Marquee Noonan
Progressive morality is inhuman, but more importantly it is also anti-God. The left lives in a pantheistic world where God, if he exists at all, is a mere affirmer of whatever any particular progressive wants to do.
Whereas Mark’s God, the One True God, is pro-war, pro-death penalty and encourages people to stock up on automatic weapons.
The leftwing God makes no demands on his people to change but he does, it seems, demand they set about changing everyone else.
Whereas Mark’s God tells Bush to stay the course and force the Iraqis to become pro-Amurcan flag-wavers.
Never underestimate the craving of people for affirmation – people want to know that they are good and decent and do the right thing, and some people will fall for just about anything which tells them as much.
Even books filled with talking snakes, arks that can fit two of every single animal in the world on them and men who can part the entire Red Sea just by waving their hands around.
The primary motivation of a progressive is to not have to change to accomodate anyone (certainly not God) and to have his or her choices ratified with approval by society as a whole.
You know, I don’t honestly give a shit whether society approves of my personal decisions- indeed, my creepy fantasies involving lesbian midget strippers and potted plants are something I definitely don’t want in the public eye. My only argument is that it’s really none of society’s business what I do, as long as I keep it in my own damn house.
The contrast between this and what we call traditional morality cannot be more stark. As a sinner, I sometimes crave the applause of the crowd – but in my more rational moments, I know that the only person I have to please, and want to please, is God. If Caucus of Corruption sells a million copies and makes me fabuloulsy rich and famous, but it displeases God, then I will have failed utterly – if it sells only one copy and winds up ruining my job and causing me to lose all I have, but it pleases God, then I will have a fabulous success.
Then Mark, let me be the first to wish you a fabulous success.
Progressives are exceptionally “other directed” – meaning they take their self worth from the crowd. Non-progressives are, on the whole, more inner-directed – seeking the will of God as best they can understand it and seeking to carry out this calling to the best of their ability. The battle we fight in domestic politics is in large measure a religious conflict – a battle between those who’s beliefs, while based on faith, are understood via reason and those who take what they believe entirely on faith, and often in defiance of easily ascertainable facts.
Did Mark just admit that he readily ignores easily ascertainable facts? I mean, it’s not news or anything, but it’s amazing to hear him come out and say it.
Our opponents are deeply embedded in government, education and media and thus will prove a difficult tick to remove from the body politics, but remove it we must. It must be removed because, as Atbashian points out, it is inherently destructive in results, even if it moves forward with the best of intentions. It is good to keep in mind that our progressives say they are in favor of love, but find nothing wrong with abortion. After that, there really isn’t any further evidence needed to prove that they are divorced from traditional morality and are following some false god.
Versus Mark’s God, who apparently thinks it’s a-OK to start a war on false pretenses.
So then Noonan feels that religious Muslims have the same moral ascendancy, even when the diktats of religious faith require that they send aircraft ballistic into office towers.
Let’s see…
Projection, projection, projection, projection, projection, projection, accusation of idolatry.
how does this man whom I’ve never met know exactly what I’m thinking and feeling? What a fucking douche.
Our opponents … will prove a difficult tick to remove
SPOON!!!
“….their God is merely an affirmer of whatever it is they want to do.”
Isn’t everyone’s? Yeesh!
Wow. I think Mark Noonan is my new god! Guide me, Mark! Guide me, Oh Great One!!
Authoritarians do not understand individualism. Just ask them. They have no idea.
“I know that the only person I have to please, and want to please, is God … Non-progressives are, on the whole, more inner-directed – seeking the will of God as best they can understand “
Let me see if I have this right , Noot-bar says all he has to do is please God. Being Inner directed, God will let Noot-bar know if he is pleasing him? Pray tell does this result in an inner feeling of well being? So… shorter Noonan “If it feels good do it”?
Setting aside the hilarious “in my more rational moments” phrase, does Mark actually believe that God is reading his book and is going to have a thumbs up, thumbs down review of it? Is this is sadder than the people who actually want God’s help so they can win a football game?
“Again I say to you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”
Luckily, that passage doesn’t apply to Republicans, so they don’t have to go changing or anything.
