Satire Leaves A Tear-Streaked Note Reading, ‘No Funeral’
Mr. Caleb Warnock, of the Provo Utah Daily Herald, was kind enough to assure us that this account of the now-notorious Don Larsen story is unexaggerated, and to point us toward the continuing saga of the Utah County Republicans.
We quit. There’s nowhere left to go from here.
Convention ends with Satan and immigrants
CALEB WARNOCK – Daily HeraldUtah County Republicans ended their convention on Saturday by debating Satan’s influence on illegal immigrants.
The group was unable to take official action because not enough members stuck around long enough to vote, despite the pleadings of party officials. The convention was held at Canyon View Junior High School.
Don Larsen, chairman of legislative District 65 for the Utah County Republican Party, had submitted a resolution warning that Satan’s minions want to eliminate national borders and do away with sovereignty.
In a speech at the convention, Larsen told those gathered that illegal immigrants “hate American people” and “are determined to destroy this country, and there is nothing they won’t do.”
Illegal aliens are in control of the media, and working in tandem with Democrats, are trying to “destroy Christian America” and replace it with “a godless new world order — and that is not extremism, that is fact,” Larsen said.
At the end of his speech, Larsen began to cry, saying illegal immigrants were trying to bring about the destruction of the U.S. “by self invasion.”
I keep trying to find a place to stop quoting this article, but it’s hopeless. The next paragraph continues:
Republican officials then allowed speakers to defend and refute the resolution. One speaker, who was identified as “Joe,” said illegal immigrants were Marxist and under the influence of the devil. Another, who declined to give her name to the Daily Herald, said illegal immigrants should not be allowed because “they are not going to become Republicans and stop flying the flag upside down. … If they want to be Americans, they should learn to speak English and fly their flag like we do.”
A passing Hispanic woman, who declined to give her name, retorted that the Spanish for ‘freak flag,’ bandera insano, ought to be good enough for any pocha loca Republican who smells like an old tunafish factory anyway, adding that immigrants were unlikely to become Republicans because “maybe it’ll make us ugly inside like you.”
Calls of “no she didn’t” were exchanged until a resolution was adopted requiring that prospective Republicans of Hispanic descent or appearance eschew “tacofascism” and continue to “think inside the bun.”
Senator Howard Stephenson, R-Draper, spoke against the resolution, saying Larsen, whom he called a “true patriot and a close friend,” was embarrassing the Republican Party.
“I agree with 95 percent of this resolution but it has some language that is divisive and not inspiring other people to its vision,” he said. “This only gives fodder to the liberal media to give negative attention to the Republican Party.”
Above: It’s like Stephenson was seeing into the future!
Joel Wright, a member of the Cedar Hills City Council, was booed as he opposed the resolution.
“This might be the most divisive issue in the Republican Party,” he said. “I support President Bush but he needs to support this issue harder.”
When Wright said “the economic benefit (of illegal immigration) outweighs the downside” he was jeered. He warned that the Republican Party of California had “killed themselves” by taking a hostile stance against illegal aliens.
Larsen then accused Wright of being possessed by Satan, and burst into tears while chasing him around the room with a hammer.
He also said the LDS Church has studied the issue and tried to determine whether illegal aliens could be given temple recommends and allowed to serve missions but “gave up” because the issue was too complex. He ended by saying “President Bush needs to fix this now” and was booed again.
Larsen was allowed to finish the debate with a one-minute speech.
“If the Democrats take over the country, we will be dead, and we will have abortion and partial-birth abortion and the Republican Party will go into extinction,” he said. “Nancy Pelosi and the ACLU would oppose this (resolution).”
Also, the Mole Men will attack us, and everybody will turn gay, and the Muslims will incinerate our tax refunds with a giant space laser.
A member of the audience moved that the convention suspend its rules to allow the “objectionable part” of Larsen’s resolution to be stricken, retaining only the final paragraphs of the resolution, which condemn illegal immigration. Eventually party officials counted all delegates in attendance, only to discover that, with 299, they were about 30 short of a quorum and could take no action.
“Darn it all!” said party officials, as delegate Luis “Chip” Hernández slipped out the bathroom window.
“I did ask people to stay so we could have this discussion,” said Senator Curt Bramble, R-Provo, who chaired the convention. Bramble had earlier asked those gathered not to thwart a discussion on the resolution, saying it would be “good for the party.”
