer that comes from within,
They laughed with the knowledge: You just cannot win.
The Gingrich and Clintons now shared the same plight
Whatever they’d do, they could not do it right.
“Folks hate you,” said Bill, “once you land in D.C.
But I’ve got a plan: Let us bond, you and me.
We’ll work as a team, yes! That’s my advice!
We’ll listen and nod and make NICE NICE NICE!”
The Prez put his hand out, they hugged on the ledge…
And then that old Gingrinch pushed Bill off the edge.
Damn, don’t know what happened there…it dropped a few lines when I cut and pasted…in any case, here’s the unabridged version:
Every Rep down in Congress liked Clinton somewhat,
Except for the Gingrich, who simply did NOT!
He hated Bill Clinton! He hated his wife!
He vowed to torment them the rest of his life!
The Ging hated anyone left of the Huns,
He hated the wusses who didn’t like guns.
He hated the teachers who wouldn’t lead prayers,
He hated the people who’d tax millionaires!
He hated “McGoverniks” whining ’bout rights,
Like equal protection for gays and non-whites.
He hated the folks who said “Nicotine kills”
And vowed he would pass more pro-nicotine bills.
He hated the folks who said “Women need choice”
And vowed to give middle-aged males more voice.
But he hated the people on welfare much more;
He hated the way they were POOR POOR POOR!
He hated the way they had no jobs at all! And while she was whimpering he said, “By the way,
I’m leaving for somebody younger – hooray!!”
The Gingrich’s heart shrank two sizes that night.
And that could be what makes him so Christian Right.
Now, the night before Congress the Ging hatched his plans:
From now on he’d speak for, quote, “Normal Americans.”
Tax-slashers! That’s what those “Normal” folks lov!
He’d take to the skies and dismantle the gov!
He jumped out of bed and he summoned his pet:
A Doberman Pinscher who once killed a vet.
George was his name (as in Wallace, not Bush);
“Boy!” said the Gingrich, “We’re gonna whip tush!”
They flew to a soup kitchen, filled with sad “bums,”
Snatched up the kettle and stole all the crumbs.
They flew to a basketball game late at night
And shooed the kids out, to the dealers’ delight.
They unplugged mass transit and cried “Buy a car!”
Then chopped down a forest and chomped a cigar.
What bliss! What fun! What downright glee!
What joy! What yuks! What great TV!
The next day the Gingrich sat high above view
And looked down on Congress (as many folks do).
He wanted to relish the joy and the cheer
Of folks waking up to their first tax-free year.
He waited and waited and waited some more;
He waited to hear them cry “Newt! Take the floor!”
He waited for kudos and champagne free-flowing,
He waited for trumpets on high to start blowing.
But instead of rejoicing and hoopla, etc.,
He heard a strange rumble that made his palms sweat.
The people weren’t happy, not happy at all!
They ringed ’round the Statehouse! They filled up the hall!
They groused and they grumbled and cried, “We’re real mad!
We want all those costly old programs we had!
Give back our givebacks! Give back our pork!
Give back the stuff you walked off with, you dork!”
And the Gingrich sat simply quite stunned at the sight
Of Normal Americans, not left and not right.
They wanted clean air and they wanted green trees,
They wanted full coverage for medical fees,
They wanted nice schools and streets safe to play,
They wanted it all – they just didn’t want to pay!
And when the truth hit him, the Ging grinned a grin,
He laughed and he laughed till the tears ran down his chin.
The Clintons climbed up to the Dome, laughing too.
“Hee hee hee,” Bill and Hill laughed, “Hoo hoo hoo!”
They laughed with the cheer that comes from within,
They laughed with the knowledge: You just cannot win.
The Gingrich and Clintons now shared the same plight
Whatever they’d do, they could not do it right.
“Folks hate you,” said Bill, “once you land in D.C.
But I’ve got a plan: Let us bond, you and me.
We’ll work as a team, yes! That’s my advice!
We’ll listen and nod and make NICE NICE NICE!”
The Prez put his hand out, they hugged on the ledge…
And then that old Gingrinch pushed Bill off the edge.
Thanks so much for serving as president of the in-touch club.
Gary somethingorother:
“The more educated you are, the more out of touch you are. “
Jennifer, I’m about to crash, and just thought I would check in one more time. Are you by any chance hot and single? And living within 20 miles of me? Under 55? A PhD in psychology and philosophy, with a double major in exercise physiology, a triple major in history and physics, and a quadruple major in getting rich?
I will marry you sight unseen if all of those are true. Of course, the terms of the marriage are still, as they must be, negotiable.
LOL.
Have a Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year, to all of you brilliant people, and even the retards, like Gary and his infinite fake-monikers.
Even morons deserve the gift of peace and love for the holidays.
99% of you deserve all the best.
John O – well that’s very flattering. I am single, I at least used to be hot though I wouldn’t vouch for it now, under 55, no PhD in anything (BA architecture, MS Ed) and since I don’t know where you live, have no idea if I’m within 20 miles or not though I doubt it since I live in hicksville.
BTW, that was an impressive list…you were bordering on Seavey Todd territory there!
Hope you have a very happy holiday!
Single, you say?
You must have a fatal flaw. LOL.
(I’m 48 and never been married, though close a couple of times. No regrets.)
Chicago suburbs. But I have enough money to travel now and again. 🙂
And one of my more influential life-thingys is that I grew up in rural Hicksville, IL.
And I’m damn happy about it. I have the blue-collar and white-collar perspective down cold.
