Et In Unum Dominum Santum Clausum, Filium Dei Unigenitum
The annual War on Christmas by gay godless baby-killing liberal Democratic Islamophiles has begun early this year. According to the American Family Association, that godless cabal at Lowe’s printed a catalog that made a reference to — brace yourselves — “family trees” instead of the Biblically correct term, which would be “Christmas trees” (Isaiah 41:19).
The elite gay atheist set is, of course, laughing itself to death that the American Family Association had its teats in a twist over somebody using the word “family.” “Ha, ha,” these haters are no doubt chuckling, “doesn’t that mean that Lowe’s should boycott the American Family Association until it renames itself the American Christmas Association?” (We’ll see how much laughing these gay atheist liberals will be doing when they are cast into the fiery pits of Hell, won’t we?)
But Lowe’s wasn’t simply content with using a sacrilegious name for its Christmas trees. Oh no. Lowe’s even went so far as to desecrate a Christmas tree. According to the AFA:
Lowe’s even has one of their “Family trees” turned upside down on a stand. We are not sure what the significance of that is.
I’m not a Satanist, but even I can figure that out. It means that naked Lowe’s employees will be pouring steaming goat blood on a virgin stretched out on a picnic table over in the patio furniture section every Friday at sunset.
And Randy Hall, crack crackpot reporter for Cybercast News Service, is all over the Lowe’s story, and even provides his readers with some historical context (emphasis ours):
Cybercast News Service has documented several examples of what some call the “War on Christmas,” the earliest of which were reported in 2000. The following year … Arizona Attorney General Janet Napolitano banned Santa Claus displays and other religious symbols on public property.
You know, it wasn’t all that long ago that the wingnuts were complaining that Santa and his antics were taking Christ out of Christmas. Now, it seems, the jolly elf has become part of the Christian religion. Next thing you know, they’ll be hanging him on a cross and then resurrecting him each year before he hops in his sleigh to deliver toys to Christian children everywhere.
Gavin adds: If you ask me, it’s about time we put the ‘God’ back into ‘Godzilla’:
Jillian adds: Will somebody just hack the AFA site and add a link to Snopes to the bottom of all their “news stories” already?
Lowe’s has said that the reference to “family trees” in their Holiday 2007 catalog was a printing mistake not caught in the proofreading stage, and that their holiday 2007 television commercials, print ads, and advertising flyers do indeed identify their decorated artificial tree products as “Christmas Trees”
I, for one, will be anxiously awaiting Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Claus.
I just want to see what an upside-down Shittah Tree looks like.
the tree was upside down ???
zOGM!
Delenda Est Santago.
I hear if you drink eggnog through a straw you get really hammered.
If they’re so fucking Christian you’d think they’d be in favor of purging the Christmas celebration of these remnants of paganism like these people.
“Ha, ha, ha,” said Santa Claus, as the Romans nailed him to an upside-down pine tree.
Man, I sold my Elite Gay Atheist set at a garage sale when I was twelve, for $5 per action figure. If I’d kept it a few more years and sold it on eBay, it would have been worth like ten grand!
As far as the actual subject of the post is concerned… meh. At this point, I’m wondering if there’s anything the right can’t use as raw material for their vast, stinking outrage factories.
It means that naked Lowe’s employees will be pouring steaming goat blood on a virgin stretched out on a picnic table over in the patio furniture section every Friday at sunset.
Sorry, Home Depot. Nothin’ personal, but I’m movin’ on…
Every year I look forward to the fellowship that the War On Xmas brings to all elitist, gay, communist, Islamists. I plan on going out with my faggot cohorts and purchasing the largest family tree I can find – funded of course by performing routine abortions of white babies in the 7th month of the term. My War on Xmas wish this year is that soon, all white non-gay babies should be mandatorily subject to abortions.
*sniff
Maybe you meant this passage:
Discussion here:
http://av1611.com/kjbp/ridiculous-kjv-bible-corrections/Christmas-Trees.html
Let’s drop a motherfucking bunker buster on Santa’s toyshop, my fellow evil left-wingers.
I can’t wait to enlist. Where do you sign up to fight in this war on CHRISTmas. Macy’s? Toys ‘R’ US?
Jeremiah 10:2-4 (KJV)
Thus saith the LORD, Learn not the way of the heathen, and be not dismayed at the signs of heaven; for the heathen are dismayed at them. 3* For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe. 4* They deck it with silver and with gold; they fasten it with nails and with hammers, that it move not.
