Shorter Charles Krauthammer:

Above: In the presence of a sunbeam becomes death, destroyer of ant farms

‘Music Of the Spheres: Why a Moon Mission Is Worth the Money’

  • If Americans colonized the moon after we invade Iran, history will have fulfilled the fondest wishes of my 10-year-old self. I just might buy that fleet of monster trucks and marry a robot, too.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.


Comments: 50


Everybody, sing!

“We’re whalers on the moon,
We carry a harpoon,

Incontinentia Buttocks

This post is clearly ageist!

Have you ever dressed like that and walked, or rather rolled through a mall?


Alright, that PhotoShop of Krauthammer might be the best one I’ve ever seen.

Assuming, of course, that it is a PhotoShop….


Oh good pasta, that P-shop is priceless.

Can we just shove a rocket up Krauthammer’s butt and send him to the moon by himself?


I’m sure Glenn Reynolds is up for this, especially if the plan involves microscopic handgun wielding nanobots to take out the parts of our brains that loathe genocide and assassination and gently massage our neural “heh, indeed” centers.


Further proof that Sadly, No! is objectively pro-anti-wheelchair-bound neocon exterminationists.


if only he dressed like that while playing chess in dupont circle


Alright, that PhotoShop of Krauthammer might be the best one I’ve ever seen.

Assuming, of course, that it is a PhotoShop….

I know. The quality of the PS around here lately has just been blowing me away. Not that they weren’t great before, but they’re just phenomenal lately. What sort of evil mojo has Gavin been up to?

Galactic Dustbin

speaking of photoshop what happened to the Glenn Reynolds Robot PS contest?

Smiling Mortician

I’d forgotten all about that in light of all the recent, uh, dustups. No offense intended, Dustbin. Didn’t mean to be dustist. Anyway, I sent in my pathetically amateurish entry ages ago. Not that I want to disparage any pathetic amateurs or anything. I’m sincerely sorry if my being sorry is in any way offensive to those who are sorry. Or sincere.


Wait a minute… “Luddite left”?

Putting aside the fact that it was that damn pinko Kennedy who bootstrapped the resources for the US moon missions in the first place, has he never seen red/blue district maps for the high tech centers of the country? Hint: they ain’t red.

Well, its a good thing the party of James Dobson and Pat Robertson, the party who wants their invisible sky friend stories taught as science in the nation’s classrooms, the party whose fears that god might get mad at us for “going too far” is sending all the best bio-tech researchers overseas, is there to protect us from the “Luddites”.


K. Ron Silkwood

Thank you for not making any jokes about the ugly, stupid, incompetent, and lazy. We are very sensitive, but capable of great whinging.

You're Cut Too, Shooshy

My lunar mission
Pretty mission
It gives me meaning now that Iraq’s lost

My lunar mission
Godly mission
Like a Nabokov puzzle, no matter what the cost.


No, Krauthammer, you tit. Future generations will look back and wonder why we squandered all our moon base money in Iraq.

Thanks a lot!


I just caught the end of Clint Eastwood’s “Space Cowboys” on TNT this morning. Tommy Lee Jones winds up getting to the moon after being strapped to six nuclear missiles. Sounds like a good plan for Krauthammer to me.


The only word that jumped out at me from the Kraut’s muddle was exploited, as in “there’s a lot of shit on the moon just waiting to be exploited.”

Well, he didn’t say shit. Kraut’s not uncivil.


Otto man, that’s exactly the kind of thing I was looking for.

You’re obviously an idea man.



Now, that can be said of many things: a balance-beam dismount, a Shakespeare sonnet, a chess problem by Nabokov. But none of these is financed by taxpayers, and none makes a claim to utility. They are there for reasons of aesthetics, and perhaps amusement.

No utility in beam dismounts? Dismounts have a very simple, important function—it’s hard to get off the beam without them. And if they’re performed at the U.S. Olympic Training Center, they are financed by taxpayers.


Otto man, that’s exactly the kind of thing I was looking for.

You’re obviously an idea man.

Thanks. Some people look at Krauthammer and ask “Why?” I prefer to look at Krauthammer and ask “Why not tie him to rockets and shoot him to the moon?”


I’m all for advanced space missions, Krauty baby. I just want them to be financed by cuts in spending on snipe hunts in the middle east and a tax on the top 5%. Gimme those two conditionals, and I’ll be okay with yet another cry of “Mars, bitches!”


And if they’re performed at the U.S. Olympic Training Center, they are financed by taxpayers.

As are Shakespeare sonnets, if they’re kept in libraries.


But for two sets of critics — the Luddite left and the science purists — 50 years is not nearly long enough. They would not build a moon base at all…..The Luddites have long opposed manned exploration as a waste of resources when, as the mantra goes, we have so many problems here on Earth…..A more serious critique of returning to the moon comes not from the Luddites but the purists. They want science,….>/i>

I find it amazing that someone could actually get a column PUBLISHED that rests its basic premise on the supposed positions of not just one but TWO straw-boogeymen (and of COURSE it goes without saying that one boogeyman is Teh Left), without either naming the actual individuals, institutions, or organizations purporting to hold those positions AND without citing a single quotation, action, proposal, or utterance as evidence that such positons are held.

Mmmm….smack! That’s good writin’!


Damn! why do I keep breaking it???


Can we have the preview button back?


Your greater than thingie was less than or equal to your less than thingie. That’s webmaster, talk, g…



Yeah, I know. Damn.


