No More Mr. Nice Guy!
Today we have a special Sunday treat for all you faithful Sadly, No!sians — a “fairy” tale from Pat Boone. And I probably can note, without giving much away, that the villains of this cautionary “fairy” tale are the evil liberals and the heroes are . . . well, you know.
Once upon a time, in a land they called America, a little girl was born. This little girl was so very beautiful, so exceptional, that her loving parents named her Snow White. Truly, her lustrous black hair and limpid dark eyes were the perfect complement to her exquisite ivory skin.
I don’t know about you, but after reading this, I’m not going to be too surprised to see Pat Boone walking through the door in “To Catch a Predator.”
In her early childhood, her parents saw that she was taught all the important things – loving obedience, respect for others, politeness and ladylike behavior, and a childlike faith in God. … Then she met the Seven Dwarfs.
And you can bet your last pair of white bucks that these dwarfs aren’t going to be singing “Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It’s Off to Work We Go!” Nope. It’s “Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It’s Off to Gay Discos We Go!”
They always clustered together, bound by strange, liberal and sometimes seditious beliefs. Some of them were teachers and others members of what was called a “civil liberties union.” … Their names were Sneaky, Dopey, Smarmy, Angry, Sleazy, Grouchy and Dork.
Head, meet Hammer. Hammer, meet Head.
At this point, Pat’s grasp of narrative coherence gets a little tenuous. The Dwarfs go after Snow White’s school and make the teachers “imbibe” a “seductive potion” called the NEA:
Enticed by tempting promises of shorter hours, more money, lifelong tenure unrelated to performance in the classroom and even political clout as a huge voting bloc, the teachers allowed the NEA to drop very important things from the history books, to forbid absolutely any mention of God in the classroom or in essays, to promote all types of sexuality equally, even to grade-schoolers, to dictate that only evolution could be taught to explain the existence of the living world, and in general to erase any consideration of morality and American tradition.
Who knew? If we would just pay teachers less than the minimum wage and then fire ’em all all every couple of years, they would start holding prayer meetings during homeroom and stop teaching evolution. The consequences of all this evolution stuff in school, of course, were dire: Snow White went gay.
When she was barely into her teens, she began to experiment sexually, first with other kids and then with one of her grown teachers. Only later was it revealed that the teacher, a woman, was actually a wicked witch! … Snow White moved in with the wicked witch, eventually claiming to be her “wife.”
Then Prince Charming is seduced by the dwarfs, and, instead of saving Snow White, goes gay too. Then he contracts AIDS and commits suicide. This is not a witty, Sadly, No!esque riposte. It’s what Pat actually wrote.
Well, of course, once Snow White and Prince Charming have gone gay, the world is pretty much going to go al infierno en una cesta de la mano.1
America steadily fell behind other nations in all areas of learning, and eventually it hardly mattered if she was absorbed into something called a North American Union. This sad attempt to merge all the strengths and weaknesses of Mexico, the U.S. and Canada – became Northern Venezuela.
And there you have it — the true goal of the homosexual agenda is to make the United States a part of Venezuela. How have we all failed to see this?
_________
1Yes, I know that this is horrifyingly bad and unidiomatic Spanish and that not even President Bush would say this.
Jillian adds: I think we must be sharing a brain today, Clif – I saw this yesterday and knew that it was time to share some more love with Pat around these parts. I’m glad you got to it sooner, though, as your take is definitely funnier than mine.
Except I was going to add this:
I think you’re also nicer than I am.
Dude Pat Boone is GENUINELY INSANE. Who knew?
This is the best fairy tale ever. I bet Pat tells it to his kids every night.
Why did I click through? WHY?
Wow, Pat Boone is as great at writing as he is as singing!
Pat Boone has been a creepy perv for as long as I can remember, and that’s a pretty damn long time.
I’m still trying to figure out why Snow White’s lesbian affair with her teacher left her needing an abortion.
gay sex leads to butt babies, Jillian.
Wow. It’s hard to imagine anything less funky than Boone’s rendition of “Tutti Fruity,” but somehow, he managed to top it. Not even the promising idea of Snow White as a lesbian and Prince Charming in all-out gay dwarf orgies can save that narrative.
