And Another Thing About Liberals: They’re Always Leaving The Damned Toilet Seat Up!
If you haven’t seen the video of Miss Teen USA South Carolina Lauren Caitlin Upton trying to answer why most Americans can’t read maps yet, you really should. It’s quite possibly the most shockingly idiotic thing I’ve watched since the last time I saw Bush on TV:
Now, there’s a very simple explanation for why most Americans can’t read maps: because we’re a stupid nation full of stupid people with a stupid popular culture.*
How can we test this thesis? Well, we can watch poor Ms. Upton’s video over and over again. Or we can read Paul from Wizbang Blog, who blames Ms. Upton’s stupidity on… (wait for it!)… LIBBRULS!!!
At the risk of taking something utterly mindless and irrelevant way too seriously, I felt the need to revisit the case of Miss Teen USA South Carolina Lauren Caitlin Upton who had what will probably go down in history as the most extreme blonde moment in history.
In a way, she’s a victim. Any fair look at her answer shows she got mired in liberal taking points.
Pageant questions for the last 30 years are just fluff designed to extract from the young girl her liberal qualifications. So young girls practice spouting liberal buzz phrases, no matter the question.– Because looking good isn’t enough to win a beauty parent, you must have the proper liberal credentials, or there’s no sparkly tiara for you!
First we came for the public schools… then we got hold of the entire media… then we took over the CIA, the State Department, the Justice Department and every piece of the federal government that hasn’t been overrun by Bush cronies for the past seven years… and now, in our most dastardly plot yet, LIE-berals have conspired to subvert America’s teen beauty parents pageants. Yes, once we get a bunch of beautiful-but-not-so-bright young women to spout our talking points, we will have all the pieces in place to legalize gay marriage and impose Sharia law!
Remember the questions was, why couldn’t one-fifth of Americans locate our country on a world map. Let’s break down her answer:
I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps
Everybody is a victim. The first rule of being a good liberal is to find a way to say these hapless morons who can’t find the U.S. on a map aren’t really morons, they are victims… Victims of the map deficit. The map deficit grew under Reagan, got better under Clinton but has exploded under George Bush. “We should have a program” so everyone can get a map.
And those who do not accept our government-mandated maps will be sent off to our new gulags in Alaska, where they’ll be put to work as slave laborers for Ted Stevens’ pork barrel projects.
…and, uh, I believe that our education like such as in South Africa
And this is where her coaching really kicked in. Mention the poor people of South Africa. No matter the question, South Africa MUST be in the stock pageant answer.
Which is funny, because South Africa is a lot better off than most countries in Africa. Like, say, Sierra Leone.
…and, uh, the Iraq
and what good is a good liberal answer without the word Iraq in it?
Well, we did kinda sorta invade it for no reason and, uh, blow it up and whatnot…
…everywhere like, such as and I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S.
(pageantbot) Education, must speak about education…. OK in fairness, education really should be part of a reasonable answer but by this point, she can’t even tell you the question, she’s just trying to hit the liberal talking points.
…should help
EVERY pageant answer is required to have a call for someone being helped. Because we all know this “help” is a liberal codeword meaning tax increases and income redistribution.
Apparently, it’s not cool to “help” people in Conservative Talking Points Land.
…the U.S., er, should help South Africa
Of course we should honey. You’ve been practicing that line for a year, it was going to come out no matter the question.
…and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries
Because being a good liberal means we care about all the dark people.
And being a good conservative means… what, hating on the darkies? Wait, don’t answer.
…so we will be able to build up our future for our children.
Because it takes a village to raise a moron.
Her coaching did her in. She was told no matter the question, mention victims, Iraq, South Africa and education. In her zeal to prove herself liberal enough to wear the Miss Teen USA sash and crown, she made a fool of herself. Not unlike other liberals just this time it was more obvious.
So wait. I thought being the most “liberal” (which Paul ironically seems to equate with being inarticulate and ignorant) contestant was a guarantee for success in the new-school LIE-brul Miss Teen USA beauty pageants. Are we LIE-bruls so gobshite dumb-diddy-dumb that we’ve already effed up our own conspiracy?
