The Lance Armstrong of Professional Virgins

As Pete M. noted in his Send Hans Zeiger to the GOP Convention post, the management of Sadly, No! has a thing for one of Hans’ competitors, one Sheri Valera:

sheri.jpg

Our somewhat sudden declaration of love notwithstanding, Sadly, No! isn’t the kind of blog that falls in love just because of a woman’s looks. (Amber Pawlik being all the proof one ever needs — how could one resist an intellect like that?) Speaking of Amber, as regular readers surely know, she belongs to the Salvation Army Corps of Professional Virgins, a distinguished group of individuals whose members include Ben Shapiro. Yet even our very own and pure Amber believes that some hanky panky is acceptable before one’s wedding night however:

I spent the weekend with my boyfriend, in Indiana for a wedding. There is a big smile on my face right now. I love him. A lot. I didn’t want to give him mono so we didn’t kiss on the lips.

What does this have to do with Miss Valera you wonder? Well, she makes Amber Pawlik look like a total slut, that’s what. Impossible? Well then, you’ve obviously never heard of Google, which brings us this:

There’s a Gainesville legend that says if a University of Florida student graduates and is still a virgin, a brick will fall from Century Tower. But what will happen if one graduates before sharing his or her first kiss? Will the Tower just crumble to pieces? Well, we’ll see when political science junior Sheri Valera finishes school.

While it might seem unbelievable that this head-turning, green-eyed brunette has never kissed a boy, it’s true. Valera has decided to wait until marriage to lock lips. Through her no-kissing stance, she’s determined to set an example for girls to have higher standards and to wait until they meet “the one.”

Oh, talk dirty to us Sheri!

O&B: What’s up with the no kissing policy?
Sheri: To guard my heart. It protects me emotionally and spiritually.

Awww!

O&B: If a guy were to kiss you, how would you feel?
Sheri: I’d slap him because that shows he is thinking only of himself.

ok, but how would you feel Sheri? A little bit too turned on maybe? Especially if the kissing was being done by Pete M. from The Dark Window?

O&B: Don’t you get the urge?
Sheri: Sure, but when I spend time with a guy, I surround myself with friends to not put myself in the situation.

Well I, uh, I’m not sure how you pronounce it or anything, but I, uh, I believe it’s M?nage ? Trois?

O&B: Does this mean you have kissed dating goodbye as well?
Sheri: No, but the guy has to initiate it.

Followed by… The Slap!

O&B: Do kissing scenes in movies make you squirm?
Sheri: Some movies I’m like ‘Awww.’ But most movies, the girl is too good for the guy. I’m like ‘NOOOO! Get your hands off! R-E-S-P-E-C-T!’ and want to sing Aretha Franklin.

You mean this song?

Ooo, your kisses (oo)
Sweeter than honey (oo)

Any last words Sheri?

O&B: Are you nervous about your first kiss being in front of everyone at your wedding?
Sheri: Yeah. But at the same time it will be a great encouragement to a lot of younger girls who are single.

We can’t add anything to that.

Added: More Sheri Valera related material here, here and there.

 

Comments: 32

 
 
 

How lucky for Sheri, anal sex can be performed with your back to the partner. No kissy.

 
 

Who let the Wonkette in disguised as “dirtyoldlady?”

 
 

Followed by… The Slap!

No joke, Seb! Go here if you want to see Sheri attacking a guy who who merely had naughty thoughts about her, or tried to goose her or something!

And here’s a quote from the article:

UF sophomore Sheri Valera teased Hamby about his outfit after she finished fighting him.

?I knew you were going to do something,? she told him after she was attacked from behind. ?It?s not like we can?t hear you coming up.?

So, I wouldn’t mess with her, if I were you. However, I bet you could take Ben …

 
 

Sorry, I can’t concentrate on Sheri; I’m so captivated by the news that Amber’s developing “a quality control system” for her writing that I can’t wrap my mind around anyhing else.

 
 

So, I wouldn’t mess with her, if I were you. However, I bet you could take Ben …

An asthmatic old lady with rheumatoid arthritis could take Ben. But I’d pay a dollar to see the resulting wedgie.

 
 

Help Hans Zeiger Speak At The RNC Convention!

Hooray! Our old friend Hans Zeiger, World Net Daily columnist and peer of Vox Day, has been selected as a finalist to speak at this year’s Republican Convention!

So mosey on over to the GOP Convention site and cast your vote for Hans. And while yo…

 
 

“I’m saving myself for a guy who wants a lifetime commitment to a dogmatic, controlling, emotionally stunted nut-case.”

