Mïtterdämmerung!
It’s the Twilight of the Latter Day Saints over at Townhall:
The Four Walls Of The American Home
By Mitt Romney
Friday, July 13, 2007
He’s right about the walls, you know. And the fourth wall is the one with the reality TV production crew filming our wife-swapping misadventures. Also, Friday the 13th for your first Townhall column, Mitt? Maybe the headline could have been: “(Jason Voorhees Smashing Through) The Four Walls Of The American Home”. That would have been funny.
At this critical time in our nation’s history, we are confronted by daily reminders of the existence of evil. It would be foolish and irresponsible for us to believe that evil will simply go away. Hatred, as much as we want it to, does not always fade with each generation. To combat those who would perpetuate evil in the world, we must project our strength and our goodness, which rely in part on the strength of our people and culture.
Would that be Creamy Goodness™? Or Sweet Goodness™? Remarkably, ‘The Creamy Goodness’ is a trademark of one ‘Wank Industries, Ltd.’ Sometimes, the jokes not only write themselves, they submit themselves for peer review by other jokes in the Catskills Journal of Funny Medicine.
Around the world, our goal should be to employ American strength, courage, fortitude and goodness. Our country leads in not only military technology, but in science, education, health care and innovation. It is time that we apply the things that make America the world’s leader to making America a safer, freer, and more prosperous nation. By doing so, we can project America’s strength and goodness to the world.
[Gavin adds: Oh, I see what he’s up to here: ‘Project[ing] our strength and goodness to the world’ is a new euphemism for ginning up a war with Iran.]
Again, with the ‘goodness’! Why does Mitt’s portrayal of the Global War on Terror resemble a children’s manga story? Like, in Mitt’s world cute little animal characters are going to vaporize terrorists with colorful bursts of tickle energy. Then the American squirrel character and the British bulldog character and a couple of saucer-eyed anime kids from Albania do a freeze-frame high five, and they all drive to the mall to celebrate with the bulldog lashed to the roof of their car.
Above: The new face of American power
Here’s a tip, Mitt: Your base wants you to talk about putting a boot in Osama bin Laden’s ass, not a Barney song on his lips.
I have great faith in the American people and in the American family. I have faith in our children and our grandchildren. At the same time, I am deeply troubled by the culture that surrounds them today. Following the Columbine shootings, author Peggy Noonan wrote a column describing what she called “the ocean in which our children swim.” It was a cesspool of violence, sex, drugs, indolence, and perversion. She wrote that the boys who did the shooting had “inhaled too deep the ocean in which they swam.”
True that. If only they had gone swimming in the ocean where they keep the Jesus dolphins, then Columbine would have never happened.
We need to clean up the water in which our children are swimming.
The metaphorical water, of course. Not the actual water. Al Gore is a fat hypocrite who has the carbon footprint of an enormous fat man with really, really big feet. That are made of carbon. Also, he is fat.
Cleaning “the ocean in which our children swim” begins with ensuring that we have strong families. The most important work being done to strengthen America’s future is the work that is being done within the four walls of the American home.
So there you have it. Mitt Romney’s pledge: Elect me and your house will be full of seawater.
UPDATE: Find out where your current mood fits on the Dick Cheney Emotional Chart. Praise the genius of t4toby.
It seems to me that Sweet Goodness™ Oven Mitt would like to project is also known as “dropping bombs on people”.
Always popular with the base.
I’m sure he’ll mitt-amorphosize again after the primary is over.
“Then the American squirrel character and the British bulldog character and a couple of saucer-eyed anime kids from Albania do a freeze-frame high five, and they all drive to the mall to celebrate with the bulldog lashed to the roof of their car.”
ROTFLMAO!!!1!
Our country leads in not only military technology, but in science, education, health care and innovation.
Are any of these true? Because I’d been under the impression that we’re the fucking remedial student in science, education, health care, and innovation.
I mean, I suppose the military technology is plausible, but really, you can only hold up the nerds for the other homework for so long, using that really big shiv you made in shop class.
Hey man, don’t disrespect Manga by comparing the Mittster to it. He’s more on the level of those D.C. Comics Hostess Snowball Ads: http://www.seanbaby.com/hostess.htm
All meaningless fluff and empty shilling.
Hey, what about Natural Goodness? Isn’t it goodnessy enough for you?
