Down Them Stairs, Lose Them Cares, Down in Byrd-Land
WhizWank blogger Lorie Byrd just spent a long night waterboarding herself with a bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream while watching the last two weeks of Entertainment Tonight on her Tivo. I don’t know this first-hand, of course, but there is no other reasonable explanation for her latest Clown Hall piece titled “From OJ to Britney to Iraq.”
That is such a wingutalicious title with so many possibilities for humor and ridicule that we could probably devote this entire post to that title alone. Or we could just have a contest asking for ideas for other nonsensically triangulated titles, like “From Gore to Hillary to Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus” or “From South Park to The Simpsons to Sticking Steroids in Your Butt.” But then you’d never know how Lorie got from OJ to Britney to Iraq. And that would be a shame. A damn shame.
Remember when OJ Simpson was considered a sports hero and an American success story, rather than that guy who got away with double homicide?
Remember when wingnuts used to say that the jury system was the best thing ever invented by our sainted Founding Fathers? But I digress. Back to Lorie.
Remember when Britney Spears was known as the hit-making Mouseketeer who spoke publicly of remaining a virgin until marriage, rather than the out-of-control boozing party girl who shaved her head, flashed photographers and had her kids taken away from her? Timing makes all the difference.
No, I don’t really remember that, but I guess I don’t need to remember that to see your point: the difference between a good Christian girl and and a coke-crazed slut is a few glasses of Bailey’s on the rocks and an hour or so. But we all knew that already. And what the snort does this have to do with Iraq?
Some may have forgotten, but in April of 2003, Iraqi crowds cheered when the statue of Saddam Hussein was toppled in Baghdad.
They probably have forgotten that because it was all staged by the U.S. military. You are probably beginning to wonder where Lorie is going with all this. Is she saying that Iraq is in a one-way downward spiral like OJ and Britney? Of course not, silly. Remember we’re talking a Clown Hall column here.
No, it’s the Demoncrats who are shaving their heads, exposing their naughty bits and losing their children:
As the value of OJ Simpson and Britney Spears endorsements swiftly plummeted from earlier highs, so has the value politicians can derive from calling for withdrawal from Iraq. … if Democrats continue to declare the mission a failure and call for withdrawal at the same time voters are hearing reports of progress and other good news from Iraq, Democrats will appear to be in denial of reality and worse will appear to be pulling for an American defeat when it appears victory is possible.
And so if the Democrats are Britney, who’s Kevin Federline? Do I really have to spell it out for you?
Congressional Republicans might even be able to pull a Kevin Federline-style rebound. A couple of years ago it would not have been thought possible that the wanna-be rap star Federline, who sponged off of wife Britney Spears’ money and fame, would ever be seen as the more responsible of the two, and the favored spouse in a custody battle for the couple’s two kids, but that is what happened. Timing is everything.
And that, friends, other than being thoroughly delusional, is perhaps the worst extended metaphor since, well, this:
Amazingly, the comments at Clown Hall on Byrd’s typically crappy column are generally negative. Everybody’s calling her on the lie about the statue being pulled down. I wouldn’t have expected that, unless the traffic she’s getting is coming from here.
So John Boehner’s going to release a rap album that makes Shaq’s “Shaq Diesel” look like Arcade Fire?
Hey, would you East Coast elitists stop posting three hours ahead? It’s 7:10 on The Coast, & I have to go to sleep.
Timing, yes, that’s all it is. A matter of timing. Such as that used in standup. It can make or break a joke.
So is George W. Bush Justin Timberlake? And if he is, is he bringing sexy back?
My mom loves that “Drop Kick Me, Jesus” song. In an ironic way, of course.
Wizbang! if a font! of misinformation! and disinformation!
Lorie Byrd’s second favorite pastime is to demonstrate the character of Democrats by asking a series of highly improbable “what-ifs” and then imagining an outcome. And she really shines when it comes to repeating ugly rumors.
Another Wizbang! contributor has a site (VERY SERIOUS) of his own:
http://stolenthunder.blogspot.com/
Bailey’s. Mmm … creamy. Soft creamy beige. You ever drunk Bailey’s from a shoe?
