Web sites, Normal Reasoning, and the Conservative Lifestyle

We’ve mocked our share of folks over the months. Amber Pawlik (a few times,) Doug Giles, (thanks to World O’Crap) Steven “Stratego” Den Beste. Adam Yoshida. Yet all of those freaks unusual authors were brought to our attention by other bloggers (thank you!) That’s not a problem per se, but we’d be lying if we didn’t admit to wanting to find our own freak. Someone whose hidden talents could be discovered and shared on the greater platform that has become Sadly, No! Have we now found such an individual? Chances are no, but as we came across him earlier by accident, we shall proceed as if he is ours.

Readers, say hello to Brian Cherry. Brian, who is totally not gay no sir why do you ask?, has some pretty strong thoughts on the matter of homosexuality, as evidenced by the title of his article:

Marriage, Normal Behavior and the Gay Lifestyle

But before getting down to business, it turns out that Brian is nostalgic for a time when men were men and tigers could feed on something tastier than German homosexuals:

History?s greatest empire had its own special set of problems. Every now and then an emperor would go off the rails and burn the whole place down. A person getting bitten by tigers was considered normal entertainment and not just the result of a Vegas magic act gone awry. Add in that time when they decorated several miles of their main road with crucified bodies, just to make a point, and you have a nation with the type of problems that would make Dr. Phil rethink his career path and go into plumbing.

As we’re not sure which parts of that are meant to be funny and which are the serious ones, we’re going to move along, as Brian explains why he needed to bring Rome into the picture:

What do Rome and Gay society have in common? When you take away the penchant for bath houses, not much. When you add the word ?marriage? to the formula, the similarities become clear.

Are you seeing the similarities dear reader? Was alcohol involved at all? It doesn’t matter — Brian can enlighten you:

Marriage was the backbone of society before there were even governments to legally recognize it. It has been the one universal constant with all societies. Marriage is normal. Without that lifeline to normal society homosexuals must wallow in their own culture.

In other words, marriage is so old there was marriage even before there was marriage, and without it, homosexuals remain condemned to their alternate (and) abnormal universe, forced to roll themselves about in an indolent or ungainly manner in gayness. And that would be bad, because if there’s one thing most homosexuals want (we guess,) it is to join the normal society made up of the Brian Cherry (and his single male roommate) of the world. Brian, fortunately, is only getting started:

Anyone who has watched the show ?Cops? knows that domestic violence is a problem. According to the American Journal of Public health the problem goes far beyond the mullet wearing, shirtless masses that show up on that show.

Give me your tired, your poor,
Your shirtless, mullet wearing masses yearning to breathe free

In the case of homosexual couples the America Journal of Public health reports numbers that are far more then sobering. In Gay partnerships there is a 39% rate of domestic abuse. Looking at the battering that goes on in homosexual pairing, it goes beyond being a problem. It is an epidemic of violence. Eight letters will not change this, but they will feel better about themselves.

So since gay marriage won’t stop domestic abuse, then gays shouldn’t marry. Or, at the very least, they should be forced to watch Cops on TV. Just when you thought Brian had entered the realm of the completely insane however, he goes one… step… further:

The Center for Disease Control did a study on the longevity of those caught in the homosexual lifestyle. With AIDS factored in, the CDC concluded the average age of death for a Gay person was 37 years. When AIDS was removed from the equation their life expectancy shot up to 42 years. Life expectancy for Heterosexuals was in the high seventies. Almost twice that of homosexuals.

We don’t know what study Brian found. We do know that the one “Study” often quoted to that effect has been shown to be bogus many times over:

Cameron’s method had the virtue of simplicity, at least. He and two co-authors read through back numbers of various urban gay community papers, mostly of the giveaway sort that are laden with bar ads and personals. They counted up obituaries and news stories about deaths, noted the ages of the deceased, computed the average, and published the resulting numbers as estimates of gay life expectancy.