Missing, as usual, from “Oven” Mitt’s plaint about “the culture”: it’s the genius of the marketplace, man. The ocean in which our children swim comes courtesy of the entrepreneurs that Romney worships.
Am I worried? No. Because, unlike the rest of you monsters, I (and Mitt) believe in our grandchildren.
On innovation – apparently, Europe leads us in entrepeneurship by about 2-to-1 … meaning, about 13 percent of Europeans start their own business while just 7 percent of Americans do. It’s theorized that this is almost entirely due to our terrible health care system and the heavy burden of paying for health insurance as an individual.
I am way to lazy to provide any links to this research.
Everybody has to go the Sweet Goodness website. A sample:
It’s Sweet Goodness Week!
Celebrate all that is sweet, good, and sweet and good!
Thank you for your interest in Sweet Goodness, and I hope you will take part in celebrating Sweet Goodness celebrations in a way that works for you. If it’s something sweet, good, or sweet and good that you’re doing, well, hooray! You can even be listed a supporter of Sweet Goodness! And don’t forget to recognize all that is sweet and good in the world around you. While Sweet Goodness Week and Sweet Goodness Day happen but once a year, the sweet, good, and sweet and good things in life are always around you. Sometimes you just have to stop and look to see them! Celebrate Sweet Goodness Week and Day in 2007, and celebrate Sweet Goodness year round! Sweet Goodness!
Around the world, our goal should be to employ American strength, courage, fortitude and goodness.
I think I’d rather our goal be to employ American workers. Strength, courage, fortitude and goodness are always calling in sick, the lazy bastids.
Are any of these true? Because I’d been under the impression that we’re the fucking remedial student in science, education, health care, and innovation.
Regarding at least education and health care, I’d say we’re more like the charter-school students — best in the world if you can afford it, but if not, hey, at least your school has metal detectors and the emergency room’s open 24/7.
At this critical time in our nation’s history, we are confronted by daily reminders of the existence of evil.
That’s exactly what I thought when I saw Chimpy and Condi on teevee yesterday.
we must project our strength and our goodness
Projectile voMitt.
Squee! THE Mitt Romney?! Oh joys!
“Our country leads in not only military technology, but in science, education, health care and innovation.”
One of these things is not like the others, one of these things does not belong…
“…and they all drive to the mall to celebrate with the bulldog lashed to the roof of their car.”
HA!
Cleaning up the ocean where our children swim. Yeah. When the hell did Republicans turn into such panty-waisted, bleeding heart, hippie pussies?
And when did it suddenly become NOT the parents’ responsibilities to raise their children?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LG-H9zNncOw
I’m so totally digging on this theme song.
This is why I elbow my way past the Garys and the Kevins and the Shoelimpys to come here.
Following the Columbine shootings, author Peggy Noonan wrote a column describing what she called “the ocean in which our children swim.” It was a cesspool of violence, sex, drugs, indolence, and perversion.
…like most of Noonan’s columns!
Mitt needs an editor, as such sentiments are clearly not part of his authorial voice. The pronoun “it” clearly refers to the object of the preceding sentence, in this case “a column,” NOT “‘the ocean…'”, which is part of a phrase that is, much as an adjective would do, describing the column. Sheesh.
… children swim.” ^This ocean
Itwas a cesspool of violence, drugs, indolence and perversion.*puts red pen away, fuming at the inadequacy of ASCII proofreading marks and the trite righty sentiment, but feeling strangely accomplished*
Hmm. If Mitt or Pegster just got rid of the violence, 86ed that pesky, lingering cesspool smell, and kicked out those annoying kids, I’d be more than happy to swim in that ocean…
I’m so totally digging on this theme song.
Why have not gotten a new Belly album?
He sounds like Dick Cheney on ecstasy.
I think he was right the first time, MCH, as are you.
Since when do houses only have 4 walls?
Nevermind houses with more than 4 sides, what about interior walls?
And….. ummm, I’m not an editor or anything, but a metaphorical image meant to improve our standing with the rest of the world should be inclusive, yes?
So why base it on an image of a barrier which exists to keep the rest of the world out of one’s personal domain?
Am I out of rhetorical questions?
“This is why I elbow my way past the Garys and the Kevins and the Shoelimpys to come here.”
Doc Washboard, they are a feature, not a flaw.
