Oh, The Things You’ll Learn at Confederate Yankee!
ABOVE: The Confederate Yankee Deployed in Local Mall to Provide Protection
for Christmas Holiday Xmas Winter Solstice Shoppers. Backup by Dafydd Ab Hugh
Bob Owens, a former car salesman who now blogs as the “Confederate Yankee,” doesn’t want you to “shop in fear” so he helpfully provides a few tips on how to escape a crazed mall shooter. Now frankly his advice to run like hell is pretty fricking obvious, but the rest of what he says is … well, you be the judge:
If you happen to be walking in the mall and a shooting occurs, get into the nearest store or side hallway.
Good idea, especially if the shooter is in the nearest store or side hallway.
Get low. Firearms, be they handguns, rifles, or shotguns, are typically fired from the shoulder. Most bullets or pellets travel roughly on a horizontal plane from shoulder to waist high.
This would be great advice if the shooter has a strange physical affliction that forces him to keep his arm parallel to the floor and unable to point down. Sadly, few shooters do.
Get out. Stores do not bring their merchandise in through the front door. Almost all have loading docks, and to comply with fire codes, an emergency exit that leads either to a back hallway, or provide directs access to the outside of the building. Look up for the “exit” sign on the ceiling at the back of the store, and make your way there as fast as possible, keeping as low as possible.
I know you fancy-pants city folk with multi-story malls are probably scoffing at the idea of running to the back of the Radio Shack on the second floor of the mall to find a loading dock, but you have to realize that the largest shopping mall Bob has ever seen was in Hobgood, North Carolina and had only ten stores, four of which had the word “dollar” in their names.
Once you make it outside, keep moving. Put as much physical space and as many physical objects between you and the scene as possible.
Now you have to wonder why on earth Bob thinks that he’s providing some great pearl of wisdom to his readers by saying that once outside you should get the fuck away as fast as possible. Is he worried that his typical reader might be unable to make it past the Applebee’s in the parking lot without popping in for a Chicken Fingers Platter or a Quesadilla Burger?
Get low.
Especially if the shooter is on the third floor of an atrium, plugging all on the ground floor. What a helpful soul CY is. Wasn’t there anything about falling by the gun counter to pick up a couple of pistols for self-defense?
He doesn’t mention looting, can we loot as we fly by? I just wanna know because it would probably be the only way I’d ever afford to get anything at Abercombie and Finch or Fitch, or Fish or whatever the hell it is.
Anyway, most wingnuts recommend carrying guns to thwart off the Big Evil, I’m surprised he doesn’t recommend sticking around to do battle, or does he leave his cell number so we can call him so he can be of service?
R. Bub: Which one?
Look, everybody, I have to go open a can of dolphin-safe tuna now. I’ll be back.
Just remember, it can be hard to run after shitting yourself with fear now that you’re actually face-to-face with the people you always read about me bragging about “how I’d deal with them”, so you may need to duck into the menswear section of J.C. Penney’s to get yourself a fresh pair of drawers! You’ll definitely see me there!
Love,
The Confederate Yankee
R. Bub: Which one?
You were taken in by the best attempt at fake me yet. Good show fake me! More obscenities please.
Yeah, I can’t wait until there’s one of these things at a mall & some “patriot” whips out his piece & starts firing randomly, wounding several people by accident before the police arrive, at which point the “patriot” will be plugged by the coppers, no questions asked.
The fact is, liberals would surrender to any gunman, especially if he was wearing a hijab or a trowel. You would expect tolerance and get killed. What you deserve, exactly.
Jesus Christ, everyone’s fake.
How do we know it was fake you? Or if you aren’t fake you? They both had your web log URL. And why isn’t any one faking me? What am I, chopped liver? Back to the tuna.
Is he worried that his typical reader might be unable to make it past the Applebee’s in the parking lot without popping in for a Chicken Fingers Platter or a Quesadilla Burger?
Considering the type of people who READ CY…
He doesn’t mention looting, can we loot as we fly by? I just wanna know because it would probably be the only way I’d ever afford to get anything at Abercombie and Finch or Fitch, or Fish or whatever the hell it is.
Looting is not allowed. Now “finding” stuff is fine, but only if you’re white.
The fact is, liberals will be outgunned because of their refusal to aknowldge their consitutional rights, which, as far as i am concerned, is fine if they are so suicidal as to be killed by patriots well betraying their country, of their own accord, they would deserve it.
Our friend Gary (fake or not-fake, who’s to know?) says:
Exactly where on the terrorist’s person does said terrorist wear said trowel? Sounds kinda uncomfortable . . . .
I thought he-man manly manly men men like CY and other rightie bloggers were supposed to give advice on HOW TO SHOOT BACK. I mean, they carry all of those guns for a reason, right?
Oops, I forgot the real reason:
“Glorified version of a pellet gun, feels so manly in my hand, yeah…”
The proud American shopper would probably ensure greater protection against shots from potential mass shooters by making sure that upon entering a mall, his or her firearm is loaded and visibly held in firing position, making sure to quickly scan the entry and walking environment for potential hostiles.
Once every mall is entered in this fashion by its shoppers, we should have less reason to fear the occasional mass shooting.
I just can’t figure out why CY didn’t just write “1. Don’t get shot.” and stop there? As good as the rest of his advice, methinks.
Wouldn’t Dafydd Huge Abs be more effective wielding a weapon he was more familiar with?
