Happy Swanksgiving!
Each year there comes a time to give thanks for the blessings we have received, and also to roast a big turkey. We’ll think about the ‘blessings’ part later, I guess, because here comes a column from our pal, Pastor Swank:
PILGRIMS, THANKSGIVING AND GOD
J. Grant Swank, Jr.The Pilgrims had a spiritual impetus to what they did, where they went, and what they thought. It was not a political agenda that governed their futures. It was belief in God and His guidance that would propel them and their future generations into what God had planned for the new country.
Or, as Garrison Keillor famously noted of his Puritan ancestors, they wished to practice greater religious intolerance than was currently allowed under English law — much like Swank today. And they couldn’t hack it in the Netherlands, and wanted to go to Guiana instead, but God guided them to Provincetown. Except it was apparently too gay for them even in the 17th Century, so they ended up in Plymouth. God then killed half of them.
However, previous white visitors to the area had given them a great material advantage by spreading smallpox, which wiped out 90% of the native population in the Massachusetts Bay area in the years immediately before they arrived.
And basically, hang a few Quakers, fast forward to today, and here we are! It’s indeed wondrous what faith can accomplish.
With the Pilgrims, there was a conviction that they were to separate themselves unto the holiness of God. They took seriously the admonition of the apostle Paul in II Corinthians: “Come out from among them and be ye separate, saith the Lord.”
It’s a little surprising that Swank would be encouraging anyone to ‘come out,’ but let’s keep our momentum up here.
…No wait, hang on. Aside from having it in for many common denominations of Christianity, doesn’t he believe that Mormons are literally communing with Satan? So much for the separatist message of II Corinthians, unless you wear a charming hat with a buckle on it and chase turkeys with a blunderbuss.
William Bradford set forth the mindset of the Pilgrims when he said they had “great hope, for the propagating and advancing the gospell of the kingdom of Christ in those remote parts of the world.”
Second Cannibal: “Meshugeh! So try the brisket!”
Since his churches seem to keep getting infested with demons, maybe we should start a fund to send Pastor Swank to a remote part of the world to propagate and advance the gospel.
In other words, the Pilgrims were on a divine mission. It was not egocentric. It was God ordained. They were to answer to God in their daily lives. They were going to answer to God for what they did with their new land. In that new geography they would have the chance to give forth the gospel — the good news of salvation through Jesus Christ.
It seems we’ve heard this sort of thing before, but it certainly sounds like a winning plan. Amidst his other obligations in remote parts of the world, maybe we can find some time to send Swank to Iraq to rewrite the Koran.
There are those in present-day textbook writing who would never include that fact in the pages read by today’s pupils.
There honestly isn’t much space with all the anal sex step-by-steps and instructions on how to black-magically summon the howling shades of Lenin and Darwin. Today’s kids demand practical learning.
However, it is history. Therefore, there are those intent on putting back into the public schools’ texts that spiritual truth about America’s start. That will include such statements as William Bradford.
Or statements such as William Bradford’s (possessive case), which actually goes like this: “A great hope and inward zeal they had of laying some good foundation, or at least to make some way thereunto, for the propagating and advancing the gospel of the kingdom of Christ in those remote parts of the world; yea, though they should be but even as stepping-stones unto others for the performing of so great a work.” It comes just after the part where he explains that the Pilgrims decided to leave the Netherlands because some of their kids had turned into drunks, and others (not much better) had become soldiers and sailors.
See? We’re helping.
[…]
So when a passenger aboard ship was saved from drowning, those watching on regarded it as the Lord’s deliverance. When Puritans came upon corn to eat, it was providential.
Hey, who left all this corn lying around in this bark house with these human skeletons in it?
[…]
Today’s America is in need of a spiritual reawakening. It may come upon just that as the righteous remnant remains faithful in prayer and thanksgiving.
Considering how relatively lucid and non-ravening this Thanksgiving column was in comparison to Swank’s yearly (and sometimes hourly) ouvre, we can only imagine that this ‘reawakening’ came in the form of a turkey stuffed with Vicodin. More like this, please!
righteous remnant remains faithful
You dumb bastard. Reverent.
I tried to flee the country for Canada today, but got stopped at the border. On the way back I got sucked into a Christian talk radio station. They were bemoaning the fact that God has been purged from the history textbooks and nowadays you never even hear about the “miracle of the already plowed fields” that the Pilgrims found upon their arrival in Plymouth.
I thought about turning around and making a run for it on foot, but decided against it.
