I’ll trade you universal health care in return for a ban on abortion
Health care with a ban on abortion ain’t universal. Even I have enough sense to know that. And I don’t have much sense, ever since that unfortunate episode with the cat door that turned out to be locked.

Nothing to say here, just that I’ve always loved the idea of a krauthammer. Sounds so WWII.

This is tiresome. Buy the man some jackboots and a spiffy brown uniform. I’ll chip in some money for a full-length mirror. He can spend his day marching past the mirror and glancing at his gait out of the corner of his eye. Then maybe he’ll leave the Internet alone.

Sa-ay, it’s almost as though conservatives talk about abortion, but actually have some kind of comprehensive anti-sex agenda for everybody but them.

Fixed.

Or is it that butchering unborn children is too important to get conservatives to sign on to health care for all children?

Oh, absolutely. There’s nothing I like better than a good butchering, preferably followed by a barbie (that’s barbecue for you non-southerners). And children are so tender and all.

Is this Bush’s new policy announcement strategy? Bugger press events, he says, I’ll sneak my policy out via some knobhead in the blogosphere. That’ll fix ’em.

I’ve got a better deal for Greasy Mark: they offer universal single-payer healthcare, and Teh Left offers comprehensive sex and contraception ed, with no pissy religious excuses.

Hey, GM, we gottadeal? Sounds unbeatable to me.

Pssst, Mehitabel, you’re letting the side down. The idea is, we proclaim our desire to be inside the house, and our lackeys spring into action to open the door and usher us into the Salon De Crunchies. We Do Not Do ‘cat doors’.

Eurgh. I can’t stand Wordsworth.

The difference between our two stances on this deal is that universal health care is something that we actually want, while I bet you not too many folks on the other side would appreciate the end to the opportunities of pulpit-thumping and slut-shaming that a ban on abortion would bring about.

I’m sure they could find something else to villify, but they’ve already spent so much effort building abortion into a rabble-rouser and an election-winner that they’re probably loathe to start over.

Comprehensive sex education will reduce the incidence of unwanted pregnancies. Abortion won’t go away completely because even a wanted pregnancy can become life-threatening for the mother; and that’s not even mentioning rape. Nevertheless, if people know how to contracept, that would be a big help.

I don’t see why they refuse to understand or accept this. Perhaps they need to feel superior, and fill that need by taking the moral high road, and damn the consequences and implications of all their bloviations!

I’ll trade you universal health care in return for a ban on abortion.

What say you to that?

Wait. You mean Noonan’s got the universal health care? [slaps forehead] I’ve been looking everywhere.

I’d like to see the decision-tree that leads someone to propose something like this.

OT, but you have to see it to believe it…

Does the World Bank have a Department for Institutional Integrity? Does it have an e-mail to report Fraud and Abuse, (investigations_hotline@worldbank.org)?
Does the web site read like a Daily Show skit?

Sadly, yes.

Just who is this swap supposed to be with? My understanding is that nationally, about as many people want universal health care as want abortion to stay legal.

PS technically, there ain’t no such thing as an “unborn child”.

Hmmm. Sleep with Paul Wolfowitz for $193,590 annually. Hmmm. Decisions, decisions.

OK, let me see if I’ve got this straight. Universal health care is good, but the Republicans won’t do it. Banning abortions (part of said “health care”) is bad, so the Democrats won’t do it. Because the Dems won’t do something bad to make the Republicans do the right thing, the Democrats are bad? Ooookay.

Hmmm. Sleep with Paul Wolfowitz for $193,590 annually. Hmmm. Decisions, decisions.

Of course, you believe the monetary promises of a man who can’t afford new socks for himself.

This trading could be good. I’ll trade Noonan a pull-out of Iraq for what’s inside this box.

The Surge is Working
By Mark Noonan at 03:17 AM

-Up that late reading Charles Krauthammer? I got to hook up with Noonan’s dealer..

Noonan:
We’ll just put Brownie in charge of implementing that Universal Health Care deal. Thanks for playing.

Hey, Noonan, let’s make a deal:

I’ll trade you a magic curtain around the United States that prevents all non-citizens from entering the U.S. in exchange for the revocation of citizenship and deportation of everyone in the Bush administration plus their 100 most prominent supporters.