Like a Giant Sammich?
Is that a farm implement? If only there was someone from the Fuhrlund to tell me.
Stop criticalising, libs and making fun, you know your wrong, and that here in the Heartland we are not biased, love God, USA, out troops and our President, while you just hate everything, you are so immoral.
I’m actually surprised he doesn’t lay out a foolproof strategy to, um, neutralize the threat, the instructions larded with faux military argot and inaccurate or useless information. Get down, get out and get gone is pretty good advice: it’s his dumbass explanations of the obvious that derail his little train.
No, Millionaire, a trowel is something you have in a courtroom with a jury and such. Leastways, that’s what it is here in NC.
By the way, are you suggesting that Hobgood now has a mall, and you no longer have to drive to Tarboro to the Parkhill?
You know, in all honesty?
That Quesadilla Burger is pretty damn good…
What were we talking about?
mikey
Don’t forget, a well-thrown large Orange Julius is almost as good as pepper spray from a certain distance.
Also, if you are fleeing from a machete-wielding serial killer, find the nearest small room — preferably in a remote cabin in the woods — and lock yourself in. There’s no chance he’ll find you there!
Don’t forget, a well-thrown large Orange Julius is almost as good as pepper spray from a certain distance.
If you get a strawberry one the seeds could like stick in his eyes and stuff.
What??? What good is a wheeled grill? You might get one and then one day a storm could come and blow it over and then it’d be no good no more, and you’d have to get a bunch of your chickenhawk allies to give you money for yet another grill.
Dood.
Williams Sonoma has knives and cleavers and shit.
And those great big pan lids? Shields!
Oh, so the fucker has a rifle?
Then we’ll fight in the smoke!
mikey
Them stale donuts can make good weapons as well.
Dude, stop stealing my name. It isn’t polite.
The fact is, a muslim could strike at any time, with terror, but PC-based bias in the workplace and the schools means we cannot take out these terrorists before they strike, I hope its in a liberal enclave, then youll either get with the program or you will be devastated while we in the Heartland defend our own and emerge from ashes tryumphant.
Head to the Body Armor department at Sears. It’s right next to Lingerie.
Or look for asistance from the armed security guards who just got off work at the local megachurch.
“Put as much physical space and as many physical objects between you and the scene as possible.” Sound advice from an expert. Because if they weren’t “physical” space and objects, and just, say, Platonic ideals, they wouldn’t really slow the bullets down much, would they?
That is some of the most helpful christmas advice I’ve ever read. I’d hate for the kids to see Santa’s head get blown away. That could scar them for years. We’ll just bake treats for each other this year and stay away from the malls.
Platonic bullets! We need more!
Ummm….what sort of handgun is typically fired from the shoulder? I don’t want to mock his advice to stay low, which is probably a good call, but I’m pretty sure handguns of all shapes and sizes are pointed much like a finger (except that most of the mall-shooter types have seen too many movies about Da Hood, and believe it’s somehow more accurate if you hold it sideways).
Anyway, he probably meant well, but isn’t it sort of sad to see this scenario becoming so commonplace that there’s a how-to for it?
Yeah, let’s all practice outrunning bullets at the Sbarro because basement-dwellers like Confederate Yankee don’t want to see their long, hard, high-caliber penis-substitutes outlawed.
Try to put as much emotional space as possible between yourself and the mall.
Between this and the church shootings this weekend, every Cheeto-fondler who has Glock pinups on his bedroom wall is warbling about how much safer we would be if everyone could carry concealed weapons. Because everyone will be as level-headed, accurate, and astute in target selection as the law-enforcement-trained church security volunteer, you see.
In fact, I suspect that the group that would be most eager to carry would be the same group that started speculating that OMG IT MUST BE MUSLIMS every time one of these shootings happen. And believe me, if these people start carrying in public, you don’t want to look swarthy. You don’t even want to have a tan, my friend. If you don’t look whiter than a DAR bidet, the first time some sweaty-palmed patriot decides you look a little shifty while you’re waiting in line at the frozen yogurt place he’s gonna throw down and ventilate the two or three people standing near you. For FREEDOM!
The mall in that picture is the Mall of America. No one could possibly get shot there. They have signs at all the doors saying guns aren’t allowed inside. It’s a State Law! I feel safe as can be when I’m there. The few stabbings that have happened there have all been gang-on-gang.
Anyway, he probably meant well, but isn’t it sort of sad to see this scenario becoming so commonplace that there’s a how-to for it?
Yes.
El Cid said,
December 11, 2007 at 4:16
Try to put as much emotional space as possible between yourself and the mall.
Christmas catalogs. The discriminating shopper’s choice when it comes to mall defense.
A short pause for reality:
Actually, Mark, you are exactly right. You don’t respond defensively to a handgun threat based upon elevation.
If you are at zero range, and looking at the muzzle of a handgun, the thing you are trained to understand is that the point of aim is going to shift to the strong side. That is to say, a right handed shooter will pull to the right (your left) and a left handed shooter will pull to the left (your right).
The idea, such as it might be, is that you’re likely to get shot, but you might reduce the impact by moving laterally against their opposite hand. Sure, it’s a desparation move, but it’s based on the idea you’re about to get shot anyway, and at that point you’re just trying to stay alive.
