Trash Man or Man Trash? You Decide!
Senator Larry Craig (R – State of Denial) wants you to know that he’s not gay and never has been gay, not even for a couple of minutes after having polished off a bottle of Captain Morgan’s and smoked a few doobies in Jamaica. So he bared it all, so to speak, in an interview with Matt Lauer.
During the interview, Craig could hardly keep his right foot in place, but each time it tapped its way just a tad too close to Lauer’s foot, Craig’s wife firmly shoved her elbow into Craig’s side and made a very, very stern face that made her look like she had just chomped down on an extra large piece of spoiled lutefisk. The strain of having the burning hunk of Lauer love so near and yet so far took its toll on the Senator, who seems to have, as a result, gotten all confused about crucial details of what exactly went down during his fateful encounter with Officer Karsnia in the Minneapolis airport men’s room
This is what he told Lauer:
Something attracted my attention, and I looked down. And as I looked down, I saw a piece of toilet paper on the floor. And it happened to be under my heel … and I don’t know if you’ve seen it before, but I’ve seen it, somebody walk out of a booth with a piece of toilet paper stuck to their foot. I’d reached down to take it off my shoe, or out from under my shoe. And my hand did go below the divider at that moment in time.
You know, just last week I saw a guy leave a stall with a piece of toilet paper stuck to his wingtips and everyone in the men’s room started snickering and pointing and saying mean and tawdry things, so I certainly agree that this would be a reason to pick up a sticky germ-laden piece of used toilet paper from the floor of a public bathroom in a busy airport. Now notice where that piece of paper was — under his heel.
But what did he tell Officer Karsnia right after the event in question?
Dave Karsnia: OK. And then with the hand. How many times did you put your hand under the stall?
Larry Craig: I don’t recall. I remember reaching down once. There was a piece of toilet paper back behind me and picking it up.
Hmmm. The piece of paper was apparently behind him and under his heel and in the next stall all at once — all while Craig is sitting on the crapper. I think Craig has a calling as a contortionist for Cirque de Soleil once he completes his senatorial gig. Of course, we could speculate as to how the Senator might have developed the redoubtable talent of twisting himself up like a pretzel in a public toilet stall. But Sadly, No! is a serious journalistic enterprise, and such speculation would just be wrong.
Mr. Specter: Before proceeding to the other factors indicating point of entry and point of exit, Dr. Gregory, I call your attention to Commission Exhibit No. 399, which is a piece of toilet paper and ask you first if you have had an opportunity to examine that earlier today?
And Klutzo the Clown said the Filipino orphans shown in photographs on his laptop were naked “because that’s how they live.”
You gotta love the Wide Stance Republicans — I guess they’ve learned that, if you say it the right way, there’s nothing Americans won’t buy.
But Sadly, No! is a serious journalistic enterprise, and such speculation would just be wrong.
No, no, no!!!!! How many times must we say it?
It would be irresponsible not to speculate!!!!!!!!!!
I’ve been trying to figure out how one can even have a wide stance with one’s pants down around one’s ankles. Was he wearing pants with a 46″ waist?
…and would that be the wide pants stance defense?
Maybe because his pants weren’t down? Because — just a guess — he wasn’t planning on taking them down until just the right moment. But if they were down, imagine him sitting on a toilet with his pants down to his ankles and his heel behind him on a piece of paper in the adjoining stall.
Feh!
Of course his freakin’ pants were down around his ankles. And, of course he has something like a 46″ waist–have you seen pictures of this dude? So there’s No Way In Hell™ that he coulda seen a piece of TP stuck on the back of his heel.
Besides, he was very likely preoccupied with, um…
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This reminds me of that time when I stopped into a run-down little theater, only to use the restroom mind you, having absolutely no idea that it was one of those gay porn theaters. Well, I must have gone in the wrong door or something, and as I was stumbling down the dark aisle, trying to find the exit, I tripped and landed with a man’s cock in my mouth. Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, I realized that it wasn’t a gay porn theater at all, but a screening of 300.
Anyway, the point is, the police officer didn’t believe me either.
But if they were down, imagine him sitting on a toilet with his pants down to his ankles and his heel behind him on a piece of paper in the adjoining stall.
Absolutely not, thank you very much.
From the Post article:
Well, sure. If I knew that I was the target of an investigation into my sexual orientation, the first thing I’d want to do to derail it would be to plead guilty to soliciting gay sex in public.
I present, for your laughs, a Wiki edit made by a friend of mine.
Here it is laid out with the previous revision, so you can see the joke if it’s not immediately obvious from the previous link.