Well, you’ve got us, Pauly Walnuts. And I’d expect no less from such a brilliant mind who is so well-versed in Creation Science.
[Thanks to Mantis for the tip.]
*UPDATE: Some people have pointed out that I screwed up when I said that a majority of Americans can’t read maps. I believe this only strengthens the original point.
Wait.
She’s a victim of liberals, who teach that everyone is a victim?
What exactly do wingnut editors get paid to do? Not edit.
Christ on his throne. Liberal talking points?
Didn’t I hear her mention “Osama” at some point?
most Americans can’t read maps yet
The question asked asserted “a fifth of Americans”.
The question should have read like this:
“One-fifth of Americans are dumbshits like you who can’t even find their own country on a fucking map. Why are we such a nation of dumbasses? Is it all the homeschooling?”
Holy….fuck….
1.) “Helping Iraq” falls into the liberal buzz-phrase category now? Read the news, Pauly, you stupid bastard–we LIEberals are ready to pack up and leave those fuckers in the lurch. Through “helping,” thanks very much. “Helping” them was your thing.
2.) I’m gratified to know that winguts still have a chip on their shoulders about the left’s temerity in opposing South African apartheid. For my part, I’m still riled up about school busing and…uh…stagflation or something.
3.) Librulz arr dum. So…dum arr librulz? Yah, dum arr librulz, is good conclusion.
4.) Now that we know Soros, Kos & Michael Moore control all beauty pageants, we need to do a better job of using them to spread our talking points. Let’s see if we can get them talking about burning churches and replacing the bald eagle with the Piss Christ on all national memorabilia.
Wait till he finds out NASCAR events often require drivers to make left turns.
I’m curious about something. Because I am a normal human with more than 4 brain cells, I have never watched a beauty pageant in my life. Did they used to be different? Did the contestants used to mindlessly talk about something other than education and helping the unfortunate?
My guess is no. My guess is that Paul, true to wingnut form, has created a fantasy past in which beauty pageant contestants responded to all questions by endorsing supply-side economics and encouraging the CIA to assassinate Castro.
Because it’s a librul code word when you say, “the Iraq,” rather than just “Iraq.”
e.g., “Here in the Iraq, I, Scott Beauchamp was changing a tire….”
The comments over there are wonderful/insanity causing. People are actually claiming the Q&A portion of beauty contests are liberal litmus tests.
I actually pity the one person who decided to bring up the fact liberals tend not to be fans of beauty contests.
This is the collapse of western civilization, isn’t it?
Of course, she is from the Liberaltopia of South Carolina. It is well known that South Carolina is full of Ted Kennedy-lovin’, watercress sandwich eatin’, homo nup, Islamofascist Liberals.
My only question: why didn’t she mention the Panama Canal giveaway?
i love it.
his analysis is almost as incoherent as his subject.
Because it’s a librul code word when you say, “the Iraq,” rather than just “Iraq.”
e.g., “Here in the Iraq, I, Scott Beauchamp was changing a tire….”
OK, that’s some funny shit right there.
Hmmm…out of her stream of gibberish he got
-historical context
-social agenda
-racial agenda
-foreign policy
as well as some liberal plot to influence fucking beauty pagents.
No wonder these nuts love Bush. He speaks their “language”.
The awesome thing is that, if I interpret him correctly, he wishes she had responded, “One-fifth of Americans are stupid fuckers. I offer no solutions. Next question.”
After watching this poor victim of Teh Liberals in the Swimsuit Competition, I volunteer to wean her poor talking-point-addled brain off the Liberal Poison infecting her….mind aqnd bring her back to True Godly Americanism.
At night.
In my room.
With some candles.
And a good Shiraz.
Maybe a spliff or two.
And either Sinatra, The Best of Bread, or Side 1 of Led Zeppelin 2 on the iHome.
Led Zeppelin IV, rather.
Well, at least poor Miss South Carolina now has someone to replace her as this weeks stupidest person in the world. I knew her reign would not last that long, especially since John Cornyn tried so hard to reassert (sp?) his claim to the crown yesterday.