Wow. I think Mark Noonan is my new god! Guide me, Mark! Guide me, Oh Exalted One!
(after all, if god is a person, why not have it be Mark?!?!)
I’m reminded of an old chestnut:
When you talk to God, it’s prayer
When you listen for God, it’s meditation
When God talks to you, it’s schizophrenia
my creepy fantasies involving lesbian midget strippers and potted plants
I thought I was the only one with that fantasy…
You know, Mark may have accomplished something I have long thought impossible: he’s become the craziest person named Noonan on the political right.
No, wait. Not yet. Until Mark starts saying that the angels cry every time someone votes Democrat, Peggy’s still my Noonan qua Noonan.
Pray Your Gods
TtWS-FEAR
i will give the secrets you request
and you will be the one to sacrifice
so lay your olve arms across my breast
and sing the poems, free the butterflies
pray your gods who ask you for your blood
for they are strong and angry jealous ones
or lay upon my altar now your love
i fear my time is short
there are armies moving close
be quick, my love
i feel my body weakened by the years
as people turn to gods of cruel design
is it that they fear the pain of death
or could it be they fear the joy of life
pray your gods who rule you by your fear
for they are quick and ruthless punishers
or lay upon my altar now your love
i fear my time is short
there are armies moving on
be quick, my love
I’m a polytheist. One of the many deities I worship is the god of the properly used relative possessive adjective.
For the love of all that is sacred, why can’t I escape Blogs 4 Bush!?!? Every time I turn around I get hit in the face with the figurative stinky mackerel that is Mark Bloody Noonan! The fucking guy is making my brain spasm and rot.
I nominate this column for the Highly Polished Mirror award.
Chan
Oh, that Mark….He’s a Viking in his dreams!
“Non-progressives are, on the whole, more inner-directed – seeking the will of God as best they can understand it and seeking to carry out this calling to the best of their ability.”
Ahh, Mark Noonan, I finally understand why there are 30,000 person mega-churches!…???
This is hilarious. Christianity in its current perverted, someone tip some tables over sort of way, is a religion of belonging. It is a ‘see and be seen’, ‘let’s go to the basketball arena to hear our pastor who just flew in on a helicopter’ sort of monster.
Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall inheirent the Earth. Noonan?.. Noonan?.. Noonan?..
30,000…Where have I heard that number before?
Shorter* Noonan: Teh Evil Liberals twist tradition to serve their own ends; to prove this, I will now fold 2,000 years of Christian dogma into this fetching origami swan.
* ‘Shorter’ concept invented by Napoleon and perfected by the tiny lesbian strippers in O’Bradrocket’s sweaty wank-o-visions.
arks that can fit two of every single animal in the world on them
I leave off the fucking unicorns and pantywaists pitch a hissy fit. Well there was room, asshole, but they were PLAYING SILLY GAMES and we had to go.
So much for the reality-based community.
Hey Brad, I used to know a midget stripper. You want me to see if I can find her number somewhere?
We’d better hope the christofascists like Noonan don’t wake up to the realization that there is no significant difference between them and the islamofascists. If they ever gang up against us, we’re going to be in big trouble.
You know, Mark may have accomplished something I have long thought impossible: he’s become the craziest person named Noonan on the political right.
No, wait. Not yet. Until Mark starts saying that the angels cry every time someone votes Democrat, Peggy’s still my Noonan qua Noonan.
Oh, I think Mark’s got her beat. Between declaring science “dead” for not being Jebusy enough to his ongoing conspiracy theory about how T3h L3ft is plot to remove Jebus H. God from society to his zero percent accuracy rate when it comes to historical analysis, ol’ Marky’s a class unto himself.
Damn tags!
Ok, I tried to read it. Am I getting this right? Is he saying that the authoritarian christianists are the ones who change over time and the secular humanists left keeps holding on to the status quo?
Homosexuality? The left has accepted, the right is sticking with Leviticus
Slavery? Pretty much the same, although they know they’re not allowed to say it.
HIV? The left would like to distribute condoms, the right wants to force human beings to behave in a distinctly non-human fasion and abstain.
