10-Second TownHall… now with video

Shorter Janet M. LaRue:

The greatest threat faced by our troops in Iraq is pornography.

Bonus points: someone* posted the following to youtube:

It’s a different kind of look alright. Now, maybe we’re just a bit slow but if being away from one’s spouse for months or years at a time is a problem, there is an obvious solution. If coming home isn’t possible, our list of weapons would not include items such as “no masturbation.”


Comments: 130


Just please kill me. “Last year, New Life Ministries, Christian group, shipped 11,000 “sexual purity” kits mainly to Iraq and Afghanistan as a defense against pornography for the troops. ”

Beats the hell out of, say, body armor. Oh wait, maybe I shouldn’t say “beats.” That probably undermines the troops.

sleazy, scuzzy, unprincipled, & handsome

Apparently, its not enough that our soldiers and marines risk their lives for us.
No beer drinking, no blogging, and no whacking off.
If we allowed them to be human, it might give credence to friendly-fire incidents, or abusing captives, or unintentionally killing non-combatants.
It might also mean that it could be time to bring them all home.
If they are super-human, can’t we leave them there indefinitely, without harm?
My sexual purity kit was broken the night of junior prom.


Good Grief!

Let’s see Stephen Colbert handle this one.


Well to paraphrase Rummy, ‘you go to war with the pornography you’re sent with’.


I think Janet is just trying to subtly announce her availability.


Oh fuck this. These fuckers would burn in hell if such a thing existed. God damn Christianists (God damn Andrew Sullivan). Always fucking up humanity for the sake of their glorious aggrandisement.


God, America never changes.

During WWI, a kindly-minded French general (whose name escapes me at the moment) offered to General Pershing to make available to the American troops the services of the French prostitutes who had been entertaining the French troops.

Pershing’s only response to this was “whatever you do, don’t let Wilson hear about this”.

Indeed, Wilson’s ridiculously moralizing ways at the Versailles negotiations earned him the nickname “Jesus Christ” amongst the British and French delegations.

(Note to Americans: Sex is good. People like having sex. Enjoying sex – even enjoying pornography – does not make you a sexual deviant or a child molester. If you can learn to accept these facts, the world might stop seeming like such a scary place to you all the time.)


A) Your YouTube link seems to be missing.

B) Yet another example of conservatives trying to blame Abu Ghraib on the individual perpetrators as if the excesses there were not the result of official policy. In the fevered, sweaty imagination of Janet LaRue pornography-besotted enlisted men are to blame, not the senior officers and high-level government officials who told them the gloves were off.


Not that wingnuts would ever misquote Lincoln, but I figured I’d actually check this one out for myself.

The President, Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy, desires and enjoins the orderly observance of the Sabbath by the officers and men in the military and naval service. The importance for man and beast of the prescribed weekly rest, the sacred rights of Christian soldiers and sailors, a becoming deference to the best sentiment of a Christian people. and a due regard for the divine will demand that Sunday labor in the Army and Navy be reduced to the measure of strict necessity.

Abraham Lincoln.

This is the part Janet LaRue left out. It’s also the main point of the order…he’s giving the troops Sunday off, for the most part. After that, you can see the second part as, all you Fundie whackjobs out there, don’t worry too much about the troops will all be spending Sunday drinking and whacking off, as I’m sure they can find something else to do.


Before I joined the Navy, the guy I worked for at the time said to me:

“When you’re in bootcamp, someone is going to ask you how often you jerk off. You tell them you jerk off every day as often as possible. It doesn’t matter if your telling the truth or not. If you tell them no they will think your lieing.”

So I did. I told them I was hitting it two / three times a day, which seemed to impress them. In truth, I don’t think I could have gotten it up if Paris Hilton came in lubbed wearing only a helmet.

When I was on the Monterey it was more of a competition. During our 6 month deployments we would have seinfeldian honor type bets of who can hold / who can wank the fastest / with no porn / etc. On a Tico class cruiser there is one head right across from Radio near CIC. If you know the Tico’s you know exactly what I am talking about. This is the only head on the ship where the door can be locked and the only head where there is only one stall. While standing watch in CIC I’d go use the bathroom, have a wank, get some coffee from who ever was making good coffee at the time and return in less then 5 minutes (usually the CT’s, sometimes the folks in radio, never the airdales, STs in sonar but they always made me pay and sometimes the OSs). It was impressive, I must say. Sometimes there were lines of people outside radio, when all the berthing heads would be empty. Even the officers. All people waiting in line to “make a headcall”.

If someone tried to ban wanking on ships I dare say, there would be mutinies. Porno is “banned” of course, but I saw more porno in one week on that ship then I ever have since I’ve been out. When the airdales would come on board the amount of porno (and nasty porno) would amplify by significant amounts.


When I was on the Monterey…

The USS Monterey, a floating Carnival.


What type of person sits down and starts worrying about whether or not the troops masturbate? I mean really, words fail to describe how messed up this is.


The USS Monterey, a floating Carnival.

lol, how fitting. Of course, the monterey I was on was CG-61.


Oh, wow….if you guys are going to spend some time with Townhall today, then somebody has to do the “Letter to a Stupid Atheist” over there. I’m hurting myself laughing over it. Did you know that “Christianity was the first real democracy”? Did you? Did you? Did you know that this is a widely accepted historical fact?

This new learning amazes me.



From the ABC report:

These men are learning to use Arterburn’s coping mechanisms, such as bouncing or averting the eyes in the presence of an attractive colleague.

That’s right. Make it bounce.