Perhaps the real question, Mark, is why you’re against universal health care for children unless you can leverage in the welfare of tiny, undifferentiated clumps of cells that would, in any case, only develop into actual children to whom you don’t want to grant health care.

That’s a damned good question. Hey, though, while we’re on the subject of trading things that polls show most people want anyway, how about we trade you guys the Impeach-Bush rare card for an Out-of-Iraq action?

Is it foil-stamped and embossed?

S. T. D. Hanson said,
Hmmm. Sleep with Paul Wolfowitz for $193,590 annually. Hmmm. Decisions, decisions.

That’s $193,590 tax free. If it matters.

Hey, how about we trade universal health care–including comprehensive sex education, free contraception, and complete pre-natal and post-natal care–for a ban on non-medically necessary third-trimester “abortions of convenience”–you know, all the ones where the woman aborts in her 8th month to fit into a prom dress? I think we can probably give up a right wing straw man in exchange for universal health care….

mark noonan and dan riehl have to be the biggest jokes of the wingnutosphere

Im wagering if Reynolds, Malkin, Johnson and other wingers had a cocktail party, they would sit around and bemoan these two idiots

I’ll trade you universal health care in return for a ban on abortion.

What say you to that?

Ummm, let me think about it. No. Let me offer a counterproposal. Since the leadership you so worship is a bunch of thugs almost universally hated by everyone in the world, and your party can’t figure out how to disassociate themselves from the bush/cheney cabal, your proposals have pretty much no weight behind them at all. Another couple years of investigations, death and horror in iraq, criminal behavior, stonewalling, prosecutions not to mention iran and your party will be unable to drive policy for a decade. So here’s my counterproposal. I’ll take your universal health care. I’ll keep abortion safe and legal. In exchange, you can shut the fuck up. Get used to eating shit and smiling around the spoon, noonan. You and your ilk are sinking so fast it’s impossible to keep up with all the scandals and investigations.

Buh bye, thanks for playing…

mikey

Hey Markie here’s a rope!

Psyche!

oh mikey

SNNNNNAP!

Beautiful.

mikey:
I’ll take your universal health care. I’ll keep abortion safe and legal. In exchange, you can shut the fuck up.

mikey ’08!!!

yes, because mark noonan is going to be able to convince the entire conservative movement and the republican party, which are dead set against universal healthcare (even more than they are dead set against abortion), to support universal healthcare if we give up on women’s rights.

i guess he’ll have the selling point to conservatives that universal healthcare will be more expensive because of the rate increase of uninsured babies being born. that last sentence wasn’t a joke. if there’s one thing i’ve learned during the bush era, it’s that conservatives LOVE to spend money.

Here’s something I hadn’t thought of until now. I want universal health care. The US needs universal health care. The Democrats would probably run a pretty decent universal health care program. But there are Republicans.

If the last 30 years have taught us anything is that the Republicans actively undermine government. They have no need for competence, because they despise the institution they’re running.

SO, if, at any time in our lifetimes we GET universal health care, we better make absolutely sure that the GOP is nowhere near power, otherwise, they’ll actively work to make universal health care the worst government program it can possibly be — and people will die and they’ll blame the goverment.

Are the anti-abortion right more pro-birth than anti-sex?

Can’t let those Muslims outbreed us, you know…

The second sentence above was meant to be in [wingnut] [/wingnut] tags…

Actually Jay, what they would do is make sure their friends and cronies got rich off of the Universal Health Care program. This corruption would have the net effect you describe – similar in performance and accountability to the Katrina Response – but will meet the Republican requirement that it be run by political friends and enrich political contributors and supporters…

mikey

Remember: to conservatives, life begins at conception and ends at birth.

mikey:
I’ll take your universal health care. I’ll keep abortion safe and legal. In exchange, you can shut the fuck up.

Well, that saves me some typing.

So he wants to “trade” universal health care, something he has no power to give, for sovereignty over the bodies of women, something we have no right to give up? Well hell, I’ll trade those who still support Bush an ETERNAL LIFE OF BLISS for never taking any part in politics again, including the writing of mind-meltingly stupid offers for trades.

