Fundies In Their Undies, Pt. Infinity-Kabillion

Police: No foul play in Aldridge’s death
October 9, 2007

Police have closed their investigation into the death of the Rev. Gary Aldridge.

Detectives determined that no foul play existed in the case and therefore no crime had been committed, according to a news release from the Montgomery Police Department.

Aldridge, 51, was found dead inside his home about 10 a.m. June 24. He had served as pastor of Thorington Road Baptist Church since 1991.

Forensic results indicate Aldridge was alone at the time of his death, the police release states. A report by the Alabama Department of Forensic Sciences states the final pathological diagnoses for Aldridge’s death as “accidental mechanical asphyxia,” according to the release.

Montgomery County District Attorney Ellen Brooks had sealed the Aldridge case after an initial autopsy conducted by Dr. Stephen Boudreaux, a medical examiner, was sent to Forensic Sciences on July 13. Boudreaux’s report stated Aldridge died of asphyxiation and there were no injuries to his body.

Well, that’s sort of a polite way to put it. In fact, here are some relevant details on the death of Aldridge, a Liberty University graduate and former Jerry Falwell employee:

Dead Reverend’s Rubber Fetish
Autopsy: Pastor found in wet suits after autoerotic mishap

OCTOBER 8–An Alabama minister who died in June of “accidental mechanical asphyxia” was found hogtied and wearing two complete wet suits, including a face mask, diving gloves and slippers, rubberized underwear, and a head mask, according to an autopsy report.

Investigators determined that Rev. Gary Aldridge’s death was not caused by foul play and that the 51-year-old pastor of Montgomery’s Thorington Road Baptist Church was alone in his home at the time he died (while apparently in the midst of some autoerotic undertaking). While the Montgomery Advertiser, which first obtained the autopsy records, reported on Aldridge’s two wet suits, the family newspaper chose not to mention what police discovered inside the minister’s rubber briefs.

Because, okay, you totally don’t even have to click that link, either.

Two wetsuits?

 

Comments: 175

 
 
 

Wow. That’s just plain way too much work, no matter what the payoff.

This dude is six ways weirder than my ex wife…

mikey

 
 

A fundie who denounces “perversion” while being a rubber fetishist pervo himself? Enough with you anti Christian bias! we all know that that never happens in real life!

 
 

So, he was able to hogtie himself? That was the waste of real talent.

 
 

If anyone can answer the question (why) two wetsuits?! please do, because I would love to hear the reasoning behind that.

 
 

I’m with Rufus: How tf did he tie his own hands to his feet…behind his back?

Maybe he asked Jebus to help.

 
 

From the linky:

“There is a dildo in the anus covered with a condom.”

Uh, what? Nothing to see here, just move along…

 
 

If you read the smoking gun link, he had a dildo up his arse with a condom on it.

That’s what I’d like to know … why a condom?

 
 


Kyso K said,

October 9, 2007 at 23:58

If anyone can answer the question (why) two wetsuits?! please do, because I would love to hear the reasoning behind that.

Heavy surf that day!

 
 

Immediately following his death, church officials issued a press release asking community members to “please refrain from speculation” about what led to Aldridge’s demise

It would be irresponsible not to speculate. Since I’m not a member of his community, I’ve got the green light.

I speculate there was a friend involved, who boogied in a hurry when the good pastor stopped playing.

 
 

That’s what I’d like to know … why a condom?

Umm, because they’re made of RUBBER??

Sheesh…

mikey

 
 

When I read: “alone at the time of his death” and “accidental mechanical asphyxia”, I automatically interpolated: “auto-erotic” and thought I had it all figured out. But then came: “found hogtied and wearing two complete wet suits, including a face mask, diving gloves and slippers, rubberized underwear, and a head mask”.

These people can even snuff themselves in ways that are beyond parody. I mean, where do you go from here?

 
 

“That’s what I’d like to know … why a condom?”

I bet it made him feel all dirty and sinful. Condoms are evil after all.

 
 

I’m scratching my head wondering what scripture study course a Liberty U. requires that kind of equipment? Revelations?

 
 

How do you get one wet suit on over another? He must have needed a hell of a lot of K-Y for that.

 
 

Oh, come on. You people. Look:

NOSE: The nose is unremarkable.

What more do you want?

 
 

found hogtied and wearing two complete wet suits, including a face mask, diving gloves and slippers, rubberized underwear, and a head mask”.

That’s a Far Side cartoon right there.

 
 

what scripture study course a Liberty U. requires that kind of equipment?

Book of Jonah.

 
 

no wonder these people speak in tongues. all you could manage in two wet suits with a dildo up your backside would be gibberish.

 
 

…Two wetsuits?

And one yellow metal ring intact on left ring finger.

Also, what kind of wetsuits were they—a Farmer John, a Steamer perhaps? These details are important!

 
Kevin Bacon Holding A Short Roll Of Playdoh
 

Well, having hovered around the fringes of the BDSM scene, I can answer some of those questions; the condom because they are often lubricated and just the softness compared to a dildo, and that rubber can strech and deform easily will lessen some of the risk of tearing of the anal wall, or risk of piles from squeeze, squeeze, squeezing on something quite hard is a sensible precaution. More modern dildos are usually rubber surfaced these days but if he was using an older, pure plastic one… that’s probably why the condom.

And from what I’ve heard from those into it, but never directly experienced, there are certain knots which will tighten when pressure is put in one direction, but release fully when it travels in the other… what happens in accidents like these is the person is leaning into the direction of tightening, but slip out of balance and can’t recover position quick enough to prevent losing consciousness… and the ropes do the rest. I’ve had an ex-girlfriend who used to be able to tie herself into a spread eagle pattern like that for solo play, and I’ve heard of a few claims of people who could hogtie themselves… someone like Houdini certainly could perform amazing contortions with ropes around any part of his body, whether he could see them or not… so I believe it’s possible, but probably pretty rare to go that far. And as God is no doubt telling our Preacher Pal right at this very moment, even rarer to be able to do it safely.
Regarding the two suits, I’m guessing it’s either an increase in constrictiveness (the outer tightens onto the inner which also tightens onto him) or possibly it’s temperature related; two suits will be hotter and sweatier and harder to breathe in than one. Or he just wanted the maximum rubber as possible.

 
 

How can ‘no foul play’ be involved?