I’ve been wondering why Evangelicals get on TV so much in comparison to mainstream Protestant leaders. I think I know why: their entertainment value. These people are freaks. No looking at pretty young women? No thinking about sex? No masturbation???? Freaks!


Dammit Jillian. That article isn’t funny, it’s painful. I’m sorry but using phrenology as a conclusive example on why science is wrong… Please. Kill. Me. Now.


They’re not opposed to masturbation per se. They just object to masturbation to people other than Dubya, Cheney, and Rumsfeldthe new guy.


Wankers Against Wanking. Interesting.

Pffft. Porn sales in the Bible Belt would indicate that Teh Wingnuts are spanking it just as often as anyone else; they just think that the fact that they’ve convinced themselves to feel guilty about it afterwards somehow makes them more moral.


I’ve heard from somewhere that there is pornography on the internets tubes?


Based on the U-Tube clip, all women are seductive and all married men need to avert their eyes. These guys need soe sort of regimen to stay faithful? What a sad life they lead.

The solution is, of course, bhurkas. Women must be hidden from the view of Christian men. Another convergence with..ummm..I forget what religion..


“Well it seems last night you caught me spankin’ it…”


They are not behaving with the dignity that God’s Army requires, I guess.


His Grace…..none of this is funny. All of it is painful.

We’ve just become inured to the pain at this point.

We are the richest, most powerful nation on the earth, and we’ve elected to office hundreds of members of Congress, a president, and put on the highest court in the country people who think the earth was made by the hand of God in six brief days just a few thousand years ago.

In a culture that placed a higher value on collective honor, dignity, and guilt than ours does, millions of Americans would already have committed ritual suicide out of pure, naked shame at this point.

I am not a member of the pro-suicide coalition, so I have no choice but to laugh at this stuff. All of it. Even when it’s this stupid.


If these latter-day Puritans got their way, we’d have cameras in every bedroom and bathroom and attic hideaway in America. We’d have a Department of Homeland Purity.



Plus, I think it was Clemenceau who said, “Mister Wilson bores me with his Fourteen Points. God Himself had only ten.”


The underlying impulse seems similar to those people who want to put chastity diapers on goats.

And now that I’ve compared the religious right to the Taliban, I will justify it by noting that Mary Grabar compares her skeptical student to Satan himself, and Sam Harris (by extension scientists generally) to the Nazis.

Guys, I know KayGro has a place in your hearts, but I’ve spent about five minutes reading up on MaGra and she’s a wingnut to watch in ’07. Mostly because she is an English professor and actually (sort-of) addresses her critics.


Just wank off, guys. It’s a stress-reliever. (I’m talking to the soldiers, btw. I don’t think I need to tell anyone at SN to wank off)


The Liberal massculture did led to incidents like Abu Ghraib.

And the people who send porn over there are doing so to try and weaken the troops.


I wonder if the evangelicals address the perverse act of wet dreaming? The evil bodily fluids will do anything to soil the sheets and the reputations of otherwise good Christian soldiers.


If you beat it so much that you are weak afterwards, you should consider cutting back.

I mean, every now and then it’s nice to take a day and do nothing but shake hands with President Lincoln (or with the tuna boat captain, as the case may be) a zillion times, but seriously – if you’re in a war zone, that’s a luxury you can ill afford.

But the rest of us do thank you for making that sacrifice so that we can continue to dedicate our spare time to endless amounts of self-abuse. You make us proud to be Americans.

Sticky, breathless Americans.


It’s Sunday, Gary. You seem to be doing something other than praying. Why aren’t you in the stocks? Or in the oubliette?

Gary, now you’re just being stupid. Cute, but stupid. Like Jessica Simpson.

Gary is Jessica Simpson!

Lesley, everyone knows that wet dreams are caused by incubi and succubi. Sheesh!


“Sticky, breathless Americans.”

Not if you use the shower head.


I miss having a flexible, detachable showerhead.



it’s all the same stuff: don’t like what’s on tv? ban it. don’t like what’s on the radio? get it banned. don’t like what’s in front of your eyes? ban it.

the world of christianity is one in which the individual has no agency (well, at least not CAA). so without the ability to have individual control (ceded to god) what are you gonna do? you can’t just NOT want to fuck some hottie, no no. you can’t just SHUT the fucking TV off, no no. You can’t just NOT listen to Howard Stern. you literally have no self control. you have self awareness. you have no ability to change your own behavior.

this is all why i hate AA so much (well, i live in HOllywood, believe you me i know a lot of people in this shit). it’s all the same–you can’t control your own behavior, so give it over to god (or to a rapist priest, whatever). fuck that. we atheists are actually capable of NOT being scumbags without an outside supernatural agency, unless you wussbag whiny evangelical bitches. what a bunch of losers.

sigh. i guess i’m never working for a political campaign.

is it possible that i was just kidding about all of this?


Jillian, many fine hardware stores offer do-it-yourself kits just for that very problem.


This is turning into a thread to watch.

Gary only wanks to Bush-Porn. Not even the War stuff for him, it’s gotta be Dear Leader. He especially likes it when Bush is holding Baney. Rufff!


Dang it , I meant Barney. Preview Button, you mock my fat fingers.


Ace is the place with the helpful hardware man…. 🙂

Carry on.


At least I can still enjoy a good bubble bath.

If only I had a rubber ducky.


As Dennis Miller once said, back when he was on “Weekend Update” and still funny: “Hey, he who has a free hand, cast the first stone.”