I find, when butchering third trimester aborted fetuses that are really babies but semantics allow me to pretend otherwise, that the best way to do so is to squish their heads. Not stomp, that’s brutal and these are almost-babies. Squish. Put your foot on their head and gently step down. Their heads should pop around the soft spot.
And don’t get all uppity n call me brutal. Jebus himself told me this is how almost-babies prefer to be butchered. Also leaves the body undisturbed for proper roasting.
Make Jebus smile, squish an almost-baby head today.

What a creep–he comes across as the sort of psychopath who tells you that he won’t slit your friend’s throat if you let him amputate your dominant hand instead. In the comments on his own blog, he goes on about how abortion is unequivocably a sin, yet he’s willing to use it as a theoretical bargaining chip.

This sort of either/or false choice argument is a sign of desperation. It’s a childish attempt to play like the big boys who can kill a bill by attaching a poison-pill amendment to it.

From Krauthammer: “Second, if the electorate was sending an unconflicted message about withdrawal, how did the most uncompromising supporter of the war, Sen. Joe Lieberman, win handily in one of the most liberal states in the country?”

I don’t know, Krautie old boy, could it be that HE LIED THROUGH HIS FUCKING TEETH? Could that be it, Charlie?

Get used to eating shit and smiling around the spoon, noonan.

mikey hits one out of the fricking toobz!

Sounds like a nice P-Shop subject, also. A two-fer! Take a beer out of petty booze, mikey and hit the weekend! You’ve earned it.

“Second, if the electorate was sending an unconflicted message about withdrawal, how did the most uncompromising supporter of the war, Sen. Joe Lieberman, win handily in one of the most liberal states in the country?�

And there’s also the fact that Republicans hung their own guy out to dry in order to provide some Joe-mentum.

Im wagering if Reynolds, Malkin, Johnson and other wingers had a cocktail party, they would sit around and bemoan these two idiots

You know, you may be onto something here. The wingnut-o-sphere is basically one big circle jerk–as has been pointed out here before, their primary mode of argument is that one of them will post a bullshit story, then all the rest of them will link to it, then link to each other linking to it, and so on, as though this confers some sort of legitimacy. But Noonan always seems to be left out in the cold. Which raises the issue of just how much of a fucking idiot do you have to be for Chazzy Johnson to say, “Whoah, don’t you think you’re going too far there? I mean, that’s just plain dishonest and nuts.”

Does this person have the power to institute universal health coverage? ’cause if he can, he really ought to do so.

Socialism vs murder. Hmmm, difficult choice.

[Can we give you] a ban on non-medically necessary third-trimester “abortions of convenience�–you know, all the ones where the woman aborts in her 8th month to fit into a prom dress?

But Dorothy, they *can’t* accept that. Nope. Why?

Because: there are too many dishonest doctors out there who will cheerfully risk losing their licenses by swearing up and down that those prom dresses represent a “medical necessity”.

I’m *sooo* glad these people are looking out for all those dishonest doctors…y’know, the ones that are always handy when Noonan’s rich friend’s wives/daughters find themselves ‘in a spot of trouble’?

Jeebus.
Oh, and mikey:
*righteous!!*

“From Krauthammer: “Second, if the electorate was sending an unconflicted message about withdrawal, how did the most uncompromising supporter of the war, Sen. Joe Lieberman, win handily in one of the most liberal states in the country?â€?”

By getting 70% of the Republican vote? Along with the aforementioned tooth lying and RNC support?

Dammit, my “wingnut” – “/wingnut” tags around the “Because” paragraph got disappeared into the ozone…

[shakes fist at haloscan, or whatever the hell it is]

Hey Mark, I’ll tell ya what: since you’re yet another man who feels the need to weigh in on abortion, how about if we include free vasectomies in the universal health care plan? Then assholes like you who don’t want to use condoms because they don’t feel good won’t have to worry about producing unwanted “unborn children”. You can then spray to your heart’s content!

By the way, I absolutely agree that “Krauthammer” sounds like Sergeant Slaughter’s tag-team partner if he wrestled during WWII.

Considering a vasectomy is, like, a 20 minute procedure, I would bet that it is covered on most health plans.

Shorter Mark Noonan: In exchange for me giving you something that the majority of the American people want anyway, you have to give me something that they don’t want. Deal?

