Can I Borrow A Feeling?
Over at Hooty Hoo Hewitt’s blog, Patrick Ruffini calls our attention to an exciting new initiative by Congressman Eric Cantor (R-VA). Eric is sick and tired of certain people (*coughDEMOCRATScough*) who are always criticizing the ideas of others, but have no ideas of their own, and he’s going to do something about it! Of course, he doesn’t have any ideas of his own either, so he’d like to steal some of yours!
Above: “Sigh. Okay, Congressman, let’s go over it one more time.
‘Build a teepee, come inside, close it tight…’ TIGHT! Christ.”
Working closely with the El Salvadorian orphans employed by his “Solutions Factory”, Cantor has plucked the freshest fruits of the Virginia GOP’s voter base, and the ideas are DYNAMITE! Clearly, no member of the left-wing “blame America first” party can compete with the ragin’ rapids of the Republican renewal — not when they’re spitting out brilliant ideas like these every time you hit ‘refresh’ on your browser:
- Stop employing illegal aliens as Senators, and make sure Congressmen are wearing proper safety gear when they operate meat slicers and drill presses on the floor of the Capitol Building.
- Give special legal status to “Nations we do not like and will have nothing to do with”.
- Repeal the power of Congress to tax the citizenry, and pay for the Army and stuff with, I dunno, magic beans or whatever.
- Ask people if they can say things, and see if it arouses them.
- Substitute one word for another and watch everything get totally better overnight.
- Stop letting government officials name vegetables and asteroids after themselves.
- Entrust the safety and security of our nation to Wikipedia.
Of course, not every great idea comes from Virginia Republicans! Hugh’s readers sound off with their own fascinating ideas for better government, including: “LOVE of country…………….MORE love of country………………YET MORE love of country……………..APPRECIATION of American Exceptionalism…………….Clarity about the essence of islam, which is jihad”; “a leader with no conscience when it comes to advancing conservative principles, destroying Democrats, marginalizing the Media, killing Islamofascists, and ignoring world opinion”; and praying for “the only thing that can save Conservatism now” — that is, “a massive catastrophe, such as a terrorist attack on mainland America. Something along the order of a suitcase nuke on a major American city.”
Now that’s an idea we can ALL get behind! Hooray for the Solutions Factory!
This country needs millions of people killed so we can realize that millions of people could, in theory, be killed. That’ll learn us.
…. oh, wait. Bull said we need to be attacked so we won’t end up drowning in poor people. And it wasn’t to save the country, but “Conservatism”.
Y’know, this makes me think of that Vietnam protester who set himself on fire outside McNamara’s office. He cared so much he sacrificed himself. These fuckers care so much they’ll sacrifice anyone but themselves. How the fuck do these people convince themselves their opinions are worth forming? Sacrifice millions of lives so a bullshit ideology constructed to manipulate mouth-breathers and spare them pangs of conscience for being monstrous can keep benefiting 100,000 people or so. Yeah
And I’ve never noticed it before, but wtf is with B4B wanting your home address as part of registering for comments?
Oops, I mean Townhall.
That Solutions Factory is a treasure trove of right-wing kookery. I especially like this one by Steppy:
and this one by srevie:
By the way, Mister Leonard Pierce. Remember that picture of Mitt Romney you put up a few days ago? It looks like Romney could teach Eric Cantor a thing or two.
J —
Yeah, those are great, and they all appeared since I started this post! That’s the great thing about the Final Solutions Factory; like I said, it gets better every time you hit ‘refresh’.
Plus, there’s the whole autocannibalistic nature of the process: Republican congressman asks his constituents for ideas; ideas are submitted by the sort of right-wing zeroes who usually hang out on conservablogs; other right-wing zeroes who hang out on conservablogs say “boy, them’s some good ideas, right there!”; even more right-wing zeroes say the ideas are not right-wing enough and suggest their own. It’s like a beautiful, intricately timed ballet of stupidity.
