Shorter Bert Prelutsky

Which group is worse: fags or broads?

Above: Definitely not a homosexual. Probably not a woman, either.

  • Male movie stars of the Forties and Fifties were all secretly homos, but at least they’re not like the male movie stars of today, who are all openly pussies.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.


Comments: 101


If any thread was begging for some Cary Grant-on-Brad Pitt time travel slash fic, it’s this one.



Do not encourage my unwholesome slash obsession.

That is all.


What makes me giggle the most at Townhall is this:

Be the first to read Burt Prelutsky’s column.

What the fuck kinda mental problem you gotta have to want the first crack at that?


Sounds like another homophobic closet case.


Be the first to read Burt Prelutsky’s column.

I can see it now, Gary Rupert ( the real one, not 20 fake ones) lording it over everyone here;

” OOO I’m the first man to read Prelutsky’s column! I know more then ANYONE now! I’m first! Or as you moonbats put it ‘FRIST!’ Too bad you LIE-brals are such slackers you could have read it first. I’m the god! I’m the god!”


Broads. Wait, no, fags. No, broads. No. No. It’s the fags, isn’t it? I mean, even when I thought it was the immigants, I knew it was the bears.


What the fuck kinda mental problem you gotta have to want the first crack at that?
Only a wimp sicko would want sloppy seconds.


No, they’re serious. Be the first…because nobody else has read it. Even Jillian just skimmed it for snark value. Nobody has ever read an entire Burt Prelutsky column. Even. They’re just trying to make him feel better…


Is it any wonder that so many of them, including Humphrey Bogart, William Holden, Sonny Tufts, Robert Walker, John Barrymore and Bing Crosby, tried to find their refuge and possibly their lost manhood in a bottle of booze?

Right. As group operations officer of the 453rd Bombardment Group, Jimmy Stewart flew as command pilot in the lead B-24 Liberator in at least twenty bombing missions over Nazi-occupied Europe, all because he didn’t want assholes like Burt Prelutsky to think him a fairy.


The fact is that even a demented Burt Prelutsky makes more sense than a healthy Commiecrat, just like Ronald Reagan was the best President of the Twentieth Century, even with his brain thing. Maybe some day scientists will find a cure for liberals and you can bet it won’t use stem cells.


Um, know what?

I’m gonna take your word for it, Jillian.

I think perhaps I’m just a tiny bit to fragile to actually go read this idiotic drivel.

Um, is there such thing as non-idiotic drivel?

You know, when you say “That was drivel. But it was SMART drivel.”

Hmm. Guess not…



Oh, and I guess I’m done with Teh Penguin for now.

Hanh, Hanh, Hanh…



Wow. He just seems like a sad old hack. One of his columns mentions that he filed bankruptcy in 97 and filed a class action lawsuit alleging that he was out of work because of age discrimination.

I would guess that neither of those facts would deter him from prattling on about personal responsibility and frivolous lawsuits . . .


Oops. My previous comment was meant to respond to this bit of idiocy instead:

…it may also help explain why, honest patriotism aside, when World War II rolled around, so many of the major stars — Jimmy Stewart, Robert Montgomery, Tyrone Power, Clark Gable — walked away from huge contracts to enlist in the military.


What about John Wayne? For people who think of Reagan as being just slightly less awesome than Jesus, John Wayne is pretty much John the Baptist, isn’t he? Funny he wouldn’t get mentioned.


Prelutsky = Perky Slut


What about John Wayne?

Grampa Bert just made it through a whole column without getting distracted so let him eat his strained carrots in peace.


Well, I actually clicked over there and read that. Lame lame lame! What was the point? If I had to guess, I’d say Burt thinks Hollyweird celebrities shouldn’t have political opinions (unless they’re Chuck Norris or Ronny Ray-gun presumably).

If Burt thinks Leonardo DiCaprio, Sean Penn etc. should enlist like they did back in WW II then I guess guys like Jason Mattera, Ben Shapiro and all those Young Republicans should to, right Burt?

