Cheney’s heart, Bush’s brain, Democrat’s courage, and an expensive pair of Italian shoes for Condi

The souls of children.

Dun forget the cast, crew, and original set dressings of the “Apollo Landings”. Oh! And the keys to the Umbrella Factory.

• The Spear of Destiny
• The recipe for Soylent Green: what is that stuff anyway? Yum.
• Teleporter from Executive Branch to Undisclosed Branch
• Magic 8-Ball
• Photos of GWB in his adult baby gear
• Small jar of miniaturized people
• One banana-powered superchimputer

Rover (anyone watch the Prisoner?)
George’s liquor supply
Laura’s medicine supply
Nude photos of Barbara Bush
Marcellus Wallace’s briefcase
the button (you know which one…THE button)

John Ashcroft’s frozen corpse. “Talk over me again, why don’t you?”

240 dollars worth of pudding
18 1/2 minutes worth of audiotape

the fifth and final golden ticket.

YOUR MOTHER FUCK YOU

Green Kryptonite
100 splinters of the true cross
The shinbone of St. Paul – lightly gnawed

The Spear of Destiny

Hah, that made me laugh.

A piece of Roswell’s UFO.

– The bottled tears of a million womb babies

– 50 gallon vats of angel cum

– The Anti-Life Equation

– A contract written in blood for Satan’s soul

– An oompa loompa skeleton

– Hitler’s brain

– John McCain’s last lingering shred of self respect

– Alberto Gonzales’ collection of bicycle seats

The real Dick Cheney.

the cure for death
assorted perpetual motion machines
the philosopher’s stone
a year’s supply of kosher coke
the location of atlantis
the location of the entrance to inner earth
a breeding pair of bigfeet
an entrance to Narnia
Spice

Snack Puppies.

teh SN preview button.

The memorandum justifying the reformation of the New York Dolls sans Johnny Thunders and Jerry Nolan.

* The Holy Grail
* The Higgs boson
* Jimmy Hoffa
* The end of the rainbow
* The inside of a Klein bottle

Snack Puppies

Or would that be, “puppies for snacks”? He likes how they crunch.

Senator Arlen Specter’s nuts.

P.S. Pony Time!

The password to his HotManLove.com account.

I think this post is a little too 3-Bullsish for Sadly, No!

Alastor Moody.

The Grim Reaper

The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Saddam

Hitler’s Brain(thinly sliced and lightly toasted, for those times when he runs short of snack puppies)

An Escape Hatch

The rotting corpse of Burgess Meredith

I’d like to know where he got the safes. Was it from Haliburton, or Duke Cunningham?

A miniature replica of the universe, with it’s own Milky Way, Earth, White House, and a miniature replica of a giant Mosler safe belonging to a miniature Vice President.

David Crosby’s sperm?

Hmm. Calls for logical deduction.

Let’s see. Man Sized Mosler Safe. Man SIZED Mosler Safe. Man Sized Mosler SAFE. Nope. Hey, waitaminute! I wonder if…

THATS IT!!

Holy shit, he’s got JESUS in there!!

mikey

• Pipe organ
• Extra artificial limbs
• Shmoos
• Hypno-goggles
• Swanson Hungry Man dinners
• Blood-B-Gone
• That asshole from the movie rental place, bound and gagged

The “Portrait of Richard Cheney”

Dick Lugar’s Stepford Congressman double

Woops, that’s Stepford Senator – certainly trips off the tongue much easier!

• Unfinished doctoral thesis: The application of AC voltage to the testicles of those who won’t accept my thesis

An alternate universe populated by dinosaurs and Sleestaks.

The Gimp.

• Sea monkeys that look like sea monkeys

The original copy of the US Constitution, properly shredded
The space pope
A list of checks and balances for his fourth branch of government, currently empty
A years supply of freedom fries
The fifth branch of the US government, kept secret even from himself
WMD
The alternate ending to Rocky 4

-mare sweat

-Mrs. Lovett’s meat pies (lifetime supply)

-blackmail files on every single Democratic officeholder since 1975 (you didn’t think they were always pussies, did you?)

-George Bailey’s missing payment to old man Potter

-Colin Powell’s spine

-Abu Gonzalez’ spine

-for that matter, GWB’s spine

-dirty “hidden cam” pics of Jenna & her sis making out-he thinks that he “caught” them but really, they totally are that slutty and got paid well by Uncle Scooter for their efforts (you’re saying “ew” but come on, really, you knew it all along)

-film footage of Monica Goodling before her “rehabilitation” saying “I’ll just die if I don’t get this recipe. I’ll just die if I don’t get this recipe. I’ll just die if I don’t get this recipe….”

A lifetime’s supply of Babpupten*

*A kitten inside a puppy inside a baby, roasted at 350 degree heat for six hours

Teh funny Sadly! No posts.

OH SNAP!

the other half of 3 Bulls asses.

the other half of 3 Bulls’ asses.

I’d be more concerned about what he’s got in the Dread-Cthulu-sized Mosler safes.

the other half of 3 Bulls’ asses.

Right next to the square circles? C’mon, Kathleen, now you’re talking crazy talk.

Teh funny Sadly! No posts.

Teh non-ingrate version of Legalize …

Kathleen: So, the full ass?

The Democrat Joe Lieberman

His last shred of human decency

The pony

Gary Ruppert’s collection of facts

AnnieLimpy’s man-hair wax

Kevin’s spank sock… I mean, Kevin’s spare lawn mower. Yeah, that’s the ticket.

Oh. Now I get the title.

A stone with the words “Peace on Earth” written on the underside

The cryogenically preserved livers of Francisco Franco, Ed Gein, and Papa Doc Duvalier.