…at the same time voters are hearing reports of progress and other good news from Iraq…
Because at no other time have we heard reports of progress and other good news. Yeesh.
Wide right.
I didn’t make it past “I’ve got the will, if you got the toe”.
I did get to wondering if the a toe was the first step toward the dildo for Gary Aldridge
Love and drop kicks , together again , unlike those who weren’t up to drop kick love . Shoes for baileys , gums for love and drop kicks for fun lovin’ sons ‘O the one
I don’t get the “timing is everything” point there. I guess I shouldn’t even try.
I do like the Democrats in denial claim, though. The people will throw them out for not supporting president 24%.
Man, I love bluegrass, but that video clip was just awful. I had to go to YouTube and dig up some Karl Shiflett and Flatt & Scruggs just to get that crap out of my ears.
Baileys poured over a bowl of Cheetos would be a much better breakfast than Cheetos with Mountain Dew.. From the picture, I guess someone has tried a lot of both.
God, that was lame. I mean really lame. I can’t believe she used the “Saddam Statue” thing. Byrd really doesn’t think to highly of her readers, does she? Why can’t the Dems stand up to these losers again? Oh, and it’s really great you were able to work in some silly metaphor equating Britney Spears’ tabloid antics with the Iraq slaughter. How very…Pantload of you.
Of course, if there is only one bombing a week, that would be victory declaration time. Yes, Bush is bringing democracy, whiskey and sexy back.
God, that was lame. I mean really lame. I can’t believe she used the “Saddam Statue” thing.
And wasn’t O.J. a Republican?
I can’t help but remember, “Permanent Republican Control!” when I read:
Congressional Republicans might even be able to pull a Kevin Federline-style rebound.
Do you think history will record it as “The Dubya Affect.” ?
The Republicans are so desperate they’re actually hoping for a “Kevin Federline-style rebound”? I say go for it, GOP! Let thy glory shine.
And wasn’t O.J. a Republican?
So is Britney.
Honestly, I think we should just trust our president in every decision he makes and should just support that, you know, and be faithful in what happens IInterview with CNN, Sept. 2003)
I love to watch these idiots whistling past the world’s biggest [elephant] graveyard:
Um. Um. All it will take is for green pigs to fly down from the moon and chew up all the Libruls and shit them out as diamonds and .. uh. Oh! George Washington rises from the dead and endorses Mitt Romney and … all the Democrat candidates get caught screwing the same under aged goat, then we’ll get a Republican majority!
Good times.
We’uns down here in the glorious border state of Tennessee have been sniggering over the “Drop Kick Me, Jesus” song since we wuz young ‘uns. Har har! Being a lifelong denizen of the Bible Belt has finally put me in the vanguard of something. And it’s about time too, cuz I’m old.
Let’s give Jesus Christ the football
Let him even-up the score
Let him put it through the crossbars
And be on the cross no more.
– Martin Mull
I don’t know what I’m doing, but here we go:
From Sesame Street to Teletubbies to nuclear winter.
From Big Hunk to Aba-zaba to forced genital mutilation.
From Julie Andrews to Sandy Duncan to WORLD WAR V WITH LASERS!1
Y’know, this “we’re making progress, violence and american casualties are down, now’s not the time to quit” bullshit would only sell in america.
A thousand civilians still die every month in iraq. Sectarian cleansing is almost completed, with Baghdad now 75% Shiite (per Juan Cole). There’s nobody left to fight and nothing left to fight over.
The government is ineffectual, reduced to pretending they have a quorum when they need to. Many of the MPs don’t even live in Iraq anymore. Nothing can get done, nothing can function. Gangs, militias and warlords run Iraq at the local level. Nobody even knows anymore how much oil is exported, because most of it is smuggled. The banks can’t make loans, the expertise for the oil, water and electricity segments have left the country, the militias just run a giant protection racket.
This isn’t progress. This is the end of the first phase of the civil war. Next, the Maliki government will collapse, and there will be a power struggle as a few major players vie for control of the country. In order to loot THEIR share of the treasury and foreign aid.