Operatives have recovered an internal memorandum from the Romney Campaign. It details a 5 part strategy, detailing Mitt’s strategy for the remainder of 2007. It is highly detailed, and appears to have been drafted by Mitt himself (or at least approved at the candidate’s level). It reads as follows:
1. Guest blog at Townhall – Accuse Defeatocrats of veiled fascism while making overtly fascist statements like: “To combat those who would perpetuate evil in the world, we must project our strength and our goodness, which rely in part on the strength of our people and culture.”
2. Double Gitmo
3.?
4(a) ??
4(b). Bomb Something.
5. Presidency.
– Generalissimo Benito Romney-Franco 2007.
Where does our strength and goodness come from? Many Democrats would say that America is great today because of our great government. While our government is great, it is hardly the source of our strength.
Yes, in 2007, those tax-lovin’ democrats simply can’t shut up about how great our government is under GWB.
Also, the quality of wingnut writing from all corners is making me think that the entire wingnutosphere is actually just Kaye Grogan with 600 keyboards.
Ugh, I thought we were done with blaming Columbine on MTV and librulz.
The FBI’s report on Columbine (good summary here: http://www.slate.com/id/2099203/ ) concluded that Eric Harris was a psychopath. He had a mental disorder that was not “caused” by anything. He dispassionately planned a massacre not because society did anything to him, but because his disorder gave rise to extreme narcissism and contempt for everyone around him, and prevented him from feeling anything approaching compassion or empathy. Like many psychopaths, he had a huge personality which completely overwhelmed that of depressed, underconfident Dylan Kliebold. They set out to kill a ton of people for the sake of killing a ton of people, and they did it (though they got nowhere near their goal of exceeding Timothy McVeigh’s accomplishments).
I’m reminded of Lester Bangs’ comments when some mainstream reporter, in the wake of the deaths of Sid Vicious and Nancy Spungen, asked if “punk caused this.” As Bangs said, “Nothing caused this.”
I think the general wingnut theory is, first we bomb them, to show our strength. Then we send some doctors in to sew up the survivors, to show our goodness.
I can’t imagine why this plan wouldn’t work.
Oh, if you want to talk terrible metaphors, don’t forget Peggy’s “inhaled too deep of the ocean in which they swam.” Because inhaling an ocean is only dangerous if you do it too deeply.
Hey, Mitt? How about cleaning up the actual ocean where my actual children actually would swim, if I didn’t mind them sharing the surf with turds and used syringes ?
Ahem. Thank you for coming. This little slide show was prepared to show you how america spreads her Goodness.
Here’s our goodness.
Here we’re spreading some of that goodness around the world.
Here’s all the goodness we spread around the world.
Here’s some people who have had the goodness spread on them.
And here’s some people who are feeling teh goodness.
I hope that clears up any lingering confusion…
mikey
fuck me – lol:
this is why you guys/gals are teh bestest.
Mmmmm, sugar walls. And there are four of them. Mmmmm.
I just can’t fight teh stupid. I clicked through (god help me) and it’s clear that the Mittster’s writing really does belong on Townhall.
…unless it runs out of campaign cash before the first primary…
Ah, Mitt? You do know that the only way pornography “comes up” on a kid’s computer is if he, now or at some point in the past, voluntarily visited pornographic websites, right? I mean, you can’t get a ‘virus’ without exposing yourself to risk. It’s appropriate to link the ‘computer-pr0n!!!Oh-noes!!!’ to street-level drug-dealing, since both are driven exclusively by market demand. Like all good Republicans, Mitt wants smut in the regulated, monitored bookstores, and drugs available only through connected pushers. In other words, Republican channels only.
Unless it’s in a hotel that’s partially owned by Mitt…
a different brad said: Since when do houses only have 4 walls?
Geez are you ignerant. Mormon houses only have four walls. This is because they are pyramids. The walls, all sloping, focus celestial energy from the sky upon one particular spot inside. This works particularly well in the Utah desert, under the clear blue sky they’ve got out there. You put the underwear at the focal point.
Perhaps I’ve revealed too much.
Sometimes, the jokes not only write themselves, they submit themselves for peer review by other jokes in the Catskills Journal of Funny Medicine.
a spewed soda on my keyboard moment- thank you
The fourth wall is where comedy is made.
Another band name–I got dibs!
D. Aristophanes,
I got 10 cavities just from reading that Sweet Goodness™ quote. How the hell did you ever survive an entire site of that?
