Longer Ace Of Spades
Democrats Desperately Seeking Surrender
—AceIt’s what they do. It’s all they do. And they absolutely will not stop until the victory is dead.
Democrats! Democrats! Thy hateful name is as a blister upon the tongue! In the very hour of this, our hard-waged victory in Iraq, the honor of America is fouled, is begrimed, the flag of our fathers is tramped through mud and offal, by the plot of military surrender — an order to lay down arms and submit to the enemy — hatched by the Democrat parasite within. O! white flags, O! grim and deadly marches, as our bravest sons and daughters are interred bodily in prison camps, their lives to be forfeit at the pleasure of the cruel Musselman. This, my readers, is the thunderous outrage of military surrender, which word I use in careful measure. Or strictly, I guess I mean ‘a disputed claim that the Pentagon will have to lay off a number of non-crucial civilian DoD employees, if Bush carries through on his threat to veto the Defense Appropriations Bill.’*
…As well he should! God-damn those Democrats and their making-the-President-veto-things! The physical destruction of the troops may already have begun — crematoria may already blacken the Iraqi sky with the horror of 150,000 American mothers, as the wholesale, mechanized slaughter of our naked, helpless troops intensifies toward total annihilation, and you-know-what, and so on. [coughs]
Uh, I refer the reader to the ever-reliable Mr. Jules Crittenden — employed through some affirmative-action program for grandiloquent crackpots at the Murdoch-owned Boston Herald — who has chosen to misunderstand this story in order to inflame his stupid-headed readers in a way congenial to my own such purpose. Crittenden carries with him the smell of Kipling and roasting pork, and when drunk, sings ‘Rise O Voices of Rhodesia.’ Though not yet an old man, an astringency of spite has consumed his recent years. When he blows his top, the dog and cat run under the couch. I would be pleased to call him friend if I felt better about leaving my apartment when people are watching. We would talk of the depravity of liberalism and maybe smoke cigars or play poker at a baize-covered table. I would offer him a beer and he would say “Yes, by damn, I want one,” and then we will be drinking some beers there.
But I suppose it’s working. General Gates, fearful of Harry Reid’s Sith powers, is in fact withdrawing troops.
When they said there would be a surge, I went yay. When they said the surge was peaking, I went super-yay. By thunder, what be this post-peak perfidy toward decrease, toward abatement? Is not a surge a thing forever? ‘Tours of duty,’ the criminals whine. Blame is due.
Dance for my pleasure, thou lazies!
And Gallup finds that four in ten Americans now say the surge is working, up from 22% in July.
Or up five whole percent since mid-September. Mortification has stopped me from proclaiming new, historic Wall Street booms based on Yahoo graphs of a single day’s spike of trading, but the project carries on in spirit. Did you know that the price of gold is falling precipitously, according to market data from 1980 to the present? In the 1920s, a quart of milk cost five cents, proving that we are all, in these Bush years, as Jazz-age millionaires.
Bonus comment:
Polls, along with the MSM spinning and lying by omission, are tools for minority leftist elites to browbeat the majority into thinking that their traditional beliefs have become marginalized.
Agreed, and the other way around too. God, I hate the leftists with their hate. The weak and artificial minority of them is as a human tide unto the few who can see, thronged as we are among their eyeless multitudes with their goddamned rarefied elitism.
I mock their mocking of me.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.
* Correction: Not even the appropriations bill, but the annual ’emergency’ supplemental, for unforeseen expenses such as the surprise, off-budget $196 billion that no one predicted would be needed in 2008 to fund the normally cost-free ventures in Iraq and Afghanistan. [Hanx! md 20/400]
Ah, so one is supposed to Kipple pork before you roast it. I was not aware of that. No doubt it improves the flavour.
Yep, jonesing for surrender. Need that fix.
He truly is the Ace of Specious.
Jeez, Gavin. That syntax. Does it hurt?
I’d like to point out the uncredited use of a line from “Terminator” in his first sentence.
“You still don’t get it, do you? He’ll find her. That’s what he does. That’s all he does! You can’t stop him. He’ll wade through you, reach down her throat, and pull her fucking heart out.”
Weak.
Shalom gentlemen.
According to that graph, 60% think that the surge is having no effect or making the situation worse. Republicans are heading for a landslide!!
The bottom line is, the troop surge is working, America and our allies are now winning in Iraq but all you liberals still do is complain and want to surrender. You don’t except the fact that American causalties are down that we are having success on the battlefield because you liberals want America to lose the war in Iraq, you would rather America lose in Iraq and leave humiliated then for President Bush to have a successful legacy. Just admit it already.
Yeah, that’s still less than a quarter, you dumbfuck.
Polls have a leftwing bias and you know it. The bottom line is, the people in charge of the polls are overrepresenting people in leftist coastal cities such as San Francisco and Los Angelas while ignoring the Heartland.
