Mustache Huffing Is Harmful To Your Health

I know I’ve developed a bit of an obsession with Michael Medved lately. I’ve been hard pressed to figure out what’s behind it – is it the smug glibness with which he mangles history? His baffling simplemindedness when it comes to understanding the role of the U.S. in world affairs? Why am I compelled to keep reading his drivel?

It was only when looking at one of the more recent examples of his total insanity that it finally dawned on me: it’s the mustache.

Look at it! Look at that amazing, manly lip caterpillar! It sucks you in to its dense thicket with endless questions…does it have a life of its own? Does it crawl off his face at night, looking for souls to devour? Is the final, awful truth about the source of Michael Medved’s stupid hidden in there somewhere, waiting for the individual brave enough to venture in and find it? Can you tell what he had for dinner last night by huffing it? I have found myself staring into the mustache, seeking answers to these and other questions, but was alarmed to find myself muttering disjointed and irresponsible things about “The black pit,” “the carven rim,” “the protoShoggoths,” “the windowless solids with five dimensions,” “the nameless cylinder,” “the elder Pharos,” “Yog-Sothoth,” “the primal white jelly,” “the color out of space,” “the wings,” “the eyes in darkness,” “the moon-ladder,” “the original, the eternal, the undying,” and other bizarre conceptions after doing so for too long. I fear it may be too late for me.

Wait. Where was I? Oh, right. Medved’s contention that nothing can stop the Mike Huckabee surge. Quoth Medved:

Are voters ready to get behind a Presidential candidate whose undergraduate degree is from Ouachita Baptist University? Republican insiders face that question because of the powerful surge in Iowa for former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee.

That “powerful surge” has taken Mike Huckabee all the way to twelve percent in the latest Iowa poll – one point ahead of Guiliani and three points ahead of that impressive candidate “Not Sure”. This also puts him ever so slightly behind Mitt Romney, who is at 29%.

Well, if Mike Huckabee is both beating Not Sure in the Iowa polls and garnering the support of the Mustache, we are all powerless to resist. Huckabee/Keyes ’08! Just think what it will do for our relations with Canada!


Comments: 55


There is a secret government agency dedicated to making sure Michael Medved does not kiss Mark Noonan’s forehead.


Look, Huckabee is unstoppable… he’s got the endorsement of both Melved and Chuck Norris.


Man, what time is it where you guys are? I know I’m a bit of a freak for being up at five on a Sunday…hopefully y’all are somewhere that makes this a little less early.


It’s 7:00 AM here in freezing cold Niagara Falls. I wish I was in bed but meh, it’s been a busy term with early classes so I have been conditioned to get up early.


0432 in sunny SoCal. I’ve no job, & live the schedule of a vampire. More reasons Huck is a sure fire winner once he gets some momentum may be found here. Sounds like a low-rent Giuliani w/o the Mob ties a real president needs.


Actually, not to quibble, & since it’s just us chickens, I thought I saw/heard over the great glass eye on Saturday that Huckleberry was now in a sttistical tie w/ Romney in Ioway. I could look it up, but I’m more likely to go to sleep.


I’ll see your Medved and raise you a Stossel.

Because of sharing, the first Thanksgiving in 1623 almost didn’t happen.

Bathe in the pendulous, mustache-laden asshattery.


Latest Iowa polls here. Huck is pretty close to Mittens in a couple of them; the most recent ABC/Post & ARG. Look for that Hucklebee Love Train any day now.


Geez, the spread on those numbers is incredible – they’ve got the Huckster anywhere from 1% to 28%. Somebody is using some odd methodology.


I, for one, can hardly wait to find out which pandering, duplicitous loser “wins” the GOP caucus in Iowa.

Bill in Canada, luckily

Good work picking up on the Rick Mercer clip. For the past six months or so, since his name showed up on the radar, I have remembered that very encounter every time I heard Huckabee’s name.

The clip is from “Talking to Americans”, a few one-hour specials that Mercer did essentially the same schtick–setting Americans up with ridiculous comments about Canada, e.g. “Congratulations Canada, for…legalizing staplers!…letting Irish-Canadians vote!…stopping the Saskatchewan seal hunt!”

