Gahhh!! Get me some brain bleach, STAT! Must. Get. Rid. Of. Incestuous. Mental. Image. NOW!

Yaiee! Believe me: I imagined no such thing!

[scoops brain out with a melon baller]

That’s bullshit!

We’re just getting into watching Lost on DVD, and Hurley said he’s getting tired of boar.

Nonsense!!

Pork is too versatile: there’s bacon, cutlets, chops, ribs, bacon, shredded pork, ham, bacon, prosciutto, ham steak, deli-sliced smoked ham, spiral cut maple-glazed Virginia ham, kalua pig covered with pineapple rings with a side of poi served by a handsome young Samoan Fire Knife Dancer, rashers of bacon, and a pig sandwich served with pig sauce, pig slaw and pulled pork.

Heh. Pulled pork.

For a brief, brief, moment, I have a little respect for Press Secretaries.

Yaiee! Believe me: I imagined no such thing!

You must give to the William B. Wiener, Jr. Foundation as penance.

Shorter SadlyNo:

I’ve no ideas.

Shorter Gavin:

“I’m gay, but unwilling to state it”. Get over it Gavin. We have.

Shorter Firedoglake:

“We hate America, but we like women. A lot.”

Shorter SadlyNo:

I’ve no ideas.

Thank God someone has finally had the courage to say it. You deserve a sandwich.

Shorter Kos:

“We just hate America.”

Shorter HufPo:

“We hate America as it is, but are hopeful that we can make it into the likeness of some other nation, like Mexico or France. Things work out so well in those countries.”

Holy crap. Pork aside, Mirengogg’s daughter works for the Examiner? The Examiner?!?! Teh Ex-smam-iner?!?!?!11111!!!!1!!@#!@FASD

Seriously, that paper is crap. Craptastic even. Free. Tabloid. A mouthpiece for some outta town winger. (Philip Anschutz, if you care to wiki … I’m too lazy for tags.)

And she’s an intern.

Me, to bed. My hangover awaits. Ask me about Cialis.

Shorter Atrios:

I got nothin’ 🙁 Haven’t read that tripe in ages. Do hippies still read eschalon?

Shorter pie: π

Shorter Michelle Malkin:

Americans are in the position to save the world and promote democracy, unless the hippies get in the way.

Longer Kevin: Durrrr! G’duh! G’donkkkk! (thud)

Shorter SadlyNo:

I don’t understand capitalism, since it’s so mindbogglingly complex, so I’m against it!

I challenge Kevin to a fistfight. Venue: The Summer of Love. Weapons: Our engorged cocks.

Hehe, I’m glad that at least some of you get the ridicu(locity?) of “Shorter xxx”.

Aris, you’ve chose the venue, so I get to choose the weapon. I choose BMG-50’s. Bet you have to look that up :). Bet.

Shorter liberalism:

America is bad for the world.

I choose fermented pig shit unearthed from a six-month burial in tropical soil.

Shorter Progressivism:

We totally screwed up the word ‘liberalism’, so we changed our name!

Shorter Socialism:

Sadlyno.com

Shorter communism:

sadlyno.com in a few years.

Hey, this ‘shorter xxx’ is almost as funny as John[sic] Stewart looking stunned when someone disagrees with his analysis! Let’s do some more.

Shorter Ace of Spades:

Liberals are ridiculous.

Shorter Gleen Greenwald:

I am self-serving.

g’night!

I choose BMG-50’s. Bet you have to look that up :). Bet.

I choose weaponized liver flukes.

I choose a half-novena recited by a blind Andorran leper.

I choose a game of hopscotch within 10 meters of an ongoing criticality accident.

I choose a chronic case of anal string warts.

I choose an old man eating a stale sandwich down by the river alone.

shorter kevin: ZOMG PLZ LOOK AT ME!!!!!!!11!! AT MEEEEEEE!!!!!11111!!111! OVER HEEEEEERE!11!111!

I’ve said it before, but if someone doesn’t take that damn dog for walkies he’s gonna ruin the rug.

BMG .50 are for pussies who need to compensate.

Real men use .357 Sig.

Feeling any need to try out new ban software, Gavin? Brad?

I choose BMG-50’s.

I love gun nuts who can’t get the names right. Hey, Kev? Are you sure about that “BMG-50”? You wouldn’t rather have a “Smith & Westin”? Or a “34 Magnum”?

And BMG .50 is a round, not a weapon. What are you going to do, stand there and prod the other guy with a bullet?

Hm.

I can’t quite put my finger on who “Kevin” reminds me of, but when “Kevin” posts, I can almost see little hearts floating down the screen.

Weird!!

I’m so glad it wasn’t me who posted this. I am simply too nice of a person.

Also this was funnier than I could have been.

A mouthpiece for some outta town winger. (Philip Anschutz, if you care to wiki … I’m too lazy for tags.)

I did not know that Anschutz was a winger. That is depressing, as his support for Major League Soccer has always led me to regard him favorably. Now I’m all conflicted and shit.