Socialism vs murder. Hmmm, difficult choice.

hmmmm smells like psycheout needs a dictionary
on second thought a pictionary might be better.

Because: there are too many dishonest doctors out there who will cheerfully risk losing their licenses by swearing up and down that those prom dresses represent a “medical necessity�.

Oh, you’re right–those are the same ones who trick women into having abortions so they can get rich!

I am a particular fan of the ones who tell the woman she’s pregnant when she’s not, then bully her into getting a fake abortion!

Tricksy abortionists…

(And in case you were wondering, yes, I was told every single one of these stories by my Catholic teachers, who swore they were ALL TRUE! Catholics wouldn’t lie, would they?)

Hey, Lefties, Let’s Make a Deal

Funny, I imagined him saying this Lou Costello style, as in:

“HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYY LEEEEEEEEEEEFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTIEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSS!!!111!!1!!1!!1!!1!1!

Yeah, how about we ban fake abortions in turn for universal health care!

Okay, but wait. “Universal” means, like, everybody in the universe. That’s a lotta health care. Which we so can’t afford.

So, Mark, to “sweeten” the deal for you free-market types, we’ll take Semi-Universal health care, by which we mean, everyone in the universe except Republicans. The children of Republicans (under the age of 18) we’ll provide for. The rest of you can enjoy the efficiencies of the market.

And, alas, while we can’t agree to banning abortions for everyone, we CAN agree to banning them for Republican women. And men, if you like.

It’s called half a loaf. Dig in!

Socialism vs murder. Hmmm, difficult choice.

So, we should we put every US company at a competitive disadvantage by making them pay for heath insurance (vs. the rest of the industrialized world, where the sate pays) just because you think people won’t work hard enough without the fear of illness and death? Why do you hate capitalism and the American economy?

And just stop it with the whole “abortion is murder” thing. If you guys really believed it was murder, you’d be trying to legislate criminal penalties for doctors (you know, the rich guys actually doing the “killing”). Can’t you just finally admit, after all this time, that’ its got nothing to do with little pink maybe-someday-babies and everything to do with punishing those awful sluts who don’t act the way you tell them to?

Kingubu, if you will let me add one thing you your argument.

If abortion is murder, then should not any woman who willfully has one (and hence it would be premeditated) be charged with first degree murder? Shouldn’t there be a death row for the worst offenders?

Just wondering.

Which stage of grief is bargaining? Comes after denial, right?

The Conservative Movement, Rest In Pieces.

Here’s MY counteroffer to Noonan: give me your banking information and $10,000, and I’ll give you 20% of the 50 million I’ve got in my family’s frozen Nigerian bank account. How can you lose??

Or how about this: give me hand-counted voter-verified paper ballots and nationwide uniform election laws, and you can require all the voter ID you want. The GOP will NEVER take that deal- they’d never hold the White House again.

kingubu: Don’t forget charging the womenfolk with accessory to murder and murder-for-hire. What’s that, wingnuts? You don’t want to go that far? So, it’s not really murder, is it?

Mikey, I adore you. Also, Mr Wonderful, who is.

I’ll take that trade, that way, when pregnant teenage girls end up in the hospital after trying to give themselves an abortion in their bedroom because they have no other legal alternative, the government can pick up the tab.

I think that Noonan finally just realized that If the Government is going to force a rape or incest victim to carry her assailent’s child to term, the least they can do is pick up the tab.

And just stop it with the whole “abortion is murder� thing.
Can’t remember where I came across this argument first — could have been here, could have been Pharyngula — but it bears repeating:
If anyone seriously wanted to bestow full human rights on a blastocyte or embryo, they would look at the proportion of blastocytes that don’t implant — not to mention embryos that abort spontaneously before being noticed — and they would treat it as a world-wide health crisis. There would be outcries about this huge loss of human life, and a reallocation of research funds.
The absence of such an outcry suggests that the ‘fertilised ovum = human’ equation is purely for rhetorical purposes.

Socialism vs murder. Hmmm, difficult choice.

Psycheout: tosspot or knobhead? Hmmm, difficult choice.

If abortion is murder, then should not any woman who willfully has one (and hence it would be premeditated) be charged with first degree murder? Shouldn’t there be a death row for the worst offenders?

