Shorter Confederate Yankee

When Hidden Experts Are Found


‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.



Comments: 45


…aaaaaaaaaaand this proves, um, what, again?

details wrong = Iraq invasion justified?

Sorry, maybe I’m dense, but I just ain’t seein’ it.

But I suppose it keeps ’em off the street or something.

(Oh, and I love the first comment over there – evidently this idiotic Steve Beauchamp nit-picking is passing for DEEP INTELLECTUAL THOUGHT among Gun Counter’s commenters. Same people who aren’t thinking about hard questions like “what would constitute ‘victory’ in Iraq?” and “why HAVEN’T we found those massive WMD stockpiles?” and “what IF President Hillary had the ability to spy on anyone she wished?”)


Seeing as The Neocon Republican was a whore for war all along, I’m just along for the schadenfreud.

Now if only gun counter gomer would head off to Iraq to perform a real investigamation…


You know, I didn’t think one could find a comment which sums up the entire right-wing investigation technique so nicely, but here it is from the link at CY (quite beautiful, really):

“As a former bulldozer operator, I find that the story of the Bradley driver full of holes.”

i.e. I haven’t driven a Bradley, but I’ve driven a bulldozer i.e. ergo thus Scott Beauchamp is teh liar!!i^4!!!

This logic sounds familiar… something about young republicans fighting the more important war over here by supporting the troops? Mitt Romney’s kids fighting the more important war by driving around the RV? It’s the same story over and over again…


This logic sounds familiar… something about young republicans fighting the more important war over here by supporting the troops?

The war being fought by Young Republicans over here is against sex crimes going uncommitted.

People not getting blow jobs while they’re asleep.



Have you guys seen this?


I demand to know how that KEWL fading out text was done! ZOMG!!ROXXORS

and I must say the lolcats are just too damn funny. Now I will be telling everyone I meet today that I “must lets them see MY POKEMONS”.


Tigrismus, that is astounding. Or it should be.

The unity brought by such an attack sadly won’t last forever.

So, this guy is hoping for a series of 9/11s. A world series, even.


I understand where the wingnuts are coming from on this Beauchamp thing. It would be unprecedented for our soldiers to be discovered acting badly, what with Abu Ghraib and Haditha being proven hoaxes.


“Wrong! Conan, what is best in life?”
“My Pokemans! Let me show you them!”
“Yes, that is good!”



Aside from the cats, the crappy-motivational-poster motif of the graphic is just precious.


People not getting blow jobs while they’re asleep.

We must suck them off there so that we don’t have to suck them off here.


Have you guys seen this?

That is so fuckin’ evil I don’t even know where to start.


Thanx, Mr. Bradley bulldozer expert!!


Jeebus Crack-Smoking Christ on a stripper pole, who the fuck is Stu Bykofsky and why is he allowed to use a keyboard that is connected to the Internet?


You know, at this point, it’s almost worthless even paying attention to Gun Counter Gomer. He’s got no smarts, no influence, and no audience.

As much fun as it is to easily poke holes in his argument, I ultimately feel like we’re mocking the retarded.


He’s actually fairly influential, believe it or not. LGF linked to this post, and that sort of major linkage is more the rule than the exception.


This is off-topic, but I had assumed that with the moniker “Confederate Yankee” the guy was YET ANOTHER wingnut asshole extolling conservative politics while safely ensconced in some nice cozy progressive liberal metropolis. Funny how the loudest cheerleaders for heartland or southern “values” always got the hell out as soon as they could, never to return, even under gunpoint.

He’s still a wingnut asshole, but at least the fool lives in Raleigh.



It was only a matter of time before someone came out and said that.

He does a ‘pox on both houses’ spiel, ignoring the fact that the factional split was created, nurtured, viciously spread and matured by, and perpetuated with malice and vicious glee by our Republican power mongering friends, who delighted in the clueless attempts to ‘work across the aisle’ that the Democrats continue to respond with.

And now that the Republicans have destoryed their party in pursuit of total permanent worldwide power, it’s time to forgive and forget – until the Right can rebuild, at which time it becomes total war again.

So, killing several thousand people pushes the rightwing agenda forward half a generation.


Best. Wingnut. Comment. Ever.

It sounds like Beauchamp is saying they drifted the Bradley into the dog. I’m sure you’ve seen a car let its back end slide out on a turn before, can a treaded vehicle do that?

Could it do it on dirt roads? It sounds like a no, but I don’t really know. Just a thought, I used to run over pedestrians with cars that way in Grand Theft Auto, I’d floor it, then throw the handbrake and turn sharp on a RWD car and run over people with the back end.


It’s worse than that, Dan. It looks like he has a newspaper column. If you enjoy serious cognitive dissonance, check out his other writings. I only read a few before the nausea kicked in, but what I got was “You know, if Bush hadn’t screwed up the Iraq war (which is no reason to be mad at him or anything, that’s just crazy), even the objectively pro-terror lefties would have come around eventually, and we wouldn’t be stuck with all this vicious partisan divide over irrelevant social issues like gay marriage. You know what would really help refocus us, though? The success of terrorists.”


God, I’m trying to think of a Shorter for that column, but it’s so transcendently awful it seems immune…


This has gotten to the point where it’s gone beyond stupid, past embarrassing to some kind of treatable obsessive disorder. Geez, dude, let it go, get some sleep, go outside and breath some fresh air.

The sad thing is they can’t turn loose of Great Scott because this, yes, my friends, this little tempest in a tosspot is the closest thing they’ve had to a win in YEARS. After literally hundreds of “It’s the muslims – oops, no it’s not” and “the quoted source doesn’t even exist – oops, yes he does” and “the mosque wasn’t damaged – oh, I guess it was” they cannot believe that it has finally come to pass that, sure, they were wrong over and over again for the first week, but they came out, well, not RIGHT exactly but not completely wrong. So they can’t stop dwelling, and the celebration continues.