Sheri should ask Ann Coulter how that strategy’s working out for her.

 
 

Ann has a srong belief in pre-marital (or extra-marital) sex.

 
 

Ann’s been around the block more times than a ’78 Pinto.

 
 

When I read something like this my first instict is to say something offensive like, “do you think she would let me jack off on her tits?” But I’m not going to, I refuse to go there. I will not stoop to that level. It’s inappropriate, and it’s not funny.

 
 

Over at GWBWYPGN?! I have kicked off Project Kiss Sheri Valera ? first person to provide photographic proof of lip-to-lip contact with Sheri, along with a written statement from at least one witness corroborating same, wins an exciting prize package that includes cash AND guest-blogging privileges. But be warned, I may be headed down to Jacksonville for the Georgia-Florida game in a few months, so if I see her there I’m just going to go for it myself. Better get a move on, suckas!

 
 

OH MY GAWD, you guys made me spit soda all over my keyboard. Shame on you! Especially dirtyoldlady and jefe. You owe me a keyboard.

 
 

Well, I’m a Miami grad, and I wouldn’t kiss a Gator chick anyway, so y’all can fight it out over this one.

 
 

Speaking of Amber, as regular readers surely know, she belongs to the Salvation Army Corps of Professional Virgins

Say what? I thought Amber was an admitted lover of cock! Are you suggesting that she’s a “technical virgin”?

 
 

“quality control system”? That’s a pretty fancy way to describe the “off” switch on her computer.

 
 

I’ve known professional virgins who were in their forties and fifties — some of them actually had children! I think this is mainly a southern concept.

 
 

I think I could admire her restraint if I knew that it had a principled basis – for example, if she believed we should restrain ourselves from invading oil-rich nations.

 
 

D’you think she’s any relation to Eammon De of that surname? I dimly remember that he had a few proclivities

 
 

20 bucks says her room is filled with stuffed animals.

 
 

What’s this? A liberal arts and science freshman? What is wrong with conservative arts and sciences. She must just so hate America>

 
 

Get your hands off! R-E-S-P-E-C-T!’ and want to sing Aretha Franklin

I thought the RESPECT Aretha was talking about was getting laid by your man?

I feel sorry for those that would attend her wedding. She’s probably one of those bad kissers, and would lick the guy’s whole face…

 
 

Hmmm….She won’t kiss someone, but she has no problem hitting someone.
I pity the fool that winds up with her. Nah, not really.

 
 

50 bucks says those stuffed animals have a Disney theme.

 
 

Man, I hate that I am so obsessed with women that have insane, regimented opinions of relationships. But I really would like to check in on Sheri every few years to witness the increasingly tortured logic she will craft to justify her five marriages and oxycontin habit.

The more self-deluded pseudo-self-respect, the greater the fall.

 
 

I hope Sheri never reads this website!! She would be mortified. I went to high school, and now to college with her. And while I didn’t know she had sworn off kissing until marriage, I do know that she is a perfect lady and a real sweet girl.

 
 

Shame on all of you, I know and I love Sheri, she’s a good Godly girl. Because she is standing up for some thing she believes in, your making a fool out of her. Remember Christ, remember that He, God, will judge you someday…

 
 

Shame on all of you, I know and I love Sheri, she’s a good Godly girl. Because she is standing up for some thing she believes in, your making a fool out of her. Remember Christ, remember that He, God, will judge you someday…

 
 

Shame on all of you, I know and I love Sheri, she’s a good Godly girl. Because she is standing up for some thing she believes in, your making a fool out of her. Remember Christ, remember that He, God, will judge you someday…

 
 

Along with what the last few people have said… Sheri is an awesome Godly young girl and she has accomplished more with her life than you will ever think to accomplish. Jordan is right… You will be judged by God for your comments and you will get no sympathy from me.

 
 

You go Sheri! We’re proud of you!!! Han& John

 
 

She’s probably one of those bad kissers, and would lick the guy’s whole face…

Wait, it’s bad when a girl does that?

 
 

Well, the fact that I got ~ 217 Google hits for “Sheri Valera” may indeed indicate that she has something special.

Yeah – a hot, smart woman who hasn’t been screwing around with idiots.

Go figure, apparently people like that.

http://www.google.com/search?q=%22sheri+valera%22&hl=en&lr=&ie=UTF-8&start=0&sa=N

 
 

(comments are closed)