Bramble was last seen walking slowly into the Provo River, displaying a strange calm and fixity of purpose.
In other business, those gathered voted against removing some of the party’s leadership.
Because things have been going so well lately.
Letters supporting the re-election of party chairwoman Marian Monnahan and secretary Susan Bramble were mailed in envelopes bearing the party’s return address, causing delegate Russell Sias to demand they be removed from office. A spokesperson for Alexander’s Print Advantage, which handled the mailing, spoke at the convention, saying employees had mistaken put the address on the envelopes and the company took full responsibility for the snafu.
A spokesperson for the Utah National Guard then spoke at the convention and took full responsibility for the snafu in Iraq.
In a speech, Enid Greene, state Republican Party chair, announced to applause that she will remarry in a few months. Greene’s first marriage came to an infamous end during her tenure in the U.S. House of Representatives when her husband, Joe Waldholtz, who was her campaign manager, was charged with embezzling. He eventually pled guilty to campaign fraud and other charges.
Above: Enid Greene
Joe Waldholtz then spoke at the convention and took full responsibility for Republican corruption in Washington.
Greene said she was disappointed in BYU professors who protested Dick Cheney’s visit to campus, calling them “self-appointed intellectuals.”
Ms. Greene, a 1983 graduate of Brigham Young University’s J. Reuben Clark Law School, is a self-styled lawyer, and was a so-called member of “Congress.”
“I’m not calling for BYU to fire them but if no one signs up for their classes …” she said. “If they say the Vice President doesn’t have anything to say we want to hear, I’m not interested in having my daughter learn from them.”
Ms. Greene’s daughter, age twelve, is therefore signing up for no university courses this term.
All of the speakers praised those gathered. Lt. Governor Gary Herbert said Utah County Republicans are “guided by correct principles” and are the “best of the best” of the Republican Party.
To which we have nothing to add.
Welp, time to clean out our desks. Nothing could ever be as ridiculous as blaming immigration on Satan. It’s been nice working here, and I hope we… Oh crap, here comes Mark Noonan again:
As a Christian, I can’t help but see the work of Satan in this. He’s laughing with delight over this – and it all stems from what seemed so harmless, but has proven so baleful: that concept being that we, as individuals, have a right to privacy.
Uh, I guess we’ll stay awhile.
Who do you go to to be appointed an intellectual? Sounds like a cushy gig.
The convention was held at Canyon View Junior High School.
Are you sure it wasn’t held by the Canyon View Junior High School? i.e. the students?
I am speechless. I am without speech.
“I support President Bush but he needs to support this issue harder.�
This sentence highlights the Republican Party’s Global War on Grammar.
Nah, you just appoint yourself. As in, “Hi, I’m Candy. I’m an intellectual!” From that point forward, the fabric of Western Civilization will crumble under your feet.
I think if the average Republican voter read his or her state party platform, half the registered Republican voters would be switched over to “Independent” by the time the sun went down the next day. The sane ones, that is.
If I weren’t so lazy, and so disinclined to cause myself excruciating agony (especially since we are out of hydrocodone), I would Gizoogle my state Rep party platform and pick out some enlightening nuggets. Well, maybe later, when I’ve had some beer.
Oh, my God, what a lovely, chock-full of wingnutty goodness gift basket that convention is!!!
We got the evil marxist mexlamofascists worshipping Satan; crybabies at the lectern, the upside-down flag flyers, Nancy Pelosi forcing us all to have partial-birth abortions, and the miss-addressed envelopes!
And topping it off like a cherry on the whipped cream is Enid Green nee Waldholtz!
AND they didn’t have a quorum!!
Too tasty!
You know, that convention would have been a fun place to visit. I love when it’s so crazy out you don’t need any drugs.
One obvious question comes up, tho.
What have the Mole Men been up to?
At the end of his speech, Larsen began to cry, saying illegal immigrants were trying to bring about the destruction of the U.S. “by self invasion.�
Larson, in the study, with the candlestick.
“I agree with 95 percent of this resolution but it has some language that is divisive and not inspiring other people to its vision,� he said. “This only gives fodder to the liberal media to give negative attention to the Republican Party.�
I’m glad to see that there some glimmers of self-awareness in the reddest of the red states. I’m sure that he will be clubbed to death and fed to the ants for his traitorous act of “thinking.”
