Kerry announces Clinton as running mate; Wingnut heads explode

kerry_clinton.jpgThe Kerry campaign’s announcement of funk legend George Clinton as JFK’s running mate sent wingnuts into a frenzy of confusion on the weekend, most unfamiliar with the unique experience of having rhetoric remotely based on fact. Rightwing pundits and pols who have continually insisted that Hillary Clinton intended to run as VP in ’04 or as a presidential candidate in ’08, despite her numerous weary denials, are shifting gears to use the George Clinton announcement to claim complete vindication.

“If we were 1/1000th right about this, imagine what else we might be one thousand percent right about,” said an unnamed White House head of state, pausing to glare down some spontaneous snickering from assembled media. While many conservative information sources got busy replacing the word “Hillary” with “George” in their online archives to claim retroactive vindication, others worked around the clock tweaking gender-specific pronouns in existing innuendo about Clinton’s predilection for black female sexual partners.

Radio host Rush Limbaugh scheduled an emergency broadcast to denounce Clinton’s recent drug arrest and demand immediate imprisonment, calling the lengthy period before a trial namby pamby pandering to the unwholesome liberal influence rotting away the foundation of a moral Christian society. “If this is the kind of drug-crazed lunatic the Scumocrats are going to run against our Great Leader, the American people will Just Say No!,” he thundered.

Limbaugh has claimed that his own drug arrest was persecution for having a winning personality and haunting masculine beauty, and that the many alcohol and drug-related incidents in the President’s past were not only medically necessary, but heroic as well. Once Bush’s numerous DUIs could no longer stay under wraps, his PR experts have refined the explanation that the incidents resulted from driving to a Stuckey’s out of concern that the rest of his party, passed out after massively vomiting earlier, might wake up hungry. Limbaugh compared the arrests to getting wounded in action while rescuing a Band of Brothers from enemy fire and being awarded a Purple Heart, only deservedly. “Unlike some people,” Limbaugh added with the deft subtlety that has made conservative hypocrisy so enjoyable tolerable over the years.

bootsy.jpgWhile campaign watchers speculated about how the Clinton announcement affected a potential Kerry cabinet, the RNC focused on issues most important to their constituents. French-descended Tom DeLay, head of the RNC’s substantial Frenchy Hatin’ Hair Oppo squad, was yanked off obsessing over Kerry’s haircut and roots and put to work find damaging material on Clinton’s hairstyle.

DeLay’s team came back with evidence that African hair is a different texture from Caucasian or Asian hair because of a flatter cuticle, which might make it more susceptible to dryness and breakage when exposed to chemical relaxers and hot irons or pulled into tightly woven cornrows and extensions. DeLay quickly coordinated with Karl Rove to associate any Afrocentric grooming with weakness of character and a danger to national security. Look for DeLay to work sly references about split ends and French braiding into the week’s talking points but, as usual, offer no substantial comments or recommendations on policy.

Willie Horton footage from past campaigns may be spliced into future Bush/Cheney ads. There’s no word yet on whether the recycling will affect any slogans, currently variations on the themes that Bush believes the children are the future, because evil hates freedom in the future, which the children are, in a big friendly land that’s hard to defend from the freedom of evil in, and perhaps on, the future. Also, democracy, bigtime and make no mistake. Steadily, about the evil of freedom in a time of change, no matter what.

Despite the Kerry campaign’s announcement of the purveyor of bigass funk classics like Atomic Dog and Aquabooty for veep, some in the RNC’s Psychic Friends Network continue alternately to insist that Hillary Clinton is running, and beg for her to do so. Experts fear their psychic faculties got a little fried from months of reporting moment by moment changes in Saddam Hussein’s thoughts and feelings, though strangely never able to give his physical location. The network continues to maintain close telepathic connections to Saddam’s WMDs, though unable to pinpoint those, either.


Comments: 11


I especially love the second to last paragraph. (Though methinks it may be Deeply Irresponsible and Troubling to make fun of Dear Leader. Tsk Tsk, Peanut.)


Yes and Make Reverend Run Secretary of the Interior


You did cover those Bushie talking points pretty well, you subversive person, you. Just be careful out there.


Sweet limping Christ. Peanut, you’ve done it again. [/bow]


From another universe, Via the Onion:

CHOCOLATE CITY?In an address before an emergency session of Parliament Monday, George Clinton said he is prepared to drop Da Bomb on Iraq if Saddam Hussein does not loosen up and comply with U.N. weapons inspectors by the Clinton-imposed deadline of March 1.