Iiiiiieeeeeee!!!
Romney has scared the sh*t out of me since his first ad…which was “Ginormous” on family, religion and patriotism and the “America is the greatest, goodest…” rhetoric…
It ended with a real brain scrambler…”I Can’t Wait To Get My Hands On Washington!”
I bet you can’t Romney…you’ll put them all in a cage on the roof of your car and…
Oh wait…that’s another story!
There’s nothing like going to bed with two antihistamines, waking up groggy and sour, and reading a couple of SadlyNos and TBogg to bring the sparkle back. You guys are the Yes Men of the Internet.
It’s too bad Mitt is such a complete fucking doofus full of Nothing, not even air, because his name alone makes him worthy of at least one short Presidency.
Okay, first of all, if those Columbine shooters had “inhaled too deep the ocean in which they swam,” wouldn’t they have drowned? And secondly, shouldn’t that have been “inhaled too deeply“, the verb part calling for an adverb, not an adjective? And then third, as the whole thing is a mixed metaphor anyway, Nooners is a idjit. And fourthly, there’s Mitt, which is an entire ocean its own self in which I don’t want to swim, and certainly not inhale, and definitely not deep. -ly.
Okay, first of all, if those Columbine shooters had “inhaled too deep the ocean in which they swam,” wouldn’t they have drowned?
But they did. They drowned too calamitously in the shootingness of the choppy waters outlaying the four walls of our goodness. Ness.
What lesley said, except in my case replace “two antihistamines” with “eight beers”.
TPM muckraker is pretty bare of teh HTML, Righteous Bubba.
TPM muckraker is pretty bare of teh HTML, Righteous Bubba.
If I got a golden egg I’d complain about the orifice that produced it.
Shorter Huckabee: Michael Moore is fat, so the health care crisis is his fault.
(Not to say there really IS a health cae crisis.)
THIS is the guy who wants to run our country next? Bush 2.0?
Whee.
None of the Rethuglican candidates seems very electable to me. Don’t they all seem more than a little off, Mitt and Rudy in particular? (Less said about John M. teh better). I don’t think the average voter is comfortable with such high levels of peculiarity. Bush seemed really stupid, but he didn’t seem particularly peculiar on first impression, as I recall. These guys all give off the creepy vibe, but maybe it’s just me.
Off topic, but I will be glad when this summer semester in hell ends, so I can actually sit here and read through threads, instead of only having time for a peak, now and then. Writing briefs and citing cases is screwing up my minimal ability to write.
This bit w/ “teh eeee-vil” has just got to stop. There are few to no people out there who are “evil,’ in the comic book villain who “worships evil” sense, or even the Blue Öyster Cult (lyrix: Fred Smith’s widder) tune “Career of Evil.”
Everyone whom Mitt despises, from porn pimpers (does he hate himself?) to jihadis have perfectly good reasons (to themselves, at least) for what they do, whether it be to “put food on their family,” as Bush said, to spreading their one true religion. The difference between Bin Laden sending planes into the WTC and Mormons sending their missionaries out for suckers to tithe is a matter of degree, not of difference. If someone were to stand up & say: “I’m evil, and because I’m evil I want to destroy America and its sweet, creamy goodness,” that would be one thing, but Mitt (& every other horse’s ass in the race for the White House) had better realize that when they call America the “Great Satan,” etc., it’s because they believe us to be just as evil as we believe them to be.
Moral Relativism? Nope, truth!
MIkey: Great slideshow, but not all the links worked. Great anyway.
It’s also important to note that when the U.S. is called “the Great Satan”, it means, “the largest obstacle to good behavior in this life, currently”. There are many shaitans (satans) in Islamic theology, pitfalls and obstructions to a common good amongst all people, Muslim or not. They’re described largely as meddlesome pests that lead man into temptation to do the wrong thing, not even ‘evil’, just pests.
If, perhaps, the U.S. government would fucking cool it and *stop* meddling in the affairs of other countries for no other reason than they can, if they backed off from manipulating Islamic countries, supporting whatever short-term, self-serving splinter group is certain to bite them in the ass, and killing thousands and displacing thousands more, maybe that “Great Satan” mark would drop off.
Maybe, who knows, we’d become “the Fair-to-Middling Satan”, and they’d begin making their own decisions in the world, good or bad.