If a shooter is cranking out rounds and you can’t see him, or can barely see him, you can’t “maneuver” against him. Hit the ground, freeze, and stay there until you have reason to believe it’s safe to move.
If he’s down to “shooting bodies” somebody’s gonna be along to engage him.
mikey
Try to put as much emotional space as possible between yourself and the mall.
Already got the Atlantic Ocean in there between us.
Emotionally speaking…
Oh yeah – and then’s there’s Number 11 in the ‘Survive a Shooting in A Mall’ Survival List:
FUCKING GUN CONTROL LAWS!!!
But hey, what does a foreigner know, right?
Gun-counter Gomer sure is taking an awful lot of words to say “Run for the exits!” which is pretty much the extent of his column.
And as for the mall-shootin’ terraists wearing hijabs and trowels – where exactly do you wear a trowel?
And I know it’s not just my imagination that all the mall shooter-uppers so far have been white guys in camo – so how do the brave commando right winger gun-nuts tell each other apart from the shooters?
Maybe it’s the trowel.
Well, you may all mock the trowelif you will, but it’s the only concrete evidence we have on the Islamofascists.
We can use it to build a wall of evidence.
Brick by brick.
Fake Gary No. 43:
“The fact is, a muslim could strike at any time, with terror…”
They hate us for our frozen-yogurt stands.
And tacky gadget shops. Those violate The Prophet’s divine command, Qu’ran 43:6.
Trowels sre used for spreading stuff, right?
Look, folks, in the words of Dear Leader, we have to confront tragedies of this kind by thinking “Keep Shopping”.
Yes, it could be dangerous, but it’s our patriotic duty to keep our economy running smoothly, so when shots ring out, lower your chin in determination and keep moving forward, to the sales rack, to the blue-light special, to the check-out counter.
Besides, the guy’s gonna run out of ammo sometime, right? And the stores will likely slash prices dramatically afterwards, to rev up the wallet dumping, so for the greater glory of our corporate nation, grit your teeth and KEEP SHOPPING, no matter what happens!
They hate us for our frozen-yogurt stands.
Do Islamofascists hate Pinkberry?
I tried to wear a trowel once, but it hurt, especially in my pants. It was like a sharp bladey thing designed to scrape, and it did. I gave up trowel-wearing, or anyone who wore trowels, forever.
I gotta say, it sure is weird watching people publicly humilate themselves and exhibit just an astounding lack of any self-awareness.
Run! Duck! Get behind shit!
Well, yeah!
CY and The Fact Is are truly, fantastically, almost surrealistically, abject fucktard morons of the first degree.
Speaking for myself, I love awesomeness even it its most lunatic terms.
I suppose that’s why I hang out here.
I am a drunk 12 year old.
a muslim could strike at any time, with terror
“Look out! He’s got terror, and he’s aiming at us! Run!”
If the gunman is wearing a trowel, chances are he’s part of a Masonic conspiracy, no?
Mommy, why does everybody have a gun?
Mommy, why does everybody have a gun?
Oh, please, would you shut the fuck up about Santa’s fart gas? You’re like that dork in study hall who won’t shut up. You’re just embarrassing yourself.
nice job atheist. Now you’ve ruined Christmas!!!
please don’t feed the trowels.
Masons are just another weird cult. Except for the brick-laying kind.
Wait! Those are the trowel-wearers!
Darn it. This is just going to wind up as more fuel for the fucktard fire. Get out your Kevlar, masons.
I would tell Masons they could rest easy, but the righties aren’t smart enough to know the difference.
This is CY’s idea of a crafty pre-emptive strike. When the next (copycat) Mall Suicide Killer strikes, CY gets to mock the victims who didn’t have the
good sensepatriotic American resolve to read and memorize the ConYanker’s wise instructions!Also, it has become obvious to even the meanest intelligence that the “If only those shoppers had been careful to bear their Second-Amendment-protected arms with them while stocking up for their Heartland-approved Christ-mas celebrations!!!!1!!!” meme, beloved as it will always be to a certain class of Reichtard slopebrows, was just going to get them beaten mercilessly about their rhetorical ears by the rest of us. Although possibly ConYanker could argue that his target reader isn’t smart enough to figure out “When someone starts shooting at random, run away” unless they’ve been given explicit directions in advance. He might be correct about that, for once in his blogging career…
Fake atheist = fake RB = Saul = (any number of names used by prior spammers).
Just a theory, mind you, but one our S,N! proprietors could easily put to the test.
LOL, Ann Laurie.
Perfect.
Stupid is as stupid writes.
I for one look forward to the armed version of the day after Thanksgiving, when people trample and stomp on each other already.
I never go out to shop on the day after T-Day. Just seems a little masochistic to me.
Add guns to that mix, and you’ve got yourself a realtity-TV show winner.
And CY and The Fact Is will…blame the Muslims, I suppose. Maybe the Mexcans. Perhaps the secularists for their materialistic binge.
Who knows what evil and stupidity lurks in the heart of the Moron?
So! Can I get you gentlemen something more to drink? Or maybe something to nibble on? Some pizza shooters, shrimp poppers, or extreme fajitas?” — Brian, a server at Tchochke’s, in “Office Space”
Also:
“Wow. This mall’s got everything.” — Jake to Elwood, “The Blues Brothers,” 1980
I personally have boner-inducing fantasies of sneaking up behind the shooter, taking him out somehow, though I’m pathetically unqualified except for rage and fear, some athletic ability; and the complete stupidity of the shooter, and subsequently getting to make some public statements about how stupid CY and The Fact Is are.
