I never mentioned my personal preference for a presidential candidate here because I didn’t want to stack the race unfairly, but also because I had a hell of time hearing everyone’s ideas. It’s not that Democrats didn’t have them. Turns out they had (and still have) a lot of good solutions for cleaning up The First Vacationer’s mess: you could look it up. It’s just that the candidates themselves were so teeming with teensy tiny flaws, each requiring explosive front page coverage (but then ending up being bogus), the news media never got around to covering their actual ideas. And who can blame them?

If it’s disgusting and exhausting to hear about every terra-lovin’ teensy flaw, imagine how disgusting and exhausting it must be to cover! Judith Dean wore sneakers to go shopping! Wesley Clark put on a turtleneck sweater — update! it’s his brother-in-law’s! update! the auditorium was cold! WHADDANASSHOLE! Kerry has a French cousin (probably not far from Tom DeLay’s family tree) and is almost as rich as just about everyone in the Bush administration! What a privileged snob! Kerry’s haircut costs twice as much as Bush’s! (Somehow, I couldn’t get someone from the snooty salon at the Watergate to come to my house for $30. Could Dub be getting a freebie cause it’s his dad’s loyal stylist and $30 bucks is the shitty tip? Nahhh.)

So after wall to wall coverage of the latest “scandal”, I was still annoyed, without quite knowing why, to learn that Kerry released his outstanding military records within 48 hours of promising to do so, a clear flip flop or elitist assholery or something — I still don’t know — but the RNC screeching was so tiresome to hear it’s clear why the media is still mad at Kerry for causing it. CNN dedicated round the clock coverage to this shortcoming, including a roundup a full week later.

[CNN] DANA BASH: And Kelli [Arena], you know, and the Bush campaign aides that I talked to say that the fact John Kerry released these records this week is just one more example of how he simply can’t stay on offense, that he’s back on defense. What did he want to talk about this week? The environment, the fact that the president has, in his view, a terrible environmental record. And instead what are we talking about? His military records. What is your sense of how they think they’re doing inside the Kerry campaign in terms of staying on the offense? (04/24/04 CNN On the Story)

That’s Dana Bash still talking about it and talking about it and asking White House aides why she’s still talking about it and they’re saying, “Because we’re making you.” (Wow, how many creeps did she blow to get inside stuff like that? And she’s so reverent, too.) If Kerry would only show the dependable heroic resolve of George Bush, who again promised to release the full records of his unexplained AWOL drunken/druggie years but hasn’t, just like he’s dependably done for eight solid years now, Dana Bash might respect Kerry’s manliness too.

But Kerry’s latest teensy bogus flaw strikes me as quite serious. Apparently some obscure foreign guy who has nothing to do with presidential politics thinks that Kerry is unfit to touch the Eucharist. His pro-choice stance is clearly more scandalous than Catholic Republicans’ pro-choice stance, as no investigations have been launched by three big media sources on whether a foreigner is nitpicking their sacramental access. I learned about Kerry’s heresy from CNN (the Communion News Network), Nedra Pickler at the AP (the Acclesiastical Press) and the NYT (New York Testament) while trying to find some news in the news.

The AP article, headlined “Kerry’s church known for liberal stance” might as well read, “Pit-bull eats Baby Jesus’s face off”. Liberal?!? Everyone knows Jesus is a fat-cat loving pewter-balled fuck-you Republican!

The congregation includes gay couples, whose adopted children are baptized there, unlike in some other Boston parishes. In November, its leaders refused to read aloud during Mass from a letter opposing gay marriage, as requested by the Massachusetts bishops. … “It’s not St. Around-the-Corner,” Deskur said. “It’s an intentional community that draws people from all over Boston. It tries to make sure that everyone feels welcome and that everyone participates in the liturgy.” …

The Paulist Center began a support group for divorced Catholics that has since been replicated in churches across the country. The center also hosts a group for bisexual, gay and lesbian Catholics, as well as a program for lapsed Catholics who are considering a return to the flock. The center helped launch the Walk for Hunger, a now annual fund-raiser for soup kitchens across the region, and has held funeral Masses for homeless people who die without family or loved ones. (04/25/04 AP/Peter, Pickler)

Unbefuckinglievable. A place of worship that offers comfort to pariahs instead of throwing rocks at them. No wonder this scandal had to be exposed! You don’t read headlines about Bush’s religious scorecard, just guarantees that he’s a religious holy guy. Actually, you don’t read any judgments about Bush’s practices from the AP, certainly not the fact that he doesn’t actually practice much of the time.