Please God don’t ever compare me to the Toddster. Please. I beg of you.
I guess one of the great things about my more-than-half over life is that I’ve never felt unloved, never lacked for children in my life, never lacked for jack-shit that had any meaning and importance in the weird world most of us call Life.
I am a VERY rich man. And I’m proud of it, because a lot of my wealth comes down to choosing good human beings as friends, being blessed with good human beings as family, an knowing the goddamn difference.
My fatal flaw? I always insisted on being myself no matter how many times I was told that I don’t act like a woman is “supposed” to act. To my credit, that attitude probably prevented me from committing homicide, suicide, or both, since I never was much of an actress and so never got into anything by pretending to be someone else. And since I’m in southern hicksville (Little Rock) you can see why that’s not a quality that ranks particularly high on the “must-have” lists of most men searching for mates. For years it really bothered me, but I’m over all that now and content with the way things worked out. Not everyone is intended to be part of a couple, and I think I am truly one of those people.
Me, too, Jennifer. And those are not fatal flaws, those are most-excellent characteristics in a strong, smart woman. And strong, smart men, too.
Little Rock, though, is not that far away. Ever been to the big city?
*just cracking myself up; pay it no mind*
You folks brought me Bill Clinton, who despite all the things I hate about him, remains one of the great geniuses of my time, and I love the man. If only as friends.
So, Little Rock can’t be all bad.
Yeah, I used to go to Chicago fairly regularly. I worked for quite a few years as an independent publisher’s rep, and three of the companies I worked for had Chicago offices. Nice town, but not this time of year…last time I was in Chicago in winter it was 35 below. That’s just not right.
Four seasons is the rhythm of life, and I love it spiritually, and emotionlly, even though from time to time I hate it intellecually.
Yeah, it gets cold. But warmth is found in many odd ways. Adversity makes us normal.
And there is always something to look foreward to.
Which doesn’t matter at all in the end, since I can get to L.R. on a moment’s notice.
🙂
Jennifer, I think we should “get a room,” as I’m sure most S,N!ers are wishing.
jonorato42@comcast.net.
I don’t say shit I won’t defend in public. So I’m easy to find, easy to hassle, and still don’t care a whit.
I’d be happy with 75 – 80 degrees year round! But as it is, I can better handle the 100+ we get in the summer than the 35 below you get in the winter. I guess I just prefer my adversity on the warm side. I wouldn’t object to having a Chicago friend though…you could pick up stuff for me at Trader Joe’s.
🙂
OK, I get the “hint.” Nicely disguised, btw. :–)
Weather is shit when it comes to life. So there. When you’ve grown up with all four seasons, you learn to love the bullshit and great fun snow and ice and cold brings just as much as you love the trees changing and the constant rain of the spring, the heat of the summer, and knowing that all of it is Life’s big circle.
Consider yourself up one when it comes to Chicago friends. You’ve been very kind to me here, and anyone who has read “Infinite Jest” just plain makes me curious.
Sorry, not trying to be flip…but also distracted…I’ve been back and forth from blog surfing to watching Bad Santa. Think I’m gonna sign off for the night but enjoyed the chat and will definitely see you at least around here…so in keeping with carrying on the war on xmas up to the bitter end, I wish you a HAPPY HOLIDAY and to all a good night!
LOL, “Bad Santa,” one of my faves.
Sleep tight, Jennifer, and I never thought you were being flip.
Merry Christmas to you and all yours.
Time for me to pass out, too. 🙂
See what I mean? As I said before, we totally need an SN dating service. God knows I could use all the help I can get in that department–the Republican guy I met on the toobz is married to his goddamn job. Just let me recover a bit from the damage he did and I’ll be the first to sign up.
I’d be in for such a service, but I’ve a feeling the best served group would be gay doods. Like most of the net, doesn’t seem to be a helluva lot of youngish, single females here.
Actually, on second thought, internet community dating tends to end up badly. This place has too good a vibe for drama and cliques ‘n’ crap.
Ah well, the meet-up has been retitled Sadly, Never!, anyhow.
Speaking of the good Pastor, and Christmas, and good cheer and what all not.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdItwaLrv1U
Hallelujah indeed!
“When I was in school, we were taught that one of the fundamental postulates is that one cannot get the greater from the smaller.”
Then where the fuck do cheeseburgers come from? And why can’t I haz one?
So, he’s seriously arguing that it’s craaaazy talk to even think to believe that people come from single cell organisms. I look forward to his up coming thesis….es? Thesisi? Theeees…. writings; “Why Heavier Then Air Flight is Impossible”, “Submersibles? More like SubmersiFAILS!”, “Anti-LIEotics: How Anti-God Atheists Want to Convince You to Fight your Blood Demons with Heresy.” and his opus maiestas* “Flatworld: How Anti-God Atheist Ideals of a ‘Round World” is just Upside-Down.”
600 years since the Renaissance, and the insane religious extremists STILL insist there’s right about everything.
*Any snooty Latin majors out there reading this can blow me.
Cousin Jeffrey is hung like a horse……
The idea of an S,N! dating service is a good one.
I mean, you gotta have something in common, right?
*yawn/stagger/crash*
Make fum all you want. Not only can I take it, I laugh at it, and think you’re all mostly geniuses. So there, again.
Sorry to be so infatuated with the mysterious Jennifer. Couldn’t help it.
She seems like a good one to me, and I find those rare.