Well, if people THINK the surge is working, it must actually BE working! Q.E.D.
Damn, these guys really are the dumbest fucks around. Right before the grand glorious surge began, the generals and politicians admitted they’d have to start reducing troop levels by early 2008. Because despite the lengthened tours, soldiers still have to rotate back home every once in a while. And when chickenhawk fucks still sit on their asses five years after the war began and don’t volunteer themselves, they shouldn’t be asking why we’re running out of troops.
Polls have a leftwing bias and you know it. The bottom line is, the people in charge of the polls are overrepresenting people in leftist coastal cities such as San Francisco and Los Angelas while ignoring the Heartland.
Unless polls show support for Dear Leader and His Glorious Forever War- then- then my dear friends it is The Will of the People.
” I would be pleased to call him friend if I felt better about leaving my apartment when people are watching. ”
so , so excellently funny.
War as conducted on Madison Ave.
Jules Crittendon and Ace o’ Playdough – made for each other.
Will the circle jerk be unbroken?
Because, god knows, four out of ten people, removed from the situation by thousands of miles, oughta know.
Polls AND elections apparently have leftwing biases. That’s why the Rethuglicans can’t win without cheating.
P.S. By thunder…
Eh? I’ll be here all week, try the veal!
The bottom line is, the people in charge of the polls are overrepresenting people in leftist coastal cities such as San Francisco and Los Angelas while ignoring the Heartland.
Speak English, bub. It’s St. Francis and The Angels. Why do you hate America?
I’m only the skrillionth person to bring this up, but indulge me.
If Teh Serj has been so uber-successful, why isn’t the next step coming home, because our job is done? Why can it never end?
I know Atrios has dubbed it “Open Thread,” er, I mean, “Leaving Equals Losing,” but it would be nice to know how the people who are still gung-ho about the war ever expect it to be, what’s the word, _over_.
God. What an asshole busy disseminating false information. We knew the draw down could start as early as December. Rotations are done. There are no more brigades. Nothing. This was predicted almost as soon as Democrats funded Bush’s surge. It was supposed to give Bahgdad, the center of gravity, a reprieve to improve services and security to Iraqis. Instead they went on vacation.
Ace can help by visiting his local Marine recruiting office and picking up a rifle.
the MSM spinning and lying by omission
Those who lie down with omission will get up with flaws. Something like that, anyway.
the people in charge of the polls are
(a) A secret cabal of bankers;
(b) The Illuminati;
(c) Reptilian aliens, clouding our minds so they can pass among us.
(d)Profit!
Hmm…. Longer Ace sounds suspiciously like Tacitus.
Um, I have a question.
If they are naked and helpless, can they really still be considered “troops”?
Troop, troops, troopy troops, trooping troops into troop house thingies, marching and trooping troops.
TROOPS!!
mikey
Take care of that cough, Gav.
Why do I have this mental image of thousands upon thousands of healthy young men standing nekkid and blushing in their dog tags and jaunty caps, hands coyly cupped around groinal regions?
Yeah, why isn’t Ace in the Army?
Effin’ wussy.
Troopity troopity troopala la!
Johnny comes trooping home again hurrah, trala
Coming by bus or underground hurrah, trala
A woman’s eye will shed a tear
To see his goolies bright and clear
And it was just around the corner in the ‘Murrkin civil war
Sadly, I can’t continue snarking on such angry, tragic lyrics.
Maybe they could hide a bayonet behind their nutsack?
Tape a baseball grenade to their ‘taint?
Whole new meaning to “hand to hand”…
mikey
Has Ace stopped by here yet to spit and snarl at us? Apparently not. Damn, these posts usually draw him out of his hovel.
Qetesh the Qaveat Qat said,
Why do I have this mental image of thousands upon thousands of healthy young men standing nekkid and blushing…?
I can only speculate, Qetesh, but the answer might involve a lack of cold showers.
The sad thing is that Bush signed the FY 2008 Defense Appropriations bill on November 13th. Bushco now says that without the war supplemental (which is, y’know, supplemental) it’ll have to lay off regular employees. Uh huh.
Nice sleight of hand there assholes.
Dance for my pleasure, thou lazies!
This would make a great t-shirt, especially in the XXXXL Thompson-the-Hutt size. Or we could put Hewitt into one, and see if he’s mastered the old stripper trick where the tassels twirl in opposite directions.
A couple of people have already said it perfectly, but here goes one more time for clarity:
The surge is ending because we’ve run out of soldiers.
Unless our troop-supporting friends on the right want to extend deployments yet again–it’s thirteen months now, right?–the guys and girls in Iraq get to come home, eventually. Now that’s started happening, and regardless of who claims or disavows responsibility, we just don’t have anyone ready to rotate back into the theater.
I wonder what the next strategy will be, now that we’ve run out of bodies to throw at Bush’s failed experiment in imperialism?