Heh. There’s a new comic book coming out in March called “Love @ War” and – while I’ve only read a few preview pages – it appears to be set in a near-future in which the Army has faced up to these issues and started a department called “Morale and Motivation” – MoMo for short – which rewards those who volunteer for the front lines with “Retreats” – as in Plato’s – and thus there is a waiting list to get into combat battalions.

The preview pages conclude with two soldiers about to join the “Hot Zone Club.”


Correction: “Army @ Love.”


Jillian, I can see how constant exposure to such stupidity would make you laugh no matter teh owwwwww. But it is only an intellectual understanding. I sometimes forget how screwed up the United States is. Up here such a column would be regarded as a bunch of cranks ranting on about things they don’t understand. It would be either ignored or made fun of constantly. Cross the border and it for whatever reason becomes the basis of public policy. Even worse, crossing the border redefines the words family, faith, and morality to the hypocritical standards of a relatively small extremist group. I can not begin to understand how craptacular that is.


OT, but Paul Craig Roberts has a great article on Creators: http://www.creators.com/opinion/paul-craig-roberts.html



I’ve heard that the companies – like KBR – that bring in foreign “cleaning staff” for some of the larger bases exclusively recruit young women from Thailand and the Philippines for “cleaning” jobs on base.

I’ve also heard that one night in Bangkok can make a hard man crumble.


It’s easy to see why someone who isn’t an American would end up being shocked when they finally start to realize just how fucking bad things are in this country right now.

Most people who live here don’t see how bad they are.

I picked up Chris Hedges’ book, “American Fascists”. I’m about halfway through it – it’s a quick read. And it’s a pretty compelling documentation of the point I’ve been arguing for quite some time now: there is a concerted effort on the part of various “Christian” groups to remake this country in their own authoritarian, Old Testament-literalist image. And absolutely nobody believes they really mean to do it, or they really mean the things they say.

Mein Kampf was written in 1925. Hitler laid out the bones of his foreign and military policies in the damn thing. The book was a best seller. He talks about turning the Russian borderlands into giant farms worked by slavic slaves that serve their Aryan overlords. He talks about forming an alliance with fascist Italy and declaring war on France. And yet, when he actually did (or started doing) every one of these things, the whole world was shocked.

I dunno what it is in people that makes them unable to believe that when someone says they’re going to do something, it’s reasonable to assume that, given a chance, they’ll do it – even when the things they talk about doing seem insane. When Christian groups talk about putting gays into camps and executing women who have nonmarital sex and doctors who perform abortions, I cannot think of a good reason to not take them at face value. If we give them a chance, they will do it.

And the people who believe that doing such things would be a good idea have already been elected to Congress, have internationally syndicated television and radio shows, control state governments and local school boards, and are spread throughout the bureaucratic machinery that runs Washington, D.C.

And I will bet you everything I have ever owned or will ever owned that if the day comes that the Dominionist freaks ever start to carry out their agenda in reality, everybody in this country will be shocked.

And it will be one of the only times in my life that I really won’t be able to get even a tiny amount of glee out of saying “I told you so”.


This is all pure propaganda.
We all know the female orgasm is a liberal myth made up to make god fearing men, who also don’t believe in the clit or g-spot, feel inadequate.
Women don’t enjoy sex. Ask any male wingnut, I guarantee they’ll back me up.


Dammit, Jillian!

When I read stuff that stupid, I get a headache and now I have to take meds before I can take Ganesh Bengal Cat for his walk and he’s dragging his harness around and yelling his head off and making my head hurt worse and I blame you.

And that stupid, subliterate cow over at ClownHall.

Now, I’m going to have to have three people in my weekly Teh Stupidest Woman in America contest. It’s bad enough I have to read Kathleen Parker and Mona Charen to decide, now I’ll have to read this dim bulb, as well.

BTW, you can get a hand-held shower head at Target for about 20 bucks and it takes about 5 minutes to install. You’re welcome, you unworthy, evil, making-me-read-stupid-shit woman, you.

PS Ganesh Bengal Cat still loves you because you make me laugh. Usually.


I only made it to the point in the video where a solider said something like having an impure thought is as bad as committing adultery. If that’s the case, the answer is simple: commit adultery so often that you’re too sexually satisfied to have any impure thoughts. As long as you’re going to get equally punished for both, you might as well commit the sin that’s more fun.


And, jebus. That article jillian linked……. This woman is a university professor?
And she thinks it’s fair to treat atheists as if a rebellious sophomore who gets Bs, meaning the modern gentleman’s C, as emblematic of a vast and extremely heterogeneous mix.
I really hate professors who slip bullshit claims into their work and not get called on it because their audience will trust their authority and/or not even notice the vast leaps.
Makes me want to get on the board of regents for her school n have her fired.


Gentlewoman, alas…..these people are our neighbors, our coworkers, our bosses. Most Americans would agree with her.

There’s something fascinating about living in a time when your country is in the middle of trying to destroy itself. I can’t help but look at this as a historian – I’m living through something that just might end up becoming one of those things that my fifty-years-in-the-future counterpart will end up teaching a big unit about.

I just try not to think about the fact that I’m *living* through it, as well.

I love your kitty, btw!


You moonbats don’t get it, do you? Try gripping an M-16 with hairy palms.


I wonder if the evangelicals address the perverse act of wet dreaming?