Dreams…never stop dreaming.
Try to put as much emotional space as possible between yourself and the mall.
This is good advice, season in, season out.
Masons are interesting. I don’t know anyone who’s a Mason right now. But I played a lot of halls across the country that were Masonic Temples. The one in Detroit is awesome. There’s a bar decorated with clowns.
Don’t have sex with a teenager.
Oh great, now you tell me.
Butbutbut! I thought you are supposed to charge upon and disarm the shooter! I can’t believe Ace would suggest RUNNING AWAY!
Go sober up. It’s a school night.
You’re fucking welcome.
I was scrolling down to write something but I see Anne Laurie pretty much wrote it.
Of course, he’ll also take credit for the survivors who would never have run away from the sound of gun fire unless he’d told them. He’ll probably want them to send him a check to pay for a new grill.
Damn, atheist. You’re usually pretty good here.
I suspect you’re gonna be a little embarrassed tomorrow morning…
mikey
Of course, he’ll also take credit for the survivors who would never have run away from the sound of gun fire unless he’d told them.
Thank god that someone is spreading the word. Just run from guns!
The first thing I’ll think of, If I ever hear gunfire erupt in the mall, is, “Oh, shit! Gunfire! What the hell was the advice on that website that one time? I think there were several items that I was supposed to remember, each more crucial to my survival than the last. I remember something about loading docks. I guess I should look around for a loading dock now. Hmm. I don’t see one. Oh, yeah, wasn’t there something about staying low? I’d better-“
Not the real atheist, one must suspect. Threatening physical violence, providing personal info & the like are one thing, but impersonation is going too far, & if I ever find out who’d doing this (but not stealing my name, that’s really hurtful) I will kick their ass & post their name & address on every sex offender site I can find.
Mikey, see my comment at 4:54.
Someone’s playing fake atheist. It’s probably Kevin.
If a trowel was just 5% less pointy or 5% more pointy, then it wouldn’t be any good for scraping. Therefore, a trowel is proof of intelligent design, which proves that no one in Bob Owens’ family has ever made a trowel.
Someone’s playing fake atheist.
So, they’re like a Buddhist?
or are they Christian?
I dunno, back when I was gardening I had the standard trowel, but then I also had the specialized narrow trowel for planting bulbs.
“Looting is not allowed. Now “finding” stuff is fine, but only if you’re white.”
‘Looting’ is merely ‘finding while black’. See the coverage of Katrina,
Dem ah loot, dem ah shoot, dem ah wail.
I have to say that CY’s article is much more sensible than I was expecting. Getting the fuck out of Dodge is about what I’m qualified for in any kind of firefight, not having been trained as a soldier or anything.
Then again, “stay away from malls” is what I’ve been doing lately, and I haven’t been shot yet.
Years ago my mom worked at a dry cleaners. Her location was just a pickup/dropoff spot, not the place where they used all the teratogens and carcinogens to get the clothes all sparkly clean (but not wet).
Anyway, there was a door in front of her (the main entrance), and a door just behind and to her left (for the guy with the truck to pick up the dirties and drop off the cleans).
One summer night, just before closing time at 9pm, she sees some guy walk fast past the front door. So, for some reason she turns to her left, just as he steps in with a handgun pointed at her gut.
She starts screaming, and doesn’t stop for a second.
The guy says something like, “Shut up,” but my mom’s on autopilot. So, he just turns around and beats feet.
Lucky for her. Lucky for the rest of us, too. She’s hoarse for a week. Several local vendors send over cold cut platters and cakes. There’s a front page story in our small city newspaper, and a radio interview conducted by telephone. Life returns to normal for several months.
Then my dad gets sick, ends up in the hospital, and comes this close to dying. It was the same weekend JFK got shot. I was 8. It coulda been one fuck of a year.
I’ve never really cared much for guns.
Or wingnuts either, come to think of it.
The fact is, liberals would surrender to any gunman, especially if he was wearing a hijab or a trowel.
Yeeeeaaaaah… I’m sure if I saw a transvestite Muslim with a mortar spreader on his head I’d probably surrender, but not before dying of laughter.
Thanks for the laughs, Gary. Now go eat your pie.
See, this is why I have hope.
You have to have some kind of serious indoctrination to actually STAY and consider fighting back when people are shooting real bullets at you.
Running away?
This makes a WHOLE lot of sense….
mikey
“it isn’t a bad idea to have an exit strategy in the back of your mind.”
First, greet the shooter with chocolates and flowers– no, wait — set up a democracy, complete with purple fingers — no, that’s not it either — hey! — don’t go to the mall in the first place! That helps in keeping emotional distance, too. Wish I’d thought of that.
This is the advice his readers pay big bucks for through paypal.
Um, it’s almost always the same person. You can tell who by the incapacity for cleverness and habit toward repetition…
And as for the mall-shootin’ terraists wearing hijabs and trowels – where exactly do you wear a trowel?
I demand trowel based photoshopping NOW!!!
Malkin fighting the ‘trowel men’ from Mexico City, Fudgehammer up against the magic islamic garden hose (of terror), the Al Quida islamofacist leaf raker up against our Jonah……..
I also had the specialized narrow trowel for planting bulbs
Seriously, all you have to do is screw ’em into the socket.