“For Saddam Hussein to refuse to let U.N. officials inspect Iraqi weapons facilities as per the terms of Iraq’s 1991 Gulf War surrender is decidedly unfunky of him,” Clinton said. “While the decision to drop Da Bomb is never an easy one, unless Saddam gets down with this whole U.N.-inspection thang and seriously refunkatizes his stance by March 1, we will have no choice but to tear the roof off Baghdad.”

Preparations for the military strike, dubbed Operation Supergroovalisticprosifunkstication Storm, are already underway. The Mothership is ready and on standby at Starchild Air Force Base in Detroit, where more than 5,000 bop gunners are making final preparations for deployment to the Persian Gulf. Clinton has also ordered an additional 2,500 Aquaboogie Amphibious Assault units to the Gulf, bringing the total P-Funk Nation military presence in the region to 23,000.

According to General William “Bootsy” Collins, the primary goal of the ground assault is to breach Hussein’s presidential palace, capture the Iraqi leader, and “put some serious funk in his trunk.”

Collins acknowledged that the mission would not be easy.

“Saddam’s palace is heavily fortified. In the front, it’s protected by several dozen towers manned with armed guards, and in the back, there’s a 50-foot high hump?so high you can’t get over it and so wide you can’t get around it,” Collins said. “Having our men attempt to attack from the front would be suicide: If we are to have any chance of entering the palace and funkatizing Saddam, we’ve got to get over the hump. After all, if you want to capture a boogie, you’ve got to attack from the back.”

Despite the difficulty of the task ahead, troop morale is high. “As a soldier in the army of Uncle Jam, I have pledged my full groovallegiance to Commander-In-Chief Clinton,” said Lieutenant Bernie Worrell of the army’s elite 72nd Promentalshitbackwashpsychosis Enema Squadron. “I am fully prepared to give up my life for the funk. To the rear… march.”

“Executing political adversaries, shunning foreigners, condemning America as ‘The Great Satan’?that Saddam is one uptight cat,” Mothership captain Eddie Hazel said. “For too long, he has ruled Iraq with neither a glide in his stride nor a dip in his hip. At this point, our only remaining option is to drop a serious funk bomb on him.”

Clinton’s ultimatum before Parliament was met with high praise from numerous top-ranking Chocolate City officials, including Secretary of Education Richard Pryor, Secretary of Fine Arts Stevie Wonder and First Lady Aretha Franklin.

“Saddam has two choices,” Pryor said. “Get down or step down.”

While polls indicate that Operation Supergroovalisticprosifunkstication Storm enjoys strong support among Chocolate City residents, many residents of the city’s less funky vanilla suburbs question its purpose.

“Why are we dropping Da Bomb on Iraq if it’s only Saddam we’re after?” Peter Strosser, 37, said. “If Da Bomb is dropped on Baghdad, the bootys of countless innocent Iraqi civilians will be tragically loosened. Is that what we want, to turn millions of decent, reserved Iraqis into free-spirited, dance-crazed party people? I think not.”

“The effects of dropping this 50,000-megafunk bomb on a heavily populated city like Baghdad will be devastating,” said Linda Sue Strelczyk, president of Suburbanites Against Da Bomb. “At ground zero, the explosion will give off a horrific, blinding flash-light, causing untold millions who look directly into it to get totally freaky.”

Responding to the anti-Bomb protests among the unfunky, Clinton made an impassioned plea for unity.

“In times of crisis such as this, we must stand united, not divided,” Clinton said. “We must join together as one nation under a groove, getting down just for the funk of it.”


More Onion channelling:

CHOCOLATE CITY?After months of ceaseless debate, including last week’s record 76-hour filibuster slap-bass solo from Senate Rubber Band Minority Leader Bootsy Collins (D-OH), the National Funk Congress is no closer to resolving its deadlock over the controversial “get up/get down” issue, insiders reported Monday.

“Get up-uh, get on up! Get up-uh, get on up!” shouted Getuplican Party supporters on the steps of the Capitol as the debate, as well as a massive 14-piece instrumental jam, raged within. The pro-up-getting demonstrators’ chants were nearly drowned out by those of a nearby group of jungle-boogie Downocrats, who called upon all citizens to “Get down, get down!”

The bitter “get up/get down” battle, which has polarized the nation’s funk community, is part of a long-running battle between the two factions, rooted in more than 35 years of conflict over the direction in which the American people should shake it.

“The time has come to face facts: To move forward, we’ve got to get on up, and stay on the scene, like a sex machine,” said Brick House Majority Leader James Brown (G-GA), one of getting on up’s most vocal supporters. “Say it loud: Only when we have gotten up offa that thing will we, as a nation, finally get back on the good foot.”