More specifically, since Jesus was born & lived his life as a man, & was in all points tested, & yet was without sin, did he: (a) not have wet dreams, which means he wasn’t really a man, or (b) have wet dreams, but with no sexual content, maybe about toasters, except they hadn’t been invented yet, so maybe about goats without diapers, or (c) have wet dreams, not about women (or men), but about the angels, who neither marry nor are given in marriage? (NB; doesn’t say they don’t have sex!)


I am quite surprised, Mr. Harris, that you would put so much faith in an endeavor whose base of knowledge changes on a daily basis. Think back to all the scientific theories of even a decade ago that have been surpassed.
You moonbats don’t get it, do you? Try gripping an M-16 with hairy palms.

Or aiming it after you’ve ruined your eyes.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been confronted as much face-to-face with men and women – in and out of the confessional – saying, ‘I’m addicted to porn and I don’t know how to get out of it,'” Father Reilly said.

I’ve just thought of a new money-making scheme: http://www.porn-addicted-catholic-chicks-in-uniform.com.

Who knew townhall could be such an inspiration for the entrepeneurial spirit?

,,, I am quite surprised, Mr. Harris, that you would put so much faith in an endeavor whose base of knowledge changes on a daily basis. … were you aware that science as a mode of thought came about through monotheism? You see, the idea of a single creator made it possible for human beings to view creation as separate from spirit. And thus humanity advanced from one that believed that spirits lived in trees and rocks to one that believed that one Creator created this intricately marvelous world we live in. The scientific endeavor then became one where individuals observed and studied various aspects of this creation. That is called science.

Jesus, take me now.


The first two lines of that post are, of course, the sad result of a tragic cutting and pasting accident.


Think about it. Use your imagination a little bit. A 19 or 20 year old boy sitting 50% alert on the perimeter at 3am. Very dark, very quiet. Stopped raining an hour ago, and now the air is cool and fresh, the stars are bright and theres nothing to be afraid of – execept falling asleep on watch, which is another long hour at this point. Let me ask you. What do you think that young man is going to do to make that hour go by and keep himself awake? Anybody that can’t at least imagine themselves in the situation sure doesn’t have any goddam right to tell people who are living it what to not do. Fucking nutjobs…



Of course, for evangelical Christianists the purity kits take precedence over the no torturing, no raping, no colonizing, no murdering kits. And why aren’t women in the armed forces wearing burkhas? Jezebels.


Here’s more of this charming idiocy at work:


I wish someone could give me a convincing reason why this should not be considered child abuse.


Re: Jesus

The Gospel has very little to say about his teen years. I wonder why this is so.


And the people who send porn over there are doing so to try and weaken the troops.

Don’t worry, Gary, there will be plenty pr0n left on the intertoobz for you. Porn is the very paradigm of an infinitely renewable resource.

If only we could find a way to harness the calories spent on solitary “impurity” to run generators, the American troops would be out of Mesopotamia before they had time to pack up their “marital aids”.


We’ve absolutely got to fight this on every level. Must, must, must keep these morons off of our school boards.


It is good to see that the White House is standing behind the New Life Ministries. Though they should be a bit concerned about The Glorious Leader’s predilections

In hindsight

Speaking of George Bush, with whom Sharon developed a very close relationship, Uri Dan recalls that Sharon’s delicacy made him reluctant to repeat what the president had told him when they discussed Osama bin Laden. Finally he relented. And here is what the leader of the Western world, valiant warrior in the battle of cultures, promised to do to bin Laden if he caught him: “I will screw him in the ass!”


Why, that young soldier should spend his copious free time thanking Jesus for man’s most wonderful invention, WAR, and praying, of course. Praying that all impure thoughts are stemmed at the head by banning anything that might give anyone a stiffy (apart from depictions of violence, of course, ’cause that causes good ol’ all-American stiffies). Praying that God keeps giving President Bush such good ideas. Praying that all Muslims just go off somewhere and die already, after the convert to Christianity, of course. Praying for the death of liberals, all of whom aren’t Christians and hate Jesus.

Course, that last one I could almost give him, even if it weren’t for the non-stop barrage of “Christian=Republican” the media gives us. If l’Affair Marcotte showd us anything, organized groups of liberal Christian activists with the shouting power of, say, the Catholic League are pretty thin on the ground, and if reading P.Z. Myers’ site has taught me anything, it’s that liberal Christians are more concerned with mean ol’ atheists than they are with, say, the idea that William Donahue apparently speaks for them in the public sphere. Barry Lynn, Fred from Slacktavist…and I’m sure there’s more. Somewhere.


BTW, what happened to the preview button again?


Teh Preview Button was last seen in a porn video. I don’t think we should beg it to come home anymore. It will only break our hearts again, and likely infect us with a communicable disease.


Candy, it’s too late for that.

How To Elect Christians to Public Office was written about twenty years ago at this point. In fact, part of the Republican Revolution of 1994 can be traced right back to this little manifesto, as the route to national office in this country is usually through local office, and this book was a guide to getting people on city councils and school boards.

The revolution has already started, guys. We’re only just now noticing it.


Thanks for the youtube link Jillian. Those people are not just creepy. They’re evil.


Dammit again Jillian… I’m completely at a loss for words. Look, while there are people in my country who would hope to get a Nobel prize in creation science*, they have about zero influence in public policy.

You should come to Canada, even just for a vacation. We have all kinds of different beliefs and nots up here. Agnostic, Atheist, Christian, Hindu, Sikh, Muslim, whatever. But nobody seems to get too exciting over it. It’s really strange seeing the difference.

*Obligatory asterisk to mark that there is no science in this terrible, limited theology.