As for our National Igloo, I saw a funny sight a few years after that bit aired.
We have these magnificent neo-gothic Parliament Buildings in my hometown of Ottawa, and at the back of the Centre Block (think Capitol Building) is the round Library of Parliament, an extremely historically important structure since it was the only part of the original Parliament Buildings to survive the fire of 1916. There was major restoration work done on the Library about five years ago, and in order to work in winter weather they actually wrapped the entire huge round building in white plastic. From the bridge over the Ottawa River, it looked EXACTLY like Our National Igloo for a year or so. Too bad they didn’t preserve the igloo, just fixed up the library then threw the plastic away…

BTW “Talking To Americans” was nominated for a Gemini (Canadian TV awards) in 2002, but Mercer declined the nomination, cause he didn’t want to be recognized for making fun of the US at that time. That’s the kind of goodwill Bush/Cheney threw away in short order…

Arky - Cthulhusexual

Off His Medsved may be sporting a brain leech on his upper lip but I think the cons have decided that since they were wrong about everything else and only the dumbest quarter of the population believes their crapola, they can say whatever the hell they please and it won’t make a bit of difference. Huckabee for President? Sure, sounds good. The World is Flat? Why not, the rubes will buy it.

Geez, the spread on those numbers is incredible – they’ve got the Huckster anywhere from 1% to 28%. Somebody is using some odd methodology.

Karl Rove’s The Math strikes again.


I’ve watched a bunch of bits from “Talking to Americans” on Youtube, and they all crack me up – PM Tim Horton getting a double double? Teehee!

Deep in my heart, I think I’m already a Canadian.


Good Morning, Sadly No! Today’s homework, three names:

Mike Huckabee, Carol Shields, Wayne Dumond.

Google these three names and decide for yourself if Mike Huckabee has the character qualifications to be dogcatcher, er, President.


“Rugged”, “self-assured”, “adult” – these are the words that describe the man who wears a mustache. Yes, it says to the world, “I’m a man of action!” Ah, but action tempered with maturity. L-like a FIREMAN! Or somebody’s DAD! for a reminder of the seductive appeal of an evil mustache.


Don’t even bother Googling, check this a.m.’s WaPo, & this from Salon.


Well, I’m up now ’cause so far this evening —

– I went to a magazine release party filled with young silly gays (and their friends) twenty years younger than I;

– afterwards on my way to a bar I stopped to talk to a friend I run into every five years or so, and ended up tutoring him in algebra (quadratic factoring) at a mexican restaurant, while convincing him I wasn’t an alcoholic (because I could change my mind without a sponsor);

– talked with the doorman at the bar about the results of various psychological experiments (eg, Zimbardo, Cialdini) and how Dawkins’ militant atheism, like New Age belief, is just another form of mock-Christianity (albeit ineffectually in reverse, like La Vey’s Satanism);

– played some trivia at the bar till last call while trying to avoid dealing with my ex’s attempts to lure me to his home (for he is sadistic at heart);

– while walking home ran randomly into a fellow who invited me up to his friend’s place, where we bonded over shared knowledge of the recent Doctor Who episodes (while his friend played pirated Xbox games);

– after a pleasant hour filled with more jello shots than I could eat, left the friend’s place (so the fellow could connect for some drugs, probably smoke);

– and while parting with this fellow well met, told him (in response to his talking about getting me laid) I wasn’t sexually interested in women, which led him to declare I was bisexual and (surprise!) admit he was too;

– walked home, arriving at 5:30am.

All I can say is, it’s been quite a night. Is this normal?


Mitt and Huck threw down over this at some point while I was sick on Thanksgiving or one of the surrounding days. At any rate, I’m still looking for the video clip from CNN but one of them announced how dedicated they were to stopping “the spread of gay marriage”.

I’m thinking that until Iowa votes, HuckMitt will continue to gay wackier and wackier things to appeal to fundies until all Rudy has to do is say, “See? Told you I was the most sane in the bunch”. Just my hunch. Either that or they’ll get weird enough that people really will vote for a Carl Hiaasen character. Either way, I look forward to more comments by Huckmitt on spreading.