I resent the scurrilous inclusion of “dork” in the list of evil dwarves! How dare you, Mr Boone? Now it’s personal!
the teachers allowed the NEA to drop very important things from the history books
To what do you suppose he is referring?
Actually, by the way he phrases it, it seems like the drugs got her pregnant.
Wait. “Smarmy” is one of the evil dwarfs? I could have sworn that Smarmy was Pat Boone’s middle name.
Well, um I have nothing to add. There is just no snarky remark that can come even close to doing this man justice. Well I do have one.
“a childlike faith in God” So Pat is saying that Christians are completely ignorant, make irrational decisions, and just believe what ever anyone in authority tells them because they don’t know any better? Since when did he become an Islamo-fag-commu-athio-humanist? And why does he hate godly America so much much?
Does this mean Disney will use this brilliant script to make Snow White II: The Dorkening?
Mr. Boone’s descent into irrelevence just got quite a bit steeper.
I mean really, who other than fellow base-whackos would read this shit and not start backing away slowly?
“a childlike faith in God”
Yeah, is there any other kind?
Wait. Pat Boone’s still alive?
Huh.
WTF!?
I thought all the textbooks were written to please the Texas School Board. (And that was why they were crap)
in general to erase any consideration of morality
By “morality” read “sex”, of course.
Corporations ripping off investors, outsourcing of manufacturing to countries with a healthy disrespect for environmental and health regulations, neglect of the poor, contempt for minorities, torture, invasion, mass slaughter defended as “minor collateral damage”… none of those things have anything to do with “morality”, after all. It’s all about teh buttsecxs.
Clif, just because someone throws a hanging curve doesn’t mean it hits ITSELF out of the park.
Gay agenda = make U.S. part of Venezuela–that’s in the center field stands.
Touch ’em all, dude. (The bases. Not your gay boyfriends.)
http://www.myfuryfriend.com/fotos/bilder/evil_grin.jpg
http://www.metrocast.net/~nealos/sool/images/projector.jpg
What’s the difference between Smarmy and Sleazy? Or between Grouchy and Angry? Come on, Pat, you’re not even trying – surely you can think of seven liberal stereotypes to add an “-y” to without having to use two of ’em twice …
That’s truly sublime drivel.
My only suggestion to Boone would be to make the kink more graphic… perhaps some Japanese-style b&d action is in order here. Pat’s into leather; he should be able to come up with something.
I knew Pat Boone had gone over the edge when he actually went out in public in his way gay orange jacket.
I, for one, welcome our new, gay, Venezuelan overlords.
“I, para uno, da la bienvenida a nuestros overlords nuevos, maricones, venezolanos.”
or something like that …
Are those campaign ribbons on his chest? He looks like the commanding general of the Legion of Polyester.
Is “all dwarves are evil” part of the message, or just a coincidence of the metaphor?
Next week Pat Boone returns to the recording studio to create his cover of Randy Newman’s “Short People”.
Much as he did with his soulful interpretations of 50s R & B classics, Pat Boone nails it with respect to the Seven Dwarves running for the Democrat nomination: Sneaky = Hitlery, Dopey = Richardson, Smarmy = Obama, Angry = Gravel, Sleazy = Biden, Grouchy = Gravel, and Dork = Kucinich.
That is so fake Gary…
Since Pat called it a fairy tale, none of it could ever actually happen, right?
On behalf of liberals, Thanks, Pat!
I do like the ‘trial balloon’ being sent up by Pat;
NEA => homosexual recruitment
I’ll bet we see some other wingnuts taking this dog for a walk soon.
Maybe so, but describing Boone’s old covers as “soulful interpretations of 50s R & B classics” is high-grade snark, whether it’s intentional or not.
This sad attempt to merge all the strengths and weaknesses of Mexico, the U.S. and Canada – became Northern Venezuela.
This is awesome. And if we combine this strand of paranoia with another, we get the U.S. subsumed by the Islamic Bolivarian Republic of Venezuela.
Strangely, Pat’s website doe NOT sell “In a Metal Mood.”
http://www.patsgold.com/
And why is it always Venezuela these people threaten us with? These guys hate or at least hold in contempt pretty much every country on earth with the exception of a few right wing dictatorships. Why not Sweden for once?
zsa: According to Babelfish, you want to say: I, para uno, dan la bienvenida a nuestros overlords nuevos, alegres, venezolanos.