But then, as a Bush campaign spokesbot said, Kerry’s views on abortion were “outside the mainstream” and the president “supports a culture of life,” so one understands why Kerry has to be treated like a dangerous weirdo. It’s not like a million women from all over the world would gather in a show of support for reproductive rights or anything. But if Kerry’s assault on the sacrament of communion disappoints Father Ed Gillespie and his boss, the divinely appointed Judger Guy of All Faiths, it’s nothing to how bummed I feel.

I’m a single-issue voter and Eucharist-touching happens to be THE issue. As a recovering Catholic, I believe that rough, brutish handling of the body of Christ is plain wrong. It’s the Body of Christ, for chrissake! I’m leery of any presidential candidate who’d smack it around like a pulp-fiction thug because it would be like literally smacking the Baby Jesus around, calling him names and making him cry. And that’s what the RNC and the faith-based news is reporting. They must be accurate, because it’s a serious charge that people of faith don’t make lightly and news sources of integrity would never repeat if they were false.

So I’m only glad I found out in time. Who’s John Kerry to act like a drunken coke-snorting AWOL national guardsman of the filth-based seventies around the Baby Jesus anyhow? What kind of depraved elitist shithead does stuff like bully Lil’God?

[CNN’s] KELLI ARENA: Kel, really, really quick — the news from the Vatican about if you’re a pro — pro-choice candidate, maybe you can’t receive communion. We know that Kerry is a catholic. How will this play out?

KELLY WALLACE: Well, a high-ranking cardinal in the Vatican speaking out. He was asked a question, saying a Catholic politician who supports abortion rights, should he be denied — he or she be communion? And this cardinal yes, that person is not fit. But got very, sort of a little more vague when asked specifically about John Kerry.This is an issue now before U.S. bishops who are not expected to sort of issue any decision until after the presidential election. John Kerry, though, just yesterday, and before the big march tomorrow, saying he supports a woman’s right to choose. Catholics, Kelli, as you know, make up about one quarter of the U.S. population. So it will be interesting to watch how this issue plays out in the presidential campaign.

KELLI ARENA: All right. Well, we’re going to switch gears. One question that we’ve heard a lot of this week: is there an increased risk of a terrorism attack during this election campaign? I’m back ON THE STORY right after this. (04/24/04 CNN On the Story)

I had sought Kerry’s solace after the RNC exposed Howard Dean’s deeply rooted evil — he changed congregations and went to the church further down — and the creeping Rasputin-like madness that compelled the utter whackjob to raise his voice to be heard over an enthusiastic crowd.

I’m grateful for the second rescue. Clearly it’s time to support Bush, who has solved all murky flip-floppy issues of worshipping according to conscience by cutting out the middleman. He is the guy. He is the one. God said so. End of story. Shaddap.

“There is a higher father that I appeal to. – GWB (Plan of Attack)

“I get to declare war. Not you or anyone else.” – GWB (Bush at War)

Presidents don’t have to answer questions if terrorists crash their planes into the Constitution and we have total anarchy, which you can see by looking around you. I’m sold.

Kerry, meanwhile, has these crackpot elitist ideas that he’ll be representing voters, if you can believe it, so it’s “yap yap yap”, explain explain explain, policy policy policy. Then I have to weigh his answers and decide if he’s the kind of guy who can do some good — eccch, I’m thinking too much already.

With the new faith-based news services telling me straight out who the RNC says is good or evil, I can just tune out the yappeta and go back to everyday stuff like worrying about losing my job, my healthcare, my lunch and my sanity. Plus, no one calls me elitist.

Update: fixed a broken link, corrected a quote attribution