I’m calling bullshit on the ‘he hogtied himself’ meme. There was certainly someone else involved. I think, even more interesting than the anus/condom question, is who are they covering for by claiming he did this alone?

What closet cases does Alabama have in the Senate?

 
 

Regarding the two suits, I’m guessing it’s either an increase in constrictiveness (the outer tightens onto the inner which also tightens onto him) or possibly it’s temperature related; two suits will be hotter and sweatier and harder to breathe in than one.

Geez, if he’d survived he might be in three, four, or five suits today.

And as God is no doubt telling our Preacher Pal right at this very moment, even rarer to be able to do it safely.

Um, in this case shouldn’t it be guy below stairs with the spiky tail and horns?

 
 

Another possible reason for the condom on the dildo is that he might share it with someone else. Safer sex.

 
 

[…] Christ, what is the religious right now?  Some sort of breeding ground for sexual hypocrites and we… […]

 
 

asking community members to “please refrain from speculation” about what led to Aldridge’s demise

You know, really, no speculation is necessary.

 
Sadly, Cambridgeport
 

I dunno guys… ever since I came out and moved to Cambridge it’s all “everything closes at two” and “do you want kids someday?”

I’m considering going back in the closet and moving south. Seems to be where all the fun is.

 
 

My goodness, the things people will do to get themselves off.

I’m 48, and I can still work the first girlfriend in my own mastubatory fantasies. And this was VERY vanilla stuff. But it was exciting.

I speculate that one doesn’t just kill themselves doing this the first time; no, he had to work up to it because the old boring “regular” stuff, your standard humiliation/rubber fantasy, just wasn’t working for him anymore. Rubber being a gateway drug and all. I picture him starting with just the mask and gloves.

Wow. The things I learn on this site. Fantastic, save for the fact that rubber and condom-encased dildos up my ass just doesn’t do it for me. C’mon, can’t we have a fundie who has moral fantasies, like me?

 
Herr Doktor Bimler
 

How can ‘no foul play’ be involved?
The Montgomery Police Department were misquoted. On the phone they said “no fowl play”, in their relief that the tragic events were not a repeat of the previous month’s notorious “sauce for the gander” episode.

 
 

And I agree with many of the commenters here, it is very unlikely to me that he was alone.

I like to play Fantasy Politics on my site, the last one involving Larry Craig taking it to the GOP with the threat of, “Do you really want me to speak to this under oath?” theme.

Looking at Mitch, glancing at Graham, and laughing inside all the way to the end of his term. Larry Craig’s public humiliation by the GOP is OVER.

 
 

I’m with mikey. The explination as to the whys for all that equipment provided by Kevin Bacon (etc. etc.) make perfect sense, and my meager experience with the BDSM has been telling a couple people “thanks, but no thanks”. But whatever pulls your particular little red wagon, have fun, though there is a warning to be taken from the preacher’s tragic tale.

Still, that seems like a helluva lot of work just to bust a nut. And it has got to eat up your evenings, man. Little lotion, some Kleenex, and a copy of the Sears catelouge, and you’ve got the rest of the night free for backgammon.

Getting that second wetsuit on must’ve taken a while.

 
 

I suppose if he tied a length of cord to his wrists, with a foot or two of slack between them, then put his arms behind his back, and got on his stomach, it would be possible to easily wrap a turn or two of cord around each ankle. The result would be a hog-tied-ish situation, without having any knots or being so firmly tied that a second person would have to be involved.

When he got ‘into distress’, it could still be difficult to get out of that position if he paniced, especially if he was asphyxiating.

 
 

Right on, Matt.

You’ve got to be a Superfreak to bother with that second wet-suit.

 
 

Oh, come on, guys. This is pathetic. Yeah yeah, wingnut godbags are risible hypocrites, sometimes found dead and hogtied and with rubber-encased dildos in their butts while wearing rubber suits. Okay, sometimes in two rubber suits. What else is new?

In addition, may I just say, I always loved me some Paul Revere and the Raiders. Teh HOT when one was female and 14 years old back in the old days. No Beatles, but still. Yowsa.

 
 

Pam Spaulding points out dildos are banned in Bama.

 
 

the condom because they are often lubricated and just the softness compared to a dildo, and that rubber can strech and deform easily will lessen some of the risk of tearing of the anal wall

See, this is why I hate S&M people- 90% of the reason they do it is so they can blandly talk about shit like the best means of avoiding “anal rupturing” and be all hardcore and feel like they’re really freaking out the normal people. I mean don’t be an asshole: if you’re going to do a bunch of weird unnecessary shit, at least act like you enjoy it for fuck’s sake.

 
 

Rubber being a gateway drug and all. I picture him starting with just the mask and gloves.

Bahaha. This thread will be the gift that goes on giving.

What this country needs is a war on rubber. The Republicans already have a war on rubbers going on…

 
 

t4t,

What closet cases does Alabama have in the Senate?funny you should ask

 
 

Wait. Isn’t this how everyone celebrates George Pataki’s birthday?

 
 

Well, Lesley, we know the authoritarian wing (a.k.a., Republican party) of the country loves them some wars! As long as they don’t have to fight them, of course.

I’m going to the wall if the declare war on semi-public sex, dammit.

 
 

Also, some sort of dildos are hard or impossible to clean so you need a condom. But those tend to be the cheaper ones, and if you can shell out the money for two wetsuits, you should buy a better dildo.

Also, you should have someone else in the room, if only so they can take off the wetsuits and dildos so you can have some dignity in death.

 
 

I speculate that he cut two holes in the wetsuits so he could breath and the dildo blocked the air flow.

 
Kevin Bacon Holding A Short Roll Of Playdoh
 

Um, in this case shouldn’t it be guy below stairs with the spiky tail and horns?

No, he gets all the best tunes, as well as some of the second rank Doors imitators like Jim Morrison. God get’s all the Holy Rollers, because it’s just not as exciting unless they think the ultimate Sky Daddy might catch them in the act… and he’s just the sort of God who likes to keep peeking into bedrooms (or the Garden of Eden) to catch you at it. Everyone wins this way.

And T4Toby, every person ever hanged on the gallows was hung effectively on their own… apart from our faithful friend gravity, natch. What you are assuming though is that he tied his hands himself. Maybe, maybe not… some people can do it, but he doesn’t personally need to. The same mechanism of gravity would tighten a noose around his hands as well as his neck.

