Shorter Dennis Prager

Above: He polka your eyes out

America Needs a July Fourth Seder

  • Much good could come through the sanctification of America as a sort of Judeo-Christian civic religion.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.


Comments: 69


What First Amendment? Ah, heck, though, according to his article, which I actually clicked to and read (damn my eyes!), us secular Merkins can just ignore the prayer part, and the Fourth of July Seder will be a-ok. Who could possibly object?

These pricks would all just love it if the whole Bill of Rights could be repealed. Not that they haven’t been trying to do just that via the back door.

Dennis Prager, back door man.


Dennis Prager, back door man.

He don’t know, but the neofascists understand.


The Seder achieves the feat not only through detailed recitation of the story, but through engaging the interest of the youngest of those at the table (indeed, they are its primary focus), through special food, through song and through relevant prayer.

I don’t know about the rest of you guys, but I actually want Prager to design an American Seder with special food, drink and prayer unique to your country. I think nothing would be awesomer than the ritual of the pouring of the Coors Light or the feast of Pork Rinds and Cheetos.


Not once in his column does Prager refer to anything but “July Fourth” or “the Fourth.” NOTE TO PRAGER: It’s Independence Day, you theocratic nutwad. If you’re going to bemoan the demise of national holidays, I would think the least you could do is refer to this one by its proper — and meaningful — name. To paraphrase the old joke, every country has a July 4th. Here in the U.S., it’s Independence Day (notwithstanding the association of that phrase with Roland Emmerich’s filmic slopfest).

Where’s Bill O’Reilly on this one? If we started wishing him a “Merry December 25th,” his head would explode. Where is his outrage about the War on Independence Day?

Oh, and a final note to Prager: We already have the equivalent of an Independence Day seder — it’s called the cook-out, and the ritual includes grilling meat and veggies, yelling at the kids to cut that shit out before somebody gets hurt, drinking beer, and blowing stuff up. It’s the perfect American ritual.


I’ve been to a couple of seders before. The food is pretty damn bad – boiled chicken neck and bitter herbs with salt water, anyone? I think HG is totally right….an American Seder would be awesome. My only fear is that the afikomen would become a bratwurst, and then instead of playing “hide the afikomen”, we’d be playing “hide the bratwurst” and that’s just a completely different game.


His Grace–

That ain’t the half of it. Ever see a Haggadah? The booklet of prayers and songs and recitatives the Jews use at their seders? An American Haggadah would be a fine, fine thing (although not if written and designed by Prager, mind you).
BTW, there’s no such thing as an official Haggadah. The only thing they need all have in common is the basic prayers. So THAT’S not a problem.

Smotes Durston

Shorter Dennis Prager II:

Holidays seemed really cool when I was a kid, and now they’re meh.


“Why is this night unlike any other night?”

“Because this is the night we commemorate our righteous asskicking of both the British AND some evil space aliens! USA! USA!”


Being Dennis Prager’s kid must suck. As if it wasn’t bad enough that he wrote a column about your single black friend and now your locker has “RACE TRAITOR” smeared on it in human shit, now you’re subject to further emotional scarring because you’re the only kid on the block who has to stay inside and celebrate Festivus while the rest of the kids are watching fireworks and having a good time.

Plus he always suffocates you with his fat during the Feats of Strength, and then you smell like gefilte fish and blackberry Manashewitz for a week.


I used to like the taste of blackberry Manischewitz when I was young. We had a bottle of it in the liquor cabinet; why, I don’t know. We were Catholic.

Phil Moskowitz, Lovable Rogue.

The first thing most of my family does at our Seder is to make it as short as possible;it’s interminable. Everyone just wants to enjoy the food & the company rather than sitting around talking about how god loves the jews so much that he makes them his chosen people. Does Dennis think American is god’s chosen country? Shall we all go out a slay the first born of (insert hated brown race here)? Will he be wishing for blood, boils & frogs this 4th?

Shortest Dennis Prager-Damn kids, get off my country!


God damn, there is just too much obtuseness and rampant sodomization of our friend, Irony in this piece to single out any gems. This one might be leading the pack however:

“We come, finally, to tomorrow, the mother of American holidays, July Fourth, the day America was born. This day has a long history of vibrant and meaningful celebrations.”

Just checking – like the rule of law, equality, transparency, government by the people, due process, habeas corpus, fairness, et al?

“But it, too, is rapidly losing its meaning. For example, look around tomorrow — especially if you live in a large urban area — and see how few homes display the American flag.”