What the hell is “self invasion”? It calls up some interesting mental pictures, but it really doesn’t make any sense in this context…
I think it involves a Corona bottle.
Wow… There are times at which I am convinced that the world I live in can`t possibly be real. Seriously, I don`t know whether to laugh at the fact that these guys are the backbone of a major political party or be very scared.
It`s probably both.
Oh, and Mark has whipped himself up into hysterics over the idea of people maybe doing the nasty behind closed doors.
WHEN THE BBC invited me onto one of its talk shows recently to talk about the day’s hot topic — legalizing adult incest
This is a hot topic today? Why didn’t someone tell me? Does this explain all those headlines I’ve been seeing?
we do, per modern thinking, have an absolute right to personal privacy – which really boils down to a right to engage in whatever sexual activity we wish…and that means, dear people, that we have a right to have sex with our parents, or our siblings, or our children.
That’s a lovely bit of reduction there! Personal privacy = fucking your mom.
if you really think about it, you have the right to have sex with a 15 year old on school grounds while all the little kiddies watch…
If Mark really thinks about it and this is the first thing that occurs to him….well, lets just say I’m glad he doesn’t live in my school district.
I think it involves a Corona bottle.
Gavin that only happened that one time and you promised not to bring it up!!!1
Thanks, Gavin, I’ll add that to the mental images I already had….
now where’d I leave that box of Alka-Seltzer…..
Dammit, Gavin!
Effin’ NOONAN!!!!
“if you really think about it, you have the right to have sex with a 15 year old on school grounds while all the little kiddies watch…as long as both partners consent, it is a right, and a right cannot be denied or abridged.”
Why is it that the imagery these wingnuts always come up with is always so depraved?
Not to mention there happen to be decency laws, and pedophile laws, just to name a couple of things standing in the way of Markie’s ultimate fantasy (mmm…banal!)
Stand up and be counted…indeed.
I’m beginning to think that the rapture happened some time ago and I’ve been unwittingly living in hell since then.
It’s the only thing that makes sense.
I agree with The Velvet Blog.
The evidence mounts with each passing day.
Here’s s trip down memory lane about Enid Greene
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enid_Greene
Almost $1.8 million of the money spent in the 1994 campaign came from her husband, Joe, who had embezzled nearly $4 million from her father. Joe Waldholtz disappeared in November 1995 for six days before surrendering to police. During that time she announced that she was suing for divorce, for custody of her daughter, and to change her name back to ‘Enid Greene’. Under pressure from Utah Republicans, she announced on March 5, 1996 that she would not seek re-election to Congress. Joe Waldholtz pleaded guilty to federal charges of tax, bank, and campaign fraud, and then, while out on parole, was subsequently convicted of forging insurance and Veterans Affairs checks from his stepmother and his late father.
Utah County Republicans are “guided by correct principles� and are the “best of the best� of the Republican Party.
That is the first time here at Sadly that the block text was WAAAYYYYYYY funnier than the snarky comments.
It was like a Monty Python skit.
That has got to be thefinest piece of performance art in decades. Or else Don Larsen is flippin insane and needs to be locked up. I smell a Daily Show interview, similar to the small town in Florida that adopted an ordinance prohibiting Satan from entering the city limits.
Man, it’s a shame to see the GOP’s extensive, expensive, decade-long effort to reach out to Latino voters completely crumble in just a single year. A real shame.
I was an intellectual for a few months, but it was a recess appointment.
btw, Noonan, as usual, is objecting to an imaginary crisis that he’s ‘perceived’ from a mythical absolute right to privacy – which no one has actually asserted.
I think he’s arguing with the hall chair again.
we do, per modern thinking, have an absolute right to personal privacy – which really boils down to a right to engage in whatever sexual activity we wish…
So to Noonan, there are no privacy issues other than sex–not medical records or financial information or sealed juvenile records or divorce proceedings or… Nope. Just sex. Gotcha.
if you really think about it, you have the right to have sex with a 15 year old on school grounds while all the little kiddies watch…
Two interesting windows into Noonan’s twisted soul in this statement:
right to privacy = right to commit statutory rape
AND
right to privacy = the right to have sex in public
W.T.F.?