In our “employee safety” training after the 101 California shootout in San Francisco, we were told to drop to the floor and roll out of the shooter’s direct view because crazy, enraged people operate with tunnel vision and respond to motion. I don’t know if it’s true because I never had to test it, but it seems to be fairly out of synch with what Treason in Defense of Slavery has to say.
where exactly do you wear a trowel?
They are perfectly acceptable for a casual evening out, but should be considered too coarse for formal affairs or the theater.
Lucky for her. Lucky for the rest of us, too. Jeebus, Rightwing.
Best regards to your mom. Hope she’s well.
But “Duck & Cover” would have worked just fine, if they’d nuked us.
OK, so far I’ve got:
Wanker’s Knob
Carp Bait
Persnickety Wiseacre
Vermin Holler
and the always heeelarious
I Fucked My Niece, TN
Much more useful advice: “Serpentine Shelly. Serpentine!” Where’s Peter Falk when you need him?
“Best regards to your mom. Hope she’s well.”
Thanks, g. That was back in ’63.
She finally died in December, 2000 at a ripe old age (but not from a gunshot wound) without ever finding out who
wongot picked in that election. She voted for Gore. She always voted for the dem.I’ve gotta agree with Sam and Mikey and the others – CY’s advice seems really sensible, especially considering how many right-wing pundits use these tragedies to engage in bullshit rootin’ tootin’ gunfight fantasies.
That said, though – the “I’m a-scared, Tommy!” culture of fear goes right on rolling along…
Typically when I take my family to the mall we move in a bounding overwatch movement. We use this classic small unit movement technique when we’re pretty sure we’re gonna make contact with a mall psycho killer. Plus, you know, we just feel closer as a family when we’re heavily armed and ready to grease some bad guys. Here in Teh Heartland you just have to be prepared. And all those years playing SoCom Seals on my Playstation are now paying off big time in the real world.
My son, Bubba Jr., is pretty handy with the SAW and therefore lays down supressing fire when we make contact with the deranged psycho killer. Junior becomes the watch element with my wife, Bobbi Sue, who is armed with an M4 rifle set to automatic fire. At first contact they both lay down a heavy supressing fire so the other elements in our “family unit” can move towards the psycho killer.
Meanwhile my daughter Susie Jean and I form the bounding element and move forward towards the psycho as Bubby and Mom pour on the supressing fire. Susie Jean then throws a couple of smoke grenades to help conceal us from the psycho killer, and then when we’re in position to provide covering fire, we take over the supressing fire while Junior and the wife now move their element forward. I tell ya, we’ve practiced this so much that we all think as one under fire.
Meanwhile Grammie Bev stays in the rear to provide reserve firepower if needed. The old bat is pretty handy with a grenade launcher. Plus she can call in the arty strike if it’s needed. My brother Ed Earl is in the parking lot with a M105 just in case we need some heavy artillery. We’ve mapped out the coordinates of every inch of the mall, so Ed Earl can lay down a strike right on top of the psycho killer.
We’ve practiced this mall movement technique in the back yard for months in anticipation of a hairy holiday season down at the mall.
It’s gonna be a Merry Christmas!
If you hear heavy-labored breathing coming from the basement and/or storm cellar, move quickly to that location in a tippy-toe manner. If you suspect that it is your girlfirend who was bitten only hours earlier by a creature out in the woods, you are likely correct. Enter. She will be happy to see you and will lavish upon you many kisses for coming to her aid.
Actually, “get low” is genuinely good advice. Yes, the shooter can aim down. What we’re avoiding here is bullet spray. Bullets traveling more-or-less parallel to the ground will go until they hit the wall or some other obstruction. Bullets aimed not parallel to the ground will either hit the floor or reach relatively safe height much more quickly. Even if random shots weren’t most often fired more-or-less parallel to the ground (and they are), geometry dictates that the most dangerous height to be at is the height of the gun, which is generally equal to the height of the shooter’s shoulder. Crouching moves you out of the plane where bullets are most likely to be. The reduction in visibility is a significant bonus as well.
If the shooter is aiming specifically at you, being low isn’t very helpful but it doesn’t hurt either. If nothing else, the fact that he has to aim down at you means that any shots that miss you will hit the floor instead of going downrange to take out other people who think they’re too smart to duck.
“She will be happy to see you and will lavish upon you many kisses for coming to her aid.”
Wow. That gave me a little wood. Not that you needed to know.
Also, anyone who is deriding the fact that most of these suggestions are “common sense” has obviously never worked in the emergency services.
“Good idea, especially if the shooter is in the nearest store or side hallway.”
The point here is that if you don’t KNOW where the shooter is, he’s unlikely to be in the nearest store or side hallway, and both of these are much less visible (and much safer) than following our instincts, which will generally send us along the main thoroughfare to the nearest exit.
“…Radio Shack on the second floor of the mall to find a loading dock…”
Yes, he worded that sentence poorly. But even the Radio Shack on the second floor might very well have a back room and/or an exit to the service corridors of the mall. Even if it doesn’t, you’re better off spending a few seconds looking than you are poking your head out into the shooting gallery.