Why not Sweden for once?
Cuz thisis the Swedish to them?
Venezuela has brown people and oil and a leader who doesn’t bow down to America. It’s a wingnut’s dream come true.
Top that, Anita Bryant, you stupid cunt.
Pat’s always been a goofy wingnut but he now seems to be completely off the rails of the old crazy train.
Hey, maybe he could cover that Ozzie classic if he decides to make a Metal Mood Dos!
OT, but an incident related to that song made me suspect that there might be a god after all. The other day on a stormy afternoon, my downstairs neighbor was blasting “Crazy Train” at deafening volumes, and singing aloud like he was trying out for Ozzie! The Broadway Musical! At the very point where he was embarking on the “I knoooow that things are going wrong for me!” line, teh lightning crashed and the power went out. My son and I both let out a completely spontaneous “All right!” which is not the usual reaction to a power outage. I think he got the hint. I haven’t heard any earsplitting Ozzie karaoke since. /OT.
Nelson Mandela called.
He says he’s not dead.
Then he said: “Pat Boone is a double douchebag.”
Then Fred Thompson called.
I asked him about the Jena 6. He thought it was a really bad movie with Bill Cosby.
Then Mitt Romney called.
He was mad that people were picking on that nice Mr. Boone.
Did Pat use MadLibs to write this?
Wow, I want to be a dwarf so I can have the kinky ghey secks with Prince Charming. Hot.
There were drugs right outside my principle’s office? The whole time? God damn it, how did I miss that?
To what do you suppose he is referring?
My guess is he’s referring to the “fact” that America was founded as a “Christian nation”–by Christians, for Christians. That’s a popular wingnut “known truth” with the similarly known-truth corollary that the evil librul edumacashun agenda suppresses this fact as part of its Mandatory Gay Abortions for All agenda.
Holy crap, that whole piece is demented, though. Not quite Flock of Seagulls demented, but demented nonetheless.
Dan, I think “alegres” means “happy”. And Happy is not one of the seven dwarves, although he may well be one of the Village People.
Maybe one of our soon-to-be overlords is en la casa and can ayudame con el Espanol?
Ok. Look, I understand the strategy of demonizing your chosen enemy. But these idiots are going to have to narrow it down. Decide who you want to demonize, and focus on them. Here we have gays, mexicans, dwarves, liberals, teachers, arabs, persians, chinese and women.
If you’re going to convince me to start hating certain groups, you’ve got to figure out how to let me focus on one, or maybe two. Any more than that, and my hatred’s gonna be so watered down that I won’t want to kill them all. Maybe just steal their bicycles. I just don’t have that much hatred in inventory at one time…
mikey
In considering root causes and deleterious effects, electing an idiot tin Hitler and giving him limitless power to ignore the Constitution, the rule of law, and international treaties at will, and allowing him to bankrupt us and weaken us militarily by attacking multiple countries on the flimsiest of pretexts PALES in comparison to the POWER OF THE GAY. If only righties had thought to offer a toaster to converts!
Wait. Did anyone ask the Wingnut Outrage Corporation if it is ok for us to make fun of Pat Boone? I just want to be in compliance, is all.
I’m waiting for the part in Boone’s story where the spaceship comes and whisks them all away to a new world in the sky.
I gots nothing to add (that would be better than what you folks have already posted) so I’m just gonna blogpimp Tbogg’s latest.
Bury My Heart At Wounded Feelings
The oldest soldier, a woman and a doctor, was 32 years old.
He’s not General Betrayus. He’s General Outlivedus.
posted by tbogg at 11:08 PM
dude, i was going to write to confess my secret love for “holy diver” in all its forms, but then he had to add the creepy psalm in at the end (full disclosure: i generally appreciate psalm 23 in more appropriate contexts).
also, zsa, great start, but if you really want to appeal to our new overlords venezolanos, homosexual (oh-mo-secks-wall, más o menos) is a much better word than maricón, which is actually kind of a nasty thing to say.
PAT BOONE MUST SEE!!!!!!
I’m confused — what is with the paranoia these wingnuts have about teh ghay? Most heterosexuals are not one seduction away from living a hedonistic gay lifestyle, no matter how much hawt sex it involves (how come the gay people I know don’t live the life that right wingers think, or maybe better, fantasize, gay people lead?) — but the sexuality of the wingers seems, well, pretty precarious.