If Al Gore being such a “hypocrite” for living in a mansion disturbs you so, shouldn’t you be jumping on war promoting draft dodgers George Bush and Dick Cheny?

Just lame! Nothing but an extended “why in my day/why you kids today” whine with some right wing talking points tossed in.

Go to bed old man!


Did Mr. Prelutsky have an onion on his belt as he wrote this?

Arky - Cthulhusexual

Christ, what the hell was that all about?

I thought he was going to start rhapsodizing about the good ol’ days when bread was just a nickel and darkies knew their place and womenfolk was happy to bring a man his supper after he’d worked hard at the non-unionized factory that made real cars that got five miles a gallon because no one cared about the hippy dippy environment.


This guy Prelutsky is hilarious. I might have to read him more often.


I, for one, think it is charming and progressive that they offer column-writing exercises to stimulate the infirm and slow dementia in our nation’s elder-care facilities.

Arky - Cthulhusexual

being told what to do and how to do it by male directors

So either he’s saying that every man who has a male boss is a big ol’ puss, or he only likes it when female actors do what they’re told by male directors.

Am I allowed to speculate on the size of Pretlusky’s girl-on-girl porn collection?


The lowest of the low-hanging fruit.

Leave this man in peace. I make a lot of jokes about Bill O’Reilly’s senility, but if he were really senile, they wouldn’t be funny.

Prelutsky? Dude. Lay off.

He’s somebody great-great-great grandpa. I think we should show more deference to our still-living Spanish-American War veterans because there are so few of them left.

Qetesh the Abyssinian

Mikey, just wondering: can you do the waddle? I’d sure like to see that.


In response to Screamin’ Demon and Doctor Science– Prelutsky screwed up. Note that noted liberal Jimmy Stewart is risking his butt being a flak magnet in Europe while John Wayne and Ronald Reagan are chickenhawking in Hollywood. The Gipper even enlisted, as long as he could be an officer and be guaranteed not to be sent overseas. He like to dress up in jodhpurs and riding boots with his uniform, until the studio brass got tired of his Colonel Blimp act.

Prelutsky should never have brought up the subject.

Compare with the military history of the current White House tenant and be assured that nothing has changed.

Smiling Mortician

Secret Fag? Open Pussy? Christ, it’s so hard to decide.


The fact is, modern day hollywood liberals have betrayed America by cohorting with the likes of Hugo Chavez and creating anti-American filth like that propaganda piece redacted. Sorry hollywood you time in stardome has come to an end, try bringing your leftwing trash to the Heartland see how long it takes for you to be lynched, scum.


Qetesh, with my hips, knees and ankles, the waddle is pretty much the best I can do on a good day….


Arky - Cthulhusexual

Strange that Bertram doesn’t mention Rock Hudson, who did serve as a Navy mechanic during WWII and was a good friend of the Regans.

I guess he forgot.


Please, please, please ignore IT. See what happens.


I’m totally in a Talking Heads place tonight.

Check out mister businessman…



I’m with Hoosier X. Please, people — oo-day ot-nay eed-fay teh oll-tray.



whoa oh oh
it’s a wild wild life
on his way to the stock exchange,
whoa oh oh
it’s a wild wild


Truly, madly, deeply, o S,No-sers! Please do not sacrifice one more juicy bouncing baby thread to teh troll-bag. I beg of you. Starve a troll, feed a beaver.


I’m having a hard time following Bert. I’m a little confused here. It must be my age.

So Bert says that the Hollywood stars of yore were wimps because they let studio execs boss them around and make them wear make-up. Oh, and they regretted earning so much money. In order to make up for it, or feel more manly (whichever), the stars of yore enlisted in the military AND drank too much. Which was bad.

These stars (kids) today, on the other hand don’t feel bad about earning so much money, so they hang around with commies and Al Gore and spit on our troops. But at least they don’t drink so much.