Contraception? The left has gratefully accepted the advances of science including education, morning after pills and HPV vaccines. The righ? Hah.
War? The left recognizes that the world has changed and warfare no longer provides security. Economic partnerships and education are a better solution.
I could, of course, go on and on. Change over time and with discovery has always been the province of progressives. Just go look up the word “conservative” in the dictionary.
But this premise is so obviously faulty that I’m concerned that somehow I’m reading this piece wrong. Is he really saying that?
mikey
Herr Doktor,
I think Noonan’s more a “not in the face, not in the face!” type.
Though I have a need to mock the wingnuts
SadNo’s server laughs at me.
“You shall have no snarking, 503!”
503, 503
503, 503
You shall have no snarking, 503!
Better to 503 in Hell than serve in Heaven.
Is he saying that the authoritarian christianists are the ones who change over time and the secular humanists left keeps holding on to the status quo?
Hmm, revolutionary conservatives. Where have I heard of that before? What ideological movements have pushed for an infallible leader, state corporatism, total war, crushing dissent and anti-liberalism? It’s on the tip of my tongue.
I love your blog, but please don’t use allusions to fabulous Television songs for a pun on a taint like Noonan.
Herr Doktor, So_Cal,
Noonan is definatley the Human Bullet.
Fire Me Boy!
Shut the fuck up Mark! Take your War Christ and put him away in the toy chest. Read the Gospels asshole. I said peace, love, forgiveness, humility, bless them that curse you, and alms for the poor for a reason you authoritarian jerk-off.
Now back to my Sunday poker game. Moses, you deal. Ghandi for the last time stop counting cards!
The Tick may be the most brilliant comic, EVAR!!!!
The Tick may be the most brilliant comic, EVAR!!!!
yeah… definitely…. yeah…..
And now for some good news:
Hooters is opening a restaurant in the Holy Land.
Surely, this means that world peace is just around the corner.
The left lives in a pantheistic world where God, if he exists at all, is a mere affirmer of whatever any particular progressive wants to do.
Shorter Mark Noonan: “I don’t know any lefties, liberals, or progressives, but here’s a handy ass from which to pull information”
a battle between those who’s[sic] beliefs, while based on faith, are understood via reason and those who take what they believe entirely on faith, and often in defiance of easily ascertainable facts.
Did Mark just admit that he readily ignores easily ascertainable facts? I mean, it’s not news or anything, but it’s amazing to hear him come out and say it.
No, he’s saying that’s what Progressives do. He thinks he’s in the “faith moderated by reason” camp.
The leftwing God makes no demands on his people to change but he does, it seems, demand they set about changing everyone else.
Which is soooo totally unlike the self-appointed definers and defenders of Traditional Morality, like Noonan who demands his “inhuman” opponents change or be removed ticks from the sphere of public influence and that “government, education and media” conform to his morals, or like the rest of the “Moral Majority” who demand changes in law, social structure, lifestyle, heck, is there anything they DON’T demand be changed in accordance their worldview? Hilarious.
So God is a “person.” OK.
“Non-progressives” (nice) are “inner-directed,” although what he means by that is “directed by God.” Not what the rest of the world means by “inner-directed,” but then, the rest of the world is progressive. OK.
And progressives a “pan-theists” because either God doesn’t exist for them (not quite the “pan” we had in mind), or God is an “affirmation” of what we want to do. This, of course, has nothing to do with the idea of “pantheism,” and he might as well have said, “The left lives in a hardwarestoremanagerial world in which God, if he exists at all, is a hardware store manager, who” etc.
My question: When do these deeply, deeply stupid essays become just too, too stupid to be worth mocking? Don’t we have better things to do? This guy is not only an idiot, he’s *significantly* an idiot.
What? They all are? And it’s fun?
You’ve got me there!
So never mind.
“The left lives in a pantheistic world where God, if he exists at all, is a mere affirmer of whatever any particular progressive wants to do.”
Um, last time I checked, the left consists of atheist secular commies. Who hate America. Also, God exists in a pantheistic world by definition.
