Two-Minute Townhall
Got a head for figures, no time for bickerers (or so he says), prefers the company of a woman.
Shorter Michael Medved: It would appear that this Scripture verse justifies giving the poor nothing, and instructs them to like it.
Shorter Frank J. Gaffney Jr.: PBS says a film I helped produce about the vile Muslim threat to civilization is alarmist and one-sided.
Shorter Tom DeLay: No matter what happens in Iraq, the war is a no-doubt political winner for Republicans.
Shorter Michael S. Adams: I wish Al Sharpton would get mad at me.
Shorter Brent Bozell III: I miss the old days when Republican leadership regularly accused Democrats of treason.
Shorter Michelle Malkin: What can the lyrics of popular rap songs tell us about Don Imus?
Shorter Jacob Sullum: As a libertarian, I’m concerned about Rudy Giuliani’s stance on abortion and guns.
Shorter Kathleen Parker: Society needs a reformed Don Imus back on the airwaves more than a reformed Don Imus needs society or the airwaves.
Shorter Tony Blankley: Churchill wouldn’t let the Iranians talk smack to him.
Shorter John Stossel: The thing I like about Fred Thompson is that he won’t let people name a road or nothin’ after him while he’s alive.
Shorter Debra Saunders: I hate to gossip, but I wonder sometimes if those British sailors secretly like all the attention.
Shorter William Rusher: No question about it, the strategy that the president and former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld and their military advisers have followed for the past four years has been a failure. But that’s because we haven’t given their plan enough time!
Shorter Ben Shapiro: People should express political statements I agree with in their entertainment habits.
Shorter Jonah Goldberg: Conservatives, wingnuts, libertarians, lend me your ears: I come not to bury McCain but to praise him.
Shorter William F. Buckley: Would anyone care to muss their hair in the rough-and-tumble world of Dartmouth academic politics?
Shorter Maggie Gallagher: I’ve come to suspect Rudy Giuliani isn’t much of a conservative, and he seems like a total prick.
Shorter Leslie Carbone: What if we privatized student loans?
Love that song!
Completely off topic, but important:
RIP Kurt Vonnegut
http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/ent/stories/041207glvonnegutobit.36c4984.html
For Jonah:
Let’s talk lickspittle to lapdog: the hypocrite’s lookin’ better all the time.
I was going to snark about Delay and the virgin Ben, but fuck.
Time for a drink or two in Kurt’s honor.
That may have been the best Two-minute Townhall ever!
From Tom Delay’s rant. Priceless on so many levels. It describes teh battle between Blue and Red America almost perfectly.
The global war on terror, while often referred to as a new or different kind of war, is shaping up to share several similarities with the Cold War. The opponents are not nations, exactly, but two fundamental, irreconcilable philosophies. On one side is Western, capitalistic, democratic liberalism, tolerant of and sustained by scientific and philosophical curiosity and informed by Judeo-Christian values. On the other side is theocratic, dictatorial Islamic fundamentalism, by definition intolerant of scientific or philosophical inquiry (let alone dissent). It is not simply informed by the Quran but insistent upon obedience to Sharia law, including its terrifying demands for unending, violent jihad against anyone who refuses to bow to Muhammad’s 7th-century proposition, “Submit or die.”
There’s some crazy ampersandage in the link to the Medved column. Did you mean this one?
I swear to Christ I don’t know how you do it. Every time I start reading one of these columns, thinking it will sweeten my fantasies of macing Stossel, I get about two lines in before I just say “gah, fuck this shit I’d rather pull weeds”.
The embryonic conservative insurgency within the GOP couldn’t let hard feelings get in the way of the hard work that needed to be done, AUH20 counseled.
*snort* The Doughy Pantload needs to take a refresher chemistry course. The proper “atomification” of Goldwater’s name is AuH2O, not AUH20, which is something like 1 atom of uranium, 20 atoms of hydrogen and 1 atom of…*checks periodic table*… WAIT A MINUTE! There’s no atom labeled “A!” Doughy is making up elements!
I met someone last week visiting from Seattle who shamelessly name dropped none other than Michael Medved! Much blather about how absolutely brilliant Medved was and how, if I were ever in town, he could introduce me.
I kept a straight face throughout the conversation, but my ability to take my interlocutor at all seriously instantly plunged to zero.
Oh, and check out this gem from Buckley:
It is difficult to understand the hostility so many colleges have toward alumni who are vigorous and devoted.
Yes, it’s the vigor and devotion of Horowitzian alums that we academics so object to!
It looks like a certain someone from Sugarland wants to be White House war czar.
I met someone last week visiting from Seattle who shamelessly name dropped none other than Michael Medved!
Two weeks ago, I was on the train sitting next to a guy extolling the wonders of John Stossel.
I had to unroll my eyes with power tools once he finally left.
The very first sentence of Ben Shapiro’s effort:
“Rosie O’Donnell is unqualified to speak on anything other than weight problems or lesbianism.”
Presumably because she’s experienced both, of course. I guess that would explain why The Virgin Ben has assembled a book-length collection of sentences about pornography . . . and I guess that also means he’s promising to stop writing about, you know, actual sexual contact with another human being.
There’s a veritable mine of comedy gold in Shapiro’s first sentence, spencer, but I couldn’t make it melt it down into a joke that also summed up the rest of his column. FWIW, here’s what I came up with:
Rosie O’Donnell is unqualified to speak on anything other than weight problems or lesbianism. I’ve published two books on pornography and avoiding homework, so draw your own conclusions.
Oh, and link’s fixed on Medved. Thx, elendil.
“On one side is Western, capitalistic, [D]emocratic liberalism, tolerant of and sustained by scientific and philosophical curiosity and informed by [humanistic] values. On the other side is theocratic, dictatorial [Christian] fundamentalism, by definition intolerant of scientific or philosophical inquiry (let alone dissent). It is not simply informed by the [Bible] but insistent upon obedience to [Biblical] law, including its terrifying demands for unending, violent [war] against anyone who refuses to bow to [the Republicans’] 7th-century proposition, “Submit or die.â€?”
Tom Delay speaks the truth via clever bracketing.
[…] April 12th, 2007 — PA_Lady I love Travis at Sadly, No! because he’s willing to brave the Townhall in order to spare the rest of […]
I swear to Christ I don’t know how you do it. Every time I start reading one of these columns, thinking it will sweeten my fantasies of macing Stossel, I get about two lines in before I just say “gah, fuck this shit I’d rather pull weeds�.
I agree–wading through that swamp of Teh St00pid is a task that could make Hercules blanch. It’s pretty amazing that you’re able to read all that wingnuttiness (and this is coming from a guy who regularly swings by BlogsforBush).
“Shorter Leslie Carbone: What if we privatized student loans?”
Well, for one thing, THEY HAVE. Witness the current flap about influence peddling and favorable treatment by Sallie Mae, as investigated by NY’s AG (?) Cuomo. They paid a $5M settlement, I seem to recall. So, shit, they’ve already done it.
What we need, of course, is nationalizing it — go totally to Direct Loans, and stop rewarding the bleeding banks for doing what they do.
Ed
As usual, your Kathleen Parker entry impresses.