His Grace, I’m hoping to emigrate. Permanently. I can’t take it here anymore.

I figure it’ll take me about five or six years to get all my ducks in a row for the move – it sucks to be poor, and the whole process takes about ten to twelve thousand dollars. I’ve already checked out the requirements, and I can qualify as a highly skilled migrant – I’ve got enough points for that. I just need to shore up my professional qualifications and save some cash.

Unless I can score me a hot Canadian boyfriend. Or girlfriend. If you have any single friends, you should really hook me up. I’m cute – I’ve got pictures. And I’m a great cook. And I don’t think masturbation is a sin. Or porn. I don’t even believe in sin, but regardless, I don’t even think these things are bad.

Seriously. Be a pal. Hook me up. I’ll come visit this summer when I’m on summer break.


Jillian, unfortunately most of my friends are married or with steady girlfriends. And as much as I would like to help, I am probably the worst person in the world to go to for such matters. But if you want to even just join my useless facebook network (which has few people on it) or have questions or whatever, let me know. I promise to be as useless as possible.


I don’t want no Commies in my car. No Christians, either.

Actually, I am OK with riding with Communists. Well, OK, I have only ridden with one Communist, but he was a very safe driver and obeyed all the traffic laws and did not stop and start really fast or anything. Or honk the horn and swear and make weird gestures at the other drivers. I hate when people do that.

Plus, he let me out of my carrier and let me sit in the front seat and look out the window. And when I had something to say, he answered me. I didn’t understand WTF he was saying, but he made the effort, is my point.

You’d never catch a Christian doing that. They don’t even think I have a soul.

Wait, I don’t think I have a soul, either. Never mind that.

I don’t meet a lot of Christians any more since the handmaiden put the Tibetan Prayer Flags on our door. Hahahaha! (I don’t know how to do those smiley things but this would be a good place for one)

Sometimes I meet some Christians when I am out for my walk, but they only talk to the handmaiden. They completely ignore me when I am saying stuff to them, which is rude. So I lick their ankles. They think I am like this wildcat or something, you should hear them squeal! (picture another smiley here)

Anyway, I’ll bet Harry Dean Stanton would totally let me ride in the front seat and talk to me and shit like that.

I am not sure how safe a driver he would be, though, and the handmaiden got mad at the Communist for letting ‘that stupid fucking Bengal Cat (that would be me-LOL) wander around inside your car, you’re lucky he didn’t get under the brake pedal or something!’.

Like I’m that stupid. I don’t even know where the brake pedal is, but I’ll bet the view is not as good from there as it is from the front seat.

The view is always better from the front seat.


Ganesh, if we were being honest, that last line in your post would be the best title ever for GW Bush’s biography.


Sigh…..always the bridesmaid, never the bride. 😉

I’ll still invite you over for dinner when I finally make it.


billy pilgrim, I am not usually being smart, but I am always being honest.

You could actually make the title better, in my opinion, for example:

The View Is Always Better From the Front Seat (Especially If You’re Puking Your Guts Out)

The View Is Always Better From the Front Seat, Unless You are Not A Rich, Entitled White Asshole Like Me, Then You Can Fucking Walk, Peon

The View Is Always Better From the Front Seat Unless My Wife Is Driving

The View Is Always Better From the Front Seat and Sometimes Dick Even Lets Me Sit There–How Cool Is That?

The View Is Always Better From the Front Seat, Too Bad Your Daddy Didn’t Buy You One

The View Is Always Better From the Front Seat Unless the Front Seat Is In Vietnam

I could go on, but I think I hear the handmaiden fixing my dinner.




Ummm, I actually have a question. I seek not to offend, only knowledge. I have no children, no pets, no potted plants. I cannot abide for even a moment the slightest possibility that a living thing is depending on me for it’s survival. I would tell it “I’ll give you a weapon and dress your wounds, but you gotta walk or you’ll die”. Not a good approach, I know, so I have avoided this sort of entanglement. Probably another good reason to hate nixon, but I don’t need any more.

So, I have followed the lives and exploits of Ganesh, Bengal Cat, and I always learn a little something from that particular point of view. But I find myself with a lack of understanding in one particular area. It seems, according to the handmaiden at least, that GBC has a tendency to vomit with regularity. Is this something that is considered normal? I mean, this doesn’t cause one concern that there might be something wrong, something that could be addressed with different food or something? Now, I’m not trying to act as though I have any idea, I am merely curious…



For some cats, mikey, it’s quite normal. My mother had a cat that would always puke its food back up, then merrily reconsume it. And there’s always hairballs to dispose of.
My cat throws up only maybe once a month, but he’s siamese and has thicker hair than most cats which he ends up swallowing less of. And he’s low maintenance anyhow, except for always habitually clawing something he shouldn’t in addition to his scratching post.


Also, cats love to chew on plants, regardless of digestibility. Mine stays indoors and gets wheatgrass in the spring and summer when there’s good sun to grow a little for him to chew on, which helps with digestion. But too much n he still pukes a bit up.
If you don’t have hands and a human brain to inspect things with, you’re going to end up sometimes eating things you shouldn’t. My guy thinks rubber bands are the greatest delicacy imaginable.


The above + kitty litter + the indifference of cats is why I prefer dogs.


Having experienced servitude to several of our feline overlords, as well as some of the canine variety, I have to say that the time to start worrying is when something ISN’T blarting from one end or the other of the creature(s).

It worked out particularly well when the puppy loves the cat food. If you watch carefully, you can keep him from eating the cat food; except when the cat pukes it up. Then he comes running to get sloppy seconds, but at least you don’t have to clean up the cat spew.

