Wingnut In Heat
Since we last checked in with him, Dafydd ab Hugh has certainly been a busy little badger. Let’s see what he’s been up to:
Executive Energy
Hatched* by DafyddOne of the reasons I’m not entirely thrilled with the current bunch of presidential candidates… wait, a detour: Many animal-nouns have associated words for collections of that animal; for example, a gaggle of geese, an exhaltation of larks, a bay of hounds, a bale of turtles, and a murder of crows. Since most politicians are more or less barnyard animals, it makes sense that they have their own collection term. I propose “a corruption of politicians” and a “smarm of candidates.”
How utterly unsurprising that Dafydd is an expert on collective nouns for animals. Our suggestions: ‘a basement of wingnuts,’ ‘a chafe of furries,’ ‘a dodge of chickenhawks,’ ‘a virginity of Star Trek novelization enthusiasts,’ ‘a sammich of cod-Welsh ComicCon exhibitors’ (etc., etc., ibid., op. cit., write your own).
We live in dangerous times. I believe that our candidates need to focus like a laser beam on national security, but not just in the form of mass invasions of enemy countries …
OMG! Is Dafydd going soft on us?!?!?
… (though that is clearly one element that should never be taken off the table).
Whewww. For a second there, it seemed. . .whewww. So let’s review the Ab Hugh Doctrine:
1. Mass invasions of enemy countries
2. ?
3. Holodeck!
Actually, it turns out that the second step in the doctrine is “destroy nature”:
… the best — and most readily apparent — method of increasing the world supply of oil is to drill more. If we were to drill in the Gulf of Mexico, off the California coast, and of course in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge in the northeast corner of Alaska, we could reduce our own need to buy foreign oil so dramatically, it would likely drop the price of oil for everyone else, too.
Okay, drilling for oil in more places doesn’t actually increase the world supply, because we’re already sucking it out of the ground faster than the dinosaurs are dying and turning into more oil (everything I know about fossil fuel formation, I know from old Chevron ads). But that’s just quibbling.
Over the next few weeks, I’ll post a few more examples of how a principled theme of “boosting national security” can lead to a surprising number of foreign and domestic policies …
Because the entirety of the 21st century thus far has not been about ramming through extremist foreign and domestic policies under the guise of “boosting national security.” Right now, George Bush, Dick Cheney and Karl Rove are reading Dafydd ab Hugh and thinking, “Shit, why didn’t we think of that?”
So where is the GOP candidate willing to step forward and forcefully make this case? Where is the Fred Thompson or Mitt Romney or Rudy Giuliani who will seize this strongest of all electoral themes and beat Hillary and Barack over the head with it?
I even have his slogan: “Defund al-Qaeda by drilling in ANWR!”
We like where Dafydd is going with this. But let’s tweak the slogan a bit:
“Why should bin Laden have all the sludge? Vote ab Hugh in ’08. . .or I’ll mass invade your country! On the Holodeck! Plus: Free platypus orgies for all! Livelongandprosper!”
Gavin adds: “…And more skin on HBO! This is L.H. Puttgrass signing off and heading for the tub.”
* A furry who lays eggs? Oh, we get it … Dafydd’s not a badger, he’s a platypus!
For great justice
move every sammich
…and really… how can you write about Daffy without him and me together in a compromising photo?
How are you, gentlemen!!
All your sammiches are belong to us!!
(You gotta get those diagonal exclamation points, y’know…)
Move every sammich
Grab some chips and munch
Add a couple gherkins
Now you’ve finished lunch
mikey
Me want sammich!
“Okay, drilling for oil in more places doesn’t actually increase the world supply, because we’re already sucking it out of the ground faster than the dinosaurs are dying and turning into more oil (everything I know about fossil fuel formation, I know from old Chevron ads). But that’s just quibbling.”
There will always be more grapes.
“a Cacodemon of novel-length DooM™®© fanfic writers…”
O.K. help me out here. How is it even possible to be a far right, invasion happy, environment destroying Star-Trek fan? Has he ever even watched any of those shows? Does he have any idea what a dirtyfuckinhippy Roddenberry was? I mean, this is a Republican Neo-con we’re talking about here. Not a group exactly known for being able to separate art from politics.
Dude doesn’t know how to think strategically and wants to fuck with our friends the sea lions and polar bears. The best and cheapest way to increase oil supplies is to invade Iraq, put our high-tech energy companies in charge of sucking out every light, sweet barrel there is, and party on like it’s 2001 every year.
Then, invade Iran!
That’s one fucked up Space Marine…
mikey
Sammich!
Emphasis in the original.
A cheeto of bedwetters.
A sphincter of lickspittles.
write your own
A surge of neocons
A pantload of NRO contributors
A reconquista of Malkin commenters
A too-goddamn-many of Freidman Units
A deliciousness of sammiches
If we drill for oil in Alaska, we’ll never run out of oil! Oh boy, sleep–that’s where I’m a viking!
Y’know, this has got me thinking. What we really need, beyond jet packs and vibro blades, is Bible FanFic. I mean, jesus as an action hero, moses as modeled by Bruce Willis, this could be huge. I’m gonna get started tonight!!
mikey
I’m gonna get started tonight!!
$200K for option rights, young man. Empty warehouses are lined up in 15 states for “distribution” of our soon-to-be bestseller.
*sigh* This guy makes furries look bad. Seriously, all I ever do with my furry friends is watch movies, go to lunch, play board games, go shopping…you know, everything every other twentysomething does with their friends.
We just decorate our apartments a bit differently, that’s all. And we have nicknames ending in “Wolf” and “Fox”.
I can’t imagine the Trekkies are too pleased with him either.