Seven dehydrated orangutang testicles.

812 photographs of penguins wearing latex.

The complete Wild Man Fischer discography.

Teh Real Dick Cheney.

The spines of most Democratic politicians.

“Other Priorities”. Yes, he’s still got them.

Very funny post.

i think we are talking isle of man sized, so with that in mind:

the money. it’s where he keeps all the money to pay the people who support him. and maybe the bitches. but mostly the money. halliburton KBR money, iraq money, money for michael ledeen, money to spread around to keep his wife occupied, money for the blood transfusion operations (those babies don’t come cheap, what with the exsanguination and all), money for GWB’s allowance, and yes, i’ll go with the above and say money to pay the twins to gyrate naked in his office for him, and above all, money to keep a heart surgeon under his desk 24/7.

A cask of Amontillado
A tell-tale heart
A raven
A hound of the Baskervilles
Cousin It

Soma. Soma for everyone. ‘Cause it’s almost time.

Teh Grape Kool-Aid….

mikey

*the newspaper boy’s two dollars

*the newspaper boy

Lenin’s makeup tips?

Higgs boson?
Klein bottle?
I would say that we have a physicist troll baiting =)

My guess
The escape peaks
The 511Kev line

Judge Pearson’s missing pants.

he loves the safe.
don’t matter whats in it.

Osama bin Laden, to be brought out when George’s poll numbers hit negative 3 percent.

a different brad said,

240 dollars worth of pudding

That’s a whole lot a’ puddin’.

Ha! That’s a funny thought. Osama’s sitting in there, in a Barcalounger, with a remote and a bag of cheetohs, hollering “Deek? I gotta have HBO. Feex thees peece o’sheet, in the name of all that’s holy!!”

mikey

the real slim shady

scott baio frozen in carbonite

ann coulter’s penis

the kids, the rabbit AND the trixx

vanilla ice’s other amazing single

michael jackson’s negritude

elvis

my remaining dignity

hope

Numerous haikus
That mock the Vice President
And their author too.

Someone help me please!
I’m locked inside Cheney’s safe,
And I can’t get out!

“Teh non-ingrate version of Legalize …”

Hey, now. I contributed proudly to teh non-funnay. 🙁

A small lump of black, smoking Pure Evil. Inside a toaster oven.

Tapes of all the John Roberts/Nino Scalia M4M hotline chats. (Even on those little microcassettes, the complete collection takes up more room than you’d think.)

And another sixteen vials of sperm (collected via electrojaculation) representing Liz Cheney’s next few offspring. Line breeding, bitches!

Monopoly (NASCAR Edition mint in the box)
Shotgun Shells
Michael Jackson
Extra Space Shuttle Insulator Tiles
Peanuts (salted/shelled)
Barrel of acid
Lotion
Duct Tape
Ether
A New Car!

And a baby’s arm, holding an apple….

mikey

Hey, now. I contributed proudly to teh non-funnay. 🙁

Teh apologetic version of D.A.

The Ace of Spades

• Puppets made from real pups
• A small child-size sled
• The uncensored Book of Revelations
• A 78 of “I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles”
• Bubbles the chimp

A large stack of freeze-dried Republicans, ready for rehydration come election-time

Cheney’s personal stash of high-grade skunk weed

A mummified monkey’s paw with the power to grant its owner three wishes

Three slumbering vampire maidens, and an empty casket layered with earth from an undisclosed location

Godot

The shotgun pellets pulled out of that lawyers face…

Dick Cheney’s original heart…

I has a safe
But i forgots tha combination

An intricately-carved sea chest with ornate brass hinges.
A bicycle.

– The collected works of DeSelby, MacCruiskeen?

• A difficult pancake

An elvish sword of great antiquity

An inflatable Richard Nixon
A battery operated pump
Baby oil (rendered from real babies)
A Puncture repair kit
Tyler Durden

Captain America’s shield

Captain America, alive

Kryptonite butt plug

Excalibur, thrust into the heart of a Medusa-calcified Albert Einstein

Jim Morrison

Hitler’s missing testicle

The issue of Playboy featuring Marilyn Lange, against which no woman who has ever lived may compare, pages Scotchgarded

The cryogenically-preserved Khan Noonien Singh

Small black crystal, composition unknown, purpose unknown, powers unknown

Half a package of peanut butter-cheese crackers

The elevator to the chambers underneath the Naval Observatory, where dead Nixon lies dreaming

and…

a card table for our Friday night AD&D group. Dick’s such a fucking rule lawyer, I tell you what.

Mah bukkit.

Hope.

Cardenio

The collected works of DeSelby, MacCruiskeen?

The brother is in there too.

A recipe for delicious Kentucky-style fried chicken, involving a blend of various herbs and spices, possibly numbering eleven

Hey, I’m smoking that…

And a baby’s arm, holding an apple….

Lined up with a Las Vegas wedding, a Mexican divorce, and a solid gold Kama Sutra coffeepot?

A doorway into another dimension; a dimension of sight and sound; the dimension which is NOT The Twilight Zone.

[…] D. Aristophanes (”Sadly, No!”) contacted Sadly, No! Research Labs to learn what Dick Cheney keeps in those ‘man-size Mosler safes.’ Answers: * The master blueprint for the man-size Mosler safe * Anyone who ever saw the master blueprint for the man-size Mosler safe * Anyone who has ever worked for the Mosler Safe Company * Multiple clones from which to harvest replacements for failed organs […] * Richard Nixon’s frozen sperm […] * One ring to rule them * The memories of Alberto Gonzales […] * Fake passport, disguise, plane tickets to Brazil […] * Talking points to distribute following major terrorist attack on Nov. 2, 2008 […]