So
At the end of his speech, Larsen began to cry, saying illegal immigrants were trying to bring about the destruction of the U.S. “by self invasion.�
Jesus H. Christ and the Latter Day Saint He rode in on. Gav, did you ask the reporter if Larsen was really blubbering? I mean the whole story is insane, but this is the image that I just can’t shake.
Like, here’s Larsen: “An’-an’-an’ [sniffle] those [honk] … I’m sorry, those illeg- [sob] those illegal aliens are … are … are trying to bring about the destru- [honk-snort-gasp-shriek … long pause] … no, no, I’m fine … just need a moment … bring about the destruction of the U.S. by … by … by … by … by … by … by [whimper] SELF-INVASION! [completely loses composure, tearing at hair and keening wildly for a good five minutes]
I laughed through this entire piece. Thank you, Gavin. You brightened up my day.
If I don’t laugh, I will cry. Laughing is the better option.
I’m not sure Warnock realized how funny the story is. It’s totally accurate and straight-pan as far as I know.
“…I can’t help but see the work of Satan in this. He’s laughing with delight over this…”
The day, The music … died.
I had no idea Don Larsen was so crazy. Does this happen to everyone who throws a perfect game in the World Series?
Illegal aliens are in control of the media
Curses. They have discovered the truth about Rupert Murdoch and the lizardoid conspiracy. That is a real set-back to our plans for world domination. I knew that Larsen was going to be a problem, the moment he stopped reading the newspapers and opened his eyes to the poisonous contrails spelling out messages in the sky. Send out the black helicopters!
Fortunately the plan to eliminate national borders is still on track. Please assist the Men in Black when they arrive at the door to confiscate your old atlases and globes; they will provide you with the new, Satan-approved borderless substitutes.
Of coruse everyone knows that all Mexican farmworkers are marxists AND satanists. I’m always stumbling onto pentagrams, black candles, and sacrified white babies while attending re-education camps in the strawberry fields of Oxnard.
Two interesting windows into Noonan’s twisted soul in this statement:
right to privacy = right to commit statutory rape
AND
right to privacy = the right to have sex in public
Fucking bizarre, isn’t it? Noonan’s perhaps the most sexually preoccupied person I have ever seen–and I have known a nymphomaniac and people who work in the porn industry.
Larsen’s resolution failed, but the Utah County GOP approved others that are worth noting. All quotes below are from the party’s 2007 platform, adopted 4/28/07 (pdf).
From the Preamble:
On freedom of religion:
On education:
On marriage and the family:
And finally, on you guessed it:
i just wanted to give a big “temple recommend” to all my homiez at Sadly! no.
you scratch the surface of “mainstream” religion in this country and you just come up with some insane shit. it is always a phrase–“Temple recommend” “Psychiatry Kills” “transubstantiation” “baruch ata adenoy” “monkey humper poo throw” and so on that reminds you.
and the hats, of course. always with the fucking hats.
Look.
They fly the flag upside-down because south of the Equator the toilet flushes in the OTHER DIRECTION.
God these people are imbeciles.
Satan’s minions want to eliminate national borders
Praise the Lord for Utah Republicans! Will no-one else speak out against Satan and his anti-bookshop agenda?
Public schools should abstain from teaching promiscuity in any form.
I think of all the education that I had
But then my homework was never quite like that.
Did it say anything about eliminating the incivility section?
I’m not sure whether to laugh,cry,run screaming into the night or do something to fuck with these people,just to up the crazy some more.
Actually,this Larsen dipshit sounds alot like my mom. Though we no longer speak(because she’s insane and thinks I’m Satan’s handmaiden)I’ve seriously given thought to buying theatrical blood and doing a whole pentagram/roadkill vignette on her front porch in the middle of the night. A sort of Satanic Still Life as it were. This is a woman who thinks Jack Chick’s little comic books and the Left Behind Series of books are REAL.
It’s the least she deserves for what she did to me as a kid and tried to continue doing to me as an adult.
There’s alot of these kinds of people in government,it’s just not often they let the crazy run loose like that,in front of witnesses. It’s at all levels,from your local school board and the mayor’s office,all the way to DC. I think they need to be pushed to the point of total nervous breakdowns,very public nervous breakdowns.
if you really think about it, you have the right to have sex with a 15 year old on school grounds while all the little kiddies watch…
Curses. If only someone had told that to my defense lawyer!
Hmm, Nooners and Medved seem to have a slight difference of opinion on privacy. Slap fight!