Holy fucktard. That’s it, I’m posting my bikini video. I just saw this. My hand has been forced. Both accounts, why not. Just a quick edit.
I know, I know, way OT, but this isn’t something anyone here would want to miss anyways. Just watch the vid on the link.
And that’s why we call her the Shrieking Harpy.
Dear y’all,
Hope all y’all are enjoying whatever this particular Monday in December is bringing you, be it an official-type holiday, some sort of non-organized family thing or whatever. We are celebrating Matt & Marcus (my bro) Come Home And Make Momma Happy While She Spoils Us For A Couple Days, a T. family tradition. My old man’s doing okay, though he’s started smoking cigars for some unfathomable reason. Personally, I would’ve prefered if he’d stuck to the Red Man.
My big redneck family are all insane, but that’s nothing new and just means they’re all doing well. Mommaw’s 87 and does not give a FUCK what anyone thinks. And she’ll tell you that if you ask her, too. My parents have that Direct TV thing, so I’m watching television for the first time in a year. How the hell do people watch this shit on a regular basis? I think it explains why yayhoos like Pastor Swank aren’t laughed out of whatever building they’re inhabiting, frankly. But Enter The Dragon is on Bravo, and nothing says Christmas to me like watching Bwuce Lee whip all kinds of ass.
Only problem? No weed. Momma would have a kitten, and hell, I could stand to be straight for a couple days, anyway. So, anyhow, thanks for the giggles, hope everyone gets laid sometime in the near future and we all wake up to a better tomorrow. At the very least, I’ll be back in Athens in a couple of days and then I can get high.
And one of my more influential life-thingys is that I grew up in rural Hicksville, IL.
The Trance maker “Shpongle” has an excellent piece called “Hicksville”. (techno-trance X hick-style music = interesting).
Anyway, happy holidays to all teh Sadly’s. Even Saul and Gary; Sadly,No!’s ‘minge’ and…well, ‘gary’.
The idea of an S,N! dating service
I am already dated.
Hey, John O, I hope you didn’t think I was making fun of you. Far from it, and I’m mostly serious about the dating service thing. Wouldn’t hurt to improve the odds by dating somebody you knew you had something in common with.
Anyway, happy whatever-you-celebrate to everybody.
Happy festivus to all you bizarros.
Hey did you notice this morning?
The sun came up a little earlier. If it happens again tomorrow morning then Bingo baby! Party time! So go get ready for a party cuz the sun ain’t dieing.
They all get in their clique and stroke one another
I never get invited to cliques like that.
Not in the office now. Am on holiday, with intermittent internet access (but continual coffee-&-beer access). For my part in the WoC, I ensured that everyone I knew watched Hogfather when it was screened by antipodean TV.
Wait!
Elvis’ favorite was peanut butter and banana sandwiches.
ergo, Elvis is God.
ifthethunder–in all fairness, when we were still friends (as in daily basis talking emails constantly, etc.), she was quite different in conversation than in what everyone else sees. A very concerned good friend. I miss that. And completely not ‘shrieking’ at all, nothing like that. I just must in all fairness give her that. She was a very loyal friend, and despite the fact that my politics were rather different than hers. She was always very laid back about that, not what people online expect. But this was too much. I had to post my video. It was originally a joke between us, actually, but I had to reframe it a bit in editing because I AM actually really angry about the war and Bush’s treatment (out-of-flightsuit) of the troops. It just infuriates me. Chicks in bikinis supporting soldiers when the Preznit wouldn’t even give them a pay raise after deploying them longer than expected anyway. No raise, nope, sorry, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
Basically everything everyone here is already pissed off about….LOL…I forget, I needn’t explain my views here on these subjects. Anyways, it finished uploading. TIme to see how awful I look on camera…ROFLMAO!
But one of the craziest notions that ever came down the pike
What is this pike, down which crazy notions come? Whenever I try sending anything down a pike it gets stuck on the small blade out the side. Unless I’m confusing it with a halberd.
There is another very interesting phenomenon that occurs around December 25th, or the winter solstice. From the summer solstice to the winter solstice, the days become shorter and colder. From the perspective of the northern hemisphere, the sun appears to move south and get smaller and more scarce. The shortening of the days and the expiration of the crops when approaching the winter solstice symbolized the process of death to the ancients. It was the death of the Sun. By December 22nd, the Sun’s demise was fully realized, for the Sun, having moved south continually for 6 months, makes it to it’s lowest point in the sky. Here a curious thing occurs: the Sun stops moving south, at least perceivably, for 3 days. During this 3 day pause, the Sun resides in the vicinity of the Southern Cross, or Crux, constellation. And after this time on December 25th, the Sun moves 1 degree, this time north, foreshadowing longer days, warmth, and Spring. And thus it was said: the Sun died on the cross, was dead for 3 days, only to be resurrected or born again. This is why Jesus and numerous other Sun Gods share the crucifixion, 3-day death, and resurrection concept. It is the Sun’s transition period before it shifts its direction back into the Northern Hemisphere, bringing Spring, and thus salvation.
Zeitgeist-The Movie!!!1! Explaining/Debunking/Scorning organized religion since 2007.
Murri Crimma y’all.
merry christmas, sadlies! thank you for being you.
and thank you for making the non-stop nightmarey parts of 2007 bearable. here’s hoping for a better world in 2008.
ergo, Elvis is God.
I read that as ‘ergot Elvis is God’.