Come on, people. She’s a kid. Lay off.
The douchebag at Wizbang, on the other hand, is presumably an adult.
Because it’s really the perfect opportunity to share. Some geography comments from my students in the recent past:
Geography is not [National Geographic’s] strong point…
Two major destinations for emigrants from South Asia would have to be North America and the United Nations.
[Or those other weirdo countries…]
…Danka, Nupaul.
[That eternal conflict:]
Muslims vs. Islams
The Roman Roads were created in Greece.
Polynesian war of the greeks
Romans fought the Prussian War.
Basically WWI was Germany and Albania against the allies.
The USSR was formed after the French Revolution in 1917…
The Cold war was driven by … a geological rivalry.
[Down with Commie tectonicist scum!]
India’s decolonization led to the creation of 2 independent identities, Israeli and Pakistan.
The Dutch controlled the Belgian Congo.
Israel annexed the Golem heights in 1967.
Nelson Mandela advocated violence in South America.
The black African-Americans of South Africa banded together to fight apartheid.
The natives of South America, Africans…
Today, there are 189 countries in NATO.
Yes, the United State was not the lone super power.
It will also help in the long run on a more geographical basis as I will be going to teacher somewhere in the united states or outside the united states to children and this experience will help me gain knowledge.
These are college students, not the callow lady of the pageant….
And either Sinatra, The Best of Bread, or Side 1 of Led Zeppelin 2 on the iHome.
I think like such as your music is such as like for old people and I believe we should help to such as put some Pussycat Dolls on so I can dance on your counter like the girls in Coyote Ugly.
Half-naked teen pagent girlies? Sounds like some yucky, naughty liberal conspiracy to me.
The Leftist Agenda firmly supports not permitting a map gap in order to promote nefarious ends like … helping people, many of whom happen to be people of color in historically repressed parts of the world.
Our first move in advancing the map agenda is infiltrating this beauty contest, and manipulate the least coherent honey of the lot.
Next week we will be well on our way to forced abortions, gay marriages, and the elimitation of the Detroit Tigers. Ok, that last one is pretty much specific to my personal agenda.
To be fair, I can’t read maps, either, but it’s a lifestyle choice. My dad was a cartographer, and well, let’s just say I didn’t want to be anything like him ever. Still, I can find most countries in two tries or less. But I attended a public school.
Actually, Paul, she said she was “overwhelmed” and “heard about one or two words of the actual question”. And by the way, what did you do this summer?
and now, in our most dastardly plot yet, LIE-berals have conspired to subvert America’s teen beauty parents pageants.
They’ve already gotten to Assrocket. WHO WILL BE NEXT?
Oh fer crissakes. Hey Paul, you ever actually, like go out to a thing, a street fair, santana row, music in the park, something like that and actually TALK to twenty year olds? This particular young lady is not significantly less coherent than any of her peers, and, major points in her favor, she does not mumble.
Think about it. If your entire input consists of HipityHop music, spiderman movies and reality tv shows, your ability to communicate effectively in something other than slurred half-phrases is going to be severely hampered. I guess you could say that you talk like you text.
There is a critical skill, one that must be mastered before a person can learn to speak in well-formed sentences that form themselves logically into paragraphs that effectively communicate a coherent message. That skill is called “reading”. Ask her or any of their friends the last book they read, and they’ll look at your with that odd, head-tilted confusion, as if trying to decipher something you just said in Cantonese. “But — Why would I read a book?” would be the best answer.
Its kind of funny. I was going to have lunch with a friend today, and he emailed me to reschedule for tomorrow. In his email he included a link to this piece of video. When I responded, I included a crack about “Larry Craig’s Wide Stance”. He had NO idea what I was talking about. I said, “y’know, if you are to that extent unaware of the things going on the the world, you really don’t have much room to comment on the girl in the video”. His response was typical – “I just don’t have time to read”….
mikey
Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum.
Can’t touch this.
she got mired in liberal taking points
Librools are all take and no give!
He means, of course, talking points. Pray tell what would these be?
