Dr. Condoleezza Rice Discusses Iraq and the Middle East, Interview with Al Arabiya television
Room 459, Eisenhower Executive Office Building
May 3, 2004, 1:24 P.M. EDT

Interviewer for Al Arabiya
Dr. Rice, Grand Vizieress of the evil Crusader Forces
Khalil, the humble and virtuous Arab translator

Q: [AL ARABIYA INTERVIEWER] Dr. Rice, thank you for giving us in Al Arabiya this chance to talk to us. We have to be clear about these pictures and images of abused Iraqi prisoners. The pictures are everywhere in the media.

KHALIL, THE TRANSLATOR: The interviewer has established the ubiquity of evidence proving the bestial madness of Crusaders and their contempt for the humanity and righteousness of Muslims.

[DR. RICE nods]

KHALIL: As Dr. Rice tenses her face, doubts of her honesty bloom in my mind like the apricot orchards a fabled Vizier of the Ottomans planted as tribute to the beauty and chastity of his thousand virgin daughters, one tree for each, each tree yielding one thousand perfect blossoms yet not matching the beauty of the one thousand perfect blushes of modesty emanated from each daughter.

Q: In the street, some people are saying that Saddam’s [rule was] better than American [rule].

KHALIL: The questioner graciously wishes to spare the Vizieress the shame of lying before an intelligent audience by informing her that even that pizzle of a rutting camel Saddam Hussein, before embracing Islam, was not so bad as the Crusader beasts.

Q: — this came in a time that U.S. engaging in heavy, heavy public diplomacy. How do you see this?

KHALIL: And to make explicit the extent of our intelligence, oh brothers and sisters, the questioner is making clear to the Vizieress that we are aware of the Crusaders’ attempts to pack our ears with the camel dung they call public relations so that we may be deaf to the cries of our defiled brothers and sisters. The questioner seems to be inching towards asking the question on every Arab and Muslim mind for nigh on fifty years. Is the Crusader-Zionist alliance intentionally trying to make things so bad, and us so mad, to execute their plan of obliterating our lands with nukes, vindicating our suspicion that first disarming us of weapons was a means of securing our submission to ease our enslavement without rendering the oil radioactive.

DR. RICE: The President spoke about these terrible pictures the other day when he said that he was personally sickened by them.

KHALIL: The Vizieress Dr. Rice, whose tribal name means some kind of small, insignificant white speck and whose first name Condoleezza means “The Only Daughter of Africa in Existence Who Wears a Little Mullet”, has avoided addressing the torture to accentuate President Bush’s pain. Oh, righteous servants of Allah, the Head Crusader Devil is uncomfortable. Oh, how wracked with pain is the tummy of the Devil. Oh, how our brothers and sisters’ suffering upsets his stomach as he fills his blabbering idiot mouth with unclean pig flesh while lounging around watching the sport of cradling an inflated ellipse of unclean pigskin in one’s armpit and saying “Booyah!“

DR. RICE: And we all feel outraged at these pictures.

KHALIL: Our anger is as insignificant to them as our pride, as the Vizieress does not acknowledge either. But oh, how the Crusader Devils are angry and shocked. Yes, it is they, not us, who tremble with anger and shock, for what are we but mere burden beasts to tote the oil to market so their sons may emulate the Head Crusader Devil and buy their drugs and their daughters may emulate the whores of yore and bedeck their feet with toe cymbals and girdle their bellies with jewels?

DR. RICE: I won’t speak to the individual cases. People will have their individual rights respected as they are — as they go through process.

KHALIL: Indeed, our brothers and sisters are respected in the abstract while being defiled and humiliated in sickening fashion. The Vizieress flogs these lies as a cruel keeper of the camels would harry his caravan to market in time for the end of Ramadan.

DR. RICE: But I can — I want to assure people in the Arab world, Iraq, around the world, and the American people, that the President is determined to get to the bottom of it …

KHALIL: While attempting to lull us with a glittering tapestry woven of serpent words that deflect their true intent as the scales of the snake hides it from the sandaled foot of the righteous pilgrim passing unaware, the Vizieress has employed a double-edged vulgar phrase. Either she means that the Head Crusader Devil intends “to investigate thoroughly”, or that he intends to personally defile the bottoms of prisoners with the shame of sodomy.

