In Which We Retire From Haiku-dom

Fred Thompson flack and Townhall blogger David Mertens has accomplished all that is possible with the form:

Fred Thompson will run
Keep your babies, and your guns
Terrorists, you’re done

Conservatives Know
Thompson is the man to beat
Go America!

For Law and Order
Inalienable rights
And Federalism!

I simply can’t compete with perfection. I quit.


Comments: 55


Sadly No! beats it
Conservative blogger is
King of the Haiku

a different brad

That’s….. not conservative, I thought. What does that word mean in crazywannablowuptheworld people’s language?


Today’s assignment: Imagine you are a wingnut. Now write a haiku. Jingoistic clichés are strongly encouraged.


Fred Thompson war guns
War fear guns Fred Thompson war
Abortion Fred war


How sad times are these
When liberals are beaten
By a rightwing hack?

The world is ending
of that I’m totally sure
Good night and good luck


Only a douchebag
Uses exclamation marks
In fucking haikus.


Can’t dig up Ronnie
Fred Thompson will have to do
B-actors lead us

I fear hispanics
Spanish billboards outrage me
I vote for hatred

Murkan jeebus war
Jesus hates fags and libs
Vote Fred Thompson

War war war war war
Fred Thompson gives us more war
At least on TV

Hil’ry frightens me
Terrists make me shit myself
I gotta vote Fred


Sorry, I don’t get Haiku:

Fred Thompson, “B” actor and Hack
Indistuinguishable from a nut smoking crack
Considered a Run
Waving a Flag and a Gun
But Brains, Ethics and Morals he Lacked



I saw him on TV
He’s not black or a woman
Fred Thompson’s my man


I don’t read too good
Law & Order was his show’s name
Good enough for me


lobbyist actor
fools dumb wingnuts already
no need to rent truck


Thompson understands
9/11 changed it all
Crush the fifth column!


Fred Thompson war guns
War fear guns Fred Thompson war
Abortion Fred war

That was an amazing recovery.


A fetid wind blows
through a barren, worthless waste
“vote Thompson!!!” haiku


Drinking beer with Bush
Decider smiles at Thompson
Codpiece changes hands

Thompson authentic
Whiskey Lobbyist Sexy
November burns him

Wingnuts cry for mama
Aging punks with Cheeto stain
Judgement wrong again


Fred Fucking Thompson
Kill-Cum Explosion Fuck Yeah
Some shit about snow

a different brad

Lefties do the stuff
my mom told me not to do
and so I hate them


Nine Eleven! Nine
Eleven! Nine Eleven!
And oh, by the way:

Nine Eleven! Nine
Eleven! Nine Eleven!


my dearest Mr. Mertens,
has five syllables

Santos L. Halper

I don’t read too good
Law & Order was his show’s name
Good enough for me

Superb, Prexy. Superb!


To answer a different brad: In in crazywannablowuptheworld people’s language “federalism” means it is ok to hate black people. Do a quick google search on “Ronald Reagan” and “Philadelphia MS” and all will be clear.


empty head and empty suit
beer with Fred Thompson


Codpiece changes hands


Fred for president
He’ll let us know what he’d do
At some future time


submitted without comment.


Fred Thompson’s famous
But so is Paris Hilton
It’s a conundrum


Teh Tennessean’s Lament

First we brought you Frist,
Then there were Lamar! and Fred.
Well, there’s still Al Gore.


Boldly striding Fred
He has a plan for us all
And now, here it is:


Not just is Fred back
Half-aged wife has superb rack
Think she works the pole?


Face like sharpei’s ass
Mediocre senator
Republicans doomed


What steely gaze!
What gravelly voice!
Possesseth Fred,
The People’s choice

Fred’s one tough cookie
It’s plain to see
Did I mention he’s from

He’s tough as nails
Our tough, tough Fred
Made of tough stuff
Like Tuff-Made Bread

Which is the bread
All tough guys eat,
(Or so I’m told)
On Tough Guy Street

And on that street
Fred is the toughest
With this country’s foes
He is the roughest

He’s rough on the French
And evil-doers
He’ll protect us all
From gay swear-word spewers

Fred’s tough on gays!
Well, let them squirm
Fred makes this straight man’s
Cock grow firm

Firm, and in a non-gay way,
Also long and hard and tall
(In a way that’s not, I say,
Not gay, not one tiny bit at all)

Good gosh!
I’d love to have a beer
With Fred … he’d talk,
I’d lend an ear

And he’d hold my tush
Just like so
As he rocked me gently

And then to sleep
In Fred Thompson’s lap
The kind of patriotic lap
That takes no shit and takes no crap!
Click on over & look at the high-quality website they produce. Couldn’t find any haikus sent by the no doubt excessively litertate Fat Fred Fan Club, but you really can’t find anything there.


Oh Kay, here’s the haiku page:
The plea for haikus was on Clown Hall 15 May, there’s nothing yet posted. it did say the “best” haiku would be posted. The best one may not have been submitted yet.

Cradle robber Fred
Is a candidate for a
Massive heart attack

And the IRONY of typing “litertate” for literate when impugning the literacy of, well, everyone. HAW!!


What steely gaze!…

It looks like Fred helped DA get his groove back. Is there anything he can’t do?


Is there anything he can’t do?

Fred can’t leave Iraq
Or get turgid for boy butt
God crown this man king


Heh heh. Turgid. Heh heh….



Shitty actor is
Right-wing POTUS candidate
“There you go again”


I thought of this crap
And thought “Turgid needs more play”
Tent pitched in meadow


In the words of Mr Smarty Pants, dolphin entertainer from The Tick, “You’re just counting syllables!”

Seriously, if all you know about haiku, Mr Mertens, is 5-7-5, don’t embarrass yourself in public. Idiot.


Thompson enters raceMcCain and Rudy bow outDem landslide assured


Preview looked okay
So I pressed “Submit Comment”
W.T. F.?


Fred Thompson-fucktard
Would free criminal Scooter
Dumb motherfucker


What kind of wanker
Has man-crushes like this one
Die away from me


Trophy wife on arm
Joe knows who works the pole in
That creepy diad


He’s just sixty-four
But looks like Methusaleh
After a bender


Come to think of it
Haiku is pretty easy
Enough for tonight


J. Lo and A-Rod
Got nothing on the cornchip
Fred “FreTo” Thompson


Though Brains, Ethics and Morals he Lacked,
And his acting is that of a hack,
The nomination he’ll get,
Like a beginner’s luck bet,
Because the goopers just want Ronnie back!

(This preview feature
does wierd things to the spaces
between my text lines.)


A hillbilly actor named Fred
Faced the cam’ra, and these words he said:
“If y’all vote for me
To head the GOP,
I’ll kill all of them sand nigras dead.”


Wears Armani suits,
Bangs a younger, wealthy chick:
Truly one of us.


You are all so dumb
You will elect an actor
For his honesty


He’s just sixty-four
But looks like Methusaleh
After a bender

OH MY GOD! It’s funny because it’s TRUE!

Oh, That's Just George

One for any of the wingnuts who may have concerned themselves with the question:

Fred Thompson’s not gay
He just wears all that makeup
To look alive on TV

Oh, That's Just George

Oh crap, I committed a “Mertens Extension” on the last line.

Fred Thompson’s not gay
He just wears all that makeup
To look, um… alive

There, that’s better.


Counting syllables
Is not how you write haiku;
The subject matters.


Scolding us for fun
With a humorless haiku?
Turds on a spring lawn.


(comments are closed)