Shorter Felicia “Fee” Benamon

Don’t let disease claim your life!

benamon.jpg

  • Having fallen for Kevin Trudeau‘s pseudoscientific flim-flammery, I should like to recommend a technique that can free America of all illness. It’s like an ear candle — for your ass.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.


Note: The substance that these rubes are swallowing becomes a gel inside their digestive tracts, causing them essentially to defecate molded Gummi intestines.

 

Comments: 64

 
 
 

Oh, oh, dear god, I really hate it for anyone else who stupidly clicks to those links. Oh, ow, not good, just, just, ew.

 
 

I am getting tired of hearing that Americans across this land are sick.

You hear that sick Americans across this land of the United States*? Ms. Enamon is tired of hearing about your misfortunes and you should be ashamed to cause her the least bit of fatigue by getting ill. If she gets too tired she’ll get angry, and when she gets angry you get The Hose.

*Americans living abroad are exempt from Ms. Enamon’s wrath.

 
 

Don’t let disease Jonah Pantload claim your life.

Be careful, Gavin. We’re all depending on you!

 
 

Someone who apparently gets most of her health information from TV has heard that the body should be alkaline, and that we can shit the acidity out? Good enough for me, who do I send the money order to?

 
 

It is approximately 10 minutes until bedtime in MN. I really really hate the fact that I clicked on that last link. I think I’m going to have to go find something to up my dosage of. christ.

 
 

That’s it!

Thats the stuff that comes out of people when you blow them up!

I STRONGLY recommend NOT blowing them up any more.

That, as they say, is all…

mikey

 
 

Y’know, ya gotta cook those stringy morsels over low coals, so they cook slowly. Too much heat makes ’em tough.

Wait a minute…they’re what?!?

No shit.

Never mind.

(PS – I know it’s a major breach of S,N! etiquette to whore/pimp yer shit, but I’m just kinda prouda this latest post. It even includes HTML’s famous Bible-Totin’ Fetus, so it’s sorta Sadly,No! related, right?)

(PPS – Maybe every now and then youse guys can just toss up an open thread for us to pimp our shit. Just a thought. Hanks).

 
 

Gavin, Jeebus…

Isn’t there a category of wingnut discourse that’s beneath you? And us? Like this? Dude, husband your resources and let these morons call each to each.

Your fan,
Mr. W.

 
the last guy at the party
 

I am getting sick of hearing that Americans across this land are tired.

 
 

(PS – I know it’s a major breach of S,N! etiquette to whore/pimp yer shit

Not at all!

 
 

…causing them essentially to defecate molded Gummi intestines…

Finally, American entrepreneurs could drastically increase our struggling American Genuine Molded Gummi Intestine industry, and end our dependence on all those shipments of Chinese Molded Gummi Intestines which were found to have more lead than sh*t in them, and also to boost our exports to those nations in which defecated Molded Gummi Intestines are all the rage with the kids these days.

 
 

Mikey, if you know you’re going to blow them up, can’t you have some decency and take a minute to flush them out beforehand? Whatever happened to dignity in death?

 
 

Wow! My traffic’s up 10,000 percent.

Thanks, all.

 
 

So here’s all this little thumbnails of really horribly nasty stuff draped over toilet bowels and such. And it says something like “Click the link to see larger images of what came out of Joe’s butt”. Has anyone ever clicked?

 
 

‘bear, goddam it, I didn’t blow them up!

It was some other mother fucker with weapons and a bad attitude.

Sheesh…

mikey

 
 

Extracted from the testimonial section of the DrNatura site (emphases and ellipses in the original):

I know I am getting a thorough cleanse because on days 4 & 5 I had a slight headache and some bloating. Stirring up those toxins! And then came a few headaches here and there. Since Toxinout is a cleanse for the blood, I could feel at times pains in the arm and a fuzzy feeling in the back of my head, but afterwards, I felt AWESOME…like I was in touch with myself. I know I said something similar to that earlier, but this time, it was GREAT…it was like I was at so much peace.

From the lengthy testimonial of one Felicia B. As the web loggers say, read the whole thing.

 
 

Apologies, Mikey. No more crass tastlessness from me tonight.

Now, back to the subject of this post…oh, wait…

 
 

Maybe if we could post pictures here, I could share some of what’s come out of my ass recently … a woman’s wristwatch … a cordless phone … a toy 1968 Chevy Impala … and something that looks like poop.

 
 

I believe Jonah would classify this woman as a fascist, given her new age health recommendation.

Colon cleansing, when done properly, can contribute to improving one’s health, but the way she writes about it with her thousand watt happy face (with the Hitler moustache?), she makes it sound really flakey.

 
 

I think I’m going to have to go find something to up my dosage of. christ.

Is this a run-on sentence?

 
 

oh, and although she can speak through her ass very well, she is sadly lacking in the qualifications one needs to be able to heal any part of the body.