This probably means that it’s time to stop drinking and go to bed, but “staying up and hallucinating” is always the more entertaining option. Don’t snort too much egg-nog.
Did Swank actually say that smart people have circle jerks? hahaha
Stupid and perverted, Swank
Photographs of a shirtless John Podhoretz? Nnnnnoooooooo….
Lex, you must be a Bowie fan as well as a Nick Cave fan. 🙂
I guess I’m the only one here now, and I’ve done my Christmas dash, with all the fine Australian champagne-only-we’re-not-allowed-to-call-it-champagne-because-we’re-not-French and socialising with families and all, and now it’s just me and 2 kitties (who would have appreciated any leftover turkey that I failed to bring home).
Sigh.
And Smut (can I call you Smut?), I’ve never seen a moving picture of Hogfather, and I’d really like to. Joss Ackland would make a very fine Ridcully, although my favourite would be David Warner as Downey: I’ve got a bit of a thing for David Warner. Probably the voice. I’m a pushover for a man with a fine voice. Probably because I’ve got a face for radio and all that.
Speaking of radio, I’m currently the stand-in breakfast presenter on Radio Adelaide. So for this week only, if you’re interested, you can catch me here live online between 6.30 am and 9 am Adelaide (South Australia) time. And for you lazy skuts who don’t know what time that would be, here is a time converter of your very own.
Sorry for the shameless self-promotion, but I’m feeling a little bit of post-Christmas blues, and I’d like to think that someone other than my parents is listening. Makes getting up at 4 in the fucking morning a tad more bearable, somehow.
Happy merries, all.
Next time you’re in Applebee’s, a purveyor of Pepsi products, take a look at the Happy Hour menu. One of the items is listed as “rum and cola”.
Ah, marketing.
I’d like to think that someone other than my parents is listening
Sorry, Qetesh, but our invitation to stay with my sister & her family would not be renewed, if I used up her monthly allowance of broadband connection.
I’ve never seen a moving picture of Hogfather, and I’d really like to.
It’s available on DVD (in the UK). And there’s always Bit-torrent…
Merry Christmas, Sadly Nobodies. Bask in the nonradience of my nonjudgement.
qetesh,
I am new to Australia and here’s a legitimate question that we didn’t have in America… Should we celebrate X-Mas Eve here, or not? We did, out of habbit, and then the next morning, all hung-over and stuff, I turn on CNN and see Breaking News: The Pope Ushers in X-Mas!
Then it hit me that I got drunk long before baby Jeebus was supposed to be born, being like 10 time zones ahead of Jerusalem…
It’s so confusing… Why is there noAustralian Joseph Smith to claim that he has seen some golden plates that say Jeebus was born in Adelaide, so that I don’t get confused…
Not a creature was stirring…
Krassen — I think you can celebrate Christmas whenever you want, since there’s no evidence that this Yeshua fellow was born anytime near December 25.
It’s an open question, though, whether it’s better to be hungover or drunk when you see the Pope.
As a now-sober ex-drunk, I avoid him whenever possible. Yep, if I saw him coming down the hall, I’d just turn right around. Cut him dead.
Yes, it’s me, Dr BLT, not a poser like Troll, the Ancient Yuletide Carol
Dear Doctor, I am neither troll nor ancient. You are simply filled with envy that Chuck Berry didn’t write a song for you. And you SHOULD be. hmph.
The idea of an S,N! dating service is a good one.
I don’t know, the only dating I’ve participated in lately involved trying to determine my half-life.
bah humbug.
Qetesh, if I read that time converter correctly, your 12/26 show should be on in the middle of the afternoon Christmas day here in MN. If you have to get up at 4 in the fucking morning you probably won’t be checking in here, but if you do, can I request ‘Celebrated Summer’ by Husker Du? I should be able to listen to your 26th and 27th shows.
Husker Du used to live in the same neighborhood as I did in the early 80’s and I’d run into Grant Hart at the local used record store. The first couple gigs they played at Seventh Street Entry in Minneapolis was as the opening act for the band I was in called Fine Art (tongue firmly in cheek about that name). This is more a function of how old I am rather than how hip I am, lol. I didn’t really like their ‘Land Speed Record’ era stuff.
Just me and the two cats here too today (one is on my lap right now). My dad died right before Christmas last year, so my sisters were in town a lot last ‘holiday season’. This year they’re all staying home with their families and in-laws and I’ve been in a mood to ignore the whole thing. I’m just glad to have a reason to stay home for a couple of days.
Husker Du – ‘Celebrated Summer,’ live in Finland, 1987 (2:08)
Is this embedding ok?
(URL here:
)
Worked fine Gavin. Thanks a bunch.
Qetesh–why yes, I sure am. Boy is this video going to wreak havoc. I thought “Do You Love Me” to be perfect for such an attention whoring video. I haven’t really just thrown together something on video instead of going to bed like I should before, and stayed up way too late. But I got Stephen Colbert’s book under the tree this morning, and am a happy camper now.
IMHO, Australia can never be thanked enough for introducing Lammingtons to the world. Or Tim Tams. I have given them up (for the Holy Sacrament of the Bikini Wearing), but ahhh, the glorious memories.
Merry Christmas everyone! (I would have said that in the video instead of the “Happy Holidays” so hated by the “War on Christmas” crowd, but dammit, not all of our troops are Christians, and New Years’ isn’t Christian and is a holiday, so well, I went for accuracy. Just like Colbert.)
As I said before, we totally need an SN dating service.