Speaking as one who had to clean up fresh doggy diarrhea from the kitchen floor this morning. Sigh. At least I didn’t step in it….

Talk about needing the preview button.


Yep, some do it a lot, some never do, depending on whether they can get the fur to go through rather than back out the way it came in. Totally and completely normal, though you aren’t the only person who wonders. I once had to field a panicky call at work from a guy who actually owned a cat and didn’t understand why it was coughing like that.

And, mikey, judging by the amount of life’s wisdom you dispense here daily, I suspect a cat would be quite safe and happy with you. You just get an automatic food dispenser and water dispenser, a big litter box, and you’re set. Keep the cat inside and there’s little room to screw up, very few worries. Cats–especially the ones at the local shelter–are strong, smart survivors, and they’ll tell you if you’ve forgotten something that they need (though they may have a different definition of “need” than you do).


Ganesh- the thing I love about the original line is that all of your ‘improvements’ work as invisible subtext. Everybody fills it in to their own satisfaction!

Now go sleep on your handmaiden’s lap.


See, mikey, there’s two sorts of cats. The yakking-up sort, and the non-yakking-up sort.

Cats can pretty much vomit at will. This appears to have conferred some sort of evolutionary advantage to their ancestors, so that if they ate something poison, they might not die of it. [that’s the handmaiden typing there, as if you couldn’t tell–who cares about all that evolution and ancestors crap? not me–GBC]

My stupid sister and Mehitabel the Abyssinian (mrrroooowwwww I love her so!) are yakking cats.

My sister scarfs up her food really quickly because she’s afraid I’ll get more food than she does (which I totally deserve to do, because I am the Biggest). Then, she pukes it up (mostly undigested) because she ate too fast and too much, and I eat the puke (until the handmaiden comes to clean it up)! Total mind-fake–I still get to eat more than my sister does! Hahahaha!

Some cats yak up hairballs, but my sister and I don’t, because the handmaiden gives us the yummy sticky hairball medicine. Plus, Bengal Cats don’t shed as much as regular cats like my stupid sister.

I am a non-yakking cat. If I puke, the handmaiden knows that I’m sick and she takes me to Dr. Rita.

You would like Dr. Rita, mikey, she is a smokin’ hot babe in a human sorta way. I like her even though she does various Unpleasant Things to me, but it’s cool, because I usually forget about them before I even get back home.

You should get a Bengal Cat, mikey. We are Teh Coolest Cats EVAR!!1!!.

And if I were your Bengal Cat, I would bring you presents of dead rodents or birds or small, yappy dogs every day if you let me outside (which is why the handmaiden doesn’t let me outside without my harness on, which kinda sucks). And if anyone tried to break into your house when you weren’t home, they would think you had a fucking ocelot and get freaked out and not jack your stuff.

How much fun would that be??? Pretty fuckin’ fun, I say.


I have to take issue with one claim, tho. Cats are hardly indifferent. You just have to be their person. Mine doesn’t see a purpose to the existence of other people, but with me he’s like a puppy, if he isn’t sleeping. And he always makes a fuss when I get back home.
Cats are like people, their personality in part depends on the conditions they’ve lived in. Adopted strays have had to make it on their own, and tend to be more independent than a happy little kitten you adopt n finish raising.

Qetesh the Abyssinian

I myself, as a queen of the Abyss, like to regurgitate my food once or twice a month, depending on the weather. I get so carried away with the eating of the dry crunchy things, and then of course I have to drink a lot of water, at which the dry crunchy things swell up in my stomach and become a damp pile of no-longer-dry-crunchy things. Which I then chow down a second time.

My esteemed sister, on the other hand, is a Burmese, with the fine fur and extremely washy temperament of such cats. Indeed, she often performs grooming services for me, and therefore has more of a tendency to hack up furballs. She has also perfected the art of the one-hack furball, which is skill of a high order. Normally, cats require a lengthy performance akin to the dying scene from Swan Lake before they can extrude stomach contents, but Luschka has, more than once, performed no more than one compulsory cough before launching a projectile. The fact that this was done at 3 am, on the handmaiden’s pillow, is evidence of her superior skill in these matters.

She’s also eaten the Preview button, but she refuses to cough it back up.


We R00l!!1!

were in ur thread, jackin ur topicz!


It seems, according to the handmaiden at least, that GBC has a tendency to vomit with regularity. Is this something that is considered normal? I mean, this doesn’t cause one concern that there might be something wrong, something that could be addressed with different food or something? Now, I’m not trying to act as though I have any idea, I am merely curious

We have 13 cats and on any given day at least one is puking. Usually hairballs, but sometimes for other reasons. It’s just to be expected.

Vivisection4 fun&profit

Two words: Bill Frist


Vivisection4 fun&profit:

Dude. Click on my Thumbsnap photo.

Come and get me.

Mehitabel the Abyssinian

Sorry I’m late. Is there any catnip left? Who wants to see what I ate for breakfast?

Herr Doktor Bimler

We have 13 cats and on any given day at least one is puking.

“Multiple Cat Syndrome” is not recognised in the DSM-IV(R). Wait for the next edition.


did you bring a small dead thing?


*struck dumb with lust because there are now two hot Abys here*


If I ever manage to buy a farm in the Hudson valley to retire to, I’m gonna breed bengal cats and savannah cats. I’d get one of them now, but my snowshoe siamese Binkley hasn’t liked it when other cats stayed with us at all, so I think I’ll wait till I can get a puppy and big cat kitten at the same time to raise together.