Oh, my bad, you meant the disintigration of meaningless symbolism. Got it. The Nazis and Soviets lamented the declines in their symbolic representations too. Guess what? They weren’t eating dogs and watching the Yanks/Twins game.

“For most Americans it appears that the Fourth has become merely a day to take off from work and enjoy hot dogs with friends.”

While for others it means braying about like a nationalist asshole, and shouting “USA USA USA!!” while simultaneously …

… eh forget it.

“National memory dies without national ritual. And without a national memory, a nation dies.”

That’s funny. I thought that nations die when those entrusted with power by the people, become unresponsive to the people and use that power for their own ends, rather than for the collective good, i.e. pissing on the identity of the country to the loud and barking applause by power-worshiping nit wits and criminals such as yourself.

“That is the secret at the heart of the Jewish people’s survival that the American people must learn if they are to survive.”

Quick!! Everyone forget about what it actually means to be an American, and gather around uncle Dennis, who will tell you exactly where to hang your flag, how to wear your armband, and at what angle you should goose-step your heels as you march down the avenue.


My family, secular Irish Americans living in Southeast Iowa, had Manischewitz too. My granny, not much of a drinker, would have a little pony glass on special occasions. It was one of the first things I sipped as a kid, and it was quite tasty. (About the only other thing Gram would drink was Brass Monkey.)

Later, when I was visiting with my ex b/f’s Jewish grandparents in Chicago, I felt quite nostalgic sipping the sweet blackberriness. (What I remember about his granny, though, was her chicken soup and matzoh. So light, they’d float off your spoon…)

Now I’m hungry. I blame Prager.


Shall we all go out a slay the first born of (insert hated brown race here)?
*ahem* Iraq.


How about every 4th of July a group of Americans gathers to set out a separatist manifesto backed by armed resistance to the existing government, and then follows through on it?

That would be very much in keeping with the original spirit.

See, this is Prager’s deal: wrap it up in bullshit and cotton wool, and take away the fact that those people in Philly were putting their heads on the line. National ritual enforces the idea that 1776 was a one-time deal. Now, the French have the military parades and shit on Bastille Day, but they’ve also been through somewhat more than one overthrow of power.


Holy Jeremiah and Jesus! Does Prager not know a darned thing about the origins of Judaism (as distinct from the national religious practices of the Israelites) and of Christianity?

Judaism, as we know it today, was constructed by the Deuteronomaicists and then by the Rabbis as a means of preserving the religious folk-ways of the Hebrews in the diaspora. Pace Prager’s religious-Zionist friends, there is not supposed to be a Jewish State until the Moshiach comes. In the meanwhile, Hebraic cultic culture survives by the creation of a “religion” which allows us Jewish types to practice Jewish rituals while living in a non-Jewish society (the ” memory” etc of which Prager speaks was constructed precisely to enable Jewish religion to survive when its practicioners became citizens of other nations … i.e. to serves as a counterbalance to civic religion, not to serve as civic religion) … we can be secular citizens, but Judaism is about opting out of any civic religion (remember folks, they used to call us atheists for that reason) because we already have our own religion. The idea that Judaism could or should be a civic religion is ridiculous (in part ’cause we are the chosen people and you’re not [ / Chevy Chase ]).

And when some Jewish types thought they could have Judaism as a civic religion, some guy named Jesus came along and told them to stuff it (turned over money changers’ tables and everything). So it’s awful ironic how, within the span of about 400 or so years, Christianity became a civic religion. And it would be even more ironic to bring Judaism into this considering how the Christian part of Judeo-Christianity rather frequently persecuted and killed the Jewish part for not submitting to that sacred religion.

Sheeze, Prager is a dolt. I’m not even gonna point out that he’s forgot about the Muslims, er Poles … knowing the history of the Lipka Tarters and their connection to the US might be a bit advanced …

The sad fact is that many people think just like this dolt Prager.


“(What I remember about his granny, though, was her chicken soup and matzoh. So light, they’d float off your spoon…)”

BAH! That doesn’t build any character! A proper matzoh ball should sit in your stomach like a lead cannonball, immobilizing you so that you can reflect on the goodness of God.

If you had only given us 2-pound clumps of solid starch and had not floated them in chicken boullion made from a cube, Deyenu!


can you even imagine what Thanksgiving at his house must be like?! scary.


Christmas has become less nationally meaningful as exemplified by the substitution of “Happy Holidays” for “Merry Christmas.”

This comment is like the superstring of stupid ass comments: it’s retarded in like 10 dimensions.