Could we have a “looks not important” division? (finally, an ideology I can get behind!)
No Fine Art here in ANY sense of the word, but a great overview (in movie trailer form) of the Minneapolis music scene in the late 80’s. I’d never seen this video before today and I’m amazed at how cool it is, despite all the important (to Mpls at least) bands that aren’t included. Steve McClellan was the the hippest and smartest scrooge ever.
Like most of the net, doesn’t seem to be a helluva lot of youngish, single females here.
Although this may be an unfounded assumption, ADB. (Hey, just trying to bring this dating-service tangent back in line with the original thread topic.) It strikes me that the default assumption about commenters whose screen names aren’t gender-specific is that they’re male.
Anyway, yeah. I’m just back from warm sunny places and totally jet-lagged and a wee bit hung over, so life is good. Merry stuff, y’all.
That’s my division, too, P.A.T. The only clique I’ve ever fit into.
Not a lot of stroking at the moment, though. Where’d that damn cat get to?
Yeah, I don’t know what the gender mix is here, either. I deliberately chose a gender-neutral screen name because I wanted people to listen to what I have to say (or whatever the online equivalent is of that expression), but I’m a 43-year-old female.
And I just found out the other day that people use “STH” to refer to “Stairway to Heaven.” W00t!!1!
Notorious–well, considering what I just did maybe everyone could use YouTube. We could all start a YouTube group and post the “dating” videos there. There’s no real need to appear in one’s own video, my generally preferred method, actually, for those in the “looks not important” category. Or there’s that software that makes you a talking dinosaur….LOL.
Why do I love starting trouble so much? Has there been some sort of “syndrome” named for the constant need to start trouble…ROFL….cause I’m on a real roll lately.
Seeing as I’ll be 35 in just five days, I think I’m going to start referring to myself as “middle aged”. Hey, if I only live to be 70, it will be a completely accurate statement, won’t it?
I just like the thought of being old because it then renders socially acceptable my utter crotchety-ness.
Merry whatevers, guys!
Thanks for tha First Ave link–memories!
Since the trailer mentioned the Suburbs, but didn’t show them, here’s a link to the ‘Burbs’ ‘Love is the Law’:
All:
It’s 9:43 on Xmas morn here in LA. By my imprecise calculations, our own Qetesh will be on-air at noon LA time. (Adelaide is, somehow, 18.5 hours ahead of our time. Explain THAT, Swank.)
My Real Player has downloaded the necessary plug in and everything.
Merry/Happy to all. We’ll deal with the wishes for the New Year when we get there.
This is OT, but seems somehow appropriate for this crowd.
There’s a winery in Walla Walla, WA, that makes a brand of wine called Hiney, and they’ve been playing the following jingle on the radio (sung to the tune of “We Wish You a Merry Xmas”):
We wish you a happy hiney
we wish you a happy hiney
we wish you a happy hiney
and a good end to the year
your friends all want your hiney
your friends all want your hiney
your friends all want your hiney
so give it to them, it’s that time of year!
they won’t go until they get some
they won’t go until they get some
they won’t go until they get some
so give them hiney wine this year!
(Too bad the vocal is so awful that I have to lunge for the radio to turn it off every time the commercial comes on.)
The fact is, here in the Heartland we celebrate the birth of Jesus and all that is good about USA. You liberals can go worship Satan Claus or the Kwanzas or whatever it is tolerant multicultis do. We will stand with tradition and values.
Seeing as I’ll be 35 in just five days, I think I’m going to start referring to myself as “middle aged”. Hey, if I only live to be 70, it will be a completely accurate statement, won’t it?
I just like the thought of being old because it then renders socially acceptable my utter crotchety-ness.
Merry whatevers, guys!
Damn kids! I don’t even HAVE a lawn!
And I just found out the other day that people use “STH” to refer to “Stairway to Heaven.” W00t!!1!
Better count your blessings. If you were “HTS” you’d be “Hairway to Steven”. I can’t remember offhand which band used that title…
My ad will read 53yo male bear seeks same. I have a picture of me eating pie that I could post with it.
My ex is a wonderful cook and this year decided to bake a pie for the MN State Fair contests. The pie had to be at the fair office by 10:00 sharp or it wouldn’t be accepted. His first attempt had a visual flaw so he had to make a last ditch attempt on the morning of the deadline, and he asked me to drive him to the fairgrounds so that he could focus ALL of his attentions on keeping the pie perfect.
I arrived at his house, but the pie hadn’t finished baking to perfection yet, so we stalled until the very last second to leave for the fairgrounds. Gary held the pie in his lap while I used every shortcut I could think of to get to the fairgrounds, knowing that we would have to go thru a security checkpoint to get to the food building. When we got to the grounds, I told Gary to hang on tight to the pie while I was trying to spot the gate. At the last second, I saw the gate and tapped the brakes to slow for the turn. Gary lurched and I heard a splat. I stopped the truck to a stunned silence. The scene of crust and berry guts on the floor mat was horrific and all I could do was apologize and fight back tears. Gary suddenly started laughing and offered the self-judgement that the pie had likely been too underbaked to win an award anyway.
We drove back to Gary’s to clean out the truck, but the temptation to eat pie that hadn’t touched the floormat was just too tempting to resist I dug in with my fingers, and it indeed was a most remarkable pie, a most wonderful pie.
Like I said, I have pictures.