“World peace” is the usual beauty pageant answer. If that’s a liberal talking point I’m certainly ok with it. Who wouldn’t be for world peace? Oh right, Republicans! Like your dear leader who is even less articulate than blondie. An inarticulate fumbling bumbling uninformed IDIOT who’s mistakes kill, maim, and ruin. Republicans long for a post-apocalyptic map, one that preserves only the United States.
I’ll give blondie one thing. She can admit her mistakes and she’s relatively harmless.
whose, damnit, whose.
(I have blonde streaks!)
And for those who want to define Upton based on 40 seconds of YouTube video:
From Werner Wögerbauer’s 1986 interview with Thomas Bernhard.
Lorem ipsum
Aha! Dummy text!
To my shame (not really, I’m shameless), I’m very knowledgeable about the last 20 years or so of the American pageant scene. Although it is run from stem to stern by various middle-aged homosexual men, it does not tolerate deviance from Middle American happy talk and goodliness when it comes to the question-and-answer portion. This is both in order to keep the audience of parents, friends and eventually sponsors from getting riled, and to provide a delightful frisson of retro-Barbie camp. Unless being helpful, friendly and upbeat are solely liberal virtues now, and hey, I say let’s take ’em, this is the silliest witch hunt I’ve seen in a bit of a while. Also, poor Miss Teen North Carolina, she clearly got stuck in a word salad K-hole, bless her heart. At least she’s taking her mockery with good grace.
I once approved the wrong proof and had ten thousand tabloid brochures for a medical device company printed with the placeholder text.
I had me some serious ‘splainin to do…
mikey
Ric: When it comes down to making out, whenever possible, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.
Poor Miss Teen North Carolina, she clearly got stuck in a word salad K-hole, bless her heart.
Um, that’s Miss Teen South Carolina. As in “South Carolina: making North Carolina feel better about itself since the 1700s.”
And the idea that Miss Teen South frigging Carolina is winning a beauty pageant by rattling off liberal talking points — let me break in and say, beauty pageants, as in ‘what Assrocket calls “making love”‘ — is so fucked in the head, it’s beyond parody.
“World peace” is the usual beauty pageant answer. If that’s a liberal talking point I’m certainly ok with it.
Also: the children, helping thereof. Another diabolical librul mantra.
the question must be asked:
is our children learning?
Zep as makeout music? That seems, well, kinda weird. I just put on the comcast reggae channel and am good to go…
mikey
And the idea that Miss Teen South frigging Carolina is winning a beauty pageant by rattling off liberal talking points
Ahem, ahem — she didn’t even win the damned thing. I believe she came in third.
The was third runner-up, the nicest way to say fourth.
“She.” Oh well. As she says, “Everybody makes a mistake.”
Mikey: gee thanks, I just started a new job this week, teaching US history to college freshman and you’ve put a harsh on my good buzz!!
Led Zep or reggae for makeout music? It just might work. This Mitch Miller album isn’t working out as well as I’d hope.
Ahem, ahem — she didn’t even win the damned thing. I believe she came in third.
Ah, I meant ‘winning’ in the loose subjunctive sense of ‘going to win’, but anyway.
“Of course, she is from the Liberaltopia of South Carolina. It is well known that South Carolina is full of Ted Kennedy-lovin’, watercress sandwich eatin’, homo nup, Islamofascist Liberals.”
Exactly. The ironic thing about this screed is that deeply uninformed people like the poor little creature who got this started are precisely the people that the Right depends on to stay in power, a la Britney Spears in F911.
I cannot find any fault in the anwer of Miss Upton. I particularly liked the way she ended it, with arms akimbo and a gentle sway of her hips. Perhaps it helps that my sound is off.
About geographical mistakes: a girl I know, in a graduate school in an engineering department got a roommate from Germany, a political science student. Not to look overly dumb, she crammed a bit and tested it on me: do I know that New Zealand has the largest Muslim population in the world? I advised her to re-check it and after googling for 1 minute she found out that New Zealand has ca. 40k Muslim, at which point she conceded that this cannot be the World record. But think about it: a large island nation next to Australia — what is it?