Pere Ubu, that site you linked to had a great couple of lyrics apropos to this thread:
I’d like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony
I’d like to end six million lives
Like Nazi Germany …
Oh, the Sweet Goodness™!11one!
Bush 2.0 is exactly right.
We need to show the world how good and free we are by – doubling gitmo, torturing people, undermining our own constitution, killing more and more people, etc etc. Great plan!
We tried that. It didn’t work. God what a fucking moron. I liked “Good vs. Evil” when it was a TV show, not an all-encompassing policy.
This isn’t the takedown of Mitt Romney I was hoping for, but it’s a good start. I’d like to see you savage all the GOP candidates who are not Brownback. I’ll be watching and waiting.
This preview feature is really neat. It’s like I’m typing two comments at once!
I thought it was Nutty Goodness. Or Pea-nutty Goodness.
I’d like to see you savage all the GOP candidates who are not Brownback. I’ll be watching and waiting.
I’d love it if Brownback were the nominee. Really.
I’d love it if Brownback were the nominee. Really.
But wait! How much would you pay if the Brownback’s running mate were Rick Santorum?
I’d like to see you savage all the GOP candidates who are not Brownback. I’ll be watching and waiting.
Psycheout: You say that as though anyone cares what you’ll be doing. Yes, I understand you’re a “parody troll.” It is an understatement to say that you say that as though anyone cares.
Mitt!: “Following the Columbine shootings, author Peggy Noonan wrote a column describing what she called ‘the ocean in which our children swim.’ It was a cesspool of violence, sex, drugs, indolence, and perversion.”
And that’s just the Giuliani campaign. Wait’ll they graduate to the Republican full frontal.
D. Aristophanes: “So there you have it. Mitt Romney’s pledge: Elect me and your house will be full of seawater.”
But… but… it’ll be *CLEAN* seawater!
Ok, no it won’t. It’ll be filthy.
But, it’ll be *MORALLY* pure!
“Around the world, our goal should be to employ American strength, courage, fortitude and goodness.”
I think I’d rather our goal be to employ American workers.
Bain Capitol, under Willard Romney’s figurehead “stewardship”, was very much in favor of outsourcing whatever jobs couldn’t be eliminated at the corporations it purchased. Part of Mitt’s fat paychecks were for standing in front of various boards of directors to announce guilelessly that, sure, Bain had promised the newly-vulture-capitalized company’s workers wouldn’t be fired, but those promises were now inoperative, because conditions-capitalism-wall-street-quarterly-earnings-yadda-yadda (shorter: “It’s our company now, and we’ll break it up for parts if we feel like it, suckers!”) The rest of those paychecks were for standing up in front of his fellow Mormon elders and assuring them that any tithes invested in Bain would be spent only for the purest sources of American Goodness(tm) — or at least that they’d make a very competitive ROI, whichever seemed more important at the time.
Willard “Mitt” Romney is the empty suit’s empty suit. And the scariest thing is, he really believes that’s what qualifies him to be President — goddess save us all!
Hmph. Strikethrough (for ‘figurehead’) and the TM symbol worked just fine in the live-preview function! Goddamned Repubs are screwing with your preview function, dudes!
Oh, I think you have to use the character codes for things like the trademark symbol.
™ test test ™
It’s & trade ; no spaces.
I use a löökup table for åll that stüff.
You know what this means, Gavin. Now oyu have to find a way to use “Autohaüs”, or some other haüs variant, in future posts.
Around the world, our goal should be to employ American strength, courage, fortitude and goodness.
Well done on showing that Goodness, Mitt…
MzNicky, no need to be a jerk. I have as much right to comment here as anybody. You have the same right to ignore me. If Gavin, Brad, HTML, Seb or anyone else at Sadly No requests that I not post here anymore because it bothers you, I will happily comply. They have my email.
What a jerk.
Just keep in mind that when Willard writes “family”, he means “white, wealthy, straight family”. His philosophy has no room for gays, minorities and the poor.
Just a word to the wise from a citizen of Massachusetts.
I use a löökup table for åll that stüff.
There’s always ?B??å?p?.
Lately the Sadly WordPress has been less understanding of weird characters though. Like Kevin.
I use a löökup table for åll that stüff.
There’s always ?B??å?p?.
Lately the Sadly WordPress has been less understanding of weird characters though. Like Kevin.
[…] But never fear, Mitt Romney is projecting the goodness that can only come of attacking […]