However, I’m just wondering: Is he starting the 2007 war-on-the-war-on-Christmas in July?


Ummm, ok, I’m confused. I clicked over and read Prager’s piece. He thinks we should have rituals around holidays. But here’s the stupid part: We DO! I’m sorry you don’t like them, Dennis, and perhaps don’t like the idea that these rituals have evolved as American society has evolved, but your standing there demanding ritual in a ritual rice environment. Fer crissakes, do you go into Baskin Robbins and lament loudly “Dammit, nice little place, now if you only served ice cream here it would be great”?

The barbeque, the beer, the baseball, the frisbee, the fireworks? What the hell is that? Umm, it’s a yearly ritual, for cryin out loud. It may not recall the events of the late eighteenth century the way Dennis would like, but it serves the purpose of all ritual – it brings people together around a common set of beliefs, and passes those beliefs to the ensuing generations through that set of common ritual.

Once again, one can only end a commentary on a Prager column in the same way every time




When I was in elementary school, July 4 was in the summer.
Me and my pals, even that Goldstein kid, would just slouch around.


What this country sorely needs is more fanatical devotion to nationalism. What religion sets the best example at how to inspire fanatical devotion? Mine, of course. Everybody, JULY 4th SEDER! . Heathens can stand aside while the faithful pray. How PC is that?


On other nights we may eat foods cooked in many ways, why do we eat only grilled food on the 4th?


That Prager chap’s comment section is way funnier than this one.


mikey said,
July 3, 2007 at 20:13

Ummm, ok, I’m confused…. Dennis, and perhaps don’t like the idea that these rituals have evolved as American society has evolved, but your standing there demanding ritual in a ritual rice environment.

Ritual rice has no place in this story. Did the Pilgrims eat rice? Did Jefferson write the Declaration on rice paper?


Shorter Gavin ( aka Travis G.):

I am against conservatives no matter what they say. I also enjoy the occasional booger.


Jeez, Byrdbrain, if making a typo is all it takes to be a commie, then the Manifesto should be unreadable. And you better type very carefully.

Y’know, you’d think I’d get some kind of special dispensation due to my killing a bunch of commies a few years back. Harsh judgment, Byrdshit….


Ban Pie-eaters

It’s more fun to swim when people don’t shit in the pool. But I tell ya, this place is putting me off Baby Ruths.


This comment is like the superstring of stupid ass comments: it’s retarded in like 10 dimensions.

Cangrejero FTW!!!1!!

PS I’m still laughing.


I was always struck by how absurd the 4th must seem to people living in actual war zones. We blow shit up to simulate war. Whoo-hoo, wave those flags! Dumbest. Idea. Evar!!!1!

Let’s check with people in real war zones, shall we?

“Those asshole Americans should come over here to Iraq if they want to see what war sounds like.” Ali Al Akbar, 26

“Maybe the Americans would like to spend the night in my poppy field if they want to see what its like to be in the middle of a conflict.” Chieftan Wasashiri, 57

“Perhaps the Americans would like to add a new tradition to their celebrations, to make it more authentic. Maiming innocent civilians! That would make it just like Lebanon!” Abeer Hyek, 22


Sorry, t4toby, but that’s just silly. Can you imagine how hard it would be to maintain a population of militaristic, war-loving xenophobes if the American people actually could understand on a visceral level the consequences of living in a war zone? Why they just might stop glorifying war. They, they, they might seek peaceful solutions. Fer gawdsake, they might even decide it would be better to live in peace with their neighbors rather than dominate them with sheer, brutal force. I mean, come on, dood, that…

Huh? It was your point? Oh. Um, yeah. Never mind…

Well, anyway. USA, USA, USA!! FUCK YEAH!!


Galactic Dustbin

of all the stupid….

look just because HIS family doesnt have rituals dont mean the rest of do not.

My family’s ritual 4th ( sorry Independence Day- dont want to be starting the War on Independence Day), starts with the Setting of the Bonfire, the Roasting of Weenies, then the family gathers around and hears the Story of the Year Dad Blew Off Half of His Mustash With A Picalo-Pete, followed by the Blowing of Shit Up, and then, powdered sugar donuts and watermellon.


Klein's Tiny Left Nut

And we ask the 4th of July question, why do we eat reclining? To which the answer must be the f@#$ing six pack of blackberry Manischewiz that we consumed with the grilled meats.

My goyisha mother also kept Manischewitz around, which she used to drink with an ice cube in it. Oy!

And Jillian, I think hide the bratwurst, properly played, could take this holiday to the next level. USA, USA indeed.