DR. RICE: … to know who is responsible and to make sure that whoever is responsible is punished for it and held accountable.

KHALIL: Ah, she claims to use the vulgarity to mean “investigate thoroughly”, and yet an educated woman cannot have chosen such a phrase without realizing its implications in this context. Apparently the Head Crusader Devil who sent the bloodthirsty minions to torture and shame us is announcing that he wants to know who ordered this large-scale mission to torture and shame us. Oh, brothers and sisters, with how much of this foul dung must we pack our ears before we are deafened to the cries of our brothers and sisters being beaten and shamed into submission?

DR. RICE: And he’s determined to find out if there is any wider problem than just what happened at Abu Ghraib.

KHALIL: Apparently the Head Crusader Devil pleads ignorance at the widescale punishment of our people for weapons we did not possess, though so he did falsely claim. Oh, how foully he lied to invade and conquer the lands of our children’s sons and daughters whose yet unborn laughter flows through the air like cooling breezes of an elder’s most joyful imaginings that calm his restless sleep on a sweltering night.

DR. RICE: And so he has told Secretary Rumsfeld that he expects an investigation, a full accounting.

KHALIL: The Head Crusader Devil has, for appearances, instructed the Overseer of his Sodomite Excecutioners to oversee the fictitious investigation of his minions’ foul crimes. The Vizieress belches the stench of decay from her lips as a camel briskly farting after feeding on an immense meal of fig rinds and fruit peel.

DR. RICE: Americans do not do this to other people.

KHALIL: The Vizieress hopes for us to substitute pitch-black unseeing blindness for the glittering golden cast of the sun rising against the minarets at the time of morning prayer.

DR. RICE: Those pictures were awful because America — American men and women in uniform, active and reserve, are serving in Iraq at great sacrifice. People are losing their lives. We came there to help to liberate the people of Iraq.

KHALIL: Oh, understand the cruel logic, brothers and sisters. We are beaten and defiled, yet the Crusader armies are the ones who suffer. Oh what pain they endure, lolling in the cool marble of Saddam’s palaces eating their soggy patties of ground festering pigflesh with a reeking “special sauce”, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun. Oh, how they writhe in the torment of twenty hells filling their fat bellies with the gaseous liquid evil of Coca Cola and alcoholic drinks while our sickened and hungry children cry for a cup of boiled barleygrain.

DR. RICE: We came there to build schools, and to build clinics …

KHALIL: In bombing our schools and clinics the Crusaders meant to convey that they came to build schools and clinics.

DR. RICE: … and we want very much that the images of Americans should be the images of helping the Iraqi people.

KHALIL: Oh, brothers and sisters, the tintinabulations of her foul lies clang like the cookware seller’s store after a brawl has rolled inside to escape the punishments of the local constabulary. The Vizieress is referring to shameful defilements we have suffered as “images” and instructs us to replace those “images” with new ones. The Vizieress believes that we are so base and dishonorable as to forget the outrage simply by changing the television channel to the moronic propaganda sop the Crusader Zionist alliance wishes to feed us, as a great sultan’s disloyal falconer would lull his hunting birds with drugged bits of goat to stifle their noble instinct to hunt so that he may earn double on his bets.

DR. RICE: It’s simply unacceptable that anyone would engage in the abuse of Iraqi prisoners. And we will get to the bottom of it. And those who are responsible will be punished.

KHALIL: The Viziaress once again uses the vulgar phrase meaning both investigation and sodomy. As no investigation is necessary to ascertain responsibility, this must be a statement that she is jealous at not personally participating in the defilement, possibly with an impement strapped in some way to her evil loins to mimic a penis, so corrupt and whorish are these Crusader women. Also, she would like to indulge in general recreational S&M with her own kind.

Q: The American image right now is under heavy — in the area. The story is developing every day. What kind of strategy do you have right now to manage this crisis? It’s getting a crisis, really, in the area, in the Middle East, and still, the story is developing. So what kind of strategy you have right now to manage this crisis coming out of this —

KHALIL: With the gracious generosity a modest merchant showed the Prophet Mohammed in his travels by setting before him a banquet many times the splendor of his eldest son’s wedding to his fourth and most beautiful and virtuous wife, the interviewer is graciously giving the Vizieress a last opportunity to stop looking both foolish and mendacious, and to speak intelligently with the viewing public, though Allah and the tea merchant’s gossipping second wife Fatima only know why.