Hey, this ’shorter xxx’ is almost as funny as John[sic] Stewart looking stunned when someone denies the reality that is staring the rest of us in the face!

Fixed your spam – er, comment, Kevin.

BMG 50 is slang for ‘.50 Caliber Browning Machine Gun’, Frankie. These days, you’re right, it’s just a bullet, but it used to be a weapon (aka M4? Not sure). And I was talking about the weapon. I forgot the left isn’t big on guns. I certainly wasn’t talking about the sniper rifles that use them these days. What kind of duel would that be? Though we could duel with just bullets if you’d like! .34 magnum, .35 magnum, whatever it takes.

Someguy, oddly enough, that’s the only pistol I own! My review: It’s very loud.

Aristophocles, you chose the venue, you don’t get to choose the weapon! It’s some kind of law.

Shorter Kevin:

“That Emmanuel Goldstein asshole really pisses me off!”

Can we return to the issue at hand? It’s code. Remove the camouflage words and you get:

“Sometimes I feel guilty that I get excited about porking my daughter, Emily, in the ear, and leaving a mark.”

And there’s no shame in that. Who wouldn’t?

Shouldn’t feed the sad little overcompensator but the Browning .50 Cal is absolutely in service it is the preferred weapon on Strykers and M-1114’s (and the newer models they are all humvees with a crap load of armor. Stryker is different) in Iraq since it is more versatile and durable than a Mark-19 (great in a fied field position a little to limited for much of urban combat) and is a hell of a lot more intimidating than a 240B. And maybe it was once refered (first to admit my spelling is terrible; years of the crutch of spell check has taken it’s toll) as the BMG .50 but everyone just calls it the .50 Cal and I don’t believe anyoe calls it the M2 you get strange looks.

Shorter Kevin… if my dick was any shorter, I’d have to talk about guns all the time.

Kevin-

We own more guns than you think, bro. Way to buy into the right-wing bullshit.

No, we call it the ma-deuce all the time.

Shorter Kevin: Woo hoo! … LIBRULS!!!!!111!!!11!!1!!

Joe Don Baker…

IS…

Kevin…

In this summer blockbuster
where the sounds of indigestion
are accepted as viable arguments!

.50 Caliber Pie? What’s that about?

Simple Kevin
He’s about eleven
Going to a Gun Show
Now Simple Kevin
Maybe he’s just seven
A lot of shit he don’t know…

mikey

I now declare this thread…Kevinned.

Thenkew.

*exhausted royal wave*

Erm. I was told there would be pie.

Erm. I was told there would be pie.

No, but there is some π

I believe the weapon was already chosen in the photo. Zeppelins at 50 paces.

BMG 50 is slang for ‘.50 Caliber Browning Machine Gun’, Frankie.

I learnt that playing Medal of Honor all day.

You guys watch Joe Don Baker movies?

Kev, this is why you shouldn’t have skated by on Cliff’s Notes for as far as you went in your education.

“Shorter” is not the automatic summarization of the author’s intended theme, but rather some aspect of the piece that when point out actually undermines the authors intent, shows his true agenda or bias or makes him or her less than credible. Once read, the shorter now makes the orginal works shortcomings seem obvious now, even when reading the original on it’s own terms.

Your own

Shorter SadlyNo:

I’ve no ideas.

doesn’t make the rather lenghty discussion of various ideas here (and just today alone) look even the least bit different for you criticsm. Hang on though, maybe we can help. What would Kevin do if he had some substance to him (besides not being a troll, obviously)

Shorter Gavin M.: The massively depressing fact that a Democratic controlled Congress can’t reform it’s self-serving spending practices as they promised they would is no match for my childish sex jokes. Paul Mirengoff is funny looking; just look at him, will ya. Bet I made you forget.

People of wit and erudition never insult in a crude, direct way. I hope that teaches you, now fuck off, idiot.

Oh, but that’s not short enough!

Shorter Gavin M.:

• The depressing fact that a Democratic-controlled Congress can’t reform it’s. . .Hee hee, Mirengoff said ‘pork.’

It’s a demanding form. One can tinker with a Shorter for hours.

I for one am profoundly insulted by the last two comments. I mean, anyone who reads S,N! a few times before joining in will be aware that there are rules to the art-form of Shortering; and even if they didn’t, Gavin has helpfully linked to the original examples. Explaining the Shorter here is an insult to the intelligence, like explaining that a Haiku is a different thing from a limerick…

What’s that? The thread’s been Kevinned?
Oh. Sorry. Carry on.

In order to Shorten a -essay, column- one must first READ it, and that’s the really hard part. I know I cannot do it myself. I admire Gavin’s courage and commitment!

Defining the shorter is all very well and good, but to master the form is something completely different. I wouldn’t dare to pretend to be the combined ad copy writer, beat poet, investgative journalist, literary critic and major-league asshole that it takes to become a master of the shorter art like Gavin. And that he does it after reading such crap that would leave us ordinary mortals hugging our American Standards makes him all the more amazing. God speed, Gavin.