Larsen then accused Wright of being possessed by Satan, and burst into tears while chasing him around the room with a hammer.
Are you sure this wasn’t part of the actual story?
We affirm the fundamental, unalienable right to life for both the born and the unborn, unless their conception was icky.
Fixed.
Herr Doktor,
That’s the second “curses” you’ve uttered. Your plots are being foiled all over the place. I’d go ahead and untie any maidens you’ve placed in distress at this point.
Ya know, I took a break from the world last week, so I may’ve missed a memo or something, but when did the Republican Party, the Irrational Bush Worshippers, war pigs and general wingnuttia just decided “Fuck it, let’s see how foolish we can make ourselves”? Bush is the “Comander Guy”, Limbaugh’s “Magic Negro”, Wolfowitz’s girlfriend, this…this whatever this nonsense is. Holy shit, they let someone save that for posterity. Can you imagine being this Larsen cat? I bet that man goes through antacids like you wouldn’t believe.
Utah. Former co-worker just relocated to Salt Lake City with her husband. Dig this, she’s a flight attendent. Yep, a waitress in the sky. She’s got the inscription from that ring was such a big deal in The Lord Of The Rings tattooed on her left arm and really short hair. She says the hair hangs ’em up, God forbid they ever see that tattoo.
Maybe so, but the Salt Lake County jail is one of the nicest places I’ve stayed. Beat the crap out of many of my apartments.
Actually, it’s a funny story. Seems there are genuine limits to what you can do in downtown SLC at 3am. And they are enforced!
mikey
You think Don Larsen is nuts?
Don has nothing on This Fool!
that ring was such a big deal in The Lord Of The Rings
What was the deal with that ring anyway?
“Muslims will incinerate our tax refunds with a giant space laser.”
Sadly, this has already happened. To me. At least, I think it was Muslims. Who else would have a giant space laser? At least, I think it was a space laser. What else has the power to incinerate a check inside an envelope while it is being transported by the US Postal Service? At least, I think it was being transported by the USPS. Who else is allowed to carry mail in this country? At least, I think I was getting a refund. I forget – is it a positive or a negative number on your tax return that gets refunded?
Okay, I looked up and read the Iowa State Republican Party Platform. Dear Jeebus, I am sick… I may not make it.
Behold, teh Preamble: “As Republicans we continue to uphold the principles of individual responsibility, adherence to traditional moral standards, a strong national defense, a free enterprise system and respect for the sanctity of human life. We believe in retaining the moral absolutes that our Founding Fathers drew from the Holy Scripture as the principal foundation for our Constitution.
We acknowledge God’s blessing on our Country and our continued dependence upon God for the preservation of our Nation. We believe high moral character is a necessity of public servants. The highest standard of character should be embodied in both private and public life. We encourage the proliferation of these principles and their passage to future generations.”
From thence it goes on to repealing the right of ex-convicts to vote, gay bashing on a grand scale, promoting the singling out of HIV/AIDs patients for discriminatory treatment, denial of women’s access to health care, frothing-at-the-mouth hatred of sex education in school… oh, and they support repealing the state’s hate crimes laws, which makes sense, since the whole document is an exercise in veiled hate speech.
However, I don’t see any language dealing with Satan’s influence on immigrants. Hmmm….. maybe I should write them and propose an amendment.
Satan was on the prowl in Utah last June.
One of the screw-loose people. One of many.
Jeezus, y’all have been busy. Am I once again the only one who had to work all day?
Robert Green: Baruch ate an adenoid?
Angryoldbroad: I’m not sure whether to laugh,cry,run screaming into the night or do something to fuck with these people If you don’t mind a suggestion, I’d advocate doing something to fuck with them. It’s proactive.
Bubba: The ring is nothing compared to the special Mormon underwear.
Gavin, once again, I am forever in your debt. You go there so I don’t have to and take one for the team on a daily basis. May Satan shower his blessings upon you.
Regarding the devil, Jacob said Thursday that since he decided to run for Congress, Satan has bollixed his business deals,
Now I’m not religious, but I would think, if I were, that if my progress toward a certain goal kept getting derailed by little chance happenings, wouldn’t it be more logical to think it was the God I believed in that was giving me a message, not Satan? How come he doesn’t think God is telling him not to run for Congress?