Don’t even think it: they do it in at least one South American country already. I don’t think it’s a death penalty, but they do lock up the womenfolk for an awfully long time.

I really think there’s no limit to what wingnuts would willingly inflict on women. Don’t give them ideas.

I vote for knobhead.

Do I win anything for playing?

You get to call Psycheout a knobhead, and surely that’s enough of a pleasure. Keep your vowels short and your voiced bilabial plosive strong, and go for gold.

What say you to that?

WTF? Doth Marketh Noonan (Renissance Fair Court Jester to his Majesty’s Wingnuteth Party) even know the King’s Englisheth? Of course, considering the current King, that sounds about right.

My humble reply, Ye Olde Jester.

I sayeth unto you, Jester Noonan, that this barter need not commence. At this time, the Wingnuteth’s doth look to destroy their party and the loyal subjects are sore of mind regarding them.

If Sir Jonathan of Edwards becomes our next President, the loyal subjects will be treated to bothe universal healthe care and continue to imploy the abortive process as necessary. Even if Dame Hillary is crowned, the loyal subject doths consider it a done deal. Therefore, we cannot, in good stead, taketh you up on your wingnuttyeth bullshiteth at this time. But our thanks upon you for continuing to be stupide.

If you guys really believed it was murder, you’d be trying to legislate criminal penalties for doctors

Great idea. Actually there will be penalties for doctors once abortion is banned. Don’t worry. It will take care of itself once the abomination of Roe is overturned.

You probably understand this. How honest of you to pretend otherwise.

Look, you knobheads have worked your little self-righteous asses off for a generation to convince the American public to ban the medical procedures you don’t like. It hasn’t worked.

However, what your single-minded obsession with this one issue has done is to enable some of the most anti-democratic (small ‘d’) opportunists this nation has ever seen into our national political culture. “Vote for us and we’ll ban abortion” Nope. “Vote us control of the Congress and we’ll get right on it” Still no. “Vote one of us into the White House and then we’ll appoint the judges that’ll pave the way to banning abortion” Three Presidents elected with that as a platform, still nothing. Abortion is still legal and no closer to being banned than it was 40 years ago but by golly the people who promised to ban it sure got elected.

Doesn’t it ever make you wonder how the politicians who have managed to totally restructure the country’s tax code, gut environmental and safety and labor regulations, turn a wrecking ball on our social safety have nevertheless managed to do absolutely nothing on the issue that you elected them on? Is it perhaps that they have been promising something they can never deliver? Could it be that they are playing you for fools?

they do it in at least one South American country already

Ithink that’s El Salvador. They do lock up women. They also refuse to terminate ectopic pregnancies, waiting until the fallopian tube ruptures before treating the woman. Nice, huh?

Abomination? there’s an abomination, for our little Psycho friend.

Here’s my own proposal:

Hey ultra-cons, let’s make a deal. Let’s make gay marriage legal. And, if it ends up destroying all of American society as we know it, we liberals will take just as much responsability for it as you guys have for the Iraq war.

*snicker*

As lefties, let’s take universal health care as a trade for a woman’s right to refuse to have sex with her husband or steady boyfriend.

We can speak for all those women, right?

Denial
Anger
Bargaining <— Mark Noonan
Depression
Acceptance

I have this bad habit and I can’t seem to break it.

I keep going to BlogsforBush and commenting on the postings.

I have no good reason for continuing this practice, but I just can’t stop.

It’s like a sore on the inside of your mouth that you can’t keep your tongue off. EEEWWW…

Nice one, Zython. Can’t say fairer than that.

When I put “Krauthammer” into Babelfish it comes up with “Herb Hammer,” but let’s call him “CabbageCudgel” anyway.

I think World O’Crap calls him “Cabbagemallet” sometimes. It’s the “mallet” that makes it sing.

“Cabbagemallet” is good, but isn’t there a rule of comedy that the hard “K” sound is inherently comical? So aren’t two hard “K” sounds better than one?

I guess the jury is out.

I dunno if it’s a rule of comedy, but it is a belief among comedy writers.
“Sex is for making babies and it makes your body ugly and let’s not talk about it.”