Two Minute Townhall

I’m not as good at this as Travis, so bear with me…

Rebecca Hagelin: ‘Don’t listen to those “population bomb” hysterics, incontinent breeding is the only way we’re gonna save our civilization.’

John Hawkins: ‘Liberals are the real racists; also, they’re greedy and use so-called “science” as an instrument of fascism.’

Linda Chavez: ‘Poor Scooter Libby is just a martyr to the malice Patrick Fitzgerald feels for Dick Cheney.’

Lorie Byrd: ‘The news is a constant exhibition of liberal fantasies, which makes things difficult for people like me, based in reality.’

David Limbaugh: ‘I take the crime of perjury seriously, but there’s no way Scooter Libby lied, because everyone above him in the administration has been honest all along.’

Paul Kengor: ‘OMG it turns me on that Reagan considered waging a conventional war in Poland in the early ’80s.’

Ed Feulner: ‘Like Osama bin Laden says, no one respects a country with a weak military. So let’s increase the Defense budget lots.’

Rich Tucker: ‘Bush didn’t lie about WMD, and besides, everybody was for the Iraq War.’

Burt Prelutsky: ‘I don’t need psychanalysis to know I’m perfectly crazy, thank you very much.’

Thomas Sowell: ‘Thanks to what the liberal media and a liberal jury have done to Scooter Libby, no one decent will ever want to work in government again.’

Mona Charen: ‘Where it’s reasonable to assume Scooter Libby couldn’t perfectly remember mundane conversations with reporters, it’s not reasonable to assume that Bill Clinton couldn’t remember sex! Oh, you’ll pay for what you’ve done to Libby, liberals!’

Oliver North: ‘Ronald Reagan left Latin America in a beautiful rubble of democracy, a legacy those Leftist freaks down there have totally ruined. Go get ’em, President Bush.’

Charles Krauthammer: ‘Everybody forgets stuff, but it seems that only Bush’s people get sent to jail for it.’

Kathleen Parker: ‘MySpace and Facebook photos are being used against female law students. Boo hoo. Serves you right, exhibitionists!’

Alan Reynolds: ‘What the media may call unethical or illegal, reasonable people like me call sound business practice.’

Jonah Goldberg: ‘For living high while poor Scooter Libby rots in jail, Wilson and Plame ought to have trouble sleeping at night. But they don’t, because they’re satanic.’

John Noonan: ‘These war-sabotaging, back-stabbing lefty bloggers think they’re so smart, but they’re not: I can cite Clausewitz to prove it.’

Victor Davis Hanson: ‘Much hay has been made over Foley, Cunningham, Delay, Haggard, et al., but let me tell you about the real hypocrites: rich liberals.’

Carrie Lukas: ‘The diversity of the presidential candidates for ’08 just goes to show we don’t have to worry about societial prejudices anymore.’

 

Comments: 31

 
 
 

seriously. what sort of zen state do you enter to get through those?

 
 

My tolerance is high. I’ve been doing this for years.

Also, I’m on a strict, uh, drug regimen.

 
 

i’m on sterno and Salvia Divinorum and it still isn’t killing the pain..

 
 

Was there a Mike S. Adams column? You can use the same “shorter” for every one of his columns:

“My penis is very small.”

 
 

I stopped on some show on the History Channel the other night that actually featured Victor Davis Meat And Two Veg Hanson as an “expert” on something or another.

Oy.

 
 

Are you sure it was the History Channel?

 
 

Pro Wrestling, maybe ?

 
 

The History of Odd Hand Motions, to be sure

 
 

Yep, History Channel. There’s been a lot of strange shit on the History/Discovery channels in the last couple of years.

 
 

kingubu, i have feared and loathed the disco-istory channel for some time. i appreciate the

“we’ll examine the evil enigma from every conceivable angle”

context.

have you enjoyed their recent war porn?

 
 

Haven’t seen Futureweapons, but I did stumble over Weapons That Changed The World the other night. Hilarious. When they covered the AK-47 I thought the just-a-little-too-butch-to-be-straight host was going to whip it out right there on camera.

 
 

“Mack” Machowicz, dirk diggler, same same..

 
 

Umm…the first two links point to the Rebecca Hagelin column. You might want to fix that…

 
 

reading some of the above links has resulted in…

I: Level Five — “Immaterial” existence with consciousness severely affected
Lack of individuality; universal consciousness merges with other objects, real or imagined
Lucid thought processes; movement coupled with confusion
Extreme pleasure or fear felt by the experimenter
“Sitter” level; need for someone else present who watches and ensures an injury-free, reassuring experience for the disoriented person
Absence of reality; wrapped in an inner experience

 
 

For “weirdness on the History Channel”, nothing can top a film I saw there a few years ago…..

It was about Atilla the Hun’s invasion of the Western Roman empire in 450 CE. It gets the historical details surprisingly right, which is good, but they turn Atilla into a brunette Fabio. Who wears lether jerkins open to the waist to show off his rippling pectoral muscles, Who likes to go for long walks in the woods with his favorite slave women in order to stare deeply at them with his piercing blue eyes and ask them how they feel about him.

I have searched the History Channel store over and over, looking for a copy of this adventure into mixing history, Harlequin romances, and Surrealism many times, only to be disappointed.

Because that was some crazy shit. I still can’t believe I actually saw it.

 
 

This one, Jillian?