Upon learning of Brown’s remarks, Downocratic leaders openly questioned his commitment to getting up. Said Robert “Kool” Bell, a top-ranking Brick House Downocrat: “It is a well-known fact that Brown has, on many past occasions, urged his supporters to get down with they bad selves. In response to his inconsistent voting record and history of waffling on this crucial issue, we will not rest until every American, as is their birthright, has gotten down.”

“You got to get down,” Bell added. “Hyuh!”

The disagreement, which has paralyzed all efforts of the National Funk Congress to get it together and get funky for one and all, has reached crisis proportions, experts say.

“Until our country’s funky leaders can resolve this deadlock, U.S. funk leadership, and the booties of all Americans, will remain immobilized,” said Gregory Tate, domestic motorbooty-affairs reporter for The Washington Funkenquarterly. “Unless a compromise can be reached soon, the entire nation’s thang could be in serious jeopardy.”

“Our leaders’ refusal to budge, let alone move it from front to back, has crippled the move-your-body politic,” said current U.S. Mothership Ambassador George Clinton, one of the most outspoken critics of the deadlock. “These legislators must keep it real and understand that no matter what party policy may dictate, they cannot fake the funk. What the partisan people in the House need to realize is this: If they ain’t gon’ get along, the time has come for them to take they dead ass home.”

But despite such pleas for bipartisan compromise, the two parties remain at odds. This week, a Getuplican high-treble scratch-guitar initiative called for all Downocrats to “give it up and turn it loose,” sparking an angry war of words on the Senate dance floor. In response, the Downocratic members of the Grooves & Booties Subcommittee drafted a bass-heavy resolution demanding that the initiative be voted “down, down, all the way down.”

The Getuplican-Downocratic rift has been further complicated by confusing rhetoric from both sides. A call from Parliamentary leaders to “get up for the down stroke” was interpreted by members of both parties as a statement of support. Equally unclear was a statement made earlier this week by Funky Chinatown Big Boss-Elect Carl Douglas, who baffled observers with the assertion that Funky Chinamen were “chopping men up and chopping men down.”

For all the confusion and divisiveness, there are signs of hope. A bipartisan coalition of funky drummers is gaining strength, urging Downocrats and Getuplicans to find common ground by “getting together, on the one.” Also on the rise is a small grass-roots campaign calling upon party people not to get up or down, but simply to get it on.

Whether any of these fledgling reform movements will have a genuine impact on the entrenched groove machine is uncertain. One thing, however, is not: A growing number of citizens are fed up with the nation’s current leadership for putting party politics before the need of the people to turn this mother out.

“Big government has lost sight of the fact that we should not be divided along Getuplican and Downocratic lines, but should be one nation under a groove, getting down?or up?just for the funk of it,” said Clinton at a recent Mothership rally calling for an end to the deadlock. “The point is not that we must get up or down, but rather that, working together, we’ve got to get over.”


CHOCOLATE CITY?In an address before an emergency session of Parliament

LOL! I missed that one, thanks for posting it (and casey for channeling).


In that first picture, it seems like John Kerry is reaching out to Bush supporters by imitating Bush. Unfortunately, he alienated me. Why? Because anyone who is photographed rubbing a black man’s head won’t get my vote.


Nope, PLEASE don’t blame Kerry for my imperfect photo-skills. I pasted Clinton into the shot and don’t know if they ever shared the same stage. I’d hate to see Kerry blamed twice for a bad photo cut’n’paste job, although mine was done in fun rather than to pass off as authentic. Hmmm, maybe I’m better than I thought. 😉

The Rethugs phonied up a picture showing Kerry onstage with Jane Fonda and tried to pass it off as legit. Some newspapers ran it.

Also, I do know the pic you’re talking about at Counterbias, and the many pics of Bush rubbing black kids’ heads as if they were “pickaninnies”. Disgusting. If Kerry did stuff like that, I’d be put off too, but please don’t blame a man for something he didn’t do.


People would have to be braindead neanderthals to think that picture was real; thus, you should post it at freerepublic and mail it to Tammy Bruce and see what happens. I thought it was hilarious, but then I saw the hand on Clinton’s head and thought “hey, kinda like Bush.” There’s really only one way I won’t vote for Kerry this November: This photograph gets around and dooms his campaign, leaving the only other Dem still in the race to go against Bush. Then it’s Dennis all the way, as far as I’m concerned.


My stuff’s not exactly *cough* nuanced, but after seeing obvious fakes make it into the mainstream, I’d rather be safe and explain. (And don’t get me going on stuff like UN presentations.)

Please enjoy a dessert on the house and if you do want to circulate the pic through freeptown, you have my blessiing.


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