Herr Doktor Bimler, I thought that the animal ‘collectors’ had been included in some way in the DSM. Some version of OCD perhaps? Like the people who eventually end up walled into their own houses with stacks of newspapers, etc.? Or perhaps they must wait for the new edition after all.

13 cats does not necessarily mean a collector in the accepted sense of the term. some guy may be fostering rescued cats. Or be a breeder of cats. Or just have a kindle of kittens at the moment.

How are you, btw? Hope all is well with you and the Frau Doktorin Penny.

Mehitabel the Abyssinian

The Dry Crunchies are good, although they must be eaten in a hurry (otherwise they might be abducted by aliens) and then, as Qetesh has said, they sometimes soak up water and become rebellious inside.

The Wet Crunchy chicken-neck things are even better, but the house-apes do not always serve those, and I must perform the Happy Joy Dance in front of the White Monolith, in order to remind them.

Memo to David Lynch: If anyone ever makes a movie consisting entirely of Harry Dean Stanton behind the wheel of a car, driving along while he talks with a Bengal Cat in the passenger seat, then I would certainly watch it. Though not every cat has as long an attention span as me, so to enlarge the potential audience, sometimes the camera might have to cut away and show a bird flying past outside.

Mehitabel the Abyssinian

did you bring a small dead thing?
I had a mouse here a minute ago, but it seems to have lost its front end.


Mehitabel, Repo Man came close.

Long stretches of HDS driving and talking to Emilio estevez, who is kind of like a cat. I imagine he has a short attention span anyway.

some guy (not to be confused with Some Guy)

“Multiple Cat Syndrome� is not recognised in the DSM-IV(R). Wait for the next edition.

We’re not cat hoarders. Relationship with the local Humane Society. Hence, lots of cats.


Hey, where did all the talk about wanking go to?

Hijacked by the cats again. Worse than being sidetracked by Annie and The Limp.


The fact is that I spank it 25 times a day. But, I never come .

This prevents the Islamofascists from draining my manly juices.


Hey, where did all the talk about wanking go to?

Hijacked by the cats again.


Worse than being sidetracked by Annie and The Limp.

We highly resent this comparison. Better look in your shoes before you put them on in the morning, Mr. billy pilgrim.


Masturbating too much leads to ADD. Makes it hard to stay on topic.


And to show why I’m talking of him, here’s a couple shots of Binkley.
He’s a purty one.

Herr Doktor Bimler

We’re not cat hoarders. Relationship with the local Humane Society
Ah, all is clear. The local animal shelter has talked us into providing short-term foster care for a pair of kittens, at the moment. I’m just a bit anxious about the Start of the Slippery Slope, hence the references to MCS and cat-hoarding. The population of resident furries is not well pleased about this situation either.

We are well, thank you GW. And you?

Mehitabel the Abyssinian

Nice pair of shoes there, Mr Pilgrim. Be a shame if someone dropped a weta in one of them.


Wow, diffbrad, Binkley is a handsome boy. And in most of the photos, he only looks slightly demonic!

I wish you luck with your farm dreams, and congratulate you on your excellent taste in cats. 😉 I think Savannahs are just beautiful, but they might be a bit more of a handful than Bengal cats are. I have no experience with them. I have, however, met some foundation cats at a Bengal breeder’s cattery. They were pretty mellow. Had one (an F2, I think) draped around my neck, licking my hair. BTW, you know who has a lovely farm in the UK, with Bengal cats, foundation cats, and rescued wild cats? Ian Anderson from Jethro Tull. I think he has a website, too.

Herr Doktor B, I am as well as can be expected, tyvm. One week into new treatment regimen (Betaseron) without any horrible side effects except after the first injection. And I am accomplishing the self-injection easily. Despite my craven fears, have managed not to inject any cats or furniture yet.


The greatest threat faced by our troops in Iraq is pornography.

And here I thought the greatest threat to the troops (and the stability of their family life) was war. Silly me.

Psssst. Let’s not tell the Christian Right that women masturbate too. Or let’s do. Maybe they’ll die from shock.


Cats are Republicans. Dogz are Democrats.

Well, ‘cept Ntodd’s pack. They’re all Dems.


Okay, the Annie and Limpy comparison was over the top. sorry for that. Too much masturbating.

My Cat better no be a Republican. He hasn’t paid for that food I give him.

Lesley: LOL. Yeah, women don’t poop or sweat or fart either. It’s that Feminine Mystique we’ve heard so much about.


Gary – who rattled your cage?

The fact is that I spank it 25 times a day. But, I never come.

Why bother spanking your cat if it doesn’t make you come?


Dear Lesley,

I love you. Because I love everyone! I try to greet (and kiss) every human, feline, and canine that I meet, but a lot of them don’t want me to, which is a bummer. I fetch, swim, walk on my harness and leash like a gentleman, and shower with my handmaiden every day. I am the cleanest cat in my building! Perhaps the cleanest in the universe! I am also articulate.

And I am so NOT REPUBLICAN. I doubt many other cats are, either. In my experience, most cats are anarchists. I’m sure there are exceptions.

None of NTodd’s pack (including NTodd) wear pants, did you know that? Which is totally cool, as I don’t wear pants, either. And those cats are just pretending to be part of his pack (we don’t do packs, as a rule) because they don’t want to hurt his feelings.