Maybe fellow chosen ones Wolfie, Feith, Chertoff and Scooter could host something?

How ’bout: The stupidest F’ing celebration in the world?


This comment is like the superstring of stupid ass comments: it’s retarded in like 10 dimensions.

I’m totally going to use that.


Trying to think of a Jewish holiday joke that hasn’t been made…save that M80 for Elijiah? Eh, I got nothin’.


Hey! Who drank Elijah’s can of Coors?

You want to know why Elijah never comes back? Because fuckers like you keep drinking his goddamn beer! We’re never going to get the Meshiach, and it’s all your fault. I hope you’re proud of yourselves.

What? It’s not funny, damnit!


What a bunch of moronix FUCKS posting on an insignificant website!!!


“When I was in elementary school, every year we would put on a play about Abraham Lincoln to commemorate Lincoln’s Birthday and a play about George Washington to commemorate Washington’s Birthday. Unfortunately, Congress made a particularly foolish decision to abolish the two greatest presidents’ birthdays as national holidays and substituted the meaningless Presidents Day. Beyond having a three-day weekend and department store sales, the day means nothing.”

Oh yeah, I’ll bet those plays were masterpieces of historical accuracy. “I cannot tell a lie,” & other such myths. Really inspirational.
And the reason behind President’s Day? Why, it was whiny right wing anti-government types who couldn’t stand the concept of paid holidays for Federal employees. So let’s consolidate one of of those holidays out of existence.
Prager is just one of the all time toads. “You will love America & follow its rituals w/o question or thought!!” If this country is so fucking great, why does it need to be crammed down everyone’s throat? Maybe if history were still taught, instead of test-taking, it wouldn’t be necessary to agitate for whatever it is exactly that Prager wants to impose now. (And just what the hell does he want? We all assemble in the town square every Fourth of JulyIndependence Day and line up for a free hot dog, once we’ve performed the annual ritual of the loyalty oath/baptismal ceremony/circumscision?)
To hell w/ “patriotism!!” I hope all you Yankee pig dogs blow each other up real good this year. Here in SoCal, I’m hoping for massive, entire-suburb-destroying fires set off by fireworks displays. Burn, Baby, Burn!!!


What’s Prager talking about? Ritual? Of course we have ritual!!

Doesn’t he know that all across this great land, in public squares and even on the Capitol Lawn in DC, Americans gather together on July 4th to commemorate, with music and fireworks, the defeat of Napolean’s Grande Armee at the hands of the Russian army at Borodino?

There’s nothing that says Independence Day more than the thrilling strains of “Le Marseillaise”, “God Save the Tsar” and booming cannons in the “1812 Overture”! USA USA NUMBER ONE!!!1111!


SadExcuse: Did you mean here or at Clown Hall? Please make your potential insults as clear as possible. Thank you.


blah blah moronix shut yo mouth

Don’t hold back, honey bun, it’s bad for your blood pressure. I only say that because I care!


I act all righteous until someone breaks out the M-80s!

Hey, SadExcuse! Hold this….




What? You got an even crappier website?


Shorter Dennis Prager III: I needed something else to blame on the 1960s/Clinton’s Almighty Penis, and our national holidays seemed to be the perfect thing.


Moronix Fucks is the name of my electronika album.


“What a bunch of moronix FUCKS posting on an insignificant website!!!”, posted the moronix (??!?) FUCK to that same insignificant website.

Look, I know Madame Irony passed away some years ago after a long illness, but before she died did she murder her little brother Self Awareness? Because I haven’t seen him even for a moment in just about as long…



In case you guys want to do a tribute, Yahoo is reporting that Boots Randolph died.


Yikes! That Christian WW website is a nightmare to behold. I got a headache viewing the front page, so I don’t know what the fuck it’s about.


Hey, I took the worldview test on that site J.A. Baker pointed us to. Apparently I am a Communist. I mastered a score of -19 out of a possible 170. Anyone beat that? I know I’m not the leftest person here.


That usability nightmare that is the “Christian Worldview” website is one of the many homes of “Spaghetti Puller” Coach Dave, who has been featured here at S, N! before.


I think he pushes spaghetti, doesn’t he?


I push linguini. Go ahead, try a plate. No charge. Want some Parmesan?


Smiling Mortician

Jeepers, thanks, Your Grace! I went to that Worldview place and took the test. My results:

Your classification is: Communist/Marxist/Socialist/Secular Humanist Worldview Thinker

Your score is: -63 points of 170 possible, -37%

Guess I out-commied you. The scary part is that I answered honestly (where I could — what idiot wrote those questions?) and wasn’t even trying to mess with them. I left lots of “no opinion” responses (mostly the WWJD questions, ’cause how the hell would I know?), which I guess just goes to show that there’s no sin greater than not being resolute.