So, notice it’s mechanical asphyixiation in this case. Little bit more complicated than leaning your throat onto the clothes line, but only the simplest of mechanical work needs to be understood to work out how to go from there to hogtying yourself… let’s say he had a small see-saw (or stair-lift, anything at all which moves along the plain of gravity will do), which at the flick of a switch tilted his body over here. Body weight shifts, gravity takes over, ropes tighten. Around hands and neck. Flick it back, ropes loosen, knots undo, wet suit needs cleaning again. But get it wrong, slip off the chair, find the switch fails, or you just can’t reach it, and the noose and the knot stay tight, and will remain so until the police eventually find your corpse. Still hogtied without any outside intervention.

Incidentally, in the interests of “research”, I rummaged out (“The next door neighbours” – Ed.) stash of BDSM porn. You’ll find a lot of vibro/condom work involved there too. Just common sense really, if you’ve ever explored that side of life, and unlike using liquid lubrication, you don’t end up with Santorum everywhere afterwards.

 
 

It is unfortunate that liberals forced this man into these activities by pressuring the U.S. to legalize gay marriage.

 
 

Damn you, Gavin! You killed the Smoking Gun’s hamsters!

 
 

Pirates! Dancing girls! Boobies!

What’s not to like about teh Raiders?

 
 

ROTFL, Lesley.

 
 

Also, some sort of dildos are hard or impossible to clean so you need a condom.

Isn’t that what dishwashers are for? Top rack, and keep them away from the good china…

 
 

It is unfortunate that liberals forced this man into these activities by pressuring the U.S. to legalize gay marriage.

This is Alabama. He was probably driven insane by the total lack of big honkin’ slabs of rock with The Ten Commandments chisled on them placed on the courthouse square.

 
 

If anyone can answer the question (why) two wetsuits?!

I wear two wetsuits just in case the first one falls off…

 
 

Set your dishwashers to “sanitize.”

I don’t have a lot of experience with dildos, sadly, but what kind are there that are hard to clean, exactly, and why would anyone buy/steal/borrow a “hard to clean” dildo?

That just seems like trickle-down economics to me. A bad idea from the get-go.

 
 

let’s say he had a small see-saw (or stair-lift, anything at all which moves along the plain of gravity will do), which at the flick of a switch tilted his body over here. Body weight shifts, gravity takes over, ropes tighten. Around hands and neck. Flick it back, ropes loosen, knots undo, wet suit needs cleaning again.

I can’t help thinking of Wallace and Grommit’s various contraptions in A Grand Day Out. Of course, that was family entertainment.

 
 

You had me at “There is a dildo in the anus covered with a condom.”

 
 

BTW, why are all these Republicans choosing to be gay?

 
 

Let’s not forget the “grossly unremarkable” line. I’m using it in conversation tomorrow.

 
 

HEY, AkaDad! There is NO evidence that this man was gay!

Sure, there is induction and deduction, but that just doesn’t play with right-thinking Republican theocrats!

And also, not that there’s anything wrong with that!

 
Kevin Bacon Holding A Short Roll Of Playdoh
 

I mean don’t be an asshole: if you’re going to do a bunch of weird unnecessary shit, at least act like you enjoy it for fuck’s sake.

You don’t even need to try, my friend. Because you don’t have a clue why BDSM people do it. Let me give you a little tip… at no point in the sex act are they going “Oh god, yes, yes, YES THIS’LL FREAK TB OUT.” Or freak anyone else out for that matter. Some people find rubber a turn on. Some people find pain a turn on. It’s as necessary to the act of mating as stockings or breasts, or building a particularly impressive nest , or anything else that creatures all across this earth think “sexiness” involves… In otherwords, it’s not unless you enjoy it, because you wouldn’t do it if it was all the excitement of building an Ikea wardrobe, and insert tab A into Slot B otherwise.
And they aren’t going to phrase those turn ons in ways you personally find acceptable either. It would be like shouting “THIS SEX MEETS WITH MY GRANDADS APPROVAL!” at climax. Not many people find such language communicates the concept of getting hot, y’see. Blaspheming against the Holy Father maybe, but not “This Orgasm Guaranteed By TB’s Quality Control”. The only reason it’s extreme or weird (but only to you) is because that’s part of the nature of the beast… the sex is whatever the sex is. And that’s in the mind. We could discuss romantic moments instead; and you’ll find those times are couched in terms of hands held, flowers exchanged, little words that have private meaning between two people… words which also won’t be necessary in the ways you feel they should be again because that’s the nature of that beast too. It’s always personal, and unless you speak that personal language, you don’t have a clue what you are talking about I’m afraid. Do BDSM peeps enjoy such sex? Hell yeah… you don’t believe that though because you don’t have the slighest clue what language they use to express that enjoyment… but oh how they are when you take the time to learn it. Perhaps no more, but certainly no less than any other acceptable couple you could chose as a rolemodel. But perhaps not as much as Republican Preachers seem to do, it’s true. His sex is to die for.

And… it’s also rather polite, wouldn’t you say, to also not ignore the practical consequences of sticking things into each other’s bodies? Just because you don’t know, and don’t want to know why you should consider using a condom in certain circumstances doesn’t mean we should all be quiet just to avoid hurting your delicate sensitivity. You’re not volunteering for a practical demonstraion anyway.

In fact; look at it like this… hypocrisy or not, if our Preaching pal hadn’t had to hide his sexuality so much, if someone else had been in that room with him, or if he’d reached out to asphyixiation communities and openly been able to explore the safe limits of his interest, perhaps he wouldn’t now be dead. At the very least, if you had your way, he’d certainly have a very sore ass. Which is probably no more than he deserves. But what about all of those decent, caring, liberal people out there? Are they supposed to have chapped fannies because you’ve got a bee in your bonnet about people being open about the realities of sex? They aren’t shoving it in your face… they just want to tell the truth about what happens when they shove it elsewhere too.

So get a grip, TB. Use both hands if you feel like it, in fact… it’s all the same in the end.

 
 

If you read the smoking gun link, he had a dildo up his arse with a condom on it.

That’s what I’d like to know … why a condom?

Obvously so you dont have to wash the dildo. To many washing will dry it out and make it less realistic….

