Haiku of Townhall

Used to do this semi-regularly* over at Parrotline:

John Boehner

O! The perfidy!
Corrupt and secretive Dems!
Regards, Sen. Chutzpah

Matt Barber

Would-be top doc sez:
Don’t stick stuff up my ass, fagzz!
My head’s got first dibs!

Kathleen Parker

Men’s health? Women’s health?
It’s a zero-sum game, peeps!
So … weiner-take-all!

Oliver North


David Limbaugh

God to Democrats:
Let’s … get … ready … to … rummmmmmmmmmmmble!
Take that, Bruce Buffer!

Charles Krauthammer

Foul Democracy
I grow weary of your yoke
Shall no man be King?

Mona Charen

YAY … for ignorance!
BOO … for a sick kid’s mother!
G-O-O-O-O … cell clusterings!

Burt Prelutsky

Kill the heretics!
Pour boiling oil on peasants!
Teh Dark Ages roolzz!!!!!1!

Lorie Byrd

In Lib La-La Land
All the starlets graze on mush
And Al Gore is fat

Rich Lowry

Terror plot tells us
We’re simultaneously
More safe and less safe

Fred Thompson

Iran? Hostages?
That’s some Reagan-y goodness!
There I go again!

Eric Peters

First they came for the
Small trucks, but I like Big Macs
Or something like that

Victor Davis Hanson

I could spit you some
War shit 24-7
Mu’fuckazz … yeh boyyyyyy



Comments: 112


Fuck Townhall sideways
Urine-drinkers and morons
Smell of stale ass-lube


I need more of this
Ridicule in verse is cool
(But they’re too short to


Alternative Ollie North:

Aaagh aakk aaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aagg
GAAAAAHKAaaaaaaaakkkkhhhssss zzzzzz.

a different brad

I had never seen
a boner cry, but CSpan
can be weird sometimes.

I know it’s not pronounced boner.


Marie Jon’:

I’d do Fred Thompson
You hippies are out of luck
Drink my gold Kool-Aid


How about a haiku that explains the difference between “cutting off funding” and “funding the end of the war”?

Democrats are playing the same old “depends on what ‘is’ means” game, and it won’t work now.

America is against withdrawal and against Democrat funds to cut off funds for our troops. That’s why Democrats caved, because they know that they would have lost their majority if they allowed for the funding for our troops to end.


Gary Ruppert:

I can’t do haiku
But the same damned thing again?
I got that covered.

Smiling Mortician

Gary plugs his ears
and goes “la la” real loud. At
least he’s not Kevin.


I bow to you all
Can barely type this pale verse
Pop fills my keyboard


Jonah Goldberg any time:

I think this, mostly.
Maybe dummies think that. Fine.
Look there. Wow! Payday!


I hate to be pedantic about this (and if you knew me you would know that I have little choice in the matter) but what we have here looks more like a bunch of attempted senryu than it does a bouquet of haiku.

I’m sorry. Carry on.


Yeah yeah plum blossom,
Seasonal metaphor here,
More nature down here.


You need to fit in some references to seasons in there.

Gary need a foe,

Democracy dies under,

A wing nut winter.


Someone else knew this,

Words about nature and stuff,

Crows peck at my eyes.

Herr Doktor Bimler

Head aches once again
Drank weizenbier in autumn
Single malt last night.


Clams conquer Laos
A slime-mold vomits milkshakes
Pudenda season


Milking laughs from those
moron wingnut pundits pays
less than being one.


Among commenters
None can compete with Gary
The Koufax is his


a different brad said,

I know it’s not pronounced boner.

Since I live in Ohio now, I think I have the authority to grant you full boner pronunciation privleges.

It describes the man perfectly.





Gary, good to see you still lack even the most basic junior high school understanding of the American system of government. Do me a favor. Don’t EVER read anything. It’s all lies anyway. And it would wreck your innocent idiocy…



freaking brilliant


Mmmm, Hai Karate.
That’s a man’s scent, yesirree.
Haiku’s for sissies.


What do Reichtards fear?
Democracy, freedom, joy —
Bacon and playdoh…


Why, Gary Ruppert!
What a delightful turd you’ve
Tossed in the punch bowl


Dems are idiots
Republicans are no better
what’s on the tv?


