“Who the hell are you and what have you done with Seb?”
Okay, okay?Pipe down, everybody. My name?s Pete M. and I?m a friend of Seb?s (although I?m assuming that will change once he gets back and finds out what I did to his blog). You may already know me from my own site: The Dark Window. If you don?t, well…Hi, I?m Pete.
Seb called me up last week and told me he needed somebody to fill in for him while he went out of town. This hypothetical guest blogger, he said, would have to uphold the extremely high standards of professionalism, humor, and intellectual honesty to which he adheres.
After we finally finished laughing, I said I?d do it.
Seb was a little vague about where he?s going but I managed to catch a glimpse of his ticket. Okay, actually I just rummaged through his bag when he wasn?t looking. I don?t want to give away private personal information so I?ll just say that his destination started with a ?G,? ended with an ?O,? and had a ?uantanam? in the middle.
He told me he wasn?t leaving until Wednesday morning but judging by his mysterious disappearance (and the fact that he forgot to leave a key) I think those warm tropical breezes must have been too much to resist and he left on an earlier flight. Fortunately, I managed to let myself in.
I had to wander around Seb?s house for quite a while before I finally found the legendary Sadly, No! blogging computer. For one thing, it was down in the basement. For another, it was buried under massive piles of German porn, discarded Haribo wrappers, and old Seinfeld tapes.
Anyway, I?m here now and…wait…there seems to be a note. Maybe it?s from Seb.
Please help! I?m being held hostage here against my will and forced to perform sexual favors for Seb. I haven?t eaten in days and these chains are starting to tear into my flesh. I can?t understand why nobody?s noticed my absence. Won?t somebody PLEASE help me?! Won?t somebody PLEASE look in the closet?! ? Amber P.
Hm. I wonder what that?s all about. Well, anyway, I?ll be here for the next 10 days or so, trying my best to keep you entertained.
And just in case you?re wondering whether or not I have the anti-American credentials to substitute for Seb, I?ll just say this: I voted for Barbara Lee.
Twice.
Should you feel a need to contact somebody while Seb?s away, please send me an e-mail at darkwindowpete@yahoo.com. Seb conveniently ?forgot? to give me the password for his e-mail. On the bright side, though, his liquor cabinet was quite easily opened with little more than a large hammer.
So help yourself to a glass of Riesling and then sit back, relax, and prepare to be horrified…
Update: Imagine my surprise when Seb came home right as I was posting this entry. Well, he’s leaving in a minute anyway. Let’s just hope he doesn’t see the liquor cabinet before he goes…
Ah, Pete my boy — to paraphrase 42nd Street (1933): “You may be going out there a blogger…but you’re coming back a star!”
Go, Pete!
You know, I once guest-blogged for Seb. He paid me $5000 a week. How much is he paying you, Pete?
Oh, and Pete, you know that Amber isn’t a real person, right? Seb just made her up as a comic foil, and so we’d think that he’s heterosexual (not that there’s anything wrong with that).
So, in conclusion, good luck, kid. Let us know if you need any help dealing with the international regulatory commissions whose regulations you are breaking by perpetuating Seb’s various scams.
So were s.z. and Peanut, like, not available?
Sweet! Now I don’t have to go over to the Dark Window ever again!
Is Seb heading out of town because he knows that I’m on to him as being the alter ego of Stanton Carlisle?
No, really, who are you and what have you done with Seb?
How will Seb feel about an Arsenal preview post at Sadly, No?
The Lads open 14-August at Everton.
The UK papers are all atwitter about a Vieira transfer to Real. Buried in all of the stories is that the French Master is under contract until 2008.
Pete, before you left, did you look in the closet?
Just don’t open that closet, OK?
And, um, disregard that moaning you think you hear comming out of the juke box. Prolly just a record skipping, thas all.
I came, I saw, I read, I commented. Good deed for the year. Enjoy, Pete, but remember — any more Jonah jokes, and the Mormons show up, no matter WHERE you are…