Holy Santa that was funny.
The best part? They are pissed that it is upside down, because it no longer points to God.
Two things:
1. I thought God was everywhere. Alpha to Omega, anyone? They’re acting like its Mecca or something. “If we don’t point our trees directly at God, there’s gonna be some smitin’!”
2. The original tradition of the upside down tree comes from the Middle Ages. Why upside down you ask? To represent the Holy Trinity.
The stupidity of the Right scares me. It really does.
As an aborted gay and lesbian atheist muslim wiccan, I for one will be hiding in the holiday trees with an assault rifle this coming month. All’s fair in bestiality and war.
Dammit, I’ve really got to get organized for War on Christmas season. Every single year, it just gets away from me, and I don’t end up celebrating it at all.
I’m hip, Wally. It always sneaks up on me before I have a chance to plan my jihad!
When does the killin’ start? Can I use my AR-15 ‘deer rifle’? What’s the limit on how many I can bag? Do I need a permit?
So many questions. So much work to do to get ready for the war.
We will not stop till the streets run red (and green) with reindeer and elvin blood!
Where’s your God now, Santa?
The real St. Nick, or such as can be discovered behind the legends, made his hagiographic bones providing dowries to dowerless girls, to keep them from turning to prostitution to make their nut.
Such a ministry today would be a biiiiiig hit in Colorado Springs, yah, you betcha.
I read the headline and all of the sudden I am transported back in time. I can smell the incense wafting through the air as I sit next to the priest on the Altar, the cantor raising his angelic voice to God.
And all I could think of was, “sheesh get this shit over with already, there’s a football game on TV and a neighborhood game scheduled for 1 pm.”
If Christians want to win the war on Christmas, all they have to do is take their baby jesus and go home.
They can celebrate Jesus’ Birthday all they want, just stay the fuck out of my Pagan celebration.
We’ll still have the Yuletide with all of its trappings, like the Yule log, the trees decorated with apples and candles and ribbons, the festivities of preparing for another long, cold, dark winter, the home-visiting, the wassailing, the small gift-giving.
Then we can get to the gay abortion part.
Funniest fucking post title EVAH! The whole thing was brilliant.
Kudos.
What kind of ‘Yule Log’ might that be, Humboldt?
We used to hang our Christmas tree upside down in the garage for a few days before setting up in the house. I have no idea why.
I thought the War On Christmas didn’t start ’til the day after Thanksgiving..
Secular Progressive atheists to Xians: Ite, Santa est.
I might just start hanging an upside down tree now, sounds like it might be a hoot. Of course, I would only decorate mine with the scalps of Christians and their freshly sodomized bibles.
We used to hang our Christmas tree upside down in the garage for a few days before setting up in the house. I have no idea why.
You have to completely drain the blood out or they aren’t kosher.
Conspiracy de jeur
It means that naked Lowe’s employees will be pouring steaming goat blood on a virgin stretched out on a picnic table over in the patio furniture section every Friday at sunset.
I am so there.
We used to hang our Christmas tree upside down in the garage for a few days before setting up in the house. I have no idea why.
Silly rabbit, it’s to get all the Holy pine sap closer to G-d when you set it up.
Christ-no-mas! Christ-no-mas!
Dear Morons,
It’s most likely that the copywriter of that catelogue figured the word “Christmas” went without saying, since the product in question was an actual fir tree.
Yours sincerely,
Why are you so dumb
Lowe’s, if you don’t change that catalog, Yule be sorry!
[couldn’t resist]
Roberto Duran said,
November 15, 2007 at 22:11
Christ-no-mas! Christ-no-mas!
Heh heh heh. I love it. It’s sacriligious, it’s counter-cultural, it’s spanish… you know what, they probably won’t get it.
I’m sorry…I always thought Christmas was one family holiday?
Oh dear…does this it mean that it’s catching teh gay? Will pink become the new red-n-green? Will Bill O’Reilly now have to wear that idiotic elf hat…in public?
Branches fold in when trees are cut. When you hang a tree upside-down, gravity pulls the branches down so that when flipped, the tree is fluffy. Tada!
The Family Guy said it best: “Christmas, that wonderful time of year when Jesus Christ rises from the dead to feast on the flesh of the living.”
Be fair. These guys all have major ‘roids that keep them from marching into their local recruiting office and demanding to be sent to Iraqistan.
