Yip Roc Heresy
Above: Talent on loan from Blockbuster Video
Mark Noonan is an astute observer of political dynamics:
[T]he program we’re following is doubly unpopular: both those who want a more aggressive approach and those who prefer a more passive program are both in opposition – and thus support for the President’s policy in Iraq hovers around 35% of likely voters. With 35% you can still do a lot, especially when the other 65% is split between defeatists and “kill ’em all”.
[Gavin adds: Um, split between what, now? This dramatically new ‘kill ’em all’ data is apparently from a recent Noonan poll of Likely Noonans, in which the methodology seems somewhat traumatized by an over-polling of stuffed animals and Invisible Underwear Fairies.]
For a second I thought he was talking about that band that sings “Here I Dreamt I Was An Architect” and Metallica. Alas. Welp, lemme take off my shoes and socks and count this up here: 65 divided by two … carry the thumb … numerate the pinky toe … and drat! Less than 35 percent? Advantage: dead-enders. Foiled again!
With 35%, you’ve got a pool of more than 100 million Americans to draw from, and thus with about 10 million military-aged males, no problem maintaining troop levels in a military force approaching 2 million strong. But with only 35%, you’ve also got the problem of not having either a majority or at least a plurality in favor of your plan, and that allows the opportunists their opening.
It warrants mentioning that you’ve got the additional problem that a substantial portion of that particular pool of military-aged males sincerely believes their stateside rhetorical shenanigans and getting a good grade in Crim Pro are fine and noble substitutes for actual military — Oh my God, I just realized he considers himself a centrist on Iraq. Too, too much, man.
Meanwhile, I think Noonan is suggesting that the president should veto a timeline for Bush withdrawal from the White House:
To say these are dangerous times is to barely understand what we are going through. Right now, there is a finger in the dyke – President Bush, who stands firm. But just the moment comes when the world perceives that he no longer has control of US foreign or military policy, and the enemies of America will strike. That moment will certainly come on January 20th, 2009 – and by then we better have re-convinced the world that we’re still willing to fight.
“Or else” implied, of course.
Just for the sake of discussion, should Democrats maintain a congressional majority in 2008 and reclaim the White House, what do you think the overarching barking point will be if another domestic terrorist attack occurs? Redeploy to Iraq? Hold new elections immediately? Launch a few nuclear missiles at Muslim countries, in alphabetical order? All of the above? None of the above?
heh heh he said dyke heh heh.
KARL: ::bursting into Oval Office in a mad frenzy:: Mr. President! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!! GET YOUR FINGER OUT OF THAT DYKE!!!
PREZ: Turd Blossom, what the hay-ull are yew talkin’ ’bout?
KARL: THE DYKE! THE DYKE! MARK NOONAN SAYS YOU’VE GOT YOUR FINGER IN THE DYKE OF IRAQ!!! Jesus, sir, that’s nearly a Bill Clinton level transgression! GET YOUR FINGER OUT OF THAT ARABIC LESBIAN WOMAN SIR!!!!
CONDI: I am NOT a lesbian. OR Arabic.
DICK: Karl, I think there’s been a basic error here. Georgie has his finger in the ‘dike’ of Iraq — D – I – K – E. “An artificial earthen wall, constructed as a defense or as a boundary. It is also known in American English as a levee.” Not the ‘dyke’ of Iraq, D-Y-K-E, a somewhat denigrating colloquial expression for, among other things, my daughter.
KARL: What? But the article specifically stated D-Y-K-E…
PREZ: Turd Blossom, I done told yew agin an’ agin. Yew do all that there readin’, yew gonna rot your brain. Heh. ‘Finger in the dyke of Iraq.’ That’s good.
CONDI: Don’t get any ideas, dear. I don’t swing that way.
I sure I hope I can still listen to Slim Gaillard without thinking of Mark Noonan.
We now have dead-enders in this country? Did they follow us here?
Of course Mark “Willing Serf” Noonan wants Bush to stay in the Oval Office 4Evah… re-branding blogsferbush is gonna be hell. Apart from breaking Mark’s little pink heart, his little pink brain ain’t getting much traction coming up with a reason why those of us not in his vaunted 35% (a number as padded as his commanders’ codpiece) should take Bush the Lesser, much less Noonan the Even More Lesser, seriously.