I mean, if it was OK with God that he go to Washington, you’d think God wouldn’t let Satan mess it up.
Why doesn’t it occur to him that maybe God has a problem with him?
Jeezus, y’all have been busy. Am I once again the only one who had to work all day?
Who are you, Smiling Mortician, a Kevin sockpuppet?! And doesn’t your work have access to the intert00bz?
Oh, your name. Right.
You’re high on Everclear, huh? You just made this shit up. I lived in Utah for four years, and while I did see and hear some crazy shit, no way anything like this happened for real.
Unless of course the Mormans were involved…you didin’t say anything about Mormans did you? I mean, all bets are off if Mormans were involved. It wouldn’t be fair if you didn’t say Mormans were involved…
Sheesh!
See, this is a perfect example of why Republicans don’t NEED drugs.
Hey, you missed the memo circulating among Republican legislators in Georgia and Texas stating that evolution is an ancient Jewish conspiracy promulgated by secret Pharisees. This is not from The Onion. Josh Marshall has a bit on it.
I started laughing when I read the reporter’s name, and I couldn’t stop for the rest of the article.
Caleb Warnock? Wasn’t he a character on “Charmed”?
I’m cancelling my subscription to The Onion and ordering me a year’s worth of the Utah Daily Herald.
Coincidentally, yet Sadly!, Chris Cannon was in the news today.
Rep. Chris Cannon of Utah, top Republican on the panel, praised Comey’s candor but chastised Democrats controlling the hearing as unfairly seeking to link the White House’s political operation to the firings.
“So far this seems to be a fishing expedition that’s come up dry,” Cannon said.
Hey, you missed the memo circulating among Republican legislators in Georgia and Texas stating that evolution is an ancient Jewish conspiracy promulgated by secret Pharisees.
Do you mean this memo?
Ever wonder who buys DVDs of Walker Texas Ranger and Mama’s Family? Wonder no more.
Christianity: Founded around 0.
North America, with attention on the USA: Explored in mid 1400’s, USA Created 1781.
Wow. So, for ~1600 years, god did dick-all with his favorite-est country EVAR!!
Suuuure, he had Europe, Africa, mainland Asia and the middle East, with almost the entirety of the world population to work with. But he was just biding his time until white folks found a new place to screw around with, I’m sure.
If God is supposed to be so all-powerful, why does he suck so bad at his job? I’m just askin’.
I’m thinkin he’s distracted by all them HAWT alien chix….
mikey
“This is a woman who thinks Jack Chick’s little comic books and the Left Behind Series of books are REAL.”
You mean, they are not real! Damn.
Seriously, though, my wife worked for a short time in Utah way before I met her, she told me her short hair freaked them out, so she got it cut really short (the German lesbian look was how I think she described it). She got taken aside by a co-worker, who asked her; “When did the devil embrace you?”.
I think she left the next day.
Who are you, Smiling Mortician, a Kevin sockpuppet?! And doesn’t your work have access to the intert00bz?
Oh, your name. Right.
Smotes, you wound me. You cut me to the quick. As it happens, my work involves spending hours upon hours in actual classrooms with actual students, which seriously cuts into my intertoobz time.
My name, by the way, is not a reflection of my profession — except to the extent that it’s from a Lawrence Ferlinghetti poem.
See, what I do is, I just skip linking to the actual text of whatever is being blogged about here and just read the comments. That way I get the gist of it and simply feel that temporary nausea without having to actually get up and go into the bathroom and vomit.
Some guy, not to put too fine a point on it, but:
Earth: founded about 4,570,000,000 years ago
Homo sapiens, the crown of creation: founded about 200,000 years ago
Human civilization: founded about 10,000 years ago
We’re clearly talking here about someone who takes his time, does everything right, knocks me out with one shot for the rest of the night.
I keep having to say it – sometimes I’m really embarrassed to be from here. Damn sure I don’t vote for these guys – Utah Republicans always have been just this dumb and superstitious and hysterical. And our Democrats would be Republicans anywhere else – with a few happy exceptions like the current Salt Lake City mayor.
And Christ, I’d just about forgotten about Enid. The year she was elected, she bought billboard space for the entire month of November, so that icky bulldog mug was leering at us for weeks after she was elected (almost as long as she stayed in office before that disgraceful Tammy Faye sobfest on TV. Bleargh.)