 
Herr Doktor Bimler
 

No good can come of all this delving into Townhall posts. I can see where it’s going…

Mason Parrish: I want someone to look at those X-Rays who can read them.

HTML Mencken: I’d rather not have everyone in the Brigham in on this. It’s bad enough we’ve got this nosy x-ray technician.

Mason Parrish: Are you all right?

HTML Mencken: I’m fine, Mason. I tried to indicate this was just a transient thing.

Mason Parrish: Transient ischemic attack, that’s what it was.
[Addressing Arthur]
He’s got his voice back.

HTML Mencken: It wasn’t an ischemic attack! It wasn’t a seizure. You saw the x-rays, Mason. There was clearly something anterior to the larynx that looked like a laryngal sack. That’s strictly simian! I obviously regressed! To some quasi-simian creature.

 
Qetesh the Shaved Abyssinian
 

judeanpeoplesfront, thank you so much for a link to a wiki page that included this incredible sentence:

Wasson theorized that this plant was the mythological pipilzintzintli

Mythological indeed, my children…

but they turn Atilla into a brunette Fabio. Who wears lether jerkins open to the waist to show off his rippling pectoral muscles, Who likes to go for long walks in the woods with his favorite slave women in order to stare deeply at them with his piercing blue eyes and ask them how they feel about him.

Wow. Wouldn’t Attila have more likely been a short, stocky guy with a beard and an aversion to bathing? And wouldn’t he have been more likely to skewer someone, anyone, than talk to them, slave girls included?

Jesus sodding christ, and that is what passes for history? I’m sure my sister and I could do better. We’d probably be more accurate, since a fairly large swathe of history consisted of blokes killing people then lying about it afterwards.

“I hadda do it, honest! That city looked at me funny!” At least cats are honest.

 
Herr Doktor Bimler
 

Did Rebecca Hagelin really refer to ‘incontinent breeding’? I heard that those pelvic-floor-muscle exercises can help.

 
 

Gawd–!! Can you imagine a Kathleen Parker Facebook page? :::shudder::: Gah, that’s gonna be a nightmare.

 
 

Girl: [about Attila] He’s quite striking – in a primitive sort of way. Look, his clothes are made of animal skins!
Honoria: Don’t worry, he’ll be out of them soon enough.

 
Principal Blackman
 

Wait, there’s a John Noonan? How many batshit-nutty Noonans are there? Is there some sort of cloning facility somewhere?

 
 

Congenital Noonanism.

Or is that… No!Onanism?

 
 

That Fabio the Hun movie is one of the most ass backward historical flicks ever made.

Worst scene (that I remember): Attila strolls through a town, his perfectly groomed golden locks glowing in the sunshine, complaining to one of his men that the construction of his bathhouse is taking too long.

Fortunately, we were stoned enough to think it was funny. Or we couldn’t find the remote, or something.

 
 

OMG! That’s it, kingubu! I think I love you!

That film was the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. The history was pretty solid, but that Atfila was stranger even than the Monty Python Attila.

In actuality, Attila was in his forties at the time of Chalon, and was built like a man who had spent his life on horseback – pigeon toed, bowlegged and barrel chested. He was also Mongolian, which rules out the whole dreamy blue eyes thing. Also, there’s that whole bloodthirsty warmongerer thing, which makes the “long walks in the forest talking about his feelings” trope highly unlikely at best.

I’m gonna have to buy that. It was just too awesome.

As it is now, I’m watching “Jesus Camp”, which is scaring the piss out of me. I”m only about eight minutes into the film, and I’ve already had to pause it to get another beer after listening to some homeschooled twelve year old say that he thinks Gallileo made the right decision to “give up science for Christ”.

This country, ladies and gentlemen, is fucked.

 
Qetesh the Shaved Abyssinian
 

Hysterical Woman said,
March 9, 2007 at 18:17

Girl: [about Attila] He’s quite striking – in a primitive sort of way. Look, his clothes are made of animal skins!
Honoria: Don’t worry, he’ll be out of them soon enough.

Continuation from Honoria: Then all we have to worry about is whether we have enough sticks for the scraping of decades of animal fat and dirt off his skin. Then the ritual bathing, with scented unguents. Then the ritual birching.

 
Herr Doktor Bimler
 

Bathing, birching… Anyone would think that Attila is really a Finnish name.
Bloody Finns.

 
 

Had to pause “Jesus Camp” again after watching a homeschool mom lead her three children through a Pledge of Allegiance to the Christian Flag.

The only thing that could possibly make that shit scarier is this (check the image, not the article).

Jesus fuck me gently with a chainsaw, but this is unnerving. Definitely a must see.

 
 

Okay…the crazy preacher chick just got a round of applause for saying that Harry Potter should be put to death.

I’m still way too sober to be watching this.

 
 

Okay…the crazy preacher chick just got a round of applause for saying that Harry Potter should be put to death.

Now, there’s a neat trick, even at twice the price! I just love it when the fundies can’t tell the difference between “fiction” and “non-fiction.” And, these people vote!

 
 

Marq, it’s not enough that they vote – they consist of a bloc of votes disciplined and solid enough to win elections if you win their bloc.

Have I mentioned lately how totally fucked this country is?

‘Course, the Ted Haggard sections were worth the pain of the rest of the film completely. Haggard preached a sermon on Aaron’s rod and how it bloomed.

He really liked that sermon. He really, really liked that sermon. Something about discussing Aaron’s rod made him extra happy, I guess.

 
 

(comments are closed)