DR. RICE: It’s just extremely important that we continue to talk to the people of the region directly. I was just with the Jordanian Foreign Minister. And we will have other Arab leaders in the United States very soon. It’s important for us to go on Al Arabiya and to talk directly to your viewers and your listeners.

KHALIL: The Vizieress has stated outright her intention to use as puppets the leaders in the region, to convey the lies now resting on her tongue like mongrel curs, tired after an ill-begotten feast on the food stores of the entire tribal compound and now sleeping on the tribal leader’s finest carpet. It’s his best one, too — the most excellent Persian one weaving the jeweled colors of the most blazing of dawns with the cool quietude of a restful sapphire dusk over the Basrat sea at evenrise.

DR. RICE: The President will speak directly to the Arab world.

KHALIL: The Head Crusader Devil intends to inflict upon us a suffering perhaps even greater than the ignominious torment of our defiled brothers at Abu Ghaibri prison, by befouling our airwaves with his imbecile blabberings. Oh, spirits of all the martyrs, with each beat of my heart I ask, when will these foul creatures leave us in righteousness and peace?

DR. RICE: We want everyone to understand that the United States believes in peace.

KHALIL: Oh, this whore is insufferable, lying, lying, lying like a sea of dunes in a windless desert when the sun is at its zenith.

DR. RICE: We believe in the ability of men and women to pursue happy lives, to pursue those happy lives in a context in which they can speak freely, and in which they can pursue prosperity for their children. And the United States has tried in the Arab world and around the world to stand for a set of values. We believe that when people hear our story, that they will understand, at least, then for themselves.

KHALIL: The lies have leapt up from the carpet of her tongue and are stampeding through her front teeth, causing them to swing to and fro like the doors of the best spicemonger in the village after offering his most fragrant Ras el Hanout “Sultan’s Blend” at half off to the common folk to clear space in advance of the arrival of his new stock.

Q: To prevent this from happening again, to improve the situation inside the Iraqi prisons right now, could you tell us about any procedures being done just to improve the situation, as today, after this happened?

KHALIL: The interviewer continues graciously to allow the Vizieress, the slither-tongued Viper Queen of Venomous Lies to quell her poison-thickened serpent-tongue and speak like a virtuous, honest woman.

DR. RICE: Well, already, there is a general — General Miller, who has gone out to take over the administration of the Iraqi prisons. That happened a few weeks ago. He’s experienced. He will make certain that the operation is one of which we would be — really be proud.

KHALIL: The Vizieress continues to be more concerned about maintaining the pride of the Crusaders than acknowledging the shame of those they have tormented and defiled. The latter she has not directly addressed once. I suspect she has no intention of doing so.

DR. RICE: Obviously, people have to be incarcerated if they’ve done something wrong, but they should be treated with dignity. We will also — the President has told Secretary Rumsfeld that he wants a full investigation of what happened. And he wants to know if there’s something that we need to do systemically in the training of our people, in what people are told to do. We want to know the full picture, and so there will be a full investigation.

KHALIL: The Viziaress offers the blandest ground pap that one might feed a servant child too idiotic even to distinguish the flavor of chickens’ gruel from the sweetest figs of summer and calls it a banquet to our disbelieving senses.

DR. RICE: It will be transparent. The United States is an open society. And one good thing about democracies is that when something like this happens, democracies themselves react. The American people are reacting. The American Congress is reacting. The American President is reacting because no American wants to be associated with any dehumanizations now of the Iraqi people. And we are deeply sorry for what has happened to these people, and what the families must be feeling. It’s just not right.

KHALIL: At last she has said the word “dehumanization”, though only in the context of what pain it causes the infidel Crusaders to look into the blood spattered vortex of their own misdeeds. Oh, brothers and sisters, what pain they suffer. Oh, how it interrupts their gorgings and the farting orgies had after their sporting festivals tossing inflated pigskins on the pitch or through netted hoops in their raucous arenas.

