St. Peggy of the Dolphins on St. Mitt of the Osmonds
Needless to say, St. Peggy thinks that St. Mitt’s speech was even better than getting a Grey Goose martini buzz on while listening to the fifty thousand shrieking angelic voices of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing “Little Drummer Boy” accompanied by what sounds like the Xavier Cougat Orchestra playing Ravel’s “Bolero.” Or while listening to Donny and Marie singing “Make the World Go Away.”
Which reminds Peggy of something she’s been meaning to say for a long time:
I’d rather be governed by Donny and Marie than the Washington establishment.
As usual Peggy can’t write a column without saying something that makes her sound like some drunk you get stuck sitting next to on an 11-hour flight.
Nor could she write a column on someone with a Reaganesque pompadour without the obligatory swoon:
Who is that handsome man saying those nice things?
Nor without writing a sentence that makes absolutely no sense:
His text was warmly cool.
And I suppose you could say that Peggy’s writing style is intelligently moronic. Perhaps it could be called obtusely transparent. No, soberly intoxicated is the phrase I was searching for.
I’d rather be
governeddominatedsandwiched by Donny and Marie than the Washington establishment.Who is that crazy woman saying those ridiculous things?
I’d rather be governed by Donny and Marie than the Washington establishment.
That peggy, such a rebel!
A marvelous ‘Shoppery™ there, Clif. (Or whoever.)
As far as Peggy goes, however, I found his text coolly warm. (How far does Peggy go? It would be irresponsible not to speculate.)
The angel of the Mormon church is named “Moroni”.
There’s a clue right there about what Joseph Smith thought about the country rubes he was fleecing.
I guess that would explain why they spell the epithet “moran” now, tho…
Or while listening to Donnie and Marie singing “Make the World Go Away.”
Or while listening to Marie Osmond reciting Hugo Ball’s poem Karwane:
Don’t be such Osmond haters!
Btw that poem is about elephants
My favorite line from Mrs. Noonan (I’m civil!): “It is a great tragedy that there is no replacement for that signal phrase of the 1980s, “Gag me with a spoon.””
Wow. Such a desperately unsuccessful attempt at being all Gen-X snarky.
there’sh no need to drag me into thish discussion.
The term ‘moron’ hadn’t actually been coined yet and wouldn’t for about eighty more years. One theory is that ‘Moroni’ (who was actually a human figure in the Book of Mormon, later to be shoehorned into one of the many versions of Smith’s revelatory dream) was named after this.
Holy fuck!
That is deep stupid.
Speaking of Bony Maroni: All I know is, I don’t never, EVER want to hear Donnie & Marie sing “Land of a Thousand Dances.”
Great. Now I’ve got an image of Peggy mooning over Mitt while on the soundtrack, up with a swell, comes “And they called it . . . puppy lo-o-o-o-ove . . .”
What the hell–I read the beginning scrolled down once expecting to finish up, and then noticed that my scroll-bar thingy still had like eleventy-billion miles to go. What is that, 50,000 words? On Mitt Romney’s “Bigots, please vote for me even though I’m a slightly different kind of bigot” speech? How can anybody be this excited about such an unremarkable candidate?
Answer: 7 wake-up cosmos and an unpredictable menopausal libido.
Great. Now I’ve got an image of Peggy mooning over Mitt…
Great. Now I’ve got an image of Peggy mooning Mitt.
i find her work creatively barren, filthily clean yet with un soupcon of a ton of idiocy.
that said…
i do love her for thinking that she’s a little bit punk rock for name-checking donny and marie, plus BOOM dropping some “gag me with a spoon” science.
perhaps she’s in love with britt daniel. it would be irresponsible etc.
“My feeling is we’ve bowed too far to the idiots.”
At least she gets in a jab at the freepers at the end. Maybe she’s redeemable?
uh, ok maybe not.
Now I’ve got an image of Peggy mooning over Mitt while on the soundtrack, up with a swell, comes “And they called it . . . puppy lo-o-o-o-ove . . .”
Puppy love? Is Peggy strapped to the top of a station wagon in your dream?
His text was warmly cool.
My own impression is that he was coldly being warm . . .
I am deeply offended that Peggy gets a lapel pin and not Jesus. After all, it’s clearly written in the New Testament that the End Times will be inspired by the wickedness of our nation. In his letter to the Collosians, John explicitly describes the lapel pin worn by Jesus at the Last Supper. Then, later in Revelation, it is suggested that the End Times will be wrought by abortive gay marriages in the nation that wears such lapel pins.
“My feeling is we’ve bowed too far to the idiots.”
But that’s why Mitt had to give the speech, you see. In which he “made some history,” in Peglet’s cutesy-pie phrase. That’s why McCain embraced Falwell.
It’s “the idiots” who comprise Bush’s (= the GOP’s = Peglet’s) non-rich constituency. Who BUT idiots can still believe, at this point, that the Republican Party is the party of anything but corporatists and idiots?
Damn, that white jesus had him some great hair…
mikey
Ah Peggy, don’t you know he’s just saying all those sweet lies to get you in bed with him? He won’t be there in the morning. He won’t take your calls. Just ask K-Lo. Or Saint Hugh of the Manboobs. They keep waiting for the Mittster to call them back sure it will be any day now. And they will not be ignored!
I’m not sure Mitt has enough white bunnies.