We know where the t.p. is. It’s in the area around Larry Craig’s right shoe and east, west, south and north somewhat
Wow, not only does he have a wide stance but his head is HUGE!
Or, as Chief Wiggum would say “That’s some nice Photoshopping, Clif!”
Marq, I don’t watch much TV so all of the pictures I’ve seen of this guy are from the chest up, kind of like Elvis Presley on the Ed Sullivan show.
Why would you keep yourself in a wide stance to remove a piece of toilet paper from your heel? Was he doing bathroom yoga?
It’s the Magic Toilet Paper Theory. Back and to the left. Back and to the left.
Was he doing bathroom yoga?
Om omne padme hummer?
WHY must you practice the politics of heelpaper destruction? WHY?
Also, “spoiled lutefisk.”
Redundant.
“Anyway, the point is, the police officer didn’t believe me either.”
cop: Whaddya mean this isn’t a gay porn theater? Look what’s on screen! Tell it to the judge, She-Ra.
Om omne padme hummer?
Snort!
You commies! It is obvious that there were TWO pieces of toilet paper on the floor of the stall—obviously planted there by evil progressives who have been after poor Larry since he had that little misunderstanding with the National Guard thirty five years ago.
The FIRST piece of toilet paper was featured in the first set of um, explanations he gave the Minneapolis PD, and it was BEHIND his foot; the second piece (which he didn’t mention in the first version because he was kind of distracted by Officer Karsnia’s dreamy bedroom eyes) was indeed stuck to his heel.
And since the Minneapolis Airport maintenance personnel has thankfully been de-unionized for at least a decade, you can always count on their being several pieces of toilet paper all over the floor of the stall (left there by the indifferent and low-paid immigrant personnel) to cover your gay ass when you are caught, literally, with your pants down.
Maybe this was Schrodinger’s stall, where one is both gay and straight until actually observed having Teh Butt Secks. Or not.
The FIRST piece of toilet paper was featured in the first set of um, explanations he gave the Minneapolis PD, and it was BEHIND his foot;
Somewhere near the Assy Hole.
Maybe this was Schrodinger’s stall, where one is both gay and straight until actually observed having Teh Butt Secks
I doubt that he would admit to being gay even if he were caught on video having teh… well, doing the… [vomits up lung]
It’s pretty easy to have a wide stance in assless pants. Just sayin.
A wide stance is often used during the limbo, is it not?
I think it is clear that Sen Craig is embarrassed to admit he was playing Twister all by himself and he was inviting his neighbor to play too.
That sounds more like a yoga stance than a wide stance.
Given his explanation, the mystery becomes clear.
He was merely dipping Mr. Happy in the bowl.
Strangely, the piece of toilet paper in question had the following written on it:
“I can haz secks with yoo?”
Wait, you mean “300” ISN’T a gay porn? Then it’s ok for me to get aroused by the broad shoulders and tight abs exhibited therein? ‘Cause it’s not gay, right?
Sweet.
You left out the part where the long-suffering wife mentions the descriptions of her husband’s dangly bits (by men who’ve claimed to had relations with him) don’t match her intimate knowledge of them.
It’s amazing what women will put themselves through to hold on to their assets.
That wiki edit reminds me of this Tom Tomorrow post.
I suspect Mrs. Craig has never seen her current husband with an erection.
Larry Craig? Any guy with two first names has got to be gay.
Senator Craig’s contortionist act brings to mind Rose Mary Woods’ depiction of how she “accidentally” erased those 18 minutes of the Nixon tapes.
Given his explanation, the mystery becomes clear.
He was merely dipping Mr. Happy in the bowl.
Which creates a new mystery: What the hell for?
Who the hell would ever pick up a piece of toilet paper off the floor of a public restroom?
Is there such a thing as spoiled lutefisk?
Lefsa and tuna hot-dish are a whole different ball game. Ya know?
second piece was indeed stuck to his heel.
Wasn’t it fired from the grassy knoll?
Craig’s wife firmly shoved her elbow into Craig’s side and made a very, very stern face that made her look like she had just chomped down on an extra large piece of spoiled lutefisk.
Ummm, redundant. That’s the only way it comes….
But why was she smiling?
Skoal!
You can stance if you want to.
One has the distinct impression that, were one to walk in directly upon the distinguished senator from Idaho whilst said senator were upon his knees grasping the thromulent sex of a virile youth, which sex were in the process of showering the visage of said distinguished senator from the State of Idaho with a prodigious onrush of love juice, not missing entry unto his agape oriface in the process, the disntiguished senator from the State of Idaho would see fit to assert that he only wished to spare the young lad of the mortification of entry unto the world at large with an unfortunate bit of grit sullying the head of the aforementioned sex.