BTW … until the right becomes more explicit about what they mean when they refer to wanting to return to “American traditions”, I think we all should just assume (and state so) that they want to bring back slavery and sweat-shops. Have them explain what they mean (it might not be slavery, sharecropping and sweat-shops, but it’ll still be something politically more unpopular than “God, mother and apple-pie” … btw … doesn’t the degree to which public invocations of God become, by necessity even in an entirely Christian environment, so rote and bland, indicate that such invocations are vain invocations against the so-called 10 commandments? why does Pat Boone hate the 10 commandments?) … and have them suffer the political consequences for explaining it. They want to change our society’s momentum — they should have to justify it!
They just can’t do that. They’re like kids in a candy store. They just gotta sample every sweet, juicy variety of bigotry that this old world has to offer.
So much to hate, so little time.
Oh, my sweet Lordy-Gordy. That sounds like the script to a Jack Chick tract. I knew Boone was wingnutty but…this is jaw-droppingly, batshit insane.
Y’know, his daughter is married to George Clooney’s cousin. So there’s a chance little Debby’s not quite as crazy. If she is, I hope her in-laws stage an intervention.
And Happy is not one of the seven dwarves, although he may well be one of the Village People.
I’m disappointed in you, zsa. To wit: Doc, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy, Bashful, and Dopey. Hey, somebody’s gotta keep an eye on the important stuff while mikey’s out stealing bikes from gay Persian teacher-dwarves.
holy diver..oh dear…the longest 4 1/2 minutes of my life…
Oh boy! Story time! I wanna play! Let’s see…
Once upon a time, in a land they called America, a little girl was born. This little girl was so very beautiful, so exceptional, that her loving parents named her Snow White. Truly, her lustrous black hair and limpid dark eyes were the perfect complement to her exquisite ivory skin.
Then, once day, when she was seven, her Dad took her to a Purity Ball to pledge her virginity and over-all sexuality to her father’s care until the day that he allowed that control over her to her new husband. You see, her conservative, Christian family thought that the 1500’s REALLY had some good ideas going on there. They also drank water straight from the gutter and shitted in a bucket in the corner, because they were traditional like that, and didn’t need any of the liberal, government-mandated “sanitation” bullcrap. If our own wastes was so bad for us, why would the Lord God make us do it?
THEN THEY ALL DIED FORM THE PLAGUE! THE END!
“Here we have gays, mexicans, dwarves, liberals, teachers, arabs, persians, chinese and women. […] I just don’t have that much hatred in inventory at one time…”
Um, that’s why you’re not a wingnut, Mikey. You suffer from a disqualifying condition, the inability to hate absolutely everyone who is not identical to yourself. Wingnuts don’t have this problem. Their disabilities run more towards logic, reason, facts, grammar, vocabulary, physical courage, etc.
“Then, once day, when she was seven, her Dad took her to a Purity Ball to pledge her virginity and over-all sexuality to her father’s care until the day that he allowed that control over her to her new husband.”
Thus, the first post-pubescent moment she was out of their sight, she ran through the local adolescent male population like a kid through a candy store, thus keeping the red-state rates of STDs, teenage pregnancy, etc. higher than their blue-state counterparts. If only that story was a fairy tale, but S,N!
Candy,
Pat Boone did cover “Crazy Train” on that horrible, horrible record. That was actually one of the first albums I was assigned to review when I started in the music journalism business, lo these many years hence. I don’t remember what I wrote, apart from if Pat Boone is for real and actually likes these songs, he should be ashamed for doing such a shitty job of covering. If he’s just taking the piss and trying to make a buck, he should be ashamed for being such a lousy person and giving white people a bad name for 40-plus years.
And don’t forget that pat is responsible for debbie and one of the most unfortunate cultural mishaps of the my teen years: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0076941/quotes
First: in the pic Pat looks a lot like Ardath Bey.
Second of all, I teach seventh grade social studies, and all we do all year is teach about God: two chapters about Islam; two about the Middle Ages; one about the Reformation; discussion of animistic religions in one of the chapters about Africa.
Et cetera.
What world are these people living on? It’s a whole freakin’ year of religious studies.