Felicia (Fee) Benamon is a political columnist who writes for various conservative sites including RenewAmerica.us, Michnews.com, Daley-Times Post, Renaissance Women ( http://www.rwnetwork.net/ ) , Capitolhillcoffeehouse.com, TheConservativeVoice.com, Mensnewsdaily.com, and other news sites like AmericanChronicle.com. Felicia hails from a military background, and has been politically active since the 2000 elections. She also has been a guest speaker on a variety of conservative internet talk radio shows.

Next up from Felicia: channelling your feces

 
 

I would like to announce that I am totally with mikey on the not-blowing-people-up stance!

Have been for most of my life! don’t blow that guy up! says I.

 
 

Me, lots of the poopy testimonials include talk of ‘uping my dosage’. The links are really fun reads, you should go check them out. really…you’ll than me (not you me, me me).

 
 

That was one hell of a testimonial. So at what point after a year of coughing up and or crapping out worms and reporting “tingling” in the head do the good people at DrNatura advise you to maybe see a doctor? And how long can one obsessively examine ones own shit before it’s time to talk that out with a therapist?

Seriously, a year?

 
 

she is sadly lacking in the qualifications one needs to be able to heal any part of the body

But Lesley, she’s a satisfied DrNatura client! That testimonial I linked to is hers.

 
 

So it’s unanimous then.

Resolved, this 18th day of December, in the year of our lord 2007, that, to the extent possible and notwithstanding any requirements to the contrary, many of us will choose not to blow people up with any explosive device for any reason due to the essential nastiness of the stuff that comes out. Er, when you do.

Blow people up. That is…

Thank you, and good night…

mikey

 
 

Boy, mikey, that goes a lot farther towards making the world a more….livable…. place than most of those Commandments the godbags are going on about.

 
 

… a pair of opera glasses … my high school class ring … a child’s jump-rope … you’ve gotta see this. It’s incredible! I feel a thousand percent better and I’ve finally figured out where a lot of my stuff disappeared to.

 
 

That’s kinda what I was thinking, Billy.

It really doesn’t need to be all that complex.

Poot tee weet?

mikey

 
 

zsa, I’m really glad I’m not on your gift list this christmas.

 
 

Christ. I didn’t know this stuff was still around. My girlfriend from about 15 years ago worked at a massage therapy school where a lot of the staff often fell for faddish miracle cures. Literature about this gummi-colon stuff made the rounds for awhile – I don’t know if any of them tried the stuff and I sure as fuck didn’t ask.

That was a weird scene, but I sure liked that crowd. Friendly people who always needed someone to practice massaging on, yay.

 
 

Mikey, I’ve taken the pledge now too, but how will anyone know that we’re doing anything different? Don’t we get a t-shirt or a dialtone or a self-congratualtory rock concert or something?

 
 

People blowing up is perfectly acceptable as long as it’s done this way.

 
 

The toxins in your system are fascist. They are definitely totalitarian–or “holistic” if you prefer, in that toxins today see no realm of the digestive tract is beyond invasive antigenicity.

Toxin fascism differs from classical fascism in many ways. I don’t deny this. Indeed, it is central to my point. By central I mean in direct opposition–er, I mean, something about soil.

 
 

Now that’s just bringing me down.

Here’s what I think. If people don’t even have the decency to NOTICE that we’re not, in fact, blowing them up in all sorts of bad, dismembering ways, well then we oughta, hell, I dunno, we oughta, know what I think we oughta do? We oughta blow those fuckers up, just so they can appreciate what NOT being blown up is all about.

That’s what I say…

mikey

 
 

I am NOT sticking something in my ear and lighting it on fire.

Sorry.

 
 

Oh no, you’ve been reading Jonah…

 
 

I am NOT sticking something in my ear and lighting it on fire.

Ok, cool, we needed somebody to be in command.

g?

You’re now an officer…

mikey

 
 

Yikes, I just looked down and realized one of my longhair cats is trying to blow herself up. She’s sitting about an inch in front of a space heater. Time to shut off the heater and get the whole crew off to bed. g’nite

 
 

Feeling empty inside = Feeling great!

So the stuff makes you poop out your soul? No wonder they like it.

Day 217: Defecated something that looked unlike anything I’d seen before!! Whacked it with the battery pack of my cordless drill and it unraveled. It was my soul!! Felt unclouded by conscience, remorse or delusions of morality for the first time since, well, forever!! Resolved to pay cash for an untraceable panel van, drop-point knives and bib waders.

 
 

Gavin? Why do you always provide the absolute nastiest links? And pics. I recall you were the one responsible for the pic of the dude with his dick up the tailpipe of the car.

 
 

Christ. I didn’t know this stuff was still around.
Which is pretty much what Zsa said.

 
Mehitabel the Abyssinian
 

Is not “throwing up breakfast”.
Is “cleansing fascist toxins from my stomach”. K?

 
 

All that stuff about acidity and parasites and whatnot is bollocks to be sure. But I’d be willing to bet that the miracle wonder product is basically just psyllium husk. Psyllium is harmless, and useful as a gentle but very effective laxative for those who need that sort of thing. It is not a drug; its action is completely non-chemical. Essentially, when combined with water inside your belly, it becomes a large volume of soft mush — that’s the stuff in the photos — that gently pushes out all before it, and otherwise passes through the body unabsorbed and unprocessed.