So – is Bert saying money is the root of all evil? And that Leonardo Di Caprio ought to just shut up and get drunk like Humphrey Bogart?

Sounds like Class Warfare AND much much more.


Did someone write Fake Gary and call it Fake Saul?

Arky - Cthulhusexual

I’ve changed my hairstyle,
so many times now
I don’t know what I look like.


You start a conversation you can’t even finish it.
You’re talkin’ a lot, but you’re not sayin’ anything.
When I have nothing to say, my lips are sealed.
Say something once, why say it again?

Psycho Killer,
Qu’est-ce que c’est?
fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far better
Run run run run run run run away

mikey mentioned The Talking Heads in a Bert Prelutsky thread, and this popped into my head. So I’d like to dedicate this one to Bert and Dinesh and Moran and all our other little wingnut friends.


Feed me! Or better yet, give me another beer.


Arky! That’s part of the subtext of a short story I wrote recently. It’s titled “We Dress Like Housewives.” It’s about middle-aged women who’ve had it up to here and decide, since they’re basically invisible, to use their invisibility to take out the more loathesome politicians among us. Kinda magical realism meets postmodern anarchy. For some reason I can’t get it published.


I’m such a slut.

I’ve moved on to Belinda Carlisle….

But hey, the volume is at obscene levels…




And if I can get this hack preamp to come back to life, I’m going with Blondie.

Union city blues….



I also should mention I got a weird voice mail on my cell just now.

From a Mountain View exchange.

Sounded pretty intense. Serious, y’know?

Unfortunately, it was in Tagalog…

I erased it…



to use their invisibility to take out the more loathesome politicians among us.

Or in a suit and a tie…

Sounds awesome MzNicky, is it perhaps somewhere on your blog?

Hang on a second:

In this world we’re just beginnin’
to understand the miracle of livin’

Sorry, had to sing along with Mikey. Where was I? Oh yes, did you ever read Organ Grinders by Bill Fitzhugh [sic?]?


Wild, wild life…

Wailing Souls did a nice reggae version of that song, if you’re into that sort of thing. I like the original, too. In fact, I’m going to track them down and listen to them both back to back, right now!



And Pandora is playing one for “llort eht:”

He seems to be completely unreceptive.
The tests I gave him show no sense at all.
His eyes react to light the dials detect it.
He hears but cannot answer to your call.


Well, I’m listening to some generic opera on the opera channel in the 900s on my cable package.

And reading the Book of Ezekiel.


Arky: No, that story’s not at Tn. Guerilla Wimmin, which is not my blog at all but one for which I write the occasional rant.


I’m so proud of you guys I’m GLOWING!

Of course, if I was Hoosier X, I’d have to kill myself.

But hey, you know, whatever works…



I’m so disappointed mikey’s moved on to other stuff. I’ve got practically the entire Talking Heads oeuvre in my mental lyric storehouse, at the ready to pull out appropriate lines whenever called for.


Tn. Guerilla Wimmin, which is not my blog at all but one for which I write the occasional rant.

Ah hell. I had this image.

You know, in my head?

Tiger stripes, jungle boots, beret at a jaunty angle.

AK slung, setting little hard surprises for the gov’t troops.

In Tennessee!!

Do y’think I over romanticize this whole thing?

Nah. Move along. Nothing to see here..



Scary thing, MzNicky, is I just came across a stash of Pure Prarie League, and that’s kind of working in the moment.

At least until I can get this goddam preamp to fire…



mikey, you crazy romantic you: You must be thinking Patty Hearst, a/k/a “Tanya.” I do possess a beret, but alas, no AKA, which is probably for the best, considerin’ what we guerilla women are up against down here.


Pure Prairie League?

“Amy, what’s you gonna do?
I think I’m in love with you”

That it?


‘at’s the one!

Can’t remember where I was, but I think something important happened with that one on the radio.

Or, if not, it shoulda…



Hey, Harry, I think you forgot to un-forge your screen name.