What’s remarkable is that if you had to imagine what a person named “Enid Greene” looked like, what you came up with would be identical to Enid Greene.
I had no idea Don Larsen was so crazy. Does this happen to everyone who throws a perfect game in the World Series?
Not just in the Series. You mean you haven’t heard Len Barker’s plan to have the Ten Commandments tattooed on Britney Spears’ vagina?
Those Republicans sure are a crafty bunch.
The fact is that these Defeatocrats must be stopped before our children get hooked on self-invasion.
“… about 30 short of a quorum…”
Ah, this must be the updated version of “a few bricks shy of a full load,” “a few cards short of a deck,” or “a few fundamentalist preachers between them and a gay bordello.”
Self-invasion: is that anything like self-pollution? Just asking, because it seems like those Christianist republicans do an awful lot of that.
Oh. Note for everyone who didn’t have the priviledge of inheriting a copy of Vitalogy from their grandmother: self-pollution is the twee name for masturbation. The book, a sumptuous tome in black leather with gold leaf, has ‘before’ and ‘after’ illustrations. Totally unretouched, I promise you. The poor young man, a Mr Burton from Pennsylvania if I recally correctly, looked as though his starched collar had cut off all the blood flow until his face went necrotic. Totally unretouched, as I said.
The associated article pointed out that “this young man and his parents will be fortunate if he escapes the asylum”.
I have to say that this article puts me in mind of that book for many, many reasons. Although I think my copy was printed in the 1930s, which these republican wankers probably condemn as far too licentious.
Great article, Gavin, truly mind-twitchingly awesome. There’s really nothing finer than republican pollies blaming Satan for foreigners and failed business deals.
If God is supposed to be so all-powerful, why does he suck so bad at his job? I’m just askin’.
Hey, the big guy was just playin’ with those brown folks. You know how it is, you get so engrossed in a new game that you forget what time it is, and before you know it, whoopsie, it’s the fifteenth century.
damn i feel sorry for his kids. the fool actually started crying. why are manly republicans such crybabies?
remember ted stevens break down on the Senate floor? Or poopy bush bawling his eyes out about that shit stain Jeb?
Ah, this must be the updated version of “a few bricks shy of a full load,�
One chromosome short of a genotype, as we used to say.
*Sigh* Don’t you people get me, after all this time? I am not about big picture, public policy matters like illegal immigration. I am all about returning to Earth by means of arcane and not at all silly methods, so that I can *mumble mumble* – well, OK, even I’m not sure what I will do once I get there.
And failing that, I am about the occasional possession, but really that’s more for kicks than anything.
Illegal immigration? What-evah!
Luis Cipher
Luis? That’s a Hispanic name! Satan is an illegal immigrant!
What’s the deal with making little girls masturbate with crosses anyway? Perv.
You know what my favorite thing about this is, that I totally missed the first time I read it?
Not only will we all be dead, but also, someone — aliens, I guess, or zombies — will be performing partial-birth abortions on our deceased corpses, and none of our festering, moldering cadavers will be Republicans! Yes, you thought the “we’ll all be dead” part was the nadir, but IT GETS WORSE FROM THERE!
See, this is a perfect example of why Republicans don’t NEED drugs.
They may not need them, but as Messers Limbaugh, Condit, Haggard, Duhbya et al exeplify, they sure do WANT them…
Now me, after reading this madness, I NEED some drugs.
Actually, the whole “Satan wears a poncho and works as a dishwasher at Denny’s” meme is one that puts me in mind of what one of my writers came up with years ago, when talking about the webfilms of Mumbleboy – he described wrapping your head in industrial-thickness aluminum foil, smashing a Tascam and Atari 5200 system boards and gluing them to your torso, sitting in a bathtub full of Everclear, moistening your fingers with liquid LSD and jamming them into light sockets. The hallucinations that play on your eyelids during the ambulance ride to the hospital will be like the visions of “reality” that these dweebs suffer under…
Y’know, if Satan is really a Marxist Latino terr’rist immigrant, that would explain why the gardeners on my block fire up the leaf blowers at 7 a.m. on a Saturday. Still, Satan does a pretty good job getting rid of the crabgrass over at the Hanrahan’s front lawn. Must be the brimstone or sumthin’.
The cross thing was a total improv. A bit embarrased about it now, to be honest. It was over the top.