Why can’t Kevin count
Seven syllables not eight
A child left behind?


pie pie pie pie pie
pie pie pie pie pie pie pie
pie pie pie pie pie


What, no “The fact is…”?
I’m disappointed, Gary
Try harder next time


Teh Ace’s Lament

Feminists are sluts
No, wait; they’re all lesbians
Oh, I’m so confused!


Hey, this is fun. Here’s a limerick.

There once was a blogger named Brittney
Whose use of a quote was quite shitty.
JG blew a gasket
The blogger, quite fast, quit
And everyone lost. More’s the pity.


I don’t know from the JG flame war
I dunno who’s the pimp or the whore
I didn’t go read the thread
I thought it would quite hurt my head
So I thought I’d just lay here on the floor



While drinking scotch on a spring friday night
I had a thought that gave me quite a fright
What if wingnuts turned out
To know the answers throughout
And only acted stupid to spite.



I just couldn’t stop reading that thread
Hey, it starts with molesting the dead
And adds goofy excuses
And very short fuses
And everyone’s faces turned red


Righteous Bubba, that’s it in a nutshell.
There’s no way this all will turn out well.
What just chaps my ass
Is the wingnuts laugh last
And we’re left in an “eat our own” self-hell.

Okay, that’s pretty clunky.


I couldn’t stop typing my thoughts
Whether insults or pithy bon mots
But I couldn’t push “post”
So avoided the roast
Of the bonfire of can’t-be-wrong snots.


RB: “mots” doesn’t rhyme with “thoughts” and “snots.”


It’s a limerick. Of course it does.



I know what you mean. I, too, typed
A few snarly remarks, overhyped
With outraged indignation
But self-preservation
Prevailed, and the comments I wiped.


Best to say nothing, I think
When the outrage spills out of the sink
And down on to the floor
And out past the front door
And you need to call Net Plumbers Inc.


The General may have been a bit hasty
But Brittney’s post made her seem pasty
She could have just said
What she meant in her head
As for eating our own? Well, they’re tasty!


There once was a jackass called Smantix
Who pissed off the left with his antics
Sadly, a schism
Was the result of his jism
Being discovered somewhere besides the stuck-together pages of ’24’ fan-fics

(last line is waaaaay too long for a limerick … oh well)


(last line is waaaaay too long for a limerick … oh well)

Two from a past Sadly thread:

There once was a young man called Sven
Who’d been OCD since way back when
He’d count peas on his plate
And make wall-hangings straight
And this kind of thing would drive him nuts.

An obsessive-compulsive named Rex
Was a slave to his syndrome’s effects
He’d wash hands night and day
And then got carried away
On a stretcher after he read this part of the limerick and threw himself under a bus.

And As for eating our own? Well, they’re tasty! is funny.


Whatever happened to Lime Rickey?


Sadly, No!: Your source
For sammiches and wingnuts,
bacon and play-doh


Tis male ego, I fear, that’s at stake
When a minor-league female will take
Her leave quickly, with sorrow
No thought for tomorrow
Yet himself cannot say: “a mistake.”


And As for eating our own? Well, they’re tasty! is funny.

The last line is first
When a limerick is born
Rhymes they ain’t easy


There once was a paste-eater named Jeff
Who was more incoherent than Swedish Chef
He’d slap you with his cock
And slobber on Bush’s jock
Hey, it’s easier than getting published his roman a clef


There once was a troll named Gary
Whose response to every liberal query
Was contrived wingnut crap
And recycled RNC pap
The fact of the matter is that he’s scary

a different brad

My face may be red
but at least i annoyed ilyka
which makes jebus smile

a different brad

*pretends ilyka is one syllable*


Boys don’t say “I’m sorry” it’s true
We’ll jump up and down and fling poo
Instead of fence-mending
To make a quick ending
Because really, WhatWouldRamboDo?


There once was a Perfesser named Glenn
who rested George Bush’s balls on his chin
He said, “Kill all the Iraqis
And put nanobots in my sacky
So I can be a hack forever and again!”

(OK, that was terrible. Sorry. Kinda fucked up right now.)


There once was a wanker from Sacto
Tacky in name, speech and acto
Mencken published his picture
Contra made-up wingnut stricture
Tacky got wacky ipso facto


There once was a wingnut named Hugh
Who didn’t have anything better to do
than to salad-toss Mitt Romney
thoroughly: picking the turd from the hominy
Without even the self-respect to say, “P.U.!”


Ok, that’s the most horrible thing ever. I’d better quit.