The world moves on a woman’s hips.
The world moves and it swivel and bops.

The world moves on a woman’s hips
The world moves and it bounces and hops.


And you may ask yourself
What is that beautiful house?
And you may ask yourself
Where does that highway go?
And you may ask yourself
Am I right? …am I wrong?
And you may tell yourself
My god!…what have I done?


Mojique holds a package in his quivering hands
Mojique sends the package to the american man
Softly he glides along the streets and alleys
Up comes the wind that makes them run for cover
He feels the time is surely now or never…more.


What you gonna do when you get out of jail?


And reading the Book of Ezekiel.

O, the wheel in the sky keeps on turnin’
Don’t know where I’ll be tomorrow!

[flees those who hate Journey and bad musical puns]

[pops back in for a sec]

Once in a lifetime!



And if you feel like you’re in a whirlpool
You feel like going home
You feel like talking to someone
Who know the difference between right and wrong

And on the first day, we had everything we could stand
Ooh and then we let it fall
And on the second day, there was nothing else left at all
Ooh what a day that was.

We’re goin’ boom boom boom, and that’s the way we live.
And in a great big room,
And that’s the way we live.


Seldom have I seen a column concern itself with the fate of Sonny Tufts.

So – is Bert saying money is the root of all evil? And that Leonardo Di Caprio ought to just shut up and get drunk like Humphrey Bogart?

I’ve carefully studied the works of Bert Prelutsky and it is my belief that what he’s saying is this:
(a): The male stars of yesteryear were better than the male stars of today because the earlier guys at least had the decency to be drunkards.
(b): Al Gore is a big poopyhead.

He just seems like a sad old hack.

Yes, he does. Does Townhall pay their commentators anything? If so, maybe this is partly a way for Bert to supplement his meager income.

Leave this man in peace.

Nah. I don’t think he’s senile at all, just a sour old jerk. Not much older than me, actually. And probably not much jerkier, either.

And you may ask yourself
What is that beautiful house?

Ahhh. Over the years, I’ve grown to love that profoundly ridiculous song.


What about John Wayne?

Walking like Marylin Monroe = Totally Not Teh Gay.

Drive like…an Egyptian,
De Oh De oh De oh de doh.


I LOVE this thread.

I’m keeping it in my basement.

Huh? No WAY, dood.

I’m not gonna MARRY it…


Smiling Mortician

The hell’s been going on here?

Sorry, I was busy listening to some LPs on the old turntable.

This ain’t no party, this ain’t no disco,
this ain’t no fooling around
No time for dancing, or lovey dovey,
I ain’t got time for that now . . .





Reading the whole Bible, just to read it, just to know what’s in it, just to decide for myself, has been a project I’ve been working on for thirty years. This year, I decided to read the last few hundred pages.

With only the last few chapters of Ezekiel and a bunch of short books from Daniel to Malachi left to go, I can say confidently that this is NOT a book to base your life on, and it is most certainly not a book that should be imposed on (the real) God’s creatures. Much of it does not even work as literature. Repetitious, whiny, annoying, authoritarian, sexist, silly, pathetic. The Bible is all this and more.

I am not impressed.

Smiling Mortician

Yeah, but Song of Solomon’s got some pretty poetry in it.

And heaven . . . heaven is a place . . . a place where nothing . . . nothing ever happens.


Nah. I don’t think he’s senile at all, just a sour old jerk. Not much older than me, actually. And probably not much jerkier, either.

Jeez snorhagen, don’t dis yourself like that. You sound way smarter than the subject of this thread.


Jeez snorhagen, don’t dis yourself like that.

Really. The Prelutsky columns are often just random “I don’t get this” complaints wandering hither and yon like Andy Rooney accidentally shuffling out of the sanitarium and into heavy traffic.


I wouldn’t live there if you paid me.
I wouldn’t live like that; no, siree.
I wouldn’t do the things the way those people do.
I wouldn’t live there if you paid me to


I’ll concede that the Song of Solomon does count as great literature.