Man this is awesome. One guy is wanting to end the direct election of Senators.
You’re not calling for a blogswarm, are you? Becuase that might result in pages and pages of submitted ideas that are even more ludicrous than the ones already submitted. Indeed, some people might take it into their heads to propose the most outrageous ideas they can think of, just to see how long it takes the site owners to disable the ability to submit new ideas, and that could be seen as an attack on every citizen’s First Amendment Rights.
Just in case this has already happened, and I won’t be able to post my ide there, here it is:
The U. S. Ambassador to the UN should make an announcement at the next general assembly, stating that in order to end Terrorism for once and all, the United States will no longer recognize the sovereignity of any other country, and the entire world is now a territory of the United States, subject to its laws and customs. All citizens of all countries who intend to comply peacefully with this will be required to sign loyalty oaths. Anyone not in compliance will be sentenced to death. Any country who willfully refuses to comply will have their cities nuked, in order of population size, until they submit.
Alright. Letters of Marque as a viable foreign policy. It’s not piracy or terrorism if we, umm, do it to them?
Is there some way we can get these approved as the ’08 Republican Party Platform?
Alright. Letters of Marque as a viable foreign policy.
Holy shit, His Grace. That’s A Jacksonian! Back in December 2006, when Ye Ole Professor solicited from fellow wingnuts proposals for stabilizing Iraq, A Jacksonian was the star. You know you got a good seminar going if A Jacksonian is at the table.
Comedy. Gold.
here is one guy commenting on why the suggestion to get rid of Congressional staff is a bad idea: Without staff congressional representatives would be even more beholden to the free services of ACLU and NAMBLA lobbyists.
that guy … doesn’t have a good grasp on reality.
Man, I missed that it was A Jacksonian J. He has the bestest ideas ever.
The United States shall not sanction state-sponsored censorship abroad.
Enforced porn!
Man this is awesome. One guy is wanting to end the direct election of Senators.
Wasn’t that Alan Keyes’ big crowd-pleaser in his Senate run?
For all the conservative boo hooing about 9/11, we here in NYC knew it was all crap — they were angry that something “the enemy” identified as a symbol of America was successfully attacked. Not that any of them cared much about the commie faggot jews in the city; I’d suspect in fact that some may even have seen our loss with a certain smugness.
Now some Republicans actually dare to wish for an even more devestating attack on a major city (gee, wonder which city good ol’ stripmall hell has in mind?), as some sort of trigger event for the salvation of “Conservatism.”. (Can we call rightwing radicalism “conservatism” with a steaight face?). Just goes to prove the old observation that there’s no event so hideously catastrophic that there isn’t someone waiting in the wing to jump up and cheer when it happens.
This is going to end up like conservapedia reaaaaaal quick, with registration closed or requiring some secret handshake.
Hmmm, I wonder if I can come up with a good idea….?
I’m not sure how to tell if my submission went through.
Looks like they don’t say it did. Wow this is a shitty website.
Here’s mine in case it doesn’t make it through their moderation.
The Endangered Species Mercy Kill Act
Instead of spending billions trying to save species which our Lord no longer sees a need for we should raise billions by auctioning off the rights to trophy hunters to kill the last surviving members of the species in the wild.
To help give this common sense but somehow insane to a liberal idea a chance the law will stipulate that small number of breeding pairs of each species will be captured and maintained for traveling exhibition in public zoos before the hunt to extinction begins.
Tbogg covered this nicely yesterday.
http://tbogg.blogspot.com/2007/05/dispatches-from-republic-of-dumb.html
Wait–NAMBLA lobbyists offer their services for free?
This one, on the proposal not to allow government people to name things after themselves, was a real gem:
For my entire life, I have been worried about what we would name the next planet found in or solar system. I could finally rest knowing that this bill would solve that problem.
To which I responded:
To Mark Shot at 2:02am: We don’t name planets, the International Astronomical Union does. Sleep easy, Mark. Sleep easy.