Iraq is a disaster, a lost cause, a failed state, and our criminal invasion and occupation brought it about. There’s no “progress”. The reduction in violence at this point was both inevitable and predictable. And sadly, quite impermanent…
mikey
They brought Negroponte in to try to obtain that Guatemalan success he’s so famous for (and should be tried at The Hague for too), but it looks like we’re now going for the Somalia model instead. And either way, the wingers will call the outcome a disaster if the US pulls out, and a most glorious success for democracy if the US stays. Please note that either of these characterizations will of course apply to the exact same set of facts on the ground, with the only difference being that there is a US presence or not.
As the value of OJ Simpson and Britney Spears endorsements swiftly plummeted from earlier highs, so has the value politicians can derive from calling for withdrawal from Iraq. … if Democrats continue to declare the mission a failure and call for withdrawal at the same time voters are hearing reports of progress and other good news from Iraq.
Wait a minute. So OJ and Britney were once admired, but then they declined. And the Iraq war was once “cheered” but then its failure became evident.
But Lori’s saying that those who call it a failure are in for a wake-up call when it becomes apparent how totally great and successful Iraq really is?
I look forward to OJ’s new prominence as a spokesman against World Hunger, and Britney’s upcoming debut on the Metropolitan Opera stage.
And so if the Democrats are Britney, who’s Kevin Federline? Do I really have to spell it out for you?
Clif, you are a genius. Hanx for the laff!
I remember her. I used to go on Wizbang and tell all the conservatives they’re wrong, because it’s fun and they are.
Lorie would constantly come up with the most brain-meltingly alogical articles. I see may even be upping her game.
Wizbang is home to some of the most unhinged, over the top silliness, you’d think you are reading a right wing parody site.
But no, they are serious dammit!
If Democrats are Britney Spears and Republicans are Kevin Federline, is she trying to say that their kids are the American and Iraqi governments, better left in daddy’s hands? Would that make the kids Federline had with that other woman, then completely forgot about, Afghanistan and bin laden?
So she’s consistent with her first couple of points:
Remember when OJ Simpson…sports hero…American success story… rather than that guy who got away with double homicide? Remember when Britney…virgin…church-going mouseketeer…now fucked up trailer trash?
But where’s the third paragraph:
Remember when Bush was a frog-exploding, C-average coked-up alcoholic Harvard man who went AWOL while in the military and made millions on insider business deals handed to him on a silver platter, rather than the…
…it doesn’t quite work.
MzNicky said, We’uns down here in the glorious border state of Tennessee have been sniggering over the “Drop Kick Me, Jesus” song
MzNicky, Tennessee has something mighty and radically wonderful though. (Of course it was imported by a Californian and a Canadian, but still, the State and its inhabitants are very supportive.
Shrub disgraced Yale before he disgraced Harvard (if such a thing is possible).
P.S. *@(*#^&$^&^^^@@!~!@!!))($&11eleven1!
I understand that we had huge progress and I wonder why we did not try the same methods before. Say, in Vietnam, shouldn’t we just take VietCong on our payroll? And Khmer Rouge? Even as we speak, Bush tries to have Ethiopian Communists on our payroll; if you want some serious atrocities done, find the people who have experience and like the job.
That said, the annals of faint praise probably do not contain this metaphore: “Congressional Republicans might even be able to pull a Kevin Federline-style rebound. A couple of years ago it would not have been thought possible that the wanna-be rap star Federline, who sponged off of wife Britney Spears’ money and fame, would ever be seen as the more responsible of the two, and the favored spouse in a custody battle for the couple’s two kids, but that is what happened. Timing is everything.”
Sure, they are a bunch of child molesters and men’s room cowboys, innumerate and inarticulate, but I tell ya, they will one day look better then the other guys.
Especially with program planks like abolishing employer provided healthcare — and letting people fend for themselves. (It is not just that the plan is moronic, it would scare hell out of the middle class North, South, East and West.)
In the category of totally pointless digressions illustrating … ahh, never mind, something, I recall “Are you a spaghetti puller or spaghetti pusher?”
Lesley: Thanx for the Tennessee elephant sanctuary recognition, which is so totally awesome.
It’s such a schizophrenic state — capable of producing both Al Gore and Bill “Cat Killer” Frist. And Fred “Whuh?” Thompson. Not to mention Elvis, James Agee, and Dolly Parton. Wheee!