I also like the Sermon on the Mount and other parts of the Gospels. Revelations is great.

And that whole historical arc from Samuel to Saul to David to Solomon? That is awesome. The greatest soap opera ever.

Little bits here and there.

I read Jeremiah in October and I’m almost done with Ezekiel and I am REALLY BORED with the prophetical books. Jonah is good for a laugh. Daniel is thankfully short. But most of the prophet section is dreadful.


I gotta say, Pest Control’s still my favorite Bill Fitzhugh.

Wait, we’ve moved on? Dammit. I was busy, okay?


dang, y’all.

I had dinner at a kewl Santa Monica izakaya house, drank a buncha sake and ate some funky seafood stuff; had a buncha Japanese waiters sing “Happy birthday” to me, and then came home and ended up on the couch watching the second half of “The Fabulous Baker Boys” and getting all nostalgic for Seattle in the late ’80’s [damn. the whole “Seattle crew” list in the credits are my old buds!], and…phew………I’m fucking exhausted!

So I’m going to sleep. The squirrels will be running at 4:30 a.m, and then I gotta feel the geriatric Rottweiler, get dressed and go to work.

It’s a hard fucking life, huh?


Strange isn’t it Hoosier X? Had much fun with Revelations yet? The prophets stuff reads like a bunch of campfire stories with each new author having to make his story more outrageous than the next. And they are all his, no hers in the mix; at least in the King James-non-Dead Sea Scrolls or Gnostics version.

Any being from another planet who first got a copy of this thing, read it, and then realized that the followers of this belief system have had the most political control over the planet for tens of centuries would hop back in the saucer and head for somewhere, anywhere else.

And pray there’s intelligent life on other worlds,
because there’s bugger-all down here on earth. (I’ll see your Heads and raise you an Idle).


Geez, all these not troll comments, and no one suggests the answer is faggy broads?
Must be all the faggy broads.


(dang it. I posted this on the last thread, and all the kewl kidz are posting lyrics here.)

happy birthday g:

Squirrels in the basement, please don’t squeak!
The door is locked so they can’t get g.
Can she trap on the rooftop above the gables?
Or just watch through the window as they are freaking?

Squirrels in the basement, g was on vacation
Got back Saturday and found her downstairs shakin’.
The UPS box broke open and they all got loose,
Could be much worse, what if they’d been kangaroos?

Squirrels in the basement!
She’s got squirrels in her basement!
She’s got squirrels in her basement!
She’s got squirrels in her basement!

Squirrels in the basement; it makes no sense
Why mikey thought they’d make nice presents.
Sure it seemed a good idea at the time,
But that’s what happens mixing meth with cheap wine!

Squirrels in the basement!

(oh yes, before I forget… ahem…
Can’t stop the spirits when they need you.
This life is more than just a read-through.)


I am Hoosier X!

I scoff at the prophets!

(Scoff, scoff.)

I emerged unscathed from the black belly of the ghost mustang! The angels and the devils did their best but they could not break my spirit, even when they put thirty stitches in my gums!

Crooked landlords, wingnut columnists, roaming roustabouts, insane nurses, I have survived them all and lived to tell the tale. I laugh at the Judeo-Christian God and he laughs with me, even if his followers don’t. And I laugh with Buddha and his followers understand, each in his own way.

I got my magic from a black cat and I do not fear the devil because I WAS the devil for a brief moment.

I am the Heartland and I do not like it when stupid people speak for me.


Pfft. If you want to do slash relevant to the kids today, it’s all about the Shepherd on Joker action.


You can say these streets are rivers, you can call these rivers streets, you can tell yourself you’re dreaming, but buddy, no sleep runs that deep, no, no sleep runs that deep…..

First thing that came to mind, since that damned “The Way That I Am” song is stuck stuck stuck in my head.

Arky–I call my hair Marie Antoinette on Crack. Actually, it’s kind of more purple now. I’m really just happy that you get real Lovecraft references. The Azagthoths don’t at all, oddly enough, dammit.