PS: Does this mean no more Reagan crap for at least 6 more years?
I have a hard time understanding this bizarre American solipsism which suggests that we’re in charge of every fucking thing in the world, up to and including naming planets fer crissakes.
And I’ve been paying mine thousands of dollars like a chump!
Kathryn Jean Lopez, May 15, 2007
Oh, by the by,
Conservapedia is open for registration again.
Why does the internet have to be so good at helping you procrastinate?
Here’s mine. HTH:
Whereas a tuneful, stirring, and inspiring national anthem is essential to a nation’s spirit and self-image and self-esteem…
And whereas “The Star-Spangled Banner� has been deemed unsingable by generations of Americans…
And whereas its melody derives from a source doubly objectionable in that a) it is British and b) it is a drinking song…
And whereas a lively variety of songs is superior to a single song as regards uplifting the national spirit, stimulating the national mood, and enlivening public ceremonies…
Be it resolved that the national anthem of the United States of America shall consist of one of the following five songs, in continual rotation, at the rate of one per year; that the tenure of each song shall begin at 12:01 a.m. DST on July 4 and expire exactly one year later; and that the roster of songs shall be amendable and expandable by an act of Congress.
The songs shall consist of the following:
1. The Girl From Ipanema (English lyric)
2. The Theme from the Patty Duke Show
3. Save A Horse (Ride a Cowboy)
4. Begin the Beguine
5. I Have A Little Dreidle
Holy fuck. It’s Night of the Living Dead over there. They all just shamble along in their torn and beshotten conservagarb, shuffling arhythmically to some pre-Muzak Muzak like “A Summer Place” and when they inevitably bump into one another they reach out — slowly, casually, contentedly — in order to pull a globbet of flesh or organ free and eat it — slowly, casually, contentedly — and mumble “Mmmmm” before lumbering on to the next comment. And thus it feeds itself.
MrWonderful, you forgot the theme to Garry Shandling’s original show on Fox. That’s gotta be in the mix.
a different brad–
Write your Congressman.
you know the “Wiki___” is already part of several different branches of government, its just that those sites are closed to the public. they are mainly a way for workes to spread ideas about the direction of the department they work for. Think of them as GAINT message boards with lots of little nifty folders. The CIA has one as does the CDC.
I can no longer tell the nutzoids from the snark. I think when SBC called Falwell a fag-enabler is the day Teh I-rony died a slow painful death.
Damn you Gavin! How on earth can you expect me to be funnier than those solutions…
Awesome “worst album covers ever” reference in Teh Title, Herr Pierce. You picked one of the scariest of the bunch, a la the S,N! taste in wingnuts.
re: Repeal Amendment XVII — Direct Election of Senators
Why vote for your Senators when you can have your state representatives do it for you?
One time I was reading some goofy libertarian site and the question was which Amendment would you repeal, and a lot of people said the the 17th. I was sure they were mistaking it for the 16th–income tax–but no, as I read further, they sure as shit meant the 17th.
small number of breeding pairs of each species will be captured and maintained for traveling exhibition in public zoos before the hunt to extinction begins
Make that “traveling exhibition in a kind of nautical sea-faring zoo, to be called an Ark”.
Oops. Mr. Pierce wrote this. Sorry Gavin.
Eric Cantor has a blog. The complete blog roll:
I went to Bearing Drift and found this bit of awesome:
An intricately timed ballet of stupidity indeed.
Can I Borrow A Feeling
Oogga chaka oogga oogga, oogga chaka oogga ooga…
Or maybe I’m just old…
mikey
Believe it or don’t, J-, but I have Not Larry Sabato on my nottablogroll.
Not Larry Sabato was quite a force back in the Webb-Allen macaca wars. A force for good.
P.S. Those are blogs, of course. My collection of geocities pages, not so much.
Gawd, mikey, I thought of the same thing, and that frickin’ song is now going through my head.