Decide who you want to demonize, and focus on them. Here we have gays, mexicans, dwarves, liberals, teachers, arabs, persians, chinese and women.
No, no. See, you’re already way too nuanced, mikey. The Wingnut taxonomy offers two choices, people-wise: Good (exactly like Pat Boone) and Evil (everyone else). Any attempt to further differentiate among the secular gay Sharia-loving Mexopotamians is only evidence that you have opened your mind to Satan’s Lies.
Apologies, Sarah, all my Spanish is derived from drinking with Nicaraguans and Cubans.
Smilin’ Mort, Happy is one of the seven? Are those the dwarves who got the rings of power and wielded them in their halls of stone? Thorin, Thrain, Gimlet, Happy … I forget the rest. I’m pretty sure they dressed like the Village People, though. Seven dwarves with axes and long flowing beards, dressed like a policeman, an Indian, a construction worker, a cowboy, and whatever else, all doing that YMCA song. And Pat Boone was there too in his leather vest.
No, no, Doc, see, you’re not teaching them exclusively the Bible and nothing else. In fact you’re even teaching them TEH ISLAM, which makes you HITLER.
Decide who you want to demonize, and focus on them.
I’m sick and tired of using some demon metaphor when we could be concentrating on actual demons. Azazel’s been knocking over the trash cans in the alley and everyone blames homos and communists. Lilith’s been leaving cigarette butts all over the place and who gets the blame? Mexicans.
Stop the demons already!
I think he stole his plotline from Donald Barthelme
Where were all these NUTS hiding out before Bush was declared king?
There seems to be a regular epidemic of stupidity running amok in your fair land at the moment. My condolences.
mikey – I think I want you to have my babies.
I saw Sneezy stumbling home drunk the other night. He looked like shit. It’s been rough for him since he was kicked out of the dwarves.
Where were all these NUTS hiding out before Bush was declared king?
It’s kind of a golden age for psychoseptic toads now, isn’t it.
And Pat Boone was there too in his leather vest.
I had that nightmare once. I don’t wanna talk about it.
I can sorta picture Pat Boone making really good bad porn with David Hasselhoff.
Matt T.: Good grief, I can’t believe he would cover Crazy Train. I would think he’d think anything by O.O. was the divil’s music. I’m stunned.
I’ve never had the misfortune of having to hear any of those covers. I’m very sorry for your suffering, not only to have to listen, but to write about it. Talk about salt in the wounds. I’ll bet it took a long time to cleanse the ol’ palate.
How did Pat become blind in his right eye?
How did Pat become blind in his right eye?
He went looking in the wrong box.
No, no, Doc, see, you’re not teaching them exclusively the Bible and nothing else.
Ah, but see, once they’ve accomplished that, then it’s time to fight over which exact Bible is the Right One. It can’t be the Catholic one. Or the Methodist one. The Presbyterian one isn’t condeming enough. The circle of Those Who Are Right tightens with each attainment of what they way.
Bubba, that is freakin’ priceless.
OK, alright, so maybe one time I stuffed my nutsack and pecker through a hole in a cardboard box, and somebody snapped a picture.
I found teh Lord right after that, and He forgave me. In this world, that’s the only thing that matters. No matter what you do, if you ask, teh Lord will forgive you and everything will be hunky-dory.
And Anita Bryant is still a stupid cunt.
If only righties had thought to offer a toaster to converts!
So true. It was the free toaster that made me bi. If they’d offered a waffle iron, I’d have gone all the way gay.
Sidhe, we’re too easy. I let them have their way with me for fucking costume jewelery
mikey
This might outgay the orange jacket (though I notice the orange jacket is paired with a pastel pink shirt so maybe not).
um…
Bumper sticker seen in the county where I live: If It Ain’t King James, It Ain’t Bible!
mikey, I’ve been easy for decades. It’s way more fun than the alternatives.
Also: mikey, Jillian, Lesley, the rest of you, I love you all but I will not wade through trolls for further witticisms and sane arguments from you. Sorry, I just can’t. Those people are nuts. So I’ll say it here: You are all consistently honorable people I am grateful to know. But arguing with the trolls is a lost cause, so I hope you’re at least having fun.