Oh, and Happy BDay early. 8)
Ah, happy christmas morn, sadlys. Coffee, punkin pie (I like Pie!) and cranberry bread for breakfast. The remaining peeps from christmas eve sitting around laughing. Sparkling sunshine and shiny new toys. Another celebration of the birth of the ghost of an ancient, executed jewish political criminal.
Life is good…
Damn!! I’m trying to pull up the live stream of Qetesh’s station and I can’t get it on my about-to-crap-out computer. Mr. Wonderful, are you sure you have the LA broadcast time right? By my calcs, it should be on at about 4:00 LA time instead. If you’re right then I’ve already missed most of it. Not good.
The same back atcha, mikey.
And Happy almost Birthday, Jillian. Join the middle-aged clube, I’ve been in it for thirteen years, by your count. (Longer, if crotchety-ness is the main determinant.)
In case you were wondering…
WHY JESUS IS GREATER THAN SANTA CLAUS
Santa lives at the North Pole.
JESUS is everywhere.
Santa rides in a sleigh.
JESUS rides on the wind and walks on the water.
Santa comes but once a year.
JESUS is an ever present help.
Santa fills your stockings with goodies.
JESUS supplies all your needs.
Santa comes down your chimney uninvited.
JESUS stands at your door and knocks, and then enters your heart when invited.
You have to wait in line to see Santa.
JESUS is as close as the mention of His name.
Santa lets you sit on his lap.
JESUS lets you rest in His arms.
Santa doesn’t know your name, all he can say is “Hi little boy or girl, what’s your name?”
JESUS knew your name before you did.
Not only does He know your name,
He knows your address too.
He knows your history and future and
He even knows how many hairs are on your head.
Santa has a belly like a bowl full of jelly.
JESUS has a heart full of love.
All Santa can offer is HO HO HO.
JESUS offers Health, Help and Hope.
Santa says “You better not cry.”
JESUS says “Cast all your cares on me for I care for you.”
Santa’s little helpers make toys.
JESUS makes new life, mends wounded hearts, repairs broken homes and builds mansions.
Santa may make you chuckle but.
JESUS gives you joy that is your strength.
While Santa puts gifts under your tree.
JESUS became our gift and died on a tree.
Yes, from sin He sets us free!
Santa, however, definitely wins in the Cool Hat Department. Plus he’s got a sweet ride.
Santa gets the chicks. Jesus hung around with his mother and a hooker.
Hey, here’s some more differences:
Santa doesn’t try to make you feel guilty…he brings you presents instead.
People don’t go around all the time claiming that Santa hates fags.
Santa’s teachings haven’t been twisted by hateful bigots for the past 2000 years to justify killing people.
And as for the “supplying all needs”, Jesus never brought me a cute new pair of shoes like Santa has.
Happy holidays!
I just like the thought of being old because it then renders socially acceptable my utter crotchety-ness.
Jillian, isn’t that just the most absolutely wonderful discovery? The heavy burden of politeness has been lifted from our shoulders.
I always say that being over 40 is all about getting over yourself. At least that’s what I’ve found for myself.
It is, indeed, most liberating…and I say this as someone who wasn’t all that restrained before age 40.
Qetesh, I’m afraid I won’t be able to listen. I’m getting computer messages that say that Real Alternative and Real Player refuse to live on the same computer together. It must have been an ugly divorce. I’m so sorry I won’t get to hear your show.
Wow, Dave Bowman, Jesus is quite the stalker, isn’t he, now? He knows every focking hair on my head? That’s just creepy.
Not only does He know your name,
He knows your address too.
He knows your history and future and
He even knows how many hairs are on your head.
Not many people realize that Jesus was the keystone of John Poindexter’s ill-fated Total Information Awareness project.
If you were “HTS” you’d be “Hairway to Steven”. I can’t remember offhand which band used that title…
Butthole Surfers. Hmmph. What are they teaching kids in school today?
Not only does He know your name,
He knows your address too.
He knows your history and future and
He even knows how many hairs are on your head
But Santa knows when I am sleeping and he knows when I’m awake. He knows if I’ve been bad or good, so, for goodness sake, I try to be good!
Happy Festivus Kwanzaa Solstice, everybody!!!!
It’s cold and windy here in Southern California. Serious winds!
We’re lying around reading the books we got and the instruction manuals for all the electronic gifts we got.
There’s a big pot of duck stock simmering on the stove, and some boneless duck breasts and legs marinating in the fridge in an herb rub.
The dog got to eat the crispy duck skin left from rendering the duck fat.
We’re doing laundry and packing for the trip to Chicago tomorrow.
gbeneezer–
I used Qetesh’s time coverter site twice, and came up with:
6:30 am in Adelaide on day X is
12 noon PST (in L.A.) on day x-1.
So if it’s 11:43 am in LA on Xmas day, in 17 minutes it will be 6:30 am in Adelaide on Dec. 26.
Wow, g, can I come to your house for dinner? We got home at 3 a.m. from a perfectly mahvelous nine days on a far-away beach, only to remember that there was no food in the house and nary a grocery store open for miles around. Breakfast was Chex Mix. But at least we had coffee, and the liquor cabinet is always stocked (one must have priorities).
A happymerry $ENV{LOCAL_SOLSTICE_FESTIVAL} you lot.
As for the whole Sadly Dating thing, I would only caution that no one is as smart and clever in meatspace as they are on the various and sundry intert00bz. Many years ago I was a part of an online community much like this one and we all had the fine idea of getting together and meeting/pairing up in real life. It didn’t really work out well for anyone…
Except for one time… I met up with an extremely smart, beautiful and hilarious woman who was curator of a local Bigtime Art Museum. She just couldn’t keep her hands off me. She was all like “won’t someone help me get this manatee back into the river, ’cause he’s starting to get all blotchy and stuff and that can’t be good.”