What? Quit looking at me…

 
 

Ouch, that link was supposed to be funny you should ask

 
 

Did I ever tell you guys about the little vibrator repair shop I used to run in Sacramento? I saw all sorts of Dildo Damage, from mere bondo work to full-on rebuild.

Most of the problems related to noise dampening. The buzzing noise is directly related to the intensity of vibration, so dampening the noise without reducing the, er, functionality of the device required some serious ingenuity. I’ll give you a hint to use at home. Folded matchbook cover cardboard and elmers glue.

The post-repair test runs were always entertaining…

mikey

 
 

In my view, it is because the people who have rejected a role for twin wetsuits and dildoes in anuses are simply deathly afraid of questions to their sexuality – and sexuality it is, because there is no way to falsify the concept that this autoerotic tableau wasn’t created by Teh Ghey.

 
 

No offense Kevin Playdoh guy but I’m glad I’m not inclined – or so far beyond the pale – that I’d put my life at risk for an orgasm.

Bizarre or abnormal appearances aside, this guy was unconsciously suicidal. There’s something deeply wrong with that.

Now if someone chooses – and I use that word loosely because who knows what went down in their childhoods – to do that and they have no kids to walk in and find them in a wetsuit with a dildo up the arse, all the more power to them. (I feel for the cops who have to contend with a dead body in two wet suits, though.)

 
 

BTW, why are all these Republicans choosing to be gay?

Because the islamo-liberal-commie-homo-mexi-fascists keep sucking their cocks, damn them all to Hell!

In other words, Let’s Get Nuts!

 
 

Damn, that’s tragic. I mean, who among us hasn’t tied themselves up while wearing two wetsuits with a condom-clad dildo up our ass? That could have been you or me. The poor guy.

 
 

“…if he’d reached out to asphyixiation communities and openly been able to explore the safe limits of his interest…”

Asphyxiation community members have been asked to refrain from using specula.

 
 

Damn, that’s tragic. I mean, who among us hasn’t tied themselves up while wearing two wetsuits with a condom-clad dildo up our ass? That could have been you or me. The poor guy.
Thanks for interjecting a little sober sentiment, gunner. We should all count our blessings.

 
 

My two cents, the reason for the condem was he wasn’t alone and the john put the condem on the dildo and then…well, ok, just my two cents.

 
Herr Doktor Bimler
 

Did I ever tell you guys about the little vibrator repair shop I used to run in Sacramento?
Not recently. Did this involve customised paint jobs? Airbrushed flames? Go-faster stripes?

 
 

@Kyso K

If anyone can answer the question (why) two wetsuits?!

If one wetsuit is slimming- imagine how svelte you look in deuce.

 
 

I’m not one for following the crowd or jumping off a bridge because someone else has, but this wetsuit-dildo combo isn’t as enjoyable as I thought it would be…

 
 

If anyone can answer the question (why) two wetsuits?!

because even though you’re wearing rubber undies, flippers, a diving mask, diving gloves, you’re hogtied and have a dildo up your bum… if you’re only wearing one wetsuit, that’s just way too vanilla.

 
 

There is a dildo in the anus covered with a condom.

I didn’t know you could cover an anus with a condom!

But seriously, folks … is this, perhaps, the fabled enormous, mendacious, disembodied anus?

Inquiring testicles want to know! Time to pay a visit to the family!!

 
 

The two wetsuits are because Jesus can’t see through two layers. Thus, the dildo didn’t count.

 
 

Oh, lord, I can’t stop laughing.

if you can shell out the money for two wetsuits

Fuuny, the spouse and were just recently having a conversation about sexual fantasies and the acting-out thereof, and in the conversation the subject arose of the preacher who was recently killed with a shotgun by his wife. Among the mitigating factors brought out at her trial was that she was forced to participate in his supposed perverted sexual fantasies. He forced her to dress up like a hooker. One photo in the newspaper showed a photo of the evidence – a big ole white patent-leather eight-inch high heeled shoe with 3 inch platform soles.

Now – I’m as open-minded as anyone, but I think if someone made me wear those Ugly-Ass shoes at anytime, not just during sex, I’d either shoot him or beat him to death with the goddam shoe itself.

 
 

Repressed sexuality never ends well.

You know what’s funny about this? Aside from the dead guy encased in rubber with a plastic dick up his butt, I mean. I think there’s a real difference in how the conservative/religious loons see this and how we assorted moonbats and leftagnards look at it.

They see a preacher with a sexual problem.

We see a man with a religious problem.

 
shane's dentist's attorney's bookie
 

If anyone can answer the question (why) two wetsuits?!

If one wetsuit is slimming- imagine how svelte you look in deuce.

I think flatfoot has got this confused with SlimJeans Theatre’s production of “The Great Escape”.

 
 

Okay, I don’t care what the man did. As long as nobody forces me to don a wetsuit and sit in the corner on a lifeguard stand while I watch him hogtie himself, he can do whatever he likes. Private sex — weird or not — is private. What drives me nuts is the hypocrisy. Conservatives go crazy over a blow job or — gasp!– semen on a dress but if you get your jollies by dressing up like Jacque Cousteau with an anal accessory, they all look the other way.

 
 

I hope this hypocrite’s spirit floated around the room looking down on that rubberized hogged tied mess knowing he couldn’t do a thing to cover it up and make it go away before the cops arrived.

Karma should suck for some people in the after life.

 
 

I blame You Tube myself – that’s really upped the stakes for people looking to become a star on um…Jackass.

 
 

Well, we’re all bound to die some time.

 
 

All that dancing from teh Paul Revere women is “makin’ my penis soft.” /chappelle

 
 

Hey, YOU try walking through a mall hogtied, wearing two complete wet suits, including a face mask, diving gloves and slippers, rubberized underwear, and a head mask . . .

 
 

Little lotion, some Kleenex, and a copy of the Sears catelouge

I’ll let you in on a little secret, Matt. Sears catalogues are out, there’s a new thing called the internets, it’s a series of tubes designed for masturbation and attacking 12-yr-olds.

Give it a go, it’ll blow your something, something, something………

 
 

Reminds me of another conservative who tried too hard for an orgasm.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stephen_Milligan

 
 

That is just fuckin sad.