Now, tell me yet again

Who in hell is Burt Prelutsky and why should I care about what he writes?


One more snippet for the Heads thread:

Did I forget to mention
Forget to mention Memphis?
Home of Elvis and the ancient Greeks.
Do I smell? I smell home cooking!
It’s only the river. It’s only the river.



Burt Prelutsky is a well-rounded writer. Cf. his bio at the bottom of his column.

Nuff said.

Phil Moskowitz, Lovable Rogue

One more snippet for the Heads thread:

I can’t believe it
And people are strange
Our president’s crazy
Did you hear what he said
Business and pleasure
Lie right to your face
Divide it in sections
And then give it away

There are no big secrets
Don’t believe what you read
We have great big bodies
We got great big heads
Run-a-run-a-run it all together
Check it out – still don’t make no sense
Makin’ flippy floppy
Tryin to do my best
Lock the door
We kill the beast
Kill it!

PS-Are all rich alcoholics fags? or just feeling guilty for drinking from the fag cup all the livelong day?


What you gonna do when you get out of jail?

I’m gonna have some fun with a bop-gun!

Phil Moskowitz, Lovable Rogue

What you gonna do when you get out of jail?

I’m gonna have some fun, natural fun.


Not the Heads, but David Byrne. I’m pretty sure it’s an anti-Iraq war song.

Raise up – shake them lazy bones
Read the T-shirt but still don’t understand
Comin’ home with a little apocalypse
It comes, now do you have time for this?

A 3-tone carpet and a Jackie Chan spear
Lookin’ at a hairdo and a belly full of beer
Well I ain’t no poet, ain’t got no rhyme
Well I got me a car and I don’t know how to drive

In the event of a pressure loss
All our lines are busy now
I will be laughing out loud anyhow

Ev’ryday, a little apocalypse
Lay down, lay down next to this
Lookin’ at the body well I don’t even know his name
Call me in this morning was a friend of mine

Well the wind so strong, it’s blown us all around
Wind so strong, nobody settle down
Ev’ryday another apocalypse
Had a TV but I don’t know how deep it is

Please read the print advisory
Would you like to go ahead?
Dancin’ wherever she goes – Tippytoes


Little sister gotta take her medicine
Baby brother, gonna do it all again
Runnin’ fast but cannot catch the bus
Funny feelin’, this is part of us

And you must take your medicine
Getting better everyday
Good for a limited time – Feelin’ fine

We will return your things to you
When it’s time for you to leave
So quiet nobody knows – Tippytoes


An homage to our bed-wetting wingnut friends:

“Air…can hurt you too”

And mikey, the penguin’s laugh was more of a “wanh-wanh-wanh” …kinda like Jon Stewart’s Dick Cheney.

What? I just saw this thread this morning.


I just flipped off President George,
I’m going to Disneyland…

Tender Mercenaries

I think this whole article was just an extension of a Thanksgiving dinner diatribe at Chez Prelutsky. He just didn’t get to finish his rant — everyone had walked out of the room to go watch football — so he was feeling unsatisfied.


I think mikey may have had his Penguin polluted with a bit of Krankor….


Is there no end to the destruction wrought by Global Warming?

Now my penguin’s polluted?




Secret Fag? Open Pussy? Christ, it’s so hard to decide.

Um, speaking as strictly hetero, I’ll take Open Pussy for $1000.

Qetesh the Abyssinian

a different brad said,
November 28, 2007 at 10:12
Geez, all these not troll comments, and no one suggests the answer is faggy broads?
Must be all the faggy broads.

Baggy frauds?


g, this is for you in light of your squirrel infestation.


Wow, mikey’s in a good mood. That can’t be a bad thing.

One more thing; whenever “llort eht” rears up, I flash on that scen in Magnolia when Julianne Moore is talking to her lawyer about getting the will changed.


(comments are closed)