What a difference it’d make if, just once,
Some ol’ guy would admit he’s the dunce.
It’d thrill us to hell
And chimpanzees, they smell
And because, after all, Rambo sux.

a different brad

There once was a thing called Malkin
who needed help with some caulkin
But she was scared of spanish speakers
so she hired some tweakers
help me to help you to chuckle a tiny, tiny bit with a closing line


Hey guys, I can go all night.


a different brad:

“…and now she wonders why they’re balkin’.”

Okay, maybe I’m done.


A permanent lackey called Scooter
Sucked goop from his boss’s toot-tooter
But now inmates will savour
The ivy-league flavour
Because Scooter’s just not a square shooter

a different brad

ideally it’d end with her becoming a tweaker and “feelin bugs on her skin a’walkin”
but not really space enough to do all that


Nah, y’all keep goin. Don’t let my intoxicated vulgarity ruin the show! I’ll erase my limericks if it’ll help!


The Insta-wedding proceeded at speed
She: “I do.” He: “Heh, indeed.”
Then they closed their suite door
(Update: Lileks has more)
Please, Lord, may that pair never breed

C Nelson Reilly

A high school haiku that won a cheesy prize and baffled my really old teacher:

Mayonnaise is not
As bad as some people think
But I don’t like it


diff brad:

Now her Vents feature reallyfasttalkin’


The Insta-wedding


The clanking went on through the night
Drilling beeping and boops ’til first light
After cyborg-sex sorties
They swilled 10W40s
And switched to the back-side drill site

a different brad

That works well.
I’d try more but the retardo-hash seduced me so I’m going to stick to being the peanut gallery for a while.


After the US left Vietnam
Dolchstosslegende was the plan
The neocons decried
The treason they spied
And ate powdered Kool-Aid from the can


Kevin once cut down some trees
While pitiful hippies begged “Please!
These trees you must spare!
Look, a lawn over there!”
So Kev hopped on the mower with glee…s

A suitably shitty limerick for a shitty troll.

a different brad

Bacon and playdoh
may well describe Pam Atlas
now you can shoot me

a different brad

Except I forgot
that bacon isn’t kosher
so i am the fool


Between Aunt B and the General
Was the flame-war of the centennial
Though it was a bloodbath
I can’t help but laugh:
For the left this crap is perennial


a different brad hogged the hash
And wouldn’t share with us his stash
Poor Jrod was irate
“Well, I guess it’s my fate
You don’t get hashish without cash.”


There is a fat slob named ab Hugh
Who eats sammiches bigger than you
He fills up the room
As he sits playing DooM
But he’s a real warrior! It’s true!

a different brad

i am a lookist
if i can’t look at your vag
you will get no hash


There once was a virgin named Ace
Who would never get red in the face
For being scared of box
He’d just say “Irony rocks!”
And he’s of my gender, what disgrace!

a different brad

i am serious
i sure hates me some wimmin
still, free hash for vag

a different brad

ok, maybe it’s time to go back to acknowledging i’m too blonked to be a proper member of polite society

a different brad

it is very late
hashish makes my brain thicken
so this is good nite


“Happy Holidays!” I said to the nut
Who, with great indignation, screamed “What?
Don’t you love baby Christ?
Xmas you won’t heist!”
The stupidity knocked me on my butt

a different brad

n sorry about those last couple haikus


Pam Oshry was not
allowed to enter Israel
Gee, I wonder why?

Oh, right, gotta mention seasons.

Fall, two-thousand-six
Republicans got spanked, but
Dems are still quite lame

Jefferson took bribes
from who? who knows? but it’s one
less Donk in the House

Newt Gingrich resigned
in disgrace awhile ago
now he’ll be Prez? Ha!


Two-Minute Townhall
Is the best thing SN does
but this is better

Haiku is easy
As long as you are awake


Apparently, I missed the Sadly No Late Night “Poetry” ‘n’ Hashish Slam. (Scare quotes intentional.) And now all the good wingnuts are taken (either in haiku or limerick format — now there’s an interesting juxtaposition).

Well, that horse may be dead, but ain’t nothin’ gonna stop me kickin’ it a few more times… but let’s try a different format.

Ring-a-ding wing-a-ding
Dinesh D’Souza
Blamed U.S. liberals
For the jihad.

“Be like the Islamists,
then we’ll be safe
both at home and abroad.”


Take heed of the story of Ace O’,
who wrote of the bacon and Play-Doh.
Quoth the truculent bloke,
“It was only a joke.”
To this day he has yet to get laid though.