Pathetic, really…



Shorter Stu Bykofsky: Remember those horrible, tragic days back in September of 2001? Good times… Good times.


Per one of Gavin’s Lego Photoshops, these guys should be grouped as the Escher Detectives. Peering intently at the ground through a magnifying glass, traversing the same illogical steps over and over, up and down, lizard into fish into bum knee into gun counter into flight suit…


It was only a matter of time before someone came out and said that.

I know, and it’s not even that different from O’Reilly’s Coit Tower statement, or Coulter’s stated desire to intimidate liberals, or any of the hatred or eliminationism from the right, but damn. Stu wants Americans to die because then we’ll remember who the enemy is, and even gives the terrorists some helpful targeting tips? Hey Stu, here’s a hint about who the enemy is: it includes those who would aid and abet terrorists and who would delight in their success.


Shorter Stu Bykofsky: “An occasional sacrifice of American lives is perfectly acceptable if it stops politicians from arguing.”

Bykofsky is clearly one of those “sensible,” bipartisanship-at-all-costs centrists. What he’s essentially done here is take the Broder/Siegel sensible centrist argument to its logical conclusion. Intemperance and dissent are the greatest centrist sins; if we can eliminate them by letting a few thousand people die, isn’t that an acceptable loss?

My only hope is that he’s making fun of those folks and just hasn’t let us in on the joke. That’ll probably be his defense, anyway.

LA Confidential Pantload

IIRC, Bykofsky was the gossip (I guess it’s “society”) writer at the Daily News for many years. He’s been around the Philly scene for a very long time.


God, I’m trying to think of a Shorter for that column, but it’s so transcendently awful it seems immune…

Shorter Stu Bykofsky: “I’m an a**hole”

What I’m starting to suspect about the Beauchamp affair is that it is all part of a conservative effort to destroy the very concept of objective reality. That is, if they “prove” that nothing can be proven they can go on believing whatever they want. For instance, here’s a recap of a debate I witnessed in a chatroom recently:

guy #1: the Bible is true!
guy #2: can you prove that?
guy #1: well, uh, um, uh, can you prove the Roman empire existed?

So, I guess the wingnuts believe that if nothing is real, anything is real. Except what they don’t like, of course.

a different brad

I emailed Bykofsky. Not in a snarky way, in a you are a disgusting person who should be ashamed of yourself way. I doubt it’ll do any good beyond allowing me to vent, but that’s among the more offensive things I’ve ever read. I wonder, n asked him, whether he’s willing to throw himself and his family into the woodchipper to help out. I’m betting no.


Shorter Stu Bykofsky: Tea served in the skulls of innocents will calm us all.


guy #1: the Bible is true!
guy #2: can you prove that?
guy #1: well, uh, um, uh, can you prove the Roman empire existed?

— wingnuts quoted by Notorious P.A.T.

Nothing is true, everything is permitted.

— Hassan i Sabbah, founder of the Hashishem (Assassins)

I guess we’re all Islamofascists now ….


Shortest Stu Bykofsky: 9/11 – YAY!


Shorter Stu Bykofky: “I hope more people die, so the Democrats would shut up.”


Bigoted Northerner recognizes no one can definitely disprove his claims which I’m sure he is diligently translating in his head to, “This proves I was right about everything I’ve ever written about in the past!!”


seriously though, can we look at his pokemons? I bet he has some cool, rare ones.


He’s still a wingnut asshole, but at least the fool lives in Raleigh.

I thought he moved from upstate NY (appleknocker country, where their family trees don’t fork) to his beloved “Southland”? On purpose, even? Although the few natives I know tell me that Raleigh is no more ‘Southern’ than Las Vegas is ‘Western’, so probably GCGomer is as on-target in his residential choices as he is in, well, every other godsdamned idiocy he spews on the intertoobz.

Yeah, Mikey, you’re right. It’s not that the Wingnut Warpr0ners have finally achieved full bowel control, but the new Heavy-Sevice Overnight Depends have *extra* absorbency and a “skooch more room”, so now it is no longer accurate for us DFHs to say that the Warpr0ners have shit the bed!!!11!! Except, miracles of modern technology or not, they’re still rolling around in their own effluents, and it would be nice if they didn’t keep dancing into the party in wearing only their dirty Depends and those awful, glazed-eyed, shit-eating grins….


I think they’re just SO GOSHDARN TIRED of listening to us go on and on about how we knew from the outset that going halfway around the world to invade and occupy a muslim nation by force of arms would turn out to be a clusterfuck, and…


That they both would like to experience that “being right” sensation and would like to find a way to shut us up for an hour or two…


Qetesh the Abyssinian

Shorter Fuckovsky: We need more terrorists over here so we can keep fighting them over there.

Qetesh the Abyssinian

Shorter Fuckovsky: I hate it when we fight: can’t we all just get along?


Hey! No hat tip? I’m devastated.

I mean WTF?


Odd, the comment I made earlier vanished. Well, try try again.

Hey! No hat tip? I’m devastated!


Shorter Fuckoffsky: Another 9/11 would justify our plans of starting a religious Armageddon. Please God, oh please….kill thousands of people so we can send other people’s children to kill in your name. Amen.


Nothing is true, everything is permitted.

— Hassan i Sabbah, founder of the Hashishem (Assassins)

Yikes! But why am I not surprised?


LOL i havent laughed this hard at a post here in awhile. Well done


Shorter Bykoff: Strike my country now, Vader, and I become stronger than you can possibly imagine!


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