On the other hand, if our Australian cousins still use “dyke” as a literal toilet euphemism…
Main Entry: 1dike
Pronunciation: ‘dIk
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, probably from Old Norse dIk ditch and Middle Low German dIk dam; akin to Old English dIc ditch — more at DITCH
1 : an artificial watercourse : DITCH
2 a : a bank usually of earth constructed to control or confine water : LEVEE b : a barrier preventing passage especially of something undesirable
3 a : a raised causeway b : a tabular body of igneous rock that has been injected while molten into a fissure
———————————————————————————
Way to know the difference between a female lesbian and an engineered water control device.
Whoever said Nooners was dumber than a box of hammers was being unkind to hammers…
I dozed last night with Hitchens on my TV (Daily Show) and awake to Noonan in my browser.
I think I’ll stay inside today. Curl up with a blanket. No sharp objects.
Doc Nebula – that was teh awesome!
There is no way Nooney is for real. This guy is funnier than the General.
And the award for best screenplay goes to….
Awesome, Doc Nebula.
Right now, there is a finger in the dyke – President Bush, who stands firm.
It took exactly twelve minutes and two posts for someone to go for the Condi joke, which was well executed by Doc Nebula. A tip of the hat to you, sir.
Mark Noonan obviously has his head up Christopher Hitchens’ arse. Dyke is a British variant on dike.
“Awake with Noonan in [your] browser,” kingubu, Sir!
That must have been terrifying! Let Mrs. Biscuitbarrel bring you a mug of hot chicken soup with matzo balls!
Right now, there is a finger in the dyke – President Bush
President Bush is a dyke????
That fucking explains EVERYTHING!!!!!
Ah, soup for me! But wait. I didn’t get bread. The three people before me all got free bread!
Not Fairies, but Gnomes. Underpants Gnomes. And they are visible, if you drink enough caffine and suffer just the right amount of sleep deprivation.
I think you can shortcut the process with wingnut kool-aid. Add a drop of the blood of the innocent, and those little sonsabitches will take any poll you give them…
With 35%, you’ve got a pool of more than 100 million Americans to draw from, and thus with about 10 million military-aged males, no problem maintaining troop levels in a military force approaching 2 million strong.
Policemen’s Chorus: We go! We go to fight the foe!
General’s Daughter: Yes, but you don’t go!
I too love the firm-President’s-finger-in-dyke line, but this is also absurdly ambiguous: “To say these are dangerous times is to barely understand what we are going through.” No pithier critique of wingnut fulminations has been penned heretofore. Bravo, Mr. Noonan!
Why is there always a pic of a hairy gray toad at the top of posts about Noonan? It must be one of those wacky Sadly, No conventions that I’ll never understand. *sigh*
Redeploy to Iraq? Hold new elections immediately? Launch a few nuclear missiles at Muslim countries, in alphabetical order? All of the above? None of the above?
I predict photoshopped jpgs of Daffyd ab Hugh holding a mayonnaise-smothered Muslim.
No soup for you!
President’s policy in Iraq hovers around 35% of likely voters….With 35%, you’ve got a pool of more than 100 million Americans to draw from,
Duh, my name is mAhRk and I do arithema, arithenema… math way gooder than you does.
Let’s see here, so in 2004 122,294,978 eligible voters cast a ballot for President. 35% of that is 43 million.
Math, word usage, breathing…it is a lot to keep track of ya know?
Try walking through the local shopping mall wearing a soup suit, and you’ll see what I mean.
I’d just like to point out that Noonan called Bush a finger.
This rhetorical device is typically known as a Wormerism, but only rarely do you see such a pure example.
D’oh – ‘female lesbian’ –
OK, I blame the sinus meds I”m taking-
(Rack-a-fracking lack of Preview Button….)
Doc, I love your screenplay. I especially love the line where Dick says “levee.” Too much.
When they make a movie about Noonan, I propose Jon Lovitz in the leading role.
Oh well so much for my Liz Cheney joke. Looks like the dyke jokes have already been done.
Doc Nebula – that was teh awesome!
Cosignature. Also, nice Pirates of Penzance reference, Mooser.
Oh my God, I just realized he considers himself a centrist on Iraq.
Not only that, he considers himself fabulously well-informed about Iraq, holding far superior knowledge–you know, things like we were greeted as liberators, we found WMDs there, the Iraqis want us there, everything is a smashing success–than that of those Defeat-o-crat assholes with their America-hating “reality.”
