Ask A Celebrity-Lawyer Torture-Enthusiast

It appears that The Forward has hired a new advice columnist. Here’s a sneak peek of what’s in store for their (sure to be horrified) readers:

Above: Ali D. in da house

Dear Mr. Dershowitz,

I’m not saying I did this, but, let’s say if a theoretical Mr. O. K. Shimpsen, a famous man, found out his trophy wife, of whom he was often violently jealous, was cheating on him, and he was therefore overcome with rage and stabbed said wife and then had someone else hold her lover while he in turn was stabbed immediately thereafter, and Johnnie Cochran could not help him beat the murder rap, would you represent said Mr. Shimpsen?

Obenthal Johns Impson

Dear Mr. Impson,

As a civil libertarian, I take my duty to represent alleged celebrity wife-killers very seriously. What, hypothetically, would the points be on the book deal?

Your pal,

Dear Mr. Dershowitz,

In our latest war for freedom, we’ve yet again allegedly blown up a bunch of so-called “civilians,” for which we’re getting undue grief from those do-gooding, hypocrite human rights organizations. In response, we’ve tried labelling these so-called civilians “collateral damage,” “al-Qaida,” “terrorists”, etc. Our internet publicists, meanwhile, without being bound by political correctness, are of course free to use what we feel is a more accurate lexicon (“savages,” “barbarians,” “filthy wogs,” “ragheads”) to make the point that by definition, no subhuman — by which we mean Arab, Persian, Muslim — can be an innocent civilian. How do we incorporate our publicists’ point while retaining the so-called “language of civilization”? It’s annoying that we have to ask, much less justify ourselves, but you know how it is.

Virtuous Western Government

Dear V to-tha W.G.,

I do indeed know how it is: as the discredited Oslo-Accord-overseer Bill Clinton put it, I feel your pain. But don’t worry, my spiffy “continuum of civilianality” precisely addresses your needs. On a scale of one to ten, with ‘ten’ being a truly innocent civilian (Israeli, American) and ‘one’ being a de facto terrorist (Arab, Persian), the degree of civilianality of the dead can be reasonably and objectively ascertained according to the nature of their national, ethnic and religious identity, but without refering to that identity (raghead). Make ’em feel like a number!


Dear Mr. Dershowitz:

Last Halloween my yard was TP’d and my house’s windows egged. I think it was that kid Hakim Sharif who lives a block down from me. He’s a jerk. How do I find out for sure and stop it from happening again?

Tommy Jones, Third Grade, Roosevelt Elementary School, Wilmington, DE

Dear Tommy:

I’m delighted to receive your letter. Educating the youth of America in civil-libertarian principles is an important duty to a civil libertarian. You must show resolve, Tommy. Do not let the squeamish weaken your will, for the Hakims menace us all. You must capture him, sterilize a few needles with a cigarette lighter, then shove them under the filthy raghead’s. . .er, alleged fingernails until he reveals his plans. I’m not saying whether this is right or wrong, but history will absolve us.

Avuncularly Yours,

Dear Mr. Dershowitz,

I’m an amateur genealogist, doing some research on my family’s history. Family lore has it that my great-great grandfather, an Arab, had a farm outside Jerusalem in the 1890s. Where should I look for a record of this?

Said in San Francisco

Dear Said In San Francisco:

Pbbbt. You’d have been more believable if you’d said your great-great grandfather was a space alien. There were virtually no Arabs in Palestine before the Zionists got there and made the desert go boom uh, bloom.

Nice try, bub,

Dear Mr. Dershowitz,

International Law is an anti-American and anti-Semitic conspiracy. It pre-empts pre-emptive war! How shitty is that? I say to hell with it.

Richard Perle

Dear Dick:


Exceptionally Yours,

Dear Mr. Dershowitz,

A while back I was bulldozing houses in Gaza, thinking of course they were only infested with wog vermin. But it turns out I ran over an American chick in there! How does this square with your continuum of civilianality?