She was nice.
Holy shit.
I mean, Merry Christmas.
Talk about coal in your stocking, I gleefully rush in from sledding on the intertubes, cheeks ruddy from the chill, bearing gifts from Swankville, and get not so much as a by your effin’ leave, h/t, attaboy, nuthin’. Then the SN! Swank-yule thread becomes the Nosian singles dance, and Lex turns out to be a cute chick who can’t figure out what the problem is with all them muslims, (what did we ever do to them?), who also happened to get a ride to the dance with Pammy Shrugs. Christ.
At least I’ll be able to listen to Qetesh’s soothing voice soon.
Though the way things are going, she probably sounds like Elmer Fudd.
This time of year brings out the worst in people, Humor Me.
Hell, I’ve even wished some people tidings of comfort and joy today – and I normally can’t be bothered to wish for more than that they all git offa mah lawn!
Blessed are the cheesemakers…
~
Good gracious, Qetesh has the most dreamy, mellifluous voice….sigh…..
In case it hasn’t been mentioned, Santa had his red suit picked out for him by Coca-Cola. To match their shade of red in ads.
I had a good atheist liberal Xmas. Got books by Bob Altmeyer on authoritarians and atheists and a little bowl from my parents’ trip to Amsterdam, along with dvds and other books n such.
Oh, n I don’t mean to say there’s no young lasses here, SM, tho you’re probably right that I kinda assume it at times. I just meant that all the ladies here are older than I and/or spoken fer.
Ooh, and now she’s playing Nick Cave! What better Xmas music could there be?
Oh Qetesh, I am smitten.
If you’re online whilst on the air, give a shout out to the gang.
Jillian, you mean my comments were the worst in me? Cause if that’s as bad as it gets, I’m better off than I thought.
Which one is Qetesh?
I’m assuming it’s the visiting friend.
Why the fuck would he care?
Seeing as I’ll be 35 in just five days, I think I’m going to start referring to myself as “middle aged”
A mere toddler.
I just like the thought of being old because it then renders socially acceptable my utter crotchety-ness.
The physical aspects of aging suck, as has often been noted… but it’s true that you do get cut more slack for being crusty. I’ve been crusty since I was in elementary school, so that’s nice. And I’ve started to notice that some whippersnappers seem to feel that since I’m an old hippie I’m just inherently cool, which is also nice, or at least amusing.
Qetesh’s show is pretty good, I guess she’s the host.. cantonese version of “play that funky music white boy”?
Yes.
That was so awesome!
America is such a backwater.
kingubu,
That’s like a little star on top of the christmas tree in my mind.
He even knows how many hairs are on your head
In my case, this is no longer as much of an accomplishment as it used to be.
Qetesh has the most dreamy, mellifluous voice….
Not a real Australian, then. She’ll be stripped of her citizenship if the authorities find out about that.
Ah, Hicksville. Track 3 off of Are you Shpongled?
I just like the thought of being old because it then renders socially acceptable my utter crotchety-ness.
This is also my plan. My sister and I decided long ago that we wanted to be the kind of old ladies who talk loudly about Young People These Days and whack people with their walking sticks. At the moment we’re too busy with being generally cranky to do the walking stick thayng, but we’ll get to it. In the meantime I’ve got the crotchety-ness down pat.
And thanks for the nice comments about today’s show: they’re extra welcome seeing that several technical things went pear-shaped (very badly wrong). And there was me feeling all cocky because I didn’t blow anything up on Monday. Pride goeth before a fall: it also goeth before making a complete tit of yourself live on air. I hope I didn’t sound too Elmer Fudd-like.
For those who were guessing, I was the presenter, so nearly all of the music was mine. If you’re listening to the remaining two shows, I’ll give a big halloo to the Sadlynauts, and definitely play some more Nick Cave. He is, after all, an Australian talent, along with Tim Tams (which I’ve also succeeded in addicting various forrin friends to). The other voice was my friend Barb, who looks distressingly like Uma Thurman, even at 5.15 am.
I’ll also be talking to Joshua Holland from Alternet about the UN mandate for Iraq: when I was a regular producer on the breakfast show, I’d talk to him every week about various political things, because he’s a) very knowledgable and b) very nice. Do listen in if you’ve got time: he’ll be on at 7.45 am (Adelaide time) on Friday (Adelaide day).
And I’m 45, for those who are wondering. 45 with a face for radio. Sigh.
I really don’t know why I chose that Nick Cave song last night. Just always liked it I guess. I had to do something. Pamela in a bikini saying that Obama is a Muslim? Forced my hand.
All Aussies get us addicted to TimTams, dammit. And Lammingtons if we’re really lucky. On the up side, I did manage to get two Aussie friends to sing a jingle from a vegemite commercial from their youth in a restaurant one night. It was perfect. They had been drinking, um, alcohol…..
Gibby–can you cure my Gibby problem? I still just think he’s sexy as hell. If you are Gibby Haynes by any chance, there is a link to a video of me in a bikini in here somewhere…..
oddly the city I’m in has a new logo for their Recreation Centers that is supposed to look like the sun, but everytime I see it it just looks like the old Butthole Surfers butthole drawing. I need to remind them. OTOH, anything BS on a city logo is too good to risk losing.
the ghost of gbear present: (ps: the home computer is taking 20 minutes to boot up but may make it thru the rest of the year. I just finished backing up my pics and letters so I’ll just drive it til the hard drive whacks itself to death).