Woodrowfan,
I pay my bills by teaching Intro to U.S. History at a big state school and believe me, you are in for a treat. It’s not that they’re dumb though. Most just don’t care. I still haven’t decided if that makes me feel better or worse.
Now, I thought as libruls we were supposed to be DOWN on beauty pageants; you know, objectifying women, constrained roles, etc. all that bad stuff.
But NOW I learn we’re using pageants to spread our talking points?
OK, First of all, can someone start sending me the memos? I’m way behind here.
Second, isn’t that… well, what’s the word here….. stupid?
But otherwise, yeah. Peace, love, brotherhood, healing the sick and helping the children….I’m also OK with those as Liberal goals. We’ll take ’em, and leave the death, destruction,etc – basically the Four Horsemen here- to the Mighty Bedwetters of the Right.
Led Zep or reggae for makeout music? It just might work. This Mitch Miller album isn’t working out as well as I’d hope.
Try the Shatner.
Piotr: It’s a European-settled chain of Pacific islands with a prominent indigenous culture, but that’s not important right now.
Think about it. If your entire input consists of HipityHop music, spiderman movies and reality tv shows, your ability to communicate effectively in something other than slurred half-phrases is going to be severely hampered. I guess you could say that you talk like you text
At the risk of sounding like one of those “get off my lawn, you damn kids” types, I’ve grown to loathe a single word with all the fire of all the suns in this universe and the ten or eleven others that exist:
Whatever.
[Monty Python voice] Hanging’s too good for the likes of them.
I have a natural advantage when it comes to maps: my shower curtain is a plastic map of the world. While scrubbing my boys, I’ll study the African continent and try to memorize where the Ivory Coast is.
Zep as makeout music? That seems, well, kinda weird
Mikey, I’ll have you know that Battle of Evermore was renowned down under as a track that could open any legs.
Billy Pilgrim: Shatner?!? Jeebus, you’re aiming for a very select target audience there.
Oh, and your name still gives me shivers. But then, my reading would probably have disqualified me from coming within 5 miles of a beauty pageant. That and the fact that I’m not blonde. And not stupid/vapid/vacuous/ignorant/compliant. And very, very opinionated.
And also not getting the memos. Jeez, whoever’s in charge of this librul conspiracy thing to take over ze vorld really sucks at implementation.
Can you tell I’ve not had my breakfast yet?
my shower curtain is a plastic map of the world
This is precisely how I learned to locate the clitoris…
mikey
Henry, that’s a bloody neat idea. I’m all in favour of improving education via the use of shower curtains. And toilet paper: the rolls could be printed with all manner of informative snippets, so you could learn as you sit (in the wide stance, naturellement).
Maybe a toilet bowl with a world map printed inside the bowl, for the teen set to study as they yunt after a night on the booze. Mind you, the bits of diced carrot might occlude smaller nations such as Djibouti or Belgium.
my shower curtain is a plastic map of the world
This is precisely how I learned to locate the clitoris…
With a shower curtain? With a plastic map of the world? Jeezus, mikey, your life has been stranger than I’d thought.
Jeez, we liberals own everything.
This is precisely how I learned to locate the clitoris…
Aren’t they somewhere off the sea-coast of Bohemia?
Thanks Samwise, I feel MUCH better now. 😎
Hate Speech Blogging from 1859:
South Carolina, too small for a republic but too large for an insane asylum.
“While scrubbing my boys…”
That has got to be the best new euphemism I’ve heard this year.
Now, there’s a very simple explanation for why most Americans can’t read maps: because we’re a stupid nation full of stupid people with a stupid popular culture.*
Well, “dip me in chocolate, and throw me to the lesbians!” This really IS Pauly’s “Jerry Springer Moment!”
This guy’s “analysis” is easily more ridiculous than the poor contestant’s answer. She was surprised by the question and had to make up a response on the spot. This Paul guy presumably had time to think about, mull over, and polish up his commentary, and yet it is still one of the most insanely idiotic statements I have ever heard, I award him no points, and may God have mercy etc.
