We’ve mocked our share of folks over the months. Amber Pawlik (a few times,) Doug Giles, (thanks to World O’Crap) Steven “Stratego” Den Beste. Adam Yoshida. Yet all of those freaks unusual authors were brought to our attention by other bloggers (thank you!) That’s not a problem per se, but we’d be lying if we didn’t admit to wanting to find our own freak. Someone whose hidden talents could be discovered and shared on the greater platform that has become Sadly, No! Have we now found such an individual? Chances are no, but as we came across him earlier by accident, we shall proceed as if he is ours.

Readers, say hello to Brian Cherry. Brian, who is totally not gay no sir why do you ask?, has some pretty strong thoughts on the matter of homosexuality, as evidenced by the title of his article:

Marriage, Normal Behavior and the Gay Lifestyle

But before getting down to business, it turns out that Brian is nostalgic for a time when men were men and tigers could feed on something tastier than German homosexuals:

History?s greatest empire had its own special set of problems. Every now and then an emperor would go off the rails and burn the whole place down. A person getting bitten by tigers was considered normal entertainment and not just the result of a Vegas magic act gone awry. Add in that time when they decorated several miles of their main road with crucified bodies, just to make a point, and you have a nation with the type of problems that would make Dr. Phil rethink his career path and go into plumbing.

As we’re not sure which parts of that are meant to be funny and which are the serious ones, we’re going to move along, as Brian explains why he needed to bring Rome into the picture:

What do Rome and Gay society have in common? When you take away the penchant for bath houses, not much. When you add the word ?marriage? to the formula, the similarities become clear.

Are you seeing the similarities dear reader? Was alcohol involved at all? It doesn’t matter — Brian can enlighten you:

Marriage was the backbone of society before there were even governments to legally recognize it. It has been the one universal constant with all societies. Marriage is normal. Without that lifeline to normal society homosexuals must wallow in their own culture.

In other words, marriage is so old there was marriage even before there was marriage, and without it, homosexuals remain condemned to their alternate (and) abnormal universe, forced to roll themselves about in an indolent or ungainly manner in gayness. And that would be bad, because if there’s one thing most homosexuals want (we guess,) it is to join the normal society made up of the Brian Cherry (and his single male roommate) of the world. Brian, fortunately, is only getting started:

Anyone who has watched the show ?Cops? knows that domestic violence is a problem. According to the American Journal of Public health the problem goes far beyond the mullet wearing, shirtless masses that show up on that show.

Give me your tired, your poor,
Your shirtless, mullet wearing masses yearning to breathe free

In the case of homosexual couples the America Journal of Public health reports numbers that are far more then sobering. In Gay partnerships there is a 39% rate of domestic abuse. Looking at the battering that goes on in homosexual pairing, it goes beyond being a problem. It is an epidemic of violence. Eight letters will not change this, but they will feel better about themselves.

So since gay marriage won’t stop domestic abuse, then gays shouldn’t marry. Or, at the very least, they should be forced to watch Cops on TV. Just when you thought Brian had entered the realm of the completely insane however, he goes one… step… further:

The Center for Disease Control did a study on the longevity of those caught in the homosexual lifestyle. With AIDS factored in, the CDC concluded the average age of death for a Gay person was 37 years. When AIDS was removed from the equation their life expectancy shot up to 42 years. Life expectancy for Heterosexuals was in the high seventies. Almost twice that of homosexuals.

We don’t know what study Brian found. We do know that the one “Study” often quoted to that effect has been shown to be bogus many times over:

Cameron’s method had the virtue of simplicity, at least. He and two co-authors read through back numbers of various urban gay community papers, mostly of the giveaway sort that are laden with bar ads and personals. They counted up obituaries and news stories about deaths, noted the ages of the deceased, computed the average, and published the resulting numbers as estimates of gay life expectancy.

Brian cites an unnamed CDC study, but adds “factoring in AIDS” which is likely to mean “if you count all the people who die young, then this group has a very short life expectancy.” No shit. But Brian isn’t a man of hate and war — he’s a man of love pity. Yes, pity:

Don?t hate them or be angry at their attempts to take what they can never have. If you lived in their cultural, you would be working hard to co-op another more palatable identity as well. Pity them. Every time somebody appears on TV talking about how the definition of marriage must apply to them or things won?t be fair, pity them. Every time they hatefully refer to us as breeders, pity them. Every time a flamboyant queen talks about how much more fun they have then white bread America, pity them. They want the normal life they can never have because to get what they desire would require them to change their lifestyle. The human body rejects homosexuality like it was a mismatched organ. Pity them, but don?t let them past the gates of the empire. Their culture will have to be good enough for them.

So there you go — pity the flamboyant queen, the pro-gay rights activist, whose lifestyle their body rejects like a Thomas Sowell-supplied kidney. Just remember: it’s not Brian that has the self-esteem problem and needs to keep gays out — it’s the other way around entirely.