“why on earth Bob thinks that he’s providing some great pearl of wisdom to his readers by saying that once outside you should get the fuck away as fast as possible”
Because people don’t. Not stupid people. Just people, who are scared, and shocked, and may very well have become separated from loved ones in the rush. Instinct pulls us into clusters in the parking lot– it happens in every fire and every shooting. In both cases that instinct puts us in immediate danger and makes the work of emergency responders much more difficult. Something he fails to mention is “stay out of your damn car”. You’ll get to a safe distance faster on foot, and a mass evacuation of panicked drivers gridlocking the lanes is the only thing worse than clusters of gawkers for emergency response teams. And again, it’s something that happens every single time.
We don’t mock him because he’s right, we mock him because he’s Gun Counter Gomer (or is that someone else?) I mean, good on him for giving practical, intelligent advice but otherwise, fuck him.
Now frankly his advice to run like hell is pretty fricking obvious, …
Obvious? The audience that he’s writing to is much more likely to stand there pissing their pants, shouting time-honored anti-Clinton curses and praising jeebus for the second amendment than to think to move.
Agreed Persnickety, and agreed, Raka, you both have good points. This last Saturday the hubby and I were accidental first responders to a guy who simply dropped dead in the snow while out in the back country; at least the guy probably had a good day skiing before his time came. But as usual, the scene of dealing with the public when Alpine SAR and the sheriff is on the way is always, always the same. You tell them they might want to get out of the area before the numerous vehicles come and plug everything up on the sideroads, and they first want a 10 minute desertation on what happened, is the guy OK, wow that’s a shame, how were you involved, etc. That’s what newspapers are for, so please clear the area, OK?
jimmiraybob: “The audience that he’s writing to is much more likely to stand there pissing their pants, shouting time-honored anti-Clinton curses and praising jeebus for the second amendment than to think to move.”
Ayup. And so are you, and so am I. Anyone who hasn’t gone through extensive training react instinctively to a panic situation. For about half of people, that means freezing up– and not just from fear; the sudden information overload and hormone crash are significant factors. Most of the other half will take sudden and decisive action on the first thing that comes into their panicked minds, which is why people do things like straightening the clothing on a heart attack victim or grabbing random and valueless items on the way out of a burning building. There are many more; these are favorite stories among emergency responders. “Things that seem like a good idea when you’re in an armed stand-off with the police” are some of the best (pillow forts appear more often than you’d think).
Anyone with extensive training is better off, but not immune. Training doesn’t give you the ability to think rationally in panic situations. It just increases the chances that your gut reaction will be a useful one. My ambulance squad training included an abbreviated police tactics course, so I know what to do if caught in a mall shooting. I know intellectually, anyway. If it ever actually happened? I can’t say for sure, but I’m betting on “pillow fort”.
C’mon. I expect this kind of “Everyone should be Bruce Willis” crap from the chickenhawk righties, not from our team. CY should be applauded for giving sensible advice rather than telling folks to be Rambo. Not that the advice is necessarily useful; “how to respond in a public shooting” is about as practical for Joe Public as “what to do when struck by meteors”. But think of it like toilet-training a toddler: small steps in the right direction should never be discouraged.
“Find a young person (see ‘child’) and throw them into the shooters line of sight. Since they’re young, they’ll recover faster from their wounds….hopefully.”
You can run, but you’ll only die tired.
Actually…the get low comment is right but not for the reason he stated.
When firearms recoil, the tendency is for them to move upward. So while it may not add much, it does add some margin of survivability to be lower to the ground.
However, this is such a low probability event and speaks more the conservative mindset of fear rather than any practical advice.
Can’t really argue with most of the comments here, esp. Raka’s.
One thing that might be helpful (since I’m one of those guys that got the military training) is to vary movement direction and speed and to make maximum use of cover and concealment. Zig-zag, run/jog/run/jog/crawl/run
“Cover” is those physical objects CY was talking about. Benches, signs, low walls, anything substantial enough to stop or significantly slow down a bullet.
“Concealment” won’t protect you for crap, but it will hide you from sight. Mannequins, displays, those posters advertising “Holiday Sale!!!”
Quickly survey any danger areas (places open to view) and figure out how to avoid them or pass them quickly. Try to avoid windows or passageways in which you give a silhouette. Stay in shadow. In a mall-type situation, it would actually be somewhat helpful to kill the lights in the shop/corridor/whatever you happen to be in. If the shooter is in the light, he won’t be able to see in very well. That might buy you enough time to find a way out.
Learn how to low and high crawl. Use crawls to get through small danger areas, or run like hell (but never expose yourself for more than 3-5 seconds if at all possible)
Lastly – don’t go to malls. Nobody shoots up second-hand stores or funky old neighborhood shopping districts.
Anyone who hasn’t gone through extensive training react instinctively to a panic situation. For about half of people, that means freezing up–
Happily, I’ve never seen this in person, but I totally believe it. A friend of mine has an amazing example of this on videotape. He was living in the troubled parts of L.A. during the post-Rodney-King riots, and taped a bunch of news coverage. One bit he showed me has a reporter on the street clucking her tongue ever so disapprovingly of the violence, when suddenly a shopkeeper emerges from a nearby store and begins firing a pistol at some rioters who are out of view. They start returning fire. The reporter just sort of offlines, unable to do anything but repeat “What’s happening?” and you can hear a cameraman saying “We’re in a gunfight. We have to leave.”
Pretty amazing stuff. I was impressed with the cameraman’s presence of mind.
C’mon. I expect this kind of “Everyone should be Bruce Willis” crap from the chickenhawk righties, not from our team.