Buy a second hard drive NOW. Install it as the master drive, fix the jumpers on your current hard drive so it’s the slave drive, install your operating system off the CD that came with your box, and copy all your bootleg mp3s, pr0n, and whatever other files you value off the old dying drive onto the fresh new drive. Do it NOW!
W,
The only items of value on the computer were two years of pictures and documents. I managed to get them all copied to a pocket drive yesterday. That was my main concern too.
The advice you gave me was exactly the same advice that the tech at work gave me. Good advice if I cared about the computer, but it’s an ancient Dell (Optiplex GX110) that a friend gave to me out of pity that I didn’t have a home computer. It doesn’t read DVDs and it can’t burn CDs or DVDs. Now that I’ve got my valuables saved, I need to use the money to buy a new tower rather than mess with this one. THANK YOU thought for posting the advice.
I always say that being over 40 is all about getting over yourself. At least that’s what I’ve found for myself.
As that fateful date is coming for me next year, its a good way of looking at it.
Do you believe in Flu Shots? If so, then you believe in evolution.
If you don’t, you get sick and die, only further proving the point.
Oh, And go to the Locus Solus in Ankara next time you’re in Turkey.
STH, not at all. I expect to be abused even in fun at places like this, and have my Pandagonian experience, wherein I was arrested, judged, and juried by a pyschotic kangaroo court to use as reference.
Jillian!!!! 35????!!!!!
That’s PERFECT. My minimum acceptable age gap!
My Christmas was wonderful, thank you very much, despite Saturday’s funeral for the murder of my cousin’s husband, in a random act of violence, and the divorce annoucement of someone I love very much, which is leaving pain and suffering among many in its wake.
But my family and friends, the adrenaline buzz of the toddlers, of which we have a whole new flock, and the laughter and love of it all made the shit bearable.
You all make me laugh, and that is a priceless gift, and I thank you all for what could be considered the greatest gift of all.
Oh, one other thing, Jillian: My “big” Christmas gift this year was a GPS.
Could it be…fate?
LOL. May you and yours have a wonderful holiday season.
Not a real Australian, then. She’ll be stripped of her citizenship if the authorities find out about that.
Blow it out yer arse Clyde, at least Aussie don’t sound like they’re trying to speak through an allergic reaction to shrimp. (And I say that in the nicest sense.) ;}
nron said: “And thus it was said: the Sun died on the cross, was dead for 3 days, only to be resurrected or born again. This is why Jesus and numerous other Sun Gods share the crucifixion, 3-day death, and resurrection concept. It is the Sun’s transition period before it shifts its direction back into the Northern Hemisphere, bringing Spring, and thus salvation.”
Exactly. That’s one reason I’ll NEVER be a Christian. They don’t even know their own history, and every christian I’ve met doesn’t WANT to know. The ones I’ve met are only happy when totally ignorant.
Then there’s the total hypocrisy of most ‘christians’. “Love thy Neighbor”, by making war, by torture, by forced impoverishment, by eliminating welfare and foodstamps, etc. Basically the entire GOP platform is anti-Christ-ian = 100% opposite of the Red Letters in the bible.
I’ve always peeled back the cruft, looking for the original basis of all things. I’m not an atheist, more of an agnostic eclectic. I feel far more spiritual connection to the astronomic events, like solstice and moon cycles than some made up, re-worked fanasty/mythology from one tiny part of the whole world (Genesis through ‘Jesus’).
I believe there’s something beyond our conciousness, but we have no clue what it is. Poeple who are afraid of the world turn to organized religion to have everything neatly explained to them, so they don’t have to think critically about anything. Atheists are happy with their lot, and so don’t need to look beyond our three dimensions for further explanation.
********************************************************
Here, too is why I’ll NEVER be a ‘christian’ – because of mind-numbing nonsense like this:
Pastor Swank says something outrageously, obviously rediculous and false: “The moon is made of blue cheese! Jesus told me so!”
Gary Ruppert says something even more ludicrous: “You damn liberals can’t refute the obvious truth of the Christian®™ message about the true nature of the moon, so you use your religion – ‘science’ – to make up fairy tales about how the moon is rock and dust, when it’s so obviously blue cheese! Why can’t you liberals face reality and admit that the moon is just a small lump of cheese a couple hundred feet up in the air?!”
Jesus Loves me, this I know.
A circular arguement tells me so.
It takes a lot of faith to believe that I came from an amoeba
I dunno, Pastor…your dad looks awfully gooey…
got to love the “logic” of the fundies:
Nature, after an incredibly lengthy period of abstract processes and occurrences generated life = impossible to accept
invisible cloud being said “whoop, there it is” = accepted as inviolable truth.
And one of my more influential life-thingys is that I grew up in rural Hicksville, IL.
Dan Hicks and His Hot Licks- Last Train to Hicksville
Goooood.
He even knows how many hairs are on your head
Then tell him to stop pulling them out, fucker.
Two words for you: Restraining. Order.
I got god is not Great by Christopher Hutcheans as a Christmas gift.
I love the taste of Irony in the morning.
Twisted_Colour, Smut is a kiwi, so I don’t think the shrimp analogy works that well. Unless you were aiming it at our eastern neighbours…?
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