They’re raring to go, it isn’t their fault they’ve got piles the size of their heads. But since they can’t get out to Iraqistan they can fight the good fight against the Forces of Darkness … from their mothers’ basements.
Really! It’s just as risky as patrolling Fallujah in a Hummer reinforced by cafeteria trays!
7th month? Pfft! What a poseur. I like to wait until they’re up and running, then pick ’em off with a nail gun.
Snopes had an article about this today. The term “family trees” in the catalog was a printing error. Everywhere else (TV ads, newspaper ads, etc) it says “Christmas Trees”. The upside down tree is apparently popular with some people because when you hang the ornaments they don’t fall into the tree but hang away from the tree making them easier to see… or something.
http://www.snopes.com/politics/christmas/familytree.asp
Who cares what Snopes says? I prefer to believe that the upside down tree is a secret symbol used by Satanists to alert each other to pagan rituals, black masses, and human sacrifices in the patio and lawn furniture department.
So it was the kosher, sap-running, fluffy branches reason? That is why? Geez, mom was smarter than I thought.
clif, thanks much for the image of St. Nick on a Stick! One of my favorite expressionsm & now I’ll be able to back it up visually.
I’m having a war on X-mess myself, as I’ve had it w/ these Johnny-come-lately Xtians appropriating my Italo-Roman (Saturnalia) & Germano-Hun-Visgoth-Bavarian (“family tree,” etc.) heritage.
All these publicly financed X-mess displays on public property are part of the War on the First Amendment these fuckers have been waging since the day after Halloween every yr. since time immemorial.
“We used to hang our Christmas tree upside down in the garage for a few days before setting up in the house. I have no idea why.”
You can’t put your root down in front of the baby Jesus, that just ain’t right.
“it wasn’t all that long ago that the wingnuts were complaining that Santa and his antics were taking Christ out of Christmas. Now, it seems, the jolly elf has become part of the Christian religion.”
This WoC stuff is of course mostly ludicrous, but let’s review this particular case. I mean, wasn’t it Santa Claus that she banned in the first place? WTF was up with this deranged chick? Not surprising that the rightwing loonies who crusade for christmas would back up the merry old soul (though frankly, if he saw these characters standing close behind him, he’d likely shit a yule log in sheer panic).
What waters the dopey Christmas tree of the witless WoC culture warriors? Dumb excesses like banning santa claus as a religious symbol, that’s what.
We used to hang our Christmas tree upside down in the garage for a few days before setting up in the house. I have no idea why
My guess would be that it lets all the creepy crawlies drop out in the safety of the garage, so you don’t have the kiddies in hysterics when they find slugs all over their new party frocks.
Mind you, I like the comment in one of the links about the upside down trees: “so there’s more room underneath for presents”. Yeah, that’s the spirit of Christmas all right. Jesus was famous for wandering around handing out bulky packages wrapped in shiny paper. I mean, retail is next to godliness, isn’t it?
Oh, and I want a Godzilla for Christmas! Go, go, go, Gojira!
My favorite two words these days? “Gavin adds.” No offense intended to the entire crew of deliriously smartassed S’Nauts, of course.
Last year I received a chain email from a sortof friend. It was a neo-con hack version of the Christmas poem ‘The Night Before Christmas.’ It was so lame, it barely ryhmed and even had the obligatory Clinton reference and all, so I looked on the Internets to find one I could quickly send back but I couldn’t locate a liberal version on The Google.
So I wrote one. Like to hear it? Here it goes:
–
‘Twas the Month Before X-Box and all through the land,
the fake “War on Christmas” went according to plan.
It’s always the same, no matter the facts.
Fake Christian whine that they’re under attack!
Say “Merry Christmas” they shriek, or we’ll boycott your stores.
We’ll go on Fox News and call you all whores!
We’ll go on talk radio and create such a clatter,
to distract and divide you so nothing else matters.
And they conquer and divide us in all sorts of ways,
so that no one will notice how well their crime pays.
They run up our debts, with deficits galore.
While they cut their own taxes and stomp on our poor.
They preach Peace On Earth, and Good Will Towards Man.
But they dream of war profits, and invading Iran.
And with war in Iraq, and more dead every day,
their biggest concern is whether you’re gay.
But the whole War On Christmas is just this month’s ploy,
to profit from anger like Sears profits from toys.
And if Jesus was born in this day and age,
He’d die of starvation on minimum wage.
But if He survived and grew to a man,
they’d call Him a liberal and toss His Book in the can.