IDFer who went to bed at ten thinking of twos, but woke up at two with a ten

Dear IDFer,

A gentile who protests Israel’s policies with regard to Palestinians is an anti-Semite; a Jew who protests likewise is a self-loathing Jew and race traitor. As such, these people can be considered de facto terrorists. You woke up at two with a two, my friend!

Mazel Tov,

Dear Mr. Dershowitz,

I am troubled by the classic anti-Semitism of the American right wing, specifically of the fundamentalist Christians who think we’re nothing but a bunch of amoral, Christ-killing, Hollywood heathens. These are people who join in singing with Borat, “Throw the Jew Down The Well”.

Conscientious Secular Jew

Dear Connie,

Silence! You are at best silly and at worse blind and degenerate. These so-called anti-Semites support Israel, which is what really matters. Our morality shall be a lamp to guide the world.


Dear Mr. Dershowitz,

My name is Johnny Leary. I am ten years old. My brother Billy has written a list of all the things I’ve supposedly done that are bad. He makes a case that I’m a big bully and a total poophead. What can I do to stop him from showing this list to the rest of our family?

Your friend,
Hysterical In Hazelton

Dear Hysterical:

This is a problem that plagues adults, too — especially the righteous civil libertarians among us! I suggest you lie. Then lie more. Then lie again. Smear him! (Smears are noble and effective.) And if that doesn’t work, demand that your parents take away his paper and pencils. And if even that doesn’t work, then have him kicked out of your house.

Hope this helps,

Dear Mr. Dershowitz,

I’m a good English-American. I am preoccupied with UK-US relations. Of each particular thing, I first ask, is it good for the English? People might think this is chauvinist, but I disagree: History justifies my tribalism. As you know, the English have for years had a problem with filthy Irish terrorists whose revanchist fantasies are irreconcilable with Western Civilization. I believe the English are right to counter the Irish using whatever means necessary. I also believe that America should support the English in this endeavor whether or not it is in America’s national interest. Most English-Americans do not think as I do, but a number agree with me and we have formed a lobby. Is this wrong?

Chauncey Stuffington

Dear Mr. Stuffington:
Of course I agree in principle, though in practice I dislike the tribalism of, well, other tribes. Nonetheless, my advice to you is to smear those who accurately describe what you are doing and what you believe. Call them racists and bigots and Nazis. Deny, deny, deny — it is only thus that the world will know the greatness of your tribe.



Comments: 35


Alan Dershowitz speaking in the news report: When you torture somebody to death … everybody would acknowledge that’s torture. But placing a sterilized needle under somebody’s fingernails for fifteen minutes, causing excruciating pain but no permanent physical damage—is that torture?

Holy cow, he not only looks like an evil clown, he thinks like one too. Maybe he looks like one because he thinks like one.


He She or It PACs
They PAC

Bomb Iraq

Bomb Iran

Bomb the Constitution, heck it’s only the USA, so who at AIPAC gives a crap.

~Rapmaster Lieberman


This is one of the most hilarious posts here in a long time.

This is a problem that plagues adults, too — especially the righteous civil libertarians among us! I suggest you lie. Then lie more. Then lie again. Smear him! (Smears are noble and effective.) And if that doesn’t work, demand that your parents take away his paper and pencils. And if even that doesn’t work, then have him kicked out of your house.



Did you know that Dershowitz is Yiddish for dipshit?


Holy cow, he not only looks like an evil clown, he thinks like one too. Maybe he looks like one because he thinks like one.

Well, that holds true for Bush as well, what with his chimpy appearance.