 
 

[i]”I suppose if he tied a length of cord to his wrists, with a foot or two of slack between them, then put his arms behind his back, and got on his stomach, it would be possible to easily wrap a turn or two of cord around each ankle.”[/i]

No way man, hogtying yerself is easy. You just tie your ankles together and leave a long piece of rope at the end of the knot. Then you lie on your stomach and place the rope between your knees (or if yer real dirty, in your butt crack). then comes the only hard part, you tie your wrists together behind your back with another piece of rope. Then you simply grab the other rope from out of your crack, loop it through your wrists, and pull down on it towards your ass until your ankles are near your hands. Then you tie off that rope on itself. The hard part at this point would be working a dildo into your ass.

 
 

Holy shit. It musta took this dood more planning than cheney was willing to commit to the invasion of iraq.

I know. That’s not saying a great deal. But this? Charlmagne and Roland couldn’t have put that together.

If they were alone.

And dildos had been invented.

I mean, you KNOW the Franks…

Oh, never mind….

mikey

 
 

So I have no idea about all the BDSM stuff but wetsuits and diving I know. Sounds like a typical cold water two piece wetsuit with a hood. This is called a farmer john and jacket combination. Real old school jackets have a beaver tail. Hmmm, maybe he was looking at a ScubaPro catalog and got the wrong idea? Doesn’t sound old enough to have a Sea Hunt fetish.

 
 

Q: Why two wetsuits?

A: It was cold out.

Q: That’s what I’d like to know … why a condom?

A: There’s some things a self-respecting dildo should simply never see.

Q: The only reason it’s extreme or weird (but only to you)

A: Okay, it’s not a question, but it’s an opening I can’t resist (and yes, that’s a double weysuit entendre). ‘Fraid not. While I’m a to-each-his-own kinda guy, I’m willing to bet at least 200 million Americans consider it extreme or weird and will spend the rest of teir sexual lives trying NOT to think of Lloyd Bridges felching with Flipper.

Q: Do you really think this was a mere sexual fantasy played out to a tragic conclusion?

A: No, actually, this is how you flunk the final at Oral Roberts University. Only the survivors get to hogtie others to REALLY weird ideologies that involve sticking one’s dildo-enhanced asses into the White House.

 
Herr Doktor Bimler
 

So which plural is correct — dildos or dildi? This spell-checker doesn’t like either, and my Inner Pedant needs to know. Also, if you encounter a large number of them, is there a collective noun?

It occurs to me that the guy was just trying to ‘contact his inner child’, in a particularly literal way.

 
Herr Doktor Bimler
 

Moreover, I have to say that “mechanical asphyxia” sounds like some variety of early calculator.

What are these things on your desk, Herr Doktor?

Oh, just a couple of mechanical asphyxia I bought when the University was clearing out the storeroom. I know you get the same results from an electronic asphyxium, but it doesn’t have the same charm.

 
 

We can all learn from this tragedy when it comes to AutoEroAsph…

Slipknots=Safety, people!

Now go forth and dress in multiple wetsuits and hogtie yourselves while strangling yourselves to death while masturbating or fucking your version of the Gimp.

The spirits say it’s a great way to go out.

 
 

Herr Doktor, more like he was getting in touch with his inner Little Mermaid.

 
 

So get a grip, TB. Use both hands if you feel like it, in fact… it’s all the same in the end.

Forget what I said earlier. You can talk about asshole rupturing all you want- just have the decency to stop with the double entendres.

 
 

Maybe the dildo was made in China and the condom was there to protect against lead paint. Who wants to die of lead poisoning?

 
 

One of the first questions to come to mind for me (after “why two wet suits?”) would be: had he been rescued at the last minute, on what would his sermon have been the following Sunday? The Good Samaritan?

And, since he wasn’t rescued, what was the first thing St. Peter said when he saw this poor soul coming toward him?

a) “The pool is right behind the recreation hall.”

b) “We’ve never had a seal impersonator before.”

c) “What? No ball gag?”

d) “Man, you’re wearin’ more rubber than an eighteen-wheeler!”

 
 

I think the collective noun is “a ream of dildos”

 
 

[…] found it in this post on Sadly No! (it’s okay to click this link; this is not the one).  It’s the story about the truly […]

 
Herr Doktor Bimler
 

the collective noun is “a ream of dildos”
He he! Not to mention “A clutch of pearls”.

And if the speculation up-thread is correct (about the involvement of a friend), then the moral is clear. Safe-words should be easily pronounced through a head-mask, so YHWH is not a good choice.
Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn! is not particularly practical either.

 
 

Also, if you encounter a large number of them, is there a collective noun?

A buttload?

(I like Jambo’s answer better.)

 
 

Two wetsuits? That’s what? A half inch of rubber? What the hell was he planning on rubbing up against that could get him off through that much neoprene? Freshly washed, shaved and lubed I’m liable to be derailed by a rogue pubic hair.

Maybe, just maybe, he was demonstrating an extreme amount of caution. You know, the BDSM antithesis of a Yosemite free-climber or something.

That, or he was just a freak.

 
 

As a certified Dive Master (yeah I know how it sounds in this context). I’m appalled that the good reverend violated the first tenet of safe diving. ALWAYS HAVE A DIVE BUDDY.

BTW, did anybody happen to notice whether a lobster was mentioned in any of the police or media reports? Cause I’m missing a lobster and he’s kinda special to me. His name is Sparky and he’s got a rather unique talent that me and the boys down at the scuba club discovered one rainy day and….well you get the picture. Sure hope he made it out alive and can find his way home.

 
 

His favourite movie: The Abyss!
His favourite tv show: Sea Hunt
His favourite animal: the Blowfish (you look at that thing and tell me you can’t find some BDSM possibilities)

 
 

pastors get so much done in a day

i love my freaky dead pastor

 
 

Oh boy

I found a fundie forum discussing the good pastor’s demise:

He used to lead the singing in Chapel and sang “People Need the Lord” all the time and was famous for trying ot get several thousand college kids to settle down by repeating “Young people” over and over again.

sounds like a great man – a natural master (dive?)

 
 

[…] should be a mature adult to read the rest of this – not like these people or these people. While the Montgomery Advertiser, which first obtained the autopsy records, […]

 
 

is name is Sparky and he’s got a rather unique talent that me and the boys down at the scuba club discovered one rainy day and….well you get the picture

that is sick, free the sexually oppressed lobsters from the left wing perversions of PADI!