Congrats, Gavin.
righteous remnant remains reverent in recitation and recognition
Oh, this is nothing. The 700 Club used to try to promote this lame video of how the Pilgrims came here and found a land peopled by ignorant heathens. I got the folks at Haskell U. on that one so fast…wonder what became of that. I cause these messes and never check back.
Bubba, we couldn’t stay reverent. Not at all. I’m bad with links, so I just posted it at the one that comes up as my name. We do want a name for the canned cranberry log that ended up impaled by a rather inaccurate flag from one of the schools though.
Crap, we were thankful, really. I don’t know how we ended up so irreverent and putting song requests for our funerals in writing. I guess we are just that rotten.
Well the program did go on to explain how God spared Squanto so that he could learn English, the language of the Bible and be saved. Then he renounced his savage ways and told the Pilgrims not to worry about his dead tribe because they had been filthy murderers anyway.
So it was all super!
Man, I had so much wine with dinner. Oddly enough, it’s like the tryptophan in the turkey and the alcohol (or maybe the resveratrol?) cancelled each other out, because I didn’t get tired at all! Anyways, can anyone tell me how an amino acid could make you sleepy?
Also, I used to like a certain wine. Here’s a link to their website. I can’t find it in the U.S. anymore, which is sad because I really liked it. Sad fase.
Anyways, can anyone tell me how an amino acid could make you sleepy?
It all depends on what race you are.
Gavin!
You’re alive!
Happy T’Giving, m’man.
Fuck ’em, man. Don’t mean nothing.
Please tell me yor turkey did NOT include cheetoh stuffing!
mikey
LOL you moonbats cant even have enjoy Thanks Giving without a side-helping of jellied white-guilt. Tahnk God the original Indians were Thankfull of what God had sent them in form of English Prostantant!
(Only joshing…I’m thankful for, amongst other things, SN! and Gavin!)
Damnit! Someone tell The Editors to pay the intertube bill.
Yep, when the Puritans got some food, it was “providential”. When Roanoke went bye-bye, what was that, exactly?
hey, happy thanksgiving all you sadly noers!
“In other words, the Pilgrims were on a divine mission. It was not egocentric. It was God ordained.”
So was Heaven’s Gate, what’s your point, Swanks?
“When Puritans came upon corn to eat, it was providential.”
Good GOD.
http://www.mwscomp.com/movies/brian/brian-18.htm
There’s little doubt in my mind that Swank is actively trying to get mocked. No one could leave themselves THAT wide open for it and not be secretly begging for it.
Swank looks a little like Dick Cheney and is that little guy with him Gary Ruppert?
Although I wish Americans were roasting the turkey in the Whitehouse, SadlyNo does a pretty good virtual job of roasting wingnuts over an open fire….oops looks like I stumbled right into the happy holidays with that one.
Happy feasting and drinking and eating of pie.
Oh yeah, in the too frickin’ cute for words dept., check out this video of Brutus, a rescued young grizzly having Thanksgiving dinner. Here’s the article.
They were to answer to God in their daily lives. They were going to answer to God for what they did with their new land.
sounds ego-centric to me.
I believe you meant Thorazine. I dunno anyone who is made more lucid by Vicodin. t makes me hallucinate rats, in fact. And a woman I know hallucinates parakeets on IV Vicodin. God alone knows what it would do to Swank.
I’m not guilty. I’m judgmental. Mockery is the gravy on my turkey.
“That will include such statements as William Bradford.”
Remember that Pastor Swank teaches English. Poor kids.
Considering how relatively lucid and non-ravening this Thanksgiving column was in comparison to Swank’s yearly (and sometimes hourly) ouvre, we can only imagine that this ‘reawakening’ came in the form of a turkey stuffed with Vicodin.
Without the swankese he’s just another wingnut.
I once had to have oral surgery and they gave me valium by IV but it didn’t put me all the way under. Man that was something. I remember hovering over the chair and hearing these sounds. I was thinking, “Sounds like they are operating on someone. I wonder who?”
And you didn’t even get to the Pequot War of the 1670s. When the Indians did not have the decency to die off fast enough (by God’s provident hand and small pox), they decided to hasten the process by instituting what can only be described as a genocidal war with little provocation other than rapacious greed.
In that new geography they would have the chance to give forth the gospel
I hate it when people get so evangelical about some trendy politically-correct map projection.
Anyways, can anyone tell me how an amino acid could make you sleepy?
Through the wonders of human metabolism, tryptophan -> -> serotonin.
Certain foods are nature’s own tricyclic.
I’m not egocentric. I’m on a mission from god.
“I don’t know how we ended up so irreverent and putting song requests for our funerals in writing.”