Brian cites an unnamed CDC study, but adds “factoring in AIDS” which is likely to mean “if you count all the people who die young, then this group has a very short life expectancy.” No shit. But Brian isn’t a man of hate and war — he’s a man of love pity. Yes, pity:

Don?t hate them or be angry at their attempts to take what they can never have. If you lived in their cultural, you would be working hard to co-op another more palatable identity as well. Pity them. Every time somebody appears on TV talking about how the definition of marriage must apply to them or things won?t be fair, pity them. Every time they hatefully refer to us as breeders, pity them. Every time a flamboyant queen talks about how much more fun they have then white bread America, pity them. They want the normal life they can never have because to get what they desire would require them to change their lifestyle. The human body rejects homosexuality like it was a mismatched organ. Pity them, but don?t let them past the gates of the empire. Their culture will have to be good enough for them.

So there you go — pity the flamboyant queen, the pro-gay rights activist, whose lifestyle their body rejects like a Thomas Sowell-supplied kidney. Just remember: it’s not Brian that has the self-esteem problem and needs to keep gays out — it’s the other way around entirely.


Comments: 19


It’s good to see someone willing to stand up and reject the organ of homosexualism, even as it batters at our pristine gates.


Isn’t he a former member of the Village People?


The human body rejects homosexuality like it was a mismatched organ

All the men I’ve given great blowjobs to would be puzzled to be told that my body had rejected homsexuality.

Seb, Sadly Yes! you’re on to a winner here.


Great find, Dr. No! You must have searched far and wide to find this poor man’s Fabio.

I like the part of his biography that says he enjoys poking liberals with literary sticks.

I’m thinking maybe he should try to do a better job of keeping his literary stick in his pants.

And I see that his website also carries another of our heroes: Hans Zeiger. Boy, hanging out in the break room there must be a regular barrel of monkeys…


You’ve found a winner, Seb: “After college Brian began to dabble in field Archeology. He spent time in the jungles of Mexico digging for Mayan artifacts. Though this sated his obsession with history, the lack of funding that haunts most field expeditions limited his time there. Eventually he wound up back in MI teaching high school history.” You can’t invent a story this pathetic nor writing this bad. I hope you look into his other essays, especially, “Praying at the Altar of the Shaved Ape.” http://therant.us/staff/cherry/praying_at_the_alter_of_the_shaved_ape.htm


By the way, he does spell it “alter.” Moron.


Oh my God! He’s a teacher? Will no one think of the children???

I think shaving apes is high risk behavior, by the way, and I enourage Sadly, No! readers not to attempt it.


Wow. This guy’s a keeper.

More Cherrybombs!


I didn’t realize that our new hero is also an acclaimed author of fine literature. His book has two glowing reviews at Amazon, one of which offers this helpful information: “Trust me, this is NOT a dry, boring read by any stretch of the imagination, but the reader will be to busy laughing their heads off to notice, anyway.”

Yeah, that sounds like it’s probably about right.


you got the way to move me, cherry,
you got the way to groove me!


Bill S: We love it when you talk dirty!



You beat me to it!!! That was going to be my comment. Oh well. I really have nothing to add to this thread. I agree that Dr. Sadly No has really found something special here, and should pursue this line of folly until Brian wises up and either ceases publishing or sends himself to an accredited school where he could learn something, anything, about history.



All the men I’ve given great blowjobs to would be puzzled to be told that my body had rejected homsexuality.

Huh, Amber forgot to include her handle on that comment.


Amber Pawilk, Doug Giles, Adam Yoshida, and now Brian (snicker) Cherry – all fines examples of how the internet can satify our quest to discover and mock complete wackos.

But I note that one of my favorite wackos has yet to be appreciated: Ricky Vandal – arch-conservative, creator of his own pagan church, stalker of Jenna Bush, and trailer trash to boot.

About a month ago he posted on Adam Yoshida’s site, it was an amazing quantum kook-convergence.


Is he sporting ‘Nickelback’ hair or is that still good-old ‘Michael Bolton’ hair?


This is hilarious. Great to have you back, Seb.


“Is he sporting ‘Nickelback’ hair, or is that still gold-old ‘Michael Bolton’ hair?”
To me, he looks like a sexless, constipated Aragorn.


“We love it when you talk dirty!”
I was just quoting lyrics from Neil Diamond’s “Cherry, Cherry”. But if that’s what turns you on…


Ask Brian how many women he’s told the line “My fiance just died. See, here’s a newspaper article with her name in it. I’m lonely and hurt. Will you have sex with me?” and see what he says. For all his supposed conservatism he’s a whore. He uses women and throws ’em away. Way to go Brian ! Nail ’em and bail ’em.


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