Don’t know if you caught it, but Noonan held a Blogs for Bush Woodstock the other day with this post:
“Rather sad that you’ve filled your mind with so many lies…
Katrina was a natural disaster incompetantly managed by the State and local government; Abramoff lobbied Democrats as much as Republicans (which is all extensively detailed in our book, Caucus of Corruption); Plame wasn’t covert and her name wasn’t leaked; US attorneys serve at the pleasure of the President – he can fire them for any reason he chooses, or for no reason at all; Wolfowitz acted in a completely above-board manner; Gitmo exceeds all the requirements of the Geneva Convention which the inmates are not covered under; we don’t torture; we weren’t popular before 9/11, either…
We were greated as liberators; no one said Iraq was an imminent threat; no one ever said Iraq had nuclear weapons; no one ever said that oil profits would pay for the war – that oil belongs to the Iraqis, not to us.
In the past six years we have liberated 50 million people from horrific tyranny; massively increased AIDS funding for Africa; worked out trade agreements to help bring prosperity to third world nations; developed an effective SDI; successfully overcome the recession we inherited; have made the budget on track to balance no later than FY2010, and it will probably balance FY2009 (provided Democrats don’t come in an spend us into oblivion – do you really think we believe you when you say your in favor of fiscal discipline?); real after-tax personal income has risen 10% since January, 2001; average annual growth since 2001 has been 3% – and when you factor in the inherited recession, the Clintonite corporate scandals and the 9/11 attacks, this is a spectacular achievement; productivity has increased 2.8% since 2001 (seems small, but the highly productive American worker has only small room for improvement); more than 7.8 million jobs have been created since we got out of the inherited recession.
Yeah, nothing to show for it – a criminal and incompetant government…if you live in an Alternate Universe, that is.”
That’s some fine, fine reality-making going on there.
I propose that Noonan be portrayed by Richard Fancy, who played Elaine’s boss on Seinfeld. He’s got just the right mix of pomposity, entitlement, and cluelessness. He’s even got the right hair.
I propose that Noonan be portrayed by Richard Fancy, who played Elaine’s boss on Seinfeld. He’s got just the right mix of pomposity, entitlement, and cluelessness. He’s even got the right hair.
Damn, good call right there. And Noonan’s scrawlings certainly lend themselves to Peterman-esque vocal inflections.
Oh well so much for my Liz Cheney joke. Looks like the dyke jokes have already been done.
At Atrios, the commenters compete to be the Frist! Here at SN, the commenters compete to be the first to crack out the easy cheap shots. That’s why Sadly, No! rocks so much harder.
Hey, you try walking through a mall with your finger in a dyke! Security usually escorts you both outside.
tc, thanks for posting that here, so we don’t have to go over there. I hope that post is chiseled onto Noonan’s tombstone.
I could just cope with “finger in the dyke”. But a clause later, “who stands firm” sent me running to the shelter of my Citadel of Political Soundness.
He does look like the offspring of Bob Novak and Richard Perle, doesn’t he?
At Atrios, the commenters compete to be the Frist!
I gave up reading the comments over there when I found out that a thread with 1082 comments consisted of about 30 Frists, about 100 comments about the previous thread, about 50 comments about the current thread, and the rest being a discussion between two commenters about where and when they should meet for coffee.
But a clause later, “who stands firm� sent me running to the shelter of my Citadel of Political Soundness.
Welp, I was too slow on the draw for commenting on that one – I had the same reaction. Heh.
With 35% you can still do a lot, especially when the other 65% is split between defeatists and “kill ‘em all�.
The voice of the sore loser.
I think sam and I gave up on Atrios’ comment section the same day.
Sam, are you buying the coffee today?
Mark Noonan obviously has his head up Christopher Hitchens’ arse. Dyke is a British variant on dike.
Or he’s been reading too much of that subversive Wikipedia, with its commie pinko British spelling. See, people? The founders of Conservopedia are just trying to protect innocent commentators like Noonan! His precious bodily fluids have been sapped …
Sam, are you buying the coffee today?
Oh, jeez, I’m sorry – I already got coffee! Is my face red!
Look, maybe Friday – tomorrow I’ll have to take the kids to soccer.
Don’t you just love the new brand of biscotti they’ve got in at the Garden?
Frist!
Tee-hee!
G’night, SamFromUtah. G’night, merlallen.