There will be poor always, but the moon is here for but a day.


You guys are totally missing the point: with a lunar base, we get to conquer something! And not like those pesky complicated middle eastern countries where the natives get in the way with their whining about insurgents blowing them up and poking one little hole in the minaret of their mosque.


Don’t misunderestimate the tenacity of the moonmen. They won’t be conquered so easily. You can’t I didn’t warn you!


I like how he compares the space shuttle to the Spruce Goose- it’s a fairly apt comparison.

He goes off the deep end of reality when he writes, “But the Spruce Goose didn’t cost $4 billion in tax money to operate.” He seems to imply that the shuttle is worse because it is a waste of tax money, unlike the Goose? If that’s not his point, why that sentence?

Well, no it probably wasn’t $4 billion, but it was developed and built with a big pile of tax money. The Spruce Goose wasn’t a private boondoggle at all, which is why it was controversial.


There’s nothing quite as beautiful as the space station and the shuttle that services it, and nothing quite as useless.

Yes, of course, us Americans are just supposed to KNOW how People and Equipment are affected by space. Why WASTE money on learning? Fuck that, just dive in and GO GO GO. Its not like “LEARNING” did anybody one bit of fucking good did it Chucky?

Who the fuck needs to know about Cosmic Rays and how to shield against them? Who the FUCK needs to learn how long a human can stand Free Fall? Why the fuck should we care how to replenish oxygen and water? Just pick an amount and GO GO GO.

Chucky, just because “Learning” is an IMPOSSIBLE task for you doesn’t mean that it is WASTED on others.
Please just go back to sucking George’s dick?
Its what you’re good at.
A natural talent, obviously.


More learning then you can possibly contemplate Chucky.

You're Cut Too, Shooshy

Aquagirl, clearly you don’t know how a Bush war works. Insurgents will materialize out of the Sea of Tranquility by the sheer force of his ineptitude. Pink Floyd will be branded proto-terrorists for their coded promise to meet up with the lunistas. Malkin’s henchmen will, for the first time, aim their rifles at something white.


I don’t know what it is about Krauthammer, but he always looks like he’s hiding an enormous frog tongue in his mouth and tracking a fly as it buzzes closer… closer…


why can’t Sadly, No! just attack his ideas? Mitt Romney is definitely going to win in 2008 because of this photoshop. I hope you’re happy.


That ted stevens remix made me wet myself.

I really learned something today.

Just not sure what…



The Ted Stevens video has a cool idea in the comments threads: chain comments!

POO1987PLLOW99 (3 days ago)
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Tadddius (3 days ago)
if you are or have read this comment then you are cursed for life. You will have a terrible life and never get married (if you are already married you will get divorced). Only way to undo this curse is if you comment 5 videos with this exact message

Qetesh the Shaved Abyssinian

Superb photoshopping, truly superb. Almost Mondrian-ian, in its clarity of line.

Pity he’s such a tossbag, though. Hey, didja notice that hat looks alarmingly like a Catholic bishop’s mitre? Wow, I bet there’s a conspiracy there: the super-secret Masons-n-Catholics-n-Illuminati want to reclaim their moonbase after losing it in the 17th century during a contretemp with Newton and a toothpick.

Herr Doktor Bimler

the super-secret Masons-n-Catholics-n-Illuminati want to reclaim their moonbase after losing it in the 17th century during a contretemp with Newton and a toothpick.
That could easily be the plot of Neal Stephenson’s next book.

Qetesh the Shaved Abyssinian

Herr Dok, hey, me and Neal, we’re like that (crosses claws). That Snowcrash thing? Got that from me, the whole gig. But he keeps me in whitebait, so I’m happy.

Speaking of which, the handmaiden is laggard with the crunchy foods. I suspect she’s lollygagging somewhere. I must seek, or she’ll think she can get away with this sort of behaviour, and you know what they’re like then.

Herr Doktor Bimler

It’s the old toothpick-poisoned-with-antimony trick. Just the thing for disorienting alchemist/scientists during a game of whist, so they end up wagering and losing the deeds to their moonbase. Works every time.

Qetesh the Shaved Abyssinian

I thought that only worked on monks? (Note from handmaiden: this is a pretentious reference to the origin of the name ‘antimony’, which came from ‘anti-monk’. Qetesh is not as clever as she thinks she is)


Just for some perspective – we’re spending in four months in Iraq, adjusted for inflation, what it cost for the original Apollo program.


So when is the Femanista mob gonna show up with torches and rope because somebody photoshopping Commander Ftard?


In Russia, preview button previews YOU!


Nobody ridiculed KH for his disability this time round. we went after his ludicrous and execrable ideas, Turdblossom.

Almost makes you think there’s hope for us.


I still say that’s the best damn Photoshop I’ve ever seen.

It’s even got the flipping hat hair!

I am a really, really non-visual person. I don’t notice things like architecture or page layout or any of that. So when it sinks into *my* thick skull how amazing a given image is, it must really be something.


Turdblossom is daddy’s nickname…mine is Little Turd.


The interesting thing about our Mr. Krauthammer:

Back in early 2001, Charlie boy started up the stream of articles explaining how Bush not only could, but should act unilaterally against treaties and nations as he saw fit.

Interesting, that. Seeing as how this was prior to 9/11/01.

Go back and take a look at our Mr. Krauthammer’s extremely timely predictions of needed unilateralism upcoming…..


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