Hysterical Woman

Why are we getting random trolls in this thread? Did some wingnut link to this site?


My result, Your Grace:

Your classification is: Communist/Marxist/Socialist/Secular Humanist Worldview Thinker

Your score is: -24 points of 170 possible, -14%

That was fun! I bet we’re skewing the stats for them. Must get more Sadly Nosians to participate.

What a bunch of leading questions they have on their test!


Goodness…..I’m surrounded by a bunch of rightwingers!

Your classification is: Communist/Marxist/Socialist/Secular Humanist Worldview Thinker

Your score is: -105 points of 170 possible, -61%

Y’all need to come join me on the Dark Side of the Force!


Hey! I’m a Communist/Marxist/Socialist/Secular Humanist Worldview Thinker. My score was -70!

That test had enough strawmen in it to hold a Scarecrow’s Convention.

I left a lot of No Opinion responses, too.


And I gotta tell, you that test was disturbing on many levels.

The questions intermingled doctrinal questions, like “do you believe in original sin” and how people can be ‘saved” with economic and governmental theory.

I can understand someone supporting the idea of a flat tax as economic theory, and even though I don’t myself, and I’d be perfectly willing to listen to why that person thinks it would be a good thing in practice. But believing in a flat tax because it’s supposed to be a idea God had, which he put in the Bible?

It scares the shit out of me that there are people who believe that.


I got a -38. Apparently they penalize you for answering No Opinion to anything. Good Christians have an opinion on everything!


You know, I didn’t notice the test when I decided to link that site. I seem to have created a monster by accident!


Atheist, Gentlewoman,

I wonder if it makes Prager happy to know that his articles can be related to theoretical physics? Or do they also see superstring theory as faith-based science?


Unanble to stop laughing. Re:

A proper matzoh ball should sit in your stomach like a lead cannonball, immobilizing you so that you can reflect on the goodness of God.

Let my people go!

Qetesh the Abyssinian

ahem, what a great idea: celebrate Independence Day by overthrowing the gubmint! Hurrah!

Here in the land of Oz, we used to celebrate Guy Fawkes Night. By burning stuff and letting off fireworks, natch. I particularly recommend the rhyme that asks for a faggot: I don’t recall that one from my childhood, and I feel deprived.

And I heartily, heartily, second whoever suggested to send these bozos off to experience what a real war feels like. Martial fantasies are an extreme form of wanking, and should be fulfilled for whoever holds them. It’s a public service, I think.


Now this, ladies and gentlemen, is a journalist.

Okay, perhaps this is a better example of editorializing than it is journalism. But why is it, out of all the endless parade of talking heads on TV anymore, there is only one who will say such things?

I think the answer to that is also related to the answer of why we always get such shitty journalism anymore.


I look at it like this:

The Battle for the Hearts and Minds of Cable News Viewers:

First, there was Murdoch. He created Fox news because he recognized there was a great thirst among the batshit wingnut talk radio audience for some deeply biased TV to go with their Limbaugh.

Next, Fox News passed CNN in Ratings.

Panicked, CNN began competing for the batshit wingnut eyeballs with Dobbs and Beck and a general tilt to the right.

MSNBC surveyed the blasted landscape, and quickly realized that the the batshit wingnut community was over-represented, and no amount of red-meat propaganda would win them a significant share. Hmmm, what to do, what to do? It was then that Kaplan realized that there was one under represented community he could take with virtually no competition. Oh, sure, he couldn’t go all lefty, all the time. He would be derided as “unserious”. But there was plenty of room to pander to that community, who had no serious talk radio constituency, and who had been all but abandoned by cable news. And that brought us Olbermann. And we can be thankful for that, at least…



mikey said,
July 3, 2007 at 20:57

Jeez, Byrdbrain, if making a typo is all it takes to be a commie, then the Manifesto should be unreadable. And you better type very carefully.

Y’know, you’d think I’d get some kind of special dispensation due to my killing a bunch of commies a few years back. Harsh judgment, Byrdshit….


“Byrdbrain!”. Funny stuff that.
Next you’ll be claiming to be a vietnam vet who lost his sense of humour over there…oh wait…

Hey, did you ever take acid and watch the napalm fall and get a buzz from the lack of oxygen? That’s a popular internet , ‘I was in the Nam’ story.


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