Paris melts in June
Habeas iced at GITMO
Can’t wait for The Fall

Hysterical Woman

Summer brings bright sun,
Crickets sing in the moonlight,
Kevin’s still a douche.


There once was an Angel named Annie
Who’d get mad if you called her a trannie
But what of Shoelimpy?
Her sock, or her pimpy?
Their great love of pie was uncanny


The limericks are starting to get old
If I may take a position so bold
Though I don’t blame it on you
The Haiku sucks too
About now a new post would be gold



Michelle Malkin, acclaimed right-wing beast
Once suffered infection from yeast
“Damn those islamofascies
They got in my panties!
Now we must bomb Iran, at least”

Smiling Mortician

Rainy Saturday.
Mikey hits refresh again.
Still the damn haikus.


Gary’s sure to know what the fact is
thanks to Drudge and daily blast faxes.
Sure, it’s all a big lie,
half-truths in disguise,
but such is Republican praxis.


I have a good friend named mortician
Smiling, as is his tradition
But with a Haiku, hardly art
He drove a stake through my heart
But I’ll still bang “Refresh”. It’s my mission



A dead chrysanthemum
and yet – isn’t there still something
remaining in it?

He says a word,
and I say a word – autumn
is deepening.

The winds that blows –
ask them, which leaf on the tree
will be next to go.

A gold bug –
I hurl into the darkness
and feel the depth of night.

I wrote that all by myself.


This thing you’re reading?
It’s my opinion, got it?
(They bought it. Cha-ching!)

shane's dentist's attorney's bookie

cold reagan slumbers,

sip peggy noonan’s flower,
its just not the same.


Edit! ‘Cause I’m a dork like that and don’t like the double sure.

Gary’s sure to know Gary always knows what the fact is


I am a dumbass
Spent too long fucking with blogs
Bathroom still dirty


This is, well, this is not good:

A Randroid, devoid of class
Muslim babies her daily repast
Pam hits the tubes
For a new set of boobs
And a ride on John Bolton’s mustache


There one was a weirdo named Steyn,
who got pissed up on Vodka & Lime,
Onto Hugh’s show he’d go,
Spoutin’ like’s on blow,
but in reality he is asinine


cold reagan slumbers,
sip peggy noonan’s flower,
its just not the same.

SDAB, are you saying what I think you are saying? If so, that’s actually very good, but.. Eeeewwwwwwwww.

Qetesh the Abyssinian

I’m a lazy cat.
Work, alas, lies awaiting,
Forever it seems.

Qetesh the Abyssinian

I could do something,
But bugger that for a lark,
I’d mess up my fur.

Qetesh the Abyssinian

Right wingers? Who cares.
Frothing lips a-quiver with
Rank insanity.

Thanky’ verr’ much.


Spring becomes summer
pollen continues to fall
like W’s polls.


Yes, but Christian conservatives don’t cherry pick the Bible for partisan political benefit. Christian conservatives don’t espouse radical secular values, and they aren’t at war with Christian principles.

<haiku>David Limbaugh bleats:Cherry Picking? Not us! Butlibs do all season.</haiku>

<limerick>There once was a pundit, David LimbaughWhose double standards could give you lockjaw”Cherry-picking the Bible?Only libs do it – no libel!”Such blatant asshattery leaves me in awe.</limerick>


gah…preview screwed me over… let’s try that again:

David Limbaugh bleats:
Cherry Picking? Not us! But
libs do all season.

There once was a pundit, David Limbaugh,
Whose double standards could give you lockjaw
�Cherry-picking the Bible?
Only libs do it – no libel!â€?
Such blatant asshattery leaves me in awe.

Qetesh the Abyssinian

Marie Jon”””’

I am wingnutest
Pulling words out of my arse,
“Appalling reagan”.


I don’t mind that my room has no door
But the absence of floor I deplore
Walking around
Without touching the ground
Is worrying me more and more

Not mine, but it reminds me of the insane people who feature on this site from time to time. People who are willing to ignore glaring flaws ect ect sic.


My ancestors were foreign jerk-offs
It’s such a shame
They gave that up.

I have fantasized about myself
Because no one else
would bother

The horse unwilling
The reins not mine
The water shallow
My head soft


Would-be top doc sez:
Don’t stick stuff up my ass, fagzz!
My head’s got first dibs!

ha ha!

Oh man, that’s funny….and plenty of good submissions in the comments as well!


(comments are closed)