LESBIAN MIDGET #1: Yeee HAAAAA!!!! Ride em cowBrad!
BRAD: Am I bucking enough, ma’am?
LESBIAN MIDGET #2: I say she can’t make it to the eight second bell.
BRAD: Lord knows I never can. Ahhhhh oohhhh oh here I go again….
POTTED FERN: ::singing:: I got spurs that jingle jangle jingle…
JOHN CLEESE: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, this fantasy is much too deviant for our home viewing audiences, I am afraid we here at BBC3 shall have to bowdlerize it.
PENGUINS: ::in unison:: Bowdlerize! Bowdlerize!
JOHN CLEESE: Dash it all, who let these dreadful little Antarctic vermin into the studio — oh fuck they’re crawling up my trouser legs! AAAHHHHHHH HELP ME HELP MEEEEEE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MONTRESOR HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEE
::CLEESE flees offstage, covered in chanting penguins::
LESBIAN MIDGET #2: Whew. That was a close one. We were nearly bowdlerized.
BRAD: No, I’d have run rings around him logically.
LESBIAN MIDGET #1: Run rings around THIS, freak boy! ::snaps riding crop against Brad’s ass::
BRAD: Yes ma’am yes ma’am yes ma’am! ::begins bucking again::
POTTED FERN: ::singing:: Mamas, don’t letcher babies grow up to be bloggers…
Versus Mark’s God, who apparently thinks it’s a-OK to start a war on false pretenses.
Well, after you’ve drowned nearly all life on earth because one species wasn’t quite worshipful enough, why the hell not?
A homage to Mikey:
Our opponents are deeply embedded in government, education and media and thus will prove a difficult candirú to remove from the body politics, but remove it we must.
I reckon the 503 monster ate my tags.
Our opponents are deeply embedded in government, education and media and thus will prove a difficult candirú to remove from the body politics, but remove it we must.
[i]We’d better hope the christofascists like Noonan don’t wake up to the realization that there is no significant difference between them and the islamofascists. If they ever gang up against us, we’re going to be in big trouble.[/i]
Na. Ga. Ha. Pen.
My question: When do these deeply, deeply stupid essays become just too, too stupid to be worth mocking?
Two conditions must be met.
1.) People must not be paid good money to create these deeply stupid essays.
2.) People must be shunned by cable-news channels and at least 80% of the public for writing these deeply, deeply fucking stupid essays.
Sadly, Noonan’s essays meet neither of these conditions.
(Not to say that Noonan himself wouldn’t be shunned by at least 80% of the population. He’s a stupid asshole after all. Unfortunately, we know that 27% or so would agree with what he wrote.)
“…my creepy fantasies involving lesbian midget strippers and potted plants…”
Hey, your creepy fantasies are incredibly similar to mine! However, they are not exactly the same, so you, sir, are a moral degenerate.
Speaking of “removing a tick from the body politics”, I’ve been wondering what Noonan means by “body politics”.
Is this when the Stomach Faction is advocating a policy of More-Beer-Right-Now, against strong resistance from the Pancreas Faction, while the kidneys are off on the sideline somewhere, wringing their metaphorical hands and calling for civility and consensus? If so, I know how he feels.
Must stop now, my bladder is filibustering.
‘body politics’ heh-heh
Ma-a-a-a-ark – God here. Picked up a copy of your book on Amazon (looks like, in fact, I did get the *one* copy that was purchased.) I had heard the title before I read it, and thought it started out with “Cock Us…”, so I was disappointed to not even get some mild pornography.
Anyway, sorry to say, but the book’s absolutley putrid, and outright offensive to me. I’m arranging for the basic loss of everything you own as punishment for having the balls to assume you have the slightest idea about what *I* think is rightous or non-righteous in this world.
To make matters worse, I lost my bet with Satan that, by the new millenium, the little humans would evolve to the point where they could tell which one of us was which. (I passed the book on to him – he thanks you for your homage).
I’m going to let you put the pieces of your life back together, but take my word for it, your new livelihood will *not* involve any capacity for publishing words visible to the human eye.
Best,
Lefty