But placing a sterilized needle under somebody’s fingernails for fifteen minutes

I cannot believe this. I’d wish nothing more than for this piece of shit to be in a chopper that gets forced down in bad country. He’d need to hump out, with the possibility that he’d be POW constantly breathing down his neck. Maybe he could then explain to his captors why they shouldn’t shove a nice clean needle up his ass. Un American traitor thug prick…



Dear HTML Mencken,

I am shocked, revolted, and utterly disgusted by this piece. You had better bring up some Jewish credentials here, otherwise I’ll have to write you off as another antisemite coming out of the woodwork. And I don’t want any half-assed 90s-Russian-immigration-Jewish-ancestor-back-in-the-day; I want the real thing–some Western European, whitebread Ashkenazi cred. Rest assured that I want this information only in order to determine whether you’re a Quisling or a full-fledged stormtrooper, goose-stepping across the internet. Ultimately, you’re not talking your way out of this shit. I can read the subtext–I’m not blind!

I now take my leave, and join my Republican associates in their struggle against the godless anti-Americans who’ve taken over the Hollywood studios, and the cosmopolitan bankers who finance the Liberal Conspiracy.

P.S. all of our troubles in the Middle East will disappear once we defeat the crooked-nosed, money-grubbing Saudi usurers.


You’re going to need the § tag, Cizungu.



Regarding the needles. As always, here’s the fair proposal. We’ll tie you up and shove needles under your nails and all that fun stuff. Maybe sodomize you, Pulp Fiction style (Pammy is the Gimp. No question.) Then you can tell use weither it was torture or not.


Dear Professor Dershowitz,

I am currently embarking on a world tour performing my new musical show lecture “Gentle Den’s Heirarchy of Jews”, in which I explain that there are three types of Jews that can be ranked, in descending order of moral probity from best to worst: Christians, regular Jews, and Jews who criticize Israel. Unfortunately, due to the fact that I will be accompanying myself on the accordion, I will be unable to provide sign language translation for the blind. Ever since reading your article in which you suggested that an entire Palestinian village be liquidated for every death caused by a terrorist in Israel, I knew you possessed the moral clarity to work with me. Would you be willing to consider taking the summer off to join me in spreading the word from Canada to Kashmir? My son will be joining us as a youth outreach activist, and his black friend will be our roadie.

Yours in Christ,
Dennis Prager


Can’t think of anything sarcastic to say,absolutely brilliant,and Mikey I like the cut of your jib man.


Thank you. It can’t be said enough.


I couldn’t resist a little sammichshopping with Mr. Needles.

When Marathon Man meets Dear Abby

If anyone has a better caption, let me know.


Zomg…tour de force…bravolingus!!!

George Gobel for the Block

Uh, “shyster” has a possible tie to Shakespeare’s “Shylock”– this is an ab Hugh sandwich of anti-semitism, jsyk.


Fuck. I never knew that. Just looked it up; you’re right. it is possible. which was not at all my intent.

I mean that he’s a shithead of a lawyer/conman.


[…] Mencken at Sadly, No! has given this news the acid satirical treatment it so richly deserves. It should be read and […]


Thanks so much to HTML Mencken for giving this story the acid treatment it so richly deserves. You did a much better demolition job on the Douche (er, Dersh) than I did in my original post. Thanks for linking to it above.

As for ‘shyster,’ the online dictionaries I’ve consulted say the word derives from medieval German. There’s no reference to Shylock that I’ve seen in any online definition I’ve reviewed. I’ve always used the term in connection with lawyers as in “shyster lawyer” i.e. someone liable to lie or cheat you.

But hey, that doesn’t mean that the Deb Schlussels of the world won’t squeal about you being a damn anti-SeMIT (the way our old Jewish bubbies used to pronounce the word).

Lesley–such a terrific image. Hope you don’t mind if I borrow it with attribution for my post.


HTML: genius. Thank you.

mikey: always like your comments. You speak for me on this topic and lots of others.


Uh, “shyster” has a possible tie to Shakespeare’s “Shylock”– this is an ab Hugh sandwich of anti-semitism, jsyk.

No it doesn’t — it’s a Yiddish word of East/Central European origin, completely uninfluenced by the works of Shakespeare.


Just looked it up; you’re right.

I don’t know where you looked it up, but your source is misleading you. This “etymology” is completely apocryphal.