PS Please don’t tell the government. About us being anarchists, I mean. Thank you in advance. *mwah*


My favorite cat is totally Republican. I suspect he sneaks out when I’m at work and listens to Rush on my satellite radio. He’s a giant jerk, but I love him anyway.

Herr Doktor Bimler

Masturbating too much leads to ADD. Makes it hard to stay on topic.
I disagree entirely. Clearly you have not read the seminal paper by —
Oh look, a shiny object!


you said Seminal paper. huh-huh-huh.

Herr Doktor Bimler

The greatest threat faced by our troops in Iraq is pornography.
And some of that porn comes from a consignment sold to Iraq by an Austrian pornographer. We have the serial numbers to prove it.


You people are funny. Let me clear something up. For the most part, combat arms are young guys. Trigger pullers are 19-22. Ell Tees are just out of OCS, prob’ly 22 or 23. The sergeants, the real power in a combat outfit, will be 25-35. Much along the lines of the cap’ns and majors, just a different track. So anyway, the point being, if you’re a combat arms infantry eleven bulletstop, you don’t really need porn for much of anything. You are “locked and loaded” most of the time. Here’s a little secret. There are GIRLS in Iraq. Lot’s of fornicating hapn’n in mesopotamia, I reckon.

Oh, you’re saying, better not touch the islamic girls, who are 21st century foxes in their own right, by the way. Sorry, a 20 year old kid from kansas, six-three with a SAW and a breeching shotgun, hey, he might be polite but how hard you wanna challenge him, dad? They wanna date, they’re gonna date. It’s always been that way, and so it shall always be…



Not to mention, mikey, that as in every overseas war, a marriage license is the quickest, easiest way out of the hellhole and to America.

Mehitabel the Abyssinian

The other cats here might well be anarchists behind my back. In my presence, however, they have learned to be monarchists.


Jillian’s reference to the Grabar column on Townhall (“Letter to a Stupid Atheist”) brought to mind this wonderful comparison between Science and Faith.


If the New Happy Fuck Ministry sends them sex toys to help them out, do we get to have a piece on national television, too?


Hey, where did all the talk about wanking go to?
Hijacked by the cats again.

Here, does this help? I live in a house with an annoying bratty-little-brother-cat who essentially sees me as a wank-toy. Fortunately, my people pry his teeth out of my neck and shoo him away when they can…

I pretty much only throw up if I’ve got a hairball, any more. Or if I’ve eaten something that my people claim is ‘inedible’… But if it were inedible, I wouldn’t have been able to eat it in the first place!

Also, I am not an anarchist, as far as I know. Of course, since there are very few laws set forth by my people, it makes it difficult to break them. And besides, the oven/stove is very very hot, and I don’t want to get in it or stand on it then, anyhow.

Qetesh the Abyssinian

Ganesh, let’s talk. I’ll be on the window ledge between 7.30 and 9. But don’t bring a waka, sorry, weta. The legs get stuck in my teeth.

I am, however, partial to a very occasional huntsman spider, which I am generous enough to present to the handmaiden as she lies in her place of repose. It’s always gratifying to see a human levitate: makes it worth my while being extra careful so as not to crush a single limb on the beastie. The Monarch of the Glen has nothing on me, probably because he was not clutching a rather angry and struggling spider carefully in his jaws.

As for the suggestion that cats are Republicans, well pish and likewise tush to that. Cats have no interest in either obeying or crafting laws. They get their way through sheer force of personality (and a gentle bite of the nose when the handmaiden is a slug-a-bed). Natural authority, some have it and some don’t.

Both myself and my sister have had some important body parts removed, so wanking is not an option. We have humans to do that for us, and lordy lordy don’t they do a lot of it.


Cats have no interest in either obeying or crafting laws.

What’s not Republican about that?

My Catherine is clearly a Royalist- she has quite internalized the basic ideas of a rigid class structure, unyeilding obedience to her authority, and also has a strong sense of noblesse oblige. It is her divine duty to grace me with her attentions from time to time, while living entirely dependent on the product of my labor. Monarchism- even more conservative than Republicanism.

Her lickspittle (literally, yech…) and foolle Reno apparently agrees, at least with the class structure bit.

She is an idiot, utterly servile in her deference to Catherine’s authoritah, and lives in a state of constant panic about things that don’t exist.

So, yeah, Reno’s definitely a Republican.

And, no, I don’t know how we went from the masturbatory habits of the military to the political and gastronomic tendencies of Those Fucking Cats (as I so affectionately call them in my own home).

(Submit, comment!!11!)


i hate these people

the good news is that, with the exception of the few featured fanatics (who, as a former military man, i can gaurantee are hated by their men), they will never, ever make a dent in the perogatives of war. command and higher higher know this and know they would have a mutiny on their hands if they ever tried to enforce some absurd porno ban. we had a saying in the navy, ‘what happens at sea, stays at sea.’


Dan, that graphic is priceless!

It would make an awesome T shirt.


True most cats throw up more or less often, but watch out for lots of yakking, especially in an older cat. Can be a symptom of hyperthyroidism, which is fairly common in the older beasties. I had a fur girl who lived to be 20 with it.


I don’t think we need to worry about our soldiers not rubbing out a few.

What the hell else do you have to do in between patrols?

I’m wondering how many of those kits ended up in the latrines…

Those officers in that prayer club must be a joy to have as a commander…

I can’t stand uptight prudes…


“Kill all the brown people you want…but, for God’s sake, NO MASTURBATION!”
Sweet Lordy-gordy, how fucking deranged. (Am I the only one who thinks “Janet LaRue” sounds like a stripper name?)


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