 
Qetesh the Abyssinian
 

lobbey, the habit of dying during dangerous auto-erotic practices would have been invented by the British Conservative Party, if it hadn’t already been invented by the British aristocracy. In fact, it’s been immortalised by one of the finest movies ever made, The Ruling Class. It stars a youthful and massively talented Peter O’Toole as the 14th Earl of Gurney, who becomes the lord after his father, the 13th Earl, hangs himself dressed in a tutu and cavalry jacket. The hanging scene, which is the opening scene of the movie, is a marvellous summary of the foibles of the aristocracy. Black comedy and scathing social satire at its absolute best.

I gotta say, this thread wins by a buttload.

What?

 
 

SidB takes the day with that fundie thread.

Something tells me it’s going to be a Chuckles the Clown kind of funeral.

 
 

“As a certified Dive Master (yeah I know how it sounds in this context). I’m appalled that the good reverend violated the first tenet of safe diving. ALWAYS HAVE A DIVE BUDDY.”

To which I’d add what was drummed into me, “plan your dive and dive your plan.”

I do love though the simple bathos of this line in the Autopsy Report.
“Personal effects: one yellow metal ring intact on left riing finger, one dildo.”

However I do feel this thread is plumbing new depths quite at odds with Sadly, No’s long tradition of informed, nuanced and even-handed discussion of current events.

Can I suggest taking Quetsh’s cue and lifting the tone by suggesting some quality artistic diverstissments instead? Like say Robertson Davies’ “The Rebel Angels”, a witty and erudite academic novel that ends with a (male) professor found dead, tied to a chair, dressed as Queen Victoria, with a mouthful of hash cookie and 40 feet of pink ribbon protruding from his rectum. In Canada.

No? OK, porn movie title time.

“Dirty Divers”
“Hotsuits”
“Rubber Agape”
“Tight Fit”

 
 

The Alabama state flag looks a lot like a “diver down” flag…x 2.

 
 

Alos, that Paul Revere clip’s ace. If only the good pastor had stuck to the classics like high leather boots and go go dancers, he’d still be around to launch a repentant funds drive.

 
 

Actually, the Alabama state flag means “require ass-istance” when hoisted at sea.

My bad.

 
Herr Doktor Bimler
 

I do feel this thread is plumbing new depths
Nabakov is right. It is time that we asked ourselves, “Does this new depth really need plumbing? Is it really likely that some future diver or spelunker will arrive here and suddenly need hot & cold running water? Or a bidet?”

 
 

Just be glad you’re not a cop: There is decomposition present with insufflation of gas. There is early bloating. There is focal skin slippage. The head is markedly suffused with decompositional changes and purple/green discoloration of skin surfaces

Inside two wetsuits. Some poor bastard had to unzip the suits. And pull it out.

 
 

Tell me about it. We could only get *one* wetsuit on the elephant. Didn’t need a dildo, though.

 
 

Lesley said,

October 10, 2007 at 11:52

SidB takes the day with that fundie thread.

Something tells me it’s going to be a Chuckles the Clown kind of funeral.

Lesley – Given the wits above me, I don’t deserve such praise, but thank you just the same 🙂

 
 

“Is it really likely that some future diver or spelunker will arrive here and suddenly need hot & cold running water? Or a bidet?”

Or lashings of talcum powder and some improving literature on 21st century transubstiation practices.

We all have our own personal rubber Jesus. Let us not mock the late and lamented Pastor Aldridge. There but for the grace of God and a broken webcam link to his safety buddy across town go us*.

*By “us” I mean you.

 
 

How am I ever going to explain this to the children in the youth choir?

Did this guy know how to live in God’s grace or what?

 
 

bjacques: Now that is the single most uncalled-for image I have seen all week. Please don’t do that anymore. I’m going to hurt myself laughing.

 
 

[…] First, despite one’s politics or religion, it really is unseemly to make fun of the story, despite the absurd (if not comedic on some levels) elements of the situation. However, the fact that event ended in a needless death should drain the humor out of the story. Nonetheless, some have been unable to resist (for example). […]

 
Judge Not Lest Ye...
 

Funny how not one media source has mentioned Gary’s elder brother, Jack Aldridge. Mr. Jack was angry at Gary because of their family estate. I sense Jack was cut out of the will from what I have gathered; he did not even attend Gary’s funeral and was sending Gary threatening emails two weeks previous to Gary’s passing. Not to upset the apple cart here but there is a suspect here who has sufficient motive for committing a henious crime and what better way to embarass your brother who is a minister than to set up a crime scene and MAKE IT LOOK LIKE Gary was into sexual / kinky scenes….me think a few folks to need to lower their proverbial sling shots and send a few sheckles the families way to hire a private investigator. Who knows, maybe the police were paid off to make this whole matter disappear by ‘closing the case’. Time will tell.

 
 

Who knows, maybe the police were paid off to make this whole matter disappear by ‘closing the case’.

Who knows, maybe a bunch of bullshit is the real truth?

Time will tell.

I believe it just told.

 
 

You know what’s really gonna piss off Liberty University? An alum is gonna win this year’s Darwin Award.

 
 

His last words were “Juliet Bravo”. Daddy controls your breathing!
(League of Gentlemen Series 3)

 
 

Has anyone else noticed that we haven’t seen Bruce in quite awhile? Hmmm.

Judge, I’ll give your suggestion some consideration. However, I have to ask, have you spoken with the authorities about your suspicions? If you have reason to believe a murder has taken place, you have the moral obligation to come forward, and not just, say, post paranoid ramblings on a liberal/commie/islamohooker comedy blog.

Certainly if the Reverend had enough money to get murdered over, and it would be totally unusual for a person in that position to die intestate (ie he must have had a will), then it seems highly likely the surviving family has enough money to hire an investigator on their own.

Nice try, though.

 
 

Not to suggest that Bruce and the Rubber Reverend are one and the same. Perish the thought!

Hell, Bruce wouldn’t leave the house to get the mail in anything less than three wetsuits and two dildos (don’t ask), looking rather like one of those Russian Matryoshka dolls, only a whole lot sweatier and generously smeared with lube.

 
 

Time will tell.

Don’t hold your breath.

 
 

“The reverend accidentally put himself into checkmate while attacking his bishop.”

Seen in comments to the story in the Mongomery newspaper linked to in the post.

 
 

So which plural is correct — dildos or dildi?