DR. RICE: And we will get to the bottom of what happened.

KHALIL: The foul whore cannot stop lusting for sodomy.

Q: If you allow me, I’m going to move to another issue, the road map.

KHALIL: The Vizieress will now move to the Zionist portion of her propaganda. I implore the righteous sons of the Islam to send their wives and daughters out of the room, as witnessing this belching whore only assaults their petal like ears.

Q: And this administration endorsed the Sharon plan, and last week the Likud rejected the plan. Are you still stating that you are endorsing this plan? Are you endorsing only Sharon on this? Or what?

KHALIL: As it is ridiculous for me to translate propaganda we have heard a thousand times, I will tell an amusing bawdy tale I heard earlier at the tobacconist’s stall, a story that is both diverting yet instructful in the ways of the vile whoring Crusaders. A young soldier who has not sampled the erotic stench of a flea-ridden whore he mistakes for the sweet fragrance of righteous coupling asks his grizzled captain what the troops do around here for sex …

DR. RICE: We believe and the President believed that what he is endorsing is an opportunity that if Israel can find a way to disengage, to unilaterally withdraw from the Gaza and from the four West Bank settlements, that that gives a new opportunity to Palestinians to begin to build their state. It’s not the end of the road — it’s the beginning of the road. We believe that the road map and the two-state solution, and the President’s June 24th vision will eventually get us to the point that you have two states — Israel and Palestine — living side-by-side in peace.

KHALIL: The lustful young soldier’s grizzled captain jerks a thumb towards the tent flap. The soldier looks outside and sees only the silhouettes of camels against the moonlit sky. He is too young and embarrassed to speak outright the implications, as even among the corrupt Crusaders can one find those still modest enough in youth to recoil at bestial practices.

DR. RICE: The President has been very clear that all of the issues have to be negotiated between the parties. It has to be mutually acceptable to the parties, but we have been for three years unable to get everything moving. And we saw in what Prime Minister Sharon was proposing an opportunity to get moving again along the road map. We don’t know what will happen inside Israel. It’s up to the Israelis and their political system to decide how to proceed. But we still think it’s a good idea, and we hope that we’ll have a chance to pursue the opportunity.

KHALIL: And yet the young soldier is so siezed by lust he thinks to himself, what harm can it do? I am in the desert and if everyone else does it, it must be all right.

Q: I have last question here. Critics are saying by endorsing Sharon from — by this administration, like U.S. negotiating with Sharon on behalf of Palestinians — why are putting their way of just talking about this road map — how do you react to that?

DR. RICE: The President remains completely committed to the road map as the viable way to get to a two-state solution. But when you have the Israeli Prime Minister come to you and say, we’ll withdraw unilaterally from the Gaza and from four West Bank settlements, we believe that that is worth doing, that it is a good thing is Israel begins to withdraw from land, because — and to tear down settlements. All of the negotiations that we’ve had over many, many years, we’ve never been able to see the Palestinians actually recover land. If the Sharon plan or some version of it goes forward, then the Palestinians will begin to recover land. And it’s that opportunity to which the President was reacting. We believe that the Palestinians need an opportunity to build the institutions of their state.

KHALIL: Afterwards, the soldier returns to the tent still somewhat embarrassed yet relieved of his lustful feelings. “That was fast,” says his captain.

DR. RICE: The President was the first President to say that there should be a Palestinian state and it ought to be called Palestine. That is really a tremendous change, really. It was a tremendous change in American policy. This President stands for peace. He believes that Palestinians deserve a better future than they have had till now. He believes that Israelis deserve also to live in peace. And he believes that they can live in peace.

KHALIL: Blushing hotly, the soldier admits that once he overcame his self-consciousness, mating with the beast was easy and indeed more pleasant than imagined. Truthfully, he hoped to repeat the experience soon.

Q: Dr. Rice, thank you for this time you gave to us. And we’d love to have you again and again.

DR. RICE: Thank you very much. Thank you.

KHALIL: “You dumb pig,” says the captain. “I meant we ride them into town.”

[Voiceover Announcer] Please stay tuned for Al Arabiya’s The Capitol Gang. Tonight’s panel will ponder, when will the Foul Crusaders leave our righteous lands?