But don’t even think of sending these people any money. Go to any decent purveyor of Indian or Pakistani groceries and ask for a box of saat-isabgol. All the benefit of the stuff on that website, at a cost several orders of magnitude lower.

 
 

I have never seen a more rectum-obsessed movement…heh, movement…in my life than that of the wingnut. Whether its what’s going in yer butt or apparently now what’s coming out, they’ve just gotta talk about it.

And lo the Lord Jesus did tell his disciples ’tis most holy to keep thy anus free of obsequious obstructions, be they poison or penis.

 
 

Ever wonder how people before us made it through life without the conglomerate of drugs available on the market currently?

Actually, Ms Benamon, they often died. And I say that as a pagan trained in herbal medicine. There’s only so far passionflower and valerian root can get you before you need an actual anti-epileptic medication, you know?

Still, after clicking that link, I now understand where Stephen King’s “Dreamcatcher” came from.

 
 

those links, holy SHIT! (no pun intended, but actually totally intended).

 
 

I call shenanigans on “Benamon”. That’s clearly just a pen-name of EneMan, the happy-faced mascot of Fleet laxative suppositories!

And before you click through, let me reassure you that EneMan is, in fact, a giant green humanoid rectal appliance.

 
 

Well, it’s not gummy intestines, but I did find some Gummy Haggis, which is kinda like it, only in a tasty butterscotch flavor.

Candy shaped like a sheep’s belly? Mmmmm-mmmm, sign me up for some of that!

 
 

Whew, and here I was worried that I needed health care.

 
 

And before you click through, let me reassure you that EneMan is, in fact, a giant green humanoid rectal appliance.

How apt, given that the other posts have to do with the same thing, except a book written by that appliance.

This is central to my point.

 
 

zsa, I’m really glad I’m not on your gift list this christmas.

I don’t know, I’ve been wanting some opera glasses.

 
 

My plan, 100% effective, is cheap lager and a vindaloo.

 
 

Never underestimate the fascination that a select part of our population has for what comes out of their butts. They’d buy Play-Doh Fun Factory attachments that fit hollow butt plugs if someone made ’em.

 
 

oh sweet jesus. oh god. i should have read the comments before clicking that link. oh wow.

 
 

(from that second link)
“DEATH….OR LIFE BEGINS IN THE COLON”

Ha! So there losers! All this time you thought it began in the uterus.

Of course, that would make those things in the pics colon-babies.

Somebody notify Pastor Swank! Think of all those aborted fetal-feces!

 
 

zsa,
let me know when you get to the real 1968 Chevy Impala and I’ll be impressed. That, or a family of live raccoons.

Halloween Jack,
what do you mean, if? Behold, the Turd Twister
Sorry, you’ve been beaten to that market segment.

 
 

Omigod! Because I’m curious =, I just had to click on them. Right after lunch! And to see where it goes, I just had to do a search on “is colonix a hoax?” and found this:
http://www.coloncleansingblog.com/. Urgh!

These poor saps are probably all obese and think the reason why is because their bowels are blocked. Something is blocked all right and I have a suspicion the area is above their necks. (But not their pieholes!)

 
 

if she ever gets a toothache i don’t think she will be using colon cleanse for it, or for a broken leg, or strep throat–she’ll be going to doctors.

 
 

Speaking of being in TOUCH with myself, I was hoping Fee was talking about an enema. I’d settle for a spanking, of course!

 
 

“Halloween Jack said,

December 19, 2007 at 18:34

Never underestimate the fascination that a select part of our population has for what comes out of their butts. They’d buy Play-Doh Fun Factory attachments that fit hollow butt plugs if someone made ‘em.”

Thank you! Cha ching!

 
 

If people don’t even have the decency to NOTICE that we’re not, in fact, blowing them up in all sorts of bad, dismembering ways, well then we oughta, hell, I dunno…

OK Mikey, I’ve made myself a t-shirt that says ‘Thank ME if you haven’t been blown up today’. It would seem, judging from the reaction, that no one gives a rat’s pitootie whether or not they remain solvent. Ingrates.

 
 

These poor saps are probably all obese and think the reason why is because their bowels are blocked. Something is blocked all right and I have a suspicion the area is above their necks. (But not their pieholes!)

Kiss my fat ass. I haven’t had pie in ten fucking years. What I have is screaming arthritis and 24/7 migraines, and no, oddly enough, I don’t jog even if I don’t eat that much. Obviously fat people are all stupid and thin people are all smart, right? How the fuck else do you explain Britney Spears. Even assuming there was any truth to your pointless assertion, it might have less to do with fat gullibility and more to do with desperation to stop being fat because of unprovoked viciousness from judgmental jackasses like yourself.

 
 

[…] select group of hypochondriacs believe that ingesting substances that make shitting somehow even more disgusting is an important […]

 
 

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