A surge of neocons
Now honestly, Will. We all know that there aren’t any neocons who are actually participating in the surge.
Seconded Simba B. Us furs seem to get the shit-end of the stick an awful lot as it is, and we don’t need this guy going around, dragging our collective name through the muck.
Sure the whole furry thing is out of the ordinary, but who the fuck wants to be ‘ordinary’ anyways? White bread conservative squares, but we know they have bigger problems anyways.
Dafydd is certainly some-kinda fucked up, as Gundamhead suggested – what happened to him that he can watch that much Star Trek and not get the message? One would excpect a hardcore wingnut to find the shows completely unpalatable for all their blatant sermonizing on humanist values and depicting a near-utopian future without capitalism, etc…
Y’know, this has got me thinking. What we really need, beyond jet packs and vibro blades, is Bible FanFic. I mean, jesus as an action hero, moses as modeled by Bruce Willis, this could be huge. I’m gonna get started tonight!!
mikey
Of course, there is bible fanfic already.
Not merely Paul’s stuff, mind, but real, modern era crap. Mostly centered around Jesus fucking his Apostles, or God having sex with Satan, or Moses doing Aaron and Pharaoh.
It’s weird.
Woo-hoo for continuing infiltration of Sadly, No! by the furries! But on a darker note, I see that Daffy’s web-pile is called Big Lizards. Please tell me this simpering dolt is not a fan of either the Dead Milkmen or Godzilla. That’s a universe I don’t want to live in.
Somebody asked for a bible fanfic with lasers and spaceships?
World Without Slack:
http://www.subgenius.com/bigfist/classic/classictales/WWS1.html
Fronting notice: I have not read more than the first two chapters.
Pear Pimples for Hairy Fishnuts!
The Mirthful Mermaids of the Water Planet Playtex grow less mirthful by the Minute Sir.
I CAN HAZ GINT SAMMICH!
aw, JEEZUL, you know, if I was a computer and this Daffy guy tried to download his brain into me, I’d spit the fucker right back out on the floor.
On second thought, ‘yknow what? Go ahead and download yourselves, guys, and GET THE FUCK OFF OUR PLANET. Go re-engineer Jupiter or play ice hockey on Pluto something. If we could just have the “real” Rapture AND the Rapture of the Nerds it’d be a MUCH more peaceful world to live on, I daresay.
The little badger at the top of the page makes me laugh every time I see him. He is so obviously ready for love.
A Friedman of Christianists.
A godbag of College Republicans.
A delusion of hypocrites.
An authoritarian of fascists.
A Riehl of illiterates.
An LGF of White Supremacists.
Dear Sirs:
I must protest most vehemently against the anti-melesism on display in this post.
Have you ever tried walking through a mall dressed as a badger?
Please desist, apologize, and grovel, or I will start a thread denouncing S,N! on a ferret-oriented website.
Yours,
Badgers (Ret.)
p.s. SNAKE! SNAKE!
Eh, furries aren’t so bad. They’re basically the same thing as LARPers, except where LARPers read too much Tolkien as kids, the furries tended to read the kind of books that had friendly talking animals as heroes. Six of one, half dozen of another.
I think it’s inaccurate to use ‘sammich’ as a unit of ab Hughs, unless it’s akin to a micrometer. Seems that an ab Hugh of sammiches is more believable.
I hate to break it to Daffy, but you have to drill your oil well where there is actually oil. I know the early pioneers thought that “rain followed the plow”, i.e. that God made it rain because he was happy they tilled the soil after driving off the shiftless injuns. But it is going out on a limb to suggest that “oil will follow the well.”
ANWR does have oil, probably abround 10 billion barrels. It sounds like a lot, but the world consumes 85 million barrels a day. That means ANWR would would supply the world with oil for about 4 months (assuming you could get it all out energy-free, which you can’t) spread over about a 25 year productive period. Oh, we’ll get desperate enough to drill ANWR eventually, but it isn’t going to drop the price of oil for anyone. It is just going to make whatever oil company that bribes the most Congresscritters very very wealthy.
Of course, there is bible fanfic already.
There is also at least one Jesus action figure. I think I saw it at Archie McPhee (I am not an employee, shareholder, customer or contractor of AMcP).
I believe the gentleman’s name is Snodgrass, Gavin. Tsktsk
Also, HBO is going to show a lot more skin, starting this fall.
Tell me you love me
A Squirtle of Fanboys.
Many animal-nouns have associated words for collections of that animal
It might also be relevant that the specific term for a badger’s dung is ‘werdrobe’.
I am grateful to Dafydd for providing me with a rare opportunity to mention this fact.
Then I guess it’s not surprising that I would have such a limited werdrobe…
mikey
I hate to break it to Daffy, but you have to drill your oil well where there is actually oil.
oh oh oh but don’t you understand in the post-human FUTURE!!! we will be able to make our own oil using nanotech! And we’ll have an abundance of everything thanks to technology but it’ll still be allocated through a free market ‘casue that’s how it’s supposed to be. And Daffy and friends will walk among us in their kewl cybernetic bodies while we mere meatspace humans are relegated to giving them regular lube jobs. Virtual giant e-sammiches for EVERYONE!*
*Note: “Everyone” only valid for limited sets of humanity. Offer not valid in third-world socialist collectivist hellholes such as China, Venezuela, Iran or NYC. Official Extropian Cool-Guy Intellectual membership required. Additional costs may apply.
A Slate of Candidates.
That’s the freakin’ Venereal term for “Bunch of Candidates.”
Sheesh. English as a blunt instrument.
“Sir, are you classified as human?”
“No, I am a meat popsicle.”