Besides, she’s hot as hell. I can already find Iraq on a map; now I’m looking for someone with whom to share my treasured geography knowledge. Hey Caitlin, do ya like bloggers?
“One-fifth of Americans are dumbshits like you who can’t even find their own country on a fucking map. Why are we such a nation of dumbasses? Is it all the homeschooling?”
Let’s convert that further into our tried-and-true pageant liberalese. “One fifth of Americans can’t find their own country on a map. One third of Americans support George Bush. Taken together, what do those two findings suggest?”
my shower curtain is a plastic map of the world
Close examination of my duvet reveals that the stains form a map of Australia. Very educational.
I’d like to point out some things to both the The young Lady from South Carolina, and Paul – the muppet from wherever.
The type of “help” the US provides is not the type of help that we would appreciate. We have no need to bombed and shot by your troops.
thnxkbbnw
PS Did you know more people have died/been tortured to death/been displaced/suffered from gross human rights violations in the 4 years the US has been in Iraq than during the entre apartheid area, which lasted 48 years. So why has only one been denounced as a crime against humanity?
OR? With Dread Zeppelin you can have both.
When wooing hot tomatoes such as the incomparible Mamie Van Doren, I find nothing lights the rocket better than Jackie Gleason’s “Music For Lovers Only”.
So, either beauty pageants are cunning trojan horses used by liberals to spread talking points via rampant objectification of young women, or they’re ridiculous exercises in objectification of women, in which anachronistic misogyny is papered over with well-meaning platitudes. I really can’t decide. It’s a good thing Paul’s here to tell me.
truly i am one of those many americans who is map impaired. i used to own maps before the bush administration’s economic policies forced me to eat my maps.
that dear lady has to be one of the most stupid human being on earth, or south carolina
To be a proper conservative, she would have had to blame pot, video games hip-hop culture, welfare and the drive-by media… no? Bonus points for blaming George Soros.
As someone noted, Miss Upton is quite possibly comming from a map-deprived household. In general, “heartland” families do not own many books, as can be attested by the sizes of bookcases available in furniture stores in the boondocks. These are small affairs, good for one shelf for crime novels, one for romances, one for the family Bible and one for some knick-knacks. Or smaller yet. No place for a big Atlas of the World, for sure.
We had our bookcases shipped from IKEA.
Look, we all know that when feminists marched on the Miss America pageant in Atlantic City in 1968, and started burning bras and crowning sheep with tiaras that they were really saying that beauty pageants were the very essence of modern feminism and liberalism.
Anyone who disagrees is a Islamogaymexican.
Too bad the boys from Fast Times at Ridgemont High can’t distinguish side one of Zep IV from Physical Graffitti.
I was frying a steak once and I managed to slop a whole bunch of cooking oil onto the back of my hand. I got a real nasty burn, I will spare you all the icky details, on which I put the aloe vera lotion you buy in the store which has bright green dye in it so it’s the same color as the outside of the aloe plant. (The stuff inside the aloe itself is clear.) As the luck of the splash would have it, when it healed I ended up with an almost perfectly shaped map of Czechoslovakia, in green, across the back of my left hand. The wrinkles in the skin made it look like a relief map. I was tempted to get a tattoo consisting of a little black star and the word “Prague.” But it’s a good thing I was too lazy, because the green dye faded after a couple of months.
Anyway, if we did something like this to all young students I know their interest in maps and geography in general would be much greater.
Because it takes a village to raise a moron.
You gotta admit, that’s pretty funny.
Smotes:
It will also help in the long run on a more geographical basis as I will be going to teacher somewhere in the united states or outside the united states to children and this experience will help me gain knowledge.
Holy Crap! He Swanked it! That kid has a job at Pajamas Media just waiting for him.
Am I the only person who thought “Is this what we get after six years of No Child Left Behind” ?
Am I the only person who thought “Is this what we get after six years of No Child Left Behind” ?
Nossir. No you are not.
i had a student tell me he spent his summer vacation in the “poke a nose”
i kid you not
She was my true idol. I kept playing her music till night. Everywhere I go plays ehr music too.