They’d call Him a commie, a pinko and worse,
then slap both His cheeks and send Him off with a curse.
They’d sue Him in court to trademark His name,
then sell Him on Wall Street for money and fame.
So for this “War on Christmas,” don’t shy from the fight
Tell them “talk’s cheap,” they should DO what is right.
‘Cause He belongs in our hearts, not up on some wall.
Not stamped upon money, or in City Hall.
He knows us by deeds, not by prayers that we shout.
What we DO unto others, is what it’s about.
—
Feel free to share it with your favorite wingnut chainmailer.
Schweet!
“Lowe’s even has one of their “Family trees” turned upside down on a stand. ”
Mission Accomplished!!!
My favourite part of the New Testament is definitely the story where Christ drives the priests out of the shopping mall.
I prefer to believe that the upside down tree is a secret symbol used by Satanists to alert each other to pagan rituals, black masses, and human sacrifices in the patio and lawn furniture department.
We use the inverted tree to invoke Evil Santa, He who Dwelleth at the South Pole. We invoke thee with this widdershins wreath! Veni veni veni! Come, Dark Santa, in your shuggoth-drawn sleigh!
This is the most disturbing Christian Christmas present I’ve seen … in my entire life.
Looks like something you’d find in a minister’s wet suit.
I want that Godzilla.
“Lowe’s even has one of their “Family trees” turned upside down on a stand. We are not sure what the significance of that is.”
That’s right! American Family Association: too stupid to know the history of their sacred Holidays.
M. Kulper,
That was pretty good. If I still believed that Jebus was more than a fable to stave off the cold of the unknown, I would definitely have passed it on.
M. Kulper said,
November 16, 2007 at 3:41
That’s wonderful! Just in time for the holidays. I’ll surely take you up on your kind offer to use it.
stogoe, i don’t believe in the Jesus myth either, but the kind of people who send those annoying War on Xmas emails out do, and it might even make an impression. One can hope.
So here’s the hypothetical:
Godless liberals have abducted Santa Claus and are in the process of crucifying him at an undisclosed location as part of their ‘war on christmas’.
Who do you torture first?
What do you do.. what do you do…
I personally found the teddy bears with the bibles much more disturbing:
“Lowe’s has said that the reference to “family trees” in their Holiday 2007 catalog was a printing mistake not caught in the proofreading stage, and that their holiday 2007 television commercials, print ads, and advertising flyers do indeed identify their decorated artificial tree products as “Christmas Trees”
Despite this temporary setback, it would be irresponsible to call the War on X-mas a “quagmire” or “another Vietnam”.
Our troops need all of our support. We are dealing with a ruthless and cruel enemy, but at the end we will prevail and his Big Red Nose will be brought to justice.
It means that naked Lowe’s employees will be pouring steaming goat blood on a virgin stretched out on a picnic table over in the patio furniture section every Friday at sunset.
Sorry, Home Depot. Nothin’ personal, but I’m movin’ on…
However, Friday is “Ladies Night” at The Depot! From 7-10, buffed, twenty-somethings serve spiked eggnog in the garden section and a guy from Chippendales reclines supine on a Weber large enough to grill at least 60 steaks at a time.
I’m not out picketing Lowe’s, because I’m fighting the important Christmas war of ideas at home.
Tuck these striped peppermint-flavored treats in faith-based stockings
OK, show of hands among the ladies: Who here wears faith-based stockings? Do they come in fishnet? Do any of you wear faith-based pantyhose?
[…] Et In Unum Dominum Santum Clausum, Filium Dei Unigenitum [Sadly, No!] it wasn’t all that long ago that the wingnuts were complaining that Santa and his antics were taking Christ out of Christmas. Now, it seems, the jolly elf has become part of the Christian religion. Next thing you know, they’ll be hanging him on a cross and then resurrecting him each year before he hops in his sleigh to deliver toys to Christian children everywhere. […]
“This is the most disturbing Christian Christmas present I’ve seen … in my entire life.”
OMG!
OMG!
OMG!
They have “‘All Aboard For Jesus’ Paddleball Games.” $4.95 for a dozen.
I am so totally buying these.
Santa has been a proud part of the Christmas tradition ever since he helped out Mary and Joseph in a pinch and delivered the baby Jesus that one night in the manger. Obviously you LIEberals have never read the bible!
How’s this for a oxymoron. The founder of that conservative crap-trap is Donald E. Wildmon.
Jah! Wild mon. This doobie be wild, mon.