I’m going to take a shower and sing something else until it departs.
I’m sorry candy. I feel bad. This should clean that old palate.
mikey
this looks like a man cut out for the Factory.
http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1000/758/1600/codymatherson.jpg
Once again, he thinks completely outside of the box
Everyone “thinks outside the box” these days (about 1 300 000 Googlehits). It’s amazing how cliches evolve… time was when thinking outside the square was the buzzword, but now that only has about 171 000 Ghits. What next? Thinking outside the tesseract? Or does Time Cube have the copyright on that?
I have a hard time understanding this bizarre American solipsism which suggests that we’re in charge of every fucking thing in the world, up to and including naming planets fer crissakes
See:
APPRECIATION of American Exceptionalism…………….
Shorter APPRECIATION of American Exceptionalism: Our shit don’t stink, biatches.
I’ve long thought that if one good thing could come out of the Iraq Clusterfuck, it would be American Exceptionalism becoming a joke.
Apparently not.
I thought of the same song: thankfully, Mikey banished it with the mind-crunchingly bizarre Eurovision Song Contest.
HH: Hey, outside your shores, American exceptionalism is accepted. I mean, most folks know that the US is exceptionally belligerent, exceptionally dumb, exceptionally rich, exceptionally greedy, exceptionally arrogant, and so on and so forth. I think the notion of American Exceptionalism is one of life’s great constants.
Oh, you didn’t mean it like that?
…yeah, I’m a great believer in american exceptionalism, and how it stops when infringing on mine. And vice versa. Always have.
Not Larry Sabato was quite a force back in the Webb-Allen macaca wars. A force for good.
And Not Larry Sabato, to its credit, does not have a post lauding Rep. Cantor’s amazing internet invention. I was just impressed by how Lopez at The Corner and Bearing Drift, both on Cantor’s blog roll, brazenly celebrated the amazing idea of putting a suggestion box on line.
My God. The 28% hath spoken . . . . .
I have an idea. Why not take all those space lasers and aim ’em at rivers when flooding happens? That way you can turn all that dangerous water into steam and everything’s great.
St. Reagan of Beloved Memory made a grave error when he popularized the notion of closing most of the hospitals for the mentally ill.
Teh Solutions Factory is the inevitable result.
Think of it as Occupational Therapy for the dispossessed.
The only way this could get better is if someone gave all the crazy homeless people in my city–hell, everywhere!–laptops with free wifi.
Oh, wait…
I haven’t seen this one yet:
Gumby: (standing in water) I would put a tax on all people who stand in water … (looks round him)… Oh!
I have another idea. As sea-levels rise, everyone should keep a full bucket of water in the house to make sure it’s drained off.
Why don’t we have a federal database of unpaid parking tickets? Cities could submit the unpaid parking tickets to an agency of the attorney general. Then those guys could read the list and tell the cities who to arrest. Simple!
Why don’t we have a federal database of unpaid parking tickets? Cities could submit the unpaid parking tickets to an agency of the attorney general. Then those guys could read the list and tell the cities who to arrest. Simple!
Even easier: Send all the relevant personal data of the violators to Michelle Malkin, and she’ll post it all online so they get death threats. That’ll put the FORCE back in LAW ENFORCEMENT!!11!!!1!!!2!
Mikey banished it with the mind-crunchingly bizarre Eurovision Song Contest.
Hey! That’s a Bee You Tee Fool Song. So says eye!!
mikey
Oh, how long can trusty Cadet Shrubby hold out?
How can he possibly resist the diabolical urge to push the button that could erase our very existence?
Will his tortured mind give in to it’s uncontrollable desires?
Can he withstand the temptation to push the button, that even now, beckons him ever closer?
Will he succumb to the maddening urge to eradicate history, at the mere push of a single button?
The beautiful, shiny button!
The jolly, candy-like button!
Will he hold out, folks?
Can he hold out?!?
Above, ©Spumco, with minor revisions.