You forgot the ‘e’ on the end of ‘dildoe’.

 
 

zsa said,

“That’s what I’d like to know … why a condom?”

Safe Sex ™?

 
 

“Who knows, maybe the police were paid off to make this whole matter disappear by ‘closing the case’. ”

So how much you reckon do you think you’d need to pay a State Department of Forensic Sciences to write this?.

I only ask because I’m thinking of getting into writing for edgy cable comedy series and wanna get a feel for current market rates.

 
 

Funny how not one media source has mentioned Gary’s elder brother, Jack Aldridge. Mr. Jack was angry at Gary because of their family estate. I sense Jack was cut out of the will from what I have gathered; he did not even attend Gary’s funeral and was sending Gary threatening emails two weeks previous to Gary’s passing. Not to upset the apple cart here but there is a suspect here who has sufficient motive for committing a henious crime and what better way to embarass your brother who is a minister than to set up a crime scene and MAKE IT LOOK LIKE Gary was into sexual / kinky scenes….

As a triathlete who frequently swims in a wet suit (only for swimming, honest), it is incredibly hard to put one one. Putting two on would be terrible! I cannot even imagine. However, putting two on a dead body would be impossible! And if it was done by a brother, why would he bother using a condom on the dildo? No, the set up would be far too difficult. The reverend was just a pervert.

 
 

I bet the dildo had two condoms…

 
Klein's Tiny Left Nut
 

I hope I’m not repeating anyone else’s observation, but I would answer the why two wetsuits and a condom inquiry thusly:

You can’t be too careful.

I mean obviously he was the proverbial belt and suspenders man.

 
 

And if it was done by a brother, why would he bother using a condom on the dildo?

It was his brother’s dildo and it was too yucky to touch.

 
 

How does one hogtie oneself? What kind of forensic process concluded that this guy was alone when he was found hogtied? Does the sheriff in that town own a wetsuit, by any chance, and has it gone missing for a while?

 
KevKev in Apache Junction, Arizona
 

Christian Clown In Perv Bust
OCTOBER 10–An Illinois man who worked as a “Christian clown” named Klutzo was arrested yesterday on child pornography charges for allegedly taking naked photographs of young boys at a Philippines orphanage. According to a federal criminal complaint, Amon Paul Carlock took the illicit photos during a “clowning” trip to the House of Joy orphanage earlier this year.
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2007/1010071clown1.html
KLUTZO’S KORNER
(A Family Friendly Website)
http://klutzo.com/
KLUTZO AT PLAY
http://klutzo.com/_wsn/page2.html

 
 

Reminds me of one of my favorite lines from “Fight Club”,”…it’s a dildo. Of course it’s company policy never to, imply ownership in the event of a dildo… always use the indefinite article a dildo, never your dildo.”

 
 

Now for the really important question: Now that the coroner has released the body and personal effects, will Mrs. Reverend Aldridge be having a garage sale of slightly used diving equipment and other personal paraphernalia?

 
 

TID said,

October 10, 2007 at 17:07

“The reverend accidentally put himself into checkmate while attacking his bishop.”

What? No jokes about queens? They’re going to need to catch up down in Bumfuck, AL…

 
 

um…i understand 2 wetsuits and a condom
but 2 ties and 5 belts?!?!?!?
thats just wrong

 
Live_AL_ButNotFROMhere
 

This has been a hilarious read, I had not even heard of this event. and I LIVE in Alabama. Dildos are legal to own, just not the the retail sale, that is illegal. U.S. Supreme Court just declined hearing the case so they remain illegal to sell.

but since we have a request for a queen joke, all that gear and no lingerie?

I can hardly get into one wet suit, dove for years, I cannot imagine two.

Condom, assuming it was anally inserted, is to keep the dildo clean.
as some have suggested. Some of the better quality latexes are somewhat absorptive(sp?), which can cause stains. see, we really do know how to buttf*ck down here. Classy, huh? I jest.

When I first read this, what happened, I thought the wet suits were for holding in the farts he wanted to smell as he jerked off. LOL There was another case where some guy had a hose from his ass to his face, different state though(whew!)…LMAO

 
 

Funny how not one media source has mentioned Gary’s elder brother, Jack Aldridge. Mr. Jack was angry at Gary because of their family estate. I sense Jack was cut out of the will from what I have gathered; he did not even attend Gary’s funeral and was sending Gary threatening emails two weeks previous to Gary’s passing. Not to upset the apple cart here but there is a suspect here who has sufficient motive for committing a henious crime and what better way to embarass your brother who is a minister than to set up a crime scene and MAKE IT LOOK LIKE Gary was into sexual / kinky scenes

As someone said earlier, this is a ridiculous hypothesis. You’d have to be one strange and sorry nut to struggle two wet suits on to a dead man. I realize some of the parishioners are in extreme denial over their beloved fork-tongued hoser of a pastor, but grow some sense.

 
 

you put your dildo in the washer? that’s just nasty. yeah, i could see the condom on the dildo thing, or maybe he thought it would make him pregnant

 
Live_AL_ButNotFROMhere
 

I was actually talking about the quality of the material used to make dildos, when I used the work ‘latex’, not sure what the material is, some can really absorb. and it is not cool having a nice flesh-tone dildo, with a big brown ‘birth-mark’ look on it, especially if you KNOW what caused the stain. LMAO

 
Live_AL_ButNotFROMhere
 

just trying to add to the hilarious comments; I’ll stop, its almost 5p in AL anyway.

I learned all that stuff from a girlfriend, I’ll have you know. LOL

 
 

Kinky Murder Scene Checklist (2nd Final Draft!!!)

Dildo
Chastity belt
Condom for dildo
Coconut cream pie
Blonde cheerleader
Wet suit
Another wet suit
3 dozen soft boiled eggs
2 ties
5 belts
Vintage Wang word-processor
Rubber mask
One of my old copies of Rubber Fancier magazine
Rubber underwear
Whoopie cushion

 
Herr Doktor Bimler
 

“The reverend accidentally put himself into zugzwang while attacking his bishop.”
It sounds dirtier that way.

 
 

funny – he usually wears three wetsuits

aquaman is a kinky freak – YEOW!

 
 

If only it had been Gary Aldrich, another wingnut with a dildo fetish.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gary_Aldrich

 
 

OK, a simple answer to why two wetsuits.