And Herr Doktor, are you ill? I hope you feel better soon…
Yes, Pat Boone is still alive. Hasn’t any one else seen the late night advert he’s been doing for one of those “buy gold” scams? Actually, the one I’ve seen recently has a red background.
And World O’ Crap on The Cross and The Switchblade.
I can’t believe Pat Boone is writing amateur porn on the internets. [ff, mmmmmmm, magic, fantasy, reluctant]
I mean, this is too hot.
And if we combine this strand of paranoia with another, we get the U.S. subsumed by the Islamic Bolivarian Republic of Venezuela.
Little known fact: Hugo “Osama” Chavez is actually a lesbian dwarf.
If only righties had thought to offer a toaster to converts!
I tried offering a dead mouse to the White Monolith in the Kitchen, but this does not seem to be the way to make it open.
And Herr Doktor, are you ill?
Nothing that a glass of akvavit will not cure. Thanks for asking. Any sneezing and grouching in the previous thread was the result of an allergy to genocidal rhetoric.
Mehitabel the Abyssinian said,
“I tried offering a dead mouse to the White Monolith in the Kitchen, but this does not seem to be the way to make it open.”
My scientists tell me that there maybe be some trick to appeasing it, possibly involving long naps while affixed atop it.
Most heterosexuals are not one seduction away from living a hedonistic gay lifestyle,
Ehhh – how good a seduction are we talking about? Will it involve cheesecake?
zsa, no problem. we all need to stick together, we gays, mexicans, dwarves, liberals, teachers, arabs, persians, chinese and women and friends, so that we can be listos for the overlords. (and overladies. dang, why is the female form so much less scary-sounding?)
“Instilling in children a childlike faith in Santa Claus Teh Easter Bunny Tooth Fairy Bush Junior Judeo-Christian God.” Yes, that’ll solve the world’s problems.
How many WMD in Iraq, Pat?
“Instilling in children a childlike faith in
Santa Claus Easter Bunny Tooth Fairy Bush Jr.the Judeo-Christian God. Yes, that’ll solve the world’s problems.How many WMD in Iraq, Pat?
I always figured Chavez for a swish. Thanks, Pat!
Does it make me a bad person that Pat’s story was getting me hot?
Especially the teacher – Snow White thing.
I thought so. Well, I yam what I yam.
Well, Nut O’ Klein, you weren’t the one writing slash fic about Snow White getting down dirty with the Evil Queen, now were you? If you feel the need to buy or manufacture some sort of cartoon-inspired blowup doll, however, then you are a filthy old bastard and you need to keep the hell away from America’s children.
Because the last thing that America’s children need to hear from anyone is that sex is fun, creative, natural, or bursting with colorful animated possibilities. They need to be scared shitless about how vile and wicked arousal is, so that when they go through puberty they will be sure to repress every naughty little thought until it all burst forth in some unanticipated new perversion. Prudery is the prism of American culture and it fractures us into a beautiful rainbow of warped fetishes. Like… Snow White and her Evil Queen/ teacher, or “Christian Spanking” or the whole “no female orgasms” game that the Victorians were so keen on.
Personally I was more tingly over the seven dwarves / Prince Charming gang bang, but then I”m a faggot.
Sadly C,
You lifted that whole middle paragraph from the Republican platform, didn’t you?
“A beautiful rainbow of warped fetishes.” I’d bet on that as a business model.
Um, is this where I can order a Blondie Blow-Up doll?
mikey
Glad to hear you’re not actually sick, Herr Doktor.
And PiaToR, it would involve cheesecake if I were doing it, but I think that would render the whole effort largely pointless.
Damn – I thought that pic was Rob Halford for a minute.
And PiaToR, it would involve cheesecake if I were doing it, but I think that would render the whole effort largely pointless.
I hear that in parts of the Bible Belt, cheesecake is banned as being too close to oral sex…
Awww, cut the poor bastard a break, whydoancha?
You do realize that Pat Boone still has to Live this down, when he turned his back on good, wholesome music to embrace Da T00nz Ub De Dibble, to throw off his White, Christian, Hetero, Traditional image and give legitimacy to Satan worshippers like Ozzy &c? Consider it part of his pennance to “the Base”.
Purity Balls:
Eyes cannot be limpid and dark at the same time, Pat. PAT YOU ARE WRONG.