Medved, Stossel and Thomas Friedman share the same moustache. I don’t mean they have moustaches that look alike; they physically trade the moustache around like a whore at a bikers’ ball. Forensic analysis of fragments of the common ‘stache suggest its origins may be Stalin’s tomb, but it would be unprofessional to speculate further. Like the Wingnut Face Mullet, the Wingnut Soup Strainer serves to alert other wingnuts to the presence of “intelligence” in the wearer. Similar wingnut signals: the bowtie (Wingnut Neck Flower) and rimless glasses (Wingnut Focus Group). Anyone with all three is thought to posses the power to persuade wingnuts that up is down, right is left, and Donald Rumsfeld is sane.

Arky - Cthulhusexual

“Rugged”, “self-assured”, “adult” – these are the words that describe the man who wears a mustache.

Yup. A rugged, self-assured, adult member of the Village People.


Ah, Lovecraft on a Sunday morning – thank you.


At least you didn’t post a picture of him this time. Yechh!

It’s no surprise Micheal “Jews 4 Genocides 4 Jeezus” Medved would go for the wacked fundie candidate. And obviously Mitt is out what with the whole “Mormon” thing. Only the properly approved form of insanity will do.


I don’t usually do the pictures – I have a weird phobia about the photographic medium, actually.

Clif or Gavin or somebody will probably come by later on and attach a suitably horrific image to the post – something properly evoking a good Lovecraftian adjective, like “eldritch” or “cthonic”.


Look, Huckabee is unstoppable… he’s got the endorsement of both Melved [sic] and Chuck Norris.

On the other hand, he has also just been endorsed by Tim LaHaye of Left Behind fame. This could have some significance to the Rapture-Ready(TM).

Ya know, never mind the Wayne Dumond stuff, which would probably somehow help Huck with the Religious Right (especially if he continues to bear false witness about what happened); someone needs to point out to the troglodytes that Huckabee believes at least somewhat in anthropogenic climate change.

Okay, okay, that would just provoke blank stares. “Global warming,” then.


Is this normal?

Were there good tacos? Or oki dogs? Cause if there were the answer is yes.

Gary Foehammer !!!

The fact is, this endorsement is the first trickle in a cascade of declarations for Huckabee, a veritable downpour of celebrity testimonials. If Chuck Norris, Tim LaHaye, and Michael Medved are already encamped, who can deny the legion of Orson Scott Card, Debbie Schussel, and Kirk Cameron? The Anvil Of Coolness beckons Iowaiins. (My Mom went to Iowaii, and all I got was this lousy prayer vestment.)


this is my favorite picture of him of all time. Why is he painted blue? Is he a patriotic smruf?


“this is my favorite picture of him of all time. Why is he painted blue? Is he a patriotic smruf?”

Oh God! I don’t ever want to see a closeup of him again! Those eyes…is he drugged? Mind controlled? A zombie? An alien ineptly impersonating a human?

“Lovecraftian” is definitely the right metaphor. He seems normal, and yet some thing’s not right. Bizarre unnatural horrors just beyond human perception. Dark and cold as the vastness of space…

Yep. That’s Medved all right.


When I think Michael Medved, I think more “EZcraft” than “Lovecraft.”. He just ain’t got it in ’em!


The fact is, patriotism and support for USA like that displaed by these patriots discomfirts the liberal and discombowelbulates them into parodyoxyms of Bush Hate and related BDS diseases. Why do you akways support the enermy abd cheer against freedom?


Wow, Gary is drunker than usual earlier than usual. Fun.

And Ed,

No. But if it works for you and doesn’t hurt others, why care what is “normal”? Get a sponsor; that’ll help.


Awright, dammit.

My big, bristly seventies Tom Selleck mustache is muttering to me right now about how he’s kinda pissed and who is this “Jillian” person anyway?

I’m trying to convince my mustache that she really means no harm by it, and besides, MY mustache isn’t causing me to think such incredibly mindless drivel, unlike the Medved/Stossel/Friedman ‘stache.