“Congressional Republicans might even be able to pull a Kevin Federline-style rebound.”
Um, Kevin Federline didn’t get better. The person he was being compared to just went nuts.
So I guess Byrd is hoping that Democrats start clog-dancing in the Capitol restrooms, pass a bill that results in 47 million more Americans losing health insurance and invade a country with worse results than Bush got in Iraq.
There’s no law against hoping.
yeah, Tennessee is a crafty little place. I’m just so happy about that elephant sanctuary. I’ve been a supporter since 1995 and am fiercely attached to so many of those gals. I get such a kick out of knowing former circus and zoo slaves are wandering hundreds of acres of wilderness with coyotes, wild turkeys, dogs and cats (all adopted). There’s even a parrot who mimics the sound of the elephants. One of the elephants is extremely fond of dogs – her best friend is a lab – and she barks. It just slays.
Uh, MzNicky (not to be picky) Elvis was born in or near Tupelo, Miss.
“They probably have forgotten that because it was all staged by the U.S. military.”
You mean like how OJ was propped up as an American Sports Hero, and how Britany was propped up as a Sweet Catholic Doe? My god, Next you’re going to imply that Kirk and Spock were played by ACTORS!
“Congressional Republicans might even be able to pull a Kevin Federline-style rebound … Timing is everything.”
Bwuh? I think my brain just snapped.
…at the same time voters are hearing reports of progress and other good news from Iraq…
Because at no other time have we heard reports of progress and other good news. Yeesh.
Surprisingly enough, voters are equally unlikely to notice that despite all the reports of progress, the soldiers seem to be serving endless tours of duty, and never seem to come home.
Oh, they come home.
They come home long enough to lose their edge. To start to feel again. To see us, in our SUVs and McMansions, masturbating to Fox news and drinking deep at the teat of our cut-throat, survive or die culture.
They come home long enough to ask the fundamental question.
Why? Why am I being used? Used up in a desert halfway around the world. Why do they think what I’m doing matters? What do they fucking WANT from me?
Another tour, and another. I believe in what I’m doing. But this is stupid. This is wasteful. These asswads won’t raise a hand to contribute to their country. In the meantime, my mom died, my wife left me, my house drowned in a flood.
Fuckers. I offered you my life in good faith. You used it up, and spit on my remains. And it keeps meaning nothing. Lives wasted. Dollars wasted. America wasted.
Fuckers. Sleep well tonight. In your safe homes, with you safe lives.
We have been betrayed. Oh, make no mistake. We know who betrayed us.
But we know who didn’t stop them. We know who didn’t care…
mikey
Uh, MzNicky (not to be picky) Elvis was born in or near Tupelo, Miss.
M. Bouffant: Mr. Nicky is a native Memphian, so of course we know the birthplace of Elvis is Tupelo, MS. However, his homeplace (Graceland)/souvenir shop, where one may purchase such items as the award-winning Elvis-head fluffy bedroom slippers, is of course Memphis.
Mr.N. was born and early on lived downtown right around the corner from Stax Records. Then later lived right offa Elvis Presley Blvd., in the subdivision of (I kid U not) WhiteHaven. He n’ his ole man delivered telephone books for spare cash back in the day. The no. of books they delivered depended upon the no. of phones in the house, and they delivered a record eleven (11!!) phone books to The King’s house.
Elvis was prone to give away Cadillacs at random, including one to a friend of my mother-in-law’s.
Just being picky. I know Memphis is where he was musically formed. What if his family had moved to Nashville, & he’d had much more country music & much less black gospel/blues music to influence him? What would America be like today?
M. Bouffant: I shudder to think.
What’s ironic about Whitehaven (esp. for Memphis) is that it is primarily an African American community. Also, Elvis applied for a job at a place I once worked at (long before I worked there—I’m old, but not that old) but was turned down because he rode a motorcycle and wore a leather jacket.
ignobility: Yes, that area of Memphis is primarily African-American now. It was a “white-flight” suburb in the ’60s when Mr. N. was growing up there. The admirable Mr. N., in fact, was one of the few visible white faces in the civil-rights marches going on when MLK was assassinated. Truth be known, one of the reasons I fell in love with the big lug.