“Damn, that white jesus had him some great hair…”
Hey, man – Jesus is Magic.
PS – some pretty funny Jesus PhotoShopping over at LG&M.
Umm, Peggy, here’s my rough estimate of the percentage of Evangelical voters who would vote for a candidate with the following religious beliefs:
1. Evangelical Christian (99.9%)
2. Mainline Protestant (65%)
3. Roman Catholic (40%)
4. Jewish (15%)
5. Buddhist (2%)
6. Zoroastrian (1.5%)
7. Mormon (1%)
8. Hindu (0.5%)
9. Satanist (0.01%)
10. Atheist (0.0%)
You Republicans made this mess. Excuse me while I laugh at your attempts to rein in your bigots.
9. Satanist (0.01%)
At first glance I thought your putting Satanists ahead of atheists was odd, but after a bit of thought I agree. I imagine the “thinking” would go something like “…at least they believe in something.”
Well done.
…where do Quakers fit in there, being a peace church and all? I’d put them just behind Buddhists, I think.
Sam, that’s exactly why I put them ahead of atheists (being an atheist myself, I’ve actually heard that argument). I agree with you about the Quakers. If you’re for peace, you lose at least 95% of their votes.
being an atheist myself, I’ve actually heard that argument.
Wow, there’s the power of faith, regardless of what the faith is in, I suppose. It sounds like the same kind of wool-headed thinking that leads people to claim that Christian rock is really Satanic because the beat is inherently evil.
But why only 99.9% of fundagelicals voting for an evangelist Christian? Does the other 0.1% account for some tiny minority who actually consider policy?
But why only 99.9% of fundagelicals voting for an evangelist Christian? Does the other 0.1% account for some tiny minority who actually consider policy?
No, I’m accounting for the percentage that would say the candidate was from the wrong evangelical church.
I’m accounting for the percentage that would say the candidate was from the wrong evangelical church.
Aha. Thanks.
I wonder how much it would cost a woman of a certain age to be “governed” by Donny and Marie lookalikes at your average DC knocking shop? It’s probably a standard item on the menu; I’d bet that Orrin Hatch would know.
To be fair, [i]I’d[/i] rather be ruled by Donny and Marie than by the Washington establishment.
The rhythm really is going to get you!
Emo Philips joke:
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: “Stop! Don’t do it!”
“Why shouldn’t I?” he asked.
“Well, there’s so much to live for!”
“Like what?”
“Are you religious?”
He said, “Yes.”
I said, “Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?”
“Christian.”
“Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?”
“Protestant.”
“Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?”
“Baptist.”
“Wow! Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?”
“Baptist Church of God.”
“No kidding? Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?”
“Reformed Baptist Church of God.”
“Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?”
He said: “Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915.”
I said: “Die, heretic scum,” and pushed him off.
“Mormons have been, in American history, hardworking, family-loving citizens whose civic impulses have tended toward the constructive.”
Oh my goodness. I’m guessing this woman knows about zero to nothing in regards to the history of Mormons. How about their ‘civic impulses’ to slit the throats from ear to ear of anyone they perceived as an enemy in the early days? Maybe Pegs should look into the history of Mormonism’s institutional racism or read up about practices like blood atonement. Hell, I’ll settle for her reading the Wikipedia entry on the Mountain Meadows massacre if that will set her even a little straight.
Here’s a concept, Pegs: if you don’t know something about any given subject, you don’t write about it like you do.
Is Peggy strapped to the top of a station wagon in your dream?
Well, yes, but I must admit that was a different dream.
I’m guessing this woman knows about zero to nothing in regards to the history of Mormons.
Agreed.
If you rewrite her statement to read like this:
“Many Mormons, apart from those in religious or secular leadership positions or asipiring to them, are hardworking, family-loving citizens whose civic impulses have tended toward the constructive.”
Then it more closely matches my experience with Mormons, depending on how you define “constructive” and note that the impulses are so, not necessarily the actions.
A friend of mine puts it like this – “Mormons are some of the nicest, best-natured, most generous people you could hope to meet, but they’re stupid as sticks.” I sort of agree, but for “stupid as sticks” I read “authoritarians”.
At first glance I thought your putting Satanists ahead of atheists was odd, but after a bit of thought I agree. I imagine the “thinking” would go something like “…at least they believe in something.”
LaVey-style Satanism seems tailor-made for Republicans. A belief in a creator-God, combined with staunch libertarian philosophy.
I believe Wayne Brady in How I Met Your Mother said it best concerning Donnie and Marie, at least as far as the Republicans go:
“She was a little bit country, he was a little bit way into black guys.”
Shorter Pegeen: “Say what you will about National Socialism — at least it’s an ethos!”
[…] Afternoon in America TM? Warmly cool? Noonan spouts sensible nonsense. And then a moment of clarity. And feeling. “My feeling […]
Is it OK that I just hate Mitt because he’s a canned, arrogant little shitbag and not because he’s a Mormon? I mean, I never met a Mormon I didn’t have to tell to bugger off and stop trying to convert me and all, but still, Mitt’s just a little shit.
Oh well, as Zappa said of Marie Osmond (or rather sang), “Bite, bite it Marie!”.
I can’t put my finger on why, but the older Peggy gets, the more she reminds me of Norma Desmond. Not the one Gloria Swanson played in “Sunset Boulevard”, but the parody Carol Burnett did.