I believe he is placated for now…



Of course the fact that Huckabee has 15.00 on hand cash and an infrastructure that includes a half dozen banjo players from Whitewater wont impede him either. He’ll just perform a miracle, and divide them like the loaves and fishes.
Also, his(Medved) blather at townhall is soooo much better than his movie reviews, that I think he is moving in the right direction. His next incarnation as a game show host will be masterful.


I propose that we adopt the name “Brown Jenkin” for Medved’s mustache.


Ah, Lovecraft on a Sunday morning – thank you.

At the Moustaches of Madness is one of my favorites.


Also: you know what that moustache needs? More alligator.


Skeptics say Huckabee’s hurt by his background as the first male in family history ever to graduate from high school, and by the “hillbilly” sound of his name.

Hey, Mr. Medved,

You got a link for skeptics saying this? Cuz this is the first time I’ve ever heard anyone mention either of these issues for Huckabee. Everyone I know who criticizes him has solid arguments (but then I hang out with liberals). So this sounds suspiciously like a straw man argument. I know that your base doesn’t really care about intellectual honesty on the part of its commentators, but you don’t even seem to be trying very hard to reach anyone who isn’t a complete dumbass.

Just sayin’. I hope I didn’t hurt your feelings. I’ll try to be more politically correct next time. I know how you people are about political correctness when it suits you.


Boy, I don’t know. I was talking to some lefty friends about six months back (I didn’t write about it, so this is my half-assed way of having called this) and Huckabee was really the guy we were wondering about, and maybe a little bit worrying about. This was when evangelicals were still looking for an acceptable candidate because their savior Fred Thompson hadn’t yet jumped in, but still.
Um, the Fred Thompson line was intended to be funnier. My bad.


Well, I think he’s starting to get that Innsmouth look personally.


I will not eat that moustache.

Clark Ashton Smith

At length I made an effort to avert my gaze; and turning at random, I saw the remnants of the shackled mummy, and noted for the first time, with mechanical, unreal horror, the half-eaten condition of the withered head. From this, my gaze was diverted to the newly opened door at one side, without perceiving for a moment what had drawn my attention. Then, startled, I beheld beneath my torch, far down beyond the door, as if in some nether pit, a seething, multitudinous, worm-like movement of crawling shadows. They seemed to boil up in the darkness; and then, over the broad threshold of the vault, there poured the verminous vanguard of a countless army: things that were kindred to the monstrous diabolic leech I had torn from Octave’s eaten head. Some were thin and flat, like writhing, doubling disks of cloth or leather, and others were more or less poddy, and crawled with gutted slowness. What they had found to feed on in the sealed, eternal midnight I do not know; and I pray that I never shall know.


I’ll see your Medved and raise you a Stossel.

I just realized that all along I’ve thought these two guys were the same people. As far as useless epiphanies go, this one’s near the top…


I would have that Cal Thomas would be giving up much of his power by losing the ‘stache, but I read his latest column and, no, he’s just as stupid and dishonest as ever.


I propose that we adopt the name “Brown Jenkin” for Medved’s mustache.
Mine is called Pyewacket, on account of its fondness for pyes.

Arky - Cthulhusexual

this is my favorite picture of him of all time. Why is he painted blue? Is he a patriotic smruf?

Mr. Wonka told him that gum was still in the experimental stages but would Mikey Med listen? Nooooo.

Ompa, loompa, doopity, do…

Seriously, WTF? Auto-erotic asphyxiation gone too far? Woad? Blueberry Pie eating contest? I don’t like the looks of it.


Pyewacket! I thought that mustache looked familiar!


Hoosier X: some Bushite (might’ve been WH CoS Bolten) said, at some “Oh, I didn’t think anyone was recording this” Republican event, that the name was a disadvantage, ‘though I don’t think he went so far as to say it actually was a “hillbilly” name.


Michael Medved’s mustache is gay.


Not Sure for President!


Calls itself “hillbilly for huckabee.” Could be a parody, i guess.


Bolton for president!


Medved, Stossel and Thomas Friedman share the same moustache.

Three weird sisters?


Huckabee/Keyes ‘08!

We should be so lucky.

Same 'ol, Same 'ol

At least Huckabee’s good for something – repulican on republican fighting:


Oh, Snap!


(comments are closed)