He’s constricting his blood flow everywhere but his crotch. And his brain.

Get it?

All that rubber, all those straps, two ties around his neck — this isn’t a rubber fetish, he’s clamping the blood out of every part of his body that he can reach, SO THAT HE HAS THIS BIG, MASSIVE HARD-ON, and a BIG MASSIVE HEAD-RUSH when he brings himself off. Yes, that’s a lot of work for an orgasm, and as someone said above, that ties up a lot of your evenings. But it’s simply the case that some folks are into the constrictive head-rush. It’s even seen occasionally in straight porn, when one partner chokes the other at climax, and very famously in the serious art film “Swept Away”.

I have never done any of this stuff myself, and I DEFINITELY do not recommend that anyone dabble in it, but from ample indirect experience I can attest that constrictive erotic head-rush is a potent thing. But far more people die doing this than you may realize — it’s just way too easy to pass out with something tightening around your neck. As someone said above, if you’re going to get into this, look for a partner. Both of you will live longer.

 
 

…..”As someone said above, if you’re going to get into this, look for a partner.”

Hmmm, sounds like pretty good advice, but one has to wonder how you would broach the subject with a potential dive buddy???

I mean, let’s say you’re the preacher and spot a likely partner at the prayer service….what the fuck would you open with?
“Say pal, I notice you’re wearing a divers watch and…well this is going to take a minute or two to explain.”

Jeebus

 
 

Gary’s favourite toys in childhood: Gumby and Pokey.

Btw, that Klutzo clown guy looks like pure undiluted evil. I wouldn’t let him near any living thing.

 
 

But the Devil made him do it…incorrectly!

 
 

At least with the condom we know he was practicing safe sex.

 
 

Did he have to drive the dildo across state lines? Does this mean if condoms and dildos are outlawed,only assholes will have them?

 
 

[…] at Sadly, No!, one commenter (zsa) really hit the nail on the head for where I believe we are in the general […]

 
 

Matt T. Said: “Still, that seems like a helluva lot of work just to bust a nut. And it has got to eat up your evenings, man. Little lotion, some Kleenex, and a copy of the Sears catelouge, and you’ve got the rest of the night free for backgammon.”

Geez, I’m glad I’m not your lucky lady.

 
 

As for the condom, it was just so you don’t have to deal with a dirty dildo afterwards. We use condoms in play all the time, it’s pre-lubed and easy clean up. Use some common sense.

 
 

There’s no way this man could have tied himself up in this manner alone. Someone else had to have either helped him or forced him to be this way. That person left him either dead or to die. Whether an act of criminality or an accident of fetish, someone else was there and contributed to his death. How can these professionals believe he did this all himself? Someone else is responsible. Someone out there may cause this to happen again. They need to pursue it.

 
Ivory Bill Woodpecker
 

With apologies to the late, great Rick James:

He’s a very kinky Rev
The kind you don’t take home to Mother
And he will always let his trousers down
For a rubber fetish scene [oh boy]
He likes the masks and the gloves
He likes the dildo up his keister
If you find him he’ll be wearing two whole wet suits
And rubber underwear [oh yuck]

That Rev is pretty kinky
The Rev’s a super freak
The kind of Rev you read about
On sadlyno.com
That Rev is pretty wild now
The Rev’s a super freak
You sure don’t wanna meet him
He’ll really gross you out

He’s not right
He’s not right
That man is not right in the head
HEY HEY HEY

HE’S A SUPER FREAK, SUPER FREAK, HE’S SUPER FREAKY YOW
TEMPTATIONS SING [oh no oh no oh no oh no oh] 🙂

 
 

I think J nailed it. We really need to know more about the neoprene.

I flashed that it might have been the work of a desperate Jack O’neill, looking for
wetsuit endorsements, to lock up the xtian surfgroid market.

 
 

There’s no way this man could have tied himself up in this manner alone. Someone else had to have either helped him or forced him to be this way.

Duh. It was God.

 
preznit giv me turkee
 

So which plural is correct — dildos or dildi? This spell-checker doesn’t like either, and my Inner Pedant needs to know. Also, if you encounter a large number of them, is there a collective noun?

dildoes, my dear

and i believe the collective is “The Bush Administration”

 
 

Satan: Anyway, it’s not the concept of Hell that’s the problem, it’s you lot. You’re too prolific; you’re breeding faster, you’re sinning faster, you’re even dying faster. And you’re forever inventing more and more ingenuous ways of dying, I mean, first it was dynamite, then cigarettes, then it was feeding diseased sheep to cows, then flying with Aeroflot…

Professor: Well, we…

Satan: And have you heard the latest one? Get a load of this, right? In order to achieve the ultimate sexual experience, people have started strangling themselves. Just to try and make the earth move. And it does, usually, it gets shoveled on top of their coffin. All for one more orgasm.

Professor: Well, I think that’s rather sad.

Satan: Sad? It’s hilarious! Where’s your sense of humour? I mean there is every possibility that mankind will be the first species to masturbate itself into extinction. Now, you’re not going to tell me that isn’t funny!

Professor: Oh, but the poor people who do that sort of thing…

Satan: They’re not poor people who do that sort of thing, they’re rich bored people.

Professor: Well they’re disturbed, presumably.

Satan: Well a few of them are disturbed…the rest of them are just found in the morning.

From the radio series “Old Harry’s Game” written by and starring Andy Hamilton.

 
 

Night night
keep your butthole tight

HhaAHahAHahHAahHAhaahahhaha

 
 

[…] Christian style, and you’re gonna get it good, you morons- I may even chip in for the wetsuits and dildo for you special cases at Hit and Run. I can’t blame crazy people for being bat shit crazy, […]

 
 

[…] Christian style, and you’re gonna get it good, you morons- I may even chip in for the wetsuits and dildo for you special cases at Hit and Run. I can’t blame crazy people for being bat shit crazy, but I […]

 
 

I think J nailed it. We really need to know more about the neoprene.

 
 

waiting another news about this

 
 

[…] Basically, how long before this asshole goes the two wetsuit and a dildo route? […]

 
 

I’d like to know if the good Reverend had a copy of Pulp Fiction in his DVD Player.

“Wake up the Gimp.”

 
 

there was someone else present
the police record is sealed
the cops do know the truth
and a few people do know the truth because cops talk to other cops

God rest my friends soul

 
 

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