I may have been insensitive and/or unclear but I certainly wasn’t implying that a Rambo-type action would be advisable – far from it, it would be suicidal. I would, and have, instinctively run, ducked and rolled when necessary and highly recommend it. I was attempting to comment on the incongruence of the general fantasy world of the right wing tough-guy mentality and reality. Now the shouting time-honored anti-Clinton curses and praising jeebus for the second amendment was sheer gratuitous mocking and probably could have been left out…but I was in that kinda mood.
Does anyone have any advice for those times when you go shopping and the mall is full of shambling zombies?
Cricket bat or golf iron?
Get low. Firearms, be they handguns, rifles, or shotguns, are typically fired from the shoulder. Most bullets or pellets travel roughly on a horizontal plane from shoulder to waist high.
Um….pellets? ROFLMAO!
“Today, a disgruntled teen fired off an automatic pellet gun. Six people died from asphyxiation from laughing at the incompetent boob, while two people claimed to have their eyes nearly taken out.
The weapon, a modified Red Ryder BB gun (c. 1940), was confiscated as the octogenarian rent-a-cop shambled over and took the suspect, known only as “Ralphie” out with his Glock 9 with armor piercing bullets.”
Gary Ruppert said,
December 11, 2007 at 3:41
The fact is, liberals will be outgunned because of their refusal to aknowldge their consitutional rights, which, as far as i am concerned, is fine if they are so suicidal as to be killed by patriots well betraying their country, of their own accord, they would deserve it.
I agree with Gary, surprisingly. Right wing patriots DO betray this country…
Smut Clyde,
That only works if you’re in a Tesco’s in near London, or the Winchester.
Here in America, it’s Louisville Slugger. My choice would be the Reggie Jackson 44 oz model, but I’ve got a bit of experience in swinging one of those, so wouldn’t recommend it for your amateur, unless he or she took proper training in the use and storage of the Jackson.
Now, for the ladies, a good aluminum softball bat…maybe a Lisa Fernandez special, with the orange metal casing…should suffice, but she should be particularly careful with her aim.
Your amateur male could probably get away with a Jose Reyes model, but be careful to utilize the backswing as well as the two-handed front swing.
It kinda figures that a non-veteran, non-cop conservatard thinks he knows what to do if someone starts taking potshots at him down ta tha Wal-Mart. But given his lack of experience and lack of qualifications, he’s just making himself look like an ass. I bet he’d actually pee himself if he were actually in the situation he’s fantasizing about.
Notice that, against type, Meester Yanqui encourages his readers to RUN AWAY, not to pull out their popguns and shoot that there evildoer dead. I rest my case.
Here in America, it’s Louisville Slugger.
Much obliged.
Remember, people, that when you are besieged in the mall by shambling zombies, body shots don’t work — aim for head-shots.
I have also learned recently (i.e from watching videos last night) that when defending yourself from Killer Klowns from Outer Space, you have to aim for their big red noses.
actor212: good response (poor Ralphie!), but TIDOS Yanker was probably referring to shotgun pellets. Not that a BB gun couldn’t PUT OUT YOUR EYE!! THAT’S NOT A TOY!! PUT IT DOWN THIS INSTANT!!
“However, this is such a low probability event and speaks more the conservative mindset of fear rather than any practical advice”
And the correct answer was staring me in the face all this time.
Damn.
actor212: “Um….pellets?”
Yeah, who knows. I figure he’s probably talking about shotguns, but that sort of invalidates his “travels horizontally” argument, since shot spreads in a cone.
I’m not sure I agree with your Louisville slugger. Granted, there’s something to be said for sticking with a familiar tool. But both wood and aluminum are too breakable for my taste. I’d hit the hardware store and pick out a crowbar (though unlike Gordon Freeman I’d hold it with the bent end towards me; striking with it is more effective but just begs for it to get grabbed or stuck in a bit of bone at an inconvenient moment). If we’re dealing with an infestation of fast zombies, I’d get a machete from the garden department. Sure, it’s crap for busting skulls. But severed muscles can’t run or grab, so my panicked flailing at the hissing twitching bastards will actually have some effect.
Actually, machete might be the way to go regardless. I’m not confident in my ability to consistently destroy skulls with anything short of a halberd– they’re tough nuts mounted on sproingy shock absorbers. Also, hitting their head with bat or bar puts me in grab-range, and an imperfect hit won’t even slow them down. A nice light machete can take out fingers, jaws, and tendons all day long.
Raka,
You have to stop and sharpen the machete or else it gets caught in the flesh. Trust me, I’ve done butchering. If you’re under siege, you have a limited effective range, which means you have to think. That’s not something I’d care to do in a zombie storm.
I like the crowbar idea…it has heft, but not bulk and you can stick it in your sleeve when you’re not using it. I had thoughts of The Club at one point…you know, it comes apart so you have a main gauche to drive zombies back as well as a short club, but then the serrations on the stabber made me think twice about it.
Raka, the problem with a machete is that you get some of that zombie blood on you and who knows what you’re in for, right? I mean, that one guy got a drop in his eye and two minutes later he’s trying to eat his own daughter’s face. So some kind of eye protection and face mask stuff is in order — of course, if the choice is between *maybe* getting some zombie goo on you and *definitely* being eaten by a horde of shambling corpses, chop away obviously.