It comes by way of Yiddish, ultimately from a German word meaning “poo-poo”.


Shyster comes from Sheisser, which is German for “shitter” (literally), and a generic term like sonuvabitch. As others point out above, any source claiming derivation from Shylock is full of schiess. (Also, Shylock is a moneylender, not a lawyer.)

Brilliant deconstruction of a truly deserving shithead.


wikipedia said it possibly was. y’all are probably right but it’s a chance I don’t wanna take with this post.


wikipedia said it possibly was.

That has been corrected.


Kudos for pointing out Dershowitz’s attempt at prior restraint. Apparently Dershowitz, the Felix Frankfurter Professor of Law at Harvard, doesn’t know what “prior restraint” is or is indifferent to the anti-civil libertarian act as long as he’s the one doing the restraining. Neither does him any credit at all.


“Dear Mr Dershowitz,

I was up for tenure at a noted US university and then a torture loving rabble-rousing lawyer smeared me as an anti-semite and I didn’t get the job.

What should I do?”


Shyster comes from Sheisser, which is German for “shitter” (literally), and a generic term like sonuvabitch.

I wonder if this has any relationship to the English “bull-shitter”….hmmmm


That HNN link reminded me that I used to read that site a lot because it had some good stuff. The other side of the coin is this book review. From the very first paragraph:

Bushites have had to endure five years of wishy-washy, nonsensical, morally-equivalencing pamphlets. From Noam Chomsky through Jimmy Carter—via John Pilger, Tariq Ali and Michael Moore—such dhimmi-like works offer-up little more scholarship than the language stamped across the T-shirts of placard-wielding terrorist-sympathizers (who regard it as their god-given right to hijack all events). Save for Fred Barnes and the magisterial work(s) of Niall Ferguson, Colin Gray, Rob Singh, Tim Lynch and Douglas Murray—all from across the pond mind you—few ripostes have been forthcoming.


Ahh, yes. I love being branded as a “terrorist sympathizer” because it indicates such careful, thoughtful analysis. My greatest hope, nay, my impossible dream is to be crushed in a collapsing building after those great leaders of liberal intellectualism, terrorists, blew it up. Ahh, indeed, I could smile the peaceful smile of the life lived to completion as tons of concrete crushed the life slowly out of me, knowing that at long last my deepest secret wish has been fulfilled.

Are these people retarded or what?


Retarded Donut

There’s no “or what?” about it.

They are retarded.

They do love something they call “America,” but it’s a very narrow vision that has nothing but scorn and derision and a necessary misinformation campaign for all that does not conform.

Very remniscient of that person the “Christians” call “Jesus.”


Actually, being called a terrorist sympathizer on the fourth of july is an honor. It’s a dumb term, but the way the people who abuse it define terrorism everyone out there celebrating today is a terrorist sympathizer.


Follow my link above for a pretty good smackdown of Dershowitless.

Of course the best whistleblower on Dershowitz has been Norman Finkelstein, who exposed him as a plagiarist, liar and fraud. For video of the horsewhipping:

Since Dershowitz knew he was busted, his response was to start a smear campaign against Finkelstein and Finkelstein’s late mother, a Holocaust survivor who testified against the Nazis in a war crimes trial. Where did Dershowitz go to get his garbage distributed? Frontpage, a Holocaust denier website. No wonder he’s in favor of Libby’s clemency. One lying snake supporting another.

meaningful wanker, painfully versed

Dear Dersh,
I owned an olive grove until the county plowed it under to make way for immigrant housing. Something about “advance settlements.” Man I hated those stupid olives. I’m really glad it happened, and just wanted to let you know.
And kudos, Bubke, on the “torture” call.


[…] Sadly, No! » Ask A Celebrity-Lawyer Torture-Enthusiast Ask A Celebrity-Lawyer Torture-Enthusiast … And if that doesn’t work, demand that your parents take away … East will disappear once we defeat the crooked-nosed, money … […]


(comments are closed)