Not only will we all be dead, but also, someone — aliens, I guess, or zombies — will be performing partial-birth abortions on our deceased corpses, and none of our festering, moldering cadavers will be Republicans! Yes, you thought the “we’ll all be dead� part was the nadir, but IT GETS WORSE FROM THERE!
This gets my vote for Quote Of The Week.
Mortician,
Ouch. (Actual students all day. Yet another reason to be part of the hotbed of Marxists and welfare that is the professoriate in this country today. We only indoctrinate students about 2-3 hours a day, leaving us plenty of time to search up new lies on the Web.)
Some Guy,
Wow. So, for ~1600 years, god did dick-all with his favorite-est country EVAR!!
You’ve obviously been brainwashed by actually doing your readings in some flaming liberal’s classroom that didn’t allow equal time for equally valid theories. First, the Jews were God’s chosen people. Then one of their tribe–extra-special chosen–wandered off to Atlantis and then the Americas and became Indians. Americans. American Indians. Whatever the hec* you PC Nazis call them today. And God let these chosen prepare the Western Hemisphere for the coming of the Christians. And when the Jews betrayed their very extra-special status by not believing in Jesus, Christians became his true race of beloveds. That’s why America wasn’t God’s favorite right away, though he knew in the future it would be, of course.
And when the Christians came across the ocean and met the Jew-Indians, the continent was ready. Sometimes you can’t just whip up things in 6 days. (Unless you–being God–just want to.) There are plans and stuff. Prophecies and stuff. And the Jew-Indians who had so faithfully prepared the ground then obliged by dying in waves of God’s teeniest, tiniest handiwork: his beautiful flu and small pox and measles microbes.
Satan, as long as you’re here and taking questions, can I ask you just exactly what you did to Republican candidate John Jacob’s business to stop him from running for office?
Was it missed deliveries? Maybe a leak in the warehouse roof? Did his secretary drop an important call? Just what kind of mischief did you visit upon him?
From the NRA:
The EVC for Utah’s third congressional district is Don Larsen.
Hurting his business? That’s just crazy talk. If he isn’t running a sweatshop or feeding drugs to hookers to keep them in line, I got nothing to do with it.
I say we kill him! (Yeahhhh!)
I say we hang him then we kill him! (Yeahhhh!)
I say we stomp him! (Yehh!)
Then we Tattoo him! (Yeah!)
Then we hang him! (Yeah!)
And then we kill him! (Yeahhhh!)
(tiny voice) I say we let him go! (Noooooooo!)
and the hats, of course. always with the fucking hats.
I’ve found so many people like to smile a lot
Smile a lot ‘cos they’re havin’ so much fun,
Even when they know they’re not.
They’ll wear some tiny little hat and they’ll feel good.
They’ll feel good ‘cos a hat is silly
And silly means that their time is good.
Cf. “Delores Umbridge”.
OMG, my sides are splitting.
Keep up the gud woork 🙂
didn’t that cheney guy have a real clear explaination of “self invasion”?
This reminds me of why I hated discussing politics when I lived in Utah. It also reminds me of why I became a Democrat in the early 1990s and have never looked back at the insanity that resides among elected Republican officials. Jeebus, at least most of the Democratic nutcases don’t hold any political offices at any level.
In Utah, it seems that everything ends up being about religion. I sure as fuck don’t miss it- other than my family who still live there- poor bastards.
[…] I’m reading this post over at Sadly, No! about it now being officially impossible to write satire about Republicans now that Utah county has really hit its stride, when I get to the bit at the end… Welp, time […]
wrapping your head in industrial-thickness aluminum foil, smashing a Tascam and Atari 5200 system boards and gluing them to your torso, sitting in a bathtub full of Everclear, moistening your fingers with liquid LSD and jamming them into light sockets. The hallucinations that play on your eyelids during the ambulance ride to the hospital
Yeah, yeah, whatevs. Another friday night. Couldn’t we do something DIFFERENT tonight? Sheesh…
mikey
Yeah, yeah, whatevs. Another friday night. Couldn’t we do something DIFFERENT tonight? Sheesh…
Damn jaded San Franciscan (g).
Man, the performance artists up there must really earn their exhibit fees… down in LA, we gotta make do with whatever madness Paris Hilton comes up with.
Thanks Gavin and commenters!
I really needed the laughs!