Love the comments on Treason in Defense of Slavery’s site. Mostly working themselves into a tizzy that the media can’t tell a genuine AK-47 from a Romanian AK-47 knockoff or whatever gunwank thing they’re on now. But I loved Northern Cletus’s contributions to his own comments:
“I can give you good advice about how to get out of the line of fire and out of the mall through less-used exits that you probably would have never thought of on your own, but you’re free to distill that advice down into absurd, meaningless elements that you will then ignore.”
Because really, “exit the building in a direct and rapid manner” isn’t really one of those brilliant, I-Would-Never-Think-Of-That things. Using the less obvious exits is probably a good idea (I usually have an “exit plan” when I go somewhere, just out of habit really; of course what makes the less-used exits valuable is that they’re less-used). People don’t do that because they panic or they don’t even know that something’s very wrong in the first place. And telling people not to panic is like telling them to be stronger, or healthier, or smarter, in that on its own it’s utterly useless.
The good thing about zombies is that they don’t move too quick and they are very poor shots. So you can just run like hell. Unless you happen to have the cute-girlfriend-who-turns-out-to-be-a-zombie-zomg when you make your move for an in-mall smooch.
That happens a lot whenever I watch zombie movies, so I’d be careful about it.
All this talk of snipers and zombies makes me glad I’m sending my monkey servants out to the malls to do my Christmas shopping.
Doesn’t solve the problem of what to get the monkey that has everything though…
The problem with wingnut advise is that once they have no RNC talking points the advise goes in all directions.
We discussed another wingnut commentary that made much more sense. FOLKS, SHOPPERS IN MALLS ARE STUPID SHEEP!!! You see, a mall is all too ofen a gun free zone. So you do not have an ample contingent of armed and dangerous citizens who would make a short work of a wannabe mass killer.
So, if you absolutely must buy some nonsensical useless stuff, shop downtown. Even if there was a particularly deranged wannabe mass killer who forgot about numerous citizens with concealed weapons just waiting for a good cause, in the fleeting moment before they guy (sometimes, a gal) gets gunned down you have more options. Backdoors, basements, on the street, you can hide under a car (do not forget to meow) etc. Stores rarely extend to the second floor, and if they do, you can jump through a window, would the creep be walking up.
A more sensible course of action is to buy yourself and your loved ones something which is actually useful. Joe’s Gun Emporium not only has a nice selection of guns and ammo, but also very good departments for fishing, and archery and some camping stuff too. Why, there are even excellant toys! I recall that they had to introduce a ban on duck calls. Or buy your 3-year old daugher a hunter’s camouflage.
The fact is, zombies would surrender to any liberal, especially if he was armed with a trowel.
Sorry, missing part of the sentence. In my highschool, they banned duck calls because during recess boys were making assorted calls, duck in love, duck quietly quacking and ducks dying a terrible ducky death.
Re: looting while there is a killer on the rampage. Actually, a very sensible suggestion. Among hundreds if not thousands of shoppers usually only a small fraction gets massacred. Grabbing apparel is probably a bad idea though, as the size can be wrong. Run to Sears and get a refrigarator or a 60 inch TV — then you simply cannot go wrong. For that matter, Sears may have the only hardware department in the entire mall, and there I would suggest getting yourself a nail gun.
Re: the largest mall seen by Confederate Yankee was a 7 store affair in ….
Ah, the big-suburb sophistication that one can get in mega-malls! I could never aspire to that level. Seriously, the worst experience during some driving vacations was visiting a mega-mall in Paramus. I have no problems navigating inside and around Newark Airport. I even managed to drive out of Jersey City. But the mall in Paramus (one of twin pair of malls!! are there any sane people in NJ north of Rt. 80?) is a monstrocity where you get lost in the parking lots, each stores is several times larger than it has to be, distances inside are enormous, and driving out is nearly as confusing as driving out of Jersey City.
Recent reporting of the so-called ‘zombie problem’ has been deplorable, and irresponsible in the extreme. Despite the alarmist headlines, the vast majority of shopping-malls are not choked with hordes of shambling brain-eating zombies. I therefore urge consumers to ignore the exaggerated reports in the tabloid press, and continue with their Christmas shopping, in total confidence about their safety. The important point is that malls do not discriminate against metabolically-challenged shoppers.
As for the question of ‘cortically-enhanced monkey servants running amok’…
b-r-a-i-n-s-s-s
Sorry, what was I saying?
Does anyone have any advice for those times when you go shopping and the mall is full of shambling zombies?
Cricket bat or golf iron?
I’d go for the cricket bat myself, Smut, if only because as a skip I’m more familiar with our national game. The downside of a golf iron is that, while it will sweep through your zombie’s midsection in a swift and pleasing manner, it will probably get stuck in the ribs, allowing said zombie’s cohorts to shamble up and eat your brain. Even if they don’t, you’ll have trouble extricating your weapon from the midsection, and will probably only succeed in spraying decomposing zombie all over the place.
Whereas with a cricket bat, you get to whack the head, with a satisfying ‘thunk’ of wood on skull, a great distance, possibly hitting it for a six. An added bonus is that you can then use the body in your trebuchet, neatly knocking down the massed ranks of shamblers and allowing for the classic moment of humour as they try to get up again while arguing over ‘who’s got my leg’.
>Come on guys, what makes you think I’m a troll?
For me it was the total lack of funny.
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