Right – I need to get on that one before it’s too late. I know that I want Frank Zappa’s “Peaches en Regalia” for the recessional (I’ve always imagined them playing that song whenever anyone new comes in to heaven).
But for the rest? I dunno…
Snarkle, well, the important point ended up including “Freebird”, but only if played on a boom-box type device and held up by a certain appointed person over their heads. Considering the length of the song, holding up said boom-box actually does amount to some measure of dedication to the deceased, I suppose. But yes, Zappa should be included by all means. I was planning on making everyone uncomfortable by forcing them to for once listen to my favorite tracks of my favorite band, The Boredoms. I love them so much, but boy, playing them really pisses people off.
Happy Thanksgiving, Sadly No!sians!
I just had pumpkin pie for breakfast. Hmmmmmmmm!
P.S. Mikey, was this the cranberry sauce you mentioned a few days ago? My sister made it, and it was the best I’ve ever tasted.
Are you sure that shouldn’t be revenant? Swank etc are unholy, mindless, blood-sucking bastards that will. Not. Go. Away.
Arky – On a mission from Glod.
They’s the righteous remnant remains of last night’s turkee.
First Cannibal: “I just don’t like that new pastor.”
Second Cannibal: “Meshugeh! So try the brisket!”
From the film “How Tasty Was My Little Wingnut”
I just can’t believe how perfectly god has provided for me. I drove out to Lake Minnetonka this morning and my journey led me to this beautiful house on the bay. I entered the house and found that everything I could possibly need was there for me. Oh how wonderful the works of god. After some small discussion with the occupants of my new home’s and the elimination of the heathen and sin filled among their clan, I settled in for this new life which god in his infinite bounty had provided for me. Tomorrow I’m taking my new Escalade out scouting in preparation for the arrival of my brethren. Praise god.
My funeral song: When I Get To The Border by Richard Thompson.
Remember that Pastor Swank teaches English.
OMFSM, noen I hope that you are joking.
Happy day after Thanksgiving, Gavin. I hope you didn’t perform any Steve-inspired program related activities on your turkey dinner.
“In other words, the Pilgrims were on a divine mission. It was not egocentric. It was God ordained…..”
On a divine mission from the creator of the universe, yep nothing egocentric about that.
So lets get this straight.
Christians believe they are created in the image of greatest being in the universe.
The universe was created for us.
God is obsessed with how we live our lives.
They know exactly how he (or she or it or whatever) wants us to live.
They rest of humanity are morally inferior and are in need of ,lets say improvement.
Christians are humble.
Atheists are arrogant.
Well, if people are on a divine, ordained by God mission that makes everything okay.
I really do wonder if these ass clowns know they’re becoming apologists for every crazy bastard who has ever mistaken a holy text for a copy of Mass Murder for Dummies.
“On a divine mission from the creator of the universe, yep nothing egocentric about that.
So lets get this straight.
Christians believe they are created in the image of greatest being in the universe.
The universe was created for us.
God is obsessed with how we live our lives.
They know exactly how he (or she or it or whatever) wants us to live.
They rest of humanity are morally inferior and are in need of ,lets say improvement.
Christians are humble.
Atheists are arrogant.”
Yep, that’s it pretty much. Fundy morality is inspiring ain’t it?
They were going to answer to God for what they did with their new land.
Sounds like they will have (or have had) quite a bit to answer for.
It was belief in God and His guidance that would propel them and their future generations into what God had planned for the new country.”
Yea, that and Smallpox.
Whu?
ZZz-snort! Oh.
No, all I can eat tonight is a bowl of soup. Thanks. No, that pumpkin pie will keep till tomorrow.
It’s not the turkey that makes you fall asleep. People only have a bite of turkey and twenty pounds of butter-soaked carbs, and while their digestive system rebels they say “Oh, that damn turkey!”
A group of God-fearing worshippers leaves their sinful home to form a righteous community in the wild, heedless of the danger of such an undertaking. They have already fled from their original home to a new and more tolerant community, but have found that their children are taking on distatsteful local customs. Filled with pious fire, they leave all that they know behind to make a community of virtue in the wilderness.
That’s the story of Jim Jones and the People’s Temple, and their journey to Jonestown. Was their Kool-Aid cranberry-flavored, by any chance?
Swank-you. Swank-you very much.
[…] Here’s the some anti-Thanksgiving snark I forgot to post last Thursday: “Happy Mythologized Harvest Feast!” and “Happy Swanksgiving!” […]
[…] Damn you, Pastor Swank, the last laugh is yours: JUDGE ORDERS OBAMA CAMPAIGN END J. Grant Swank, […]